What Lies Within

Hi Sarah, thanks for the comments and the backing. I have had a look at Song of the Siren and am intrigued by your characters and the premise of the story - What has happened to Michael and Jenna? Who is the pregnant neighbour? What did Rose mean about the house?
Watch your formatting - some paragraphs are indented, others blocked.
A good read though and I want to read more to find out what is going on.
Backed with pleasure
All the best
Audrey

What a fascinating idea for a story. I have started reading the first few chapters, and enjoyed how they were set out. I may make thi my next read on my kindle as you said it is on Amazon! Nice fast pace and a few surprises. Great work!
Sarah
Song of the Siren

What a fascinating idea for a story. I have started reading the first few chapters, and enjoyed how they were set out. I may make thi my next read on my kindle as you said it is on Amazon! Nice fast pace and a few surprises. Great work!
Sarah
Song of the Siren

Hi Audrey,
I've just finished four chapters of What Lies Within and thoroughly enjoyed reading them. I like the way the chapters are set out, so we follow Tom and his sister as the story unfolds, gaining both points of view. I was intrigued by the premise and love the idea of the key in the Bible, adds a real touch of excitement. The narrative flowed well and the tone engaging.
A couple of points I noticed - Bible should start with a capital I think....
I think the opening couple of sentences let the rest of the book down. The story is fast-paced and well-written but I think the opening would be better if the first sentence or two were scraped. In chapter two, the following sentence didn't make sense to me:- 'Tom was soon bleeding at he had been forced to lick his own blood from these boots' - should 'at' be 'as'?
I really enjoyed reading this and wish you luck with it.
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

Thank you so much for your kind words. Much appreciated

Audrey

Hooked immediately by the compelling premise. Drawn into that late 80s/early90s world when Kilroy was King of U.K. daytime TV. And the favourite show for any student meant to be studying. If the R & J bookclub is still going, I think you might have blown it with them, Audrey! Your depiction of the assault is visceral and unflinching. These are highly credible characters, inhabiting an everyday world, the kind found in a Nicci French thriller. I don't know the history of this book, or how high it's reached in the Autho rankings. All I know is that deserves to be up there in the top 100. On my watch list and highly starred. Lambert Nagle

Thanks for these comments John. Much appreciated
Audrey

Hello Audrey
Chaps 1-3.
Are you on the BHCG forum BTW?
This is very good thriller writing. What matters most for me is the plot-am I straining like a horse at the starting gate to find out more. Answer is Yes here. You are clearly well in control of the narrative and enticing the reader in superbly.
I start reading and always note down te first thing that upsets the rhythm of the flow-here it was not untill para 5 with 'before me' which sounds unnecessary.
Otherwise there's no hyperbole or excessive exposition. The prose is streamlined with few weak points. One thing I noticed was I didn't get the MCs name (I don't read the LPs very closely), I only noticed that after jotting down 'what do we know about her?' Not alot but not alot is needed-hair colour, likes a drink, not a header.
The Tom character works well as you create a negative feel about him in chap 1 that is contradicted, I feel, by his integrity and intrinsic interest in chap 2. That was good.
Great thriller, well sucked in and ready for the ride.
All the Best-6 stars, on WL for now.
John
Dropping Babies

Dear Audrey

I have just read the first four chapters of "What Lies Within" which is a well written thriller with quite a few surprises. I like the way your suspense builds slowly, and there are pieces of puzzle to be collected up.

Your narrative is straight and well ordered, though I felt that occasionally, while your descriptions are good, you might inject a little more feeling, to push the pace. Your dialogue is well judged and clever, and your characters are believable and well drawn. I do hope you persist with this.

All the best to you.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Dear Audrey

Hurray! Anyone who writes, "When Richard and Judy came on I lost the will to live..." gets my vote! I'm glad I'm not the only one....more soon.

