Jeremy the Wicked

Hey there,

Also a good start and straight in, though you have several characters to introduce, you do that well. I was interested, so that’s a tick.

I like that your sentences are short and to the point. And I’ve always been a fan of the one worded sentence, which you use well in your story.

You are an excellent dialogue writer. Your characters each had their own voice and you wrote like you weren’t afraid of what people think. The words were in no way contrived, which I found refreshing.

I love that you start with nice, to the point sentences but by the time we hit chapter four you have some randomly long ones. Take out some commas and add full stops.

I think you have a really solid and interesting story. Below I have pointed out some things, but only because I think it is already good and could be even better. NOT because I hate it or anything ludicrous like that! The only thing positive feedback does is boost your ego. I've done that above. So below is some constructive feedback.

Most of my feedback is to do with over wording. In short, I like your sentences but think they could be de-cluttered (not a big issue at all) … see below for a few examples.

Sometimes I thought - don't hit me - that your action scenes could be tightened. Just a tad. Perhaps you used 'ing' a little too much. Which I find leaves less of an impact. Especially with the fast paced scenes. i.e. chapter two, you wrote: "Concussive force smacked into him, hurling him into the other commuters, sending them twisting and tumbling to the ground, the ground that was crumbling as the terrible force ripped through the compartment.”

When if you took out some of the ‘ings’ it would read at a faster pace thus create more tension: “Concussive force smacked into him, hurled him into other commuters, sent them twisting and tumbling to the ground, which crumbled as a terrible force ripped through the compartment.”

You story seems to warrant that fast pace … I don’t know, correct me if I’m wrong, just my opinion. Which really isn’t much. I’ve never published a book.

And if I don’t like ‘ing’ I really don’t like it’s inbred cousin ‘ingly.’ If you have an adjective with ingly attached to it, there better be a damn good reason it’s there. ‘worryingly large chunks missing’ why not just ‘large chunks’ the fact that they are missing is worrying enough! It’s implied.

Which brings me to another example (sorry can’t remember where) you said they shift nervously in their seats on the boat. In my opinion you don’t need nervously. The fact that they are shifting in their seats suggests they are nervous. So, it’s like saying the same thing twice. Or he ‘cut the engines completely’ of course they are completely cut, because they are cut. Take out completely. I hope I explained that well. Do you get my drift? And also, feel free to ignore my drift ☺

So, in conclusion I think you could cut a couple thou off your word count haha. I really appreciated your honest feedback and I hope you’ll take mine as it’s meant - constructive. Feel free to ask me anything if I’ve explained something bad or you’re totally confused, or you hate everything I’ve said. I’m up for a friendly debate.

Backed :)

I reluctantly took a look at this (I've pretty much given up reading) because Diggory said nice things about me. Flattery will get you everywhere.

I'm glad I did. Jeremy the Wicked is clever, clever stuff. Think Stephen King and you've got it.

The prologue is exceptional. Whipping us straight into the world of a variety of misfits and failures - all of them too readily recognisable as a facet of our ownselves. I did have an issue with the third sentence - 'skin stuck to the bone of his face.' I immediately thought 'eh? Skin is always stuck to our bone!'. I wouldn't mention it if it wasn't for the fact that it is in such an important place. If nobody else has a problem with it, ignore me - but given it's one of the lines any potential agent or editor will read, I would take a look. It jarred with me.

I recovered quickly however with your lovely last sentence in that paragraph - I swear I heard that tooth 'skitter' into the sink.

You then go on at a cracking pace, taking us through a variety of characters and introducing the increasingly creepy, Jeremy. The alcoholic who I think had killed his own child (accidentally) was particularly brilliant. Or was the child just injured in an accident and that's what drove the guy to drink? This wasn't clear... perhaps intentionally. I'd prefer to know which it was at this point, but your pace and the quality of your content is sufficient that if you don't want to, I'd still happily read on.

Okay, now I click on chapter two (for one of the first times on here, because I wanted to and not because I felt duty bound.) We slow down considerably - which is not a bad thing though perhaps a little too much exposition? I'm not sure - I'm not keen on reading on the screen and I'm an awful lot more impatient than if I had it in book form. Karina torches her parents old place - I was just thinking it didn't have quite the sparkle of your prologue when BAM, we get the near-rape - and Karina socks it too 'em. YEAH! Go Karina! You've got me back. My god, you've got me back. We realise (I'd forgotten this was the future) this is a futuristic novel as she goes past tanks etc and discusses the 'Green Zone' more. This is my memory problem not your writing problem - though do remember readers have poor memories.

