Magic and the Flame Collector

An interesting storyline. I'm not sure about your use of the first person narrative voice but this is a personal opinion. The dialogue is well written and I liked Mage as a character. Good luck. Katherine Strata.
.

Dear Tabatha,

I'm not a real advocate of first person narrative. Reading your book once again begged the question "what do I know?" Nicely done and backed.
Jim Coplin
Bite Mark

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Mage. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to convey her thoughts and feelings. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

You have something very important--a believable, sympathetic character with a voice that I wanted to listen to. From the start, I could imagine spending some time with Mage. I think that this voice is perfectly suited for YA, and the story idea is original. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Magic
It's easy to read
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

I could see this being tremendously popular among your target audience. The writing fits the subject matter well. My only critique is that the word "I" tends to dominate, which is common with first-person POV. If you can write around that, your narrative will only get better. But it's a great premise and pulled off well, so I'm happy to back this for you.
Craig
The Job

Bookstore read Ch1.
What a wonderful surprise to find such a gem of a manuscript.
I found it easy to read, read the whole chapter, didn't feel the need to browse or skip paragraphs.
I liked the characterization of Mage and the gentle introduction to her abilities and her history.

Brilliant stuff.

Mage is an interesting protagonist, and one that many of your target audience will relate to. She's an outsider, fumbling to control her powers as she verges on adulthood. Anybody who has felt isolated or awkward as a teen will see a little of themselves in her. In a way I think you sell yourself short when you reference Harry Potter and Twilight in your pitch. You have your own ideas and your own story - no need to lean on other authors.

This is a really nice story, well written and an easy read. I can see it doing well, the sort of book you cant put down. Best of luck and I for one back it.
SHELVED.

Regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest) I would be pleased if you could take a quick look.

This is excellent and has an excellent voice. You could tighten this up a bit and make it top notch with very little work. Email me if you want some help with it. I love where you are going with this. Perfect for the YA audience. You really got me from the get go with this one.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Well written with a style that is easy to follow. Seems to flow along nicely which encourages the reader to delve deeper and turn pages - backed
andy and vesna
When Spirits break Free

Dear Author
Your book inspires and threads a fine path. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of writing is unique and offers up a treat. It was indeed a pleasure to read it.
Backed
The Lord of the Dawn. Beyond 2012.

This has a quality that is rare, but so welcome when you find it, charm! The kids are delightful, the setting is beautiful and the plot has all the promise of scary stuff, but all your instincts tell you there will be a good ending.
The writing was smooth enough for me to be at chapter seven before I realised it and Mage had her Xmas present.
Great fun and most enjaoyable.

I really like this plotline. It reminds me of Beautiful Creatures, which is similar in its "magic," and it is a complex story to tell. You have told it quite well. You have a lightheartedness in your writing that I enjoy, and you really "take me there" with the tapestry of images you've woven. Very nice, original idea, it's sure to be a hit! Two thumbs way up!
Write on! :)
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

Dear Tabatha, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will also put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do moves your book & the other person's book closer to the top. :)

Dear Tabatha, I love, "I can do anything I put my mind to," - there is hope, like in my memoir. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book to help it advance - this will help yours & mine move up on the charts. :) Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do moves your book & the other person's book closer to the top. :)

Fun premise in a book for young readers, having powers we all wish we had to ward off the bullies.

A few too many sentences and paragraphs start with I.

Also the transition from school to the town of Summerville was a bit abrupt.

Good luck with it.

I have read the first several chapters and find this book amazing. I would definitely buy it!

Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

Not my genre at all, but the writing is accomplished and so I am happy to back this. Colin

Hi Tabatha ...

Sorry for taking so long to read your novel ... Trying to catch up after a bad few weeks of disabled internet.

I love your main character, Mage a very unusual name. She works well as a main character and appears to be growing stronger as the book progresses. What dialogue you do have, is about right and portrays well the loneliness of your central character. I have not noticed much of a plot developing and wondered if you might be better speeding it up a little or bringing some hints forward. I also wondered about the length of some chapters (2) your target audience might find them a little long.

I also noticed that like me, you have a tendency to over write. I have taken the liberty of re-writing some sentences, I hope you don't mind. In chapter 1: 'All that mattered to me was that he stopped'. I would write: 'All that mattered was he stopped'.
Also: 'I tried to walk away from him but he followed behind me and continued to tease me'. Try instead: 'I tried to walk away but he followed and continued to tease me'. And: 'I could feel warm tears streaming down my cheeks, and soon I felt the cool droplets of rain mingle with my tears as it started to drizzle'. This I would write: 'Tears streamed down my face to mingle with rain as it started to drizzle'.

Try and remove as many 'hads' and 'thats' as possible they are unnecessary and tend to slow the flow of the novel. Especially where 'had' comes before a word ending 'ed': 'I had decided' ... 'I had encountered'. The best advice I received was read a loud with 'had' or 'that' and again without.

The use of an ellipsis is: 'word ... word'. Note the two spaces and other punctuation: 'word ...? should never be used. Either use one or the other.

I apologise for my pickiness, but you have a very fine novel that requires a little polish. 'Backed'. All the Best. Regards ... Duncan.

This story is right up my street and most teenage girls streets too ... it's very 'of the time' and I really enjoyed the first chapter. I love your main character's name, Mage - it's very apt, and I will definitely be reading more of this! Good luck with it!

Tabatha, ok, I am not a big fan of first person narratives—however, as far as that style of writing goes, this flows well in the first chapter. You have a good story telling voice, and that makes this a compelling and pulls the reader along. Your character development of Mage is sound and makes her personable--someone the reader will be interested in getting to know. IN the second chapter you have more of the same kind of character developing (exposition,) but unless it was embedded subtly, I have not noticed a whole lot of plot development. By the end of the first chapter, or at least by the end of the second chapter, you need to have some plot structure, and/or rising action, to really get the reader involved in, and thus caring about your character’s story, and what ‘s going on with her. So try not to linger too long in your exposition—get down to some concrete plot structure quickly. You can improve you flow a little by adding some action, and/or character development in with your dialogue. Like I said this flows well, and you have a good voice so Ill back your manuscript based on the pitch and the first couple of chapters. I have not read enough to say more. If you have a specific chapter you need feedback on let me know, I will be happy to read them for you. Mine are 3, 18, and 21, any one of those would be great--but feedback on any chapter is welcome. Cheers, I enjoyed the read, and goodluck with your manuscript. Blue boy

read the first chapter, but will be back for more, backed

alison

My nieces are going to love this book. I enjoyed it and they will take a look at it this coming weekend. Excellent story so far.

Magic

This is good, liked how you developed your narrative. I would watch out for the over use of I in the dialogue.
You have a nice style for this genre and a very, very credible story – Good luck

A girl with special powers forced to fight an evil warlock. Could things get any better? I like the way that altho Mage has secret powers, you've also made her very human. Makes this a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Backed with pleasure! Joss E. Morris (A Bore No More)

Magic
Tabatha Vargo

This seems like an interesting story which should engage your YA audience - this teenage love story with a touch of magic. I think your narrator is someone your target audience will be able to identify with - "Technically, I don't know who I am or what I am, but I hope one day to find out." This sentence in your opening paragraph should gain your audience's trust from the outset as I think many teenagers and young adults feel that way - caught in between childhood and adulthood and searching for an identity as such. The writing is readable and seems very conversational which makes it flow in a natural way. Best of luck in finding a publisher Tabatha. I enjoyed what I read so far.
Zan

The dialogue is excellent, but more than that, the tone seems perfect for YA. Disaffection, magic, it has all the elements they love and is very well written. Backed. Lynn

Okay, I really like this - it's my game, my genre and I like your voice. But, if I'm honest, I don't like your first chapter one little bit. It's backstory info-dump. At first I thought it could be cut back, maybe starting at 'My best and only friend' but then I started reading Chapter Two and immediately thought, phew, this is where the story starts. It's just my opinion as a reader but I just feel it would be WAY stronger to find out all this wonderful weird info gradually - at the moment there is no surprise, we know the score.
Sorry, sorry - just had to say it. But do love the story and the characters; dialogue is pretty ace and you've got a great mix of action and description.
I'm happy to back.

I just finished - and I must say I enjoyed this story immensely. The ending was not quite what I would have envisioned as a happy ending... but who's to judge what happiness can be? Not sure why the epilogue was necessary, when nothing we didn't already know was introduced. I would like to hear more about her life since she's alone, than her determination to revive Adam - which was obvious from the closing scene.
Couple small errors - a few missing words, one or two words that were confused with similar ones - like waist was waste. Nothing a good proof reading couldn't fix.
One thing bothered me after it was mentioned in the story - if the poems she wrote were spells, how do we know Adam wasn't bewitched? She wrote spells about him nearly constantly in the beginning, and it seemed almost as though you were trying to say she might have unintentionally entranced him. The possibility seemed to linger out there, so perhaps a line could be added somewhere that it wasn't so.

