Archangel

Hi Liera,

I have the prologue and chapter 1 and found myself intrigued by your story. Here are my comments:

1/ The paragraphs about the escape looks very similar to "Dark Angel". Like every detail... Ok, the names are different but still, it's pretty close.
2/ There are some spelling mistakes like "I am a weapon and Darn brilliant..." instead of "I am a weapon and Damn brilliant...", or "restraunt" instead of "restaurant", "She never let's me..." instead of "She never lets me...".
3/ At first, when Michael describes her friends' abilities and hers, I felt like they are indestructible... That would have made a poor story. But as I kept reading, flaws unfold. Michael has trouble to stay calm with Morpheus talking, Aeon is trying to enjoy life despite her nature (I know not really a flaw in reality but that makes her less perfect). Still, Michael seems too perfect... I understant she has many abilities but I think it would be better unfold them one by one, like new skill as she grows older?

Anyway, I think I'll keep reading and surely back it very soon once my shelf has one spot free!

Cheers, J

This would translate so easily into a film with hints of 'I Robot' and other 'Humanoid' characters. The explanation of the name Michael is great but I would still have trouble with it over the length of a full book. It would cause confusion at times, would the name 'Michaela' have been a compromise and a nod in the right direction? I mention this because readers can make fickle judgements and a quick glance in the store may put someone off if the name isn't clear. On my watchlist and waiting for shelf space. Star-rated. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

This is clever!
You have a great plot developing here. I think the character you are building for Michael is very good.
There is a very compelling element to this. I suspect it is the hooks you put in early on. Whatever it is it worked got me wanting to read more. – Good luck.

You're a vet here so you know I'm a pitch doctor of sorts. The short pitch works. With the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. Also end it with a succinct question so it piques your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Liera, I love the powers of Michael - oh, to have the powers of the angels who are sent to minister to those who are heirs of salvation Heb 1:14 - some day we shall judge them I Cor 6:3. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

ARCHANGEL
This is an interesting story. I like the idea that it reveals what has been going on in Area 51. Who would have guessed? I found Michael’s name confusing at first so I’m glad you explained that. Overall, this is an intriguing read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

backed with pleaure. Good style and imagination at its best - andy

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

I expect the spelling mistakes have already been pointed out to you Leira. You repeat the same mistakes several times. The other thing is some of the paragrphs could be cut in half, or even into three parts. Nit picking over.
Archangel, is a beautiful story, you tell it well and I love the way you write. I would love to read more, when you have put it all together. When the few problems are sorted, I think this will go right to the top. Backed with pleasure.
Norman. The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And, Muddledydo.

Very cool! You have a very strong central character and the voice comes through booming. Great start that just keeps going. It paces well, though the history lesson seemed to take me out of the story a little. I like what you have going there, I think it speaks well to its audience. It is well written. Backed with pleasure!

Tawn Anderson (Providence)

An ideal read for your target audience.

The pitches are excellent too.

Great writing.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Love the cover, I love every single tag you wrote for this and it made me want to read this even more that the short pitch .

This book is fucking great, the main character is awesome, and the writing is fluent and fact-paced. I am backing the hell out of this hehe.

Hi Leira
This is good fun with a slight sprinkling of Dark Angel - shelved

Great prologue and then a better first and second chapter. You do teenage angst very well and I'm fascinated by the voice in Michael's head. The super powers are perhaps a little extreme but that rather depends on whether you put the team up against something worthy of them.

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Archangel is a good read with an intriguing plot that provides a great framework for action and drama. You exploit that potential well, and though I only read the first few chapters I liked the style, especially the straightforward, natural dialogue which keeps up the pace and tension. This will do well with Sci-Fi fans who like a sprinkling of conspiracy theory with their morning cereal. Backed.

Wow, what an interesting idea.Just a couple of typos:
"...more of an adverse effect THAN we would like..."
"... seems to have THE most promise..."

All over there are missing commas that are unexpected and sort of affect the flow of the read, but besides that I have nothing to critique.

And awesome cover, by the way!

Is this YA? I can't see all the tags, but it reads YA--the writing is simple and direct.
I really was drawn to this through the pitch. Saw it on my news thread and though I would come over and take a look. The idea is a highly entertaining one and a plot that I haven't heard before. Unique, woudl be the word.
The prologue is a good blip as to what is going on. You set this up well.
I was interested to see the prologue was third person but the first chapter first.
Usually I like third person better but in this case, and to connect more with the audience, have you considered writing the prologue first person. It would allow your reader to connect with your MC right off the bat. Instead of waiting till chapter one to allow us into her. It would be interesting to see what she is thinking and feeling during her stay in the lab.
THis promises to be engaging as you describe her as a killing machine in the prologue, emphasis on machine.
I think this is different and would be a success amongst its targeted market
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Hello Leira,

Your beginning gave us a nice ease into the MC of your story. And gives us more information on who is is and where she came from (assuming the start of her containment at Area 51). The only item I was not sure about was, did you intend in your prologue to have a different view other than the main characters? This may be only my opinion, but I felt it gave us too much distance from your main character. It would make it more interesting in you gave her take on the exact situation and hopefully give us an immediate connection with the character.

Your long pitch sounds very promising and intriguing (it's nice to have strong female leads laced with layers). It wants me to read more of you book and find how will Micheal will fair. I get the impression that there must be a strong antagonist in the story since Micheal is already deemed as a killing machine. Only one more thing I thought I should point out is the short pitch. It has been said many times in literature and I think you could create a more effective/original pitch but has the same overall feeling.

P.S love the cover art!

Best of luck with this,
Victoria (Revulsion in Light of Devotion)

I have sisters. I feel the pain. But even they are nothing compared to this.

Ill back it.

AR Latif
The Mr.Terry Mysteries

A great book for the target market, who haven't grown up with the six million dollar man.
Well written, and worthy of a spin on my shelf.... the kids at my school would lap this book up.

BACKED

Your YA target age group will eat this up once you have dealt with some of the POV issues.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Interesting characters and descriptions. I read your uploaded chapter 4 (labeled chapter 3) and I liked the pacing. Great last line that makes me want to turn the page.

My only issue was that I wasn't always sure who was talking. Take the line "you worry too much" for example. You follow that piece of dialogue with internal reflections -- so it would appear the speaker and the thinker are not the same even though it's on the same line. This made me pause as a reader and wonder if I had the dialogue missmatched and then I had to reread (not a good thing). Each character does have a unique voice (which is good) so it was more formatting than anything, but I thought I'd mention it. Good luck with this.

Hey Leira i am really liking your book so far, i can't wait to read more. and i have to say that i like that your characters names they are all unique and fit their personality's. Even though Michael is a odd name for a girl but hey who ever said that Michael was a normal girl, so it works.
Ella

I think this is a great idea here with a lot of potential.

I personally thought you could have show us the start or their escape rather than telling us about it... show the date and what happened and then jump ahead to current time. I found it all a bit much of info being dumped rather than being involved as it happened. Then you could introduce some of the other things such as talents and other bionics as you go. This is only me though... but this would hold my interest more.

Also some of your paragraphs are a little bulky and this can be a bit daunting for some readers too.

I can see where you are going with this and I think you have a great story. Definitely unique and intriguing.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

This is a very creative idea and one that interests me a lot.

I don't know if you're aware, but this sounds very similar to "Dark Angel" so you may have to be careful that you don't write something identical to the TV series.

I've enjoyed reading what I have read so far, and I've added it to my watchlist, but there were just a few little things I thought could be altered;

Firstly a tiny typo in your brief "Michael and her seven friend's bionic..." needs to have an apostrophe after the S, not before.

Secondly, I did wonder what made you choose the name Michael for a lead character that is a female. I am aware that women can be called Michael but it is traditionally a male name, and I felt like it took away some feminity from her. The message behind Michael is that there is more to her than meets the eye - she may look like a beautiful harmless girl, but she is lethal on the inside - and I feel like by giving her the name Michael, it takes away the secret inner-strength.

That's it really, the story itself was very engaging.

Christopher Couture
(Superhated)

PS. Thanks for putting my book on your shelf, it's much appreciated.

Erm... Is "Michael" not a male name? Am I missing something here? I've heard of Michelle and Micaela...
"Reared it's ugly head" should read "reared its ugly head" but you should really drop it - it's a cliché.
It's a fascinating plot, with some interesting characters and I can see it appealing to a wide audience. Shelved for the potential.
Frank

I don't know where you are from, or how common the name of Michael is for a girl, but it may cause difficulities with some readers. Here in England, we have a Princess Michael, but she just about the only female Michael there is. That aside, I think you have a very good book here. The story is highly-imaginative and quite gripping. You've got strong characters, and some really nice descriptive passages. I think your book will do well, and it has my backing. Best wishes, Tony.

Good story idea, well written and easy for the reader to sink into. I would be careful, if I were you, to avoid run-on sentences disguised with commas. Read it out loud, and if you naturally pause where the comma is now, consider a period instead.
backed
- genevieve
Under The Same Sky
p.s. I'd love to hear what you think of my book sometime.

Original and captivating.

Your prose is a bit dense; you're going to want to comb through and thin out any redundancies, and remember to 'show not tell.' That said I think this has loads of potential!
Backed.
Oh, and a kickass cover as well.
V
Hawaiian Orchid/Ginger

Hi Leira. Great pitch. Read a few chapters then skipped in a ways. Very nice. Writing is clean, clear and the story is well presented. Good flow nothing I can see to crit. Well worth backing. On my shelf and best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Well, this is interesting. An 18 yr old 'half human half robotic mutant freak' with a male name (Michael) in a book titled Archangel (presumably - Michael). While the familiar elements, especially Area 51, are always up for reinvention, I did wonder if perhaps you could tighten this a bit. (and maybe explain upfront why she's called Michael). Anyway, backed for a great idea, cover and title.

Leira,

You've posted just enough to tease your way onto my shelf.

Rodney

I love what you added its really good, the first chapter is still a little fast past. can't wait to see more!

Oh Leira just spotted your other comment here. If you want to respond to someone make sure you put it into there messages instead of responding here, as they will not recieve it. Click on Andrews name and leave the message on his profile. I think what he means by white space is, break up your blocks of writing make the paragraphs smaller. Take a step back from the page and look at it again and visualise more white space and then tackle the work and find natural places to break up the writing. It makes for much easier reading.
All the best.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Hi Leira
I absolutely adore your book cover and your pitch would be one I'd be drawn to. I love the idea for this book. Theres very little posted to give a good comment, but from what I've read so far I'd really enjoy this.
Enjoyed and backed.
All the very best.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Archangel

Hi Leira,

This begins with a nice punchy bit, Michael though, a girl, perhaps you explain later. There is loads of potential here, you go for the old Area 51 conspiracy and drag it kicking and screaming into the 21st century. You have the right techniques for this genre, short paragraphs, good pacing. Your pitch could do with tweaking, it is a tad self-conscious at present. Perhaps it is an idea to remove that question you have in the third line. Of course we want to know more, we’re reading your pitch. Maybe put in a bit more white space and I wondered about the last line, living normally was never an option…rather than what you have.

I always read pitches in a deep American trailer type voice, after all that’s what they are, trailing us into the story. A great idea, well executed so far, I will hopefully be able to come back and read more but most certainly backed on what I have read so far.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)