The Shadowsword Saga - Vol. 1: Children of the Dragon (WIP)

Dear Raven,
I could not, under any circumstance prevent myself from leaving a comment about your book "The Shadowsword Saga". I first read this amazing novel when it was on WeBook. I remember thinking at the time, this writer has an gift of portraying epic fantasy, in epic proportions. The characters are all intertwined, yet with an identity unmistakably of their own. There is mystery, action, and romance all rolled up in one phenomenal rollercoaster ride that leaves the reader wanting for breath.
I am a totally different writer to you Raven, I can only write what is in my heart, and express it through the pictures of my dreams, you on the other hand can write with such infinite imagination, from your heart, to the magic in your mind, to the hundreds of fans you have mesmerized from your creative ability. I simply cannot understand where these innovative ideas come from, or how you manage to conjure them, but what I do know, is that your writing has the potential to attract every person, no matter what their age, or genre. This is the genius of your style
I simply cannot understand why this book has yet to be published, no doubt, it will be soon enough. I have backed this book with pleasure, and with all my heart
Yours truly. Helen

***NOTE*** Please see my profile before you read, back or comment on this book. I do not wish for anyone who is kind enough to take interest in it to feel ripped off when thier read is not returned. If you still wish to read after seeing my profile, my thanks. It means much.

Raven

The Shadowsword Saga

Dear Raven,

This is going to be epic, I can already tell. I'd back your book based on your lexicon alone! But your opening chapter is so easy to read, that I feel lulled into a very utterly complete world (little do I know!)

With Best Wishes,

~Phil
"Emerluvly"

Wow, is that it? That was awesome, but why didn't you continue? I don't understand it. It would make an interesting book though if everything was completed. Now that Helena knows who she is, I wonder if she will go about to do the impossible. I wonder if this is completed, I feel that it has so much potiental. You could finish it as how Helena goes about the land or how she develops her powers. I love Mish, she is very spunky and has that "I will take you down" attitude about her. I also loved learning about Helena's mother although that was sad. I wanted to grab the Dragonlords and beat them. Minor errors, but overall it was very well thought out. You are on my shelf and I back this up wholeheartedly.
Yours truly, Millicent

Ps. Because of the magnitude of this magnificent novel, it shall remain on my bookshelf, and its rightfull place, permanently.
Liz

Dear Raven,

Please forgive me for taking so long to read and comment on your novel, The Shadowsword Saga. Pressing commitments have kept me away, however today I decided to honor my promise, and all I can say, is "I'm gob smacked", in a REALLY OUTSTANDING WAY of course.

I must say Raven, I've never been one to read fantasy, these types of novels are not my thing, I've always preferred literay fiction, romance, suspense novels, each to their own I guess, but you my dear have amazed me in ways which by even surprise myself.

First please let me commend you on this phenomenal piece. You first introduce us to Maris, who by all means is a strong main character, and, please forgive me if I forget names, but a rather large character who is standing beside him at the gates. Your dialogue is concise, clear, and most pristine, something you should be very proud of, a writer with a capital W. No ordinary writing is this.

Your characters are so vibrant. One paragraph that stood out to me above the rest, and I don't know why, because I'm not a sooky type, and I quote "Holding back tears in a tangle of dark thoughts", exceptional visualisation. Raven I can see that this novel has potential for enormous success. What IN GOD'S NAME IS IT STILL DOING ON THIS SITE.

For God's sake AGENTS, PUBLISHERS, PRODUCERS TAKE HEED....... This is a piece that will publish and serve you well. If it managed to catch the attention of little old humble me, who rarely gives fantasy of this proportion a glance, why has it not been published?

What on earth is the matter with our publishing industry when this type of genius writer is waiting for that break.

Raven, though I'm not professionally endowed to give you an edited opinion of what's right or wrong, I can only in my humble opinion and as an avid reader, simply say one thing.

THANK GOD FOR WRITERS LIKE YOU. KEEP IT COMING RAVEN AND DON'T DESPAIR. THIS IS FANTASTIC WRITING IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. STORY LINE, CHARACTERISATION, AND I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE WITH HELEN. EPIC PROPORTION

