The Valley of the Shadow: Part I - Philosophy

a dytopian society observed with the gentle considered cadences of a scholar, a sensitive writer called nero--who, like his infamous namesake, sees the decadence and cruelty of his time through a refined artistic sensibility.

whereas dystopias are often seen through prisms of lurid action, your opening sets the scene gently, as if retrospectively, in the form of a man racked by personal guilt and anger at contemporary mores...

this is definitely a book to be savoured and read at leisure, an excellent counterpoint companion to our hectic way of life. there's no doubt that it is today you are describing, not tomorrow--despite the presence alongside nero of dante, ulysses, zoe (eaten by a monster truck) and that is fitting and what dystopias should always aim to do, as orwell himself did, or as tacitus, in the guise of recent history, did for rome.. this distancing of the modern through an ideal classical past serves to rub the present's nose more intimately into its imperfections.

it is well written, drawing the reader in with elegant balanced prose which does full justice to its rich unusual premise.

backed, and wishing you well with it.

freddie
("honour")

This is more than the collapse of American Society. It is an indictment on society in general, cleverly portrayed through 19th/20th philosophy. The style reminds me of the work of Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche; esp. Thus Spoke Zarathustra in terms of the story line. In addition the major belief systems are interwoven to create a believable sombre reality.
It is not a novel in the true sense; it is more than that and will find a place in the study of philosophy. Backed

NW, when books are as literary as this it doesn't matter what the genre. I don't like sci-fi,
but I like anything well written. I could read whatever you care to write about till the cows come home. brilliant. Shelved. Lynn

You paint an alarming, apocalyptic scenario, which is frighteningly near the truth, if current forecasts are to be believed. This is highly imaginative, controlled writing, full of incredibly evocative images, and a strong sense of direction. You build up the tension well, and do not spare us the detail. You write with intelligence and confidence, and you really make your reader think. Backed with pleasure. Best wishes, Tony.

Excellent source for college students to debate internally and externally. Possible cliff notes will be necessary
to have full understanding of the depth of this trilogy. Excellent word usage, verbage, science fiction, and fictional characters. This is one series that can be read again and again, and yet be inferred differently each time. This book is one of a kind!!! Classic for the 21st Century literature books!!!

I like the voice you've chosen here, nicely complementary to the premise. Lyrical writing to support a good idea. Glad to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

The Valley of the Shadow

You have a wonderful literary style of writing that make the words flow of the page.
Your use of first person works with this, although it does take a little while to find where the plot is going. However the writing style does compensate for this. – Good luck.

I like to think the future will be a little brighter than this - so I may not agree this future world will happen - but your writing style is so good, I really became involved in this world. I like the way you've written it in first person - helps to give a sense this is really happening - like it or not, this is the future. A good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I assume Abiona is the imaginary person he chooses as his audience as he writes a diary. If that's not right then it might need clarifying.

I have imposed solitude...
I have opted for a life of reclusion...
That feels like you're just repeating the same thing. It makes him sound longwinded.

"Yet solitude does accomodate itself out of necessity."
I have no idea what that means.

"I have often heard the healing processs... Surely it could not hurt."
This read a little strange. 'Surely it could not hurt' was a strange phrase to use. Metaphorically it's meaning fits in here fine, but if you look at what it literally says - hurt - and compare that to what the previous line is about - pain, ills etc. - the images clash. He's already hurting, so that particular comment seems inappropriate within the context. If you are deliberately using sympathetic language i would have to say I don't think it works, more clashes than anything. That's just a personal opinion, of course.

'...weathering of the passing seasons'
this reads like the seasons have been weathered, which means survived (he weathered the storm - meaning he was fine). I think you mean weathering by...