Onto chapter three and my baby is crying, so I have to stop here. We meet Jon and his mates Abel and Sarah. Beautifully juxtiposed after the gritty concrete world of chapter two, it's nice to see a bit of dialogue and banter.

All in all, a good job. When I do comments (which is rarely these days as people are so effing unappreciative) I'm always honest and always try to say what, if anything, didn't work for me. There really was very little I had an issue with. It's not strictly my genre, but if someone left this in the back of an airplane seat... I'd still be reading it when I got to my destination and if I hadn't finished it, I'd be popping it in my bag to read on my sunbed.

Best of luck with it. Cx

I've only ever needed one hand to count the number of times I've read something that's actually taken my breath away. This is one of those times. This writing is some of the best I've read - strong, visceral, hard-hitting, unique - utterly compulsive. I kept thinking to myself, he can't keep this up - he's going to mess this up - it's going to get bad soon - but you do, and it never does. This is the kind of writing that would make Palahniuk and Welsh weep with envy. This is fresh, un-nerving, really exciting stuff. You must keep on until you get this published - you really must.

The first chapter is a real firework display of talent - with the first vignette you have a dark, hip tone, but then you switch you a woman on the bus - completely different vibe and handled just as well.

I'm going to try really hard to make some suggestions for improvements - in the first vignette, I missed the fact that the boy was there, on the sofa. I think because the narrative is so high-octane and fast-moving that the boy's introduction doesn't have much impact - I think you could strengthen and reinforce his presence.

I also found the alcoholic vignette a little confusing when he comes out of the shop - it's ok for the character to be confused, but not the reader - once again when re-reading it's actually clear, but because your narrative is so pacey, it's easy for the reader to miss some details, I think you need to work it so that key dramatic details are nailed in the readers mind. With the alcoholic vignette, for the dramatic twist to work, the reader needs to understand that he thinks Jeremy is his dead son. I didn't realise that his daughters weren't figments of his imagination too. I would suggest establishing that his son his dead (and his daughters are alive) before he sees the boy in the car - otherwise it's too much info in one go and spoils the trick.

It's a wonderful opening chapter, and then we get on to chapter 2 - where we relax into a more typical narrative, but still so good, so very good.

I really do hope the overall structure of this novel is strong, because I really can't see this not getting published. I'm really looking forward to reading more of this.

It's such an interesting premise and I like the image of the child spreading a touch of calm and contentment over horribly real ruined lives. You portray his latest 'touches' very well. It did take a rather long time to find which head we were going to land inside. Then the apocalypse sections - it's not a different view of what might happen, although it may be depressingly true. I had slightly expected a different outcome. The dialogue between the characters is believable and the descriptions of ruins e.g. National Gallery summon up clear visual fixes. I noticed a typo (birds exit needing an apostrophe) I think in 4. Another in 6 - quite for quiet.

Karina's polite talk with Captain contrasts with the extremity of their situation. Would things be this controlled?

However, obviously I am backing such a creative idea and the quality of the writing generally. A Stampman's Variant crit.

Good Wishes
Rosalind
Good for Him

Critiqued as part of The Stampman Group/Variations on a Fair Crit Theme.

Hello, Diggory! Books sounds brilliant from the start. Strong cover and title, and great short pitch and synopsis. Can’t fault them.

I love Jeremy. He's very reassuring and I'd accompany him! I had no problem with the fast paced prologue, it’s very natural dialogue and monologue from an impressive deluge of characters, and you don’t feel overwhelmed. However, Jon’s situation in chapter 1 feels a little isolated and disjointed sandwiched between the accounts in the prologue and when you then jump 5 years into the future.

I couldn’t find any typos and anything amiss that hasn’t already been pointed out in previous reviews apart from maybe: “Started at the pictures of excitement and glamour” Is this meant to be stared?

Sam and his daughter should surely be counted as two and this would make a change from the regular calculation, as if an intelligent entity is making his list and checking it twice.

There are a couple of missing comas after dialogue and a place where the formatting has split a paragraph: “He shut the door behind him, flicked the tarnished…”

The chapters aren’t named with particular consistency, with some having numbers and others names, but I’m guessing this is an uploading issue.

Thriller and horror aren’t my genres, but this was a great, compulsive read. If you act upon the great reviews you’ve received so far to clean up the obvious typos and grammar issues this would be even greater.

