Carpe Diem
Ian Boon
©
Dedicated mostly & affectionately to the loving memory of Alec, Duncan and Bishop, but also for everybody else.
“It is only in our dreams that man is truly free, it was always thus and always thus will be”
1.
It was around 3 when I went to meet Pete. The smell of traffic had just hit me and it felt like I’d been shoved in the maintenance end of a bus garage.
I’d not long got back from a month in France, a kind of working holiday for my neighbour. You know the type. A crazy Englishman buys a pile of bricks in the middle of nearly nowhere.
It was alright though turned out not bad & I even managed to make a few contacts.
Still I was back in England again & reality was on its way for a long over due clock in.
Things were going well, well kind of anyhow. Considering that before I left I had managed to build up an almost serious coke habit and an almost as serious overdraft.
However it was manageable & I’d been clean now for nearly 2 months.
I was walking towards the market café when I saw Pete get out of his car gesturing to me as he closed and locked the door behind him.
“Alright mate, ouse it going”
He put forward his hand and we shook hands gripping tightly & swinging our elbows back and forth in a sawing motion. The handshake looked so sincere that we could have been freemasons confirming our status.
“Yeah not bad…you”?
“Yeah cool, d’you get anyfing sorted”
“Well I got one, I just gotta give Dean a bell for the other”
“Wot times it startin tonight”?
“Bout 11, said I’d meet Rebecca at 9, thought we could get a couple of drinks in before we leave”
Pete then burst out into a not very convincing rendition of The Stone’s ‘Under my thumb’.
“Ole give it a rest will ya…I aint under any body’s thumb”
“Is that right then ow come your not telling er about the ‘dark side’”.
He chuckled at the ending emphasising dark side like he was Obi wan & I was young Luke. He had of course meant why had I still not told her that I did drugs. She knew I smoked spliffs but she didn’t know the rest. She was a well-educated girl & I knew it would shock her & all that kind of stuff and mean the end of us if I told her.
I mean I knew she smoked herself occasionally & maybe even did a bit of speed once when she was ‘younger’ but I think if I were to of mentioned the word cocaine or crack I’d probably never hear the end of an almost convincingly well rehearsed speech informing me about the dangers of drug misuse.
So for now at least I figured it best not to tell her. She’d never know, never find out & we’d still be going out, having a good time and everyone would be happy.
“I told ya ta leave it out, just don’t say anyfing stupid, you don’t have to be so obvious I mean you wouldn’t tell your old dear or do one up in front of your fucking Nan would ya…and anyhow as if you can talk you’re the one wi the fuckin smack habit”
“Alright alright calm down keep ya hair on, moody… I was only havin a laugh, you been letting that French air get to you or what”
“Just give it a fucking rest”
Maybe I was a little hard on him but fuck it he’d started to piss me off a bit since he’d been on the brown. He wasn’t jackin it up yet but he was smoking more than enough for it to be called a habit even though it was all almost some kind of “I’ve got to prove something to everybody” game to him.
Anyhow I couldn’t talk maybe I was even playing my own game but instead of smoking heroin I was snorting coke. Well was before I left and probably about to tonight, difference was I never stole anything to get it. Sure I blagged a little here and there and did favours for people here and there but then so was everybody else and it just didn’t quite seem so harsh compared to the realities of the burnt spoon & needle littered alleys.
Also I knew Pete on more than one occasion had gone out ‘on the earn’ to feed his addiction and getting nicked for stuff didn’t appeal to me too much either.
I didn’t know what he did or want to but had a pretty good idea that he’d be stealing cars, stealing stereos blagging off his oblivious parents & probably doing a bit of shoplifting to top it off.
Still we were mates and he hadn’t tried to rip me off yet; he’d still only managed at that stage to piss me off.
We left it at that and carried on into the market café.
It was a strange kind of place & had almost a cult sub culture following. Every night it would fill to bursting with Kev’s & Trev’s with their Sharon’s & Jane’s looking like they were on their way back from a handbag convention. Or on a pit stop before they went to one at the Casino nightclub just down the road. Where if you wanted to I’m sure could get into “drink as much you like” drunken fights with bouncers and other Kev’s all for under a tenner.
All sorts of deals, unarranged meetings, arranged & unexplained beatings went on in the place you almost grew to love it.
It was fairly small and if you just sat & listened you could earwig on all the fragments of conversation going on around you. ‘But the fing is right owl could he be such a cunt, I mean wot have I ever done to deserve that’ or ‘ So how many d’ya want’ would be the all too familiar cry’s from the lost souls of the lost generation sitting in the lost market café.
We sat down & waited for Heather to come over and take our order. We didn’t really know her, didn’t necessarily want to either but in a place like the market café it didn’t take much to be friendly. Besides where else was there to go where you could stay all night smoking roll ups, drinking crap tea and eating almost watchdog worthy but easily edible food on your way back from the pub or a manic sessions at some strangers house. With only the final loyal few left all sitting, talking and laughing huddled in the safety & familiarity of each other’s cained company.
“Afternoon gents”
“Alright Heather...you”? We asked simultaneously.
“Alright” She said with a nod of her head, pushing her glasses back into place and taking the pencil from behind her ear.
“wot you avin then” she said looking at me.
“Can I ave a tea please”
“En worra bout you” She said turning to Pete.
“ I’ll ave a coffee”
“You want any fing ta eat wi that”
“Yeah can I have a cheese and tomato toasty please” I said finishing the touches to a perfectly rolled cigarette.
“Course you can my love” She said like she was my Nan or one of those aunties you seem to have millions of as a kid but then suddenly loose upon becoming a teenager.
“Can I get ya anyfing else”?
“Nah that’s it fhanks” and I lit my cigarette already wishing that we’d gone to the pub instead.
“An I’ll have a bacon one please”
“Sthat all” Heather asked as she began chewing the end of her pencil.
“Yeah nice one” I replied taking a pull of my roll up and tapping the ash off into the ashtray.
“Be about 5 minuets alright”
“Cheers”
I took a long drag and held the smoke down for ages like I was smoking crack or it was going to save my life.
I was sitting there staring blankly in an almost self-induced daydream, just thinking things over, you know the kind of stuff, what you know, where you’re from, where you’re going, all that you’ve experienced, people you know & lovers you’ve had, things you want & think you need to make your self-happy, what you might be doing this time next year and what would or could’ve happened if you’d only turned left instead of right, when without warning or invitation the name Gemma Ash popped into my thought process bringing with it guilt, worry, shame & all the other head fucks that usually came with them.
The roll up that until then was sitting quite comfortably & happily in my mouth fell out onto the table and I ended up nearly burning my lip as I put it back in the wrong way round.
“FUCK” I said almost a bit too loudly.
“Jesus, you alright mate”? Pete asked not going too over top on the sincerity of it.
“Yeah yeah yeah man” I said wiping my lip of ash & looking round to see if I could see any sign of Heather and our drinks so I could get the taste of ashtray out of my mouth.
“I put me fucking fag in me mouth the wrong way round”
Pete let out a puff of air as a lame attempt to laugh.
“I was just thinking about Gemma”
“Yeah how is she man have you seen her”?
I hesitated back in thought, thinking about her and the not so enjoyable life that she had so far been living. Relatively speaking I and everybody else I knew was alright. For sure I had my problems but then who hasn’t, I mean is there anybody that you know or that they in turn know that hasn’t got a problem, dilemma, family moodiness or work related stress giving them weeklong morning blues of 1 kind or another. At least I had a voice and a choice however small, silent or otherwise constricting they might have been, I still had them.
Gemma however was 14 with no voice no choice and no bloody anything.
She’d been in out of trouble with the old bill since the age of 10. Her mother was a speed freak come piss head who didn’t care and if that wasn’t enough she was now a smack head who spent her nights outside the kebab shop on Dale street trying to earn enough for a hit.
At that point in my life I felt it was my fault she was an addict. I know I never pushed anything on her, but still always let her do whatever Pete or I had. Whether it was a bit of smoke or some e’s I figured she was going to be doing it anyhow and thought at least I wouldn’t be trying to get in her knickers afterwards.
