Headliner

Hi Ilyria. This is a great rags to riches (I hope) story. I could feel Jessica's frustration, stuck in that hot-as-hell, dead beat little town. Your descriptive powers are excellent: I could smell the fries in the diner and the smell of stale beer in the club. It reminds me a bit of one of those Jackie Collins novels, a big blockbusting, sexy, high-octane adventure. All these characters are going to fight tooth and nail to get what they want. Someone said they thought Wolf was a cliche, but aren't all rock stars nowadays? It's part of the job!
On my WL to read more, have starred and will get back to you.
Regards, Kat x Hens from Hell

Emma, this is great. Right up there with Swallow and a great sequel to the first. It's clean, the dialog is sharp and cutting. I love the brassy attitudes your female characters have. The prose is tight and moves right along from scene to scene. I think these two books are going to take off and you'll be another Jackie Collins. Although coming from a rock and roll background, I much prefer your stories and believe you are a much stronger writer.

Hi Emma. Headliner. (I am commenting having read all 10 uploaded chapters). Cinematic, raunchy, atmospheric, entertaining, flows naturally, immaculately crafted -- all the Illyria Moon trademarks from Swallow are firmly in place in this one too. Great to have some Swallow characters surviving into a new book but appearing within a slightly different setting. From backstage sleaze to San Fernando Valley sleaze!...but all done with style, verve, a cheeky hint of tongue in cheek and (crucially) proper 3D characters with whom the reader can empathise (and/or at least understand) rather than the usual 2D soap opera pastiche characters (that can all too often detract from books in this hugely popular genre). Another clear winner from the pen/keyboard of the talented Ms Moon! I look forward to more appearing. BTW one small detail....as far as I recall (...although it's quite a long while since I stuck a straw in a bottle!)....I think Cristal champagne is Cristal with an 'i' rather than Crystal with a 'y'. ATB Simon (Little Bastard/Love Gudrun Ensslin)

This is good lucid storytelling, immediately drawing you into a milieu, with its sights, sounds and smells—particularly the smell of food! The dialogue crackles and you can easily visualise the characters—the slobby dad, the moody rock star. The writing style has great page-turnability and the 11,000 words rushed by. You know where the story’s headed and you want compare what happens next to your own guesses. I think this has real commercial potential.

Jessica, a woman so many of us can relatee to. I enjoyed the first chapter and have rated this well. Goofd luck with the book
Red

What's not to like about this? It's natural, easy reading with a hint of a kick to come. There isn't enough of it here to get a total feel for it, but it's clear you are a natural at this.

Two tiny things concerned me: In Chapter 1, it says "Bobby sounded the horn and waved him off." But I think you may mean SHE waved him off. And in Chapter 2, when she gets home and finds Rico cooking, he grabs her and is "waving THE fish slice around." But this seems to be the first mention of a fish slice, so it threw me off. (If he was merely waving A fish slice, it would not have made me stop to wonder.)

It's always fun to watch dreamers dream. I hope these guys get what they need from each other!

Started reading this and couldnt stop. Dialogue is appropriate for the characters, snappy, sharp and flows beautifully.

This has a wonderful start with her disgust at the diner and grows beyond. You have a very natural style, fantastis descriptions which gave me the feel that I was floating above this watching. Kind of like seeing it through someone elses eyes.

Will stay on my self for a while - def doesnt feel life a first draft

KQ x

Hi Ilyria. This is a great rags to riches (I hope) story. I could feel Jessica's frustration, stuck in that hot-as-hell, dead beat little town. Your descriptive powers are excellent: I could smell the fries in the diner and the smell of stale beer in the club. It reminds me a bit of one of those Jackie Collins novels, a big blockbusting, sexy, high-octane adventure. All these characters are going to fight tooth and nail to get what they want. Someone said they thought Wolf was a cliche, but aren't all rock stars nowadays? It's part of the job!
On my WL to read more, have starred and will get back to you.
Regards, Kat x Hens from Hell

I read and enjoyed the first chapter. I think you capture the frustration of small town life well. The characters are believable (especially the sleaze-balls) and the dialogue realistic. Only nitpick, to me Wolf Taylor was a bit of a cliche for an ex rock star, though possibly this is deliberate. Well written and on my WL for further reading and generously starred. Good luck with this.

I think this has a place in mainstream fiction for sure. You are an excellent and smooth writer. As a girl from a small town, I think you hit that hopeless "I'm stuck here, but I want out!" feeling/hope spot on. I definitely sympathize with Jessica, and I am hoping against hope that this is a modern day Cinderella story where the Snake Creek girl hits up with a guy.

Descriptions: fantastic. The feel of the diner, the characters (some of them downright appalling and disgusting at this moment I'm only like Jessica and the rock star guy). I feel like I know your characters before I even meet them, like they are all back home sitting at the truck stop. Dialogue again, it's like real people are talking. The ebb and flow, the talk of celebrities, the general meanderings of the conversations...spotless in my opinion.

I don't have much to say for critiquing because this is out of my genre, but I have to say I have run across your pitch and it didn't sale me. I think your short pitch is good, but your long pitch doesn't do you chapters justice. I mean I'm only on chapter 2 and Wolf is just starting to come into the picture. Is this a story about Jessica getting the guy or the prince picking up the girl? Because when you open it up, it feel like a its Jessica dreaming about getting a guy and I would personally connect with that better in a pitch, because jumping from pitch to chapter one...I don't feel like I'm reading the same story. I don't know if that makes sense, feel free to ask me about this or not.

Other than that, top notch. I'm still sorting space on my shelf, so I hope to pop you on it soon. I wish I had five more slots!

-Christian Rogue

Haha, this is quite funny. The dialog works really well, even without tags. That's really well done.
Is Jessica like you Ilyria?? :) She sounds really nice, I like her! I want wolf taylor too - but maybe not after the accident... The characterization is done really well! Higly rated. Thanks for sharing. :)

i should read more of this, so you are on my shelf, for now...
Seasons...

What a great read! I just loved the uninhibited language. I'M on the edge of my seat for more! Gordon The harpist of Madrid

You skillfully draw us into Jessica's desperate world. We empathize with her dreams and cringe at her greasy customers. Well done.
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

BACKING you cos I backed your other book.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Ilyria, I love the ins & out of the famous people & how they have to cope with life, too, even in the limelight. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

HEADLINER
This is an interesting story: an inside look at what goes on in rock bands, both while they’re on the way up and on the way down. I like the way you began this with Jessica talking about Wolfe; a clever way to introduce who he is and what happened to him. Summer is a good contrast to her. Wolfe comes across as likable as Jessica; a reader wants to see the two of them get together. Besides good characters, a mark of this is your obvious knowledge of bands and the media. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hi Emma. It looks as thought his work is going to do well. I have a small feeling that it will. I like the way you write and I will be reading more when I get the time, but just to say that I take enormous pleasure, in backing this peice.

Hope you get the chance to take a peek at mine.

Sincerly
Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

I stumbled across this purely by accident but I am glad I did. Excellent read. Backed.

Pete

Headliner
Hi,
Good opening, but I think the first paragraph might benefit from tightening.
Omit ‘rate’.
Either way, the constant flicker annoyed the hell out of her.
Onscreen desperation filled the diner as contestants vied for a place in American Idol, each ravenous to break free from their monotonous existence.
Regards
Just4kix

llyria,

Your first chapter is chock-full of information for the reader. You have an incredible knack for character description and authentic dialogue. Something I admire. I'm able to understand what's important to each character. Jessica's and Candi's interaction in the small town diner reveals Jessica's desperation and longing for something more.

I like how you mirror her desire to be freed from her sad existence in her customers--some checking lottery tickets, some trying to claw their way out via off-track betting. They all have dreams, holding a glimmer of hope for something better. Then you further reveal Jessica's natural beauty/sexualtiy and how she works it to her advantage to get a better tip--just like Summer in Hollywood.

Sometimes, I come across a book on Authonomy I believe would make a great screenplay. This has all the elements to keep an audience engaged--glamor of Hollywood, sex, drugs, rock 'n roll, mystery.

A couple of observations: I notice your first chapter is a bit lengthy. Personally, I prefer a shorter first chapter, but that's my own psychological mind game I play. I feel if I can move through the first chapter, I'm more willing to commit to reading further. I feel your first two segments introducing Jessica and Summer would suffice as one chapter. Another observation, I notice Summer and Jessica are not mentioned in your pitch, but Brett and Wolf are the main characters. Through your crafty writing, I became attached to Jessica and Summer and am intrigued as to how they fit into the story and whether they're important enough to be mentioned in the pitch as well.

Quality writing, creative concept, cool cover image and title.

Wishing you all the best.

Backed,
Janine
MY KIND OF CRAZY

I read it.

I loved it.

I backed it.

Suzannah.

This is great, should be published.

A wonderful follow-up for Swallow! This has the same nice tight prose and snappy dialogue. It made me laugh and, more importantly, kept me reading. backed, of course.

Sessha

Wow, funny, fast paced and lighthearted, then you hit the reader with the menace of the last 2 paras, brill and backed, well done, Maggie P.

Wow! This is fantastic. It reads like on of Jackie Collins' early stories - a delicious mix of sex, ambition, and danger. Cheerfully backed.

Hi Ilyria!

I came back to see if I could offer some more help - popped into chapter six this time because I know sometimes the later chapters get neglected as far as editing goes... I'm not sure I'm going to be of much help, though - you've certainly been through this with a fine-toothed comb! The only thing that looked out of place to me (and I could be completely wrong on this one) was your reference in P9 to the "after show party" - I think perhaps there should be a hyphen (after-show party) since after and show combine to describe the party. If you agree, there were a couple of other references in the latter part of the chapter. If not, totally disregard that. It's my only note I wrote, other than I love your style of writing! I'm pretty sure I backed this earlier, but am popping it back up on my shelf just in case I didn't before. Great job!

Kim
Invisible Justice / Brute Justice

Fun game with beads… (laughing) You're so bad. Or good.

Great dialogue and wicked imagination! Backed!

Hi, Emma.

What a wonderful find! Great atmosphere and flow.... Nothing to really nit.

Backed, J.A. Johnson
(The Wild, Wild Quest)

Emma, this is great. Right up there with Swallow and a great sequel to the first. It's clean, the dialog is sharp and cutting. I love the brassy attitudes your female characters have. The prose is tight and moves right along from scene to scene. I think these two books are going to take off and you'll be another Jackie Collins. Although coming from a rock and roll background, I much prefer your stories and believe you are a much stronger writer.

Hi Emma,

Oh my God I love this...Swallow was FAB & I'm loving Headliner (great title) I would so buy both of your books.
Your short pitch had me singing Whitesnake and your long pitch made me back before reading.

So nice glass of rose and three chapters in (I WILL be reading all that's uploaded) and girl, you've got me hooked. Great character names (I have a Summer in Betrayal). I was nodding along with Jessica about the time she nearly met Wolf -it was like the time I nearly met JonBon Jovi when he stayed at the Radisson in Liverpool, two doors away from my office - I cried all day!!) fab hook at the end of chapter one.

It's so glam and hell yes it's a bonkbuster!! Loved the part about te pole dancing...I did a course of pole dancing classes recently and the song our routine was for was...Pour some sugar on me! So I'm there with Summer & Angel!!

As I said I will be reading more, but this is my type of story - it's got everything. Already backed, but I'd back it again if I could.

Lovin your work - you rock! ;o)

Love Bev x

Betrayal & Love Overboard

With well-crafted dialogue, a thrilling plot, outstanding characterization all developed through excellent prose, I predict Headliner will be making news on the book circuit very soon. Both shelved and Today's Pick I Like for 12/18/09: http://newandgoodreading.blogspot.com/2009/12/todays-pick-i-like-121809.html

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

There is a hard edge to your writing that seems to fit this story perfectly.
Not my type of read but I can see the appeal.
Good luck, I'll spin it on my shelf for a bit.
MickR - The Nightcrawler

Hi Emma. Headliner. (I am commenting having read all 10 uploaded chapters). Cinematic, raunchy, atmospheric, entertaining, flows naturally, immaculately crafted -- all the Illyria Moon trademarks from Swallow are firmly in place in this one too. Great to have some Swallow characters surviving into a new book but appearing within a slightly different setting. From backstage sleaze to San Fernando Valley sleaze!...but all done with style, verve, a cheeky hint of tongue in cheek and (crucially) proper 3D characters with whom the reader can empathise (and/or at least understand) rather than the usual 2D soap opera pastiche characters (that can all too often detract from books in this hugely popular genre). Another clear winner from the pen/keyboard of the talented Ms Moon! I look forward to more appearing. BTW one small detail....as far as I recall (...although it's quite a long while since I stuck a straw in a bottle!)....I think Cristal champagne is Cristal with an 'i' rather than Crystal with a 'y'. ATB Simon (Little Bastard/Love Gudrun Ensslin)

Headliner:

Llyria, I love your writing, the way you take snapshots with each line and turn them into moving pictures. You also have a good ear for dialogue.

I wasn't expecting the man at the end, and this makes me want to read on, but I'm going to back this first.

Just noticed one little error in this chapter. …and while waited for the lights… Needs 'she' waited.

All the best,

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Very nice writing. I am sooooo tired that i can hardly comment after today's reads. However, your work picked me up, and i found a second wind.

You pulled me along nicely with some great characterisation and tight prose. Wonderful stuff.

BACKED

Wow, this is cool, confident writing. No need for flannel, no need for fancy tricks - you just grab the reader by the throat (or balls) and haul 'em in. Great easy dialogue, cracking pace, nice dollop of sex plus you are clearly mistress (maitresse?!) of the hook.. What's not to like?

I love this and, as you know, it's already well and truly backed.
Jane

Headliner

Hi Ilyria,

I remember Swallow, unique, strong, professional voice. And here we have it again, a confident and very concise beginning. What a great cast of characters and an interesting premise. I have nothing to add to your skills Ilyria, in fact I am in awe of your talent, I am simply going to enjoy this and pop it on my shelf

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

Hi Ilyria!

As always, your writing is outstanding! LOVE the name Wolf for a character, and I've got a Lexie (mine has no second e) in IJ, so am partial to the names you choose. This will be a hit for sure to a huge audience!!!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Here's a new backing from an old fan. You're writing is like fine wine. It just gets better with age. :-)

Rodney

The hook at the end of chapter one gives a chillingly effective message to the reader: turn that page and read on. The story moves on to a soft porn shoot involving Summer and the exotic Angel and a further unscripted session back in Summer's apartment. Another great hook to end the chapter and the reader is getting into the story now. There's a mysterious stalker with revenge on his mind and a cast of characters guaranteed to keep the plot sizzling. There's the odd punctuation slip, nothing serious, but nothing to detract from the pace of the action and the reader is well aware there's far more to come yet as the story proceeds.
You have a real flair for writing realistic dialogue, well suited to the genre with short snappy sentences and dialogue tags kept to the minimum. The book has sex, plenty of it and richly varied, and characters drawn from the seamier side of the glamour and entertainment industry. There's a wide appeal for books of this nature and this will have fans of the genre clamouring for more.
Backed.
Jared.

I gave the first chapter a quick peek, and I'm already hooked - especially with that chilling final sentence. I'll definitely be back to read more closely very soon - for now, straight up to my shelf!

(And who says you're not ready for public consumption? *grin*)

~Traci
Tangled Web
Net Damages

Headliner-

You don't waste any time getting right into things, do you?! You've got this down, you know where you're going. Confident dialog and great set-up for some serious action to come. Needs narrative to fill in some of the background (since it's a sequel) and some work on the scenes themselves to help mood but I think you already know what. Obviously you know how to write for this genre. Good job as always. -Brad (Larcenous Tendencies I & II)