Fran xx :)

Hello Audrey
Chaps 1-3.
Are you on the BHCG forum BTW?
This is very good thriller writing. What matters most for me is the plot-am I straining like a horse at the starting gate to find out more. Answer is Yes here. You are clearly well in control of the narrative and enticing the reader in superbly.
I start reading and always note down te first thing that upsets the rhythm of the flow-here it was not untill para 5 with 'before me' which sounds unnecessary.
Otherwise there's no hyperbole or excessive exposition. The prose is streamlined with few weak points. One thing I noticed was I didn't get the MCs name (I don't read the LPs very closely), I only noticed that after jotting down 'what do we know about her?' Not alot but not alot is needed-hair colour, likes a drink, not a header.
The Tom character works well as you create a negative feel about him in chap 1 that is contradicted, I feel, by his integrity and intrinsic interest in chap 2. That was good.
Great thriller, well sucked in and ready for the ride.
All the Best-6 stars, on WL for now.
John
Dropping Babies

[Hi Val, thanks for the comments and the backing. Very much appreciated.

Audrey

QUOTE] Hey Audrey, I like the read very much. It compels the reader's attention from the very beginning and holds it on throughout all the read. The shift of person also play in hand, making narration more dynamic. The unity of plot and style is well thought out. As far, as I understand, some cliches met in the text are a part of that style.
Just pay attention to:
1.Ch.1. " Puzzled, I rouse myself and wandered though (I'm assuming "through"?)..."
2.Ch.3. " But I knew the answer to that(: insert colon?) this was my fail-safe..." You can also make two sentences out of one.

Six stars and backed.
Best of luck

Val But
Escape

Hey Audrey, I like the read very much. It compels the reader's attention from the very beginning and holds it on throughout all the read. The shift of person also play in hand, making narration more dynamic. The unity of plot and style is well thought out. As far, as I understand, some cliches met in the text are a part of that style.
Just pay attention to:
1.Ch.1. " Puzzled, I rouse myself and wandered though (I'm assuming "through"?)..."
2.Ch.3. " But I knew the answer to that(: insert colon?) this was my fail-safe..." You can also make two sentences out of one.

Six stars and backed.
Best of luck

Val But
Escape

This story has a great hook to it ... three chapters read and I'm dying to know where the key comes from and which lock it fits. I'm also intrigued about Tom, what's he doing and whether he'll get out of his sticky situation ... shall def read on to find out.

Liking this a lot Audrey.

Mick

Hooked immediately by the compelling premise. Drawn into that late 80s/early90s world when Kilroy was King of U.K. daytime TV. And the favourite show for any student meant to be studying. If the R & J bookclub is still going, I think you might have blown it with them, Audrey! Your depiction of the assault is visceral and unflinching. These are highly credible characters, inhabiting an everyday world, the kind found in a Nicci French thriller. I don't know the history of this book, or how high it's reached in the Autho rankings. All I know is that deserves to be up there in the top 100. On my watch list and highly starred. Lambert Nagle

Hi Audrey,

I had a read of your first chapter here. My first thought is that I would agree with Rob - putting the first paragraph in italics would help separate it from the rest of the text.

The exclamation point at the end of the first sentence feels too excitable to me. We don't have any reason as readers yet to know what this man with the gun means, and personally I feel exclamation marks used anywhere except dialogue look wrong. That might just be me though!

I also don't have much of a feel for your MC from this chapter. She's young, I can tell that much, but I think I know more about her brother than her. You could try expanding more on why she's at home watching daytime television instead of at work, and why it's normal for her to be in a pub before midday. These sound like interesting details and could grow your character :)

I like the idea of the key hidden within the book and the mysterious address on the front. The story has a very clear focus - what is this key leading to, and where is Tom? You've definitely got a very interesting plot here.

KT

Hi Rob, thanks for the helpful feedback and for the backing.

All lthe best!

Audrey

Hi Audrey:

Solid writing here combined with an interesting story. One minor suggestion, if I may. I wonder if you might consider putting that very first paragraph in italics to allow the present action to be suspended in time; otherwise it seems the reflection about the parcel delays too long the immediacy of the opening. Good luck with this.

Rob

Hi Audrey:

Solid writing here combined with an interesting story. One minor suggestion, if I may. I wonder if you might consider putting that very first paragraph in italics to allow the present action to be suspended in time; otherwise it seems the reflection about the parcel delays too long the immediacy of the opening. Good luck with this.

Rob

There are numerous comments here which have no doubt been helpful to you so I won't repeat them again here. I liked this, nice pace, easy to read, not my usual genre but enough to keep me turning pages. I've read to five so far, my only slight comment in chapter one is the time it takes to decide whether to open the parcel doesn't really seem very long - one minute the lead character can't then almost instantly does - unless the Kilroy to Richard and judy is a long time?!
Nice to see some more typically British writing, well done, starred and on the watchlist reading to be shelved when I get some space.
All the best
Jonathan

It seems polite to check out someone who has backed 'Who's The Fool' and I'm very glad I did. This ticks all my boxes for a good book - begins well, ends well and seems to keep it up in the middle. I shall enjoy reading it properly in published form. Good luck

The easy and at times casual dialogue fits this contemporary work. As a result the pace is good and a degree of intrigue keeps the reader curious.
From what I've read this story seems in capable hands, it flows well and is surely a draw to lovers of this genre. I see you already have plenty of helpful comments so the best I can do is star it and put it on my shelf. Margaret.

Hi Jim, thanks for the backing, really appreciated!

Audrey

Hi Audrey! To the point...enjoyed! Happily backed.

jim

Hi Raechel, thank you so much for the positive feedback on What Lies Within. a backing would be aprreciated if you think it worthy.
I've added Echo to my WL and will get back to you with some feedback soon
thanks and all the best
Audrey

What Lies Within
Fiction; POV multiple - 1st person & 3rd

I was drawn to read through Ch 3 and will only comment to that extent. Pages turn themselves in this book. It is engaging and interesting from the first word.

Pitch - both short & long are intriguing and well done

Plot - Well supported with action=reaction sequenses. The mystery and suspense are introduced in the first paragraph and carried on through Ch 3 with a compelling style.

POV - The author uses a series of shifts from chapter to chapter. 1st person in Ch 1, 3rd in Ch 2 and back to 1st in Ch 3. I assume it goes on in this manner through the book. The power of the shifts maintain a suspense and keep the reader engaged. Each character is experiencing the world in a different place. This is more effective than staying in the same POV. The reader is told a broader story than the characters know. IMO, it works! (I use the same technique in Echo, btw) I followed the changes through Ch 3 without any trouble. (I cannot comment beyond what I've read).

Characters are very believable. The MC is a regular gal and she's curious enough to get her into trouble. The brother, Tom is facing a terrible future. What will happen to him? The bad guys are really BAD! So the conflicts are very compelling.

Mechanics- very clean (I noted one small typo - When Tom starts bleeding in Ch 2. AND had to lick the blood from the boots. Not 'at')

Market- The mystery genre is well recieved and I think this book would be wildly welcomed.

Overall - It is a very compelling piece. IMO, ready for publication. Holding on my WL until a space opens on my shelf for a LONG stay. Well done! Bravo!

Raechel
Echo

Bill, thanks for taking the time to read and comment on What Lies Within. A backing would certainly be appreciated if you think it worthy.
I've added The Doctor to my WL and I'll get back to you in due course.
all the best
Audrey

Dear Audrey,

Your pitch intrigued me and I read Chapter 1 of WHAT LIES WITHIN. Then Chapters 2, 3, and on through 15. From Pat's initial encounter with Davie (later revealed as the man with the gun) through the cobweb of further relationships and the revelation of Pat's sexual preference, I found the tale compelling, the characters vivid, and the action and emotions well described. Davie's having a love affair with the gangster's wife he was hired to trail is a clever complication, and the mystery of the hollowed-out Bibles builds suspense on suspense. Altogether a fascinating read, and I plan to recommend and back it.

I have only one criticism, maybe just a matter of opinion. To me it seems illogical to tell some of the story in 1st person and other parts as universal author. This often contributes to a bit of confusion as to which character you're talking about. You might consider using a transitional device, such as naming each chapter or section "Pat," "Tom," "Pat," "Davie," etc. Mystery readers like to be puzzled, but not by the writing itself.

Back to reading your exciting, graphic, captivating novel,

Bill Carrigan
THE DOCTOR OF SUMMITVILLE

Thanks for taking the time to have a look at what Lies Within and for your helpful comments.
All the best
Audrey

i liked your pitch but got bogged down in the heavy, slow-moving background info you use to start the chapter. i'd suggest beginning with something more active- it doesn't need to be explosive, just a scene where we get to see your mc interacting with the other characters. i was really turned off by the exclamation point in your first line and i think the phrase 'it all started with...' is so overused as to be a cliche.

these are just my opinions and you should feel free to ignore them if they're not helpful.

if you want to edit your chapters on this site, just make sure your word count never drops below 10000 words. this means adding chapters and then deleting the old ones.

good luck.

Hi Audrey! To the point...enjoyed! Happily backed.

jim

Love your pitch! Can't wait to read the entire story! In the meantime, I have placed you on my watchlist. I hope that you will give my novel "Ana Grace - A Heart's Journey" a look and a possible spin on your shelves. Thanks in advance!

What Lies Within
Fiction; POV multiple - 1st person & 3rd

I was drawn to read through Ch 3 and will only comment to that extent. Pages turn themselves in this book. It is engaging and interesting from the first word.

Pitch - both short & long are intriguing and well done

Plot - Well supported with action=reaction sequenses. The mystery and suspense are introduced in the first paragraph and carried on through Ch 3 with a compelling style.

POV - The author uses a series of shifts from chapter to chapter. 1st person in Ch 1, 3rd in Ch 2 and back to 1st in Ch 3. I assume it goes on in this manner through the book. The power of the shifts maintain a suspense and keep the reader engaged. Each character is experiencing the world in a different place. This is more effective than staying in the same POV. The reader is told a broader story than the characters know. IMO, it works! (I use the same technique in Echo, btw) I followed the changes through Ch 3 without any trouble. (I cannot comment beyond what I've read).

Characters are very believable. The MC is a regular gal and she's curious enough to get her into trouble. The brother, Tom is facing a terrible future. What will happen to him? The bad guys are really BAD! So the conflicts are very compelling.

Mechanics- very clean (I noted one small typo - When Tom starts bleeding in Ch 2. AND had to lick the blood from the boots. Not 'at')

Market- The mystery genre is well recieved and I think this book would be wildly welcomed.

Overall - It is a very compelling piece. IMO, ready for publication. Holding on my WL until a space opens on my shelf for a LONG stay. Well done! Bravo!

Raechel
Echo

Dear Audrey,

Your pitch intrigued me and I read Chapter 1 of WHAT LIES WITHIN. Then Chapters 2, 3, and on through 15. From Pat's initial encounter with Davie (later revealed as the man with the gun) through the cobweb of further relationships and the revelation of Pat's sexual preference, I found the tale compelling, the characters vivid, and the action and emotions well described. Davie's having a love affair with the gangster's wife he was hired to trail is a clever complication, and the mystery of the hollowed-out Bibles builds suspense on suspense. Altogether a fascinating read, and I plan to recommend and back it.

I have only one criticism, maybe just a matter of opinion. To me it seems illogical to tell some of the story in 1st person and other parts as universal author. This often contributes to a bit of confusion as to which character you're talking about. You might consider using a transitional device, such as naming each chapter or section "Pat," "Tom," "Pat," "Davie," etc. Mystery readers like to be puzzled, but not by the writing itself.

Back to reading your exciting, graphic, captivating novel,

Bill Carrigan
THE DOCTOR OF SUMMITVILLE

i liked your pitch but got bogged down in the heavy, slow-moving background info you use to start the chapter. i'd suggest beginning with something more active- it doesn't need to be explosive, just a scene where we get to see your mc interacting with the other characters. i was really turned off by the exclamation point in your first line and i think the phrase 'it all started with...' is so overused as to be a cliche.

these are just my opinions and you should feel free to ignore them if they're not helpful.

if you want to edit your chapters on this site, just make sure your word count never drops below 10000 words. this means adding chapters and then deleting the old ones.

good luck.

Hello, Audrey. Love your genre. Placing on my WL for now. Looking forward. Looks like a fun read.

blessings,
jim

Hu Dwayne, thatnks for the comment and the backing. Greatly appreciated
Good luck
Audrey

Hey Audrey....I have to say, I enjoyed this first chapter. You set the heart of the story pounding with big man with a gun, which is then dismissed and you move on to to a-day-in-the-life of Tom's sister...the whole thing moves so damn quickly that I didn't have time to pull away...nicely done. I think you've done a great job building out the sister's characteristics and loved her voice....great! The mystery...with the big man, who ths sisters is, whos tom is, what's in the package, what's the Bible all about, what door does the key open= Awesome!

I will try to read more, but I have a long list of reads to tackle.

I will get you up on the shelf in the next roation. 6 stars for you....and for this excellent first chapter.