So whenever I had something I would share it with her, without realising that she wouldn’t stop till there was nothing left. Willingly let her do as much of whatever was on offer until in the end she couldn’t go a day without getting stoned one way or another.
I mean it wasn’t really my fault; she was almost destined to go down that road anyhow. She didn’t have anything else. No friends, apart from maybe me and Pete, just blaggers, people waiting to take advantage of her and rip her off should she let her tiny guard down for even just a second, she didn’t go to school, (I think she could just about read) which also helped the fact she knew hardly anyone savoury of her own age and her father had died in a bike accident come drug overdose when she was only 5.
By doing drugs and getting out of her head, like a lot of other people do when they get high she felt alive, she felt important, she felt immortal, but most of all, nothing mattered & at least if only for a short while she felt no pain.
I know I wasn’t but I almost felt like a kind of brother to her. I wanted to be there for her when no one else was. I didn’t fancy her, Christ she was only a little bit older than my younger sister, but I knew what it was like to be on your own and without anyone to turn to.
I hadn’t seen her since before I went to France when I had left her with Pete after having an argument with them about doing smack. (More Pete really as I blamed him for getting Gemma started on it and he’d said it was the same as giving her gear or e’s)
It had played on my mind since but after all I was only 20 and could just about take care of myself let alone take on the social problems of a London suburb. What else could I do but get on with my own life, was I supposed to take in every under aged smack and crack head this side of Newcross or open my house up as a Wednesday drop in centre for deprived families?
No… & I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
However much I didn’t like it, however much I cared, however much I wanted to do, all I could do perhaps maybe selfishly but realistically was to try and forget the whole episode and get on with my own life.
“Nah man not since that night” I looked down at my tea, which Heather had since served and took a mouthful.
“You know she’s hanging up outside the kebab on Dale st”? Pete asked almost happily as if it was just another bit of ‘smegway’ gossip.
“Yeah you told me already, now do you mind if we change the subject please, I just got back from a nice few chilled weeks and I really cant be bothered with another argument, you know what I think so just leave it out” I took another swig of tea and arranged the space around me ready for my food.
“Wot about you man your parents still know you’re on the brown,” I asked turning the headfuck back around.
“Well my mum does, but me old mans still away. They reckon they’re gonna put me in some rehab place when he gets back”
I laughed to myself this was another one of those things that annoyed me about him, he knew that he would always have mummy & daddy to fall back on should things become a little too hairy or a little too close to the wrong side of the edge. It was almost as if he were an actor & heroin, stealing & lying were his props and makeup.
Then like all great actors he would put away his props, take off his makeup & become the person he really was. Pete Williams 18 years old and a virgin at the university of life had had his arse wiped before he even had one to wipe. All he had was a degree in deception & without his props or makeup he was a mummy’s and daddy’s boy; they would look after him and he would never have to want for anything.
He’d wake up blagg some money off them saying he needed it for petrol or clothes. It never really mattered what he said since they always believed him. He didn’t have to go out & rob & he didn’t have to spend nights out on the street huddled in some shop front or give blow jobs in the public toilets and he didn’t have to suffer under the grip of some wannabe gangster come addict, dealer turned pimp.
It was all a bit of a fashion statement for him, cushy parents in their cushy little house with his dads cushy little company paying for his education & numerous little buss mans holidays around the world.
It was fun, exciting & dangerous to rebel and after returning from Hong Kong with his dad once, a so called business trip. He couldn’t wait to tell those he hadn’t phoned & told already while he was out there that he had something bad to tell them and that he was a heroin addict.
“Nice one man” I think I was more than slightly sarcastic but how else could you reply to so much dribble.
“Food’s up”. Heather half grumbled as she placed 2 greasy looking plates in front of us.
We both dived straight into our food and other than the sound of traffic outside and the sound of clinking cutlery inside we ate in silence.
I was running out of patience & the ability to say nice things and if I hadn’t before I knew that I was now more than ever beginning to despise Pete and all that he stood for.
I’d always known that he was a bit of a rich kid wannabe & that at anytime he wanted or needed he could cry for help to his parents and be rescued by their safety net. I didn’t have that luxury or pleasure and neither did Gemma.
I had to face up to what was happening, to choose which direction to take and learn to find my own way.
I didn’t have the map he had. The one where at 14 you get kicked out of boarding school for smoking dope. At 15 you try acid, then when your 16 you pass all your GCSE’s and smoke a bit more blow, at 17 get bought your first car “A present from daddy for doing so well in your exams”, at 18 heroin user but it’s ok, it’s your gap year, your year out, in a few years time you’ll be a respectable salesman, banker or something & then at fifty you can go into early retirement and remember what you were like when you were young.
“You ever smoked those things, you know…that stuff that the kids smoke…what’s it called…happy backy…wacky backy”? A question at your and your new wives first dinner party.
“Well I did try it at university once but I didn’t like it”.
Bollocks it was just either that or your parents allowance cheque.
No, that wasn’t going to happen to me. I didn’t have a map, didn’t need one & didn’t want one; I intended to just let things ride.
While every body else was happy sitting there watching the wheels go round & round, I wanted to be on the merry go round and have the time of my life.
2.
“Helllooo”. It was Pete’s mum.
“Hello is Pete there please” I asked putting on my most articulated voice.
“Oh it’s you, I’ll just call him…Peter…It’s for you”
I heard Pete in the background yell “Coming”.
“And how are you”(I hope you’ve been staying out of trouble) Asked Pete’s mum wasting no time with her probing small talk.
“I’m doing very well thank you, and you”(Well I’ve had a couple of beers & a spliff, and you)
“Fine thank you just doing a bit of a cake baking…oh hang on here’s Pete I’ll pass you over, bye”
“Bye” I said glad to get the whole façade of a conversation over with.
“Hello” He sounded like I just got him up.
“Pete, its me”
“Alright mate, how’s it going”?
“Yeah not bad is it alright to pop round in a bit”
“Sure”
“Alright, cool, I’ll see you in a bit”
“Cool”
“Laters man”
“Laters”
I put the phone down, took a swig of beer & peered outside.
It was about 7 o’clock & I’d only just finished work, but the sun was still shining and the sky was still the clearest of blue.
The summer had so far been blessed everyday with a blazing sun & rich blue sky, and it seemed at least as if it would never go away & last forever.
There was a breeze and a smell that you could only call summer in the air & it reminded me of being a kid, the days were long, long like they were when you were a kid & there was a scent & sense of innocence in the air that was also almost comparable to be a kid.
Me & Pete were the bestis of best mates & together felt like we were ready to take on the world and all it had to throw at us.
We often just used to go for a drive in his car “The bat mobile” to Weaver farm lane. A dark tree infested country lane. Where we wouldn’t have the worry of his parents bursting in on us rolling a joint.
Other than the odd lost dog walker, couples in cars looking for a place to shag behind their other partners back & the weekend cycling enthusiasts it was a quiet place to go & have a smoke.
We’d park up & with the sunroof open & the radio or a tape playing, quite contently just sit there, chatting, rolling joints and smoking bongs.
We had met each other round some friend or another’s house a few months ago. He’d wanted to buy some weed & I had some. I wasn’t really a dealer and only really sorted out a few mates to make a smoke for myself.
Since then though we had hung out nearly all the time. We would do anything to help each other out & when one of us didn’t have any gear the other usually did.
It was as if we had both entered a new stage in our lives that was almost a regression back to child hood.
We approached nearly everything with an innocence I for one hadn’t experienced since I was a child. We didn’t care & were up for anything, getting stoned going to party’s, doing drugs seemingly & shagging randomly (not each other) we lapped up every new experience we came across. All of which of course as well as being new, it was very much exciting, it had the unknown element, it was dangerous and it was fun.
You know how you have a best mate when you’re 5, well it was like that. When you could go round the back of a sofa & be safe in your base or have all powers immortal like your hero’s from books and cartoons. How a grasshopper would seem huge & alien like and how nothing feared you because you knew no fear.
I hit play on the remote and began to roll one up for the road, a tradition that before I went anywhere I’d put on a favourite tune and roll a joint, almost I guess the equivalent to knocking back a short before you drink your pint. If I didn’t have any gear then I’d just play a tune. Kind of getting me in the mood for going out and wishing to discover what was about.
