The Alzheimer’s Club

The Alzheimer's Club

Hi Dylan,

What an intelligent, sensitive and warm-hearted treatment of a difficult and important illness. The sheer humanity of our MC immediately makes him a sympathetic read. I have enjoyed reading this Dylan, you have some wonderful touches, never prurient or sneery about sufferers of this condition, always reverent and dignified in your treatment of them. There is very little more for me to say, except good luck. Exceptionally sensitive and thoughtful writing, gentle humour, but never parody, impressive stuff. My only suggestion would be don't have roaring like a banshee in that first paragraph, tired and over-used phrase, roar like something fresh and inventive, you have the skill and talent. We all do it, our attention is elsewhere momentarily and the odd hackneyed phrase sneaks in.

But best of luck and best wishes Dylan, great stuff
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

My mother in law is in a nursing home for Alzeimer patients. She has both the 'big A' and Dementia, so I think I'm qualified to say what I'm about to...

THIS BOOK IS SUPERB!

You've captured the essence of the 'madhouse' perfectly, it was a laugh out loud read, thanks for brightening up my day Dylan.

Bob (Auctoratus)

Hi Dylan
Found the book quite interesting especialy the as it deals with a dreadful affliction.It starts up slow and becomes a page turner. I back it.

This is one of the best stories on this site- I love it! It has a little something for every kind of reader and the story proper is well crafted and polished! BACKED 100%

Liz
The Cheech Room

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and back this book, even tho the author has not logged in for well over 2 months. A book this good (about old age and senility, no less!) from one so young is truly frightening. Marvelous natural writing skills. Please come back, sir, and claim your accolades. And finish this book!

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

Dear Dylan Craig Boyes,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have many good things going for you in your story. You put a new twist on a murder mystery, with forgetful witnesses and a doctor trying to solve it rather than a detective. In your first pages you depict the awkwardness and humor in the old person’s home, complete with a man without pants yelling that this is his house and he must be obeyed. You do a good job depicting different personalities through dialog, especially the brazen patients. I’m glad to read something fun.

In my fallible opinion, you can make your pitches even more exciting by changing a few words. You don’t need “he works with are friendly and professional” because it doesn’t build tension. Also, I feel a comma would aid sentence flow in the short pitch, before “topped off”.

I urge you to continue writing. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

I was drawn to your book by your excellent book cover, the pitch and to check that you were able to write sensitively about this delicate subject. You have really found a good balance of warm sensitivity and humour. It is a touching and original tale.

There's some overwriting that could do with pruning. For example, have a look at all the adverbs to see if they are needed - do they clutter your prose? There are also some typos and minor slips that mar your writing at the moment but these are easily edited out - eg para 1 'having' should read 'as had', elsewhere 'quiet good looking' should be 'quite'.

Good luck with this book. I have backed it as I feel it has potential to do well. Tacitus (Where Truth Lies)

Fantastic book. Really speaks with a true, clear voice. It would seem that there's a lot of real experience here?

Backed!

Darren Floyd (Match Day)

Excellent story and treatment of an important issue. My only suggestion is that you think about POV in your opening. Once Bernie is on the scene it becomes his story. Maybe we should see the home through his eyes when he first arrives. On my shelf.

Very nicely done. I really enjoyed the first chapter. I have experience of old folks' homes and thought you captured the mayhem perfectly! Confused people drifting around aimlessly creativing havoc. A very good idea for a novel and pretty topical too. Backed. Clare (Second Lives)

i like that you've struck a good balance between finding the funny side of this topic, but not being offensive. it's a good opening, throwing the reader right into the middle of the chaos. i like that we're already getting a good sense of the characters, as well. it'll be interesting to see where the murder comes into play. it seems so innocent for now! i read your profile as well and you said you were really looking for advice. i think the writing is just fine - my only bit of advice would be in the actual language. there were a couple spelling errors ('feint' when you mean 'faint', i forget the other) and for me, it threw me off the way chapter 1 started in past tense, then turned into present tense while speaking about things that were in the past just a moment before - then it switched back to past. i would just make it consistent, keep it all past tense, personally, but otherwise i think it's a really nice book, thanks for sharing!