A lot of this is overwritten and wordy. I realise you're approaching it in a certain style, but that style reads as overblown and repetitious. By using lots of long words and not having much in the way of physical action, so most of it is about how he feels and his concerns and views, it reads, to me at least, like the narrator is someone who likes the sound of their own voice a little too much and is a little self-important. As such I'm not that keen to here this story from him because he seems to go over the same ground over and over again. That may well be intentional of course.

You've written him so that he has a very distinct voice and a consistent one, but I found it tiring to have to read such purple prose, which he tends to use at every opportunity. It comes down to a matter of taste, obviously.

Best of luck with it.

regards
mood

I guess i have read this before...of course on authonomy, like i promised then, i came back for more.
Being a Nigerian, i loved the book from the begening. Your narrative flows easy and its the kind of book one can sink into.

Tope Apoola
Times of the supermen

NW, I like your writing style for this story. Nothing to nitpick about.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is a stunning and chilling view into the dystopia that has threatened, and continues to cast a shadow over our world. You have done an incredible job in setting the scene in this first part, and I am at a lost for any criticism.

Excellent job, and backed with pleasure.

Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules were made to be broken." - Relic

Nicely written. I would suggest a little less use of the short sentences - these have good effect when used sparingly. Backed. Colin

Why do I think of Maldoror? I rather like this world-weary woe-is-I kind of narration but I do think you have to be careful not to overdo it. We can take a certain amount of mournful introspection but then do need to get our teeth into action. I think this is like so many books, it tries a little too hard at the beginning but then settles down and gets happy with its skin. I like it, a lot (I know it sounded as if I didn't - but I just think it's got the potential to be even better!). I'm happy - more than happy - to back.

This is really good stuff. I can see the tragic life of this person through your words and his surroundings come into light as I read. Very unique premise that makes for a captivating read. Its an intellectual look at our society and where its heading. Your version makes sense to me and it is clear from your words that you know a little about writing. This is great!

Nero, the scribe, observes society's breakdown through a series of letters to Abiona. It's well written but Nero is given to literary flourishes (intentional?) in a way that reminds me of John Banville's anti-hero narrators e.g. "this centuries long generational jitterbug" wtf? He is also prone to clichés:
"finger on the pulse" , "my back is against the wall", "This is my burden and lot in life"
which spoil his literary style.
Overall, I like it.
Frank

Well, I believe that, to be useful, a critique should be critical.
Here goes my 2.5 cents worth then -
The language in the opening chapters is too dense, the vocabulary overblown and not always appropriately used. In order to hook and hold casual browsers you need to work on this.
Further along your language is much easier, it flows and pulls the reader along, so that the story and not the words is what is first noticeable. You have obviously worked very hard at this. Keep at it.
phil (Eland Dances)

The title and cover grabbed me, reading the novel was not a disappointment, love the style, makes the setting intimate. Olive

Certainly the first few chapters are amazing. I think if I was standing in a bookstore I would want to read on and on. But your pitch does not due your work justice. I wasn't compelled to read and probably would not have without our swap--because of your pitch. With a book as strong as this one--it would be sad to miss readership because of the pitch! Saying this with all good intentions!
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Complicated... but very thought invoking... The fact that you chopped this monster into short concise chapters is a brilliant move. It makes it easy to put it down, contemplate and either agree, or get pissed... Either way, I bet you pick it back up.

Nicely done and backed.
Dan-
Eunice Stubbins, among others...

This bleak, dark and often challenging book is not an easy read. It demands of the reader a certain level of thinking, of self analysis and of reflection.
It is a challenge to the current philosophy of the world, the head long race to the possible end of humanity, perhaps not of mankind, but to circumstances which could strip us of our veneer of civiilsation.
The writing is powerful and the style unusual, neither of which should deter the reader from a narrative which will make them think.

you have a distinct style in this book, I like the first person narrative but I did find it a bit too preachy over some points in the first chapter, but the second chapter is actually better I think, I liked the thoughts you present throughout. very good read.