Cheers,
Dwayne
A Killer's Kind

Hey Audrey....I have to say, I enjoyed this first chapter. You set the heart of the story pounding with big man with a gun, which is then dismissed and you move on to to a-day-in-the-life of Tom's sister...the whole thing moves so damn quickly that I didn't have time to pull away...nicely done. I think you've done a great job building out the sister's characteristics and loved her voice....great! The mystery...with the big man, who ths sisters is, whos tom is, what's in the package, what's the Bible all about, what door does the key open= Awesome!

I will try to read more, but I have a long list of reads to tackle.

I will get you up on the shelf in the next roation. 6 stars for you....and for this excellent first chapter.

Cheers,
Dwayne
A Killer's Kind

Hey Audrey....I have to say, I enjoyed this first chapter. You set the heart of the story pounding with big man with a gun, which is then dismissed and you move on to to a-day-in-the-life of Tom's sister...the whole thing moves so damn quickly that I didn't have time to pull away...nicely done. I think you've done a great job building out the sister's characteristics and loved her voice....great! The mystery...with the big man, who ths sisters is, who tom is, what's in the package, what's the Bible all about, what door does the key open= Awesome!

I will try to read more, but I have a long list of reads to tackle.

I will get you up on the shelf in the next roation. 6 stars for you....and for this excellent first chapter.

Cheers,
Dwayne
A Killer's Kind

All, thank you so much for taking the time to give me the detailed feedback. I will certainly take this on board. Although I probably won't risk editing the online version - I've read too many horror stories.

All the best
Audrey

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. An engaging main character. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Your opening line hooked me. Consider dropping the exclamation mark. The line is powerful enough without it.
2) Hyphenate 'hand delivered.'
3) ' ... and looked up and down the stair ... ' 'Stair' should be 'stairs.'
4) 'Well, we're hardly joined at the hip ... ' 'Joined at the hip' is cliche. Consider a more original way of saying the same thing.
5) 'He always turned up again, like a bad penny.' 'Like a bad penny' is cliche. Consider using a more unique similie.
6) ' ... or say three Hail Mary's or ... ' Mary's (possessive) should be Marys (plural).
7) 'Someone was going to hell in a handcart for this I thought.' 'Going to hell in a handcart' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way. Also, comma after 'this.'
8) 'Must be for a big, old lock.' I thought. Comma after 'lock.'
9) "Everything all right gents?" Comma after 'right.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
10) "Usual is it?" She asked. 'She' should be lowercase. 'She asked' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
11) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a fabulous day.

Al

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. An engaging main character. Good descriptions. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Your opening line hooked me. Consider dropping the exclamation mark. The line is powerful enough without it.
2) Hyphenate 'hand delivered.'
3) ' ... and looked up and down the stair ... ' 'Stair' should be 'stairs.'
4) 'Well, we're hardly joined at the hip ... ' 'Joined at the hip' is cliche. Consider a more original way of saying the same thing.
5) 'He always turned up again, like a bad penny.' 'Like a bad penny' is cliche. Consider using a more unique similie.
6) ' ... or say three Hail Mary's or ... ' Mary's (possessive) should be Marys (plural).
7) 'Someone was going to hell in a handcart for this I thought.' 'Going to hell in a handcart' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way. Also, comma after 'this.'
8) 'Must be for a big, old lock.' I thought. Comma after 'lock.'
9) "Everything all right gents?" Comma after 'right.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
10) "Usual is it?" She asked. 'She' should be lowercase. 'She asked' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name).
11) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a fabulous day.

Al

Hi Tom, thanks for the comments, really appreciate it. Would love a backing if you felt able

Thanks

Audrey

Hi Audrey-

'What lies within'

read this early this morning and made notes.
love your pitch.full of intrigue, certainly makes one want to read more, and to discover the secret of the bible key.

the writing is good. short , sharp and crisp and it carries one along at a nice pace; and wanting to read more.
As Tom is kicked on the floor ; one shudders.

read six chapters and then more at random to get a further flavour of the book, its holds up well.

You are a good storyteller and i could see this making a good T V thriller.

I found it to be an engrossing read , atmospheric in a way, as it moves along with it's nice writing style.

tom bye-
from hugs to kisses'
please glance at mine and if you like it comment or back, thanks.