Hi Dylan,

I have to say, when this gets published, I am definityl buying a copy. The opening scene where the man is walking pantsless and the woman try to pick them up with an umbrella is hillrious! I love the humor and warm style of your writing. Your charcters are very flushed out and come to life off the pages.

I didn find one mistake in the following sentence, unless I;m reading it wrong.

"He handed to book over to Tina who now looked grateful rather than angry." Shoudn't that be, "He handed (the) book to Tina who now looked grateful rather than angry.

Anyways, a great entertianing story that anyone of any age or audience will enjoy. Backed!

Sincerly,
Jonathon

This is a lovely read. What comes over immediately is the sheer humanity in the writing, which displays pathos and humour in equal measure. But it's easy to overlook just how much skill is required for writing on a subject like this which most authors would instinctively steer away from. I'm sure the author would make a successful writer if he so wished, but if he is not studying medicine, then he should certainly consider it. Backed.

You have chosen an unusual subject, and one that needs careful handling. I admire the skill with which you manage to make this a very amusing book, while never making the illness of the patients in Lavender House a subject for laughter in itself. In your second chapter, in fact, it is the inspector who is the person laughed at, and the residents who make fun of him. You introduce some attractive characters, Bernie, a very likable young man; Elisabeth, a caring if sometimes brusque matron; and the good looking cook, Leslie Gorge. There is sometimes a poignant note to your writing, as befits the subject. You write clearly and the book is easy to read. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hi Dylan,
Whta an absolute 'scream' this is. I think you have captured the beleif of what most people would imagine the scenarios would be in a home for people with such a dibilitating disease but would be to affraid to admit to. The story is fantastic and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it - the image of Fredrick's hairy whitye arse is one of the first we are introduced to and possibly one that will stick in my head for far toooo long, but brilliant all the same. I have read enough to know this is going straight on my shelf, but should I need a damn good chuckle, I will return!!!!
Best of luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Great premise, Dylan. Really enjoyed what I've read so far and will be back to read more later. But shelving it anyway! Good luck. :-)

Dylan,you've certainly come up with a story that's not run-of-the-mill! I was a little nervous about reading this, as there have been dementia sufferers in my family, and it's a subject that can be quite distressing. But you achieve the feat of gentle humour that's not cruel or dismissive - the sort of humour that many caregivers would recognise, I think.

I've read all you've posted (though I only skimmed over ch. 3, as you made it clear it's in draft form), and would love to see how this continues. From your pitch you have an intriguing plot! And your characters are likable, which means it's pleasant to spend time in their company.

Other readers have mentioned typos and grammar issues, but those are just a matter of proofreading (I make it sound easy, don't I? :-) ) that will add polish to your writing. In the meantime, you have a good voice and a clever story. Well done!

Shelved.

Hai..I loved the Inspector´'s visit. Shelved.
This is an original idea and excellentlly portrayed.
I really need to read a bit more though.
Hope it goes really well for you...........mikey.............The Free

The Alzheimer's Club has a fascinating pitch and a great cover - so no doubt about opening it up and getting stuck in! I like your chatty, sensitive and funny style of writing, too, which drew me straight in and kept me turning the pages.Happy to back this.
A few issues for the editor to look at, though. I'd suggest a trawl through for 'had's and 'had been's to see if you can make things more immediate [eg: he had hair that had been combed = his hair was combed, or even his hair is combed]. Do the same to root out adjectives and adverbs that slow things down. Likewise for dialogue qualifiers [she said bluntly/ strictly/ loudly/ politely/ calmly etc] where the context and/or accompanying actions should show things rather than you telling. Also with dialogue tags [Elisabeth explained] watch out that you are not just repeating the obvious along the classic lines of 'I'm sorry', he apologised - 'said' usually suffices, reinforced with a 'showing' action if needed. Small things, but might add extra polish and punch IMHO. Good luck.