Most sincerely I am yours,
Liz

Dear Raven,
I could not, under any circumstance prevent myself from leaving a comment about your book "The Shadowsword Saga". I first read this amazing novel when it was on WeBook. I remember thinking at the time, this writer has an gift of portraying epic fantasy, in epic proportions. The characters are all intertwined, yet with an identity unmistakably of their own. There is mystery, action, and romance all rolled up in one phenomenal rollercoaster ride that leaves the reader wanting for breath.
I am a totally different writer to you Raven, I can only write what is in my heart, and express it through the pictures of my dreams, you on the other hand can write with such infinite imagination, from your heart, to the magic in your mind, to the hundreds of fans you have mesmerized from your creative ability. I simply cannot understand where these innovative ideas come from, or how you manage to conjure them, but what I do know, is that your writing has the potential to attract every person, no matter what their age, or genre. This is the genius of your style
I simply cannot understand why this book has yet to be published, no doubt, it will be soon enough. I have backed this book with pleasure, and with all my heart
Yours truly. Helen

Helen, you are a wonder to behold. Your comment has left me breathless, pierced my heart with its beauty, and brought tears to my eyes. You humble me with your words. From the bottom of my heart, and depths of my soul, I thank you.

-Raven
The Shadowsword Saga

Dear Raven,
I could not, under any circumstance prevent myself from leaving a comment about your book "The Shadowsword Saga". I first read this amazing novel when it was on WeBook. I remember thinking at the time, this writer has an gift of portraying epic fantasy, in epic proportions. The characters are all intertwined, yet with an identity unmistakably of their own. There is mystery, action, and romance all rolled up in one phenomenal rollercoaster ride that leaves the reader wanting for breath.
I am a totally different writer to you Raven, I can only write what is in my heart, and express it through the pictures of my dreams, you on the other hand can write with such infinite imagination, from your heart, to the magic in your mind, to the hundreds of fans you have mesmerized from your creative ability. I simply cannot understand where these innovative ideas come from, or how you manage to conjure them, but what I do know, is that your writing has the potential to attract every person, no matter what their age, or genre. This is the genius of your style
I simply cannot understand why this book has yet to be published, no doubt, it will be soon enough. I have backed this book with pleasure, and with all my heart
Yours truly. Helen

Amazing, backed with pleasure. Loved it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Nice handling of epic fantasy. Your names are unusual but not too difficult for the reader. Happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Chapter 2 was good. I enjoyed reading about the town, and I thought the references of Mansion and Cheapside were very cute.

Found just a couple typos. In one spot, you said that Michella's bother was always happy to see Helena. I think you may have meant brother. One more underlined word, dragonsign, that you mentioned should be in italics

I enjoyed Kyas. I think that he seems like a reasonable, kindly sort who might actually be on Helena's side one day. Is thaty more foreshadowing? You are quite good at that, and your descriptions really are spot-on. I think that this is progressing nicely, and I will be back to read more.

Jessica L. Degarmo

THE SHADOWSWORD SAGA (Part 2 of comments!)
Chapter ! to Chapter 7;
Just a few nitpics re typos etc...all minor and easy to remedy. I realise your work is being looked at by editor, but I''ll note down a few things.
When the unnamed "colossus" is persuading poor Maris to steal the seal, he says something I don't understand.
"What I am aside, my young fellow, in the time we have been together, have I given any reason to mistrust me?" I think I know what he is saying,due to the context, but his words don't seem to make sense...is it me being dense?
Still in Chapter 3 (your chapter 1)
"Well, wait...my Lord..." Maris suggested, " With all due respect, you..." You have a comma after "suggested," so his speech continues in same sentence. Therefore, no need for upper case "W" in "with".
There is a typo here, I think. "...when the man without a name raised his hand, his BANGS fell aside to reveal..." (but maybe BANGS an American word?)
I think the next bit could be rearranged to correct punctuation and read a bit more smoothly: "A light to guide your path, " he handed it over. Would it be improved if write either "A light to guide your path. " He handed it over. Or "He handed it over. "A light to guide your path." ???
In Chapter4
"You know, " Helena remarked, " Your father isn't going..." same as mentioned previously, if Helena's speech carries on and is part of same sentence before the tag, then don't need higher case letter "Y" in "your."
In Chapter 5, in the marvellous description of the dragonlord (I could see him almost on fire!) you miss a word out (probably "a" ?) "...there glittered golden dragon."
you could add a comma before child in this piece of dialogue "Doesn't you're father teach you manners (,) child?" Also change "you're" to "your".
In tavern with the brother, typo ( unwanted words, perhaps left over from previous draft?) " Your father would switch you both you and Michella if he knew either of you were even talking to me,"...
When the girls stand outside the dress shop : " Though Michella was dressed and made up proper...." I think this should be "properly".
THe shokeeper says something that seems oddly phrased (though I know what he means)
"No matter your name makes to me, " he assured... ?? ( is it meant to read: "no matter what your name means to me" ?.
These minor blips didn't ruin my enjoyment of your story. You've left me wondering about the relationship between the Helena and Kyas, about the danger to Helena in respect of the witch accusations and danger to the humans as a whole following the theft of the seal. I think this really could be an epic.
BACKED with pleasure,
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca
.