A

This is a beautiful story - I want my high school age kids to read this! Graet dialogue and down to earth prose = this isi truly a winner! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

Great voice for Mage, coupled with an intriguing premise - good stuff!
Backed,
Simon (Phasmatis)

This is just plain fun. My thirteen year old daughter would love this. This is very popular genre for the YA at the moment. I wish you every sucess.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Mage is aptly named in relation to the Magus or sorcerer and the first person narration of Mage is not only conversational but also particularly accessible - as is the first glimpse of her personality - to the YA reader.
The incident of lobbing the piece of rock at the irritating schooboy, yet without Mage's touching the rock, first lets us know that we are squarely in the territory of the supernatural and we can anticipate more tension with further incidents - a good early hook.
Mage's not knowing her parents allows us to assume her parents might have been very far from ordinary, while increasing sympathy for the bereft Mage and allowing a seamless explanation of why Mage is living with her grandparents.
As the initial setting is within a school, there is another good reason why, from the beginning. YA readers are still more likely to imagine themselves in Mage's shoes. Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Your book has great depth & description and draws you in from the first paragraph. Nice flow to your writing, easy to follow & enjoy. I wish you the best of luck with it. Kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

Nicely drawn characters. Enjoyed the chapter. Backed.

Tabatha, I've looked at your first two chapters. Your first chapter is powerful. Nothing to nitpick in these two chapters. Good work.

Shelved!

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

MAGIC:

Tabatha,

This is like a breath of fresh air. So believable and natural, and a main character that you feel you want to hug.

The writing is taut and immediate, and felt as though it just came rolling off your pen with no effort at all.

I loved it, and I've backed it.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

Oh, my heart is breaking for poor little Mage...trying to protect others by living a life of quiet isolation.
I've only read the first few chapters, but I already know enough to know that I want to back this book.
I'm hoping to read more when I have more time.
Take care,
Kathy
The Real Poop

Tabatha,
I am impressed, teens will love this book. Chapter nine was brilliant and sweet, this story stays imprinted in your mind long after you read it. Fantastic book.

Best Wishes
Peony

This is really rather beautiful. I don't have time for a thorough read, but I read the first chapter and skipped in and out. The story really starts coming together in Chapter 7. I think Mage is finally coming to terms that she wasn't such a freak after all. Not my usual genre, I admit. But I think I could possibly go all the way with this. First chapter I wanted to take Mage home and hug her. Lovely.
Backed with pleasure.
Sue
A Boy Called George

Dear Tabatha Vargo,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I skipped to chapter seven to cover less-traveled ground and was rewarded by a shy girl struggling where to take her hand-holding romance with Adam. You build sympathy for her by making her have to eat Thanksgiving in the library and that she hasn’t had a Christmas tree in years. There’s something magical between her and Adam, and the sparks may start literally flying soon. You do a superb job of describing their mutual emotions. She’s pretty nonchalant about her weather-control powers. She also seems to share some spirit-perception abilities with her grandfather. I love the phrase “the outdoors had been painted white overnight.” Intriguing how her sadness brought a cold spell, and I wonder if her love would cause spontaneous combustion. Adam is sweet, his gifts and roses charming.

I prefer direct addresses in dialog to be offset by commas. For instance, “you are pure of heart Mage” would have a comma before “Mage.”

This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

I love this. The cover is stunning and easily catches the eye, I love the colours. The title is simple but effective and the pitch riveting. I love the opening parargraph where we find out that Mage doesn't really know who she is, what teenager does and that we find out that she is different. The rock scene is brilliant, When she was called a weirdo I couldn't thinking about how I usually like being called this as I can be very weird. My nephew once called me weird and was immediately told off by his mother, I suppressed the urge to say quietly to him 'it's alright, I am!". I loved the funny way you describe the rock incident and let us know that she possibly has telekenesis and that to the teachers it was a rocking flying off the ground and hitting his head moment. Brilliant and very promising. Backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

I like this. :) I read chapters 1 and 2 and even though some people would argue that you should save the back story for later in the book, I don't think that it hurts your story at all. It needs just a wee bit of tidying up, grammatically speaking, but other than that, you've woven a great story. Backed, happily.

I love this! I Love Azaleas too!

You certainly have a way with words that I'm sure is going to appeal to your target market.

Great work.

Melxx
(UNICORN)

Okay, after reading the first page, here's my thought- jump straight into the story and save the background stuff for later, after you've sucked the reader in. I think it is a really cute premise for a story, and I think Mage is a likable character, but I'm afraid that you might lose the interest of some readers. I hope my honesty doesn't come out the wrong way- I just always want my readers to be upfront and tell me what they really think, not what they think I want to hear.

Magic is a classic coming of age fantasy with lashings of witchcraft brewed up into a strong cocktail with romance. The style and idiom seems perfect for the YA target audience, and this should do very well with lovers of the fantasy genre. This is not my usual type of read, so I can't offer anything by way of critique, but the chatty first-person style and realistic natural dialogue convinces me that this is well worth backing. Good luck.

Just put you on my shelf. Sounds very cute! Best of luck to you, Tabatha! ~Andrea, MARIPOSA