Hi Dylan,
The Alzheimer's Club is a tantalizing and enjoyable read. I love the presentation of the inmates. The staff and inspector are also so bizarre that it makes the reader want to keep turning pages to discover what's going on here. Elizabeth's first introduction to Bernie of Freda as the one who's cleaned up some "repulsing crime scenes" also makes one wonder what in the world is happening hear. Bernie himself seems a bit strange in that he so willingly complies with all the madness--very curious indeed. Love to read more. backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

This is poignant and funny – not an easy cocktail to mix that. I rather enjoyed it.

Did spot a few typos:
- ‘Another a in-house doctor’ – presumably the ‘a’ needs to go?
- You sometimes hyphenate in-house, and sometimes don’t, and in one place it becomes ‘in hose’ (which, I guessed, wasn’t deliberate, but it did give me an extra smirk).
- ‘She was not sure if she like’ – presumably you meant ‘liked’?
- In general, I’d sprinkle more commas in, if I was you (but, then, I am over-keen on them).

There’s something quite charming about this story. I’ve been obliged to spend enough time around old folks’ homes that it made me laugh.

I do like how this is set and structured - unique concept. The dialogue was sound and kept the story moving. I liked that not every line had a qualifier when the speaker was obvious. I also liked how you used sound (chair squeeking for example). It offered a rounded experience that put me more in the moment. Good luck with this.

Hi Dylan!

This was a very enjoyable read I have to say. I love that your characters have a sense of humour! Who knew that women of eighty odd years would find a stripper in the least bit interesting! I think it's good that you've taken a more playful approach to such a difficult subject. I understand all about alzheimers and sometimes all you can do is laugh at what people with the illness come out with. The alternative is to bottle up your emotions and that's not good. You're on to a winner here!

Best of luck with it,
Grace - Suitcase of Memories

Entertaining without ever taking the p*** out of your selected characters - you also write very well - great work

backed

kev

Well done. Very sensitive but with a light touch. This book has lots of potential. My only suggestion is to go back and pull out as many adjectives and adverbs as you can. As they say - tighten it up. Good luck!

Once some editing is done to polish things up a little, this can be a very good piece of work. The story holds a lot of potential. I am shelving this to give a little more exposure.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Dylan,
This is an entertaining read and I have laughed a lot.
You will need to do a lot of editing, though. Use a spell-check program to get rid of the mistakes. You also need to work on punctuation.

I am sure this will be a very nice book once you have put some work on it. To encourage you, I will put your book up on my shelf as soon as you have commented on mine.
Nillan
Blue-eyed in Luhya-land

Dylan,

I'm glad I had a chance to read this. It's funny and amusing while spinning a unique story wrapped around a tragic subject. That's a tough line to walk, but you manage to pull it off. Nice job! Backed!

Kevin
Head Games

By the way, at one point in chapter 1, you have the word "quiet" when you meant "quite". Spell check must have missed that one.

I got a little teary eyed at one point because you have captured so many aspects of living with Alzheimer.

You have talent as a novelist with writing that is both endearing and necessary.

What else can I say but Brilliant. I wish you all the best

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

I'm with Simon as this is worthy enough of a SHELVING.

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

HI Dylan,

So glad Lynne pointed me in the direction of your book. This shouldn't be funny, but it is ;O) Loved the old dear waiting for Sean Connery to pick her up, really makes your characters come alive with humour like this.

I'm LOVIN that it's a murder mystery and am already seeing a whole mine field of problems for Bernie when he tries to solve the crime (maybe he should call on Doc Sloan for some advice!!)

Fab title too!

So on my shelf ;o)

Love Bev x

Betrayal & Love Overboard

This is very very good and shows great potential. You create characters off the bat, three-dimensional characters, and you have them bouncing off each other in an enclosed environment (Lavender House). That is not easy to do, as it requires the skills of a playwright, as so much needs to be conveyed through the dialogue. You do this effortlessly. I am impressed. Have sent you some messages on possible improvements.
Frank

Very well done and great voice. Happy to back!

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Hi Dylan, Back to comment as promised. I like the premise behind this tale and there is plenty of scope for humour and drama - which I can see you are already exploiting nicely. I do think you need to edit carefully at some point and beware of over-writing - unnecessary adverbs, cliches etc creeping in. I see others have given you pointers about this too - it really can make a difference to the impression you give the reader as well as sharpen your prose. Good luck! AnneX

The title got me! I just had to take a look, and boy am I glad I did! This is a real unique look at crime fiction, yeas with a good dose of humour and indeed sadness thrown in. I am really enjoying it and am happy to give it a good spin on the shelf! Good luck!
Simon

Dylan-- I like the idea of a murder mystery set amid a group of such unreliable witnesses-- makes for some great twists on the time-worn formula. I think there is a lot going for this idea and I hope that the comments on here help to encourage you as you polish and aim for the desk-- I am under the gun this weekend, but am shelving you and hope to return for better comments...

Ruth/Base Spirits

Clever and funny with just the right amount of poignancy.
Backed.

I absolutely know that there is nothing funny about Alzheimers, but you have managed to portray the subject in such a sensitive and humourous manner that it makes for compulsive reading. It is so well written that you obviously have experience of the subject. A super book and one which I will back as soon as I have room on my shelf. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

An amazing book overall, eye opening antics of residents in the home. Good work, a little polish and tightening here and there would make it even better. I was very impressed at your knowledge at this awful illness. Very pleased I had this on my shelf.

The Alzheimer's Club

Hi Dylan,

What an intelligent, sensitive and warm-hearted treatment of a difficult and important illness. The sheer humanity of our MC immediately makes him a sympathetic read. I have enjoyed reading this Dylan, you have some wonderful touches, never prurient or sneery about sufferers of this condition, always reverent and dignified in your treatment of them. There is very little more for me to say, except good luck. Exceptionally sensitive and thoughtful writing, gentle humour, but never parody, impressive stuff. My only suggestion would be don't have roaring like a banshee in that first paragraph, tired and over-used phrase, roar like something fresh and inventive, you have the skill and talent. We all do it, our attention is elsewhere momentarily and the odd hackneyed phrase sneaks in.

But best of luck and best wishes Dylan, great stuff
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

My mother in law is in a nursing home for Alzeimer patients. She has both the 'big A' and Dementia, so I think I'm qualified to say what I'm about to...

THIS BOOK IS SUPERB!

You've captured the essence of the 'madhouse' perfectly, it was a laugh out loud read, thanks for brightening up my day Dylan.

Bob (Auctoratus)

You have an interesting story here with vivid characters and good description. I would pay attention to clunky sentences that give too much or unnecessary detail, and watch for proper dialogue punctuation.
Some sentences I stumbled over were:

to run a little faster, the young woman kicked off her heals....
>The young woman kicked off her heels to hasten the twenty meter dash around corners and pieces of furniture.

...made an appearance at (the) reception desk

spat on the hardwood floor out of outrage >either: out of rage, or from outrage

dialogue punctuation:
"How may I help you today," She said breathlessly (do not capitalize 'she')
"I'm not your daughter Frederick!" She hissed irritably. (same as above)
"Come in." Elizabeth said... (the period should be a comma)

...hurriedly apologized saying... (cut out the word 'saying')
The door happened to open at that absolute moment... (I don't think 'absolute' adds anything here)

...hook his pants up, Frederick was offended... (use a period instead of a comma)

...residents that might wonder in unexpectedly... (wander)

I thought Paxie pointed out a lot of good things also. All in all, a good piece of work that just needs some tightening.

Dylan, great location for a comedic mystery. Quick moving, chuckle after chuckle. There is so much potential to delve into the patients - first chapter very enjoyable. Shelved. CW (To Save the Sun)

Dylan
I go to a Writers Club, each week we read a chapter of our work aloud to the group.....It's excrutiating ! I sit there with my red pen scribbling like a demon.....But, I admit, it's soooooo worthwhile...... All the little un necessary words jump off the page, when you hear then richocheting off your eardrums.....

You have a fabulous concept here, but you really do have to be more economic with your narrative....

ie.
The front door happened to open at that absolute moment........
vis a vis.
At that moment, the front door opened....

on a stool facing the window that looked out onto the quiet street.
vis a vis
on a stool at the window overlooking the quiet street....

she was reading a paperback, but not just any one but a steamy saucy romance novel.
vis a vis
she was reading a steamy saucy romance novel.....


Your writing voice, should not be tvery different from your speaking voice.....I'm not advising you change your style, far from it....We all have our own uniqueness.......

I enjoyed the read, very much.....I hope my comment might help...

Backed with pleasure, there is a great story here

I like the way we are dumped straight into the chaos at the start. I would definitely read more of this if I found it on sale or in a library. An interesting premise and some nice humorous touches, to boot.

Shelved.

Mary Mc
Few are Chosen - comic fantasy

This is enjoyable - I smiled plenty of times while reading. I think you can sharpen up your pitch, especially the short. Some typos and adjustments here and there. eg. A few more commas near start of chap 1. Remove a few 'that's where they're unneccesary. Chap 2 title: Inspector's Visit. Near end chap 2: who's -> whose.
Cheers,
Simon

At first I thought this would be boring, based on the subject matter, but it was actually really enjoyable.
I like Dawn's firey personality in the beginning, she gets the story off on the right foot.
In regards to writing, there is a tendancy to overwrite here. Which is something I always do. Sometimes less is more. And in this case you have some great sentences that would only be furthered by some trimming.
With more work on punctuation, plot fluidity and the over writing I think this could really fly.
These technical things are easy to correct. What you have in boat loads is clever witty narrative.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Very likable and highly entertaining.

I don't have anything to add to the outstanding advice you've
received, and I'll be happy to back this when I re-arrange my
shelf.

Best wishes, and thanks for an enjoyable, interesting read -

AlleJo

You're a much better writer than you believe, and you should take comfort and reassurance from all the positive feeback you get on this site - and I'm sure you will. Youy story is based on an interesting premise, in a most unusual environment, and your descriptive passages lack nothing. Your dialogue is vibrant and drives the story well. There are LOTS of typos, even in your pitch, and clearly you will need to be brutal with yourself at the editing stage. That said, this book has a lot going for it, and it has my backing. Best wishes, Tony.

Well, I've worked (long time ago) in a nursing home - and my mother spent a few months in one before she died, so I know this scenario very well and it has huge potential for that wonderful mix of pathos and humour. I smiled broadly at several points in this.
I do have a few questions and quibbles. Even large nursing homes don't have resident (or dedicated) doctors so that just seemed strange to me.. Also, seems very odd that a young doctor would want to be stuck in a residential home - unless something truly cataclysmic had happened to his career.
I found the shifts in POV distracting (that may just be me - I know other people don't feel that way)... But we're in Dawn's head, then Elisabeth's and then Bernie's.

This has the bones of a good book but IMHO (and remember I'm only a reader, not an editor) it could be fabulous with some more work. SHOW us what's happening, rather than telling us. Build up sympathy for your characters....get us inside their heads. I know it's a got a humorous edge (and that is fabulous) but make sure you keep the balance between sympathy and mirth!
Happy to back you for huge promise.
Jane
WALKER

Dylan
I skimmed over chapter 3, just reading a little, fingers splayed over my eyes so you wouldn't notice. Relax! I'm still cracking on with editing myself. I particularly found this interesting as I look after older folk for my work. Some of them can be hilarious, even when they don't mean to be and I think you have a good idea of what works here. Well done. Backed
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars