When The Black Swan Sings

A bit rambling and nihilistic for my liking...I need something to give me a lift and this isn't it! Still, it's well constructed and will be popular with those who prefer it dark!
Best wishes
Stewart

Haha! That's okay!

Hi Abby, for your MC it should be he, not she. Oops - sorry! Elizabeth

The main character is a boy.

Dear Abby,
Your prologue says so much about teenage angst and attitude toward life. I like your use of diary entries. I do like your font stye (it's Papyrus, I think) but maybe some people won't like it because it's a little difficult to read. i like how she is so conflicted - her fingers burn at the thought of typing, but she still desires it. She is starving but not interested in eating. Great stuff!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Hi Abby, for your MC it should be he, not she. Oops - sorry! Elizabeth

Dear Abby,
Your prologue says so much about teenage angst and attitude toward life. I like your use of diary entries. I do like your font stye (it's Papyrus, I think) but maybe some people won't like it because it's a little difficult to read. i like how she is so conflicted - her fingers burn at the thought of typing, but she still desires it. She is starving but not interested in eating. Great stuff!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Your prologue sets the tone for the balance of your book perfectly. You have crafted a most compelling and interesting storyline. Your use of short paragraphs and crisp, realistic dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing well. I do like your choice of using the first person narrative voice and your character development of Chris is excellent. All of this coupled with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The beginning

Much more than your typical bored teen angst. This is very well done, with a believable MC and good dialogue. I wondered for a time which way the story was going, but found out soon enough! No complaints, just a few typos. For instance: "I stood outside until hear the sound". Nothing a quick edit couldn't fix. Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

A very emotionally haunting tale!

Happily backed

Anna
Crystallyn

You paint a portrait of depression for Chris, your mc, that is beyond the typical blues into the clinical state. He seems disconnected with his parents although his mother seems to try to help on some level. The car, supposed to be the cure, helps to a point. That type of mental problem doesn't go away that easily. Well told. MDEyler

"I died once . . . I prefer not to think about it." A very nice start. I'm glad you uploaded the complete text so that I can come back and read more. I like the first-person voice, it helps make the novel very approachable. Chris is in the middle, like most of us. Pretty hard to believe he's in the middle if he is given a BMW by his parents as a present. Disaster, though, in this life since Rose had died when he was 13. No doubt, he was responsible or thinks he was. I want to find what influence the pushy girl Ayden has on him. Backed for now.

This is simply good writing.

Lockjaw

This is, without doubt, one of the finest most powerful books on Authonomy. Your prologue works beautifully and I threw myself into the first chapter with gusto. Needless to say, the quality dripped from every sentence. This could be a published work. Powerful, moving, emotive, profound yet accessible.Loved it
Carl
The Time Hunters

This is an imaginative story with an easy to read writing style.
-author of December Gold

Dear Abbey, I love, "I love you" in the last chapter - that says it all. I really did die when my son was born (memoir chapter "Daddy/Phil" of "Tell Me True." I was prepared to read your book after reading your recap & prologue. :) I really liked your Fred Rogers quote. :) (I've had 6 failed marriages.) Your story helped me to escape into another world - it is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

You have woven a strange etheral feel into your prologue, a sort of nebulous feeling that persist through what I've read so far. You've managed to keep an element of wondering, quite what this will be about, how we may follow Chris and where exactly is he taking us.
You clearly know how to write and tell a good story. And it's a story that has a fascinating start to it. I'm sorry I can't pursue it all this evening but I feel sure the excellent quality of your writing will continue. Backed. Margaret.

