SHADOWS

Interesting read, and from what I read (chapter 1), you do a remarkable job of depicting the mental jumble that depression can be.
It was a slow start for me, since I prefer books that tell clear stories, and I couldn't tell for quite a while where it was going, but I absolutely loved how your narration became more concrete once she had that timetable in her hands! That sort of technique -matching the writing to the events- takes subtlety, and you've used it well. No time to read the rest, but backed! Good luck.

~Karilyn
Garden of Souls

This is an absorbing piece of writing we hope to find a chink of light to give her hope but there is none its all more of the same and the effort is incredably hard to make. We are drawn in by the dismay of your MC and the desperation of depression. There are some long paragraphs here and there but they lend themselves to the subject. Your writing flows easily and you add great deatil to allow us to understand.

Sue Mackender

Knowing Liam Riley

You do a great job of speaking out of Patti's head, almost as though this were a memoir. There are some sentence structure problems, possibly because you're writing in a second language (?) or being translated. A good linguist could help you with this, and in truth it doesn't come up a lot. There's a point where you break the fourth wall and acknowledge that your character has readers, which is somewhat understood in first-person, and actually saying it is a bit jarring. The writing is quite good though, and you have a compelling premise, so I'm happy to back it for you.
Craig
The Job

I discovered this book on Crazy Mama's book shelf. What a find! Your writing is superb. The beginning start with why we are all here is perfect! The unfolding of self reflection in short and long sentences, and movement and not.
Without a doubt this book needs an audience.
A zoomer
Going Out in Style

Shadow

What a captivating opening, was a little worried it was going to be a tiny bit depressing, however there was always that element of optimism, that was so good.
You are a shaman of words – Good luck

This is a good read although not really my thing. I wish you luck with it though. Gerry

This is a wonderful premise, and the prose is taut and well-paced. My only criticism would be the punctuation. As the commenter below says, an incorrect comma can drag the reader out of the flow and leave them stranded.

Beyond that tiny nitpick, this is great work!
Backed with pleasure,
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules were made to be broken." -Relic

This story is awesome, but the punctuation needs a lot of work (especially as you use commas to separate sentences) and I think you could tighten this up a bit. I loved the voice, and I thought you carried a good amount of emotion through the first chapter. The pace was a little slow *for me* but that doesn't mean it's wrong for it's target audience. Excellent premise.
I think you should try a writers site like www.critiquecircle.com for some tips on how you can tighten this up.
I'm WLing this and will back it on my next shelf rotation.
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

I liked this story because it describes what depression feels like from the inside out, yet also includes a sense that things could change and get better so it's not depressing to read. I think that was a thin line to walk but you've done it well. The detail you use to describe scenes is also well done. Made this a very interesting story to read. BAcked. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Captivating thoughts!

Hi Zehra, I think there is no question that you are destined to be writer. I think you capture how we all walk a fine line between life's two realities extremely well. Making her mother an excentric artist type allows us to see what society accepts as eccentric as opposed to crossing over to the other side of no longer sane. It makes it very real to the reader for we have all had our question of "sanity or Not" I backed and will come back...I think you can clarify the first chapter a little so it doesn't have to be reread so many times before you find the flow and can follow the rest of the story but it is fantastic..Patricia Layers of the Heart..Backed happily I thank you for backing my book and look forward to your input

I am usually reluctant to select a book lik ethis for fear it will depress me but this is a beautiful book! So well written and with such a strong voice. I have worked in psychiatry for many years and this is so realistic in it's depth and dispair but also in its hope for a better tomorrow - I can feel the strength in the prose! BACKED and will come back to read more later!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi Zehra - great stuff! Initially, I was confused, but then I realised that this was a confused mind I was listening to. The boiling kettle -- her watching it shake and rattle -- was a touch of genius. You are a shaman of words. Backed.
Best wishes, barry (Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Hi Zehra - great stuff! Initially, I was confused, but then I realised that this was a confused mind I was listening to. The boiling kettle -- her watching it shake and rattle -- was a touch of genius. You are a shaman of words. Backed.
Best wishes, barry (Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Thank you, I've put yours on my watch list.
Zehra

You have captured the feelings of confusion and depair mixed in with everyday things so very well. You have managed to show what she is thinking and what is actually happening... not an easy task by any means. You really do have a great writing voice which holds the reader. I love the 'woe is me' phrase, and her inner demons, two phrases that most people connect with no matter what their situation. I am keeping this on my watchlist to carry on reading. I wish you the very best of luck with your book. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

You have captured the feelings of confusion and depair mixed in with everyday things so very well. You have managed to show what she is thinking and what is actually happening... not an easy task by any means. You really do have a great writing voice which holds the reader. I love the 'woe is me' phrase, and her inner demons, two phrases that most people connect with no matter what their situation. I am keeping this on my watchlist to carry on reading. I wish you the very best of luck with your book. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

Very powerful and nicely written. I wish you the very best. Best Regards, Jedward (Knut)

Thank yo so much for the support and encourgement , I wish you all the best too.
Zehra

Zehra, I loved this. The writing is powerful and eloquent., and the subject matter interests me greatly. My very first book I wrote over 30 years ago was about a schizophrenic, also concentrating on her relationship with her mother and other family members. I enjoyed writing it as I feel you have enjoyed yours. I think some publishers found mine too introspective so although it attracted a bursary and an agent it is still unpublished to this day (it also has 'shadows' in the title, though I have an alternative title for it too!). But I wish you every success with yours. If books were published for literary merit then this one should be.
Backed with pleasure
Kati Jane (Little Guide to Unhip)

Zehra, I loved this. The writing is powerful and eloquent., and the subject matter interests me greatly. My very first book I wrote over 30 years ago was about a schizophrenic, also concentrating on her relationship with her mother and other family members. I enjoyed writing it as I feel you have enjoyed yours. I think some publishers found mine too introspective so although it attracted a bursary and an agent it is still unpublished to this day (it also has 'shadows' in the title, though I have an alternative title for it too!). But I wish you every success with yours. If books were published for literary merit then this one should be.
Backed with pleasure
Kati Jane (Little Guide to Unhip)

This is powerful, strong writing. I like it very much. A bit of editing needed here and there for its/it's confusion, but otherwise this first chapter is great.

Amanda

Thank you Chuck, means a lot.
Zehra

Literary fiction at its best. Why? Because the first person introspection reveals thoughts not often shared concerning the wants and hopes of a character. The repeat of "truth ...stranger than fiction" adds an interesting expansion feature to the plot. Backed Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Thank you Chuck, means a lot.
Zehra

Literary fiction at its best. Why? Because the first person introspection reveals thoughts not often shared concerning the wants and hopes of a character. The repeat of "truth ...stranger than fiction" adds an interesting expansion feature to the plot. Backed Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Thank you Chuck, means a lot.
Zehra

Literary fiction at its best. Why? Because the first person introspection reveals thoughts not often shared concerning the wants and hopes of a character. The repeat of "truth ...stranger than fiction" adds an interesting expansion feature to the plot. Backed Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Literary fiction at its best. Why? Because the first person introspection reveals thoughts not often shared concerning the wants and hopes of a character. The repeat of "truth ...stranger than fiction" adds an interesting expansion feature to the plot. Backed Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

I like this one. Not an easy subject to do, without overdoing it. There's a fine line.

backed

Lorrii

I find a lot of my errors are created when I blindly run it through spell check and everything become muddled up. I do know the difference between its and it's.

Interesting story that could do with a little fine tuning. At times it gets a little rambly. I had no trouble seeing the scene you are painting, but I think it's just a tad overdone. There is a lot to love though.

It's and its.

If you remember it's is short for it is. You tend to use the wrong version.
The kettle... Pouring (it's) its hot liquid.

Think you have a great story here. I think I know every inch of Greenwich Park and it's good to be able to visualise it in a story.
Happy to support this.
Best wishes
Sue

Interesting story that could do with a little fine tuning. At times it gets a little rambly. I had no trouble seeing the scene you are painting, but I think it's just a tad overdone. There is a lot to love though.

It's and its.

If you remember it's is short for it is. You tend to use the wrong version.
The kettle... Pouring (it's) its hot liquid.

Think you have a great story here. I think I know every inch of Greenwich Park and it's good to be able to visualise it in a story.
Happy to support this.
Best wishes
Sue

Shadows

Very deep and contemplative. Good sense of the inner self. Needs an edit for unnecessary words and proper use of 'it's ' and 'its' but the voice is very quiet, very good. Backed. -Barb

Hello Zehra, this is astounding in that there are not many books like this and, I think, it's a courageous and often funny book about - dare we said it? - madness. It reminds me of Erich Fromm's 'The Sane Society' where he claims there are no mad people, just a mad society and some of Patti's encounters and observations prove the point: 'I think some of these women should be examined under a microscope in a high security facility and never let out!'
Her distant, self-absorbed mother couldn't have helped her condition and you capture her in a concise way - more interested in her own needs, walled off from her children, the forbidden art studio, the complicated verbal communication. I like the observation where we're to feel ashamed for going to the cinema on our own. How mad is that? Excellent and BACKED.
Please take a look at mine if you have the time. Chris1

very convincing voice. sad, bleak but with just a touch of tenderness
reading on and backing with pleasure
good luck

SHADOWS ~ ZEHRA MUSTAFA


Stream of consciousness and interior monolgue are exhaustive literary techniques which I thought you used quite convincingly in the beginning of your work. Clearly they were the ramblings of a person with deep psychological wounds written in almost poetic style. As I read on, and your writing became more cohesive, I became aware of technical flaws in punctuation, noun/pronoun-verb agreement, and awkward wording that took away from the beauty of your prose. Examples:

"The way that a mother watches their baby's head..." (their should be her).
"Fact become mixed up with tales..." (should be "becomes").
"Every one of us hold..." (should be "holds").
"A scream sounds from another room..." ("sounds" is awkward; maybe emanated?)
"She's started taking her medication..." (She's=she is; remove possessive contraction).
"'...she's not even moving her eyes,' he was crying now." ("He was crying now" is a complete sentence and should be separated from the quote by a period. There were others like this.

You've got an important story to tell that should be heard, but it needs a bit of editing before it can become publishable. Hope this helped.

Isabel

“Rewards of the fruitful kind”? I don’t know what that means.

“But as you can already tell…” actually, I couldn’t. If anything, I got the impression that she did know what was wrong, just that she felt defeated by it.

I’m really enjoying your voice and your visuals. But the punctuation flubs are distracting and break up the flow. Not the only one but “it’s” is “it is” and “its” is ‘belonging to it’.

This rambling, the ruminations themselves really bring me into her mental state and it’s very authentic. I wish I didn’t know that but it really is.

“Except for the light” not “accept”. “Your mother” not “you’re”. “Glass-half-full” unless something has changed on me.

Other than mundane errors, this really is fantastic writing. Very powerful, moving, and true. Backed resoundingly.

Leah Petersen – Mourn the Sun

As people have said, this is very intense and somewhat bleak. Good writing though. Backed.

Regards,
Kevin Clark
(Will of God)

Zehra, I've looked at your first chapter. Very good writing, with nuggets like [I ransack my moth-bitten memory]. Who wouldn't back this book? Heartily backed.

Regards,

Joffrey

Hi Zehra,
Very intense and thought provoking writing.
I like the narration as it brings you right in close to the character. Just general editing is needed which is something we all have to do.

I hope you have the time to read 'Love in No-Man's Land'

Backed with pleasure.
All the very best with you book.
Warm regards,
Manolya xx
Love in No-Man's Land

Wow. Tough world you bring us into -- really feels bleak. Heart-wrenching stuff. There is something so spare about it - I would take that further and in your re-writes, go through every word and decide whether it adds to this or is excessive. I must have done that 30 times and my work could still benefit. This has a punch to it and I think you could intensify that even more. I like it!

Wow. Tough world you bring us into -- really feels bleak. Heart-wrenching stuff. There is something so spare about it - I would take that further and in your re-writes, go through every word and decide whether it adds to this or is excessive. I must have done that 30 times and my work could still benefit. This has a punch to it and I think you could intensify that even more. I like it!

Intense and interesting.
A careful edit -
pitch needs adjusting:
spelling mistake in tags
skirts, jackets and scarf?
Stuff like that just jumped out ...

Zehra,
I'm wondering if you really need the repetition of plummets in your short and long pitch? but beyond that I think it a magnetic premise - especially to those post grads who can't find a job/etc. = which there must be a ton of these days. Marketing! heh.
That John and Patti fretting is so very sad. the helplessness ...ugh.
Not sure why everytime I read/hear/have heard someone mention Watchmen, I feel justified for all those hours of reading comic books. I probably shouldn't...but just recently when I finished The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao I felt the same/similar as when I just now see it mentioned in yours.
Actually something about your work besides the Watchmen comment is making me think of Junot Diaz...hm.
Best of luck to you!
-=Bradley

Here for our swap :)
I'm not a nit-picking reviewer, I'm afraid bc I don't feel confident enough - but I see that you are getting some help with the technicalities. I rely on my editor for support, not sure what I'd do without him :) I recommend JD Revene to you and I see you've already had a review from Ravenscar - both excellent at crits.
I feel you have a great premise here, and I really enjoyed your opening. This is a very emotive tale and Papatya a character I found easy to root for. I think maybe many of us go through some of things she feels, to a greater or lesser degree, so in that respect, she feels very real. You do a good job of establishing her world as she sees it. I wish you luck with this and am putting it on my shelf.
Bests,
AP
(The Awesome Adventures of Matty McDuff)

Thank you so much with the help, will try to sort them out. The narrator is always Papatya.
Zehra

Stunning first chapter. It has such a universal feel to it, such literary qualities. Absolutely backed. Below are my thoughts and nits as I read. I have to admit I got sucked in as the chapter went on, and by the end I was pretty much just reading instead of critiquing.


Wonderful chapter header.

“…deterioration fast…” This, I think, is not grammatically correct. I understand the narrator may speak and think like this, but I just wanted to point it out, since it’s the first sentence of the story.

I like the stream-of-consciousness style to this.

“…maybe deterioration, that’s more like it…” You used the word Deteriorating in the first sentence, but the narrator acts as if he just thought it up at this point. Maybe refer to the first sentence here? Something like, “…no, that’s too dramatic. Deterioration. Deterioration was correct.” Something like that?

“Not that I really know who they really are…” Could stand to lose at least one ‘really’ in this sentence, probably both.

“… maybe it’s that maddening sound that the kettle is making…” I really like this part.

“a mother watches their baby’s…” I think should be “…watches her baby’s…”

“…pouring its burning hot liquid all over me…” I had trouble visualizing that. Is he beneath it? Perhaps ‘spattering’ or ‘spraying’? Love the latter part of the sentence, though.

“…because, I think I have.” Awesome.

“…we all follow our own rabbits that cross our paths…” I like this. I think you should end it at “…our own rabbits.” I don’t think the rest of the sentence adds much.

“…holey net…” meh.

This dialogue keeps my interest. Nice.

“…pours over her Mills and Boon…” I’m sure this has been mentioned, but ‘pours’ should be ‘pores’ I think.

I’m a little confused. Is the narrator here Papatya?

The writing seems cleaner as you go down the page. The last few paragraphs are very tight. Evocative and smooth. Love it.

Cheers!

Roberto Calas
The Beast of Maug Maurai

Stunning first chapter. It has such a universal feel to it, such literary qualities. Absolutely backed. Below are my thoughts and nits as I read. I have to admit I got sucked in as the chapter went on, and by the end I was pretty much just reading instead of critiquing.


Wonderful chapter header.

“…deterioration fast…” This, I think, is not grammatically correct. I understand the narrator may speak and think like this, but I just wanted to point it out, since it’s the first sentence of the story.

I like the stream-of-consciousness style to this.

“…maybe deterioration, that’s more like it…” You used the word Deteriorating in the first sentence, but the narrator acts as if he just thought it up at this point. Maybe refer to the first sentence here? Something like, “…no, that’s too dramatic. Deterioration. Deterioration was correct.” Something like that?

“Not that I really know who they really are…” Could stand to lose at least one ‘really’ in this sentence, probably both.

“… maybe it’s that maddening sound that the kettle is making…” I really like this part.

“a mother watches their baby’s…” I think should be “…watches her baby’s…”

“…pouring its burning hot liquid all over me…” I had trouble visualizing that. Is he beneath it? Perhaps ‘spattering’ or ‘spraying’? Love the latter part of the sentence, though.

“…because, I think I have.” Awesome.

“…we all follow our own rabbits that cross our paths…” I like this. I think you should end it at “…our own rabbits.” I don’t think the rest of the sentence adds much.

“…holey net…” meh.

This dialogue keeps my interest. Nice.

“…pours over her Mills and Boon…” I’m sure this has been mentioned, but ‘pours’ should be ‘pores’ I think.

I’m a little confused. Is the narrator here Papatya?

The writing seems cleaner as you go down the page. The last few paragraphs are very tight. Evocative and smooth. Love it.

Cheers!

Roberto Calas
The Beast of Maug Maurai

Hiii,
I like the plot and the narration is good. I like the narration.
All the best.
Backed with wishes.
S. vinay kumar

Thank you Nick.
Zehra

This is a subject near to my heart and your treatment of it is poetic.

One of the pointers towards being prone to depression is a difficult relationship with your mother...and I've rarely known a woman who didn't have some probelm with her mother! this is backed, wholeheartedy.

This is a subject near to my heart and your treatment of it is poetic.

One of the pointers towards being prone to depression is a difficult relationship with your mother...and I've rarely known a woman who didn't have some probelm with her mother! this is backed, wholeheartedy.

Gerry,
Thank you for your thoughts and I may take you up on your offer, I agree with you also (about this site) and I know I need help on the technicalities.

Zehra

The narrator/mc has a distinct voice that I found easy to follow. The over all mood seemed to be a sort of desperate appeal. There's no denying you have some very good natural talent for characterisation.

I read through most of your comments here and noticed that no one has mentioned anything about repitition of words or punctuation. Granted, some repitition serves a greater purpose--such as the last line of the first chapter: "My deepest yearning to be a poet, a beatnik, a shaman of words, a real person fades, fades, and fades..." This is powerful--not punctuated properly, but powerful. I say nothing here to be mean in any way; I wouldn't say it unless I thought there was something to build into a real talent. If you want any pointers, or directions to a wonderful site or sites where writers can critique works, give tips, and just plain old help each other, give me a shout. I'd be more than glad to help. You won't find very much in the way of honest feedback here at Authonomy. I don't blame a soul for this--it's just the way of it here.

Please don't think I didn't like this. If I didn't, I wouldn't have wasted time with a lengthy explanation.

Gerry

The narrator/mc has a distinct voice that I found easy to follow. The over all mood seemed to be a sort of desperate appeal. There's no denying you have some very good natural talent for characterisation.

I read through most of your comments here and noticed that no one has mentioned anything about repitition of words or punctuation. Granted, some repitition serves a greater purpose--such as the last line of the first chapter: "My deepest yearning to be a poet, a beatnik, a shaman of words, a real person fades, fades, and fades..." This is powerful--not punctuated properly, but powerful. I say nothing here to be mean in any way; I wouldn't say it unless I thought there was something to build into a real talent. If you want any pointers, or directions to a wonderful site or sites where writers can critique works, give tips, and just plain old help each other, give me a shout. I'd be more than glad to help. You won't find very much in the way of honest feedback here at Authonomy. I don't blame a soul for this--it's just the way of it here.

Please don't think I didn't like this. If I didn't, I wouldn't have wasted time with a lengthy explanation.

Gerry

This is an ambitious piece of work, which blends a realistic account of depression with what seems to be a series of hallucinations, colisions with people and places that are not quite real. The awful women's magazi ne; her gruesome mother, a kettle etc..... Everyday objects have a life of their own. One would soon lose patience with our heroine except that she is a real person.... I wonder if it is too long winded and may need some editing to simply make it run swifter and shorter, but I would not like to suggest where. It draws us in to itself.... Is there going to be any sort of conclusion which will make it into a story? That would be an important point to decide.... I am backing this, but I think it is important the author gets a clear direction forward- not exactly a plot, but at least a point of the compass toward which the book strives as it progresses; else how do we know when we come to the end? DB ALL THESE ARE MEMORIES OF MY VOYAGE

This is an ambitious piece of work, which blends a realistic account of depression with what seems to be a series of hallucinations, colisions with people and places that are not quite real. The awful women's magazi ne; her gruesome mother, a kettle etc..... Everyday objects have a life of their own. One would soon lose patience with our heroine except that she is a real person.... I wonder if it is too long winded and may need some editing to simply make it run swifter and shorter, but I would not like to suggest where. It draws us in to itself.... Is there going to be any sort of conclusion which will make it into a story? That would be an important point to decide.... I am backing this, but I think it is important the author gets a clear direction forward- not exactly a plot, but at least a point of the compass toward which the book strives as it progresses; else how do we know when we come to the end? DB ALL THESE ARE MEMORIES OF MY VOYAGE

Alexie, thank you for the backing, you wanting to shake Papatya is exactly what I wanted, thank you very much for getting that.
Zehra

Zehra,
I knew I had connected with your MC when I caught myself talking aloud to her. Your voice speaks to me and I find understanding and sympathy but yet I want to shake her. I love the dialogue written to show frustration and being helpless. All in all this is a well written book and I am very interested to see how it turns out. Backed. Alexie Aaron