The Destiny of Shaitan

Laxmi,

I checked out your fine book and I had to back it. Good luck and happy writing.
If you could take a look at my two novels for your possible backing, your help will be appreciated.

Dwain-Thomas

Hi Laxmi,

An interesting cover. Makes you think.

The story was interesting. I liked the idea that Shiva cursed his son Shaitan to be killed by his son. Its kind of a never ending story. Yudi trying to find the trident and kill Shaitan as he must if the curse is to become fact is similar to Darth Vader and Luke.

I liked the mix of Hindu mythology and fantasy. It seems to work well in this instance. Your dialogues were good and the pace of the story moved well. Your descriptions were also good. Something I didn't like was the use of too many sci-fi terms and actions related to it. You have a unique story, try not to make it too similar to other sci-fi stories with the use of teleporting etc. Create your own versions of these, invent new ideas. It would go better with the story. Try to maintain the original aspect of the story.

I also liked the characters Yudi and Tiina. They are very real and come across as strong individuals in their own right.

Good luck. It's on the watchlist. Soon on the shelf!

Shirani

Hi Laxmi,

An interesting cover. Makes you think.

The story was interesting. I liked the idea that Shiva cursed his son Shaitan to be killed by his son. Its kind of a never ending story. Yudi trying to find the trident and kill Shaitan as he must if the curse is to become fact is similar to Darth Vader and Luke.

I liked the mix of Hindu mythology and fantasy. It seems to work well in this instance. Your dialogues were good and the pace of the story moved well. Your descriptions were also good. Something I didn't like was the use of too many sci-fi terms and actions related to it. You have a unique story, try not to make it too similar to other sci-fi stories with the use of teleporting etc. Create your own versions of these, invent new ideas. It would go better with the story. Try to maintain the original aspect of the story.

I also liked the characters Yudi and Tiina. They are very real and come across as strong individuals in their own right.

Good luck. It's on the watchlist. Soon on the shelf!

Shirani

Hi Laxmi,

I finally got a chance to check out your story. So sorry it’s taken me so long.

Pitches: The concept is intriguing, but like so many other pitches on Authonomy, there’s far too much back story and not enough hooks. Condense it down to the stuff that will hook the reader without giving us a blanketed synopsis.

Chapter one
I like your first line as a hook, but I feel like that needs to be better elaborated. There’s a lot of telling here. Maybe show us. Give us a scene that demonstrates his power and fill in the back story as you go. This reads more like a synopsis.

Your story needs a scrub for punctuation and wordiness. There are a lot of extra words here and there.
Another suggestion is to transition the dialogue better by interlacing it with descriptive prose. There’s a lot more in communication between characters than just words. Showing reaction and mannerisms help the reader grasp the mood of the conversation better than just the words being said.

That said, the concept is great and there’s a lot of good writing in this. It just feels like a draft, but that’s part of rewriting (and we all get to do it).

Good luck with this!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

You have an interesting style which sets you apart - You walk the line between poetic and purple! :) It's intriguing enough that I will almost certainly read on!

I didn't like the bees though. They came out of no where with no warning and little plausibility. It was so odd that I was not in the slightest concerned for your protagonists because I was to busy thinking 'what?' Your story, of course, but might you want to relook at this and using a different crisis to precipitate Tiina of her adopted world?

Good luck with this,
Lindsay

The Destiny of Shaitan

Cover and title: these are fine and the short pitch seems efficient enough to me.
Long Pitch: this is definitely too long. It is effectively telling the entire story in what is supposed to be a selling blurb. The first para could just be scrapped and putting a plea to read at the end simply doesn’t work.

PROLOGUE: I had the feeling that the bit about the ‘Half Human – Half Alien race of the future who inherited their world from the humans’ would be better placed nearer the beginning of this prologue. Otherwise it seemed efficient enough in presenting the back story and setting the scene for epic adventures.

C1: You romp ahead confidently with the action to grip the reader and set up the characters for their ensuing tasks. The flow of dialogue is well done and matches the pace of the action efficiently. Well done on that. It’s nice to know the endangered metasequoia made it.

C2: That Artemis sounds pretty cool. I think that, though you handle the language well, and have many exotic and interesting elements to your story, there is a slight lack of discipline in the way it is presented. In this chapter I think that makes the whole thing a bit too long. I should seek ways of tightening it up with the aim of making it just a little shorter.