When The Black Swan Sings
Abby Lee

I love your ttitle and cover. The short pitch is thought-provoking - What's more important: the memory of someone gone, or the future of someone living? Hard to answer this question so it will be good seeing how it is done in your book. Chris Bartlett, a 17-year-old living in Chicago, suffers. This was obvious as soon as chapter one opened - his take on life, Chicago's winters feeling like hell, his seriousness and almost morbid thoughts and so on. He's spent the last 4 years of his life dealing with the aftermath of an accident that changed his life forever. That is, he suffers until Ayden comes along. It's good to know that his sufferings might end. The first part of you long pitch is clear and gives a good idea of your plot. Sounded interesting so naturally decided to take a closer look. The prologue starts with a "get up and take notice" two liner - I died once. I can't really remember how I died; I prefer not to think about it. Sounds a little like Camus' first lines in The Stranger/Outsider - Mother died today. Or was it yesterday - or something like that. It gives an eerie feel already to the writing and sets a serious tone and atmosphere. The prologue is a bit of a nightmare for this dead narrator here - he is in vast nothingness - one perspective of what it's like after death - so we want to know this person's story. We'll have to wait for more on that. Then you move to Part One, LImbo. There are some interesting scenes here with your MC and his mom, giving the reader a sense of his personality and character through his thoughts, and so on. He doesn't seem like a very happy creature does he? The scene with his mother and the car was like deja vu - this seems oddly like a scene from my life when my mother bought me my first car at around your MC's age as well - odd that you've resurrected the same kind of atmosphere, feelings of surprise and so on. It makes the hairs on my hands stand on end! I enjoyed this so far. It picks up well as the writing progresses and makes you want to turn to the next chapter - which I will do when I have some more free time. You've set a high standard with the writing so far and I think this is a good sampling of your writing skills. I see much promise here.
Best,
Zan

This is an imaginative story: a good mix of reality and fantasy. You have a good hero in Chris; he's likable and certainly sympathetic - because he's dead. He's the kind of character a reader wants to follow to see if there can possibly be a good ending to this. An added plus is your writing style. It's fresh and clear; makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

When the Black Swan Sings

I so like it when Authors use physical object as metaphors to give insight into characters, so you had me hooked straight away. I’m impressed with how well you handled the first person narrative, it help in a very good character build. Good story, very well told. – Good luck

very James Frey. I like the go-stop-go pace. Since your MC is a teenager, the writing flaws are acceptable. But in a few places, it's frustrating. The scene where Chris goes to show Baker his new car works until Baker comes outside. Beyond that, there is a statement by Baker that seems out of place and unedited. Chris tossing the keys to him doesn't feel likely either (but that could be just me).

I've only read the first chapter, but I was riveted. I'm dying to know what happened (something with Rose, I'm sure!) to cause him such pain.

His name is cool too.

:D

Lisa Candelaria Bartlett~
Brewer House

A good read. Polished charcters and diolouge that engages the reader. C W Shelved.

Hi Abby, Chris’ feeling that he’s the living dead gives this mood and momentum. His POV absorbs and after his move to Chicago, his dream of the door to a meadow is evocative. Haunting! Good texture of diary and narrative in the telling! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Abby, I've heard good reports of your book, three people recommended it to me, and I'm so pleased I got this chance to read it. I love the simplicity of the cover and that intriguing title leads into short but very effective pitches. You don't give much away in the pitches, but on reading the prologue and the opening chapter I realised this was something rather special. You've used the first-person narrative, a brave choice, to perfection using the character's own innermost thoughts to build up the picture of Chris. His devastation on the removal of the family to the big city where he knows no-one is beautifully conveyed. You use 'dark cloud' a couple of times in close proximity early on, but that's being slightly picky, just because your prose is so well written. I also wondered if you could have found another way to express 'avoid like the plague' without using that cliched simile.
The meeting with Ayden in chapter four, the talk of phobias, the ferris wheel, boats, fire gives the reader yet another insight into the problems that beset Chris. He almost allows himself to relax in her company, yet as he drives away, 'almost instantly the crowd of grief settled over me once more.'
Insightful writing and wonderfully effective characterisation. I'm delighted to back this.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

The prologue is great, haunting and powerful, how did we get to this.

Then your first person POV is done wonderfully, I was hooked from the beginning. You have a strong unique voice and style and team this with a different and powerful story and you have a winner.

This is great.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Hi Abby
A nice idea and you develop Chris well as a character. Lots of drama and description which I like. Hope you do well with this.
DP Walker
Five Dares

The prologue works because it comes off sad and quiet and melancholy--and you want to know why and you want to read more.

The line "they assume wrong" may apply to the narrator's life, but as you're addressing the reader, just be mindful that you may lose the reader if they completely disagree with that line. Obviously it's minor, but it stuck out.

There's always a 'burning in the pit of...stomach.' Mabye use something else here--more your own than a cliche.

Watch the adverbs, e.g.. "gloomily." Adverbs are very difficult to include in writing, so use them sparsely.

"Country" doesn't need to be capitalized.

Watch your tenses: "I stood outside until I hear the sound..."

Watch punctuation--"Christmas; even though" should be a comma

Overall, from what I've read, you need to show more and tell less. Show the stereotype--don't tell us that it's a stereotype. Show the lack of self-esteem, don't tell us about it.

There needs to be more drama, more depth to the writing, and it should be more developed. The dialogue when they're discussing dinner should be more realistic--right now it's a bit bland. And you tell a lot rather than show--even down where she gets the narrator the car, and he feels 'Thill,' etc.

I really appreciate all the support and encouraging words. I can't thank you enough!

This is a great read! Love the cover and the pitch but the story itself is superb! Well crafted and polished and I love the premise here! So glad it is all uploaded because I will definitely return for more tonight! Congrats on a job well done! (why is this going down in rankings - it shouldn't be - PAY ATTENTION AUTHONOMITES to this book!)
BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

This is a great read! Love the cover and the pitch but the story itself is superb! Well crafted and polished and I love the premise here! So glad it is all uploaded because I will definitely return for more tonight! Congrats on a job well done! (why is this going down in rankings - it shouldn't be - PAY ATTENTION AUTHONOMITES to this book!)
BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Abby, I found your prologue quite convincing. The first chapter is also a smooth read.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Backed January 12.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Thank you for the suggestion! I was actually pondering upon that for the longest time. But I ended up keeping it in because I wanted the reader to sort of fall into Chris's head. If they got so wrapped into the story, then eventually, when they saw "my mom," they would sort of think that Maria & Caleb are their parents. I know, I know, it's a little confusing.

Your story is written in first person anyway so I don't think you need to put My before mum and dad all the time, just put mum did this or that! Just a suggestion.

Apart from that I think you have a very well written story with much potential.

Hope my vote helps it move up the charts.

Melxx
UNICORN

Your story is written in first person anyway so I don't think you need to put My before mum and dad all the time, just put mum did this or that! Just a suggestion.

Apart from that I think you have a very well written story with much potential.

Hope my vote helps it move up the charts.

Melxx
UNICORN

What an enticing prologue! The three words of the first sentence grab the reader. They reminded me of the first sentence of Camu’s L’Étranger.

You give us the character of Chris in well-paced doses, while foreshadowing something terrible in his past. I will read more but, in the meantime, Bookshelved!

A.P. Constantin

The Crystal Butterfly Club

I can't imagine a BMW not being the antidote to depression. Seriously, this is a very stylish plot with a lot of potential, though I would second John Booth's comments below.
Well done and happy to back,
Annabelle

Hi Abby, nice opening. Chris is a really deep character. I liked the prologue, really strong and made me think. The "walking dead" an interesting concept when the character has actually died and been brought back, really nice idea. I like the diary entries, they are really effective and give us an insight into what he is thinking, the dreams are also effective and I found myself wanting to know more about Rose, who I think is the mangled body he saw in his dreams. The car is good and I like how you explain his relationship with his parents without saying too much. I think chapter 1 could benefit from a bit more action. Its a strong story and well told, I surprised its not doing a bit better, you should push it little and it should climb the charts. Backed. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

The pitch for 'When the Black Swan Sings' left me wanting a bit more information about who the characters are and where the story is going, with a few key events along the way. But this is a well-written book that means most readers would trust you to guide them along in the narrative, the style of which is just right for the romance/pop culture target audience. Chris is a flawed and vulnerable character to whom you have given a strong voice, although I guess not all will warm to your 'stream-of-consciousness' presentation. Overall I liked this, and will back it.

Hi Abby,
This is an interestingly constructed book and well written - shelved

I only have one piece of advice. Sort out the messages you want each chapter to give your readers and try and find a strong hook to end on. For me, this story is most interesting in the middle of chapters and they end flat rather than hooking you into turning the page. If I was writing this I might rearrange them a little.

All the best with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

A super sparkling original book.
You have a unique style trhat
captivates... Congratulations and best of luck
mikey..............the Free

I read this! and I think it's really good! I loved the begining though I felt my concentration leaving me as I read on only to come back in the 2nd chapter...I liked your pitch and you obviously know where you're taking the story and it's got a nice feel to it, atleast I felt it.
~Good luck.
~Tab

You have an eye for details. Keep it up. But please do a bit more editing - the tenses, the missing words or letters etc. Not peculiar to you tho' for, even if one hundred people read a script, some mistake will still lurk and laugh somewhere. Good luck.

Bassey Ubong

When the Black Swan Sings

Hi Abby,

Interesting premise but I felt the pitch was a little too short, I wanted to know more before I plunged ahead. A focused first person POV drawing us quickly into an intriguing world. I don't know where you are up to in the drafting process but I am going to guess, fairly early days I would imagine because I noticed quite a few places where adjectives and adverbs could be trimmed. There is sometimes the deployment of a word that over-dramatizes and emotion or an idiom that is just a little too hackneyed or over-used. This happens to all of us in the first draft because we are just wanting to get the story out of our heads and down onto the page.

It does draw us quickly and efficiently and she is a sympathetic main character. I am not sure there was enough of a sense of the main conflict in this first section, but the beginning is spooky and intriguing. What exactly is happening to her? I will read on, you have whetted my appetite, I will also look at your other book and if I like that I will back that as well.

Welcome to this site, I hope you enjoy it as much as I have...best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Dear Abby,

The opening paragraph of your Prologue poses an almost imponderable question: what would it be like to return after death, perhaps disembodied, unnoticed, not in currency with society, yet conscious of the simplest things which take on a new sharpness and colour, '... what it is like to walk [again] through the living streets' and, to boot, 'a member of the living dead'.
One paragrasph in - and I want to read on.
In the first diary entry another thought provokes: 'old times are nice to go back to...' and I'm glad the narrator qualifies this with, '...sometimes'. But oh, nostalgia, the source and spirit of some of the most beautiful music, literature and painting.
The question you pose in your short pitch, ' What's more important: the memory of someone gone, or the future of someone living? ' is indeed a fascinating one and no doubt most of us - I, since I lost my dear father to cancer - are liable to feelings of guilt, whether these be justified or not.
The search for redemption or the salving of conscience in finding love and reciprocating it, can be a very powerful - because universal - theme.
Your prose quickly escorts me to Chris Bartlett's own dilemma and, as one who still lives in rural tranquillity, I identified with his trauma on being thrust by his parents into the maelstrom of the big city, Chicago with a feeling, 'of being different, cut off, and unwanted hangs over me like a dark cloud'.
And yet, even in revisiting, albeit as a member of the living dead, his fostered sister, Rose, we are reminded that he is no longer really a 'participant' in life but just a fly on the wall and 'a heart that hadn't beaten for years'.
As one who chased my tail with the imponderables of academic philosophy through three universities over 6 years, I find some of the questions you pose absolutely enthralling and your premise equally so.
My only concern for your approach here is that, a little like Lucretius, you have a slight tendency to pose so many profound questions, you will be too busy to answer the first. There is a danger the reader will be craving to find an answer to these questions and be distracted from the narrative.
Solution? Cut some of the philosophical questions, enthralling as they are, and keep your focus on immediacy, on stage, in real time.
Again, a fascinating premise, liquid prose, something to say!
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Haunting and beautifully observed.
Very promising!
Backed.

Dear Abby,

... what's more important, the memory of someone gone, or the future of someone living? ...
When the Black Swans Sing in a powerful evocation or loss. Impressive, in a haunting way.
I'd change your tags, they don't speak adequately for your story.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Good opener, clear and precisely written. Good at transcribing observation and capturing the natural elements. I should remove all that apologetic stuff as it could very well act as a deterrent from reading which would be a pity. This is very well devised and you are so-o diligent with perfecting and honing. I wish you well.

You really don't need the letter of apology in your profile Abby. Your writing is superb and the story flows well. I love the diary prologue.

Shelved with pleasure.

Bob

This is outstanding. I love how it reads--jumping from scene to scene...like you are carefully placing building blocks into their specific place and orientation, only to reveal something spectacular!

Shelved! Cannot wait to read more!
Joyce (jawdds)

There is so much depth to this very beautifully written book. Enjoyed and backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

When The Black Swan Sings

Hi Abby,

This is intense, beautiful, enthralling and captivating. The voice is soooo strong. And then you have an unfolding story, told through the claustrophobic voice and such a pitch perfect title too. Focused and poignant, emotional and demanding. It didn’t let me go and I am still thinking about it now – fantastic writing.

Should do well here
Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)