Water under the Bridge...Rises

Natasha,
I backed this a while ago but didn't get round to commenting so here goes ..
I think you write with a deceptively easy style. This has all the makings of a commerical success - accessible, realistic, well written.
My only niggle is that it is so gentle in places the reader can forget the drama that's unfolding. Perhaps there are times when you could let yourself go and really challenge the reader?
Best of luck with this and all your writing.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE

Dear Natasha,
Perhaps call it Water Rises or H2O Rises.
I like the bridge but right now it sounds too much like a cliche.
The pitch is enticing - I have starred it because I will read it and put it on my shelf.
A Zoomer

HI Natasha ...

An unusual way to start a story, through a childs point of view, but it works. The story is strong and characters are good. Dialogue is believable. I found the change from the child to his twenty second birthday a little abrupt and confusing and had to go back to see if I had missed something.

A few suggestions. There are places where the story is overwritten (my problem). I now ask: Does the reader need to know this? Is It relevant and does it drive the story forwards. Also you talk of UncleTerrance and then drop in Uncle Colin without any explanation.

In Chapter 2, you use the expression: 'cool stuff' twice close together.

The ellipsis (ellipses, plural). It should be: 'word ... word' with a space before and after. At the end of dialogue it should be: 'word ...' with a space before only. If used at the beginning of dialogue: '... word', with a space after only and should never be used with other puctuation: 'word ...?': 'word ...!' In MS Word, a proper ellipsis can be formed by holding down 'Alt Gr' and keying 'full stop' (period).

I apologise for my pickiness. 'Backed'. Regards ... Duncan..

Hi Natasha,

I've only had time to read the first two chapters of this. It's a brilliant start and the unusual method of starting the story from a child's viewpoint work well. I can't see, at this stage, how the story can fit into the catagory of 'chic lit', but perhaps that comes later.

In the short sample I read I found no errors.

Ron

Your brilliant, dynamic story grabbed me and kept me riveted. Vital writing. I absolutely love this thoughtfully composed story. Backed.

So well put! Fluent and captivating is probably what I should say, I love this inviting story that lays out the most unexpected read and obviously flows to a plane that is equally enthralling! The speech of a young child throughout the first chapter sets the innocence at heart in this story. Very nice!

Natasha, you are quite the story teller! - the first chapter is a sweet draw to what's ahead!

Magnifico! And Backed!

Rome
Directives for Murder

BRILLIANT BRILLIANT.

THIS IS A SOUND AND WELL - WRITTEN BOOK

BACKED

Hope you get the chance to peek insidse The Russian Hat. I could do with a lift.

warm wishes

Brendan

This wotk is truly brilliant. I like the way you write. Skillfull and pleanty of talent here.

BACKED

Hope you get the chance to peek inside The Russian Hat. I could sure use the lift.

warm wishes

Brendan

Hi Natasha.

I have read your work and found it fascinating. It is clear that you have put a great deal of effort into your writing, You, as a writer, are committed to your content and serious about the development of your craft. I love your pitch and the way you presented the story in a clear manner. What I like about Authonomy is that it allows writers, of all abilities, to share their work with other keen writers and readers, work that might not otherwise become published—and not necessarily for any reasons related to literary merit. I have backed your book since I felt that your efforts deserve my backing. Best of luck with your writing.

FLETCH
STORIES FROM A LEAKING MIND

Thanks for backing King Solomon's '13'!

Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Nice pitch. Good opening, believable first few pages. got a bit confused later on - was it me? Perhaps another look at it. All oin all a fair piece of work.
Faith

HIS mother - I mean. Slip of the finger!

Nicole

Hi Natasha

A powerful opening. You take us right into the child's world, while also giving a really strong impression of her mother. Well, it's just good story-telling, in short, and you know how to do it. Well done. Backed.

Nicole

Backed! Will you please take a quick peek at my "Spartan Heart," and if you deem it worthy, return the favor?

Thank you so much! Best wishes for all of your writing endeavors.

Kristine Cheney
Spartan Heart

HI Natasha,

I read the first chapter and felt the tension created by that mistaken grandmother. Your heroine must have loved her husband a great deal to be able to persevere throughout his affair with Gwendolyn.
"Water Under the Bridge...Rises" has a friendly-to-read style to it, despite the critically emotional issues it brings up.
Shelved.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories

First and foremost I like your website, good job. I've got one of my own if you'd like to check it out http://dianajanesworld.weebly.com

Now back to your story. You're right, this does intrigue me, consider this backed, for sure. The main character is very easy to connect with and her humor speaks widely to me. I'll comment more as I move along. Definitely a great start though.

cheers,
//DJ.Berquist

Having a quick reshuffle on my shelf. Duly backed. Sorry cant comment more at the moment. Good Luck. P

I cannot compete with the constructive comments made by RPK. I enjoyed the meeting in the shop between the MC and the old lady. Then all of a sudden Dimitri is 22 and I got lost. The pace immediately shut down and I had to go back and find out if I had missed something. A simple change of chap would give the reader chance to adapt to this new time slot. Kind Regards, Anne

You build a nice mystery in the first chapter. The dialogue between his mother and the other woman is very interesting. It's difficult, obviously, to capture the point of view of a five-year-old boy. Some of the things which I thought worked against you slightly.

1) Trying to reflect his mother's thought in the opening line. Difficult to do. I believe it would work better, at least IMO, if you merely reflected what his mother said to the other people.
2) You describe the store as neat and well-stocked, but these likely are alien concepts for a boy that age. Certainly the well-stocked is easier to convey. What would help you, I believe, is more sensory details. The smell of the food. What smells good to him and what doesn't. The colors and shapes. I always found meat especially strange. When I was a kid that age, I used to think the fresh liver behind the butcher's counter was chocolate pudding. That's just an example of a kid's perspective. The detail about the cereal is very nice. In fact, that's the first sign of tension in your story for several reasons: a) He wants to go off on his own, and must win his mother's trust first, b) He wants the latest toy. In fact, you could make this even more important to him--maybe the only thing which matters, c) He meets a woman who claims to be his grandmother (excellent tension here). In fact, I very much think you could start the chapter here, with Dimitri wanting to get the cereal with the latest toy.
3) Describing the woman as attractive. Adults, to a kind, are just that: adults. They're almost another form of life, another species, and they tend to talk to a kid in patronizing fashion--especially strangers. I remember detesting that sort of stuff when I was little: "Oh, isn't he a handsome little man?"

I noted similar issues in the 2nd chapter. Some of the details are interesting, but others, like the wedding of his uncle, seem remembered from an adult's perspective, not that of a kid. I recommend sticking to the facts only. What do these people look like? How do their voices sound? I have to concur with some of the other comments: the transition from Dimitri as a kid to 22 is abrupt. I'll throw out this idea in case you find it useful: as an opening hook, how about something along the lines of, "I first saw her when I was five" (or something similar).

A nice mystery builds in the third chapter. It's difficult to change from one character's first-person perspective to another without some cue. Here, you use the character's name. Have you considered using third person?

I think your opening needs some attention, though, despite my reservations, I really like the story you have working here, and I give you credit for trying some things that aren't the easiest for a writer to pull of. In fact, there's a bit of desyncronisity here, what with moving from Dimitri as 5 to 22 and then to Marilyn's perspective when she first saw Dimitri. Really, I think your story has enormous potential, and I give you credit for not playing it safe, as most writers would do. You show a lot of creativity, and with some work, this can become a really powerful story. Backed.

RPK, The Dunkirk Horror

I've read the first 2 and half chapters. Couple of things. The writing reads more like technical writing than creative writing. There's too much: I did this, then I did that, and then I did this. In the beginning, Dominic does not sound like a believable five year old boy. I think the voice would change from the thoughts and words of a five year old to the thoughts and words of a twenty-two year old. I think the first chapter would be better as a foreward to the story - but be careful about that and don't do it just because I think so - I understand that many agents and publishers aren't too keen on forewards and prologues. Not so much with epilogues either.

The story is a good story. I would start with chapter one and 'be' the character as you write their thoughts, words, and feelings. Make me feel the fear in Dominic when he sees and interacts with "the lady" in the grocery store. Make me feel the anger and frustration of Nina when confronted with the woman. It seemed a bit too much with the southern pleasent politeness. If it was my kid, I would be going off - regardless of my "Dr." title and telling her where to get off. For heaven's sake she just tried to steal my kid (in my mind). I'd be calling for store security and demanding she explain herself to the authorities. I would definitely not willfully allow her to walk out of the store. Put yourself, as a mother, in Nina's shoes. What would you really say and do. Connect your emotions to Nina's character. Make the reader have compassion and get all righteous with Nina. That's what connects me to and holds me in a story.

I like Dominic. He's the little boy that people love to love. Nina is the mom that everyone wants to be and know. You have strong characters. You have good writing skills. Pulling it all together is going to be the trick. I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I'm one of those honest readers who don't make you feel good for the sake of feeling good.

Thank you for backing Sticks and Bones. I will back Water Under the Bridge because it has enormous potential to be one of the best.

Hi Natasha. Backed. Could you please back my friends book THE NOT SO SECRET EMAILS OF COCO PINCHARD by Robert Bryndza. Thank you
Lucy

Hi Natasha. Backed. Could you please back my friends book THE NOT SO SECRET EMAILS OF COCO PINCHARD by Robert Bryndza. Thank you
Lucy

I'm sorry. This one just didn't hold my interest. While the voice does come across as both authentic (grounded in reality) and realistic (people actually do speak this way) it also suffers, in my view, from being almost TOO conversational.

The prose rambles too much (for me) and the punctuation issues abound. I need to have some inkling what it is I'm reading about or I can't hook in.

Unlike some others, my only rule for critiques is, "Would I buy this?"

I don't think i would. I'm sorry. I'd like to back everything but sometimes I just can't.

This is a good start. The multiple POVs confused me because they all sound the same to me - there's no real characterisation in the different first persons. However, the story is interested and well-laid out, and I hope it goes well for you.

There's a little bit of dialogue confusion too. Sometimes one character speaks over three seperate paragraphs, when they should all be in one set of quotation marks on one paragraph.

Good job, and good luck!

Esme C

Hi Natasha,

If this is your first attempt, I'm impressed so much better than my first attempt. You have a clear picture in your head of what is happening but I'm afraid I got a little confused in the first coupe of chapters, but I think that may be down to me. I am intrigued to find out more as teh characters are certainly believable and the setting is good.

Backed
Craig

A fresh perspective on a familiar theme, with natural dialogue and distinctive characters. Intriguing and very smoothly put together. The quintessential good read.

Backed with pleasure.

Jann King (“Making Connections”)

I was drawn into the story straight away and wanted to continue to read to find out who the strange woman was. I am looking forward to you uploading some more.
Happy to back.

Best Wishes

Anna
Always the Bridesmaid

Read two chapters, the writing is laid back and easy to drop into. Loved the character development. backed with ease. Keith

Hi Natasha,

Great read. You`ve created an intriguing group of characters, who are flawed but very believable. Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Gabriel)

Hi Natasha,

Water under the bridge has a great cover. The pitch sets things up nicely but it's not until chapter 3 that the people in the pitch make an appearance. I think if it were my book I'd start with chapter three.

I'd like to know how old Demetri is sooner in the story. He'd have to be a tall 5 year old to push a grocery cart by him self.

In chapter one..."When no to test her" I think you mean "When not..."

Chapter two is very jumbled and moves around in time quite abruptly.

Hope this helps. You've got a great concept here, just needs a little polish.

backed for potential
Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

Very nicely done! Enjoyable and gladly backed . Best Regards, Jedward (Knut)

Great book cover and the preface pulled me in. Well written enjoyable story.
Backed :)
Sam (Fallacy)

oh nice twist on the topic of affairs. well written, nice characters. Enjoyed - Backed - Clair

Good story and I enjoyed reading. Backed.

Hi Natasha
'Fraid I was only able to look at the first chapter - reading from the screen is difficult for me. It is an intriguing opening chapter and I want to know more - but I'll have to wait for the hard copy :-) I do have to add though, that I didn't find the dialogue easy to follow, but that's probably down to the fact that I'm English. I'm sure, once I got into the book, and used to your way of writing, that it would flow more smoothly for me. Good luck.
Katy
No Man No Cry

Natasha ... Very interesting ... but where is this going next?
At present it is around 14,000 words, which is ok for a long short story - but it isn't a short story. Is it a novella?
Does it still have the length and strength left in it to become a novel?
Lots of sections seem well-rounded and well-written, but as a whole it seems a little 'undigested', as if you needed to get it all down on paper first (on screen), and that then you would sort it out and revise and refine it.
Plenty of potential there, but a great deal of work still to be done on it. Keep going.
RT

Read chapter one, I'm beginning to enjoy watching your character development. You have a great thing going here!
Good luck with this!
~Beth Gracie

Dear Natasha, You were right, I really liked it! Thanks for reminding me. I enjoyed your character development and the way the story unfolds. I'll have to come back for more. The onevthing I did not understand was 'Plus, not lollygag' in ch.1. Is this an Americanism? Good luck with the book, anyway. Gordon xx

Natasha,
Your book cover drew me in straight away.
Loved the story and will read more.

Best wishes,
Dawn,
My Friends and Me

You were right- I do like this! Really good set up in chapter 1, gets the reader into every character's head swiftly.
Amazing cover, by the way, great combination and really draws the eye.

I'd love to read more and I really don't say that often when I'm out of genre, so well done- you have me hooked!

Definitely backed and all the best further.

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

You immediately set up the characters and setting--then draw the reader in. Best wishes!
John Schreiber
Heartstone

Natasha,

I have read all that you have submitted and enjoyed the style and rolling matter-of-fact manner in which you portrayed inter-personal relationships, betrayal, and points of view.

I appreciate the way you protrayed sex as a slice of life and didn't make it the utlimate purpose of your story. Thanks for not using the "F" word when you had the opportunity --I think you handled the situation well without it.

You have strong wordsmithing talents and tell a stroy in an intresting fashion. I did get a bit lost in the time-lines an which characters were interrelating. Perhaps you could throw some names in with the dialogue more.

Your characters are very believable, the plot was credible, and the places were pleasant, although I would have liked a bit more fleshing out of the scene locations.

The child point of view was well handled. I believe I might have had more mental gymnastics going on after the betrayal, like doing the same thing, or getting even in other ways, then deciding not to do them, etc.

I'd have been comfortable with a bit more action. I liked the grocery store scene with the grandmother mix-up.

Your grammar and spelling are strong, but there are a few small blips on the syntax radar.

Overall, I can back this book because it is interesting and readable and the strength of your writing expertise has carried the storyline to give you credibility as an author, a weaver of life-style and circumstance stories.

Thanks for a good read.

PawPaw Mike LaRiviere
Eden's Door

Natasha,
This is a wonderful pitch, and first novel. You have such strength in your voice, and your writing is amazing. I backed this book with pleasure and look forward to reading your novel.
Helen

This is really well crafted, I like it and I wish you the very best with it. Good Luck. E.LoraineRoyal Blood Chronicles book one

Ah lovely a child's view - I've got this in my ch 2 & 4 - if yuo'd take a look I'd value your opinion-
I think your voice is good, but slightly creepy? at the start
occasional slips - eg 'as we continued to put this asnd that in the cart '
I could back this - could you give mesome meaningful feedback on, say, ch2 of my book?

hello there Natasha,
I've never read a book from a child's first point of view and I have to say you did a very good job at it and a boy at that! It's filled with suspence and it's so much more intense because it is happening to a child. I would definitely get this on paper. I'm wondering if some of Dimitri's dialogue is not in quotes because it's a memory and eventually the book will go on to be written from his point of view when he's an adult?

Reading on! Good luck,
Peri Cevic

I really like this! what a good read thank you x

Hayley Fairy ring farm & Bloodlines

Hello Natasha. I just read the first few chapters of Water Under the Bridge...Rises. I'm impressed with how well you pulled off using multiple first-person perspectives instead of having one omniscient pov. I had a little bit of difficulty following the sequence and/or timing of the events, but I like the story and love the cover. I think you will do well. Backed, and thank you for backing Seka.
Sharon Cooper

You're a good writer and I enjoyed the fact that this was from the child's POV. That's a difficult thing to do and you managed to pull it off well. Backed.

Carol

You have a good plot, and your writing is competent, with few errors aside from some careless or missing punctuation around dialogue.
The problem with your story is that the timeline is unclear. You start with Dimitri's 5-yr-old POV, then suddenly in the middle of Ch2, he is adult, but with just a bare mention within a paragraph to mark the transition, - far too easy for the reader to miss. Ch 3 is from Marilyn's POV, and again it is too frequently unclear just when the events are happening. You need to make transitions far more clear, more clearly mark flashbacks, or simply make the narrative move forward in a more linear fashion. If you confuse your readers, then you lose them, and that is a shame, as it's a book with a great deal of promise. Good luck with it. Marj.