I love your first sentence. It’s just as powerful as your most powerful being in the universe is. Someone so powerful has to be disowned. It’s always like that. They have to be left alone.

And then we go to the next paragraph which it’s first line is equally good. The future ruler of the universe’s mother seduced the God Shiva. The thought of why a woman would seduce a guy to have a kid is fantastic. It brings so much into her story of who the mother is.

The introduction was superb. An all powerful born by a God and has known he will try to take over the entire universe. But I’m glad that was only the intro and you come back down the normal civilization with Tiina, even if it’s not earth but a planet called Java. It’s still more normal and not focused on the all powerful. We want to relate to someone and we can’t relate to someone who has it all. I like how she has a sixth sense. I love magical sci-fi.

Of course like the characters say Yudi and Tiina have to save the world. That’s good and it always has to be like that in these kind of stories. If not, the book will fall apart. And the fight is not over. It has just begun. I believe this will be a great saga. 6 stars. Love your writing, dialogue, and especially the story. I would, however, split the chapter in two just because many readers will be turned off my the length of it. Just consider it. I understand that everything in there is needed and helps propel the story forward. oh by the way, GREAT book cover.

Indeed it has a very interesting beginning.
I love the preface and great opening sentence. I also like that the preface and the rest of the narrative has a very different style.
What I liked:
- that the characters have a history between them before we met, so there are many meanings that readers just have to guess;
- that you never explained fully everything presented in front of the reader, like the forehead mindreading, great!;
- the mixture of science fiction and ancient gods, with just fun adventure.
What did not work for me completely was that things seemed to happen too quickly: finding Tiina, fighting the insects and then back in the ship (why didn't they teleport quicker?), it also confused me that it looked like Yudi still had to find Rai after Tiina, but he was already waiting in Arkana. Also at times the language of saving the universe for total anihilation was too much for me, although this might be the intended purpose.
There were times when the mixture of themes reminded me of Dune, in my opinion a masterpiece. I feel this book has the potential to show as much depth, I just felt it was too rushed for that.
I do hope these comments are useful and I wish you lots of inspiration and best of luck!!!

Arkana - does this mean anything in Hindu? Your cover seems very appropriate, after reading your pitch. I dont usually read fantasies, let along thrillers, and know practically nothing about Hindu myths, so I look forward to being educated.

I take notes as I write, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Preface. A dramatic, well-portrayed account of the moment of madness between Ira and Shiva, resulting in the conjugating of Shaitan's first cells. What word-power.
Your writing flows with breathless speed, and the dialogue fills in some background gaps and provides purpose to the characters. I can hardly keep up with all the happenings: giant bees, teleporting and space travel. The present tense serves to intensify the moments.

Ch.2 You havent given me any idea of what Yudi and Tiina look like.
I would have liked more detailed descriptions of the 'people' in the rooms, if only to be able to take a breath and savour your writing.
Perhaps a double space, then more of a visual introduction to Mimir might be in order? With a beard and eyes crinkling, is he a man-person with a sphere of power?
Oh - they are humans.
The three of them - do they creat a third, through synergy, or are you referring to Mimir as well? Oh no. It's Rai. You could have made this clear earlier...
I can imagine the drama of what you describe as it could be shown on film.
So, they are off on an old-fashioned quest, set in futuristic space terms.

You obviously enjoyed writing this, and should attract many followers. Perhaps more emphasis on the Hindu origin of the protagonists, and a greater sense of Indian surroundings and ways of thinking might better distinguish your book from other science fiction?
You have a good idea here, and dont want to turn it into run-of-the-mill stuff.
For example, maybe a tiger instead of a lion grappling with Rai?

I enjoyed the read, and scatter you with stars.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Hi Laxmi

You have an interesting premise – one that I’ve not come across on here so far. The weaving in of fantasy and Hinduism is definitely a unique one.

Your cover is good, but it strikes me as a horror and doesn’t allude at all to the story in my opinion. Having said that, it is a nice cover. Your pitch is fine, a few commas needed in places to tidy it up but it’s succinct and to the point without giving too much away.

Your preface is fine. It gives us the information we need to understand the story coming without giving away too much and going on for too long. Again, it could do with a tidy up – for example , you need commas before names in dialogue and narrative in some cases. ‘His mother Ira’ should be ‘His mother, Ira’.

