Jihad

This is epic storytelling and would make a truly fantastic movie. I was enticed by your pitch but it was only when I started reading your first three chapters that I realised how great a storyteller you were. Kiara and Declan are fantastic, fully realised characters and this vision of a future dystopia seems so believeable. I am delighted to support this.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Jihad

I’m usually a fence sitter with prologues, however if they were all as well written as this, I’d be on the side of they are great. The prologue is brilliant.
(There’s an f at the end of the third sentence? In 1)
I think the building blocks set down in the first chapter a masterful. And the tension you build in the narrative is very good. The dialogue moves the storyline so well – this is so well written. I’m up to Declan being the best shooter and will return to this later.

Hi Sophie,
In all honesty, this is one of the best things I have read since joining this site. I can’t wait to see it on the shelves.

Prologue:
I love the comparison you create between Alex and his mother in the paragraph where she doesn’t notice the ray of sunlight. It tells a lot about Alex very simply.
I’m not sure about the expression ‘fibre of his willpower’? Maybe ‘ounce of his willpower’?
What a chilling scene you create, with 10 year old Alex hiding under his bed. I really felt for him.

General:
The dialogue has a nice easy flow to it.
The budding relationship between Kiara and Declan is nicely set up in the initial chapters.
I am sure you meant it to be a symptom of the times, but I felt Kiara might have grieved a little more for her family?
There are a few typos that need to be fixed, but I’m sure you will pick up on them without me pointing them out.

You have done a fine job with this. What a chilling, yet accessible, vision of the future.
Happily backed,
All the best,
Kit Matthews (Insight)

Jihad:

Sophie,

This is a future so possible that it is almost chillingly prophetic.
I could not help but be moved by the young boy crouching beneath the bed as the soldiers attack, for you so acutely portray his terror before he eventually re-emerges some 7 years later and we see the new perspective on him.
It is the reality you strive for which engaged me most and whilst I admire your talent as a story teller, the realistic dialogue and imformed background in the contemporary power struggle within the region was compelling, bearing in mind the anticipation of very powerful emotions which must eventually enhance this as part Thriller, part Romance. Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

What a prologue!

A lot of the time, a prologue can be a bit, well, not needed.

Not this one! It;s great.

Really, a great flair for building tension and a good hook at the end to make the reader turn the page, or in this case, click the link.

Backed

Lorri

I commented earlier in the week and backed the book.
I have now read halfway through the manuscript because I really wanted to find out how all this had come about. So far, I've drawn a blank. Do we ever get to find out why the West was invaded? And how it was invaded in the first place?

The enemy itself seems to be a bit of a cardboard cutout. They just stand around, check IDs, arrest people and shoot at those they don't like. I would expect a bit more. Even Harry Potter's Death Eaters do show some moral ambiguity.

The name Jihad implies a Moslem enemy, although I have seen only oblique references to this so far. Maybe we discover more later. Or do you feel that would be inappropriate? I think it's obvious enough, so I'd go the whole hog if I were you.
If they are who I think they are, the enemy would not be contemptuous of women (for instance, the ID checking scene where the soldier thinks Kiara's hesistation is just silliness -- Chapter 7, I think). Trust me, there are much deeper and complex reasons for the patriarchal attitudes in these societies and most of them do not revolve around looking down on women, although the end result is the same and appears to indicate contempt. So, the idea that the soldiers would not expect trouble from girls is probably naive. Just look at the number of female suicide bombers out there.

When I arrived to the Final Solution part, my suspension of belief (or should that be disbelief) has had to go into overdrive, I'm afraid. Remember that the Nazis had to rely on almost complete co-operation from Polish, French, Dutch, Greek, Czek and other occuopied countries' authorities in order to exterminate only a small proprotion of their population -- and the populations targeted were almost exclusively minorities who were already treated with contempt by the locals -- Jews, Gypsies, political dissidents and so on. To take on the whole of a country's population? Populations of several countries? Hmmm...

In short, I would really love to see a credible background to the invasion and some more believable behaviour from the invaders. Otherwise, we risk having the kind of invasion novels Heinlein wrote in the 40s and 50s (the name of one escapes me -- '6th Column' rings a bell; it was equally remarkable for a complete lack of even minor female characters as for its truly deplorable invaders.)

Some good examples of how you can add more character and credibility to invaders in an alternative history environment: Philip K. Dick's The Man In The High Castle and Len Deighton's SS-GB.
More recent dystopias that are handled really rather well: The Hunger Games and Noughts And Crosses series. In Ken McLeod's Night Sessions, the Faith Wars end in a much more realistic stalamate.
More importantly, though, in all these examples, the enemy becomes more than something just to shoot at.

I still admire your writing and feel the backing was deserved. But I think there is some work to do with the background. Heinlein could get away with it. I think modern tastes are a bit more refined. Besides, when you're dealing with such contentious issues, the background needs to be watertight -- the background, after all, is vessel that holds the story together.

(Just to clear up possible confusion: My name says a lot less about my religious background than it appears to. So, trust me when I say that I am not speaking out of loyalty to some group or other. I suspect my 'All Things Noble' would receive more than mere contempt in most Middle Eastern countries.)

Best wishes.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

Good, spare, unfussy writing. You don't fill the text with unnecessary descriptions, which helps with the pace and doesn't hurt the narrative since we can imagine the environment nicely with the hints that you drop. Even the Nike business was completely necessary, unlike some of the product-placement references I see elsewhere here.

It would help to make it clearer that Alex stays hidden under his bed. When you mention the puppy being pulled from him, it sounds like he is in the open. Same with the suitcase being pushed into his chest, as if somebody was handing it to him. The whole scene conflicted in my mind, since part of it clearly indicates him hiding and other parts not so well. I had to read it two or three times to get my head around it.
Maybe having Sally run out from under the bed and being picked up might make things clearer.

Some minor typos ('eyes strictly fixated' ; 'if she stood any longer she may pass out') and awkward turns of phrase ('Alex stayed in the one position'), but who's quibbling when the writing is this good?

I like the way you introduce the unusual so casually, like the mention of females walking behind males. The temptation is always to make a big thing of these, which of course destroys the narrative. Nice one.

I'm also impressed with your teasing patience. The reader wants to find out more about these mysterious soldiers who have taken over the country. There are hints at religious implications. The name of the book as well as the blurb hint at other dimensions. But you keep the reader wondering. It's somehow frustrating but we want to keep reading to find out more.
And I will have to read more. Shame the lunch break's nearly over. Backed of course.

Minor point:
(train station scene) Any organisation that makes a great thing of computerised and regular ID checks would introduce automated methods like barcodes instead of typing the numbers in.

You can be sure that I will have more comments as I read on. This is a subject close to my heart (as you will see in All Things Noble -- different theme, scope and setting but similar preoccupations)

Best wishes.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

Awesome prolouge. Charcters and diolouge are polished and engaging. C W

Jihad

[Thank you for returning my backing. T ☼☼☼☼]

In writing fiction you get to do a lot of cool stuff. I remember the day I killed my first person. You got to nuke America. Awesome!

This is fantastic. It’s an interesting concept and it’s well done. I think if I have a quibble with any of this it’s with the way you don’t explain WHY the soldiers are taking people away and preparing for the final massacre. I gather from the title and the “women to walk a few paces behind men” angle that it’s in a future with Islamic “terror” winning. If so I don’t quite understand why there are no other restrictions, such as wearing of hijab and girls not going to school. The POV is from the Children’s perspective and so you may have wanted to simplify it for a teen readership, but I suspect they are more sophisticated than that Your opening captures the innocence of the ten year old Alex perfectly and will engage a (presumed) teen readership as well as adults. I bailed out after chapter five.

I’m backing it. And I would be delighted if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return. Thanks.

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Reading through the comments I've noticed that everybody mentions the prologue. It bears mentioning again. It's that good. We feel for Desperately Unfashionable Alex Wrightley and his knock-off Nikes. The tension at the end of the scene is palpable, and leaves the reader wanting more. Skip forward six years and we find out what is going on. This is excellent story-telling.

Okay, now I get the prologue.
Third sentence .f?
The story just flows.
It sits on my shelf as a souvenir of a great read.
A Zoomer
Going Out In style

JIHAD

I will comment of each chapter as I read. The prologue is riveting, I was with Alex and his mom and then his dog each step of the way. I don't know how it fits in with the book, as it seems a story in itself.
Nit : You are missing an i in him.
On to chapter one.

This is epic storytelling and would make a truly fantastic movie. I was enticed by your pitch but it was only when I started reading your first three chapters that I realised how great a storyteller you were. Kiara and Declan are fantastic, fully realised characters and this vision of a future dystopia seems so believeable. I am delighted to support this.
Carl
The Time Hunters

An important concept -there is good and bad everywhere, no one culture has a lock on either. I enjoy your pitch and the statements you make. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

this is a really great read, well done , backed

alison ( who wants to diet anyway? and legal lies)

backed
anba
L.O.V.E

Not realy my genre but I am happy to back something so well written. Good dialogue and pace here, with excellent scene descriptions. Colin

Strong. Daring. Daren't ask how you researched this. I have looked at first 2 chapters. Well done, full of admiration. Not sure about publisher's expectations, but had gathered that they prefer single inverteds for speech.

Backed

Rosalind
Good for Him

Jihad

I’m usually a fence sitter with prologues, however if they were all as well written as this, I’d be on the side of they are great. The prologue is brilliant.
(There’s an f at the end of the third sentence? In 1)
I think the building blocks set down in the first chapter a masterful. And the tension you build in the narrative is very good. The dialogue moves the storyline so well – this is so well written. I’m up to Declan being the best shooter and will return to this later.

Sophie, great start and I love futuristic plots with political outcome undertones (if that makes sense ;)) Few comments. I was confused how old your little boy was in chapter one. He felt quite young but you say things like 'he wished all small business...bankrupt.' Kids don't usually think in this terminology. Also thought the episode with the mother shopping seemed more like a movie opener than a book. Jump right into the action...the beginning bit felt like fluff for me. But that is all an opinion. Take it as such. Keep it up!

D. J.

Sophie, your prologue and chapter one read smoothly. Good job overall. Nothing really to nitpick in these two sections.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

What a wonderful book. I really enjoyed this, it's got all the makings of something I would buy in the store. Strong writing, vivid descriptions and an easy flow make this something special. I don't know what else to say other than the fact that it was a real pleasure to read.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Dear Sophie, I love fiction, thriller, & romance. :) Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue which makes me want to keep reading & reading to find out what's going to happen next. I thought I had already backed your book, but can't find where, will try again. Thanks for backing, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." Could you take a moment to BACK my UNEDITED version?.........
"Tell Me True Love Stories" ..... Thanks, Susie :)

Sophie,

Really enjoyed the five chapters I read. Very smooth flow and great style. Easy to connect with the characters and well paced. A future that seems like it could be tomorrow - not years ahead. Job very well done!

Please have a look at Bound and By Birth and please comment and back. I value all comments as they make me a better writer by seeing what works and what doesn't.

Thank you

Randy
Bound By Birth
http://www.randallwheeler.com

Hello Sophie … interesting short pitch here. There are a couple of oddly phrased bits, too. I don’t think in the long pitch you need ’Here’ in the sentence that starts ‘Here, she finds … ‘ It reads just as well without it. And ‘a shot of light’? Maybe a shaft or a beam might be better? Just imo, of course, like everything I say. Poor Alex; I started off thinking he was an obnoxious teenage boy and by the end of the chapter felt so sorry for him. Shall shelve this and read more; it’s scary stuff. It’s also a big jump to the second chapter. Hope we see more of Alex. Couple of typos in Ch 2 … an ‘f’ after a full stop , ‘urn’ instead of ‘burn’. I’m also not sure ‘smirked’ is the right word there, either. Up to you, of course. May I suggest that in 2022 it’s not necessary for ID numbers to be typed into a computer; surely the card could simply be scanned with a small hand held device? Aha! Alex again … and seven years have made a big difference to him of course. I am not a YA reader, but believe this should do well.

Hi Sophie,
In all honesty, this is one of the best things I have read since joining this site. I can’t wait to see it on the shelves.

Prologue:
I love the comparison you create between Alex and his mother in the paragraph where she doesn’t notice the ray of sunlight. It tells a lot about Alex very simply.
I’m not sure about the expression ‘fibre of his willpower’? Maybe ‘ounce of his willpower’?
What a chilling scene you create, with 10 year old Alex hiding under his bed. I really felt for him.

General:
The dialogue has a nice easy flow to it.
The budding relationship between Kiara and Declan is nicely set up in the initial chapters.
I am sure you meant it to be a symptom of the times, but I felt Kiara might have grieved a little more for her family?
There are a few typos that need to be fixed, but I’m sure you will pick up on them without me pointing them out.

You have done a fine job with this. What a chilling, yet accessible, vision of the future.
Happily backed,
All the best,
Kit Matthews (Insight)

This is a chilling look at what the world will look like in another twenty years. It's interesting reading, tho, because you've created characters who still maintain sensitive and sympathetic qualities. Thank heavens that hasn't changed. Like your writing style. Makes this an enjoyable read. Burgio (Grain of SAlt).

HI Sophie, what an opening, I love the normal day to day of the household, Alex fighting with his mother over the shoes and being unenthused about the whle thing, I love his mothers scolds, makes you think about the things we say to each other when we have no idea what's coming. The men and Alex hiding is terrifying and I felt tense reading it, even when his Dad came into the room, there's the whole feeling of who to trust. Really good opening, well written and on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Oh wow...this is just great. I was gripped from the pitch. The prologue had my heart in my mouth, and then the story compelled me to read further. Backed...no need to say any more.

George Fripley - Wurzel of Clutton

Hi -- great dialogue and a strong plot, good descriptive passages etc . I didn't read enough to say if it all hangs together, but I had an enjoyable read -- backed for that.
Best wishes, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Aside from the several typos I noticed, this is a good read! I was able to get into the story right away and it held my attention. I did think that the character names were used a bit too often in the prologue but that is minor.

Good read!

Lockjaw

Jihad:

Sophie,

This is a future so possible that it is almost chillingly prophetic.
I could not help but be moved by the young boy crouching beneath the bed as the soldiers attack, for you so acutely portray his terror before he eventually re-emerges some 7 years later and we see the new perspective on him.
It is the reality you strive for which engaged me most and whilst I admire your talent as a story teller, the realistic dialogue and imformed background in the contemporary power struggle within the region was compelling, bearing in mind the anticipation of very powerful emotions which must eventually enhance this as part Thriller, part Romance. Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

I've just had the chance to read your prologue, and the first thing I noticed is that it's very polished - no typos, yay! The sudden mystery is gripping and makes me want to keep reading. I love the idea portrayed in the final sentence, but the wording is a little awkward. I stumbled over the "before his Dad" part and had to re-read it. Otherwise, excellent. I hope to be able to read more soon and find out what happens!
Take care,
Wendy (Angel Prophecy)

Thoroughly enjoyed. I wish you the very best of luck with it. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

BACKING you. I can use your comments on my book if you can spare the time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Your prologue, as others have said, is great. It's action and suspense and good story telling. There are then two chapters of stasis, exposition cum discussion, maybe more. By this time I don't wish to go searching for the story.
Reduce the exposition to what is essential for any one action and keep it moving.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway:With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes

This is a great read! backed!

Sophie
Cover: A bit dark...so is that a picture of a woman looking at Don Johnson in Miami Vice circa 1984? (sorry....kidding aside it looks like this will be some kind of love story...but the title suggests something set in the middle east possibly)
Pitches: Short= A moment in the story but what is this story about? A friend killing another friend? Long=GOOD! No nits for it.
Text: I'm on the fence about prologues...damn there are lot of books with them on Authonomy though!
Here's an interest item you might want to read on prologues

http://pubrants.blogspot.com/2010/02/why-prologues-often-dont-work.html

So wait! You're 17? This hardly feels written by a 17yr old! wow.
there's an extra "f" at the end of the sentence that begins "Kiara," he stated matter-of-factly...
Sorry....you might take a look at the formatting issues. Chpt2 everything is double spaced...a couple times(I think) I saw it shifts from Arial to TNR font...
I like how modern all the names sound without having a futuristic quality. Kiara/Hayley/Declan/Riley/Jarod ...and slightly trendy feel too. Good!
Yes...can definitely see this for a YA.
Great work Sophie!
Best of luck!!!!
-=Bradley

hi Sophie,
Cool idea for a story. I love the name Kiara...very pretty.

The dialogue moves fast and flows smoothly. I like her little monologues when she's talking to Declan. I'd probably be wondering the same things.

My only nitpick is the prologue. I liked it but I think it should be shorter. The first bit with the ice cream didn't add to the story. It really began when the people broke into the house. I think if you started there, you'd have people peeing their pants.

But just my opinion. Shelved.

You have chosen an unusual title for your book. In this day it evokes different ideas than the one you present in your story. This could be a good thing, but it could also be something you have to overcome. You have a good plot and move it along well.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

There is a lot of things you did great with this prologue :) The voice is excellent especially. I did find your use of adverbs at time to be a little overbearing, sometimes even two in one sentence. You also use "began" "beginning" a lot. It's one of those words that should be avoided in writing unless needed. If someone began to laugh, they laughed. If they began to cry, they cried. There are some things that you can begin though. like... "She began to walk away, but I grabbed her arm." though that could also be "I grabbed her arm to stop her from walking away." Anyway, the point is, try not to overuse "began/beginning/started/starting"

Overall what this needs is a some prose tightening. This link may help:
http://www.inkalicious.com/cheatsheets.php#editing

This is off to a strong start though and I wish you all the luck :)
xBeccaX

Sophie, this is a wonderful story. The subject matter is unique in the way you've plotted it and the characters are very well drawn. I was immediately attached to them and wanted to continue reading to see what happens next. Very well done.
Tracy
The Guardians

I've only got time for the prologue but I think you did that well. We got to know him & his mum & his puppy enough to experience some of the horror of it all. The shoe shopping that became a massacre.

Consider carefully whether you need all the adverbs.

Good opening.

Jihad: Sophie Gonzales:

This is an interesting, frightening read. You write well, and this has lots of potential. When you edit this for punctuation, and tighten it a bit, it will make it even stronger. Just a couple of examples below.

…and began to laugh/laughed…Sally began yelping/yelped…began to silently cry/silently cried…Alec’s heart began to race/raced…always brave, began to cry/cried,

He found himself staring wide eyed into the face of his father, before his dad, always strong, always calm, always brave, began to cry.

Suggest: Wide-eyed he stared into his father’s face. His dad, always strong, always calm, always brave, now cried.

Dramatic prologue with shocking ending for Alec and his father.

Will back this now and come back another time when time permits. Midnight here and I have an early start in the morning.

All the best.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

How very interesting! The pitch was good and the prologue really had me hooked. It had me reading on and I was soon captivated by the plot. Nicely written and the story is so imaginative. YA adults will love this specially as they can relate to the young Declan and Kiara's age and point of view. Backed.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

I found myself reading the first three chapters without a break. You have a strong voice and good style of writing. I am not an expert of the craft, so my comments are purely as a reader. As a reader I was hooked.

Liked it!
Backed it!
A look at mine would be appreciated.
Frank, Sicilian Shadows.

Hi

Your book was recommended to me by my friend Tony Freeman - Life Bringer.

I agree with his comments and I am happy to back your book.

Adrian
Jack and Boots.

Not what I thought it would be - still a very god book - well written and pacy.

Backed

Kev

Just my cup of tea! I read the first three chapters, and only stopped because I had to run some errands and get ready for my day job! I would rather continue to read this intriguing story. Look forward to reading more tomorrow. So far so good. Well put together and polished. Nice job.

You cannot have identical male and female twins. It is a biological impossibility. You use a lot of adverbs and that is not good. Instead, use verbs that have a visual component or strong emotional associations. I like the story idea but the underground scenario is a touch improbable. Where would they gat all of their electric to run all of that gear? I mean, without it being noticed. Your prologue is quite good and, as I like the idea of this tory, I am backing it, but you need to tighten it up and lose the adverbs. At the train station in chapter 2 you describe the number of people about as "maybe about 30". This won't do. It breaks the stride and makes the reader feel you are being vague. Say rather that a couple dozen people milled about waiting for the train, or something to that effect. Leave your "maybe" remarks to dialogue. You're the writer. TELL US what we see by showing us.

Loving regards, Callaghan

A well written and great piece. I didn't find anything to nit as you really have a talent at unfolding a story and keeping clean polished work. I was pleased to find this and think it will do great on this site.
I really hope you keep at this, I was engaged through the first three chapters and wish I didn't have to stop, but I do. Work calls.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Sophis, it's a mature, well-thought-out, reasoned piece of work enmeshed in a compelling plot. Quality commercial writing which I hope will do well. Shelved. Lynn

Hi Sophie
What an interesting story line - shelved

Great prologue. Love the idea of a world oppressed, with a resistance movement up and running. You write very well and write crisp dialogue. Your action moves right along as well. Your characters are very likeable. This leaves me with nothing to say to help you. :-(

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)