Hi Walden, thanks for the comments on What Lies Within. I would really appreciate a backing if you felt it worthy

Good Luck

Audrey

Audrey,
I read the first chapter to What Lies Within and was very curious about the strange parcel addressed to Tom which Pat couldn't pull herself away from opening. Pat's thoughts and feelings are vividly conveyed while she's contemplating opening it. The key she finds inside the Bible is very mysterious and Pat's journey into the unknown seems to have begun. How it will change her life forever is unclear at this point as it should be. The element of suspense needed to hold the reader's interest throughout the narrative is present in these opening paragraphs. Few writers can convey the protagonist's thought processes so well and create a character the reader wants to follow as the mystery of the story unravels. This is one I wish I had more time to read.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Audrey,
I read the first chapter to What Lies Within and was very curious about the strange parcel addressed to Tom which Pat couldn't pull herself away from opening. Pat's thoughts and feelings are vividly conveyed while she's contemplating opening it. The key she finds inside the Bible is very mysterious and Pat's journey into the unknown seems to have begun. How it will change her life forever is unclear at this point as it should be. The element of suspense needed to hold the reader's interest throughout the narrative is present in these opening paragraphs. Few writers can convey the protagonist's thought processes so well and create a character the reader wants to follow as the mystery of the story unravels. This is one I wish I had more time to read.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi Audrey-

'What lies within'

read this early this morning and made notes.
love your pitch.full of intrigue, certainly makes one want to read more, and to discover the secret of the bible key.

the writing is good. short , sharp and crisp and it carries one along at a nice pace; and wanting to read more.
As Tom is kicked on the floor ; one shudders.

read six chapters and then more at random to get a further flavour of the book, its holds up well.

You are a good storyteller and i could see this making a good T V thriller.

I found it to be an engrossing read , atmospheric in a way, as it moves along with it's nice writing style.

tom bye-
from hugs to kisses'
please glance at mine and if you like it comment or back, thanks.

Audrey,
I’ve been reading ‘What lies within’ and as soon as I have shelf space then I’ll be happy to back you. This is a good story and I love the way you drop in little asides (like ‘you could have someone’s eye out with a carefully placed blow from a chair’) to lighten the mood.
One or two comments have mentioned that this could be an early draft and certainly this could be edited back considerably without any real loss in terms of quality or storyline.
Good luck with this project. Happy to back it.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

Just breezed through chapters 4 and 5. I love how this story is coming together! I love your ability to effortlessly introduce a new perspective. You dropped him into a unique situation, and before I could wonder if this took away from the plot, I was hooked. I don't know too many authors who can do that. Nicely done.

Hello, Audrey. I've just finished reading What Lies Within and thoroughly enjoyed it. I was a little confused over the names (Pat vs. Tricia and Dave vs. Davie), but overall the book was well-written and made for a fast read. At the end of each chapter, I was anxious to find out what happened next, which is the sign of a good book and good ways to end chapters. Thank you and I hope you'll enjoy Second Chances when you have some time.

Marie Everett

What Lie Within

Hello Audrey,

I've been reading this for a few days now and now think I've read enough to be able to offer a comment. I'm a bit of an old-timer on this site, a dinosaur if you like from a time when people actually offered legitimate and supportive comments and not simply kindly blather. You clearly have a fast-paced story here waiting to be told, the elements of a thriller are in place, although I do think you have some genre confusion going on here. Chick Lit and thriller aren't necessarily natural bedfellows, romance in a thriller is fine, but I think you are going to have to decide which genre is the major theme and pitch for that one pretty soon.

Your writing style is disarmingly readable, it is unpretentious which is good, but in places it feels very unpolished and first draft-like. There are quite a few hackneyed and well used idioms that have the effect of flattening your writing, making the potentially interesting duller. I suggest you spice some of these up, for example he always turned up again like a bad penny, Tom is an intriguing character, don't miss this opportunity to add something a little more exotic as a way of referring to his mysterious habits.

I think you need to look carefully at the first three lines, great as a provider of tension, but then you do not offer any resolution to the conflict they offer in the next few chapters. This is plain old teasing and I found it annoying. Starting that way also immediately distanced us from the action because we were being told stuff that had happened in the past, rather than plunging us into the present. I think the scene where Tom gets beaten up needs a real look at. It didn't feel authentic, the bad guys seemed stereotypical, Tom's gung-ho attitude seemed to belong to Roger Moore portrayal of James Bond rather than any real guy in those circumstances.