Your format – with titled chapters, you need to make the titles stand out a bit more, as at the moment they just look like random words. E.g. Resonance. Why not bold or CAP it? Make it stand out a bit more. Same with ‘Yudi finds Tiina’ – I wasn’t sure if this was part of the title or the beginning of the chapter, so it confused me a little.

It is said that starting your book with the MC waking up is one of the first things that will put an agent off. Apparently. Personally it makes no difference as far as I am concerned, but it is something I’ve read time and time again when looking for writing tips. Just something to bear in mind.

You say she woke up from her nightmare? What was it? (Forgive me if you explain this later, I tend to comment as I read).

Typo – the sweat pools at the base of her spine sending OF anticipation crawling across her skin – the of is throwing me off here.

You have the potential to do some more showing instead of telling. It’s the one thing I hear time and again about my own writing, and it really does make a difference. As an example – when you say she’s tired from the sheer effort of running, I have 2 issues. The first being, when she woke up and reached for her old fashioned running shoes, I had an image of her being used to running, like it was part of her morning ritual. So to hear she’s tired out and gives up was a bit of a shock. Second, why not show us how tired she is. Maybe she’s had a rubbish night sleep because of her nightmare and so she lacks the energy. Show us how her chest burns, her legs ache, the ball of sickness due to the exertion in her stomach. Maybe have her recall her nightmare as she runs, her feet pounding on the road at the same time. By doing things like this, she will really come alive to the reader.

I found Yudi’s introduction a little odd since there’d been no mention of him at all until then. If you’d have maybe shown how he was watching her run from a distance before he jumps on her, it would be a bit more believable.

You have a fair few exclamation marks, which personally I don’t think you need. You should be able to convey shock, surprise etc through your writing alone. I read somewhere you should aim for no more than 5 in your entire MS. It’s a challenge, but it can be easily done.

Your dialogue is good. It flows nicely and sounds realistic – bonus! The one thing I would say is that at the moment, I have no idea what they look like, and I’d really like to know.

Silva

I read your first Authonomy chapter.

General comments: An intriguing start. A courageous main character. Good descriptions. Effective world building. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first Authonomy chapter:
1) 'The son on a surpreme super life form that he was, ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people (life forms).
2) Cradling the Trident in his hands, he felt the strength flow right through him ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the strenght flowing through him as vividly as possible so the reader will experience it along with Shaitan. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
3) 'The sweat pools at the base of her spine sending of anticipation crawling across her spine.' A word seems to be missing from this sentence. Consider inserting 'streams' before 'of.'
4) "Yudi?" She splutters, "How did you ... " Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since Yudi interrupts Tiina, an em-dash is appropriate.
5) "I don't remember you being so cynical Tiina." Comma after 'cynical.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
6) "Which I just lost" she says ... Comma after 'lost.' 'She says' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases of dialogue followed by a dialogue tag missing punctuation when a comma is appropriate.
7) Tiina blushes slightly "Aw! Come on." Period after 'slightly.' There are more cases of narrative sentences missing punctuation.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinion. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

hi, read the first four chapters of your entertaining piece "Arkana". I am not familiar with Hindu myth (as well as most others) but understand it has a fable like quality often in the telling. And I think that you bring some of this style into your story telling. I think that this works. I think it is clever and logical to take characters such as shiva (the planet eater) into the future world and give the god substance. You juxtapose myth and sci fi often here, creating characters that i think don't often make it to ground level so to speak. I think the fear may be is they remain 'super' characters and not ones that an average reader can identify with. you do have an odd way of splitting subject and verb with comma here and there, that will through a reader offf, but perhaps there is some reason for this device, or a cadence that you are following, i know i often through commas in where others wouldn't, i have starred you well and will look back to see what is up, best wishes

hi Laxmi,
I lost 52 backings during edit and thank you for redoing it.

This begins with excellent writing; the prologue highlights your talent. Your sentences flow smoothly together, and your word choice is spot on. Very compelling narrative. It also sets the stage for an exciting premise.

I like your choice of first person, present tense. This style is becoming more and more popular, which would make this marketable. You also execute it well.

Nice figurative language, "Swept along by a tide of the inevitable." Some of the narrative in her is beautifully done.

