Hart

Haley, it's a well-characterised thriller written with sheer ebullience.Impossible not to get carried away with it. Original,evocative setting - well, the whole thing's original.backed.Lynn

Woiw what a thriller. Ch 9 is dynamite.
Great characters, Superb story.
+Total action....A winner
Best luck with it....Mikey.....The Free

Hart starts in a unique location with a distinctive storyline, and your writing brings the place and the characters to life vividly. The narrative is well-paced and C1 drew me in easily and kept me turning the pages, helped by seeing things through Tiffany's eyes which kept me close to the action and emotions. Apart from some typos and layout issues [like starting new dialogue on a new line] that are easily fixed at the next edit, I have no nitpicks on this. Backed.

I love the cover and the pitch is excellent - even though it needs tidying up to repair a couple of formatting errors, the dropped line after "I" and again after "mean." It's a brave pitch too, but if a potential reader is turned off by the language, they'd be unlikely to read the book anyway.
There's work to be done here, you'll know that, but there's so much promise. For raw energy and vivid characterisation, your book takes some beating. I really enjoyed it, even in its raw state - and it does have rough edges at this stage - and would like to read all of it. Great pace, stacked with excitement, this is a real thriller.
On my shelf.
Jared. (Mummy's Boy).

Haley
Great concept! You know, there really should be more spirited female MCs. I confess, think I am falling for the adventurous Tiffany. This lady is spirited, tough and resourceful. Excellent scene painting as we drop into Tinka and experience the jungle etc. Tense moments throughout (snake, army, capture etc.etc.etc...), making this a rather addictive read. What a page turner!
Backed with pleasure
David
Green Ore

Hi Haley

Great pitch, snappy writing, exotic location and a smart, tough, sympathetic heroine. Backed (you'll see it in the next few days).

Nicole
Chosen

"Why should we care honey?" Comma after 'care.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases of this type of problem. Other than that, this is an engrossing thriller. Thought provoking plot. Very believable characters and vivid scenes. Convincing dialogue. Cinematic description. Confident writing. Backed.

reminds me of something Angelina Jolie would make a movie out of, very taut, layered with good characters. as an antiheroine, it makes her more appealing as she is just doing what the rest of us do, surviving.

I really like the cover, and the writing's not bad either :D

This promises to be an exciting read - good stuff!

Haley

This is a great setting and one that I was instantly pulled into. I read to chapter 5 and took nitpick notes as I went. Overall I liked your characters and the theme sounds interesting and (importantly) different. By chapter 5 I still wasn't sensing any tension or challenge and if anything I'd encourage you to get to this a little earlier (but then that's the problem with reading so little).

Chapter 1
at the end of the sentence starting “When the truck stopped...” - delete “..of the truck.”

“…walked over to and hugged me” – delete “to”

“…to stay in during our visit” – delete “during our visit”

“…start the car at all any time soon” – seems a contradiction. Can you never start it (at all) or not quickly (any time soon)?

Chapter 2
First line – I don’t think the bit in parenthesis works. Also in what way is it sensible?

Watch out for the adjectives e.g. silently, quickly. The advice is to try and find a better verb rather than use these weaker descriptors.

“I heard Charlie asking Tyron if he’d…” – this is an example of where you tell us you heard (or see) something – there’s no need because it’s first person. “Charlie asked Tyron…” will suffice.

You are annoyed no one is up and later about the snake. These are examples of telling rather than showing the reader your emotion.

In this chapter I noticed a lot of the early sentences started with “I” – you might want to break this up and not start with a pronoun.


Chapter 3

Started to notice in many places you us “,-” before speech. I’ve never seen this before. I’d drop the dash.

The sentence starting “Tyron Phelps, I had hired on…” – didn’t flow well for me.

“Charlie threw his back out.” I had the image of Charlie throwing his back somehow. Consider rephrasing this.

When the soldiers come out of the forest, describe them better than military attire – the green is unusual and the ones I saw in the provinces (last year) were a rag bag bunch. Some with hats some without and sometimes in non-matching trousers!

