Bed of Roses

A dramatic read, set amid a stark public housing project. The book has a visceral feel, both dark and compelling. Nicely done.
Eric Wilder - Prairie Sunset

That first chapter was what got me. There's a mystery behind it that makes the reader want to find out why she's so cruel to herself and why she's such a pessimist. I'm definitely going to keep reading.

Awesome. I would rewrite it in the first person and send it to Harper True.
Frank

This is a very moving book, and at the same time there is something very pleasant about it. The love shown by the Big Brothers to the little black girl is part of this, and the innocent happiness of the child is another part. You have explored some hard issues here, and gone down into the depths of human life. This is valuable and important in itself, and in doing it you have also written in a very readable, good style. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Indie, true life circumstances, what can I say...they are what they are. I like your story and how you show the different sides to each story. Backed.

Natasha (Water Under the Bridge...rises)

Indie...All I have to say is "WOW!!!" I mentioned before that I was lured in by the pitch. I usually only get to read the first three or four chapters before I move on to the next book, but your story was so interesting, and brought back so many old memories that I couldn't stop reading. I am on chapt 6 and am still looking forward to what's next. I did see a few grammatical errors and maybe a few opportunities for change in word choices, but none that detracted from the book. AWESOME JOB! I love it.

This is a great story that explodes in the very beginning with witty remarks.

I am also a fan of the dark humor and you do not disappoint. It takes a person who understands human behavior to have such intelligent descriptive writing as you do.

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

I recognise that girl, oh so well, in oh so many ways. Your first paragraph reminds me of that fabulous song Bitch and I loved it and the chapters that followed. My only worry is that this often tells us about the past rather than really showing us but I will forgive that as the telling is so beguiling.
Very backed
Jane
WALKER

SHELVED you yesterday because this is a compelling story.

I can use your comments on my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Darkly inspiring, peppered with grace.
V
Hawaiian Orchid/Ginger

Oh this is so delicious. You had me with the first sentence - the truth and horror of life in all its reality presented with such dark humour. It was so good that I was brought up short when the first chapter ended so suddenly. It is very short and the following, while longer, are still short for lit fiction which I think this is. I wanted more time to wallow.
you dont say in your profile whether you return reads - Hope you do
un beso
Tracy
Last Tango in Buenos Aires

Loved your story.
Good idea to tell it through other eyes.
on my bookshelf.
Suggestions.
You need to make it double clear when you change narrator.
i have this problem. It seems readers skip around a lot and get confused..
All the best with it..........mikey........The Free

I was drawn to this from your premise which I felt was very intriguing. The writing is strong - you manage to create a different feel to the narrative as you flit between characters which works well. Pace and description is also commendable! My only tip would be to watch for word repetition. Backed. Clare (Second Lives)

I’m reading through the first five chapters of this, and making comments along the way. As always, this is just my opinion and may well be worthless. I am also a nitpicker and will point out typos etc. We miss them in our own work while they leap out at others. So …
This is a sad beginning; I felt sorry for this woman with such a negative view of herself. No terrible typos, but I’d consider rephrasing the sentence that starts: ‘Sitting in the messy piles of bills, stuffed haphazardly in a cardboard box, she realised … ‘
Chapter 1 … This is delightful. Such good feeling between the little girl and her brothers. I chuckled at the bit about the 45s being scattered like Frisbees. Nice. But again sad at the end.
Chapter 3 … This gives me a positive feeling. I wonder why you are referring to your MC only and always as a ‘little black girl’? I’m sure there’s a reason but it’s a bit jarring.
Ch 4 … Um, I know what ESL means, but not GED. Bear in mind many readers, like myself, are from other countries.
Ah, this is sad, about the drug use. I liked the line, ‘You are not your surroundings, no matter what those surroundings might be.’
I like her Mama lots; but there’s a sad feeling of something bad coming in adult life to this little girl. Good use of poetry in this chapter.
Chapter 5 … Ow, by the end of this I am worrying about this little girl and her friend BC.
I have to say I didn’t think I would like this when I first started. It’s not the sort of thing I tend to read. But the five chapter I read were well done and paint a touching picture of a young girl growing up in a not very wonderful atmosphere. I presume she is the woman we met in the first chapter and we can see how she got to be who and what she is. Well done.