The way that it can erupt emotions & how when you don’t know what your feeling it doesn’t matter because it’s all right there, in the song, in the bass, in the beat and in the melody. You could be feeling you’re worst or entirely unmotivated and all you’d really have to do was put a tune on, sit back, relax and let the music effectively soothingly solve what ever you were dwelling on at the time.
I think music could have even invented love and all the other emotions that we tag with meaningless names. Well what about the ones that we cant quite seem to be able to put names to, the feeling you get when your spine tingles, the feeling that so many of us have and try to pass of as love. They’re all there along with love, hate and all the others, waiting to burst out from your speakers as soon as you’ve placed the needle upon the record, hit play on your stereo, pushed the button on your walkman, either that or from a pissed & amphetamine induced crowd jamming the night away with guitars and tablas.
“I don’t have to sell my soul, it’s already in me…I don’t have to sell my soul, it’s already in me…I wanna be adored”
I sang along & when I had finished my joint rolling, I stood up with it lit in my mouth and took a drag.
I looked in the mirror, all around me and to the audience beyond. I was now on stage and lead singer in one of the best bands since the Beatles.
I stood straight, one arm behind my back the other one hung loose at the side holding my joint and my head pouted forwards singing into the invisible microphone.
“I don’t need to sell my soul it’s already in me…I wanna be adored…you adore me…I wanna, I wanna, I wanna be adored, I wanna, I wanna, I gotta be adored…I wanna be adored…….”
I took one last look around to check I had everything, keys, rizla, tobacco & gear, ha, what else did I need. I flicked my ash in the now empty beer bottle, turned off the stereo and went to meet Pete.
As I made my way down the road towards the high street I thought about my 20th birthday that was approaching.
I planned to get absolutely shit faced; Pete & I had talked about going halves on some coke.
There was a party being planned by Dean Slater, dj extraordinaire, me and another mate, Martin ‘Mushroom’ Taylor or magic mushroom Martin if you preferred.
Named after the fact that he had a secretly stashed supply of magic mushrooms that he’d had hidden for nearly 3 years. He was waiting for a super special occasion, like the approaching millennium celebrations where he would produce them and share them out to his friends. In the meantime though he was happy to just talk about them.
They were both a little older than me, Dean, a veteran & casualty no doubt from the 89 scene. It was rumoured he’d started to mix before he could talk but I think that was a story concocted almost imaginatively by a combination of his ego and Kestrel tavern/Market café folklore.
Martin, a family man with 4 kids & a garden that with it’s rabbits, hares, polecats, guinea pigs, chickens and (when it wasn’t raining or they could be bothered) cats, resembled a zoo.
I’d known Martin for a few years now & he was a sound n honest bloke.
It was him in fact who had introduced me to Dean & whether it was his never ending list of people he knew that at a dial of a number could sort you out anything from fishing boats to coke or Deans promises of fame & fortune and as much use of his studio as I could stand. I somehow though I admit very easily, had been convinced to help put on a party and hopefully it would fall on my birthday.
Between us and a few other cronies Dean knew; we were trying to arrange it so we could do them every month or maybe even every week.
I didn’t really have much to do with it but I was there when it mattered and helped to think of the name.
To be honest I was probably seen as more of a hanger on but I was still armed with a few contacts of my own, names that I could drop to get attention of conversation if need be.
Every body liked to know somebody and those that didn’t liked to be related to them.
Also Dean knew that I had a few hundred quid to put up if needed, into flyers, promotion or even for a white label collaboration.
I played guitar & liked how you could take a simple chord or rift and then turn it into something totally unrecognisable.
So I would come up with little ideas then Dean & Martin would help produce them. We had about 6 solid tunes and every body that heard them loved them.
For now though they would stay on a shelf somewhere in the studio with all the other tunes Dean had done himself or with other people.
All the failed attempts & half songs up there with them, a treasure trove of jingles, bleeps & beats, haunting vocals and synthed strings.
Still, I could afford to wait & believed a big break was to be just around the corner.
Little did I know that Dean was a cokehead and like all coke users, he chatted shit.
At the time though I was inspired by him and aspired to be like him. I wanted to know everybody, be & go everywhere, get cained & try everything and I wanted a career in music.
I thought Dean was my ticket to all of this and more.
How wrong I would turn out to be.
As I reached the high street, the cathedral chimed 7:30. It made me jump in my stoned and half drunk state.
I passed Bob the busker & his ever faithful dog Emily who never left his side.
I gave him the last bit of my joint as I didn’t believe in ever giving him money.
He lived on a boat down by the river. It was almost sinking, yet the guy had more money than me & nearly everybody I knew put together.
He had long scraggy thick hair & a beard to match; he wore fingerless gloves so he could still play. I say play but he couldn’t really, it was more of a loud strum hiding the fact he couldn’t sing too well either. He managed to do alright though, turning the Casino and City wall goers on with various renditions of wonder wall and hand me down folk songs.
He was harmless though & I would always acknowledge him giving him a joint if I happened to have one on the go & stroking Emily affectionately as she lay silently and obediently at his side.
I wished him luck and said I’d see him next time then carried on to meet Pete.
I walked in the vicinity of some soap dodging tenants drinkers who were sprawled on the benches opposite the off licence and were finding it hard to stand straight or speak English in the immediate surrounding area.
“Spare us a pandd guv” The one with rings in his nose slobbered extending the immediate surrounding area to me.
“Nah sorry mate I haven’t got…..”
“God bless you my son” He said putting a hand on his heart and peering up to the sky.
I shook my head to myself in disbelief & amusement and let out a little under my breath laugh that was only really intended for me.
I continued up Bird lane leaving behind me the anonymous alcoholics looking for a drink and arguing over who knows what.
I could see Pete just ahead as I turned into his road. He was carrying a box, seemingly to his car nodding acknowledgment as he saw me.
“Alright man, wot you up to”
“Ah just got to take this round my Nan’s place”
“What is it, d’ya needa hand”?
“Nah cool man this is all there is, just some paint brushes and stuff I’m helping my mum & dad get it ready for her for when she moves in”
“Ah isn’t that sweet” I teased.
“You got any gear”
“I got a little bit of weed”
“I’ll just do this, then you up for a smoke”
“Yeah cool man”
He put the box into the boot of his car & unlocked the door. I got in but he went back indoors.
“I wont be long, I’ll just say bye”
1.
We finished our food & then paid separately. That was the other thing that I liked about the Market café. It was cheap & as long as you didn’t mind eating all things friable you could stuff yourself for under 3 quid.
“Oi listen anyhow mate, I just gotta go and do some stuff. I’ll give you a bell about 8”
“Yeah alright man, I’ll catch you laters”
We nodded each other and left to go our separate ways. I didn’t need to ask where he was going or what he was up to.
He was going off to have a sneaky little boo, so he could play the cained junkie when we met Rebecca & her mates. I think he thought it was tough or that it gave him some kind of “I’ve been there, seen, done & so know it all, I’m a wise old junkie” kind of status.
Maybe I did too for a while, being cained all the time I mean.
With Rebecca though things were different. She was the only serious attempt I’d had at a relationship in ages & I genuinely didn’t want to fuck things up.
My last 4 encounters I knew had only been there because of the coke and once it was all gone, so they would be too.
Since Rebecca didn’t toot, I knew that what we had was pretty much genuine. Before I had gone to France I had spent most of the week with her.
We used to sit up all night till it was light again, playing Chinese checkers, talking, giving each other sleep inducing head massages, listening to music and talking some more.
We’d sleep until 2 then get up & go for walks along the river and talk again all day.
I’d really wanted to give the coke up then and it felt like a good as time as any. Although I still hadn’t done any yet, I knew I was bound to at the party.
Not a lot, just a little, a treat for being good. Besides everybody was going to be there, Martin, Dean, Rachel, Jaime, Matt, Sally, Tony & his wife, Deans mc sidekick Kelvin and a whole host of suckers paying us £10 to come in out of reality & into a world where they would dance happily & hypnotically for 6 or 7 hours.
Drinking crap tap bear & manky old lukewarm toilet tap water in a dark little corner of a nightclub up the A2.
No, I wouldn’t be silly. I would just get on a buzz and mingle with all the acquaintances I had for so long wanted to call friends.
As the sea reached towards the moon & the planets raced to the sun another cycle was soon to be completed, my 21st birthday was approaching.
3.
“So when d’you move in man”?
“Friday”
“Nice one man, congratulations” Dan put forward his hand and we shook hands.
“And how is she”
“Yeah Charlottes cool man, she’s got the week off, she wants to unpack and arrange, all that kind of stuff, d’you know what I mean”
He chuckled. “They’re all the same man I tell you. Has she lived with anyone before”?
“Nah, me neither” I said shaking my head.
“Woo hoo hoo…nice…lots to look forward to then” He laughed again & took the piss some more, Theo and Jim soon joined in.
I’d just bought a flat and Charlotte had moved in with me. Although she wasn’t on the mortgage, we’d done everything together. Picking the keys up on the Friday evening after a day of messing about at the solicitors trying not to let the politics of buying a house roll on for another week.
We’d waited 2 months, Charlotte had already given up her flat and was staying with a friend who was actually an ex too close encounter of the pissed kind of mine.
So we had been more than eager to move in a.s.a.p. We even ended up paying £200 to the seller, in cash as insurance for the monies clearing on the Monday.
Neither of us had lived with anyone before and again an overwhelming feeling of everything new & exciting entered my life, another time of child like innocence.
The magic and intimacy of that Friday night I imagine, however vividly, staying with me for the rest of my life.
With only a sleeping bag, a few candles, a deck of cards, a few spliffs and a bottle of rouge we talked the night away with all the possibilities that lay for us ahead. Decorating & arranging, cooking each other meals, how we would be able to make love when & where we wanted and how we were happy and how happy we were going to be together.
The rest of our stuff we would get in the morning, but for now nothing else mattered. We were in our new flat and everything was going to be ok. We huddled together not long after fish & chips from our new local chippy, expressing our deepest love for each other, telling each other that this was the one, the big fully blown full on cat, kids & barbeques at the weekend relationship that we’d both heard so much about but had both never had.
We’d know each other for a while but only really got it together after an infamous magic mushroom filled coach journey on the way back from Amsterdam.
That was nearly 4 months ago but we already felt certain that each other was the one we’d been waiting for. The flat was supposed to be just another step to fulfilling our dreams, even though we probably weren’t quite sure what they were.
I was working the next 3 nights & had only just got in, yet already I was thinking about returning home in the morning & sneaking into bed with Charlotte.
She’d promised to make me breakfast and tea when I woke up.
I certainly couldn’t concentrate on work & so as soon as we had taken ‘handover’ and the other shift had left I suggested a spliff break to Theo.
It was hard to think of anything else, especially the next 12 hours at work, while thinking about Charlotte at home on her own. Our home, where in time we would make it into our own special little space, a place where you could close your eyes and imagine you were anywhere.
I planned to call her in a while, as I hated being away from her.
“So you moved your bitch in faggot”
Theo chuckled to himself this was very much his style. He meant no harm and could take as good as he gave.
We were like schoolboys in the schoolyard trying to come up with the funniest twisted cuss we could think of. He didn’t think Charlotte was a bitch and he didn’t necessarily mean anything homophobic by use of the word faggot.
It was just a constant banter of harmless slagging off. We worked long hours & so friendship and a good sense of humour were essential.
“You’re the faggot, so I wouldn’t even go there, Mr I got fingered by Annabelle” He went as red as a black bloke can go and as quick as he started he backed down.
I only had to bring up the name Annabelle when he was trying it on and it would do funny things to him.
She was a girl he once nearly slept with that had apparently without prior warning tried to shove her hand up his backside. He ran away never to see her again but to be scared and scarred for the rest of his life.
Well maybe it wasn’t that bad but whenever there was a lack of amusement the story of how Theo got butt fucked by Annabelle always guaranteed a laugh & a round of faggot being shouted at one and other.
“Ah shit man” He put his head in his hands and laughed some more.
“Nah, seriously though, what’s it like, is she all manic & that about everything”?
“Yeah it’s alright man & it’s cheaper than renting you know. We’re gonna do some decorating type stuff when I’m off”
“Yeah that sounds alright you know. I been thinking about getting me own gaff but I just gotta wait a bit”
He pulled out a bag of weed from his pocket & sprinkled some on the restroom table mixing it with some tobacco.
I actually didn’t mind working nights, as it was easy to do hardly any work. We often used to just play cards and get stoned all night. Dan, our shift leader was more of a mate, which was pretty cool and made it easier for us to do that, as he was just as bad as the rest of us.
Most of us all got on though & most of us smoked, so that was an added bonus.
“Cor…I dunno” Dan protested shaking his head as he walked in with Jim seeing both Theo and me rolling joints.
“Just a little one no doubt, for the road hey” He asked.
“Yeah, that’s right” I said tearing a piece of roach from an empty rizla packet.
“Faggot” Added Theo.
Dan soon began rolling one himself & Jim quickly followed suit. It was like this nearly every night & we all sat about grinning and talking.
“Anyone up for Trumps” Jim suggested lighting his spliff and passing the one he already had on.
“Blackjack” Was everybody else’s reply.
Roger soon came in when he realised that he was the only one out in production.
He was the only misfit in our shift, he didn’t smoke, was extremely boring, had an imaginary girlfriend and got his kicks from working & daily sport chat lines. He was also another source of piss taking, should have been a copper or security guard and his communication skills were below average.
I felt sorry for him sometimes when I thought he was trying, but he was arrogant and not very open-minded. A bit of a caveman really and already had us all down for no hopers just because we had a blow of an evening.
“What’s going on in here then” He didn’t wait for an answer.
“Playing cards I see…It’s alright for some init... er…Daniel, F.t just phoned to say they’ll be sending the job over in about 10 minuets”
“Thanks Roger, did you put a disk in”?
“Yep” He said with a single nod of the head.
Part of his problem was that he’d been in the company forever, yet had never made shift leader status. He soon sat down though with a machine tea & an Embassy light and waited for the cards to be dealt.
“We playing for stakes” I asked casually, fancying myself as a bit of a Maverick.
“50p or a quid”
“50p, then I can play a few games if I loose” said Jim.
We played a few games for money and I won £4. Dan, Jim & Roger went back out to work but I stayed with Theo to roll another joint and play some more cards.
After calling Charlotte and doing as little work as possible but taking as many joint breaks with Theo as possible the morning soon arrived bringing with it the day shift who were almost as weary looking and disorientated as the night shift they were taking hand over from.
Dan & I were the last to leave but we were on our way in no time & as soon as we had left the madness rush of confusion that is early morning London I rolled a joint.
He lived not far from me & it made sense for him to give me a lift in and share petrol expenses. It was cheaper & preferable to the packed, delayed & accident-prone trains for me and saved him a bit of money too.
It was funny, about a month before I got the job I went to see Gavin who was playing a gig with his band at the Rock circus.
I ended up missing the last train back & so had to try and find a lift with someone. Gavin said he’d ask his friend who was going near to where I wanted to go. He came back saying his friend didn’t have any more room as 2 others had already beaten me to it, but I could in fact go with himself if I didn’t mind going via Greenwich to drop someone else off first.
Anyhow it turned out that Dan was the guy who couldn’t give me a lift, he’d interviewed me & everything but we didn’t find out until I’d been doing the job a month or so and had got chatting in the car on the way home one night.
Then it turned out that he had a Cd of mine which our mutual but until then unknown friend had given him to copy. It was a crazy freak brothers, Cheech & Chong style encounter and it was hard not to become friends.
“What you up to for Christmas then” I asked Dan trying to keep the conversation going so as we wouldn’t fall asleep on the long drive home.
“Usual stuff…wife n kids…what about you”
“Probably just me & Charlotte…she said she’s gonna cook”
“Your first Christmas together…ahhh”
“Nah it’ll be alright man, we’ve both got weird families and we’ve agreed to blow em out until Boxing Day”
“What about new year”
“Well I wanna go out but she wants to stay in, just the 2 of us to make it one to remember being the millennium and all of that”
“What are you gonna do…play scrabble”?