The dialogue between Tiina and Yudi effectively builds the setting, scenario, and characters. You also write dialogue really well, moving along at a realistic pace by avoiding unrealistic sentences and dialogue tags. This also gives us some excellent characterization of the two and develops their relationship. In "Arkana," you use a few more tags than are necessary. When there are only two people talking, you can pretty much cut most of their tags.

I love the setting established in Arkana. It had almost a Star Wars kind of feel as they passed through the rooms. As a fan, I found this intriguing and wanted to know more about the world(s) they live in.

The style of writing in The Destiny of Shaitan is right up my alley. It's fast-paced and polished, avoiding lengthy paragraphs and verbose sentences.

Suggestions: Watch out for telling sentences such as "When the moment of madness was over..." and "Shiva was furious." Instead try to show this to bring your reader into the story. "When the moment of madness ended..." "In an instant of absolute clarity, Shiva cursed..." It's clear he's furious through his curse. Watch out for "was" and "were" as they are the two most obvious signs of telling. Though it's well-written and interesting, the prologue begins with an infodump. No matter how fascinating this information is, it doesn't benefit you to start this way. Instead, begin with conflict and bring this information into the story as it develops. The scene following it would be a strong opener. I know you need to introduce Shaitan, but this is just something to think about. I've read that some agents/publishers are tired of reading submissions that begin with the character waking up. It works here, but I thought I'd let you know. You like using sentences that begin with gerunds (-ing words). I'd limit this sentence construction, using it more sparingly. Watch out for unnecessary adverbs; there were a few. Your writing is strong enough without them. You bounce between Yudi and Tiina's perspectives, and it's difficult to follow whose head we're in at times, particularly in Arkana. I'd pick one and stick with it; it'll allow you to tap into the main character's thoughts more, which would help strengthen this piece.

Typos: Should be "led to the union." The use of the semi-colon in "He could do this..." is incorrect. An independent clause should follow a semi-colon. How about, "Shaitan simply stole Shiva's celestial weapon: the Trident." You can have unnecessary "of" in the sentence, "The sweat pools at the base..." Though I'm all for fragments that move along the flow of your writing (you have quite a few that work well), "Picking up speed, to a steady..." didn't work for me; it's a bit too long as a fragment. I'd make it a complete sentence. "Good-looking" should be hyphenated since it's two words serving as one adjective. Same with "low-pitched." You have an unnecessary comma in "The sound of whirring wings, fill the air." You never want a comma between your subject and its verbs. You're missing a comma in, "Arkana it is" says Yudi. In fact, there are a number of times you're missing punctuation in dialogue; make sure you come through and clean this up. Missing a period at the end of, "The erotic effect of grooming..." The sentence, "So riveted is she by his..." Any time you have two or more independent clauses incorrectly connected, you have a run-on.

This is a very strong start to a fascinating fantasy; however, I wonder if it would be better marketed as science fiction? Anyway, I really enjoyed what I've read so far. Solid writing, fascinating setting, and a compelling premise. Well done!

Hi Laxmi

I like what I have read - it is clearly very complex and deep, but you have a very firm grip on it, and so should be able to convey it well. It is well written, and the only thing I really noticed were a lot of commas completely out of place. Other than that, I'm not keen on the present tense - there doesn't seem to be any reason for it, unless there is some kind of deeper meaning behind it that ties in with the point of the story.

I will keep it on my watchlist until I have a space on my bookshelf :)

Your story idea, though complex, intrigues me. I think that I would have an easier time of it if I understood more about the eastern religions. Your grasp of the English vocabulary is excellent, and your word choice is varied and effective. I really enjoy the composition of several of your sentences, as well.

After the prologue (which is in past tense), you switch to present tense. This confused me a little, but it seems to work well for action scenes. In the first chapter, there are a *lot* of new concepts thrown at the reader, like teleportation, "psy" powers, spaceships, and monsters. It seems like a lot to take in all at once. I felt a little bit like someone thrown into the deep end of a pool. On the bright side, it means your universe is complex and fantastical. On the other hand, it means you have more of a challenge to engage your readers and bring them into your world. I'm not sure how you would ease people into all the strange sights your worlds have to offer, but I think your story would benefit from the effort.