Billie
xx

Hello Diggory, well, what a prologue! The cover pulled me in as i am a visual girl and the rest blew me away! Well done and backed these last few days.
Paula - Ruined Echoes - have you had a look?

Just returning to 'Jeremy' for a review of C1 for the fair critters variation review thread.

Constructive suggestions/ nits first then;

Eben:-
When you spin a tap on, invariably the water gushes everywhere. Given the tone, lets have some blood up the wall maybe?

"Hove the fuk' I really have no idea what you mean by that phrase. If 'fuk' is meant to be 'fuck' why re-spell it? I am reading it and it sounds the same in my head regardless of the printed word (correct me here if required).

'The man smiled' You introduced him as Eben in the first line. By the end of it we know him enough to expect his name again. 'The man' makes him too distant.

The lady on the bus:-
'Smell of damp coming from their...clothes' something more powerful than just 'coming from; emanating, seeping, wafting, something like that. You might need to sort out the boy walking up the aisle of a bus crammed with passengers, again, description of what she is imagining (if she is?) to counteract the literal picture in my head.

Sam:-

Repetition "...drink. Drink to get drunk, drink. Look at the construction in isolation there. Do you still think it works? "He left the bright light of the supermarket' Consider 'the bright lights', or 'brightly lit' ?

The Little Girl:-
'The rain that poured down' Everyone knows that. For the Lady on The Bus it 'fell in unremitting waves outside' Perhaps have another go at that one?

Beth;-
'Cool he understood what she was going..." THROUGH presumably? Think a word jumped off there!

'She turned up the volume of her headphones' I'm no grammatical whizz, but maybe check it with William Holt (Fausts Butterfly, and resident Authonomy English Prof). The 'of' doesn't sound correct to me.

So, nitpik done and dusted, and that aside, a suspenseful and deceptively dark C1. I can personally vividly imagine a wet bus trip through Bitterne, seeing faces in Sainsburys and the girl standing on Cobden Bridge.

My point is, for this to work even better (and its good already) you may want to give it a slightly better sense of place. I know thats not your focus, but the book is from your imagination and it has subliminally planted the scenes in your head onto the page. Whether you acknowledge that or not is up to you.

I can also sense from this chapter that you have strongly visualised the opening chapter in your mind's eye. The problem for every writer is capturing that into a descriptive narrative, hence I can 'see' what you mean with the boy walking down the bus aisle, but you are 'telling' me something different.

The opening makes me want to read more and I hope to return to it at some point, and may see some revisions.. Cheers. Matt

Hi,
Sorry it took so long, but here i am backing and commenting on your fine book. I like the opening - it's a shocker which always grabs the readers attention. I wasn't sure about the word 'dirty'. It just didn't sound either strong enough...or perhaps it's just not needed? not sure...

the small boy that appears is both spooky and as mezmerising for the reader as it is your character - this is a very well written section.

The first and only grammer error i've found...in the bit with Cathy..."Go back." - full stop is outside the speech.

This is so well written and gripping. Your descriptions are vivid and dramatic and is probably your greatest skill as a writer. I think this will do very well and I wish you the best of luck.

BACKED
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

This is quite an interesting story: I've seen plenty of apocalyptic ones, but this is more ambitious than a lot of them--plus it's got some intriguing and rather surreal sounding nuances. (Quantum physics? I am so there!)

I'm not sure about the first chapter's layout. I think the little vignettes might actually work better if there was one between each chapter instead of all clumped together--it's clear that those characters aren't going to be important, and once things settled into a pattern I found myself losing interest. Since this is well-written with a lot of attitude, that's exactly what I don't want to happen.

This is a powerful story, a different apocalypse, and a suitably surreal setting, in a decayed London.
All would grab the reader more immediately if the passive voice of many verbs were edited to the active form. By that I mean those words which end with 'ing'. For example in ch 4, the firefight is told with far too many verbs such as 'turning' grabbing' pulling' 'clipping' and so on to describe actions which could more forcefully be expressed as 'turned' 'grabbed' 'pulled' 'clipped'. If you want to describe actions which take place all at the same time, the word 'as' is helpful.
I made note of some suggested corrections in ch 2; - 'stopping him see' = blocked his sight or view; - 'his vision swap before' = ??; - 'wandered' = 'wondered'; 'something's' = 'some things'; 'live the Green Circle'='leave the'; 'in front off him'= 'in front of him'; 'slid down'='slide down';
So then, some thorough editing and you have a winner.
phil

Diggory- I can sense some Stephen King here but also the mash up of characters from David Mitchell (Cloud Atlas and Ghostwritten). You have a very distinctive writing style which people are either going to like or reject, I don't really see many people being non-plussed.

You could review a little of the spelling (Her Majesty's Government rather than Majesties- for example) and grammer as some people are put off but that would be quick work.

I certainly want to know more and any title referencing Pearl Jam will easily hook me in. One piece of feedback is that I found the prologue slightly long. On the second or third mini-story I was feeling chills but after the forth or fifth I had got the premise and wanted to move on. Make sure you keep the atmosphere once you have created it.

Micki Attridge (Dear Sir or Madam)

Competent writing, and a story to tell. You will have your audience. Good luck with your book. Marj.

Love the inherently breathless pace of this. All those short sentences and the sense of the characters' thoughts being cut short. As if they're impatiently rushing to the next one. Very nice. Although occasionally there are those times when using full stops to allow the Reader to pause and regroup might be nice.

Nothing more to add here. I think you're onto something here. Happy to give it a spin on my shelf.

Jonathan
MARTUK ... THE HOLY

Good opening, funny and dark. I think you might overuse the word 'now' at the beginning of the prologue.

This is a personal opinion but I didn't feel the same level of desperation with the woman on the bus as I did with the rock star. I think it's because Eben has the problem (drugs) and the thing it's taken from him (the rock and roll life) while Cathie only seems to have the problem. Maybe if her husband had left, or something like that? The drunk guy has both too, drink and son.

Assuming the numbers are how many people he's collected, wouldn't the drunk and his daughter count as two?

The last two shorter ones worked fine as you had established the pattern by then.

Overall I think the prologue worked. Interesting characters with enough detail to give us an idea of what's going on but not too much.

Chapter one - 'picking up sped as it clanked its way down the tack' typos - speed and track.

Karina's scene was well handled, good to get a longer scene in there.

The short scenes jump around a lot but I didn't feel lost. I got a strong sense that you knew what you were doing and even the bits I didn't understand didn't put me off, it felt like there was enough to keep me interested until things became clearer.

The writing is good although there were a few typos you could do with sorting out, otherwise a very good opening.

Best of luck with it. Backed.

regards
mood

Backed and commented briefly long ago. This one is for Variations. It still needs a lot of editing, but I think I see good things happening. The seductive child figure Jeremy is one of those characters who sticks in the reader's mind long after other details begin to fade, and the dystopian vision conjures up memories of Browning's "Childe Roland," Eliot's waste land, and Orwell's 1984.

Missing words, missing apostrophes, agreement errors, spelling errors mar a truly gripping tale of end-of-the- world destruction and despair. Find a way to clean up the language and I expect the numbers will improve a great deal.

Bill

This is a powerful and well written story. From the prologue I was captivated by every word. Who is the boy? What is happening? I have to know.

Your narrative is descriptive, gripping and vivid. I could see each scene in my mind as I read them and you tap into emotions with brilliance. You continue slowly to bring the story to us, but still move it along at an interesting pace.

I noticed a couple of things in the prologue.

The boys spoke – should be boy?

He understood what she was going. Through maybe missing here?

Chapter 1

John grabbed hold off (of) the overhead handrail

His vision swap before his body collapsed (not sure about this sentence)

Chapter 2

Ten minutes later all three were sat – do you need the were, doesn’t read quite right

I didn’t notice anything else...

This is a brilliant story and one that would keep me enthralled to the end.

The openning of your book is very strongly written inviting the reader to go on. A dark and disturbing passage in depravity. You have captured your genre well. A great story, well constructed with excellent use of imagery. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Variant fair critter reviewer. I'm always a little hesitant with horror and when the first words were 'Spitted blood. Spitted teeth' I almost turned back, but I didn't happily. The first part is very grabbing, you have lots going on. It's hard to judge this piece because up to chapter three there are different things going on Katrina, all the people being taken, Jon on the underground train yet five years later in his apartment. I feel like I would have to be able to read the whole novel before getting a full view of this, it seems more like TV episodes than a smooth story. Although I admit, it is an intriguing story and the description is well-written.
Some tiny nitpicks. Most are typo's I think that got by your computer because they are actual words. I won't go into deep depths since someone already did that.

and saw the small boy-and saw a small boy

causing a wave of calmness fell through her body, sinking down into her seat.

Started at the pictures of excitement and glamour-stared

Jon grabbed hold off-Jon grabbed hold of

Editing is important and if this is going to be a huge novel you can probably work with all these characters at once. If it's going to be shorter, I would be careful. Good luck in the future.

Hi.

Just some notes as I read through some of this:

Powerful prologue. The narrator's voice is a bit odd for me, because it sounds like the voice of the character its describing - a sort of 1st person by proxy - interesting.
The drug addict bit - well done.
The unhappy wife who's let herself go, grabs me.
The alcoholic bereaved dad: interesting, gut-wrenching.

"Her and her mum" I think, (I'm no grammar expert) should be "She and her mum"
then 'just cos' shows up, which reminds that the 3rd person narrator in this is actually voicing the voice of each character. This might put some people off - although I'm interested to see how this experiment pays off.

Chap 1 - "as it clanked its way down the track" can probably go. Unless there's a derailment we don't know about, we can guess what a train will do once it leaves and picks up speed.
BOOM - I've got to stop second-guessing you. It's not a derailment, but it's an explosion or crash, right?
Here you start italicizing the thoughts of the character - it you're going to allow yourself that liberty, then the narrator's voice which sounds like the character should probably only sound like an impersonal narrator. It's kind of double-dipping? But I think you know what you're doing because here, in the first chapter, at least, the narrator's voice is sounding like nobody from the book.

"sat(?) now decaying." Some editing typo?
"something's never change" - some things. Now, because earlier you allowed the narrator to say 'coz', the reader has to be distracted by that fact that an actually typo (something's) might be there on purpose. If you're going to allow your narrator the liberty of slipping into the speech patterns of the subject character, then you have to be meticulously precise about typos etc.

I'm beginning to get the feeling that this will read like a TV mini-series - which can mean fame and big bucks for you. The fact that you're going to have so many characters with lives intertwining means that this book has to be read in full to really be appreciated. The constraints of time both personal and Authonomy denies me that at the moment - but usually I'm not a fan of books with many interlocking lives. It's just too much for me. I think you can write very well and I'm sure there's a market for your work. I wish you all the best with it, and hope to see it as a meticulously edited complete book one day, which I would be happy to read.

I am your reader, remember you invited me to read this. Inthe concept it is a good effort and I read on to see where it was going. The written English language is reasonably rigid. There are limited spelling options. In some cases no option but people take license and spell any way. Also commas make the nuance, likewise full stops and parenthesis.
There are numerous texts on style for creative fiction writing. Do a fellow scribbler a favour buy a copy and straighten out the style.
In spite of some glaring errors the overall concept is OK. I backed it.

"...on teenage girls walls..." on teenage girls' walls. Possessive plural

not ALRIGHT -- ALL RIGHT or ALLRIGHT (just because most people do it, doesn't make it right) ;0)
"...his daughter's sing song voice..." sing-song
"...so good here, they were both so happy..." so good here; they were both so (semi-colon because they are independent clauses - can stand alone as complete sentences)

Fifty-two (dash between) in both sentences

"...eyes swam amongst them, she couldn't get..." ...amongst them; she couldn't... semi-colon
"Someone had taken him, she knew..." semi-colon (more effective as separate sentences)

"I can't go, what about..." I can't go; what about... OR I can't go. What about...

"Jon grabbed hold off the..." ...hold of the...

"...clanked it way down the tack." ...down the track.

"...shrank down to the bare minimum." ...shrank to the bare... When something shrinks, it usually shrinks down

"space at the end, where..." no comma

common inside quotes, not outside "...of Death,'"

"...trying to make sense of the world..." awkward ...trying to make sense of the quickly changing world... (consider)

"...phlegm, his face felt..." ...phlegm; his face felt.. semi-colon

"He looked up, someone was coming..." semi-colon or period.

"God it is hot..." "Christ I have to get..." God and Christ are exclamations and should be followed by a period.

"...controlled Her Majesties Government." Her Majesty's Government, unless Her Majesty is suddenly multiple people.


Compelling beginning building up gradually to a big reveal. Well done. The beginning of the second chapter is equally well done, except for the grammar and punctuation errors in both. The little boy is obviously important and there's no doubt the reader wants to know why everyone is going with him and why they follow without question. How does he know where they are and just what's in their minds? Great foreshadowing and sharp, short vignettes.

What mars this are the little errors, the nits I've picked and many more. It needs editing. The premise is fascinating. The writing is clear and straight forward. You have a fascinating story. Don't ruin it with little errors. No agent or editor will want to go too far with something that has so many technical errors. They look for reasons to reject writers. Don't give them any.

The dialogue and characterization are good. You get right to the point and you have an ear for the way people speak. Everyone sounds a little different. Keep going. I enjoyed what I read.

JMC

I think you've got the pace dead-on. The prologue is a swirling montage of writing, cracking through the count-up (an excellent and effective device, by the way, because I found my eye drawn downwards and through the text) and building up a quick sketch of the tone of your text. I'm glad it slowed a little in the first chapter... I needed a moment to catch my breath after the speedy rush through the prologue. The dialogue crackles.

I usually try and include some critique, but there's nothing really to add at the moment. I'm going to read on... and if I find something, I'll let you know ;) But your 'voice' is energetic and energizing, making this a blistering read.

Fantastic pitches. I read all you have posted here and really enjoyed it. You have a flare for holding a reader--or at least this one. This reminds me of another book on this site--although very different. I think you'd love Steve Tee's 'Hell's Angel'. I know I did.

I have to agree with a comment below about your dialogue sections: they were really well done. superb, actually. There aren't many books on this site that I've wanted to read more than the required amount, but this was truly a pleasure. Rock on, soldier.

Gerry
Dropcloth Angels

Great start, I'll put it on my bookshelf so I can read more.

I love this.
Stephen King, James Herbert etc are some of my most fave writers and this is very much on a par with him.
Your imagination is amazing and I cant wait to buy this off the shelves, my kind of book. (reading James Herbert- Once at the mo, very surreal.)

Backed.

Hey there,

Also a good start and straight in, though you have several characters to introduce, you do that well. I was interested, so that’s a tick.

I like that your sentences are short and to the point. And I’ve always been a fan of the one worded sentence, which you use well in your story.

You are an excellent dialogue writer. Your characters each had their own voice and you wrote like you weren’t afraid of what people think. The words were in no way contrived, which I found refreshing.

I love that you start with nice, to the point sentences but by the time we hit chapter four you have some randomly long ones. Take out some commas and add full stops.

I think you have a really solid and interesting story. Below I have pointed out some things, but only because I think it is already good and could be even better. NOT because I hate it or anything ludicrous like that! The only thing positive feedback does is boost your ego. I've done that above. So below is some constructive feedback.

Most of my feedback is to do with over wording. In short, I like your sentences but think they could be de-cluttered (not a big issue at all) … see below for a few examples.

Sometimes I thought - don't hit me - that your action scenes could be tightened. Just a tad. Perhaps you used 'ing' a little too much. Which I find leaves less of an impact. Especially with the fast paced scenes. i.e. chapter two, you wrote: "Concussive force smacked into him, hurling him into the other commuters, sending them twisting and tumbling to the ground, the ground that was crumbling as the terrible force ripped through the compartment.”

When if you took out some of the ‘ings’ it would read at a faster pace thus create more tension: “Concussive force smacked into him, hurled him into other commuters, sent them twisting and tumbling to the ground, which crumbled as a terrible force ripped through the compartment.”

You story seems to warrant that fast pace … I don’t know, correct me if I’m wrong, just my opinion. Which really isn’t much. I’ve never published a book.

And if I don’t like ‘ing’ I really don’t like it’s inbred cousin ‘ingly.’ If you have an adjective with ingly attached to it, there better be a damn good reason it’s there. ‘worryingly large chunks missing’ why not just ‘large chunks’ the fact that they are missing is worrying enough! It’s implied.

Which brings me to another example (sorry can’t remember where) you said they shift nervously in their seats on the boat. In my opinion you don’t need nervously. The fact that they are shifting in their seats suggests they are nervous. So, it’s like saying the same thing twice. Or he ‘cut the engines completely’ of course they are completely cut, because they are cut. Take out completely. I hope I explained that well. Do you get my drift? And also, feel free to ignore my drift ☺

So, in conclusion I think you could cut a couple thou off your word count haha. I really appreciated your honest feedback and I hope you’ll take mine as it’s meant - constructive. Feel free to ask me anything if I’ve explained something bad or you’re totally confused, or you hate everything I’ve said. I’m up for a friendly debate.

Backed :)

end of first chapter, should it be:

'he understood what she was going through?'

Also maybe im dumb, but why does it jump from 456 to 5000? Up until that point it's sequential. If your trying to give the impression that he's taking lots of people, maybe it would be better to give random numbers. like 452, 3490, 1001 and so.

Just an idea.

I think it's got a good base, but the writing could be better in parts. Maybe a bit more technical. I also found it a bit jumpy. Seems like there are too many of the people going at the begginng. Maybe you could cull a few.

Please note though. I'm not a horror/steven king fan. So maybe not the best person to be reviewing this book. As the agents like to say 'not for me'. That's not so say it's not for other people.