THE SHADOWSWORD SAGA: CHILDREN OF THE DRAGON

(I'll use the Autonomy chapter numbers when I refer to parts of the book. I read from Chapter 1 to Chapter 6)
The short piece at the very beginning is a brilliant start. "She is the Shadowsword! " It sounds clear and noble...but who is she and what is the Shadowsword? If a bookshop browser was casually glancing through a shelf of books and he came across that, how could he resist it? (and hopefully same goes for agents and publishers too!) At the very least he'll want to check a bit further.
In Chapter 3, you relate how young Maris was tricked into stealing the seal of Ninthar. I couldn't tell if the "Colossus" was tricking Maris or if he was genuine. It was tense and well paced, but you also managed to introduce a lot of information about the significance of the seal, Ninthar himself and the danger to the human lands of Alkaron. You also show the magical sword, the Shadowsword. Cleverly done and to me it was proof I was reading the work of a skilled writer. Acompolished end to the chapter; you leave us wondering what the dragonlord will do, now he has the seal. Where is he sailing to and what is the significance of the Shadow sword?
THen we meet Helena and Michella...what a contrast to the previous chapter. The chatter between them is convincing and manages to inform us about their very different situations and also their different personalities. Michells is smaller in stature but she's learnt some rough words from her brother! She's been spoilt by her ambassdor father and is not as worldly as Helena. She tough and seems to have no sense of danger, not knowing when it's best to keep quiet.
In contrast, Helena is aware of the danger she is in and appears to be better at ignoring the insults. I just know Michella is going to get Helena into trouble (Even though she is clearly a loyal friend.)
A neighbouring farmer rides past the girls and shouts to Helena that she is a witch.. You've set the scene well. The reader already knows that Helena will be burnt alive if suspected as a witch. The neighbour is also an enemy of her father and likes to use his whip. True to her tempestous nature, Michelle shouts back. She can't back down and storms over to the man.
My heart goes out to Helena at this point. Michella is both very brave and foolish. She stands in front of Helena to protect her and the farmer gets ready with his whip.
Suddenly we see Helena's magic. She calms both and in a very soothing voice, persuades the man to ride away without harming them. She is as surprised at her achievement as Michella is. I liked the simile you used here..."like water from a leaky bucker"...very expressive and also appropriate to the world you've created. A nice touch.
There's that sense of foreboding again at the end of the chapter. The girls are going into town on their own and there's bound to be trouble! THere's a reason to read on.
You've achieved a lot in these introductory chapters (though it's smoothly done and I wouldn't have noticed all your hard work if I hadn't been concentrating on noticing it).We know of the seal and the danger it brings to the mortal world. We've met Helena and realise she's an outsider and likely to be accused of being a witch if she annoys anyone. She's a brave and intelligent girl, who's been threatened and insulted. She had me on her side immediately; but because I cared about Helena, I felt exasperated with Michella. I'm thinking that if I can feel exasperated with a character, you must have convinced me she was real.
Chapter 5
You create a realistic scene of the bustle of the town , getting ready for the festival and games.But I was just waiting for something to go wrong. Then, in front of Gunram's tavern, are four dragonlords The whole town seems to be scared of them..A strange thing happens. One of the dragonlords looks hard at Helena and seems to read her mind. You describe her fear and confusion. Why is he interested in her? Does he realise she might be a witch? When the same dragonlord is distracted by the little boy's toy arrow, both girls think he is mocking the little boy, as he talks to him, though his expression is difficult to interpret. Helena begins to think perhaps he's not as bad as the other dragonlords. She's attracted to the handsome half man, half dragon, even though she fears all the dragonlords and knows they could order her death.
You show us Michella's brother and how he is friendly with Helena, showing none of the contempt the other townspeople display. THe next scene is amusing: the clash with the well-dressed girls outside the dress shop.. It is a nice contrast to the tension of the previous chapter, though it could have escalated into trouble for Helena if the shopkeeper hadn't intervened. You show Michelle to be plucky and not afraid to stand up for herself when the girls stand in her way. At the back of my mind, I kept thinking, this is not going to end well. Helena surprises herself when she thinks of one of the girl's tied up hair falling down...and it does! THis is good, but also bad. Who has seen this? Fortunately, the shop keeper ushers the two friends inside, not before letting the other girls know who Michella is!
THere is more danger for Helena in Chapter 6, because Michelle is up to mischief, getting revenge against a boy who often bullies her. But when a crowd of townspeople gather and srart to accuse Helena of using sorcery , the two girls run. THey run straight into The dragonlord.
What happens next is baffling and neither Helena or the readerr can be really sure why the dragonlord helps Helena escape from the anger of the crowd. He should have arrested her , but he tells Michella's father (the ambassodor) to take her home. Again, Helena can't read the expression on his face and wonders what his motives are.
Good pace, Raven and a believable world with interesting characters. You've also set up some mysteries and there's a lot to find out..
I'm going to leave it here. It's after midnight and I can't concentrate anymore. I'll send the second part (the one with the minor nitpics in!!!) in the morning. All easily remedied, mainly typos.
Cherry