“Looked at me and stepped up to me… - avoid the repetition of me.

Typo: “…and confidant voice were…” should be “confident”

End of Chapter 4 – I’ve been advised to avoid saying people “turned around”.

Chapter 5

“2 hours” – the convention is to use words rather than numbers up to ten. So: “two hours”

Typo: “Build in a large square…” should be “Built”

“…with the grey colors..” – I found this description weak. If there are colors, describe them. If it’s grey, then it’s just grey.

“and I felt the headache I had begin to grow stronger” – consider “and my headache grew stronger” – or even better something that “shows” it like: “and the pulse in my head ached more.”

I hope thes notes are useful and don't put you off. My work is far from perfect!!! One thing you might think about is chapter endings. Modern thrillers tend to hook the reader (I know it can be corny) whereas I felt yours were fine and concluded, but didn't make me want to turn the page. And (one thing I always say) is never end with your character going to sleep - it's liek telling your reader to put the book down and switch off the light.

Best wishes
Murray (Suspicion)

Its easy to settle into this quickly with the setting and the sense of adventure. Good scene building, character development and tense action.

This is a great first chapter. I'm reading from work... don't tell... and I have to leave soon so I'll have to come back and read more later. But I love it. You have a great style and I love your descriptions of China.

Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Good writing and a different plot - different from the average. I hope this suceeds! Jayne

Excellent pace, premise and voice. Tiffany is a fantastic character I suspect the reader won't mind spending a novel with! One quick suggestion, if you get a chance, is to fix up your dialogue punctuation. It will help your writing look more professional when it comes time to query. Here is a link to help you out:
http://www.rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=14
Thanks for checking out my book and it was a pleasure to read yours as well!
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

A good thrilling read Tiffany as a Mc is strong and out of control I have only read two chapters but I know this is going to develop into a really good read. Your visualization is excellent as is your sharp dialogue.

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can spare a moment to take a look

Backed Hart. The snake and the car scene is scary! Just this year my brother discovered that he’d been riding several hours with a copperhead! Did you mean “road” instead of “rode” in Ch 1? Good luck with your book!
CC Brown
Dark Side

I'd backed this earlier after a short read and I've returned and pushed on....so where's the rest of it? You can't get someone to this point and not have more. Let me know when you're uploading more chapters. Anthony (not the one crazy in your book!)

Hart - Good energy and promise. The writing is good, but your handling of dialogue is strange to me. For instance [ 'So which way is the track and where's the car?' I asked and they all looked at me. Why not delete the 'I asked and they' and replace with 'Everyone' making the I asked understood. And another example: 'All right, your right.' I said and sighed. - Delete the 'said and', also unnecessary. ] There are many instances of this sort of thing throughout your dialogue that slow down the reading process and should be a top priority for a fix on your next edit. On my shelf tomorrow for promise.

G
Einstein's Road Trip [I would like to see your take on Einstein when your time allows. Thanks.]

Ms Brite, your first chapter is a smooth read. Nothing to nitpick in this well-written section.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Hi Haley, The setting was a nice surprise since the synopsis didn't mention that of the outset. And when they got to the Chinese village, the people interaction filled out the scene. The beginning intrigued although I had to keep track of the names since the other passengers weren't described . It's so intriguing that the group is there for the car exhibition and that Tiffany is going to drive! I sank right into this and liked the narrator voice. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Interesting premise and could do well but requires editing and polishing.

This doesn't let up one tiny bit! You've set a great pace and it continues through the following chapters. I love Tiffany, she is a real kick ass character, you did a great job with her! I think it's great that you have given us something completely different with this, not just Tiffany but the entire premise is well thougth out and executed. And the writing is top notch too. There wasn't anything about the first four chapters I didn't like. So vivid and so good! Thanks for something completely fresh and new.

Missy

The line in the pitch caught me, "my life used to be about one thing, and one thing only. RALLY." I wold never have expected that word. Clever.

You have a great beginning going here. Steadily paced, sedate almost, but rhthmic and it pulls at the reader to continue on. That description of the sweaty, humid car is actually a little claustrophobic and I think it ins excellent skill to evoke a feeling so dire in a reader.

The realtionships are exactly what you would expect between people of similar needs for speed and your MC is actually very interesting for someone expressed as so unilinear. Excellent skills by the author.

BACKED

Straight in with great confidence and mass appeal, your writing is easy and carries us all along effortlessly.

backed

best wishes

Richard

Absolutely love this - my kind of read! b Backed 100%!!


Liz
The Cheech Room

Only had time to read the pitch and your bio, but liked what I saw, so backed Hart. Will read more tomorrow.

The storyline is excellent because of the descriptions that convey a sense of action. Well done. A suggestion is to include a prologue; bold italics is a great attention-getter. The prologue might contain a brief description of the appearances of the characters. A prologue might draw readers quicker into the plot because they can gain a sense of the storyline's direction. The "dusty road toward Tinka" set this reader in search of humor by the use of "Tinka" -- reminded me of a toy building set named "Tinker Toys." If the name is real, well obviously it's appropriate to the work. Another suggestion is to change "Tinka" to something else. Backed with pleasure. Chuck (Literary Agent Blues) (Uboat Officer)

Hi ! At last got round to the read swap having been swamped.
Exciting read. Carried away by Tiffany's enthusism, crazy almost manic character. Personalties draw brilliantly. Action in every sentence making it impossible not to want to read on (which I will do) Like the personality of the jungle, 'At one point I was sure the jungle was fighting back.' And the snake adds a wonderful suspense giving us the clue we are going to have much more of that. Backing with pleasure!
Christina
From Under the Bed

Hi ! At last got round to the read swap having been swamped.
Exciting read. Carried away by Tiffany's enthusism, crazy almost manic character. Personalties draw brilliantly. Action in every sentence making it impossible not to want to read on (which I will do) Like the personality of the jungle, 'At one point I was sure the jungle was fighting back.' And the snake adds a wonderful suspense giving us the clue we are going to have much more of that. Backing with pleasure!
Christina
From Under the Bed

I like the self-knowledge in this MC. A very readable beginning.
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Dear Haley,
I've not read your novel as yet, but I was so hooked by your synopsis, it seemed senseless not to back it. Had I read this cover in a bookstore, I'd have no hesitation in buying your book. As an author you've achieved a major leap, you've hooked someone from your pitch alone.
I'm backing this and looking forward to reading it. I will return with further comments once I've read your amazing story.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

Haley,
Hart has intricate descriptions and is filled with suspense. It's a gripping thriller with a great pitch. Backed.

Now this is how to create character – Brilliant.
Not only that you have a great storyline that evokes tension in the reader. I think this is a fantastic could read books like this all day and every day. – Good luck

Tiffany is a great character, total kick-ass and clever.. I like the premise too, set in Rally world.. the action kicks off in chapter 1 and the following chapters continue the rollercoaster (or should I say race car) pace.. best wishes - Backed !
Diane
Good Blood

Your work is very fine and has enormous potential. It is different from the others i have seen here and certainly sticks out as a page turner and one that stucks up much interest. The plot is intriguing what with a white rebl on the loose and your descriptions of the village are good.
DO NOT use four letter words in a pitch, the editors will frown. Four letter words are allowed in special circumstances only and in your text. You need an edit sweep as some verbs and nouns clash eg I smiled as we meet--- I smile as we meet -- Also /stick to the rode C ( road???)

backed because i really like this.

HART
This is a good story. Tiffeny is a good character; spunky and likable. The mark of this, tho, is your fast paced writing style. It really held my interest as the group struggled to get through the jungle and then rescue the mini. Makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Haley, I love that I don't have any of these problems - I have enough of my one - my memoir, I'll name below. Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Fantastic, a fast-paced, gritty action that's brought to life with such flair that I was left breathless. A winner of a page-turner here, and everything seems spot on.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

REd hot! Haley is like some demented Penelope Pitstop on heat. Great work.

On my watchlist for further reading and some constructive criticism.

Tim H
Hellbound

Few other bugs , but not to worry I'm sure you'll find them - thanks , I like your book , Good Luck!

SHE PADDED SWEAT OF HER FOREHEAD should be = off her forehead - R

15 TH LINE - WE MADE THE BEST IT ( SOULD BE WE MADE THE BEST OF IT) - OK - CH 2

YOUR WORK IS WELL WRITTEN AND i enjoyed what i read . I will read more ,Ipromise right now - ok!

Nice work Haley. I love your pitch, a bit naughty but very intriquing. And that intrigue spills right into C-1 and beyond. The writing is clear and fluent. It is a pleasure to easily read through something rather than slug my way through. I'd love to read more had I the time. Backed.
Thomas J Winton
(Beyond Nostalgia)

Hi Haley, a good start here. I like the fact that Tiffany is the driver, shes a strong female character. You have collected a nice group of colourful characters together who are already gelling together nicely on the page. I felt as though they were close almost like a family and the dialogue bounced off the page, the banter was good and I can imagine a lot of fun will happen with these characters. I like the added interest of Swift, I imagine a possible love interest? And the newspaper story was another interesting angle. I think this is a strong start and it sets up for an exciting story. On my shelf. helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Haley,

Your story line is intriguing. Do you think we can swap?

Loretta, South Florida Writer
(Forever & Never)

Fabulously original with a hard core female MC the likes of which we haven't seen since La Femme Nakita. This screams screenplay. I've never said this before, but I think you might consider a prologue--that of a wild, live or die race. I think it would set up the rest of the adventure well, and get us into your MC quickly. Well done.
Ruth (Amsterdam 2012)

Hi Haley
Great action and Tiffany is excellent - shelved

I read through till the end of #7. I thought the snake scene in #2 was excellent and the way you kept the story moving. I didn't spot anything to help you with, so you'll have to settle for my support

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Haley, this would make an awesome film. Your book had a documentary feel, like a true story. You've created a rich, unpredictable world. Backed after reading chapter 1 and 2. Will read on...

I decided to read your ending. I started with chapter 9 - great eye popping action. And then chapter 10 - nice tension/release. Both times I felt Tiffany's frustration and shock. You used tone of voice to communicate some emotion (whispering, yelling) and I found that interesting. I backtracked to chapter 8 - lovely scene setting and you can feel the tension building for the dramatic moment in 9 - great page turner on all fronts. Good luck with this one.

Intriguing concept that is backed by some very good writing. I love the pace of this and the characters. The MC is very strong and multi-layered. backed

Hi there - intriguing set-up; your narrator was very firmly built up before I even read the chapter thanks to the blurb. I liked the way you set up the peripheral characters through her eyes. The speed record attempt is a great way into the story, but I did feel it needed a tiny bit more grounding in your story - who is Tiffany? Is she a thrill-seeker? Is she involved in any way in the revolutionary/terrorism angle you hint at? It does make me want to read on. Tiff's a great character and I'd look forward to seeing her in action.

All the best

Pat Black
Snarl

This is great Haley!
Very unusual for a woman to write about racing cars (although my daughter always wanted to be a rally driver) You had me shouting, slam the door! when the snake wanted to play. The only suggestion I have, is this...

There are times when this reads like a true story, especially in the first few chapters, where you are telling us where you are going and how you are getting there, as if you'd been through all this before. It's not a bad thing and it didn't spoil the read, but it's fiction and I think a little bit of work on the actual scene setting.
I enjoyed this - shall place it on my shelf forthwith.
Best wishes
Sue

Good use of well-paced prose, evocative description and genre-driven dialogue.
In all, i can see Hart to unfold into something a notch above the rest.
Nice work

BACKED

Hi, Haley. Well, it's a nice change to read a female MC with balls (so to speak...haha). Romance stories are fine but there's more to women than a never-ending search for Mr. Right.
You have quite a bit going on here. I read a few chapter and skimmed into the middle. Your writing is really nice, flowing style, easy to read and you develop the story and character very well. Pitch is short but effective - it got me to read the book. I think this will do well her. definitely backed.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley