Book Jacket

 

rank 1867
word count 58175
date submitted 06.12.2009
date updated 14.09.2011
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction,...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Bad Blood

Mitch Kelly

First-person recount of an action-packed journey from thief to engineered vampire analogue, injected with dark humour and cutting-edge science, with a jaded, strongly masculine voice.

 

Vampires aren’t real. They are simply creatures of mythology, useful back in the day for scaring kids, nowadays all they’re good for is entertainment.
Pissed off ex-thieves, ‘augmented’ through tissue and biomedical engineering to become vampire simulations, though?
They are real. I would know; I am one.

That’s right. Against my will, I was made into a freak of nature by a bunch of scientists.
You think that sounds like a good thing? Try waking up and finding you've become a super-albino, addicted to consuming blood like a junkie. Then see if you think it sounds cool.

Through three months of surgeries they gave me as many vampiric traits as they could mimic with their extensive technology, and called me a ‘pseudo-vampire’.

Instead, they should have called me what I was – a ticking time bomb. From the moment I woke up in their cell, I had only two things on my mind: escape, and revenge.

Let me tell you one thing now. They picked the wrong man to play God with.

You want to know how I got all of these scars? Let me tell you a little story...

 
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action, action adventure, action thriller, adventure, betrayal, comedy, crime, cutting-edge science, dark humor, dark humour, death, fiction, first pe...

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1 - Heist

The scars? What, you want my Joker story? Ha, I get asked about them so much I usually do just make up some crap to get people to go away. Since we’ve got time and you seem to be comfortable, sure, why not. Hmm, where do I start? Life before I took the job? The interview? The preparations, maybe? No, I think I’ll just skip to where it started to get interesting.

 

I was on the roof of the museum, crouching next to the service shaft’s grate, eyeing the padlock. From my position I could have turned around and had a great view of Central Park, but instead I was focused on the job at hand. I’m not the kind of guy who stops to take in a view, anyway. Unless, of course, it involves a killer set of legs.

The lock looked pretty new. It was your standard modular mechanism with pin tumblers. The stainless steel body and shackle were both unmarked and shiny, but I thought it must have been used a lot, because there were a lot of scratch marks on the face. In any case, I jabbed my picks in, and sprung it open in a few seconds. After wriggling inside I swung the gate closed behind me and left the padlock just inside the door, so it could be replaced when I made my escape. Leaving the maintenance room five minutes later, I was ready for my date with the guard patrols.

Ironically enough, it ended up being like most of my dates. There was a lot of waiting, feeling nervous, awkward silences, and it was rather anticlimactic. In fact, I never even caught sight of a single one of the bastards. To be honest it surprised me – it seemed as though Jenkins’ information was solid.

 

After reaching the storage area in the bowels of the museum, I pulled out the device Jenkins had given me that morning. I simply plugged in the jack to the little hole in the side of the keypad, it flashed and beeped, then the door unlocked with a click. It was ludicrously easy. This was when Jenkins’ offer of $10,000 for one night’s work began to seem waaay too generous. Shit, he could have done it himself, it was that simple.

I mean, a freakin’ museum has only a padlock on a grate, and some security people walking around? C’mon, there should have been motion sensing alarms for multiple sectors, and all sorts of other shit. The place should have been locked up as tight as Fort Knox. I knew that Jenkins’ information was good, but I started to think he may have paid his informant to leave off the internal alarms as well.

 

Shaking off those thoughts, I slipped in and closed the door, and searched around the dark little storeroom with my pocket flashlight. After a few minutes I found what I had come for sitting on top of a pile of ancient-looking junk. I compared it to the photo Jenkins had given me, and was satisfied it was the right thing. It didn’t look too special, just a little box with one of those cool-looking Egyptian eyes on it.

I picked it up, wrapped it in some bubble wrap, and was putting it in my backpack when I heard a beep and a click, and the door swung open.

 

In that instant, the flight or fight instinct kicked in. Unfortunately there was only the one way out, so fight was the only option, and my instinct screamed that to my body. I was already leaping at the intruder when I actually took in his appearance. It wasn’t one of the patrols, but someone dressed in black, holding a little electronic device with a dangling jack.

When I crashed into him, slamming both of us into the doorjamb, a single thought flashed through my mind, ‘hmmm, that’s strange. As we both crumpled to the ground in a tangled heap, he let out a strained, guttural groan.

I rolled away, zipped up my pack, then slung it onto my back as I stood. The other guy was slow to move, and he was clutching his middle. I’m pretty sure I winded him when my shoulder sandwiched his guts to the doorframe. I contemplated knocking him out with a swift kick to the head, but instead opted to just walk, leaving him writhing on the floor of the storeroom moaning pathetically.

*

Backtracking towards the maintenance area, I managed to avoid the guard patrols again. However one hallway away from the maintenance room, I stopped dead in my tracks. It suddenly occurred to me that the guy I had met in the storeroom, let’s call him Winded, was carrying the exact same equipment as I was. Of all the places to break into in the city, he had come to the same museum, and opened the same damn door, with the same tech. Either Jenkins really wanted the Egyptian thingy and was hedging his bets, or it was some kind of set-up. They were the only two explanations I could come up with, and both pissed me off. I was going to have to have a little word with Jenkins.

It was only those thoughts that made me stop in front of a window, and pause long enough to look through it as I mulled everything over. Long enough for me to see the hideous sight of three cop cars, the occupants jumping out and readying their weapons.

Fuuuuuck,’ I growled, twisting back towards the maintenance room and my exit.

Just in time to see another guy fully decked in black, his bald head flashing the museums overhead lights like a strobe, swinging the maintenance door open.

 

I swear, that moment was the first time in my entire life that I thought that a God existed. That was the only way it could have happened – if some divine, sadistic entity was twisting my fate so he could have a good laugh. I know he’s not technically a God, but I pictured Buddha; large, round and always smiling like a Cheshire cat. Even if he wasn’t doing anything himself, surely he was an agent of the deity, and that patented grin was him enjoying some petty human’s misery.

In my mind the image of Buddha’s face suddenly superimposed over Jenkins’, when he smiled his own cheesy grin as he shook my hand to seal the deal. Right then and there, I wanted to wipe that smile off both of their faces, violently.

 

Luckily I pulled myself back to the situation, and I started weighing up my options. I could have tried to rush the new guy, who I now officially dub Skinhead, like I rushed Winded. It might have worked, but it was more likely not to. Mainly because there was a lot more ground to cover than in the tight confines of the storeroom. That, and I had been lucky the first time.

The flight or fight instinct reared its head again, and let the rest of me know that this time there was an option to flee. If it was a set-up, there would be someone waiting up on the roof anyway, so trying to tussle with the newcomer and leave the same way he and I came in through was probably not a good idea. The museum was a big place though. If I found a good enough spot, I thought the cops would pick up the other guys, and I would be able to slip out eventually.

It would be tricky, but it was the smartest play. I dropped into the shadows by the window before Skinhead could see me. He moved along the wall from the maintenance room, and readied himself to peer into the next corridor.

 

As he did, one of the security guards came around the corner at the other end of the hall. The guard stopped and let out a squeal when he saw a dude all dressed in black, about 60 feet away.

He quickly recovered from his shock, snapping up his taser and yelling, Hey you, don’t move!

Skinhead turned, and I saw that he was holding a handgun, some kind of semiautomatic. The security guy squeezed his trigger as his eyes registered the weapon. Well, I’m pretty sure he did it as soon as he saw the weapon, anyway. I don’t think they are allowed to shoot at someone who has a finger on the trigger of a gun. Seems pretty obvious, with the whole jerking when electrocuted thing, but hey, I suppose if you see a dude with a gun you’d probably just want to drop the fucker, right?

 

The dart sped from the taser. I couldn’t believe it, I thought tasers had a range of maybe 15 yards, and the rods they shot were wired to the taser. Instead, the taser’s dart crunched into Skinhead’s chest, a moment after he finished his turn from the corridor to face the guard behind him.

The dart’s tiny explosive charge sent several needle-like electrodes into Skinhead’s flesh, and squeezed some piezoelectric material, so that 30,000 volts sizzled out. Yes, I didn’t know that at the time, and surfed the net to find out how the thing worked. It was that freaking cool.

Skinhead’s teeth clamped together and his body convulsed crazily, sending his hand jerking up and curling all of his fingers, including the one on the trigger of his pistol. The gun bucked, and the bullet rocketed straight into the security guard’s neck, blowing a gory mess onto the display behind him.

It was all over so quickly. One second two guys were going about their business, the next, one is dead and the other is foaming at the mouth, sliding down the wall to the floor. Fuck me. I got my wits about me quickly though, and ran down the hall away from the two downed men.

*

As I ran, I saw a sign proclaiming that the Native American gallery was ahead. Luckily, I hadn’t come across one of the cops yet. They were probably making their way through the maze of long corridors, but I knew it wouldn’t be long until more came and covered all the exits. I had to find another way out, fast.

I reached the gallery and began to assess my options. Being on the second level of the building, I could either go up to the roof, back down to the first floor, or hope for a fire escape from the floor I was on. I still suspected that going up was a bad idea, so that option was out. I spun around, noting all the little signs dangling from the roof, pointing every which way. The dinosaur area, the taxidermy department, the civil war section. One sign, pointing to the door on the right of where I came in, said: Lobby. There was no way I was going that way. I was pretty sure that’s where I’d be most likely to meet a cop or another guard.

 

I gazed at the artefacts around me, hoping to get some inspiration. One case held a pair of Tomahawks, as well as some other trinkets. They looked deadly, and really cool. Another display held a feathered headdress, for a chief or something, I guess. Not so cool. The artefacts didn’t give me any inspiration whatsoever. In fact, the sightseeing was simply wasting time, and I didn’t have any. So I began an Eenie-Meenie-Minie-Mo between the door on the left, and the one straight ahead.

Out of nowhere I heard a rubber-on-tile squeak. I whipped around to see Winded charge into the room from behind me, clutching a nasty looking curved sword that had jewels glistening on the hilt. What the fuck, right?

Give me the box! He screamed, slashing the blade at my gut.

I jumped backwards and slammed straight into a display case. It toppled and shattered, sending Geronimo’s feather hat sliding away, with a dusting of glittery glass specks. If you hadn’t noticed, I like shiny things. There were also some larger shards of glass and while they weren’t shiny, they sure looked sharp.

As Winded stepped forward, I grabbed a handful of small shards and threw them in his general direction. While the glove I wore protected my hand, it, coupled with my awkward position on the floor, made for a terrible throw. Still, seeing the action he tried to protect his face, and stopped his forward progress.

 

As I scrambled on my hands and knees towards the Tomahawk display case, the shards pattered pathetically against his coat, and he once again focused on me. The fool was really pissed off. I knew that if I tried to give him the damn eye-box, he probably would have stuck me with the expensive and vicious looking sword anyway. I needed to go on the offensive, or maybe even just slow him down a bit so I could get some distance.

Reaching the case I wanted, I sprung up onto my feet, leaning backwards against the case. I faced him, then looked at the door to each side of me, feigning indecision and confusion. He took the bait and lunged forward, arcing the blade down to bite deep into my left shoulder. As soon as he was committed to the strike I dropped straight to the floor, smacking down onto my back.

The blade crunched into the glass box above the wooden case, sending wickedly sharp shards cart-wheeling in all directions. I shielded my face with my hands as the blade continued on its course, Winded not able to fight inertia.

It thudded into the wood, destroying most of the case, and sending the contents clattering down around me. The wood was not thick, but the parts of the broken case bent together in a jumble, snagging the blade, and he had to work it a bit to get it free.

 

I used the slim opportunity to pick up the closest Tomahawk, and hacked at the side of his left knee. The mix of squishing, thudding and cracking was brutal. It put movie sound effects to shame, let me tell you. He instantly howled and released his grip on the sword, using both hands to clutch at his leg.

I kicked out with all my strength, punching both feet into his right, uninjured, knee. It flew out from under him, and for an instant he seemed fine. Then as his body weight adjusted, all of it resting on his left leg, I swear I could see the blood drain straight from his face and spurt out of his mangled knee.