The Valley of the Shadow

I love the artistry of the voice in this. It's very intimate, even soothing, a nice contrast to the darkness of the story. Truly engaging introspection. Backed. -Barb (Silent Hoofbeats)

I had to pause and back this while reading, just a great read! Awesome!

sue

BACKED.

shah, the interpreter

backed with pleasure

alison

Wonderful read. The language is refreshing, and in tone with the character Nero. Just a thought though-at more than 100 k,don't you think it's too long?
Best

Your prose is excellent. There is absolutely nothing to complain about, there. What I must say, though, is that, for the entire first chapter I had no images in my head. You might want to speed it up, get to narration a little faster. That's what grabs people's attention. Other than that, you have a great start. Backed for your prose. Keep up the good work!

I look forward to hearing from you about my book!
M.C. Holman
Dragon-Children: The Secrets of Tarenhavdel

a dytopian society observed with the gentle considered cadences of a scholar, a sensitive writer called nero--who, like his infamous namesake, sees the decadence and cruelty of his time through a refined artistic sensibility.

whereas dystopias are often seen through prisms of lurid action, your opening sets the scene gently, as if retrospectively, in the form of a man racked by personal guilt and anger at contemporary mores...

this is definitely a book to be savoured and read at leisure, an excellent counterpoint companion to our hectic way of life. there's no doubt that it is today you are describing, not tomorrow--despite the presence alongside nero of dante, ulysses, zoe (eaten by a monster truck) and that is fitting and what dystopias should always aim to do, as orwell himself did, or as tacitus, in the guise of recent history, did for rome.. this distancing of the modern through an ideal classical past serves to rub the present's nose more intimately into its imperfections.

it is well written, drawing the reader in with elegant balanced prose which does full justice to its rich unusual premise.

backed, and wishing you well with it.

freddie
("honour")

This is more than the collapse of American Society. It is an indictment on society in general, cleverly portrayed through 19th/20th philosophy. The style reminds me of the work of Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche; esp. Thus Spoke Zarathustra in terms of the story line. In addition the major belief systems are interwoven to create a believable sombre reality.
It is not a novel in the true sense; it is more than that and will find a place in the study of philosophy. Backed

interesting sci-fi. Will back it for you. Dave

Hi NW this is a really interesting beginning, I love the narrators voice, it feels really intimate as if he is talking just to me. I like the apocaliptic feel to this, the world seems like a different place from the narrators descriptions, though subtly as it was. I enjoyed this and the premise is fascinating. On my shelf. helena (A Load of Rubbish)

"Abiona" is a Yoruba name, and i am Yoruba, so reading this book, i started off on a sentimental note. At some point, i started feeling proud as though i wrote the book.
The book ot a little political and opiononated at some point, but not to worry, you could still do something about it.
Thank you for sharing this very well written novel with us.
Backed!

Tope Apoola
Times of the supermen

Nit,

I'm returning your read of Appetites, per our swap agreement. Thank you again for your support of my work.

Interesting premise and a pitch that promises an intelligent treatment of it. You might want to look at Baggers and Rescuing Liberty on the site, both of which deal with similar end-times themes.

Your short-pitch doesn't work as well for me as the long, I think because it's lacking in the specific, when I strip away the adjectives, I'm left with an alternate history of event leading to the fall of mankind. I have no feel for what these are. Perhaps the only concrete thing is that the work is a satire.

The long pitch, though, gives more idea--and I love the name of your MC. The last paragraph tells us some of the features of this fall. A couple of observations you might like to consider:

--I think it might be better to say his journals chronicles, rather than that these events surface in his journal, I'm assuming they're real; and
--again there's a certain amount of over qaulifying here (subtly unfolding, inexplicable) which I don't think is required, given what follows.

Onto the story proper. I've just read the first chapter without pause. The voice is impressive. The style, I hope you will forgive me for saying, is old-fashioned, but it held my attention. The power of the narrative driven by voice reminds me of Moby Dick. Then, in the last paragraph, you write of hand stained with blood and I'm reminded of Sartre.

It's pleasing to me, as a Philosophy graduate, to see Bertrand Russel called out amongst the greats in chapter two. Deft use of repitition is a feature of this chapter. And that voice is sustained. A difficult thing to I think.

Early in chapter three you use caps for emphasis, I think italics are a more traditional--and subtle--way of emphasising text (though I'm not sure these two words require anyemphasis).

In the dream I'd be inclinded to look at the paragraphing: to ensure that words, actions and reactions of Nero/Darshan and the mysterious woman are separated. I not too, that this chapter is very short.

Chapter four is another short one. And, though you use but two in this chapter, it's as good a place as any to say I've notice a few exclamation points in your writing and I'm not sure they're all required (the first in this cahpter seems appropriate, but the second, in the following sentence, I'm less sure of, I feel a period would suffice).

Looking at this as a whole, or at least after fourchapters, I'm most put in mind of Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress. The writing is very strong, the voice confident. I've little to offer by way of constructive criticism. Whether there is a market for this sort of writing today I don't know, but I'm happy to back it.

very lyrically and beautifully written.

There is a slight undercurrent of disdain; not the obvious disdain that he states, but more like this person thinks he is somehow better than everyone else. Although for some arrogance is attractive, for me it is not, even in the smallest way.

I will read a few more chapter to see if my view changes.

Lisa~

I found mannings book very interesting and found myself going back for more

I found the opening chapter sad and yet I feel deeply for Neto as he struggles with what has happened. It is so beautifully written that it draws me in and wants me to read more. This is really good and deserves to do well. Backed with pleasure, Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Well, I don't know what to say? NW, this is a brilliant book, not for some, but most will accept the effort and expertise put into writing something like this. It worried me a little to start with, but then I slowed down and read more steadily. I am sure you have a winner here. Backed.
Fromante. (Norman) The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And also, MUDDLEDYDO.

What dire, gorgeous prose! Its almost poetic - nay, DEFINITELY poetic, reminiscent of the very best T.S. Elliot, and the other Dystopian seers ever had to offer. It a rare privilege to be exposed to writing of this caliber. Backed.

NW, this is truly fantastic writing. I LOVED in chapter 2 paragraph 2 where you characterize humanity as having traded away the accomplishments of Ghandi and MLK Jr for triflings self indulgences. So true! We have been SOLD a bill of goods by the commercial and marketing sectors: the concept that possessions and social status symbols can bring us self esteem, peace and/or joy. We trade away lasting Joy for the cheap counterfeits -- the idolatry -- of passing pleasures. And they are SO fleeting. This is the choice we make every day: Passing pleasure or lasting Joy. I have not read it all so I do not know if you have distilled it all down to this choice, but passing pleasures are the idols that stand between us (as monsters and animals we are becoming) and our god-Selves. We must look past passing pleasures to find the Truth. Far more ephemeral than the tantalizing physical pleasures of this world, It is, nonetheless, infinitely more enduring and nourishing. This is great work. Truly wonderful!

Backed with love and admiration! Callaghan Grant (The Shouting Tree)

This reads like classic literary fiction. Once the reader's lazy fast-food lit fed mind relaxes into the lengthy, detailed sentences, a story unfolds. It is worth the journey.
Beautiful writing.
Backed,
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

You post an interesting opening, as we learn the main character has killed a small girl. You stay inside the characters head a long time with nothing happening. This amount of exposition can be draining for a reader. I know it's hard to find the balance.Consider cutting some introspection and weaving it through some actions of his (have him going something). Or weaving this chapter in (his thoughts) through the rest of the story. As is, this reads like a good character building exercise that would be a great thing to reflect back on :)

Your WRITING is fantastic, though, and I hope you keep this wonderful voice through any edits you make. Intelligently written :)

xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

The dark horror Nero describes is not dissimilar to what happens already, though I have doubts about the validity his philosophy. Organic entropy, I suspect, would look quite different. Still, he hopes; that's something, amongst his monsters.

There's a feeling of claustrophobia, almost suffocation, in Nero's solitariness, and in his dependence on 'Abiona'. The only dialogue is his one-way communication with Abiona, couched in his oddly archaic tongue. He IS his detachment, and I suspect Abiona is too. So, I wonder how much of what he describes exists 'outside' of himself; every time I try to grasp the substance of what he says, it eludes me.

A brave and interesting work; one that poses many questions and provokes much thought. I'm backing this for its ambition and exceptional realisation.

Cult novel is a fitting description for this. It's not for everyone, but the audience that likes dark, goth tales will eat this up.

You take full advantage of the letter-writing form of your novel to give Nero a strong voice. It appears he's somewhat crazy, so when he describes things it's hard to tell whether he is exaggerating. But, as long as he thinks it's real, then it's real enough for the reader.

I like it and I'll back it.

Brian
Mute / The Centauri Generation

frightenly good. someone below called it controlled, and i agree.

This is rich writing of an alarming but quite believable scenario.
Difficult to find fault but I'll try: After your intro to Abiona, put the first two main paragraphs (about her) after your admittance of guilt ie. grab the reader from the beginning. (obviously some rewording needed)
Also in chap 3 you have 'past couple of days' then ' two consecutive days' - maybe make the first one 'forty-eight hours' to avoid the repetition.
Of course ignore if you disagree. I haven't bothered with too many platitudes as you don't need them. Your writing is above that.
Cheers,
Simon

This is a very unique work. You have chosen to tackle a story with a grand scope. There is so much to explore here on so many levels. Your fine writing makes me think you will accomplish much with this.

I absolutely adore the idea, and from what I have read, the execution is quite good. I definitely think this is publishable.

Well done and backed!

I love the use of the second person for the opening of this book, and naming the reader is a light touch of genius, which enhances the intimacy established by a person narrator. I could curl up with this.
I agree wholeheartedly with you as regards Martin Luther King, Ghandi and Bertrand Russell, whom I was fortunate enough to hear speak on the Aldermaston march.
I hope I shall one day be able to read this in print. Best wishes. Julia (Revolution I Love You)

THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW:

NW,

I don't think I could possibly set myself up as a critic of the writing of such as yourself. So I will confine my comment to the simplest of all praises: I think it's brilliant. It's the kind of book that could jolt me into a new way of thinking.
You have a smooth, persuasive, convincing tone that gives impetus to your words, and you had me realising that here was a writer who knew what he was talking about and deserves to be published.
And you can write.
What I loved about it most was that it made me realise that I have to start reading out of the box, and that I would enjoy it. And for that, I thank you.
Backed.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

LisaWB recommended your book to me and I'm mighty glad I dropped by. You certainly have a way with words that grips the reader and drags them on an incredible journey.

Sterling stuff.

Melxx
UNICORN
(crime/thriller)

"Here is to Zoe gobbled up by the Monster Truck." I dare say a sentence not written before. This is an amazing book, so dense with ideas, so fluid in expression. It's brilliant. I jumped ahead to sample something fresh. Even just jumping into a random chapter I immediately knew I was in a finely crafted world of epic proportions. There are three books in the series? Wow. Well done. Backed.

Kizgikate
The Sea Within

Talented writing that deserves to be backed. The descriptions and narration are excellent.
The cover is appropriate altogether the whole package is good.

Backed,

Lisa

Talented writing that deserves to be backed. The descriptions and narration are excellent.
The cover is appropriate altogether the whole package is good.

Backed,

Lisa

You certainly paint a vivid picture. mortar over a flourishing flower bed, i particularly enjoyed. I'm also drawn to this because you, like myself, seem to find writing in first person prose easy.
backed with pleasure.
Phil (Debutante)