“Are you taking the piss”?
“Sorry man I’m just playing”
“Nah it’ll be alright, we’ll probably get a load of gear & booze in might even get a bit of coke too but I doubt it”
I passed Dan the joint and took a mouthful of water then offered him the bottle.
“Nah I’m alright cheers mate”
We took it turns to yawn like we were part of a Barbershop quartet and before long it was time for me to get out.
“Nice one man” I said with a nodding gesture and making sure I had everything I closed the door behind me.
“See ya tonight”
“Yep, bout 6”
“Cool”
I waved him off and he gave a little toot of the horn as he drove away.
As soon as I was around the corner and he was out of sight, I ran the rest of the way home hardly being able to contain myself as I tried to put my key in the lock.
The sold sign still hung above the front door, I would have to ring the estate agent later and get them to remove it.
I ran up stairs leaving my coat & bag like a trail of evidence behind me. I threw the contents of my pockets on the floor, a pouch of backy, my keys & work security pass and a couple of lighters I had come into possession of over the night.
Charlotte was asleep on the floor. We hadn’t had a chance to get a bed yet and were making do with a single mattress. We planned to go shopping together for one as soon as I had finished nights.
She looked so peaceful, snug & warm cocooned in our quilt & for a minute I imagined that she would metamorphose into the most beautiful butterfly and fly teasingly above my head.
I hadn’t woken her & before I got a chance to I undressed and left everything in another pile on the floor.
I crept over & lay down beside her and as softly as I could, I took some of the quilt for myself. I rested over her with my arm wrapped around and whispered in her ear.
“You know I truly do love you Charlotte, I missed you so much last night. I can’t imagine doing this with anyone else. I love you, you do know that don’t you” I kissed her on the forehead and lay back down.
With my arm underneath my head staring at the ceiling & beyond I was soon asleep and again nothing mattered.
Charlotte woke about an hour later & I could feel her in my sleep wrap herself around me and kiss me much the same as I had done to her earlier.
2.
I woke to the sound of my phone ringing and thought how I really ought to start turning it off when I went to bed.
“Yo” I answered before the answer phone kicked in.
“Alright mate…it’s me…Pete”
“What’s up”? I said yawning and rubbing some sleep from eyes.
“Nothing just thought I’d wake you up & wish you happy birthday”
“Oh yeah…cheers man”
“You still on for tonight”?
“Yeah course”
“Alright cool, gimme a bell when you get up”
“Yeah no worries…I’ll catch you laters”
“Laters man”
“See ya” I put the phone down and fell back onto my bed.
I was 20 & yet felt 15 years older but at the same time 15 years younger.
The last 6 months had been filled with mammoth ecstasy taking, partying virtually non-stop and generally living life to the full. Tonight I was going to do something I’d never done before, buy a load of coke with Pete.
We’d talked about it for ages and my birthday seemed as good a time as any, not that either of us needed to be asked twice or encourage each other even slightly.
I’d done it before but had never bought more than ½ grams, tonight though we were going halves on ½ ounce & get absolutely shit faced.
I’d been doing ecstasy for a few years now and the effects of the long lasting comedowns were beginning to catch up with me. I didn’t enjoy it even half as much anymore & the comedowns were starting to hurt and I’d been refusing those that were being offered for a while, coke just seemed like the obvious answer to an alternative.
The party started at 10pm & I was getting the stuff off Dean at 7, £550 for 15gs and then some of the purest Peruvian flake going. Fuck knows where we got the money from because I still had an extra 200 in my pocket...oh I remember now, I had a part time job & had somehow managed to blagg an overdraft and Pete had done a bit of work for his parents or something.
I rolled out of bed & turned the stereo on, The Beatles were still in there from my pre birthday carnage of last night and so I left them in there but skipped forward a few tracks.
As the music crept in like it was a run away train getting closer & closer until it was right on top and shooting past I started singing along.
“It’s all too mu…huch” I looked around my room at the littered evidence of a heavy night, a couple of empty bottles of red and several full to the brim (with roaches) ashtrays.
“It’s all too much for me to take, the love that shines is all around me” I moved in rhythm with the beat and turned the volume up a few notches.
It had only just gone 10 but I had a lot to do before the evening. I went to run a bath and check to see if the post had brought anything that resembled a birthday card with it.
I took the contents of the doormat back to my room, 4 card looking things addressed to me, a brown franked envelope again addressed to me & 2 letters probably bills for my sister and her husband.
Since moving back down from London I had managed to progress to living with them. It was cool though as they both worked full time and I was hardly ever there.
I put her letters to one side & decided to open the brown franked letter first since I knew the others were defiantly birthday greetings of one kind or another.
Just as I thought, crap, only another reminder to the overdraft I had just taken out.
Before I got a chance to open the others the music stopped and for ambiance I put another Beatles on.
“They say it’s your birthday…it’s my birthday too yeah” I smiled smugly to myself and began to open my cards.
I knew who they were all from before I opened them, using a combination of postal and hand writing recognition I could tell they were from, my mother, my eldest sister Nicola, my mate Beth & Agnes a Dutch girl who I had met in Amsterdam when I went there for my 18th and who unlike most people I met at that period of my life had managed to keep in contact with.
I decided to open hers first, taking no pride in opening it instead ripping it apart like a demented savage.
A tiny popper bag of weed fell to the floor with the name k9 written on it in the corner in green ink.
The card was in Dutch of which mine is non-existence. She spoke English but for Christmas & Birthdays she always wrote in Dutch. The only bit I needed or could guess the meaning of was “vrolijke verjaardag” (happy birthday) and “kussjes” (kisses), Agnes.
Again I smiled to myself and opened the next card, which was from my friend Beth. We had gone to school together & she was the only person that I had kept in contact with from those days. She’d made the card herself as she always did & there was a letter written in silver ink inside. Cool I thought and put them both on top of my stereo.
My sister had sent me a £20 record voucher, which she knew she couldn’t go wrong with and that I preferred to a cd as before she’d always get me one I had or worse still something I didn’t like.
Again there was a letter saying we should meet up soon. I put this too with the others, there were some already there that I had opened late last night early this morning with Martin & Cole and a load of others, my birthday being another good excuse for getting cained.
The card from my mother was predictable; it had a guy on a bike on the front with slightly raised features like happy birthday, son and the handlebars to the bike.
Inside there was as just a predictable message & for some reason I didn’t put it with the rest of the others and left it face down on the side board behind some clothes.
We didn’t really get on & we hardly spoke, I didn’t feel comfortable or think it was worth parading her obligatory birthday card.
“Shit” I had forgotten about my bath and ran to check on it, getting there just before it was able to overflow, soaking the floor as it did so.
I turned it off but before I got in I changed the music.
“I was blind, now I can seeeahe…you made a believer out of meeahe, I was blind, now I can seeeahe you made a believer out of meeahe…I’m movin on up” I turned it up as loud as I thought reasonable, rolled a joint with the weed Agnes had sent me and laid in the bath smoking it with a beer.
“My life shines on my life shines on my life shines on”
Fuck it; it was my birthday after all.
4.
“Charlotte” I called out but she didn’t hear & continued walking towards the train station.
“Charlotte” This time she heard & turned around, I wasn’t miles away but I was far enough so that she had to peer to work who it was that was calling her.
“Ohh it’s you” She smiled as we neared each other.
We threw our arms around each other hugging and I kissed her on her cheek.
“Long time no see hey, where you off to”
“Oh only to the phone box, I was just gonna try and sort a bit of gear out”
“I’ve got some, you can ave a bit o that if you want” I took out a film case & shook it up & down and it rattled like a babies rattle.
“Oh wow, is that alright are you sure”?
“Yeah no worries…how’s it going anyhow, what you been up to”?
“Working” She said with a sigh and a bending of the lips to make a sad face.
“Erm & I finished college, did you know that?
“No, oh well done, how did it go… alright”?
“Yeah I did alright, hang on a minute” She put her key in her door and led the way into her flat upstairs.
It was right at the top, up 3 flights and I was relieved once we got there.
She opened the door to her flat and I followed her in, it was more of a bed-sit studio apartment really but it was quite big and she had it kitted out with all her stuff.
There was a window straight ahead in the arch of the roof, it had a small kitchen complete with a 2 hob little grill oven that we would later dub “The Bunsen burner”. There was also a fridge & behind the kitchen as it were there was a shower and toilet.
The place was like an extension of her natural self, with her clothes, paintings & cuttings scattered randomly everywhere.
“Excuse the mess” She apologised but I didn’t mind and even liked it.
Although it was near enough 1 room she’d made it a nice & cosy place and her iguana sat basking in the corner.
“You know hermie of course” She said pointing in his general direction.
“I do, we had the pleasure of meeting last time”
This was only the 2nd time I’d been round, the first being with my ex encounter and friend of hers Jessica.
“E…r do one up” I said passing her the film case with gear in it.
“You’ve moved it around since I was last here” The sofa we were sitting on was now underneath the window but used to be on the wall opposite.
“And where’s that other little chair thing that was here”
“Oh I didn’t need it, it took up too much room, So I told my landlord they could have it if they wanted it for one of the other flats” She said whilst licking a couple of papers together and I passed her a book to lean them on.
“What about you anyway, how was Amsterdam”
“Yeah was good, I stayed with my mate there, just needed a bit of time to sort my head out after everything if you catch me drift” We’d swapped phone numbers before I’d gone but we’d somehow managed not to see each other since.
“Yeah I do…I know she’s my mate and that but I thought she took the right piss out of you”
“Yeah but fuck it…you know how it goes and we were only seeing each other really for about a month. I don’t want to slag her off though, I know your still mates”
“No it’s ok…honestly I know what she’s like” This was comforting and reassuring to hear as I expected her to be on Jessica’s side.
“And you’re still off the coke too huh”?
“Yeah have been for ages now”
“Oh nice one”
“What work you doing then anyhow”?
“Ah I’m just working in a pub… it’s alright though, see I’m not sure if I want to go back to college or not…what about you, are you still working shift”
“Yep but I’m off now till next week”
“Yeah I must admit that’s pretty cool that, I wouldn’t mind working nights or having half the month off…oi you haven’t got any roach have you”?
“Uh huh” I gave her a couple of business cards I’d nicked from the branch manager at work.
“Salright this stuff init” She said lighting it and taking a puff.
We talked for what seemed like days catching up on the last few months & we smoked nearly all the gear I had leaving her some for when I left.
We promised to see each other soon & I didn’t feel too wrong in thinking that we were both accidentally stumbling cross something special in one and other.
I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship though & so certainly wasn’t going to make any kind of move. I was happy just to see how things would turn out and to leave any possible chances of a relationship to the laws of randomness and let fate fulfil its course.
However we arranged to see each other during the week before I was due back at work.
1.
“Yol Dean it’s me” I said as I sat sitting at the table playing with an all but 1 empty packet of cigarettes.
“Alright mate, ows fings”
“Not bad…just got back from France n I”
“Oh yeah, how was it”?
“Yeah nice man you know, not bad”
“Don’t tell me though now your clucking”?
I let out a nervous come conversation filler laugh.
“It weren’t too bad, but listen I spoke to Martin earlier and e said there’s a party on tanight”
“Yeah you coming”
“O course man, any chance of a little something though”?
“Yeah no worries…what we talking onions or sugar”
“Just a couple of bags o sugar”
“D’ya want it there or you gonna come round”?
“Nah I’ll see ya at the club, on the quiet though yeah just my girlfriends coming with me and well…well you know how it is”
He laughed smugly.
“Yeah I do…alright anyhow I’ll catch you laters then yeah”
“Uh huh…nice one man”
“Take it easy”
“Yeah & you”
“By”
I put the phone down, sorted; I’d just got a couple of gs arranged for later.
I like everyone had become an expert in the art of arranging deals in code. All of us somewhat paranoid that somebody somewhere along the line would be listening in, police, CIA, FBI, them, they, men in black nobody knew but we did know that it was better to be safe than sorry.
Whether it was can I have a Henry, drink of water, how’s your daughter, I’ll have a ¼, what about some onions or I’ve just been shopping and I got some green I knew what it meant and my man on the end of the telephone knew what it meant too.
If we had just met or started doing business and hadn’t established a code yet we would improvise as we went along.
In all the years of buying & selling drugs I never once called them by their government guide sheet scientific name and to an innocent by standing earwigger all I was talking about was nothing.
I was going to phone Pete next but I hesitated dialling the number deciding instead to roll a joint and thought about what I would do when I scored later. The seed had been planted but it was going to be a long wait till the deal was sealed.
I was shaking as I tried to stick some papers together messing it up once. Too much licking due to nervousness, excitement, & the want to have the coke now, it was still only 6 o’clock and I still had 3 hours to kill until I met Rebecca.
I put some music on, something to get me in the mood for later, I pressed play and fell heavily back on my bed. Getting a lighter from my pocket somehow as I did so and lighting the joint in synch with my head hitting the pillow.
“There’s a storm outside… & the gap between the cracking thunder…cracking thunder…is closing in…is closing in”
I closed my eyes and lay listening to the music shaking my feet to the beat my hand with the joint in it on autopilot to my mouth.
“Sometiiiiimes when I look deep in your eyes I swear I can see your soul”
As I sang along I wondered for whom I was singing. Tim Booth, myself, Rebecca, Pete, Dean or all the faces I knew that I could put names to and even the ones that I couldn’t.
I jumped up & turned the volume up singing louder as I did so.
“Sometiiiiimes when I look deep in your eyes I swear I can see your soul” I tried harmonizing.
“Sometimes when I look in your eyes I can see your soul”
The phone rang, it was Pete but I decided not to answer it changing the music for some anonymous house instead.
I don’t know why I didn’t answer it, couldn’t be bothered to I guess especially after the conversation we had had earlier. I really had had enough of his bullshit and something inside me just seemed to click.
Yeah we were mates at one time but not anymore, we just about still knew each other and we were now more like acquaintances rather than friends.
After recent conversations including the one at the market café I had all the confirmation I needed to know that he was a user and a cunt.
The phone rang again, maybe he thought I was in the bath or something, he left a message this time and I could tell by the strain in his voice that he was fucked.
He sounded like he was dying, taking 3 times as long to get a word out; like he was a cowboy that had been shot in a spaghetti western and almost turning a 2 syllable word into a 4 syllable one.
“Ye…eah…alright…maaann…it’s…m…me…Pete…I…jus…” Before I gave him a chance to finish I pressed① on the phone and deleted the message.
Although he tried to phone a few more times I never spoke to or saw him again.
2.
Dean was mixing one tune or another when we turned up at the studio.
It had been a long day since getting up in the morning. I had spent most of it in the pub with Martin, Pete and a few others.
I was by no means pissed but I was well up for tonight.
“Alright Dean… ows it going…all set for tonight then are we” I asked him although I wasn’t really bothered all I wanted was to get my hands on the coke as quickly and with as little polite chit chat as possible.
“Happy birthday geezer” He shouted over the mic beckoning me into his ‘office’ and without wasting any time offered me a line.
I took a Larry out of my pocket rolled it up into a straw like tube and did the whole line in 1 go.
“Wooahh” I shook my head from side to side in a shiver as I immediately felt cousin cocaine having her wicked way and doing her stuff.
Working her way through my body, starting somewhere between my stomach & heart & then finding her way into every last strand of hair, finger, tooth and nerve.
“Not bad” I said turning to a grinning Pete.
“The purest of the purest Peruvian flake going” Dean said as he did up another 2 lines.
“You ready” He pushed the slightly bigger of the 2 lines unusually for a coke head over to me.
“Cheers” He toasted and we snorted them simultaneously like we had just clinked a couple of glasses together at a restaurant or dinner party.
The 2nd one went down even better than the 1st and I started nodding my head hypnotically to the beat that was being played.
Kelvin was there & he started rapping something to it that I wasn’t quite able to catch.
“So what about our tune Dean” I asked trying in front of Pete to make our friendship look genuine.
“What about it” He said almost arrogantly.
“You finished it yet”
“Nah not quite yet man…it’s getting there though”
It had been nearly 2 months ago that we had started it & every time I mentioned it, it was never quite ready.
“Anyhow…on a lighter note” Dean said producing a not so little wrap of paper.
I didn’t need to ask what was in it.
“Special delivery for the birthday boy”
“Nice one man… ½ ounce yeah”
“Uh huh spot on”
I took the roll of money that I had in my pocket out and counted it out in front of him. I didn’t want him to turn around afterwards and say it was 50 quid short or something.
“Shall we go in the other room, now that’s all over with”? Suggested Kelvin.
“Yep hang on a minute though” I said opening up the wrap.
“Ear Pete you got something to put yours in”?
He looked around the room searching for a suitable bag or container.
There were a couple of decks on the left wall & following on from them in an L shape were various keyboards, screens and big tables with lots of buttons that I didn’t know what they all did on them. There was a pile of Dj & lad mags on the floor underneath one of the tables & Dean ripped a page from one tearing and folding it carefully & considerately like someone off of Blue Peter to form a wrap.
I split as best I could without scales the coke in half.
“Is that alright”?
“Yeah-cool-man” Pete said almost as 1 word.
I could have offered him a 1/3 of what was there and he still would have said yes.
I for one had only seen that much coke before in films like Scar face & 10 o’clock news specials on the drug warlords of Columbia and Pete was almost mesmerized.
We both did a couple of lines and I offered Dean one, then I emptied some into an additional wrap for immediate consumption in doing so attempting valiantly to save the rest to do at the club later. I also didn’t want the anonymous others in the next room to know how much I had as I knew undoubtedly that as soon as I produced even a little bit, like flies around shit and bees around honey I would be everybody’s best friend.
I followed Dean into the front room avoiding already crashed out casualties en route. When he opened the door, enough smoke seemed to pour out to feed a smoke machine for a week.
I immediately recognized Sally, Deans bit on the side to his bit on the side. He was allegedly married with one kid but yet this didn’t seem to stop him or give him any moral dilemmas.
“Alright Sal” I said nodding her acknowledgment.
“Yeah you” She said rising from her seat, wobbling over stretched out legs and making her way over to me.
“Happy birthday mate” She kissed me on the cheek and gave me a spliff.
“Ah nice one…cheers”
I didn’t know anybody else in there & there were no introductions but we all said hello whether it was verbal or a nodding gesture of the head.
I counted at least 6 spliffs and a couple of lines doing the rounds, being Mr birthday boy I was offered more than was maybe needed.
For the next hour or so I was hardly ever without a joint or a line & I got through all my immediate consumption wrap with there being no excuse as the next line was mine.
Dean went to do some mixing due to a combination of the restlessness effects of the coke he had probably been snorting more or less all day and in preparation for his spot later at the club.
I followed him leaving Pete with Sally, Kelvin & the anonymous crowd.
“Nice one man for sorting that out”
“Yeah no worries mate…anytime uh”
3.
As it was our last night shift & were off until next week Dan & I left early and although I managed to get home at 7:30 Charlotte had already left for work.
She’d not long after getting back from Amsterdam got a job in the city working for a media production company and could only get one train. If she got the one before it although she would have a carriage to herself she’d be an hour early & if she got the one after she would have to stand squashed against somebody’s armpit and be an hour late.
I fell onto the sofa & apart from the odd yawn, lay there silently not moving, barely thinking but trying desperately not to fall asleep.
When I finished nights I liked to try and stay up all day, otherwise I would find myself stuck in night shift mode, which resembled something close to being constantly jet lagged. Going to bed at 4 in the morning and waking up not knowing for a second or 2 if it was 1 in the afternoon or 1 in the morning further more momentarily panicking, disoriented about whether I had to get up for work or not.
I took a bottle of red from the cupboard and popped it open pouring myself a generous glass.
I know it looked bad but if you finished work after the 9-5 stint you might go to the pub for a couple after. To me it was much the same even if it was only just before 8 in the morning.
I swear people must have thought I was an alcoholic though, drinking wine and beer at that time in the morning.
I decided to check my email and have a quick surf. I had recently constructively salvaged a laptop from work, it wasn’t the dogs but it was alright for email and Charlotte used it for work.
“You have no new messages” I repeated as if I was in fact checking for someone else and was telling them.
I did a couple of random searches but soon got bored and so turned it off.
At the very least I wanted to try & stay awake until Charlotte arrived at work so I could ring her and say hi.
We’d been in our flat now for nearly 2 weeks and everything was going cool. We now had a bed that was delivered just 2 days ago after we had gone out & picked one together no expenses spared.
We thought fuck it; we might as well splash out on one and so splash out on one we did.
A wooden frame that we both agreed on & liked and it had a mattress to die for. Not too hard but not too soft and even Goldilocks would have found it hard to find fault.
I played a little guitar, making some words up as I went along; I never actually sat down and wrote anything but would just play a tune, sing along and see what I could come up with.
“Wake up in the morning…lying next to you…wait around for a while until the afternoon…I just want to…be with you…I’m just calling… out to you” I presumed I was singing about Charlotte but I could just as easily subconsciously been singing about when I was on the coke.
I played a bit more but my mind wasn’t really on it. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I considered fucking it & just going to bed, but I put some music on and sprawled myself back over the sofa.
Smoking my spliff still trying to keep my eyes open, I didn’t have a cat in hells chance & was soon very much in a numb & dreamless sleep, dead & oblivious to the outside world.
I was woken a couple of hours later by the phone ringing, at first not being able to work out if it was a dream or next door.
“Yol”
“Hello honey” It was Charlotte.
“Hey gorgeous…what time is it”? I said yawning.
“Nearly 11…I thought I’d give you a ring, did I wake you up then”?
“Yeah I crashed out on the sofa”
“Ol sorry”
“No it’s ok I didn’t want to sleep all day anyway, I was trying to stay up actually coz I was gonna call you… and I’m off now as well so…
“What time did you get in”?
“Bout half 7”
“Oh you must have just missed me then, you should have given me a bell I would have got the next train”
“Yeah I know I’m sorry but I didn’t want to wake you…I did miss you though last night”
“Yeah… me too, I tell ya it’s been so nice sleeping on a real bed, I can’t wait to fall asleep together on it”
“I know, its nice isn’t it”
“And we haven’t even shagged on it yet”
“CHARLOTTE” I squealed as if I were shocked.
“What”?
“I thought you were at work”
“It’s alright nobody can hear”
“Dirty little girl” I said playfully.
“Well we haven’t have we”? She said with one of her cheeky little laughs and no doubt grinning to herself.
Although we’d had the bed a few days I’d been working nights & we hadn’t seen each other since before it was delivered.
I put it up & made it ready to sleep in before I went and she came home from work, wrapping it up as best I could without going too over the top on the paper front.
“How’s work anyhow”?
“Yeah not bad, I just had to go out and get a load of props for this cooking thing that’s being shot later”
“It’s all go hey in the world of showbiz”
“I wouldn’t go so far as to call it that...anyway are you gonna be in when I get home tonight”
“Of course…I’ll make dinner huh”
“Ah that’s so sweet…thank you”
“Hey no worries”
“Oi listen I better go Jonathon’s just walked back in the office, I’ll ring you later before I leave”
“Ok”
“Love you”
“Love you too”
“Bye”
“See you in a bit” I put the phone down before we got a chance to go on saying love you and goodbye for the next 10 minuets.
I changed the music that had long ago stopped & ran a bath with the intent that it would wake me up so I could go out and see who was about.
I had a quick bath taking extra care not to let myself fall asleep & then changed into something that hadn’t been worn all night and smelt of a smoky restroom.
I was quite wrecked due to the effects of working and smoking all night so didn’t really care what I looked like.
Loose and casual, I stood there brushing my teeth in my well worn but extremely comfortable trainers, beige combats and blue fleece.
I quickly washed my mouth out before I yawned toothpaste all over myself.
After rolling a little 1 skin for the road whilst listening to The Charlatans one to another, I checked I had my tobacco & keys & left to go and enjoy the day a bit.
As I always did after nights I felt like I was on a comedown and my stroll resembled more floating than walking.
There was an early December chill in the air but the sun was abnormally out in a funny winter morning kind of way & doing its best to shine among the not yet bursting rain clouds & like rays of light piercing through the treetops of a rainforest touching the ground below it would catch my face every now and then briefly gently warming me as it did so.