He crumpled, the knee bent at a grotesque angle. I can’t remember if he even screamed with the kick and subsequent topple, or if the sheer absurdity of getting a Tomahawk in the knee shocked him so much that he was dull to the pain that followed. From the way he went limp, it looked like he passed out. I didn’t really care; I had only one thing on my mind - getting the hell out of there.

*

As I went to get up, I saw that my left hand had been impaled by a shard as I went for the Tomahawk, and was beginning to drip blood onto the carpet. I removed it and shoved it into one of my pockets, then clutched my hand to my belly to try and stop the bleeding. I snapped up the other Tomahawk with my right, and hacked away at the section of carpet that my blood had touched. No way was I going to give them that kind of evidence. Once I gouged it out, I pocketed the little scrap of carpet too.

Before I could even think about choosing which way to go again, one of the cops leapt around the doorframe, his pistol clutched in both hands, pointing straight out at chest height.

He caught sight of Winded (well, should probably call him Mangled now) first, his gun slanting down.

 

What the hell? He said.

He didn’t even see me as I threw the Tomahawk at him in a looping diagonal overhand. It didn’t spin gracefully end over end as I had imagined, but did a single half-turn, so that the thick end of the shaft where the head was attached smacked into the cop’s chest.

He dropped the gun, probably half because I surprised the shit out of him, and half because it gave him a hefty whack. I mean, he probably had the same instinct to protect the injury as Mangled had with the knee. I wasn’t going to complain, the dumbass dropped his gun, for whatever reason.

I immediately pounced up and closed the distance, drove my knee into his stomach, then smashed my elbow up into his jaw in a beautiful uppercut. He slumped to the ground, unconscious.

I resorted to doing an Eenie-Meenie-Minie-Mo to decide my exit earlier, so I continued, finishing on the left door, and dashed out.

*

As it turned out, I’m a pro at the rhyming, racist, and childish method of decision making. After negotiating a couple of corridors I quickly came to a door with one of those push-bar things across it, and above said door; a green exit sign. It was a beautiful sight. I sprinted to it, dropping my shoulder and crashing into it at full speed. The doors flapped open and crashed into the side of the building, and I smelt the cool, sweet night air.

My moment of bliss was interrupted by a call from below, Freeze!

Son of a bitch,’ I thought, the cops are everywhere. When I thought about it, both cops and robbers alike had been popping out of the woodwork all over. I looked down the stairs in front of me, to see the cop standing with a car between him and me. He was resting his elbows on the hood to support his outstretched, pistol-wielding hands.

 

I was getting too weary for subtlety. I snapped off two shots from the other cop’s gun, sending him ducking behind the engine block. I slid down the rail, then fired off another shot as I used the momentum of the slide to take three dashing strides towards the back of the car.

I was now on the same level as the cop, but I was behind the boot and hurtling in at full speed, while he was hiding at the front of the car, crouching at the fender. I hadn’t even thought of what I was doing. It wasn’t until I leapt over the boot that I wondered if I would make it. Maybe an animal instinct thought that I could clear the car in one bound and clothesline the cop.

Yeah, no. I hit the roof once, bouncing and twisting a little, so that I flew over the bonnet almost horizontally. As the cop was popping up to see where I had gone, I thumped into him like a linebacker at full steam into an off-balance, unsuspecting quarterback.

We smacked down to the tarmac, his chest crushed between the unforgiving blacktop and my considerable momentum. Unlike when I sandwiched Winded, ah, Mangled against the doorframe, this time I heard the snap of ribs, and a corresponding squelchy, tearing sound that I suspected was the ripping of flesh. That’s right, ow. Shit am I glad he landed first. I rolled off him, kicked his gun away, and grabbed his keys. I was getting out of there as quickly as I could, and his ride was the most convenient way to do just that.

 

I fired up the engine, wound down the window, put it into drive, and slammed my foot down on the accelerator. No wonder the cops hardly ever caught us ‘bad guys’. Jackasses don’t drive stick. How can you expect to catch any self-respecting criminal in a decent car if you don’t have the control of changing gears manually? Anyway, as the car began to move I chucked the cop’s gun out of the window. I wouldn’t need it, and it didn’t have my prints. Growing up watching cop shows taught me something pretty valuable to my line of work; sever all connections to a crime scene.

I shot out of the alley onto Columbus Avenue, fishtailing as I turned left to go south. I wanted to go straight across to Jersey, towards the address Jenkins had given me, but it would have to wait.

 

Oh shit, I just realised I didn’t really introduce that asshole properly. Well, I had been given a tip from a fence that some rich dude was looking to hire someone for a job, and because I needed the cash, I thought I’d scope it out. The rich guy turned out to be Jenkins. He came off as a hugely pompous ass, trying to look down at me even though he was a couple of inches shorter. Usually I’d tell him what for, but since he offered me ten grand for one night’s work, I snatched his down payment, and got myself ready for the job.

As you can tell, I was a bit of a dumbass, and I should never have trusted him. Even though it was really my fault for being so fucking naïve, I was going to teach that stuck-up motherfucker a lesson in manners. First things first though, I needed to pull off a little misdirection. Just in case any cops saw me leave, or they could track the cop car.

 

Drifting around intersection after intersection, I finally came to the tiny alleyway I was after. I parked the cop car in the middle of the main street, the keys in the ignition and the doors wide open. Even if it didn’t get stolen, it had no connection to me. The way I’d left it though, I’d say it had about ten minutes of freedom before it found a new owner. I stalked into the alley, and found my stashed gear right where I left it. A bicycle, change of clothes, and backpack. The only reason they hadn’t been stolen was because I covered them liberally with trash from a nearby dumpster.

I transferred the eye-box into the new, bright-red pack, then began stripping off my black garb. I tossed them into the rusty metal drum beside my cache. I put on my new gear; a cycling road-race suit and helmet. Very visible, and not in the least discreet. Perfect for avoiding suspicion.

When I was ready, I drew a matchbox from the red bag, struck a match, and dropped it into the drum. The rags soaked in lighter fluid and newspapers I had put in there earlier flared up immediately. All was set. I just had to go and lodge a complaint with my employer.

Preferably in the form of a right hook.

*

Twenty minutes later I was outside the warehouse in Jersey that was apparently where I was supposed to take Jenkins’ loot. I stowed my bike, then gave myself ten minutes to catch my breath and get composed. I didn’t want to go into the situation out of breath and unprepared.

Finally ready, I marched up to the door and kicked it open. Nothing like a good old dramatic entrance when you’re trying to make a point. As soon as I crossed the threshold I could see Jenkins, sitting in a comfortable looking armchair, right in the middle of the vast space.

He had grey hair, parted in a neat line straight down the middle of his scalp. He looked around sixty – some deep lines on his forehead, but he wasn’t wrinkly, per se. His eyes were blue, with no sign of the sparkle you see in a person who lives happily. His clothes were probably designer, but how the hell would I know? All I could say is that the cream suit looked pretty damn expensive.

Like when I had first met him, he was literally looking down his nose at me - even though he was sitting. Either he thought he was better than me, or he was just trying to stick his jaw far enough away from his neck so that he didn’t look like he had a double chin. As I said, he came off as a seriously pompous ass, practically exuding condescension.

 

Before I could begin my rant, he started to applaud. Clap … Clap … Clap It was one of those slow, ironic claps. I opened my mouth again, ready to tear him a new one. What was the bastard playing at?

When I was only about ten yards away from him, he said, You did well, Mr. Reynolds. Remarkably well actually. I had heard you were resourceful, but you really are something else entirely. I can see I chose the right man.”

I took a step forward, seething, You set me up, you sneaky son of a bitch.

His jowls flapped as he replied, “Of course I set you up. You think I would hand out cash like candy, and that you could take a priceless museum piece as easy as dropping into a building, walking into a room, and walking out? Surely you can’t be that naïve.

I had been, and I was furious both at myself, and the smarmy little asshole in front of me. I growled, and stormed towards him.

 

Before I could reach him he continued, “However as I said, you exceeded my expectations. You passed my little test with flying colours. As such, I am extending a most generous offer. I will bring you into our organisation. You will never have to scrounge for money again, Mr. Reynolds.

Fuck you, Jenkins, no deal.”

You misunderstand, Mr. Reynolds. As I said, you have done exceptionally well. The way you handled the situation in the museum is exactly what I was after. I am not asking you to join us. I am making you.

I leapt forward, swinging my right fist at his smug face.

In mid-air I felt a thwack in my back, accompanied by what felt like a pinprick. Suddenly my leaping punch was transformed into a ridiculously uncoordinated head-first dive towards the armchair. I couldn’t even fling my arms out in front of me to cushion the fall. Jenkins’ feet and the ground got larger and larger as my face rushed towards them, until they were all I could see.

Then everything went black.

 

Chapters

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Mitch Kelly wrote 861 days ago

Hi everyone,

Wow, the comments lately have been awesome! I can't thank you guys enough.
--
A common comment had been the scientific explanation in chapter two.
On one hand I want to keep it fairly detailed, because the Doc May character is proud of what they achieved, and so in his geeky enthusiasm, he outlines everything they did to JJ.
I think JJ would remember it because if you had just been in unkown surgery, you'd be listening pretty intently.
That said, I know it's an info dump. I tried to cover that with JJ's comment halfway through the talk.
I was tossing up the idea of having JJ hear only snippets, as the medical jargon whooshes over his head.
So, if you read chapter two, it would be good to hear your thoughts on this.
--
Another section I would like to hear what people think about is JJ's description of his blood high in Chapter six.

Cheers everybody!
Mitch

Juliusb wrote 376 days ago

Dear Mitch Kelly,

I am not a fun of fiction, worth still vampire but your with Bad Blood vampire science engineered pissed off ex-thieves, I said let me have long at least at the pitch.

"Through three months of surgeries they gave me as many vampiric traits as they could mimic with their extensive technology, and called me a ‘pseudo-vampire’" orchestrated with "Let me tell you one thing now. They picked the wrong man to play God with" rises curiosity. "Let me tell you a little story..." - aha?

Lara wrote 401 days ago

BHG review
there,s certainly a lot of lively - or rather deadly - action and I like the combination of surprise and a lack of guilt in the first chapter. It did seem over-heavy with weapons and injuries and I wondered if it would have even more impact if the action had descriptive, refletive or back story interspersed.

The title strikes familiar and I believe there is already a novel with the same one. the short pitch is not doing its job well. You could almost leave it with just the first sentence for that does attract. the rest is more like back cover blurb saying what kind of writer you are.

the long pitch does use your narrative voice somewhat but It needs a little more polishing.

It,s an interesting premise and there are a lot or possibilities from this starting point. so far as I,ve read you do keep the interest going.


the long pitch could also do with a re-think.

rhine wrote 408 days ago

Brutal Honesty Crit Group: Review for Bad Blood

cover: good motif
pitch: fragment beginning Pissed off. but otherwise does the job of getting people in.

Publishability
Your action scenes are great and the whole conspiracy + vampire with a heart of gold is great.
You'll need to polish a little more first (see below and email). Add more character descriptions and dialog.
The paranormal genre is big right now.

Plot –
Joker story : only works for people who saw and liked the last Batman. Dates your piece narrowly.
Indeed, I would cut the whole first paragraph. The only relevant part is "The scars", in which case, you should change the section title to "How I earned my scars"
what did you do in the maintenance room for five minutes?
action sequences need shorter sentences for immediacy.
The dart acted too fast. I don't think even curari is that quick.
Project Vampire a little too obvious and would cause information leaks. pick an obscure name for Transylvania: Ardeal, Erdel. Or Metagoth
I like the attempting to pull the trigger repeatedly.
The bad guys need to offer him payment - the carrot to go with the stick.
but in 3, trundling sounds like walking, then suddenly there's a driver. Be explicit about what they get in when.
I didn't believe the skin sensitivity that wears off when they want it to. Skin shed like every 7 days or something. If it's there after 3 months, it's permanent.
Tell us it's an adjacent building before they go up.
Technical note: people with this much tech would have a superglue + morphine patch to apply to the neck and any other gashes.
Tell us how many shots in the clip and how many he fired in each melee
technical note - wouldn't changing the skin wipe or fade tattoos?
big gap between 3 and 4. Seems unlikely that they have a combat mission every other day. Even less likely that nothing noteworthy happened on over thrity missions.
with 5 guns, wouldn't he have a back up knife for when he runs out of ammo or has to cack his keeper?
Unclear if Rand killed the first person.
Is the protection device his or stolen from Rand?

Pacing –
pretty much no back story. we need more through out. who he is, where he's from, etc.
need a teensy bit more backstory before he goes in to the museum. Maybe move some of the Jenkins paragraph from the later to the first reference.
But you did a very good job of rapidly pulling us into and through the action except the whole "two months later" jump.

Characters/Characterization
Other than the South African, I don't think you described anyone physically, or even how many.
You also didn't tell us names like May or Rand till the end of 3. Move to start of 2.
After the museum, I couldn't see him as a thief. He doesn't see things in terms of monetary value, spot cameras, or sensors, etc.
I didn't know he was JJ until reading your comments afterward

Point of View/Voice
very comfortable, fun main character. I like the Bugs Bunny references.
but you pop out of stream to often: "I know, ... there won't be a test."
you combine american football references and american gunfights with british boot, bonnet, and tarmac.

Style –
Sentence level –
sent in email separately.
You have a good grasp of mechanics, you just need to be less verbose. Some of this is the first person style, I understand. But action requires focus.

Dialogue
not much early on
good as new -> better than
the first two paragraphs of three should be converted to dialogue.
need more dialogue with the kids in the SWAT van

Originality
I think this is the first forced vampire thief - usually they're wererats with clinging. It feels like a role-playing game (which I like)
such as Shadowrun, Nightlife, etc. I'm glad it's not another witch hot for a vampire and a werewolf.
I only did the first four chapters, but so far, very fresh.

Scott Rhine (Jezebel's Ladder)

KDVal wrote 423 days ago

From the Brutal Honesty Critique Group

Plot

Chapter 1
I have to admit, I had a bit of a hard time following at first, getting confused by the people attacking the MC in the museum, especially when the security guards were involved. I had to go back and reread some parts to clarify. There are other things I was not clear on, like how the MC got the gun or how he was able to kick someone in the knees without ending up on the ground.
Chapter 2
This chapter was easier to follow than Chapter 1. It flowed better and I didn't really have to go back and look at anything. One thing that bothered me was the MC essentially being out for three months. I'm not sure he would be able to get up, even with all the enhancements, so easily.

Pacing

Chapter 1
Some parts dragged for me, such as the part mentioning the lock. I was expecting to come back to the lock with so much detail being given to it. Also, the little flashback in the segment where the MC is talking about Buddha and seeing his face superimposed on Jenkins' took me out of the action. The fight scene was also long for me and it seemed all over the place which made me have a hard time following what was happening. It didn't feel like the length of the fight scene got me into the plot quick enough.
Chapter 2
Some parts dragged, like the intense detail about what was done to the main character. I'm not sure this section is helped by the book being in first person. The in depth explanation of what happened seemed to slow down everything and I'm not sure if a doctor would really go into all that depth with the patient, especially if it is with someone who might try and get revenge for what has been done to them. It's almost like the “villain explaining how he vanquished the hero” trope.

Characters/Characterization

Chapter 1
The MC was hard for me to connect with and I had a hard time sympathizing with him. Perhaps it is his line of work, but there still needed to be something to connect with. I'm sort of wondering if he is only doing this job for the money and why he is in this line of work. With the chapter being so long and with so much action happening in it, I was wanting to see hints of why he was doing this in the first place. I also wondered why he didn't know this was a set-up right away and just cut his losses and go home with the pad-lock being the only security.
Chapter 2
The MC kind of believes it too quickly. When he went to sleep, I almost expected him to wake up thinking it was a dream and then see himself in the mirror or something. It seemed odd that he really took it surprisingly well. There were also some moments with the doctor that seemed out of character, like the moment when he was getting defensive. Especially after the in depth explanation about what happened to the MC.

Point of View/Voice

Chapter 1
The voice is very conversational but I found it a little easy to get lost with some of the narration.
Chapter 2
The first person narrative didn't really help out this chapter. It seemed odd that he could recite all of that detail when the narrative voice is so conversational.

Style

Chapter 1
I can tell the style is less formal and more conversational, but in some places it makes the story hard to follow.
Chapter 2
The in depth section monologue from the doctor doesn't quite fit with the tone that has been set of the book being less formal. It doesn't seem like something the character would be memorizing to recall later.

Sentence level

Chapter 1
Some issues I noticed: capitalizing “tomahawk” - it is not a proper noun so it does not need to be capitalized.

Dialogue

Chapter 1
The dialogue at the end was okay and I did like Jenkins stating what I was thinking when it came to the ease of the heist.
Chapter 2
The monologue the doctor gives dragged a bit and seemed unnatural for the tone you've set with this. Also, the line the doctor says when he is getting defensive was a bit jarring after how the doctor had been previously talking to the man.

Originality

Chapter 1 reminded me of most action films concerning a man pulling a heist for someone else and then the whole thing turning out to be a set up. The pitch is really the only reason I was curious enough to read the next chapter see how he becomes a vampire, but the first chapter does not do enough to make me want to keep reading. When I got to chapter two, I could see more originality, but there is still some things that remind me of other vampire novels, such as the extremely muscular build. It seemed, especially with the 8 pack, like the modern idea of vampires being closer to a sex symbol.

Publishability

Parts of the first chapter were very difficult to get through because of their flow and that might be hard for an agent as well when they review it. Perhaps go back and look at places that might be a little bit unclear in action and check on the continuity, especially in that first chapter.

Good luck and I hope this is helpful!
- K. D.

Intriguing Trails wrote 441 days ago

Bad Blood
AWESOME! This is one of the most compelling, entertaining and exciting novels I've ever read! Great!

Your short pitch needs work. I think if you use part of your long pitch ..."After surgery they called me a psuedo-vampire ... They really shouldn't have done it. The only thing I wanted was to get out! But ..." come up with something really compelling like the rest of it!

Your mechanics are very good. I noticed a few missing commas.

This will be on my WL and will sit on my shelf as soon as there is a space.
Raechel
Echo

B A Morton wrote 455 days ago

Mitch,
Loving the pace of this and the first person works really well. Ch1 fairly hurtled along, could almost hear the "mission impossible fuse" Your MC is likeable and his asides to the reader are amusing. Ch2, now that's clever stuff. Ch3 and the bad boy's are out to play and by comparison Reynolds is starting to shine. Ch4 and it's confirmed, he may have been turned into a freak, but he's a good freak.
This is such an easy read, lots happening, believable reactions to unbelievable things. An excellent thriller with a twist. Will be reading on, high starred and WL'd in the meantime.

Babs

Nanty wrote 466 days ago

Bad Blood.
Chapter 1 - The reader meets Reynolds on the roof of a museum just as he's about to break in. A very business-like opening. He's been employed to steal a box for someone who is prepared to pay handsomely to get it. Not frantic about Reynolds directly addressing a reader. For me, it lessened the drama of a theft gone wrong and made it light-heartedly flippant. 'He caught sight of Winded (well, should probably call him Mangled now' is unrealistic in such a tense situation, as Reynolds would surely be focused on surviving and getting away unscathed, not making silly quips. The fight scene would be over in a matter of minutes if not seconds and because it follows every move made during it, a lot of tension is lost, in my opinion.
Chapter 2 - Reynolds comes across as too impulsive. Storming into Jenkins home/office is rather unprofessional and lands him in the soup, which turns out to be of genetic composition. Liked your description of the scientist's explanations of augmentations installed, to enhance Reynolds narural abilities and the fail safe system installed in him to make sure he complies with what Jenkins wants done. It sounded very authentic. 'I woke up some time later', if Reynolds hadn't there wouldn't be a story maybe something like - I have no clue how long I slept, I only know I slept deeply.
In the overcrowded, done to death vampire genre this is a refreshing twist. The pace is very fast and will probably appeal to young adults.

Nanty - Chrys!

Sue50 wrote 469 days ago

Bad Blood was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side. I read, rated, and BACKED your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side and find a place for it on your shelf. Thanks.
Sue50

A. L. Reynolds wrote 469 days ago

This is an original take on the vampire idea - it's nice to see it lifted out of the Twilight mould. Your book opens with great drama and pace, and is well written and exciting. Although it's not the kind of thing I would normally read I found myself carried along with events in this first chapter - and I very much liked the intrigue you opened up at the end with the promise of finding out the story behind the robbery. My only criticism of this chapter was that I found it a little over-long - but I'm not so keen on fight scenes - others may differ.
Well worth backing,

Anna
Angelwings

Mona0622 wrote 483 days ago

Let me start out by saying that I don’t normally do in-depth commentary because I don’t think that I’ve been writing long enough to be able to help others out.

To start off, it was hard for me to switch of pleasure reading into critical reading because your story is enjoyable (which when you think about it, is a good thing).

Chapter 1:
-the first few lines draw the reader right in, with them wanting more.
-a few paragraphs in, you get the idea that something isn’t right, urging the reader to read on and find out what.
-I understand why you use the phrase ‘fight or flight’, but I think that it is used too much. [This has been brought to my attention recently for my writing, so now I’m seeing it more often. I don’t know if it is that I’m oversensitive to it or if the issue is really there. Your call.]
-as I’ve never been inside a thief’s head, I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think that einy-meeny-miney-mo goes well there. If you put it in for comic relief, however, it works.
-as things continue, you get the sense that Jenkins has something to do with the dread you’ve been feeling via the MC
-at the end, you have no idea what happened to the MC and I can think of no reason that would cause someone to stop reading there

Chapter 2:
-the reader is right there with the MC while he discovers everything that has changed. The plot moves quickly along.
-even if everyone does not understand all of the technical terms, you still get the idea that many drastic changes were made. (Being an engineer, I found the way that you used one of the big research topics in your story, albeit in a twisted/unique manner.)
-the reader experiences everything right along with the MC
-again, the end of the chapter leaves the reader hungry for more.

I hope that this helped you and/or was what you were looking for.

dlmstudios wrote 505 days ago

Stylized and slick, this adventure reads like a detective story- first person account. Although the story shows promise with original characters and ideas, the novel itself needs a good edit. A writer's group in your area is always a positive influence on someone's work.

thank you, dawn
Blood War

Narwhon wrote 550 days ago

A few too many I's but otherwise an entertaining and pretty well written read. I enjoyed it and had no problems with the tempo and rhythm of the writing. Backed.
Cheers, B. Cameron Lee (Diary of a Serial Killer)

Narwhon wrote 550 days ago

A few too many I's but otherwise an entertaining and pretty well written read. I enjoyed it and had no problems with the tempo and rhythm of the writing. Backed.
Cheers, B. Cameron Lee (Diary of a Serial Killer)

Narwhon wrote 550 days ago

A few too many I's but otherwise an entertaining and pretty well written read. I enjoyed it and had no problems with the tempo and rhythm of the writing. Backed.
Cheers, B. Cameron Lee (Diary of a Serial Killer)

Narwhon wrote 550 days ago

A few too many I's but otherwise an entertaining and pretty well written read. I enjoyed it and had no problems with the tempo and rhythm of the writing. Backed.
Cheers, B. Cameron Lee (Diary of a Serial Killer)

carole austin wrote 586 days ago

I have read and thoroughly enjoyed your first chapter and will make time to read the rest. Your writing shows a good sense of rhythm and tension which sweeps the reader along quickly, and your idea is very different. I like it and will back and put on my watchlist. Return the favour if you have time?

Bocri wrote 586 days ago

The pitch for Bad Blood grabbed me with its underlying controlled aggression and I thought that if the ensuing prose was like this then. . .It was, so no worries there, then. A modern update of Frankie's piecemeal baby, it is written in non shrinking violet prose and an in-your-face narrative that buzzes. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

KirkH wrote 595 days ago

Cool chapter 2 Mitch,
I still don't understand why they had to make Reynolds LOOK like a vampire? I mean Bella Lagossi Dracula stuff? White face, sharp teeth, feels pain with the sunlight and silver, etc. Why didn't they force him to sleep in a coffin and say to everybody, "Good Evening" with a transylvanian accent? Jenkins has no originality!
Doctor's description of the procedure sounded brilliant. Good research Mitch :-)
Had Reynolds looked more like a human but with vampire powers (like in the Twilight movie) it might seem realistic, but now the poor guy looks like an Adams Family reject. No wonder he's pissed and wants to avenge Jenkins.
Will read on.
Kirk

Herschel Shirley wrote 600 days ago

Very well written. Your dialogue and characterizations are excellent. Backed.

I hope you will take a look at my novel, Earth Reaver. I welcome any comments and your backing.

Herschel Shirley

Kevin Alex Baker wrote 603 days ago

Mitch,

You've got a winner here! This is rocket-paced and a lot of fun. Your narration has the exact stylistic pop that it needs, and you've got a perfect amount of twists and turns. Loving it!

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Daniel Manning wrote 603 days ago

Project Vampire has its third successful recruit, a professional burglar who had always been under the impression crimes pays. It seems he needs the organisation as his umbilical cord, because for carrying out criminal acts, they will supply him with all of his needs.
Imprisonment without due process, Reynolds probably wished he gave himself up to the police at the museum.
Cross reference Reynolds on any data base, and will you find an address, or uncover some of his personel life/ criminal connections, what I most like about Bad Blood is the clandestine approach, as we stay mostly in the dark. A man called Jenkins runs the organisation, and Reynolds owns a bicycle, is the extent of the information given in the opening chapters. Between the action scenes and the transformation, the story gets off to a rip roaring start so why should it be slowed down by petty inconsquence. Start with a bang and end with a bang thats what a good story is about and I have no trouble giving Bad Blood my backing.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Daniel Manning wrote 603 days ago
KirkH wrote 604 days ago

Hi Mitch,

Chapter one

Great storyline. Narration with the museum break-in reminds me a lot of Harry Harrison's "Stainless Steel Rat" books.

The writing is fantastic and I can't find any nitpicks. I can so far offer some suggestions:

Got confused with the part on "Skinhead":
"Seems pretty obvious, with the whole jerking when electrocuted thing, but hey..."
Suggestion: "Seems pretty obvious, when one jerks with the electrocuted thing, but hey..."

Suggestion: "I gazed at the artefacts around me...One case held a pair of Tomahawks, (the axe, not the missile).

While the glove I wore protected my hand, it , coupled with my awkward position (was the comma between "it" necessary?).

Scene with tomahawk on cop, is it spelled "dumbass" ,or "dumb ass" ,or "dumb-ass"?

When Reynolds kicks open the door to confront Jenkins, who does the clap, clap, clap and says "you did well..."
my first words would have been (if I were Reynolds) "shut the fuck up old man, you set me up you son of a bitch." (only a suggestion).

The story is fascinating. Backing while I go through the chapters.

Kirk

Becca wrote 606 days ago

This opened with a great voice that pulled me in immediately. I like the character off the bat, even if he is engaging in some undesirable (at least to the law) dory of behavior. I'm not a fan of sci fi in books, but the way this story played out, I could see it being turned ALSO into a movie--and that is something I would definitely want to see. This promises to be a really gripping read, start to finish. the fast paced scenes are perfect for a thriller as well.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Three Red Seeds wrote 617 days ago

OK, so I've read chapter one and have plenty of things I want to suggest (pitty I can't turn it into a word doc and suggest changes in the edit mode) so bare with me: I'm on the protagonist's side from his first funny comment (closing line of para 2). The tone is suitable because considering what's to come in his life I understand the flippant way he looks back on that night (a tomohawke fight in a museum swarming with cops is nothing in comparison). Regarding the para starting "In that instant": You have 'instant' then 'instinct' then 'instinct' again in the next sentance which sets up a bit of a tongue twister. I'd suggest starting the sentance with something in place in instant and for the second 'instinct' I'd drop the "my" to tie it directly back to the previous section and fits with the witty rambling banter style which makes it OK for the repitition in close proximity. "$10,000" doesn't suit the style, he'd say something like "ten big ones" or "ten grand"? "Shaking off those thoughts" is a cliche - perhaps show us what he does rather than tell, eg. shake his head to rattle what he should be thinking about to the forefront of his consciousness. In a critique I'd usually point out all the weak modifiers but in this context they work, so I won't bore you.
Overall, I don't know how you manage to make this all so funny and the character so endearing, but you do so congratulations. I also don't know why I'm reading a narrative about vampires and a protagonist who does not believe in God and uses profanity, but here I am... reading it (if you read my bio you'll understnad what I'm getting at). That alone suggests the hook is far above average and the writing more than engaging.

Diana-Jane wrote 618 days ago

Hey,
I just read your pitch and was definitely drawn to it. Very descriptive... gives you an insight as to where this story might be leading.
So far a very creative way to write for the Vampire genre. It's good to have a scientifically based story. Definitely want to read more. Watch Listed for sure!!

DJ.Berquist
http://dianajanesworld.webs.com

FORBIDDEN BLOOD.
My KILLER INTUITION.

M. A. McRae. wrote 619 days ago

I looked at this several days ago, read a few chapters, gave a comment and left. It is always far too frustrating getting really involved in a half-finished book. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop thinking about it, and have just returned to read every little bit you have loaded. A very exciting ride.
I was thinking about the differences between what appeals to men and what appeals to women. This is a fast action book that I like very much, that blokes will like, but if you wanted to make a wider appeal, there needs to be a little more introspection, I think. Women like strong but vulnerable. JJ simply comes across as strong. Maybe a little more about the light problem, garlic at lunch-time, even his pale, pale complexion and pink eyes. Think strong James Bond in that scene in a movie, I forget which one, when he is exchanged from North Korea, jabbed with a needle and goes down. Vulnerable, strong.
Another minor point, - by the time they raided the Baddie camp, shouldn't he have been craving a drink of blood? It was a couple of days, I think, and full of action. Earlier you said that around 48 hrs, and he'd be suffering withdrawal.
For 13 chapters, it is remarkably free of errors.
This is a very good book, which has to stay on my recommended list. Marj.

zrinka wrote 620 days ago

I found chapter one a bit slow to get in with too much narratiion and internal thoughts but once the action starts it reads smooth and fast. If you could edit the begining a bit and get to the point sooner it would be my only nit pic.

E. Yazykova wrote 621 days ago

I like the flows of your narration and the inside dialogue of the main character. Watch that that dialgoue doesn't slip into rambling, you do seem to get a little carried away with the inner thoughts. With light editing this is easily fixable. I like the urban feel of this, and the way you "under" describe your world that at once is also descriptive enough. good job.

E. (silver flows east)

Francene Stanley wrote 621 days ago

I looked in on the beginning of your story and got turned off by the beginning. 'It all hapened when I was... Why put it this way? He's there--now. Why not start: I looked around from the top of.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

IrieKarma wrote 622 days ago

Fabulous fun to read :) Loved the premise. Popped you on my shelf. Good luck :)

S.C. Thompson wrote 623 days ago

Jason Bourne? Jason Bloodsucking M.F.! Lots of fun! It's really good to hear dialogue that is modern, contemporary, muscular. A great premise, with believable quasi-science.
Ch. 2 exposition reads fine to me. Not too long-winded, but plenty of detail to be convincing. Maybe add a little more action by the scientist, you know, checking Mr. Reynolds over, shining the light in his eyes, sticking the ocular in his ear, smacking his knee with the little rubber mallet, stuff like that . . .
That said . . . go get 'em, tiger!
sc
ps - Perfect cover art.

Elijah Enyereibe Iwuji wrote 623 days ago

Dear Mitch,

Fabulous action packed drama from the the beginning, very fantastic read. Honestly, you have created a most interesting and unique twist of a vampire genre. Though artificial, yet, fine and good. Coherent description, stylish and compelling tale. Though in the first person, that helps to convey the story to a gleeful glare. Bad Blood, an unfolding potential and conventional masterpiece. All the best of luck.

Pamela Wootton wrote 623 days ago

At first I thought "Oh no not another Vampire book. But in fact yours is different from the rest which in my book makes it unique. It is so well written that it is quite believable. It is no problem at all for me to Back this work of art. IF you can make time for my book, I will appreciate it very much..
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

M. A. McRae. wrote 626 days ago

Can't edit my comment, so I'll add another. Ch 6, excellent, including the description of the 'blood high.' One error, 'discrete' should be 'discreet.' Different spelling, different word.
Your writing keeps all the attention. Backed without a moment's doubt. Marj.

M. A. McRae. wrote 626 days ago

The first person narration races you into the story. It is a conversational tone, though with more detail than a speaker would ever give. Your story is filled with excitement, and I would like to see it succeed. I only noticed one error, and I'm not quite sure it is an error, Ch 1, early, 'after shimming inside.' Did you mean 'shimmying?"

paperbat wrote 628 days ago

Mitch.
Bad Blood is a bl**dy great book. I have got to ch.9 But ch.2 is clever, whilst ch.5 is well written in how it describes the change. Ch. 6 /7 are spooky. So love it so far. Will read more and comment properly, but want to BACK you now before I forget.
Also ask if you would reciprocate and give my childrens' book some feedback.
Many thanks.
Jerry [paperbat]

scrapper2675 wrote 630 days ago

I liked this, very impressive and a great new take on the typical vampire story! Fresh, well structured with a strong voice. I think this could do very well. Backed with pleasure and greatest of luck to you!
Christi Watson
Wonder- Heart of Captivation- A Thief of Life Novel

Bonzo147 wrote 632 days ago

100 mph rap. Fast paced which makes you want to pause to catch your breath....easily backed.

Angus Shoor Caan.

Violet Hiccup.

ccb1 wrote 636 days ago

Backed Bad Blood. Action right from the beginning! Quite a new twist for a vampire story! We love anything with vampires since we just completed one. Wish you the very best of luck.
CC Brown
Dark Side

venu wrote 660 days ago
Andrew Burans wrote 662 days ago

You have created a most interesting and unique twist of the vampire genre. A man made vampire. Well done. I like your choice to use the first person narrative voice. This allows you to vonvey, and you do it well, all of Reynolds' feelings, thoughts, fears, observations and emmotions. Your use of short paragraphs keeps the pace of your story well and your imaginative writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Joanna Carter wrote 666 days ago

Quirky, stylish and strangely compelling - I love your twist on the classic vampire tale, and your writing is a treat. On my shelf.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

I read many books about vampires and the stuff but never read things like this. This is very unusual and very good. I like it very much. The way you designed about the character is really nice. PLeasure to read it.

BAcked.
S. Vinay Kumar

The ark and the aroma of peril.

Craig Ellis wrote 672 days ago

Fabulous action and drama in your opening chapter. I'm fascinated by your MC. You've built up his character in a masterful way, using his own thoughts during his hectic rampage through the museum. The hook at the end of the chapteris a good one, and will have the most jaded reader turning the page. I can't nitpick at any of it! Well done. Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

beegirl wrote 674 days ago

Well Mitch, I have read through chapter three and even the pitch scared me. I don't always like first-person but thought it was very good here and useful for us to hear this poor chap's awful feelings from his POV. I think you do this convincingly and am very happy to back a book that many will love--because lots of people love to be scared silly!!! But if I have nightmares tonight I will definitely blame you.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow.
PS--You writing is very visual and I could see the scenes very clearly!

Lara wrote 705 days ago

I don't read vampire stories so I'm not writing from experience of this genre. I did think your pitch suggested an original approach to becoming a vampire although it didn't explain why scientists would want to go to such trouble. What are the benefits of having blood-needy individuals. That needs telling up front so that we get a fix on what your world is to be. I had a little difficulty empathising with your MC. If he's mean and vicious before vampirisation, let's have a background, let's have his reasoning. If it's first person particularly, we need to be in his head. Then the drama will have much more impact. I backed you.
Lara
Good For Him

Groaner wrote 705 days ago

Lots of vampire books here. A little bit of a different approach on this one and the writing is competent. Only read a little--enough to see it's worth giving a chance. On my shelf.

Jack Hughes wrote 706 days ago

This is fantastic! I was getting bored with the whole vampires thing, thought it had been done to death but this story has proved me wrong. Intelligent, witty and cleverly constructed, a very original take on a traditional story. Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

Hypo99 wrote 709 days ago

Hi Mitch

I always back quality

BACKED

I hope you get the chance to take a little peek inside The Russian Hat

Sincerley
Brendan