Oh, that was a nice ending on chapter 6. (I am just referring to the chapters as they are written on authonomy from now on.) Ugh! Yes, they are the best of friends but doesn't Michella KNOW how dangerous it is to mess with someone when Helena is around?I feel like strangling her! Of course, Michella is a different girl in and of herself. oh, and I LOVED that part with all those other debutants, finally getting theirs in the end. "She's who?!" Ha! A Dragonlord has spotted them though, and no doubt he'll assume it's Helena. Oh! Must read more tonight when I have time.

Constructive comments below.

"Despite the apparent safety the area offered, she had never been one for aristocracy, and the elegance made her feel out of place, the pious attitudes of the people made her feel uncomfortable."-I would consider losing 'and the elegance made her feel out of place'. We already know from the word aristocracy, it'll be rich, expensive, elegant. What seems more important is the second part, the attitudes where the focus should lie for the reader. You also describe it in detail in the next paragraph.

Nervousness nibbled at Helena for the venom that oozed from those words.-This? Fantastic.

"Ignore them," Michella scolded when Helena lowered her eyes in shame.-Scolded? I don't think scolded fits. Scolded is when someone is doing something wrong, I can't see Michella scolding Helena for lowering her eyes.

"You should have at least dressed up," Helena hissed, looking at the girl as they stood proud..."-Michella! Sorry, but I was trying to figure out why the more timid Helena would have the gall to hiss at other girls. After several read throughs, I finally figured out she is hissing at Michella. You NEED to add Michella.

"Now who is the unseemly one, debutant?"-Now is underlined.

"...striding toward them both, looking ready rip their hair out."-to rip

"And she isn't my maid,"-maid is underlined.


That's good for now and I'll be back later.:)

Chapter Five: Or Chapter 2 by your wording. This was an excellent chapter really. I am so curious about the dragonlord who never did anything. They suspect him, but he seems to be a bit kinder. Are you setting that up for a reason? The start of the chapter certainly had a lot of information, but it painted a picture of the world very well. I wonder what the next chapter shall bring? Okay, constructive comments time.

"...their arms full of fresh-baked goods for selling at festival the following day."-Should this be 'a festival' or 'the festival' or maybe even 'festivals'?

"Celebratory sports and games filled the day, with dancing, drinking and merriment in the streets at night."-I'm not sure, no grammar expert, but could you get rid of the comma between day and with?

"Above the door, there hung a swinging sign that read, The Maiden's Glass.: Why is there a comma between The Maiden's Glass?

Authumfest? Is this a fest for autumn? Oh I see, the first time it is used it's spelled wrong, you spell it correctly afterward. Were you thinking Authonomy when you were typing autumn?

Precociousness-NICE WORD

The Maiden's Glass in only in italics once, is that customary?

He must be setting the boy up for a laugh._-What's the line after laugh for?

Light a fire under my ass-I've always picked up from their way of talking, this would be a bit rough yet I've heard it three times. It's the only thing that seems to be off balance considering the world they are living in. Have you though about arse instead?

dragonsign is always in italics which is fine but then it is underlined. I would stick with one or the other.

"Doesn't you're father teach you manners, child?"-I do this all the time too!. It's your.

Great job, look forward to the next chapter.

Chapter 4 (Well, chapter 4 listed here anyway) was great! I don't think it was slow at all. I think that it was important to the story. With this chapter, we learn that Nintharians are not looked upon well at all, and that there are severe punishments if one is accused of using that Nintharian magic. We also get some foreshadowing. We know that something is going to happen that proves that Helena is not who she thinks she is, or at least not who she wants to be.
I like how you the girls seem like normal, modern girls from our time, chattering on about causing mischief and talking junk to other people. This makes the characters grounded and more easily related to. They seem like girls you would find anywhere today. I also think that this provides the right mix between fantasy and real-life that it makes your work more believable.
With that said, I saw only a few little issues that I think you may want to look at again:

When you compared Michella and Helena, you mention, "Helena, walking beside..." in order to point out the differences between the two girls. It just strikes me as a little awkward. Maybe you could lose the "walking beside" bit and just say, "Helena's frame, as tall as most men, only drew attention to Michella's..." I think it may flow better.
Also, the underlines that you use to accent a few words don't really work for me. Ususally when we want to call attention to certain words, we italicize them. I think I'd do that instead of using the underlines.
There were just a few places where I think that a comma should have been used but wasn't, such as "appearance, already created by..." and "regarded her bruises, wishing she had worn.." or you could do, "regarded her bruises and wished she had worn..." Actually, the second one is better because the parallel structure is stronger that way.
Other than those few little things, I think this was a strong chapter. I look forward to reading further.

Jessica L. Degarmo

Great prologue! The writing is vivid and descriptive. I felt for Maris; it's no fun to be someone's puppet, discarded when he is no longer useful. The man with no name was spooky, and I wondered why he wanted the seal. I had a feeling that he was up to no good.

I only saw a few things that I though I would mention to you. The writing is quite polished here, and I saw no real comma or other puncutation errors.

When Maris locates the disk in the arms of Ninthar, you say, "the disk was cradled beneath the arms of the skeleton" If the disk wasn't cradled in his arms, what was it cradled in? I am not sure that beneath is the best word there.

when maris and the colossus are outside the cave and Maris looks around the wood to the shadows there, the next sentence says, "Most alarmingly, the man without a name..." I was confused here. I almost thought that it was someone from the wood, not the colossus. Maybe you can reword that a little so that we know who you mean. It just seemed like you were talking about someone else.

I think you have something fantastic here. Fantasy is not really my genre. It seems to me that fantasy works have lot of plot changes and too many characters, but I think this is a book I can actually read. You introduce your ideas and your characters carefully, lovingly, and with a lot of consideration of your readers. You guide us along masterfully and gently, realizing we need to be guided through the world you've constructed. I'm grateful for that. I can tell you that my husband would love this, being a fan of Steven Erickson's Malazan Book of the Fallen series.

I will read more very soon. I have to...I need to know what happens next! Maybe we'll be introduced to our heroine soon!

Jessica L. Degarmo

The first chapter is amazing! It's gorgeous! I think that your parallel sentence structure here is strong, and I think it's a great start. It almost has the feel of a narration at the beginning of the movie. Maybe Morgan Freeman? I like it.
I also think that the premise is neat: bringing peace through destruction, harmony through discord. It's unique and poetic at the same time. Good stuff.

Glady on to chapter 2!

Jessica L. Degarmo

That was an excellent chapter, Raven! It wasn't as slow as you led me to believe, the girls were being threatened with whips, there was a ton of tension. Interesting story so far! Helena sounds like she has Nintharian in her and she's scared. Sounds like she should be, especially after what she's seen and done. I hope she ends up being okay and her friend, but only time will tell. They both have playful tomboy attitudes, I love that. Remind me of girls that know how to act good, but don't want to be good at heart. Great work and I'll be back for more when I have time.

Wow, that is one heck of a prologue. Why isn't it chapter one? Guess I'll have to keep reading. Poor Maris, I had a feeling something was going to happen. From the foreshadowing I could have sworn the Seal of Ninthar would have been broken, instead poor Maris. Poor, poor Maris. The description actually plays like a movie in my head, everything felt so real. Well done for a prologue!

I can just hear theme music during this, you know all slow then it gets dark with hard notes on 'She is an equalizer. She is a weapon. She is the Shadowsword.' Then cue a lot of fighting.

I watched too much Highlander the Series back in the day. "Here we are, born to be-" This was a stupid review so far. Sorry, not much to review for chapter 1.

Damn, now I've got "Princes of the Universe" stuck in my head. On to chapter two.

Chapter Two was dazzling, all the action scenes, romance and drama came to life in Important-Please read this B4 U Continue. Just kidding! Okay, now on to chapter three, hopefully I am getting to some meat.

I did read your profile and I still wanted to write a short comment and back. This is just fantastic. Absolutely wonderful. It is imaginative and bursts with flair and life. You really give a true feel for the environment you have created and your characters are great. Good luck. Carl. The Time Hunters

Since you seem to enjoy reading my various (mostly faulty) hypotheses pertaining to your book, here are a few more:

???
-Helena's mother is a descendant of Ninthar and somehow part Children of the Dragon...
-Lancemar actually IS Helena's father
-Kyas and Lancemar have some sort of relationship Helena is unaware of; each respects the other
-Helena will learn to respect or even care more deeply for Kyas, if not necessarily for the others of his race
-She will meet Kyas' sister
-Umm... is she related to them?? As in, distant or maybe even not-so-distant blood relatives? Yes... I'm just making wild guesses now.
-Ah... I dunno... I guess I'll just have to read on when I can! gah... you tricky...>.>
???

:P

I hope you're happy reading this. I like making you happy. :)

~A.

P.S. One day I will tell you my real name. I'm pretty sure of it. Unless you don't want to know...? :)

Raven, your prologue reads smoothly. Good work.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Maybe my opinion isn't valid, since I've been away from the work for so long, but I'd say the 10th part is the best yet. I like Lancemar more than ever, (and is he not Helena's father, then? If not, it is even more amazing that he can be so kind even for her mother's sake).

You might want to consider clarifying "He had not meant for her to know" so that it doesn't seem like a lapse in the perspective; I know what you mean, but others might view it as a shift from Helena's to Lancemar's view in one scene. Otherwise, well... I'd say it near perfect! I love the way we can see into their feelings, and really empathize.

I noticed that you've gotten more comments from other readers; I'm glad =D
Keep it up! I will read all of this book, though it may take months. I don't think I've made such an assurance to anyone else. Well, g2g!

This is the greatest fantasy book series since The Lord of the Rings. The Shadowsword Saga is, in fact, the NEW Lord of the Rings. All others, including my mere series, pale in comparison. Raven Clark: you are the Tolkien legacy's successor.

Sincerely Yours,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

Wonderful prose, superb plot, evocative, thought provoking... what more can one say?

A first class fantasy novel. A signed copy when you are published please, Raven? Haha!

Alison Butler (The Hanging of Margaret Dickson)

Dear Raven,
I've read it all (except the glossary). I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not going to rip it apart. I think you've done it just right. Aside from a few typos (latter for ladder?) and other minor lapses, your writing is as flawless as one could hope for. You've set the stage twice, once with the Maris incident and again with the sequence bringing Helena to the brink of her destiny. Now, please tell us the rest of the story!
By the way, with the glossary and all you appear to have created quite an elaborate backdrop. Is this entirely of your own devising just for this story, or is it derivative somehow from earlier work (your own or others)? Just wondering. For me it is quite reminiscent of the setting of Stephen Brust's Vlad Taltos stories, which I think I already told you I admired.
Jim

Dear Raven,

Even without the promise of a returned read, I was compelled and intrigued by the beginning of this story. You have a real talent for setting the scene. The complexity is stunning, and the swift-paced action has me eager for more.

Thank you fo such a wonderful piece!

Abi xxx

WOOOOOOt!!!! Just finished chapter 7 and btw it was amazing. Raven your book is so complex and great. It amazes me tho, you never leave out a single thing that you shouldn't. Great job and hope to read more soon!!!!

This is a powerful writing. I will read the rest later. Your book will be good for a movie. Backed with pleasure.

Here I am for the read swap!
This is really good writing. You set a medieval tone at the start and never deviate. I know that you want a critique, so here's the two little problems I could find, and only one of them deals with anything other than being cool.

The first one is the important one: A body that's been dead and hung for eleven hundred years would have fallen by then. I suspect that the curses would have kept wild animals from getting at it, but after so long bacteria would have even eaten away all the tendons and ligaments, which would lead to it falling. Perhaps add that a spell was placed on it to keep it from falling, so it would be an eternal symbol of punishment?

The second deals with the thief's companion, specifically his sword. Some of it's just cinematic stuff, some of it's thought processes. I just wondered why he would care if a conjured sword had blood on it. I also wondered why he would bother to sheath a conjured sword. I think it would be cooler if it disappeared in a cloud of light, or something like that. There's your critique. Hope it's satisfactory! Definitely backed.

I look forward to hearing from you about my book!

Thanks,
M.C. Holman
Dragon-Children: The Secrets of Tarenhavdel

Once again, I've read on (completed part 9) rather than do my homework...

I really like the interaction between Helena and her father. The way that the father is always named (Lancemar) seems to suggest that they have a more balanced kind of relationship; although he is the parent, he clearly doesn't lord it over Helena. I also like the way everything falls into place neatly - it makes sense that Kyas isn't as bad as Helena feels, and that what happened to her mother isn't as Hanlar insinuates.