I got to the high street, which was not so empty with left over tourists and eager Christmas shoppers.
I stopped off at the bank and took a score out just in case it was needed for the pub. There was a time when I would have spent every last penny from my copper jar on coke, let alone anything I might have had in the bank, but now especially since Charlotte I was happy just to smoke and have the odd drink occasionally.
As usual Bob the busker & Emily were stood and seated in their regular spots looking like part of the furniture, the street décor or the performing statues you see in London. They weren’t sprayed silver or anything like that but Bob was getting into the Christmas vibe or at least trying to take advantage of it by donning a bit of tinsel on his hat.
He was speaking to someone & luckily I was on the opposite side of the road & so managed to walk past with a nod and a slight gesture of the hand.
There wasn’t anyone else I knew out or about & as charming as they were Bob the busker and Emily didn’t count when it came to drinking partners, especially when I’d been working all night. So I decided to have a quiet one on my own and continue my efforts to stay awake.
I went into the Weather spoon just as the 1st few drops of rain had started falling, I ordered a Cafreys & apart from a couple of old men drinking ½ s, chewing rollups, scouring the Racing post for bets to place later, I and the girl behind the bar they were perving at were the only ones in there.
I grabbed a paper to look at myself and went to sit down on one of the Chesterfields by the fire.
I downed near on half a pint in my 1st swig, that was the problem with Cafreys, so smooth & silky and easier I found to drink than water.
After warming my hands in the fire I flicked through the paper and as usual there was nothing of great interest. Unless of course you wanted to know who wore £50,000 dresses, who was shagging who and what Sharon from Newport looked like after her magical mirror makeover.
I thought about what I could get Charlotte for Christmas, she had given me a short list of ideas and I had already got her a couple of them.
A plain silver ring that she had wanted for ages & had hinted that it might be nice if I could buy it for her and a warm winter top that she could wear to work as well as going out.
I still wanted to get her some other things but I didn’t want them to be ordinary sock, knickery, chocolates and sweets kind of stuff.
I thought about getting her a little wooden pipe & gauzes to go with them, wrapping them separately inside little wrapped boxes so she’d have to open them twice and wonder more what they were.
“Hhhmmm”
“Ermm…what else”? I said talking to myself yawning and scratching my head.
Fuck it that would do for now, I still had plenty of shopping days until the big day and I could go out on a manic present mission when I wasn’t so tired.
I was sitting there almost asleep but thinking about ordering another half then going home to bed when Cole walked in, he was wearing his long overcoat and looking like someone out of Mary Poppins clutching an umbrella at his side.
“Yol…Cole…alright man how’s it going”? I got up and we shook hands.
“Yeah not bad…you”
“A little tired…just came here for a quiet one”
“You seen anyone about”
“Nah…I’ve literally only been here 10 minuets”
“Ol right…did you work or something last night”
“Well I was at work but I didn’t do much…why does it show”?
“No I just wondered…what you been doing all night then”?
“Getting stoned and playing cards to be honest”
“Weh hey Viva la Revolution”
I laughed I’d know Cole for ages, he was old enough to be my Grandfather but it was never an issue.
He was always up for a session & could drink me and probably smoke me under the table any day.
He was cool though & we often just used to chat in his flat, smoking & drinking the night away telling the stories and experiences of life we both had to share.
It was strange because even though he was that much older than me & would be talking about the 50’s & 60’s scene, apart from the names and places the stories would be almost the same.
About how one of us would be at some rave, underground club or house party, the man with the gear, the girls, the music, the fashion, the police, the thrills, the pills and the morning after bellyaches.
“You fancy a pint, I was just gonna have a half but fuck it hey it is Christmas”
“Yeah alright then why not, I was only gonna have a half me self I’ve got to make some calls but like you say fuck it, I’ll ave what ever you’ve been drinking if that’s alright”
The 2 perves had since left and I had to wait for the barmaid to return from out back. We made polite chit chat about the weather & of course Christmas, I exchanged my empty pint for 2 full ones, thanked & paid her & went back over to the fire and Cole nearly dropping the drinks along the way.
“Cheers” I offered a toast and we clinked glasses.
“Nice one again for the move the other week as well Cole”
“No worries mate” we toasted and clinked our pints again.
He had helped Charlotte and me move all our stuff into the flat with his van.
“How’s that all going anyhow”
“Yeah it’s getting there… and we’ve got a bed now as well…so that’s pretty cool”
“Early days though hey”
“Yep something like that, we’ll see how it goes though”
“Don’t worry …I tell ya…I know what its like…you’ll do alright man”
“Cheers Cole”
“Watch this space hey”
“Yeah that en all”
1.
“Hey Rebecca there’s been a change of plan”
“Oh what’s up…we’re still going aren’t we”?
“Yeah of course, its just Pete’s blown it out so I asked Martin if we could go with him” I lied; I had blown him out after not responding to his phone call earlier and I couldn’t be bothered to try explaining her about Pete’s unsavoury saga in the even more unsavoury world of heroin addiction.
“What mushroom Martin”
“Yeah he heh…that’s the 1, so we’ll pick you up from your house instead… about ½ 9”
“Ok cool, I’ll see you then…oh yeah is it still alright for Bonnie to come too”?
“Yeah for sure…anyhow look I betta go I’ll see you laters yeah”
“Ok”
“See you in a bit gorgeous”
“Yeah & you”
“Ciao” I put the phone down rubbing my hands together like the cat that got the cream.
I knew I’d end up staying at her place afterwards & if I had any left over coke I could sneak to her toilet for the odd line here and there blaming it on the booze.
I made sure that I had enough money & that I had the other essentials, Rizla, tobacco & weed & then left to go and meet Martin.
He was at the pub with Cole & I’d already spoken to him earlier and explained to him the coo with Pete.
Martin was like me, yeah he enjoyed doing a bit of Charlie as much as the next man, but he never robbed or ripped anyone off to get it. He also thought Pete was no good & didn’t trust him as far as either of us could throw him.
I saw his car parked outside the pub as I got near & I chipped my joint before I was dangerously near & the smell and smoke of it contaminated the air inside.
The Kestrel tavern, not exactly my choice of drinking hole, tended to fill with wannabe coppers & wannabe gangsters, but they had a garden and if you were careful could get away with smoking in one of the corners.
I bought a Guinness & went on through to the garden. I wasn’t really a big fan of pubs & couldn’t stand the dramas that went with them, pissed idiots being loud and obnoxious, throwing their arms around all over the place, hitting you with their almost empty glass in the process. Acting like they hadn’t seen you in years and that you were the love of their life. Telling you how much of a friend you were, how much they adored you, how much that they really really did love you and it wasn’t just because they were loaded on some cheap and nasty government approved socially acceptable, drown your sorrows with a pint and all will be alright wonder pint. On the up side though it was a good place to meet and have a few before going out.
Sure enough Martin, Cole & a couple of faces I could get away with saying I knew were in the far corner, on standby for a possible reefer moment.
“Weh hey…c’est mon amis” Cole jeered standing up with his pint in one hand & a badly crumpled roll up in the other as he saw me making my way down the steps.
When he was drunk he would often lapse into bouts of French, Spanish or Italian, his work had taken him all over Europe and when he was my age he’d been in the Merchant navy and so it had been difficult for him not to pick up different tongues along the way.
I did the rounds & shook everybody’s hand and then sat down, instinctively to avoid any surprises with my back against the wall.
“So you coming tonight then Cole”
“Ah non c’est impossible ce soir pour moi” He said talking with his hands & then mumbling a load of stuff in a drunken slurry of English and Spanish.
“No seriously” He continued making a pointing cutting movement with his hand.
“Tonight my beautiful wife is going to be cooking me dinner”
“Creature comforts hey…it’s alright for some init”
“TV and dinner” Martin added raising his glass.
“I’m fucking fucked… D’YOU KNOW… D’YOU KNOW, D’YOU KNOW” He repeated like he was a hooligan at a football match.
“I’ve been working all day & betta right…” He paused to hiccup and to relight his cigarette.
“And how long have you been in here then” Somebody asked.