This is very good with a solid premise. The apocolypse from the suicide of a 7 year old boy? The image is so disturbing, it will frighten every parent reading it. Suicide is bad enough but the fact a child could be that tortured is something from hell itself. The almost countdown style with all the different people, recognizable as paths and dreams lost by life is effective. There is an air of dread that is mistaken for the weariness of everyday humdrum life. Excellent.

I must admit, the cover did not appeal to me and I wasn't certain about your pitch but I'm glad I gave it a go because you have a very unusual style here. Jeremy makes for a compelling anti-hero and your clipped writing works very well, contrasted to the nature of the story. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Dear Diggory, I love fiction & thriller because anything can happen. :) Your prologue, plus your blurb is good because it prepared me to read your book. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

This is truly fantastic stuff - it's all been said by others, but this is one of the punchiest and most incredible pieces I've read on the site. Exceptional, well-paced writing, and I want more.

Backed.
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules are made to be broken." - Relic

Your visuals are evocative, your story is well written, and there is a strong sense of character from the onset.
xBeccaX
Death before the Cherry Blossoms

Impressive style! It makes you read more and more. Intriguing. I'd love to know where it's all going, what's going to happen in the end. I guess I'll just have to wait for this book to appear in the bookshops. Backed with best wishes,
M (Weekend Chimney Sweep)

Wow! Great opening and a great job of sucking the reader in.. I stopped at chapter 4, but only because I need to finish work.

Great read!

Lockjaw

This is an incredible bit of writing. The first chapter is powerful and very evocative. The unusual structure worked well to keep the pace fast and the reader engaged. Excellent writing. This deserves to be noticed by an agent or publisher. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

I reluctantly took a look at this (I've pretty much given up reading) because Diggory said nice things about me. Flattery will get you everywhere.

I'm glad I did. Jeremy the Wicked is clever, clever stuff. Think Stephen King and you've got it.

The prologue is exceptional. Whipping us straight into the world of a variety of misfits and failures - all of them too readily recognisable as a facet of our ownselves. I did have an issue with the third sentence - 'skin stuck to the bone of his face.' I immediately thought 'eh? Skin is always stuck to our bone!'. I wouldn't mention it if it wasn't for the fact that it is in such an important place. If nobody else has a problem with it, ignore me - but given it's one of the lines any potential agent or editor will read, I would take a look. It jarred with me.

I recovered quickly however with your lovely last sentence in that paragraph - I swear I heard that tooth 'skitter' into the sink.

You then go on at a cracking pace, taking us through a variety of characters and introducing the increasingly creepy, Jeremy. The alcoholic who I think had killed his own child (accidentally) was particularly brilliant. Or was the child just injured in an accident and that's what drove the guy to drink? This wasn't clear... perhaps intentionally. I'd prefer to know which it was at this point, but your pace and the quality of your content is sufficient that if you don't want to, I'd still happily read on.

Okay, now I click on chapter two (for one of the first times on here, because I wanted to and not because I felt duty bound.) We slow down considerably - which is not a bad thing though perhaps a little too much exposition? I'm not sure - I'm not keen on reading on the screen and I'm an awful lot more impatient than if I had it in book form. Karina torches her parents old place - I was just thinking it didn't have quite the sparkle of your prologue when BAM, we get the near-rape - and Karina socks it too 'em. YEAH! Go Karina! You've got me back. My god, you've got me back. We realise (I'd forgotten this was the future) this is a futuristic novel as she goes past tanks etc and discusses the 'Green Zone' more. This is my memory problem not your writing problem - though do remember readers have poor memories.

Onto chapter three and my baby is crying, so I have to stop here. We meet Jon and his mates Abel and Sarah. Beautifully juxtiposed after the gritty concrete world of chapter two, it's nice to see a bit of dialogue and banter.

All in all, a good job. When I do comments (which is rarely these days as people are so effing unappreciative) I'm always honest and always try to say what, if anything, didn't work for me. There really was very little I had an issue with. It's not strictly my genre, but if someone left this in the back of an airplane seat... I'd still be reading it when I got to my destination and if I hadn't finished it, I'd be popping it in my bag to read on my sunbed.