I found no typos this time, so... back to work, I guess! I look forward to the rest, as always~

Good work, and keep it up!

I just read part 8, while neglecting my duties outside of Authonomy (but I decided I'd already let you wait far too long, and I did not want you to think that I'd forgotten my promises).

I have a few things to say:
Brilliant, as usual - Hanlar's sudden character shift was quite surprising (or would have been if you hadn't warned me) but mostly makes sense. You might want to elaborate a bit more on his and Lancemar Morebaron's relationship to make it even clearer. Lancemar is more than likable, and the whole situation is set up and played out nicely. I find myself really getting into Helena's character and situation. I also appreciate that the perspective is pretty consistent, unlike that in some others' stories ;-)

In one of the first few paragraphs, you used "sadness" twice in the same paragraph. There's nothing inherently wrong with it, but if it wasn't for a specific effect, you might want to consider changing it. Maybe a little more showing there? You generally do a good job, particularly as the chapter progresses.

I liked the sentence, "...Kyas Danshar was no more a gentleman than Helena was a witch". I'm guessing it acts as a sort of double entendre, to foreshadow certain future events? Tell me if I'm way off track here; I get the feeling that sometimes I'm stabbing in the dark - which, of course, is part of the effect you intended (you promised me it wouldn't be too predictable, after all!) Forgive me for doubting you before, when I'd first encountered your work.

On another part, you wrote, "Lancemar spoke soft". If it was intentional, ignore me. Otherwise, perhaps "softly" would be better - but also be careful with that, since Hanlar "spoke softly" earlier as well. (I didn't notice that part, actually, until I used Ctrl+F to find the passage I was referring to to make sure I quoted it correctly, but I just thought I'd add that just in case you wanted to avoid repetition when possible.)

Overall... it really makes me want to continue on to part 9, but I've really spent far too much time away from my proper work, and I have to go do that now! I hope my comments help a bit.

There is excellent dialogue and I am curious for more but it is soooo different. I read 1/3 so far and I will read a little more tomorrow on we....

More please!! There are some powerful moments in this chapter and you write them so well. The relationship between Helena and her father is beautifully crafted. I noticed one spelling mistake. (or least I hope I did or I will look silly :P). Helena should "retch" not "wretch".

Deb {Blood Moon}

More please!! There are some powerful moments in this chapter and you write them so well. The relationship between Helena and her father is beautifully developed. I noticed one spelling mistake. People "retch" not "wretch".

Deb {Blood Moon}

When reading a genre that is not my norm, I look for well developed characters and a plot that moves forward. You have both here. I really like the way the dialog reveals the characters. I think this book will do well and I'm happy to back it.

Best of luck,
El
Reckless Scarlett

Great first chapter and prologue. I look forward to reading more actually. I to feel a certain fondness for hansom villans. lol. Your style of writing is so believeable and easy on the eyes. From what I have read, this will be great and I gladly back it and hope it does well.

Carrie L McRae
The Keeper of Adamas

***NOTE*** Please see my profile before you read, back or comment on this book. I do not wish for anyone who is kind enough to take interest in it to feel ripped off when thier read is not returned. If you still wish to read after seeing my profile, my thanks. It means much.

Raven

Hi
I like the plot of the story is good. All the best. I love to read it completely.
Backed with wishes.
S. Vinay kumar

Wow Raven, reading and fallowing your book is great. It's amazing to see the resemblance between who you are from Helena she resemble you a lot.

OK Raven..I have read everything you have posted and I want more!! This is just so good and I have no doubt you can get it published. It's a gripping story with strong characters that the reader can relate to. Your style of writing is one that appeals to me immensely... the words flow across the page. I wish you every success with this!

Deb (Blood Moon)

The Shadowsword:

Raven, even though I don’t normally read this genre, your prologue and chapter one kept me interested throughout. Writing is good, and with a little extra trimming, it will be even better. A few suggestions, below, but I’m no pro so you may not agree. ;)

Maris started to cross the cave. /Maris crossed the cave, otherwise it sounds he started to cross but didn’t finish?
…and began steering the small ship…Steered/guided/maneuvered the small ship?
Two ings one after the other here – Turning, making his way, Turning, he made his way? But do you need turning?
Execution by hanging… /hanging was the traditional manner of death?
Maris cringed, hesitating to touch the plate…/Maris cringed, hesitated to touch the plate…as you use about eight ing ending words in this paragraph?
Looking at the dead warlock with determination. / This could imply the warlock has the determination, even though he’s dead, but you know what I mean. ;) Maris stepped back, and with determination, viewed the dead warlock? Gets rid of another ing word, also a ‘look-i-loo’. Especially as you use another look word in the following paragraph?
…it was stuffed with glittering… /It bulged with glittering, etc?
He looked at the Seal of Ninthar for a long curious minute./ I’d get rid of the long curious minute. Consider, - He studied the seal of Ninthar?
He looked to sea… He faced the sea?
The man brushed his hair out of his eyes… this sounds as though some other man brushed the hair?
Need, -…to a dazzling shimmer… as the dragon already glitters?
…holding up the seal…/and held up the seal?

Ch 1 …mother would make you walk…./your mother made you walk as you use ‘wouldn’t ‘ in the same sentence.

Check you're ‘began to’s such as – began to shout/shouted. – began to tremble/trembled

All the best, and already backed.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Wanted to comment earlier, but couldn't for some reason. So I read a bit more instead..

the charaters are great bro, really, I liked every single character and everything that happened. I love that its primal, dark, and unafraid to cut heads ;)

The title promises epic-ness and the book delivers, heheh.

Great short pitch. The seeming contradiction of saving/destroying raises interest. Long pitch is pretty solid as well, though it gives a lot of information to absorb in a small space. (One typo, too – should be “renowned”) The prelude (or whatever that would be called) calls in that idea of opposites/contradiction even further, which I like. Good vs. evil is expected, but the idea of something in-between, something bringing balance, is a much more dynamic concept.

I like this idea of half-men, half-dragons. Again, it’s a nice juxtaposition that gives a depth and texture to your story. I’m a little torn about the prologue. The word itself implies the “real” story hasn’t begun yet, so when it’s a bit lengthy, I find myself getting impatient. Yours is very well written, though, so I told myself to think of it as the first chapter to stave off that impatience.

Tiny nits in the prologue: “Are there any other kind?” seems like it should use “is” instead, since it refers to a singular deal in the prior sentence. Do you mean “carefully-laden” or “carefully-laid”? “as evil as you get” sounds slightly modern with the surrounding language.

I’ve now read the first chapter, meeting Helena and Michella. You present the girls and their personalities well, especially Helena’s reaction to her abilities as they deal with Farhan.

Solidly written, just right for the genre. Backed.

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

A well written fantasy with god characterisation. As a reader I was compelled to read more.

Raven,

Reread the prologue and first chapter. You should be proud of yourself, you’ve taken this to the next level!

The revised prologue is excellent. Especially the opening paragraph and the ending one. This a prologue that will keep the reading going!

The first chapter is well done too and very exciting. The only critique I have is the background info on the girls’ families. I think it works and is appropriate here, but try to work it in a little more naturally. Right now, it seems a little forced. I would suggest have something happen that draws attention to Michella’s dress. She could catch it on something or get a spot of dirt on it. This could cause Helena to compare it to her own raggedy dress and sandals and the whole discussion on how their upbringing is different

Already backed.

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

Hereditary witches who don't know they're magical, men who have dragon ancestors, a foul-mouthed young lady of fine breeding, all ingredients for a captivating and entertaining story. Well written and fast paced enough to hold the readers interest. Backed.

Please allow me to invite you to read my book RIVER DREAM.

DW

Screeched to a halt to take the time and go over this. Flowing movement and imaginative........

backed
sue sohn

Greetings Raven,

I sure liked the beginning prophecy of your book well written and suspenseful. It gives us the subtle foreshadowing of what the character has to become or is. Your short pitch really brought my interest to this. How will she save her people if she has to destroy the world? It seems like a negative that will overcome anything that's good. But I bet that is the twist within your story.

One item you may wish to watch out for is filler words. I noticed you use "that," (for instance) a tad more often then you need to. You could easily get by with eliminating some and in turn they should make your sentences stronger. Also, In your one line "'Well, what are you waiting for thief?' spoke the voice from behind" I think spoke should be capitalized since you ended the preceding sentence with a question mark. Since you are in your character POV and you already have their thoughts italicized, you should be able to drop the "he wonder, he thought," ect. Lastly, watch out for using passive words such as was and had been. Try and find a way to make them more active.

I did like your overall story lots of intrigue and suspense. I like how easy it was to read and in such a calming manning. I also admire your enthralling imagery.

Best wishes,
Victoria (Revulsion in Light of Devotion)

You have a quick and easy ability to pull your audience in to the narrative. Wonderfully done. I'm a fan of Shanna Abe's dragon people and this reminded me of that; although yours are a lot darker. I can't wait to return and read more. Backed.
Jenny

oh my goodness! It really is completely different! I will have to check it out more Sunday!