As other readers have apparently mentioned, grammar is something that needs extra attention. There are a few awkward word choices, but the majority of the issues seem to be with comma placement. Here are some things that I noticed:

The opening phrase "created in lust and disowned at birth" is great!

"His mother Ira seduced the supreme God Shiva conceiving Shaitan" - This needs a comma, like so: "His mother Ira seduced the supreme God Shiva, conceiving Shaitan"

"which lead to the union of these two strong souls." - I believe you meant "led", not "lead".

"When most needed Shaitan's powers" - This needs a comma, like so: "When most needed, Shaitan's powers"

"Thus even as the first cells…" - This sentence would benefit from two commas, like this: "Thus, even as the first cells of Shaitan's being were conjugated, he was condemned." I like this sentence a lot. It feels very powerful.

"By then he knew he was unique." could benefit from a comma: "By then, he knew that he was unique."

"supreme super life form" - I don't know if you need to add "super" when you already have "supreme". I would pick one and remove the other.

"the more traditional and typically the more honest way." is a sentence fragment, so you shouldn't connect it to the previous sentence with a semicolon. You could use a dash, like so: "He could do this step by step - the more traditional and, typically, the more honest way."

"take one kingdom at a time, raze it to the ground and rebuild it his way." - It looks like you're missing one comma. It should be "take one kingdom at a time, raze it to the ground, and rebuild it his way."

"divine path to glory, an accelerated five seconds" - This comma should be a dash instead, since it's a sentence fragment tacked onto the end of another sentence.

"Shaitan simply stole Shiva's celestial weapon the Trident." should have a comma: "Shaitan simply stole Shiva's celestial weapon, the Trident."

"Surely as the son of Shiva," needs one more comma: "Surely, as the son of Shiva,"

"strength flow right through him uniting the skies above" needs a comma: "strength flow right through him, uniting the skies above"

I hope this is at least a little bit helpful, and I look forward to reading your work again in time.

First of all nice book cover! No doubt others will have meantioned it.
The pitch was put together well and I was interested from the start - as you already know because I aproached you tp read your book.
I love the idea of the half human, and half alien world and no doubt if you read all of my book when I finally download it you'll understand why. In fact your book could be a follow on from mine; my fifth world.
I also like the way you've used religious names. I haven't read much - does religion pay much of a part in the book. are there actually Gods?
Your writing style seems to suit the world and characters you are creating, and you are creating them well.
Your descriptions lack nothing; they are structured well and not over done.
Your book should do well Laxmi. 6 points and I'll back you in the nexr few days.
Junetee

It's a pleasure to be reading Arkana - The Destiny of Shaitan. The narrative is rich, the imagery is vivid - that is surely an evocative and compelling read. I have nothing to criticize, which happens to me rarely, so I definitely award this book six stars and hope to read as much of it as I can.

Good luck to you with the excellent book, Laxmi!
Ivan

Arkan - The Destiny of Shaitan - stays true to all its TAGS and its author provides a novel of excellent value and quality throughout and delivers far more than eastern promise. Laxmi Hariharan has obviously done her research into the myths surrounding the The Hindu Deities and her love and knowledge of the associated interpretations of the literature adorns her vivid descriptive style. So much so, her rendering of a fantasy based on ancient asian stories while relevant to a modern setting, can readily be compared to the enchantments of Greek & Roman mythology. I have read several Chapters and am compelled by her command and control of pace to feast on the prose to an excess of indulgence. Yet, I must reluctantly pause with the intention of reading right through to the conclusion and offer a further Comment. I will return. An ample sprinkling of stars is likely. Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

Arkana – The Destiny of Shaitan.
By Laxmi Hariharan.


I am already captured by the avatar even before I turn a page…an eastern persona …beckoning the reader with its colorful image.
The first thing a reader notices, is the book cover…it’s the biggest selling point the author can ever have.
You can have a hotel with gold taps and the finest furnishings, but if the front facade is dull and dreary then you will surely have empty rooms. This is a true fact, I can assure you.
The book lives up to its cover, a mythological fantasy, with nothing spared when it comes to description.
The giant killer bees scene with Yudi and Tiina fighting for their lives…I thought this was done well.
I did notice a few errors, I won’t dwell upon them…the book is very good.
Pleased to add stars to your book, Laxmi …the best with this!!

Thank you for backing my book, I really appreciate it.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Hi Laxmi,

First of all, fantastic cover!