Best of luck with it. Cx

Very interesting - London in the future. Great style which draws the reader into the story you tell
Backed with Pleasure
Snave
When Spirits Break Free

This is a powerful story. Your picture of what London in the future will be like is interesting. Karina is a good character as she tries to work her way through all of this. Makes it a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Jeremy The Wicked

Okay, there’s chilling/horror and then there’s Jeremy the Wicked!
The descriptive narrative and introspection is a phenomenal start to the book.
I think the echo of ‘The four hundred and ….thousand’ feels like a ticking bomb and is an inspired piece of writing.
There are so many things that are great about this, the dialogue, the characters, the full sensory descriptions in the narrative, but I think the one that really impressed me, was the structure, it has been so intelligently thought out. – Good luck with this!!!

I can't imagine why this exciting story is doing so poorly here. You should have your star by now. My guess is that you haven't got time for the game. But all of life is a game, Diggory, and to win you need to play it.

I can't imagine why this exciting story is doing so poorly here. You should have your star by now. My guess is that you haven't got time for the game. But all of life is a game, Diggory, and to win you need to play it.

Diggory,

I'm returning your read of Appetites. Apologies for the delay in doing so.

Minor typo: A boy's voice she could [here] him clearly . . . 'here' should be 'hear'.

But this is compelling stuff. It's not easy, but it's worthwhile. Happy to give this a spin on my shelf.

This is chilling! WOW - very polished and powerful so far! The thought of seven year old and suicide in the same sentence is harrowing and haunting. I believe you have something great here! I'd buy it but until then BACKED!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Wow. A great first chapter; I was totally swept away. I love the premise. Your writing is crisp and a pleasure to read. Descriptions authentic. Wouldn’t we all jump at a second chance? I will read more when I have time. Good luck with this. GJ

A great pitch and strong opening. Your writing is very visual and enables the reader to live through the experience with the characters - quite an accomplishment. Happy to back. Paddy

Very powerful begining. I like the counting element, really pulls the reader into the story. This isn't my normal type of read, but I found it to be very well written. You have a strong narrative voice that paints this horrific picture well. You will most definitely find and audience. Also, totally wicked cover art. Backed!

Tawn Anderson (Providence)

just fun to read this. i would suggest presenting it in another font or word documet than the this. great work. backed

shah

Wow, my kind of read. (Okay, I have lots of “kinds” of reads. But this type is among my favorites.) The “evil child” thing has been done, of course, but you seem to have an interesting variation on it. The first line of the short pitch is fantastic – I found myself staring at it, wondering what it would mean (but not in a confused way), and getting some very interesting images. The long pitch is a little trickier. There’s a lot of information to absorb in the middle paragraph, but the first and last have made me very interested in reading the story.

The prologue starts off gritty and raw – like a car wreck you can’t look away from, so I’m definitely hooked. Have to admit, I was confused for a bit. The name Jared is awfully close to Jeremy, and I obviously didn’t pay close enough attention at first, because I was thinking this was some fast-forward to Jeremy as an adult. Once I got it straightened out, though, I was in. I’m often not a fan of prologues, but this one works for me. My only suggestion might be to consider tightening some of the sections to move it along a bit.

The first chapter has a slightly different feel, still dark, and you do a great job getting into Karina’s head. Love the hook at the end of the chapter, too.

Writing is pretty clean, just a few errors here and there, such as “causing a wave of calmness fell through her body.” A few typos spell-check won’t catch along the way, easily fixed. Two uses of “tight” in the first sentence of the first chapter caught my attention.

This is compelling stuff, and I definitely want to know more about what’s behind it all. Backed, and good luck.

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

This really isn't my sort of book, but your cover was compelling and your pitch intrigueing, so I decided I would try.
I'm really pleased I did, its still not my genre, but I was very impressed by the depth of your imagination and the strength of your writing.
London itself emerges from this almost like a character itself, I can see you know the city and the river very well, I know it as well and I had no trouble in picturing it all as you described it.
That was quite scary, its fine to read horrors about places you don't know, but when it was as close as this and so well done, it made everything just that bit more difficult to read comfortably.
Backed

Pearl Jam themselves would be proud my friend! Keep up the great work, and always believe in your wicked (no pun intended) story! It rocks! :-)

Arms raised in a "V" for you and your book,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

Wow. Nothing creepier than a little kid with a dark agenda.... What is the cost, I wonder, for all these 'do overs'?

I hope the rest is as exciting as the first couple chapters.
Backed.

Dan
Eunice and Ethan

Love the pacing of this, very well writen in my opinion, cut-throat and straight to the fucking point. Backed.

Wow... Creepy... You did this story justice. Very imagintive and very well written. You do really well with the different scenes and pace of the story. Backed for sure!

Kristin
Demon in the Knight