Wonderful story. You really get inside the character's skins from the first page. Best, Sana

This is lively chick lit... but its not chick lit. It's wow! Emotionally deep, with characters created by a profound pen (does that make sense?).

Loved how you connect aspects of current behaviour and past events. Nice work here. Something that steps outside chick lit genre.

I enjoyed your evocative, fast paced style thoroughly.

BACKED

You've given a very intense, in-depth look on the Type A personality. I have to echo the sentiments of Paxie concerning Harper True. This book definitely belongs in print as it is effective and educational, yet a brilliant read at the same time. On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Indie
Is there a reason for not using 'the little blackm girls' name straight away.....she , the little girl.....it occured to me that after two chapters I was being reminded of my childrens books.....

I wonder have you notced the www.harpertrue.com advert on this site.....If you have a true life story, they ask for 2000 words and decided if they want to take it further.....It;s the possibility for a fast track publishing option....Maybe you should look into this.....

I enjoyed this, very poignant and powerfully written....It's a fairly unique piece......Best of luck with this...

shelved with pleasure.

hi
this is very fluid and evocative. your MC's isolation is poignant. i read two chapters and enjoyed it. there are a few small errors that need sorting out but i am s ure you will do that in the final edits. over all i found it interesting and genuine. i think your MC matters to you. shelved.

Judith (Peaceweaver) (The Forest Dwellers)

This is much to like about your story.

You tap into human emotions beautifully, the opening chapter showing us an MC, depressed, lacking self esteem and my heart instantly went out to her as it did the little girl.

My only small pick is the repetition of some words. EG in the first chapter you talked about her pep talk and began the next sentance with pep talk again, perhaps you could have started with It consisted of or The talk usual consisted or something to that effect. Same with Barbies in the second chapter, we know she is playing and thinking about the Barbies perhaps dolls or something else to replace the repetition. Allow the reader to know this is what you are refering without the repeat. I hope this make sense.

Aside from this one thing, I like your style and think you have a great (non-fiction - true) story but are telling it well rather than reciting facts. I could imagine it would be difficult to right a true account in a 'fictional' story type manner.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Hey Indie,

Finished Bed of Roses. Very easy to notice it came from the heart. The writing style is much more dreamy than realistic, which is an odd comparison given the book substance. You've already done quite a bit of work on it so this suggestion is more a a "what if?" comment than anything else, but I was just curious for your reason for 3rd person? You don't often seen too many MC driven memoirs in third person. So for one thing, it is definitely memorable.

Also, what does the description of "white like russian, black like mexican in summer" mean? I assume the black is for his looks, but what about the whiteness?


-matt

Hi Indie!

This is certainly written from the heart... The opening chapter is honest, edgy, gritty life. Consumed with panic and shame, having the gas turned off because she couldn't find the receipt, escaping to the tub with her wine, music for comfort. The in-your-face "pep talk" - so many people (women especially) will relate to this roller coaster of emotions. Chapter two is written with an intangible touch of innocence - very sweet and sad all at the same time. Heartbreaking.

Some notes/nits I wrote down as I read through:
-In the pitch, the comma after "amidst" is not necessary
-Chapter 1, paragraph two - She couldn't find the receipt for the gas bill - I'd put a period here and start a new sentence with "She'd"
-"bath tub" is one word (bathtub)
-"re-assembled" is one word, no hyphen (reassembled)
-"make up" is one word (makeup)

The only other thing that struck me as odd was the capitalization of Big Brother, Artist Brother and Mama (when used before "her"). As I read into the story, it jarred less and less - I think it's just part of your style, and with regards to BB and AB, you're using it as proper names. With Mama, usually when not used as a name the word is in lower caps. I hesitate to even mention it because like I said, as I read further, it started to make more sense to me. Just thought I'd bring it up in case you get other comments on it.

All in all, a very lovely, enjoyable read. I'm happy to back this and wish you the very best of luck!

Kim
Invisible Justice

I think the different POVs work extremely well in the book, because they build a multi-dimensional view of your MC, and compare and contrast the different perceptions. None of us is how others see us, and you show this in the various observations you record. Your MC is on a brave journey, in which you show just how strong the human spirit can be in the face of adversity. It's a most compelling read,and it has my full backing. Best wishes, Tony.

I only read two chapters but I thought they were great, full of interest and humanity and realistic, infact very moving. Backed with real pleasure.
BADD

This is an enthralling story written with a highly intelligent, rhetorical vocabulary. I get an enormous sense of satisfaction when I read about people, women in particular, who are able to overcome impoverished backgrounds and rise above the ruins. Women like you who have the gift of writing need to have your voice heard, not for self-aggrandizement but to serve as role models and as messengers of hope.

In that spirit, I would like to offer a few comments and suggestions. This work would have read better as a memoir written in the first person. By using the third person, you create an emotional distance between the characters and the reader. Assuming this is, in fact, an autobiography, you as the author have literally stepped outside yourself and seemingly given your experiences and emotions to a character you have created. Hence, your book reads more like a work of fiction, which will not evoke the same impact as if it were written by a "real" person. By calling the main character "little black girl" and others by pseudonyms, i.e. "the 19-yo" (sic) or "the nerdy white boy," you essentially strip them of their personalities and the importance of their being.

Your work also will require some detailed editing for grammatical and punctuation flaws, mostly in the way of run-on sentences and commas where there should be periods.

The purpose of most memoirs of this type is to offer hope or redemption. If this is your goal, may I suggest you relate this to the reader, either in your pitch or perhaps your prologue or first chapter. You provide us with a lot of negatives about the life of the main character, and we understand that, but where is this going? Does she find happiness at last, and if so, how? Give the reader a reason for reading your book. Going to college was a major attainment for her, but this is described in a cursory manner. Allow her accomplishments to sing with lyrics from your heart, then let the reader hear the melody and feel inspired by it.

I do applaud you for writing this. It takes a lot of courage and self-analization to write a memoir, not always a pleasant task but always a cathartic one.

On that premise, I am shelving your book.

Good luck with it!
Isabel

Some really great heart felt writting here. This is strong thought provoking, far beyond your chick lit genre. I've nothing against chick lit, infact I love it, but this feels to me beyond it. You may actually be doing your book an injustice here by the classification. I reckon you will attract a wider audience if you change that. Just my opinion mind you, I'm certainly no expert.
Backed.
All the very best.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

I think this has lots of potential so I am backing it. I noticed some things that spoil your first page and need correction to avoid putting people off. First, there's an error in the second sentence in para 2; second, perhaps a bath in para 3 is not a good follow up to water being turned off in para 2. But I like your writing style and your story line. Good luck with this. Tacitus (Where Truth Lies)

Bed of Roses

Hi Indie

This is brilliant, really very good. You have such a strong voice here, stream of consciousness stuff but so realistic too. Emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, written by someone who has really been able, probably through bitter personal experience, stand back far enough from life to work out what makes her tick.

You are an excellent writer and this is an excellent example of your talent. You hit the nail on the head completely with that sense of not being able to live in one’s skin. Upliftingly good writing, took me to another place.

Well done, best wishes and good luck, backing this but that much should be obvious.
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

Ok - I have read until chapter 4 and I am going to carry on with this. Your writing is captivating, you paint a picture with your descriptions and accurate dialect. I really understand the poverty and how she feels as "the little black girl". I love your short paragraphs, I love your art of storytelling and I will be reading more and be back to comment further. Shelved and backed for now.......love Sarah (Appreciating Angels)

Welcome to Authonomy. You're on my shelf.

Rodney