This sounds all bad reading it back, but it isn't, there is an honesty and urgency to your storytelling that is impressive, you are enthusiastic to get on with things and this shows, but my bet is you are early in the first draft here as some of the turns of phrase seem to be as they fell out of your head that first time and I think they need to be re-looked at and explored some more. Nothing wrong in really getting into the iterative process, writing, re-writing, re-writing, I know many professional authors do between 10-15 drafts.

I like your simply, no-nonsense style and I will support your book on my shelf from June 5 through June 12, I hope at least some of what I've written here is useful.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
Benevolence

Hi. You have all the elements of intrigue here. A missing man, a mysterious parcel, a key.... and we're off..... and you end chapter one with her going to the chapel. We, of course, have to go along too, so there you have your page turner. Liking it so far. I had one quibble and that was with the beginning. That first line almost put me off reading on. A very serious and frightening occurrence (a man with a gun at the door) is reduced to:
**A big man, with a big gun.** which put me in mind of a child telling a policeman what had happened. It set the wrong tone for me. Might just be me, of course, but because of the wording, it has no impact of fear or surprise, and is reduced to almost nothing. I did read on, and was almost surprised to find an adult, intelligent narrator instead of a child or someone with a kind of simple mind.

I like the personal, almost chatty style of the writing, so we feel we are there with the narrator, and she's a likeable sort of person. I shall put in on my wathclist and read on to see where it goes.
Cariad.

Audrey, this is lovely! Very nice writing.
In the second para, I think there are a few minor extra words.

It had arrived three days ago.
Would be better without the word 'had'.

the postman wouldn't be here for hours yet,
I would remove the word 'yet'.

So, I think there are a few minor extra words in places like that, but overall, your story is lovely, engaging, and makes me want to come back for more. Very good!!

Monicque :)

After three chapters, you've built quite a fascinating mystery. I had only intended to read the first chapter, but I really wanted to know more about the key. Much to my dismay, the second chapter didn't have a single answer for me. Instead, it created even more unanswered questions. Ultimately, I found myself at the end of chapter 3 and realized I'd missed dinner. Thanks a lot. ;)

With that said, your writing is compelling and the story is addicting. I love novels that leave me hanging at the end of chapters and asking questions throughout. Great job!

I also love that you took a risk on writing two different perspectives, one of which is first person. As I continue to read, I'll have to see if it continues to sit well with me, but right now, you've done an excellent job with both.

enjoyed to read it!

fantastic book!

Have read the the first three chapters think it's great cant wait to find out more.
Christian Murray. - Backed

[Kenneth, thank you for your kind comments. Iw ould realy appreciate a backing to help me boost my ranking.
Thanks again and good luck
Audrey

QUOTE] Audrey,
"What Lies Within" has all the right ingredients of a superb thriller. Meticulously detailed with a clear, uncompromising prose, the pace proceeds with the speed and cadence of a quickened pulse. Your first person POV put me in the moment, experiencing the action/scenes you describe so well. I also noted an undercurrent of humour blending well with the danger and distress. Thank you for delivering up a tasty concoction for the eclectic reader in me.

Kennetyh Edward Lim
The North Korean

Audrey,
"What Lies Within" has all the right ingredients of a superb thriller. Meticulously detailed with a clear, uncompromising prose, the pace proceeds with the speed and cadence of a quickened pulse. Your first person POV put me in the moment, experiencing the action/scenes you describe so well. I also noted an undercurrent of humour blending well with the danger and distress. Thank you for delivering up a tasty concoction for the eclectic reader in me.

Kennetyh Edward Lim
The North Korean

Audrey,
This is an addictive read, great premise, super end of chapter hooks and a feisty little MC. I like the way you use different POV's in alternate chapters as it adds to the intrigue, knowing things that Pat doesn't. I've just got to the end of ch5 and she's about to open the door...well I can't stop reading now...
High starred and on my list to back in June, when current obligations are fulfilled.
Best of luck.
Babs

Hi Babs, thanks so much for your kind comments on What Lies Within, a backing would certainly be appreciated since I have gone into freefall!
I have had a look at Mrs Jones and love it. Only read one chapter so far, but I am definitely intrigued by Lizzie and her predicament, looking forward to reading more. Backed with pleasure

All the best
Audrey