I have started to read your book and am impressed with the story, It is a fine addition to the fantasy genre. One nice touch is incorporating Hindu gods. I feel that this could draw in a lot of readers.

As others have mentioned, there are a few grammar mistakes here and there that need tidying up. No big problem and most of us make the odd mistake or two, I know I do!
That said, I am enjoying reading and will continue to do so. I will comment again after reading more. For now, high stars and in the queue for my shelf.

Best wishes,
Simon.
Yuko Zen Is Somewhere Else.

Hi Laxmi,

I thoroughly enjoyed your book, Arkana - The Destiny of Shaitan. You bring a modern twist to Hindu mythology, drawing readers into the plot with interesting and engaging characters and fascinating storyline. Both your narratives and dialogues are well done.

As some reviewers have noticed, there are minor grammatical corrections to make throughout your piece.

I am sending stars your way and backing your book. Best of luck!

Deb

Hi Laxmi,

Happy to take a look at your book, though unfortunately I'm afraid I can't be too helpful. I never, ever read fantasy and in fact it's almost a foreign language to me. That said, I do recognize good writing when I see it. Your story is engaging and pulls the reader in quickly. I'm giving you lots of stars for the quality writing and imagination. Good luck,
Andi
Animal Cracker

I found the beginning really interesting...Will find some time to read the rest of the chapters...And I have to agree with some of the comments that the cover picture of your book looks wonderful...I have added you to my watchlist and showered with stars...Good Luck

I have to agree with the previous comment. You have a very alluring, colourful and attractive cover, mystical, certainly the type one would want. :) I do love your style - it reads so beautifully, and is cultural in its incorporation of Hindu gods, incorporations that I thought added beautifully. The short pitch is the best I've seen in a while!

I do think you need to pay attention to commas. I won't point out places, I'd have to type whole sentences and I've done that too often now. Just read it to yourself, and add commas were you need pause for breath. An enjoyable read, good luck! :)

I love the picture - mesmerizing! :) And as for the story... I find the names and the references to gods a little confusing, despite which it was a very engaging story! Definitely tons of potential, I hope you're willing to put in the time to polish it. Highly rated, and well deserved.

Hi laxmi,
Thank you for backing my book Ozoneraser. I read through smoe chapters of your book. You reflected some of my beliefs about hindu mythology. very interesting. I would like to go back and read it in full as soon as I find some time. I can be reached at vdandibhotla@gmail.com

this book sounds interesting.

hi Laxmi,
just a few thoughts : the title is good, the avi intersting and colourful, reflecting the style of your writing. The short pitch could be spiced up a little, because many stories have this theme, and it is more attractive if the pitch has individual qualities. The long pitch could benefit from a couple of paragraph indentations, with a space after 'past' and 'goal'.
Your writing is skilled and flows well, taking the reader along on a rough and tumble journey. I enjoyed the intimacy of the moment, which became real despite the fantasy setting. Past and present become mixed and the introduction of modern concepts and gadgets makes this a young reader's paradise, while adults may equally revel in the descriptions and friendly dialogue.
Ame
Normsville

I can't remember exactly how I stumbled across your novel, but the premise drew me in so I read the first chapter. You have a great idea here, a plot idea that I'm a sucker for. Your concept is good, but so far I have noticed that your execution needs two things - editing and tightening. You have issues with punctuation and flow especially, and it is somewhat distracting. What age group exactly is this aimed at? Random question, but back to the editing. At one point towards the end of chapter one I got really confused and it seemed like it suddenly jumped to something else. I'm not sure what happened there.

Another problem I had was the dialogue. I will be honest and say at times it sounded cheesy, and it doesn't sound like stuff that real people of any age would say. After the all important one chapter, I don't feel like I know much about the characters or who they are, just what they are and their situation. I'm adding this to my watchlist so that when I have time (as in when I am not procrastinating from doing work) I will go back through and read a few more chapters. Good luck!

This book is powered by pure imagination and awe inspiring scene setting. I am not a great fan of Sci-Fi but I found this rivetting. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

great pitch and cover, needs some punctuation help, but then it's not that distracting. BACKED

Hello – I like to comment as if I was reading your book in a shop or library, just making notes as I go along. I hope this is Ok for you, it works for me and it is fun

The Destiny of Half Lives

I like the cover

The pitches are good and work well

I am enjoying the read, some of the vocabulary strikes me as a “different” choice but it adds to the slightly otherworldly tenure of the voice.

