Suffocating

The end of chapter 1 has a really effective moment of sadness when Clare is left alone in the empty kitchen contemplating the ruins of a “cosy family supper” she’d envisaged. The chapter builds towards this moment in stages. The argument between Mike and Clare, his departure, then the discovery that Edward and Hannah had been listening. And eventually, after a silent meal, Clare is left alone.

You could break up the sense I got of an impenetrable block of text, and emphasise the structure to give the reader more of a sense of how it’s developing. You could add extra blank lines after the roar of the departing Porsche, before “Edward came across the room”, after “I know she has to eat with her medication”, and finally an extra space before the last paragraph. It would just break the chapter up and let the reader in a bit more. Hope this helps – Best wishes - Ian

Dear Caro

I have read all the chapters of "Suffocating" that you have uploaded here, and I think your story is wonderful! Great plot, lots of well observed characters and scenes, well paced and all conveyed in a style of writing that is clear, clean and relaxing.

I enjoyed every minute and cannot really understand the deathly silence. Will you take some of our praise to heart, and can you take up this project again? It would be very worthwhile, for what you have given us is a thoroughly rewarding and enlightening story.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

This is an absolutely charming story, told simply and effectively. Yes, there are typos and several punctuation issues, but the story itself is sound. There's definitely a market for this (perhaps as womens fiction rather than literary fiction).
A nice way to spend some time - I don't often read all the chapters posted, and I'd have read more if more were available.

Caro,
As Pete said earlier, there must be an audience for this story. I like the way you keep things simple and concentrate upon the tensions in the family thrown up by Hannah’s illness. Your characters are believable and react in credible ways. As you have chosen to use a third person point of view and change from Clare to Hannah in the third Chapter I wondered if you’d considered giving more information from both Edward and Mike’s perspective. At the moment Mike is just the ‘baddie’. It would be good to find out what his thinking is, what his reasons are for leaving.
I’m sure an editor or agent will point you in the right direction in terms of strengthening the book.
You might want to make more of the opening. Clare’s ‘cut to the bone’ which means there would be blood everywhere. It would be good to highlight that grisly detail as if makes such an effective beginning. Keep the fact that she’s injured and struggling in the forefront of the reader’s attention.
I’ve starred this highly and will shelve it when space becomes available.
Best wishes.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

I don't know why I started to read this book. It's certainly not the type of novel I would pick up in a shop.
However as soon as I started reading I couldn't stop. It really made me think what it must be like to have someone in the family with this illness. How it must be so hard to deal with not only the illness but with the pressures it puts on the relationships within that family.
I feel I am not qualified to give you a critique as to your actual writing, although I do think it has a nice flow and just the right pace to it.
All in all I either like a book or I don't. I like this.
Starred and on my WL.
Cheers
Willie (Missing)

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A touching start. A sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) An excellent opening line. I'm hooked.
2) 'He pulled out a chair for her.' Technically, 'he' refers to Mike.
3) Clare steeled herself, "How much did you hear?" Period after 'herself.'
4) 'Between mouthfuls he chatted about his Rugby team's match plans.' 'Rugby' should be lowercase.
5) 'The empty kitchen felt more clinical and heartless than ever.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her feelings about the kitchen so vividly the reader will experience them along with Clare. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
6) A superb end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind the next time you reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

This story has a compelling title and subject. You had empathy straight away, especiallyy liked the relationship between Clare and Edward. How young people deal with things is often incredible and worthy of imitation.
Liked the bubbling potatoes in the pan and the clock ticking, normal sounds but gave it life.
Rated highly.
Lindsey
To Paint A White Horse.

Caro,
You do an excellent job of showing rather than telling the story in Suffocating. From the opening scene, the reader can envision the characters in their actions and what they are saying to each other. The tragic illness is clearly taking its toll on their relationships and one can immediately tell this is a complex story which has far more than escapist value to the reader. Cystic Fibrosis is an illness which is unfamiliar to me so this is educational for me and anyone else who has yet to learn about it.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Your opening chapter is great. You orient us so smoothly via the tension and dialogue between spouses. The voice is extremely likeable. The very core subject offers us momentum but you enhance it well with good writing. I loved: the empty kitchen seemed more clinical and heartless than ever. And then how she dropped her rings in the junk drawer. I will come back to read more and will rate then, but I know it will highly starred.
Cheers!
John B Campbell

Hi Caro,

I was wandering authonomy when I saw your profile. The description of this book grabbed me, so I'm here to have a good read and comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Ah this looks familiar. I think I read + backed this is the past. I'm happy to read on, though, as you seem to have revised it since I last saw it. :)

Shocking start that slaps the reader in the face. Mike's words are so cruel. Who would ever want to see their child die? Horrible argument. I can feel the anger and frustration in the air.

I've a small suggestion. I think you don't need to explain your dialogue quite so much. eg in " "She couldn’t stop herself..." "I don't think you need any of the explanation as the dialogue + context does such a good job of letting the reader know what's going on. We know she says the words because she can't stop herself. I think just the dialogue without the explanation would read better and faster. Your dialogue's good. Let it shine on its own merits. ;)

Reading on... Looks like the celebration's in ruins as Mike leaves. Uh oh Edward and Hannah seem to have witnessed the whole argument too :(. Poor kids. I'm impressed by the way Edward acts afterwards, though. V calm and kind. He's a good kid. I'm curious if Clare will get divorced. After today, who could blame her? The dinner that follows is v awkward, unsurprisingly. I really pity Hannah. I can't even imagine how awful she must feel. Dramatic and meaningful chapter end with Clare dumping her rings. I think that says it all for her marriage. :(

I’ve a tiny suggestion here. In general, I think it’s best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don’t really start. They just happen. eg instead of “A patch of blood was beginning to seep...” I think “A patch of blood was seeping...” would work better.

Chapter 2: Hannah still seems miserable on the next day. Tricky situation as she really needs to undergo treatment regardless of how she feels. I hope Clare can get through to her. Good to see Clare's considering life-changing steps. She seems more than willing to move on from Mike. Edward's wonderful. He obviously cares about both Clare and Hannah deeply. Hmmm May seems unduly concerned about the cut. Does she really suspect Clare of suicidal leanings? Have things been that bad lately? Scary.

I've another small suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of "May's eyes widened. "What?" " I'd write something like " "What?" May’s eyes widened.".

Reading on... Things look good with the nursery plan. They've even got a backer. Maybe this will work out well for Clare. Very natural dialogue between her and May. The fondness and the fact they've known each other for ages really comes through without any need for clunky exposition. I like Foggy too. He's full of feline attitude ;). I almost laughed aloud when Clare thought about getting a cat and a dog because Mike would hate it. That guy is definitely history. Good riddance to bad rubbish! :)

Chapter 3: Hmm seems Hannah’s still messed up from the awful thing she heard. She’s not stupid, though. She knows she has to stick to her routine. Edward’s on hand to help again. Good for him. I’ve seen the process done, but never had to do it myself. I think the drum description sums it up perfectly. I can’t imagine how hard it is for loving parents to have to do this day after day.

I’m impressed Hannah’s so solicitous of mum’s feelings when she tries to get Edward to say they went for a run. These 2 kids are remarkably kind and thoughtful, especially given the v difficult situation. Hmmm it’s clear she’s got a crush on Gary. I can see why she likes him so much. He’s v easygoing. Must be hard when everybody else in your life watches you as if you’re about to break at any moment. I really can sympathise with that as I have MS, and people sometimes try to treat me that way. :(

It all becomes too much for her suddenly. No surprise. Gary’s a great listener and a calming presence. I like him. His reaction after learning about her illness if a breath of fresh air for Hannah. I can really feel her spirits lift by the end of the chapter. :)

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. Sorry about that; I think I got a bit carried away by your story ;). I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a bittersweet, heart-warming story here of struggle in the face of adversity. For me, the thing that really pulls everything together is how real your characters feel. They’re v well drawn, not at all like the cardboard cutouts you find in some books. I sympathise with Hannah, Edward and their Mum v much. I want to read on and learn if the mum gains her independence. And I want to see Hannah keeps beating her horrible illness.

I've rated your book with 6 stars, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

I've read your entire download (6 chapters). I felt it was a good story storyline. It held my interest all the way through. I did grow up with a family where both daughters (who were somewhat younger than I) had CF. This was along time ago and I remember my parents discussing their prognosis which was not very good. I do think that they are both still living and this is 30 years on! The story and the devasating effects on the family ring true.

I wonder if you have read this outload to yourself. I think that you could work on the flow of sound. I hate to see a story as good and as strong as this lost in a lack of flow.

I also believe that Mike needs to be drawn a little more truly. I think he would be embarrassed at least in front of his children after saying those words and especially after hitting his wife. It seemed like the first maybe truly brutal attack--if so I think he would be upset--promising not to do it again--etc. If it has happened before, I think we need to know it. I also think that Hannah is not little, this must have been going on for years...why has this escalated now? Has his business turned bad as well? he has done something wrong? These things don't just suddenly happen so we need some context.

What I found best in this was your sense of who Clare is. I think in her relationship with her children and her friendship with May.
As I said, strong story and it is all there. I think if you find a way to bring Mike out of a one-dimensational feel (we could even pity him, or despise him, but we need to see him rounded out) you will only strengthen this story!

Suffocating
Powerful title for a story about Cystic Fibrosis.
I’d take out the introductory sentence – ‘The story of family relationships … ‘ To me, it should be in the pitch, and I found it a distraction, especially when you have such a great opening sentence.
I’ve decided I’m just going to give you my thoughts on the story, rather than comment / nitpick over individual sentences. That’s the sort of feedback you gave me, Caro, which I found so helpful in the early days of my story.
Good characterisation, with Mike. The image of him buffing the napkin ring speaks volumes. Sorry, I can’t help myself – I think you need to take out ‘to’ coax her to take her pill. Just say ‘or coax her to take …’.
Great imagery – blood dripping off the half-peeled potato onto the floor. Also, you are using all our senses – ‘Wood screeched on marble’ – I can hear that.
Amazing how things can change in an instant – ‘instead of celebrating their marriage she was contemplating divorce.’ - Well observed.
This sentence seems to be from a confusing mixed POV: ‘Edward released her and she backed away …. The urge to follow her daughter was strong, but she knew she shouldn’t. Hannah’s … ‘ It’s as if the ‘her’ that followed her daughter, is the ‘she’ who backed away, yet I know it was Clare who had the urge to follow her daughter. I hope my confusion makes sense.
Now we gain insight into Clare’s motivations, and she’s questioning choices she made long before, for all the right reasons. This section also illustrates the warm relationship Clare has with Edward, and Edward’s protectiveness of Hannah as well as how he cares for her. He’s not removed from Hannah’s illness, rather seems actively involved, and a support to Clare. Good end to ch.1, Clare dropping her rings in the drawer.
In Ch2 we gain insight into Clare – her dreams of a home with character, an escape, filled with treasures and memories. A woman whose lifeline to sanity was in the earth and a love of plants. Small details of character, but revealing. Aunt May’s been a lifeline too, I wouldn’t be surprised.
I’m not sure if Clare’s planning a move with Mike, or whether she’s going to be brave and start again on her own. I think it’s on her own …
May. May and Clare’s relationship is lovely. I can’t wait to meet Gary, and am intrigued by his brother. Like Clare said, where was he when Gary needed him?
Wonderful descriptive narrative, and I get a real feel for the relationships that are slowly being illumintated. Caro, I like this chapter very much. Time is short, but I’ll be back. ~ Diana

Chapter 4:
Again sorry it's taken so long to get back. Good news is I'm only a couple of assignments away from finishing my course.
This edit isn't in any kind of order.
Golf Club - no capitals
He looked puzzled - full stop after puzzled
His agitation a sure sign - his agitation was a sure sign
The ellipses need to be fixed - remember 3 dots
pretence - pretense
Balloons are one of my pet hates too:). But my question is why doesn't she like them? Is it the rubbery squeak they make, the eventual pop/bang they make (my reasoning)
She felt herself stiffen these - semi-colon or full stop in between stiffen and these
Belinda's fiance - the e in fiance seems to be a different font than the rest of the text. Make sure it's the same.
Clare had her answer, Belinda - use a colon instead of a comma
grey haired - grey-haired
She shrugged, and said - though there is nothing necessarily wrong with this sentence, the dialogue tag 'and said' isn't necessary.

Chapter 5:
Comma after Clare
Dancing had never been instead of was
You'll drink with me (?)
inviting us (.) New Line : With a
And do it fast - and do it is repetitive, I would cut it. Fast. can stand on its own
she said (,) somehow
In fact (she) was

Chapter 6:
Only one edit in this chapter
happened?" (NL) Hannah

As there aren't any more chapters, I have nothing to continue editing. However, I have really enjoyed reading your story and hope you upload more soon. Characterisation is great and the story, with a bit of a polish, is/will be really good.

Thanks for giving me the editing opportunity, something to add to my resume.

JASmith

I apologise for not coming back sooner.

'I'd rather you give me a hand with my physio?' - use a full stop, not a question mark as it's not a question, it's a statement. The question would be 'Can you give me a hand with my physio instead?'
'Ok' - OK, again to remain consistent
-her parents for the genes that made her ill - - you need to use an en dash, not a hyphen. An en dash can be found in Microsoft Word > Insert > Symbols > Special Characters > en dash. Some programs fix this automatically but if not (and you can't find it in the symbol section) all you need to do is make the hyphen longer (the width of the top of the letter N). For more information, check this site:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dash.
The dash after normal is correct.

good bye is one word

your Mum - shouldn't have a capital as it's not being used as a proper noun

Hannah felt guilty - should use a semi colon and not a comma as it gives a longer pause

Again, ellipses are 3 dots and no longer

Then she selected a CD ... - to me this sentence is a little unnatural as it's too detailed. Also, I think you need to add some life into your dialogue as it's a little bland. Make sure any research you do isn't taking over your story because at times I think it might, like you're trying to convey important info to your audience but don't know where else to put it. Just a suggestion.

EDITED ON REVIEW BEFORE MOVING ONTO CHAPTER 4
"I'd quite like ..." - how old is her brother? This seems unnatural. You should consider getting rid of the word quite as I don't think it's one he'd use.

Hope this helps,
JASmith

i'd suggest getting rid of the 2nd paragraph of the pitch because it is too general and telling. the rest of it, sticking with the specifics of the family, works better.
i like that you start in the middle of the action. it grabs a reader right away. but i think you're trying to reveal a lot of background in the dialogue and it sounds a bit unnatural. you may want to reveal some of it in narrative and trust that you have time to do it- you don't have to give it all in the opening page.
that sAid, the dialogue pacing is well done, a good balance of physical descriptions so you can see what's happening.

it really hurt to read this opening chapter. it is rare that a writer is willing to investigate their own pain in order to write about it with insight and honesty. i don't know whether the 'story' of your characters is autobiographical but it doesn't matter because you have written about your insides honestly and that makes your book very powerful. great writing.

i could easily relate to all the characters and i have known people like them intimately.

your book is on my shelf.

just one suggestion which is to begin with the dialogue rather than the introductory sentence and 'chapter 1'.
xx
m
THE ETON MOTHERS' HANDBOOK

Ruggedly realistic and heartwrenching. Im a therapist who works primarily with children and families, and one of my first cases was a 9 year old with cystic fibrosis. This brought working with her and her family back to me in a haunting way... I am not sure she's still alive.
You capture the stress, the terror, the wear and tear on the family beautifully and through great dialogue. Of course, I prefer escape reading personally as I work with sad situations day in and day out, but I witness the strength of your story and skill of your writing.
Liked Antlion better, but only for the reasons I told you.
Much aloha and respect,
V
Hawaiian Orchid/Ginger

Suffocating

Hi Caro,

I read Antlion yesterday and enjoyed it so thought I’d come and have a look at Suffocating. You are a versatile and interesting writer with an ability within a few lines to pitch us hook, line and sinker into the story. A powerful and emotive tale that gets under the skin and inside the heads of the family suffering these distressing events, you have either researched this brilliantly or have some personal experience of these circumstances. Great writing, well done.

Very happy to support your book, best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

A very moving story. You deal marvellously with the real effects of serious long term illness on a family, giving us the necessary detail which brings the characters and their situation to life. Although you write mainly from Clare's point of view, and therefore we feel closer to her, and get to know her well, the other three, Mike, Edward, and Hannah, also become real to us through their own words. Your dialogue is very skillful, allowing us to understand what each of them is going through, without lots of information having to be loaded onto us. The breaking relationship between Mike and Clare is conveyed realistically through their conversation, and the effect of this on the two children who overhear is made clear, again, through their reactions. You write in a clear, flowing style, and your plot line is unusual enough to feel fresh. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

just so you could gloat and say - I told you so - dash not necessary
their daughter he was talking about - I would put a dash after daughter but mightn't be necessary. Just so you follow through with the pauses as she corrects herself.

Also you might consider rephrasing it when she actually speaks as it's a little repetitive of her thought process.

Mucous - mucus. There is a word the way you originally spelt it but it means something different than your intention

helpto coax - help to

he never did - a bit repetitive, not necessary

in the last two weeks, is - delete comma

"half peeled" and "blood stained" should have hyphens

and they move - moved

if you're Ok - OK, to keep in sync with the other times you use the word

It was had - it was hard

Don't wait for me - as it's dialogue it should be on a new line for a new speaker

Mike muttered, "Goodnight," - commas aren't necessary and you should use one quotation mark instead of two because of the sentence phrasing in these circumstances.

I'm not sure what publishing standards are where you're from but in Australia dialogue should have one quotation mark and anything else such as "so-called" or the like should have two. This might be something for you to consider.

ellipsises ( ... ) are only supposed to be three dots and have to have a space after the word after which they are used. Hope that makes sense. Eg:
- die....? should be die ...?

You should go to the hospital is not a question so doesn't require the ?

I don't think I've missed anything that others haven't already mentioned, but when I come back later to read over Chapter 2, I'll give it another look to make sure.

JASmith

Caro
I think you are a born novelist. You understand, intuitively, I suspect, how to dramatise a scene and layer it with conflict. Your dialogue is perfect and you map the pain of the various family members as they try to cope with caring for Hannah. I have no doubt you will be successful as a writer.
Frank

Hi Caro. I very much enjoy your dialogue and your ability to draw the reader in with from the beginning. I feel the mother's pain and understand the father's denial, an all too common situation. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more as you upload more. Backed in anticipation of the whole story!
Jane Cooper
The Transformer

Suffering:

Caro, I’m not a fan of stories beginning with dialogue, so I’ve made a little suggestion, below, for your consideration only as I’m not trying to rewrite your story.:o)

Clare spun round to face Mike. The knife she held slid through the potato and sliced into the fleshy base of her thumb. The pain was nothing compared to the hurt which Mike’s words inflicted. “Sometimes I think you’d like Hannah to die, just so you could gloat and say – I told you so.” - Here, I’d put Mikes words in italics.

How could he think that, let alone voice it? – I don’t think you need to tell us it shook her as you’ve clearly shown us that with her reaction to his words. I winced when I read how the knife sliced through her flesh.

I’ve just had a chance to go through the first chapter and what an emotional read it was. I so admire parents who have to deal with children with serious conditions like these, but I wanted to give Mike a kick up the arse! He was more concerned about her blood staining the floor than he was about her hand.

I, too, went, O no... when I saw Edward and Hannah in the doorway.

What a wonderful son, is Edward.

…at her wound[ed] brought back…

You relate this story so well it comes across as true life, and I love the easy flow of your prose.

This has lots of potential, and with an edit to find several missing words and ones needing hypens,etc., this will be an even stronger read.

I wish you all the best with it, and it definitely goes on my shelf.

Cáit ~Muckers ~

This is a very powerfully written piece that doesn't come across as fictional it has such a direct impact on the reader. I think it is a very complex issue that you are dealing with and you have dealt with it superbly. it wouldn't be my usual choice of book but I can see the talent in your writing and the market that wil exist out there for such a strong piece. Well done, backed with pleasure
Chris (inside Out)

Caro,

I said I'd take a look at this (sorry I ended up reviewing the wrong one before) so here I am.

On the short pitch I wonder if 'knock on' should be hypenated, not sure about that one.

Looking at the long pitch it seems as if perhaps some paragraph breaks haven't taken, looks like you have some missing line breaks.

On the substance from the short pitch and the first couple of paras of the long version I almost thought that this was going to be non-fiction. You seem to get to the story late, for me anyway.

However, when you get to the story everything's there (except that you don't say, but I presume, that Hannah has cystic fibrosis).

Before I move onto the work proper I notice that you chosen chick-lit and lit-fic as genres. This is quite an interesting combination and I'm not quite sure that I can imagine it (though I like both genre, yes, honestly I'm a chick lit fan, love Marion Keyes) . . .

Into the work proper. And you start in media res and immediately grab the attention. The absence of reaction to the knife wound is actually not just believable but entirely the right thing.

I do notice a typo where you write:

His face was an unhealthy shade OR red . . .

I'm sure you mean OF red.

Following paragraph, second sentence, I think you'd get impact if you omitted the word 'still', to my mind qualifiers like this often have the, perhaps counter-intuitive, effect of making the sentiment less strong.

Folowing paragraph you need a space between 'help' and 'to'.

And then the reaction to the cut finally comes, and this too is very real, and provides an accompaniment to Clare's discussion with her son.

(By the way there's a missing apostrophe, when he talks about his rugby team[']s match plans.)

Edward, on first impressions is a young man to admire: He is mature beyond his years and doing a fine job of supporting his family in difficult times.

Then the chapter closes on what was, to me, a very sad note. Such a little gesture, but so meaningful.

Reading through chapter two, Clare's thought processes are well captured--and easy to sympathise with. One thing I notice is a few references to show homes on development sites, I think you could mix this up a little, sometimes just show home might suffice.

The new story line with the nursery develops nicely and again I like the closing of the chapter.

Then a switch to Hannah's PoV and this is well done, her crush on the garden manager is nice to see.

Missing word, during Hannah and Gary's discussion, when he's talking of the competition:

She pushed me [to] enter . . .

And this chapter ends on a positive note. Funny how Hannah is the most positive of all of them.

And at three chapters I stop. This is an easy read and a great story, that is moving and engaging at the same time.

Coming back to genre, it strikes me that this is more lit-fic than chick-lit: It's character driven and there's the rich description and sub-text of that genre; it doesn't have the chattiness of chick-lit, which even when dealing with difficult subjects tends to have a light approach and an ever present sense of humour. That's not to say that this is humourless, far from it, just that, for me, this is too serious to be categorised as chick-lit.

However, whatever you call it genre wise I'm certain it's good enough to back so I'll be putting this on my shelf.

How can someone write something like this without getting emotional? I commend anyone who writes this kind of material. It gives others understanding on the specific subject. This is on my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

I feel horribly inadequate. I can't do the sort of detailed review JD Revene goes in for. But I hope my comments will not be totally pointless.

What, one is desperate to know, is going to happen? That question is an important one. Unless something happens, the book will not be published. That sounds terribly harsh. It is not meant to be. The writing is beautiful and the theme is fascinating. The descriptions and the dialogue are wonderful. But what we are missing is a story. Perhaps that is unfair. Only just over 10,000 words of this book are on the site. It is probable that the next 10,000 will do the trick. Even if they don't, there could well be a market for such a touching account of a family trying to cope with cystic fibrosis.

The only thing I think this book needs is humour. Again, that may well be provided in the rest of the book. But, if it isn't, it needs to be. Most of us find it difficult to swallow undiluted misery. We need to be able to chuckle occassionally. So, if the rest of the book doesn't give us those chuckles, I would suggest they should be added.

Why on earth do I sound so negative? This is an extraordinarily well-written book. It is a million times better than anything I could write. I salute a great author.

Charles

This book will resonate strongly with people who have chronic illness in the family, because it shows, in minute detail, how family members can react in such different ways, and how, as in your story, it can destroy families. This is a real tear-jerker, and yet you do not resort to mawkishness. You observe, in minute detail, how the different characters think and act, and you are careful not to blame or criticise, while still acknowledging that self-blame is a serious issue for some characters. This is a most engaging, and important book, and I sincerely hope it does well. You have my enthusiastic backing. Best wishes, Tony.

Very emotional material. Tight writing.

This is well written and I wouldn't be surprised if this has been written with some personal experience. Poor Hannah. I can't imagine what she's going through hearing her parents fight about wanting her to die. You write well - great characters. I love Henry. He's like my little Ronnie in my story (true life) which I hope you'll find time to read sometime. It's about Cerebral Palsy. Sorry, the only reason I mentioned it, is that I think more stories like this should be written. SO many stories on the market with perfect family, perfect lives, when in reality, life is not like that. I think almost everyone knows someone who has Cystic Fibrosis and we also know that kids rarely survive past 21 years and often die sooner. For one of these parents to read - even if it is fiction, I would imagine make them feel as if someone cares and they are not alone. It is hard work and a real drain on a relationship raising kids with disabilities and I think more people would like to read about it.

Good luck with this
Best wishes
Sue
A Boy Called George

Review Club Review

Your dramatic opening with Mike's inflamatory statement certainly hooked me. The scene is nicely divided among dialogue, great action and narrative. Always a good start.

It's a difficult subject to deal with and it's often noted that a serious illness of one's child can either strengthen or weaken a marriage. You well show us how this marriage is disintegrating over their daughter's illness. The last line of chapter 1, sadly told us a great deal.

In chapter 2 you nicely work in some backstory about two more characters, Aunt May and Gary. It kept our interest.

I liked getting in Hannah's head in chapter 3. Good to get to know her better and see that, in spite of her disability, she is pretty much a normal teenager. In spite of the tears, she handles her problem very well.

Chapter 4 in the opening para there may have been a typo: "Mike stayed left early and came back home late..."
We learn some very interesting new facts in this chapter and there is definitely some more conflict building.

Don't read much chic lit but I liked this beginning very much. I'm afraid I'm not a good one to look at puncutation or spelling. I pretty much depend on my spell check and other people for those things.

Very enjoyable and so my first Club Review is definitely backed.

This is an interesting start to a novel about a heartwrenching situation. You might want to revise your genres - you have this down as chick lit, and that usually means contemporary women's comedy romance. I think fiction and literary would fit yours better. Backed for potential - you need to revise spelling, but you can catch any mistakes in an edit.

Suffocating--

I just read to the end of what you have uploaded and was sad to see that there was no more to read. I love this story and the cystic fibrosis part is a unique twist. Sadly, I know someone who has a son with CF, and have seen what the stress can do to a person and a family. I think you did a great job with all of the characters. They're all layered and not just two dimensional. Excellent job. I backed this after reading the very first line, because it's a very good one. I figured the rest of the story had to be good too and I was right.

Only nitpick I have was a couple of typos/missing words (mainly chapter 3&4). Oh, and you might want to capitalize your title.