Forever & Never

Polished and well written! Excellent first chapter that makes the reader want more. Well done! Backing!

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

You can imagine what is written, lots of description. Backed!

Your descritive writing style makes this an interesting read. The dialogue is tight and your use of imagery and character development is excellent. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

BACKED..

This is a good story: an ideal honeymoon gone wrong. You've created good characters for this. Set it in interesting locations. It's a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I think I lived on that Florida beach...lol. Great fast paced opener and scene setting.

D.J.

Forever & Never

You have a great narrative opening, to me it would be enhanced by a slight increase in descriptive sound. And then is started to flow, your dialogue kicked in and the plot began to develop. I think your (strength) dialogue really gives insight into the character. This is an enjoyable story and you mix the genre so very well – Good luck

Hello Loretta. This is absolutely gripping stuff. An intelligently written thriller, the kind I just love toread lying by a pool in the summer. Your pace is terrific and your descriptions are rich and perfectly set the scene. Robert's discovery is well handled and there is a subtleness to your writing that enriches the huge drama. Happy to back this. Carl. The Time Hunters

Hi, Loretta -

Excellent first chapter. Loved the way it started out tranquil and an ordinary morning run, then quickly ratcheted up the tension on discovering the body.

One minor point: You spend a bit of real estate describing your runner crumpling and shredding his kleenex. Now, I used to run 10k's and such, and never, ever carried a kleenex. If the sweat was rolling into my eyes...well, that's what the bottom hem of my T-shirt was for.

No biggie.

Happy to back this, and I'd love it if you could take a look at my book.

Best of luck with Forever & Never.

Thanks.



Happy to back your book.

Best of luck here.

- Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

You open with a strong visual and I can almost hear his heart thumping in his ears as he runs. I was 100 with you but when he stops to make the phone call I found the dialogue lacking. It had no flow, no coercion. I read on and then discovered your excellent body on the beach discovery. This was descriptive and full of detail and excellently written. One small nit what is a Tarp? I’m English and I don’t know what it is it like a Tarpaulin a big waxy cloth? You might need to look at that if you want a world readership. Good luck.
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

You can be very descriptive - poor Robert finding the headless corpse on the beach! Good tension building up - I will return to read more. Backed with pleasure
warm wishes
Hatts

I don't think I would want to be in Bob Loggia's running shoes! Good job describing the grotesque nature of the corpse! Also, you succeed in building the mystery at a nice, steady pace, Loretta! If I'm reading correctly, the female officer in the opening chapter has a rather dry nature about her, as percieved from her interaction with Bob and the police report. Kudos & backed!

Teric Darken

(K - I - L - L FM 100 / U-TURN KiLLuR)

P.S. I dialed 954 - 255 - 2555 and got a Pizza delivery service. You sure that's Bob's number?

Like the start.
Readers and writers by there nature are very visual people and tend to write from the visual sense (visual descriptive narrative), What I have found (and there are great examples on this site) is if you introduce other sensory descriptions it creates a greater atmosphere. The start with the run is very quiet. Think if it were a film what would the background sounds be, build them into the narrative, build them into the scene.
You have a great story and fantastic characterisation and the obvious ability to make it happen – good luck.

Dear Loretta, I love mystery. :) Your book makes for an easy read because you have short paragraphs. :)
Thanks for backing my 2 books. :) Since I've already backed your book, I'll put it on my watchlist to help it advance. Love, Susie :)

Good stuff... backed and my best wishes for your book.

Loretta Stacey:

Your pitch seems to give too much away--that is the ending of the story. You may want to consider leaving the reader with a question that he or she has to ponder. You want the reader to thirst for this story--to find out how it will end. Also think it is too much detail given on what steps Alexandra takes to clear her husband in the pitch. Make the reader hungry for the details.

Into the story, your writing, however is extraordinary. You paint scenes beautifully, but some of the details I feel are unnecessary. For example: After the sentence, "I'll give you a call later" you have Bob pressing the off button on the cell phone. The space after the paragraph suggests that another action is taking place and another is ended. Or you may consider 'hinting to the reader' that Bob has picked up another endeavor:
For example: "Bob, once again jogging focused, picked up his pace trying to gain a foothold on the rugged rocks." (The reader will assume that Bob is no longer on the phone)

You may also consider changing the structure of your sentences such that you are not using "he" so much. Example: "He pressed the stop button on the cell. He sat down on the rocky beach to watch and wait. turning his head, he looked at the tarp again. He thought there was movement." There are FOUR he's in this brief paragraph. Perhaps you could combine these sentence to avoid the over use of "He". For example: Perhaps.

"He pressed the stop button on his cell, sat down on the beech to watch and wait. It appeared that the tarp had moved, but it was only the wind blowing the plastic. " Look through the manuscripts for more such occurrences to tighten up the script. Best wishes. Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

Hi Loretta -- I think you have the basics of a fine novel here but you do need to address some of the problems which other folk have commented on already. BACKED with full support, Barry

YES, good stuff here. I am an automatric fan since I write in the same genre. But this moes quick and you have mastered what you need to tell this thriller. My niggle is this: rewrite the short pitch. It does not master the better longer pitch. Rewrite it and your book will even more sublime. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

read from chapter 47 to the end. You tell a good tale and have a dogged MC in Alexandra. I am glad she got to the truth in the end and cleared her husband's name. Did notice in chapter 47 (I think) that you do not use her name at all, just she, which was confusing. I think you could trim some of these later chapters a bit without losing the pace of your story - too much info about the cruise which did not add to the story. Think audio tape - what does the audience need to know to make sense of the action? Cheers, Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

I enjoyed the detailed descriptions--including the gruesome ones--and the smooth buildup. It's almost a little too smooth, though: try cutting out some of the middle to create a faster transition to the action. I started feeling bogged down around the third chapter: while being able to describe events in such detail is great, there's no reason to include the mundane unless it is going to play a role later on.
The plot has a lot of potential, although it's a little buried right now; good luck!

I'd forget about breaking my previous time, too, if I found a headless body on the beach. What a disgusting way to start the day. Anyway, you have a good start to this. There may have been a little too much at the opening about running and sand kicking up into the air, but once I got past the first three or four paragraphs, I was captivated. Just shrink a little from the start, maybe add just a slight amount of physical description of the surroundings when he started running and you should be fine. All in all, a well-crafted piece of writing. When I get a little more time, I'll be back to read more. Shelved for now.

I focus on first paragraphs because they make the all important first impression and I don't have time to read much more. For me, the first sentence is your sales pitch. If it doesn't sell me, I won't read on. Professional readers read the same way. They go through the pile of manuscripts looking for something that grabs them immediately. In 99% of cases, they don't get much further than sentence one before they stuff it in the SSAE.

So let's take a look: It was early morning when he stepped outdoors. So what? Deal breaker. Tell me more. Was the air the hot wet sponge I remember from living in Clearwater? Were there any pelican pairs flying in formation, any floral scents in the air? Sounds of surf or leaf blowers? Just make sure, whatever it is, it has something to do with what follows. I think you get the idea.

Write me a better first paragraph and accept my backing as a courtesy. Then go through the rest of it and make sure it's equally good.

How could there be dried blood on something that had been washed up out of the sea?
one minute the heads looks like it's screaming in agony and the next it looks like it was sleeping?
check how many times you use the word sand...

Hi Loretta, Great title, Forever and Never. Good pitch. But your first paragraph really turned me off. Of course he had to start on the street where he lived...duh You make the same mistake repeatedly, stating and restating the obvious. It really drags the action down. I also have to question the mans constant tears, men don't usually cry much. Unless this is a foreshadow that he knows this woman I'd cut out all the tears. Maybe the vomiting too, if he works in an ER he's experienced a lot of gore, this is over the top maybe of what he usually sees but repeated vomiting probably not realistic. He lifted the tarp enough to see her dress and her armpit he would have also seen the shark bite and the missing head then, when the police lifted the tarp and you revealed this the to reader and it made him sick, he already knew what was coming. Anyway, just one person's opinion, but I hope these comments are helpful, that's what were here for to grow into better writers.

Good idea here just needs to be reworked a little.

Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards.

Hi Loretta
I agree with what some others have said in that there is a great story in there, but you just need to trim some of the unnecessary wording. Good idea for a plot though and still has real potential.
DP Walker
Five Dares

I thought the very start went on a bit too long (the running and the phone call). The call itself was a little dull. It felt realistic but the sort call if you overheard it on the bus, you wouldn't pay much attention. I would suggest trimming the top and adding maybe a line to the call that would make it the sort of call you would move bus seats to get a better listen.

Other then that it read very well and was nicely set up. Interesting story so far and enjoable.

I didn't understand the watch reference at the end of ch1 though. He never seemed to pay much attention to it in the first place.

regards
mood

Ho Loretta,
You have a talent for description, and the storyline is intriguing. It might be better if you get to the action a bit quicker in chapter 1, and the dialog could be opened up a bit to make it more real life. I know I'm being critical , but I hope constructive. I like your style and it's a great story. One las comment-in chapter 1 a paragraph has "Pressing out the 911 number on his cell phone ......." and in the next paragraph "As Robert dialled the emergency number ....."
It;s good so I'm backing it.
David (Flawless Murder)

The whole description of Robert's early morning jog along the coast, is carried in prose whic is itself brisk, energetic, sharp and in crisp sentences which both vividly evoke the unique moods of the early morning coastline and Robert's exhilaration in the run.
The manner of his discovery of the dead body - never over sensationalised as is the case in some crime thrillers - is so natural and entirely possible that I feel I'm discovering it myself - with all the attendant shock, and, more so, the mystery of why it's there.
When towards the end the anatomical damage is revealed, it is so clinically accurate and well detailed that it's impact is the more powerful and I have to read on to see how the mystery unfolds. Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

FOREVER AND NEVER:

Loretta,

I just love this. I feel I'm right there with Robert, every step of the way. (I'd feel happier if you called him Robert right from the first paragraph, instead of "he", as there is no reason to keep his identity a secret, and then we'd feel even more close to him. "It was early morning when Robert stepped outdoors." Yes!! We have our character, we have our place, we have our time . . .)

Slick dialogue that moves the story on and at the same time does a great job of characterisation.

This is vivid. This is cinematic stuff. Brilliant.

Backed.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

This is a great read. Your first chapter captures the reader and keeps him wanting more. Way to go.

Great start but much to accomplish to realize the full potential of this creative suspense thriller.

Excellent first chapter. I plan to keep this on my WL to be able to read more. I enthusiastically back this. It won't show up until tomorrow since my bookshelf is currently full. But I will move this up to "Backed" first thing in the morning.

Sasha/Smurphgirl
A Crack in the Mirror

an intersting and entertianing read, Loretta. I'm amazed that this is not higher in the rankings. Perhaps it just needs more promotion.

George Fripley

I live right by lighthouse point! You may want to consider making that first he the person's name. At first, and I don't know why, I thought this was first person and she was talking about some guy, but then I realized we were following the guy.
Here when you write: The brown pelicans flew over, their shadows moved over the water. That is two sentences, and you are using the comma like it is a soft period. You can change it to a semicolon, or you can make it two sentences or you can change moved to moving. Lot's of options there to fix that.
Dialogue punctuation, see this forum post:
http://www.authonomy.com/forum/Posts.aspx?threadId=48433#AnchorPostId1207235
He was uneasy running with the fish at his feed, afraid that the fish would jump up, he kept a wide birth.
That first comma is being used as a soft period. You can use a semicolon. Or you can write it this way:
He was uneasy running with the fish at his feed and, afraid that the fish would jump up, he kept a wide birth.
the and would go BEFORE the comma. look at the comma splice, if you delete that middle part (which is an added detail) you still have a complete sentence.
Be careful for too many similar sentence construction in a row, it reads awkward. in one sentence you have "Pressing out the 911 numbers on his cell phone pad, he..." "Concentrating on the open water, he...." "Looking back, he..." "Lifting the tarp an inch, he..."
And also check out the this article: (see number 2)
http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/10/marks-of-amateur-starting-list.html
when you say "found it exciting" consider showing the emotion instead of telling us.
this link is good about helping with that:
http://thebookshelfmuse.blogspot.com/
A1A and Dixie--I know exactly where that is! WOW.
IF he lives in fort lauderdale, how is he a long way from home at A1A and Dixie? That is IN fort lauderdale!
I recommend a site like www.critiquecircle.com for help improving your storytelling skills. The pace for this was pretty slow. Get to the discovery faster. Cut some of the small-talk. Focus more on the dead body and the character's emotions to finding it. Make sure that all your character's have original voices. This is off to a good start though. Good luck!
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

Well story runs well along with your character, if you know what i mean. I love running, i am jogging, to read it at the start of a well written book gives me the feeling as I am running. great thinknig. backed

shah

You have a marvelous opening chapter here. A regular guy coming upon this awful scene. You have it done pat. Well done.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

I liked how you opened the chapter with a very visual scene, and we know immediately who the heros are. Excellent stuff. Backed with pleasure, Sana

I am enjoying this. Fascinated by Alexandra and how she struggles her way through the situation while being held back by her weakness and character flaws which you might want to define a bit more in the pitch, as has already been mentioned. A honey moon couple evokes sentiment and nostalgia and provides a great premise for a story.
Happily backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

Dear Loretta Stacey,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I love running too, but your protagonist has it down to a science. You have a good description of the man-o’wars, and I think you could even have a few more words describing how dangerous they are. It would be extra exciting to run on a beach with those jellyfish lying about. I enjoyed these because I’m a runner. Most people will want to know what’s at stake sooner. If you mention the jellyfish at the start, you could get a few paragraphs of normalcy before we’d all want to see the body. That’s where your story really starts.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your long pitch even more exciting by fleshing out the details. You say Alexandra is a “weak person with character flaws”, and you’d draw me in better by saying how she’s weak. How she struggles when her husband’s life is on the line.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

I didn't know what to expect from this when i first read the pitch. Would it be action and adventure? Would it be a courtroom thriller? From the opening chapter I was intrigued as to where this was going, maybe a little unsure of it, then bam we get to the body, brilliantly described and you had me hooked. Rather than wondering whodunit, i was more interested to discover more of the corpse. Eitherway you descriptive powers had me backing this.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Forever and Never has a great beginning for a thriller, and pitch promises plenty of drama and adventure to come. This is a good read and should do well with your target audience, so I will back it.
However, IMHO a little polishing would make this even better. The opening would benefit from less on the running and getting to the corpse quicker to ratchet up the tension, and then I suggest focusing the subsequent dialogue on issues that help develop the storyline rather than on routine details. In later chapters too, try reading the dialogue out loud to see if you can give it a more neural and relaxed flow. Hope this helps.

Good beginning, promises to be a fabulous whodunnit on a cruise ship! Unfortunately I cannot read the whole thing, but I have read enough to back the book with no hesitation. Sheer entertainment, good details, and suspense...what more do we want on a Florida vacation?

To be honest, I'm waaaaay into YA, which is why I didn't read more, I think this could flow better if you cut out some of your "as" s and "was"s, a little more editing to make it sharper, and I would rethink the opening, you know how first impressions are, gotta be strong, engaging, captivating. But I think you're doing really great. Goodluck.

I like the way you have two separate prologues one with the body the other with the head. My only little nitpick with these is it is a little long. Will these characters come into the story later? Do we need to know so much about them or can they be small key characters discovering the body?

That being said I like your story idea and how you bring the lighter romance side of the story into chapter one with the wedding and the set up of the story to come.

Great descriptive writing with the right tone for my favourite blend of thriller and romance.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Good intro into the intrigue. Writing seems tight and polished. I enjoyed this. Backed.
Jenny

Hi Loretta, I'm enjoying this so far - intriguing, nicely put together. Backed. AnneX

Great writitng

Backed

Kev

Loretta
I only needed to read Ch 1. This is very polished, professional work. I love the description of the jellyfish as like ziploc sandwich bags. Apologies, it's your book! I wish you every success with it. It is brilliant.
Frank

Loretta, the setting on a cruise ship is very Agatha Christie and very appealing - I can see many people buying this before they go on holiday for that reason alone. They won't be disappointed when they start reading. It's everything we want from a murder mystery: a body at the beginning, good setting of scene and character and a sense of intrigue throughout. Shelved. Lynn

You had me at 'sticking a coke bottle into his anus' Ouch.
Great work here. I was a little surprised at the staccato style of writing but I settled into it quickly and just enjoyed it. I can't really point out anything I believe needs fixing at all so you will just have to settle
for my support :)

Haley Brite - Hart