I am a little unconvinced by Yudi’s thoughts when they are fighting the killer bees, I know they are part alien but surely in a situation as life and death as this seems to be philosophising about past, future and destiny etc is stretching belief a little especially as it is then referred to as reverie – reverie in the middle of a fight with killer bees?

I do have a problem with this because, it is not my sort of read, I like fantasy but not space fantasy and not such fantastic fantasy – I know that is an oxymoron but there we go.

I see that the story is well written and I would imagine that it would appeal greatly to readers who enjoy this style and so I hope you will forgive me if I leave the comment there, I am backing this because I see that it had value and it is only my personal preference that is getting in the way of my enjoyment. I wish you the best of luck with this venture. – Diane

The Destiny of Half Lives

You feel to have a very easy, almost sensuous style for your writing and yet it echoes an underlying toughness that is portrayed so beautifully through this story.
I was surprised how easily you drew me into the story though the characters. My only thoughts about anything that had a negative impact on me, and it is so slight was, some of the narrative (in my mind) was missing a little descriptive sound. Didn’t take anything from the story, I don’t think anything could. – Good luck

THE DESTINY OF HALF LIVES:

Laxmi,

Your plot is original and absolutely fascinating. Your writing is fresh and full of energy. This will be very well
received by the YA audience, and I wish you all the luck with its path to publication.

Backed.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

Laxmi,

The Destiny of Half Lives - Yudi, Tiina and Rai, a likable threesome, have to save themselves before they can save the world. Anything can happen in that great ocean of mind. The Mahabharata is a fantastic epic, the greatest, cyclic, and full of wisdom. And you churn up its facets into a magical tale. Stored in Arkana, remnants of each culture encapsulated, waiting for resurrection into a new brave world. A story full of surprises. The swift yet magical prose works well for YA. Best success with the work.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Fantasy is not my thing, but you have a great start here and a fantastic cover. The premise is intriguing and I am sure this will do well. Backed

Charming. Backed with pleasure!

Tope Apoola
Times of the supermen

This is an interesting fantasy story because, instead of creating a new fantasy world, the author places it in New York City. Another unique feature is that it’s written in present tense; gives a feeling that it’s happening right in front of a reader’s eyes. Characters who are half human, half alien add to the book’s strength. All that combined makes this a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Really enjoyed this. Great flow and smooth Love the interaction between Yudi and Tina early on. Though on an alien planet, it was easy to connect to their environment and situation. Holds a lots of potential. Good job.

Randy
Bound By Birth
www.randallwheeler.com

This book has a good premise. I like your style too. It’s hard to get present tense to work this smoothly its clear you’ve worked at it.

You use of dialogue flows naturally and you establish your characters well. This is a good read with a lot of promise.

Well done.

~ ILA ~

Great idea, pitch and writing, and something that I think would work terrifically well in the current young adult book market.
Backed

Bobby
Dented Sensation

Hi Laxmi
A great idea and you've made this work. I liked your characters and they were easy to identify with. Nice use of dialogue to keep the pace of the story.
Backed
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi Laxmi,

I already backed the book but have returned to comment. I really enjoyed reading this book. I thought the pacing was perfect. Good, authentic dialogue and very well written. You are quite the storyteller. What a great imagination.

Shinzy :)

Full of well thought out surreal invention. Well done.
Backed
Rodney

Well written with good dialogue and pace. I think you have the exchanges between your characters about right, and cannot think of any suggested improvements here. Backed. Colin

See this is great even aliens can have relationship issues! From the pitch through the prose I have read so far this is very engaging. Not normally my genre, you cover art caught my eye and it went from there. This is a well crafted piece of literature, polished and smart! BACKED with pleasure.

Excellent... I wish you the very best of luck with your book. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In The Moment'

To be honest I'm not wild about science fiction, but this is well written, very confident, with a great deal of charm. Backed with pleasure
BADD

I love what I have read so far
Great imagery and descriptions--I think you do a very good job of connecting with your readers. The book is filled with tension, action, and suspense. You are a gifted writer my friend and your manuscript will do very well.

Best wishes

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks