Book Jacket

 

rank 1094
word count 31501
date submitted 13.12.2009
date updated 10.01.2012
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Breadwinners

Jan Hurst-Nicholson

When penniless immigrant Charles McGill seduces the unattractive daughter of a wealthy businessman their subsequent marriage leads to a bitter family rivalry spanning three generations.

 

An epic family saga set in South Africa.

It is 1924 and the fiery and volatile Charles McGill, a penniless immigrant, is devastated when he discovers that his friend, Lucas Connelly has become engaged to Addy Brody, the woman whom he hoped to marry himself. Charles drowns his sorrow in drink and seduces Hilde Richter, the unattractive daughter of a wealthy Durban businessman. When she finds she is pregnant, her father offers to set up Charles with his own bakery if he will marry her. Charles readily agrees, and unknown to Hilde the two men draw up a contract. It is the beginning of a bitter rivalry between Charles, Lucas, and Miles Davenport their former employer. The story spans a period of fifty years and leads us through the fortunes, joys and sorrows, successes and failures of the three families as they survive the depression, the war years and the isolation of South Africa.

The manuscript is complete, but only the first few chapters have been uploaded.

 
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tags

bakery, family saga, fiction, hate, historical, jealousy, period drama, rape, revenge, rivalry, romance, south africa, tragedy, war

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31 comments

 

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Andrew W. wrote 890 days ago

The Breadwinners

Hi Jan

At last an epic family saga, a tome of a book, we haven’t seen one of these for a while. You handle this subject matter very well and I have no nitpicks, I simply slid into the story and kept right on going. I loved the short, dialogue rich prologue, it sets the scene, piques our interest and then we plunge straight into the complex family machinery of this novel. Very well done, I kept reading and I kept enjoying, a proper story for adults.

Best wishes and good luck, happy to back this book.
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

TaniaJohansson wrote 43 days ago

Hi Jan,

What a wonderful start to this story. Your characterisation is strong and this draws the reader in. Each character feels individual and complete, as though you have a whole back story for each of them. I loved the SA setting (I am originally from SA).
Your writing is clean and I did not pick up on any spelling/grammar mistakes.

I think this holds great promise and I have starred it highly.

All the best,
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Spilota wrote 61 days ago

I came to look at this due to its ABNA success and was not disappointed. Only a chapter or so in and t reads as well as many other family sagas I've encountered in print. The SA setting s different and I ntend to read as much of this as you have posted. Well done!

Ruth2904 wrote 102 days ago

Wow, now this book is something to get my teeth in. From the brief description above there looks to be plenty happening. Have placed it in my watchlist for now until there's space on my bookshelf.

Maisie burrell wrote 363 days ago

Hi Jan,

A really enjoyable read.

Charles McGill is not a pleasant character and yet you write him in a way that gains my sympathy. The children feel like children rather than an adult point of view of them.

Of particular note:

Chapter 1 sets the scene well, and you convey a pretty despicable action in a sparse and no-fuss way that I found effective because of the limited description.

Chapter 7 - you do the same here. A chill ran through my body as I had a sense of foreboding, predicting what was about to happen. Urgh! I'm shuddering as I think of it.

For me, this is really clever writing, to be able to evoke an emotional response in the reader, leaving more to the imagination than you tell.

My only 'complaint' would be that I don't find Hilde a sympathetic character and I would like to feel compassion for her.

This is consistently well-written and a gripping tale. I would not have believed bread-making could make such an interesting read. Historically, it is a story that I haven't been told before so this adds interest.

Best Wishes,
Maisie

Nigel Fields wrote 488 days ago

Jan,
A premise to be welcomed in the world of fiction. Some nice turns of phrase with good character development.
I'm a loyal old thing with my bookshelf--books circulate slowly. but I am starring this and placing it on my WL.
Cheers!
JBCampbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Tom Balderston wrote 558 days ago

Keep it in the family.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Lara wrote 564 days ago

I've had this on my WL a week. It's horribly convincing. An opening which augurs the size and extent of a novel and its heart will always entice me. I am sure this would be a worthy book to have on the bookshelves at home and to recommend to others. I can't shelve at present but I can review and star. So congratulations on very good writing.
Lara
Good for HIm

plip wrote 567 days ago

Since your writing in general is more professional than my own, there is little constructive criticism I can offer, apart from nit-picking. Here are some minor nits - hope you find some of these comments useful.
Ch 2 -1/6 to 1/4d per lb is an increase, not a reduction in price - earlier a price of 1/8p per lb had been cited as high for, I think, Dundee cake, by Charles the competition.
Ch 3 -'contract to leave on for the mailships;' - semi colon not required here, better phrase might be 'contract with (xxx company name or ship name) due to sail on (date)' - perhaps give sailing date rather than signing date - so 'two weeks before' instead of 'one week after'
It does seem unlikely to me that her husband would think Nancy unable to handle money - this is out of character with her job as manager, presumably involving quite a bit of accounting, banking, etc.
Ch 4 Surely Addy and Mrs Brody would be used to working together, to her left-handedness, since Addy would have learnt all her housekeeping etc from her mother?
Ch 6 'drowned in a surfing accident' - not sure that surfing was a known activity in the S.A. of this era - swimming of course was.
Read to end of Ch 6 so far.
phil

Francene Stanley wrote 570 days ago

You write well. The beginning draws the reader to explore further. The plot is complex and full of conflict, love and hate--every ingredient needed for a good story.

I would recommend changing some of your sentence structure to avoid the use of 'was', a bugbear of mine. For instance:
As he was leaving, Hilde was coming out of her bedroom...
You could change this so many ways to improve the writing.
What about:
About to leave, he passed Hilde coming out of her bedroom...

Good luck with your endevours.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

David Garland wrote 570 days ago

Excellent, interesting and factual. Congratulations.

Walden Carrington wrote 581 days ago

Jan,
You have an epic and melodramatic plot outlined in your synopsis. It's like you' ve turned a soap opera into prose. There are enough twists and turns to the plot to keep readers of The Breadwinners in suspense. Backed with pleasure.

Katy Christie wrote 600 days ago

What a great start to this family saga! I particularly liked the reference to the similarity of Hilde's breasts and bread dough :) (I guess it's not called the breadwinners for nothing!) You write well; the pace is good and the dialogue naturIal. I wish I had the time to delve more deeply into it but am off travelling again tomorrow and only had time for one chapter. However, it is an excellent beginning and I'm very happy to back it.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

Lizilev wrote 604 days ago

I have just finished reading The Breadwinners and must compliment you on a really well-written book. You have a interesting descriptive style that flows easily. Your characters and dialogue are both natural and you give enough detail to feel that you know the families concerned. You also set the period very clearly - I love the chenille tablecloth, my grandmother had one that she was very proud of. Are you going to upload more onto the site so that we can continue with the story? I am happy to back you.
Lizilev

andrew skaife wrote 605 days ago

Those who write historical fiction open themselves up on extra fronts and desevrve admiration. This work also deserves backing

BACKED

Pamela Wootton wrote 606 days ago

Hello Jan, this is a book I can see myself picking up and buying from a book store, firstly because of the cover and pitch and second for the story line which I think is spot on. I like family sagas as much as I like crime-thrillers and yours is very well written indeed. Maybe you have already guessed that I am not one for a long comment but I assure you that I know a well written book from an average one and yours is one of the best I have seen altely. You are very good with describtion which makes one feel part of the story. Backed of course by me.
My regards,
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

Eveleen wrote 658 days ago

The breadwinners
Backed
Lenny Harry
(Like dot on the horizon)

BigSimon wrote 697 days ago

As the third of your listed books, I fear THE BREADWINNERS is not getting the attention it deserves. I knew from the scene you posted on the forum that the writing would be good and I certainly wasn't disappointed.
I think this story has much to commend it, though in an environment abounding with fast action, blood and guts, slower paced literary works such as this may get overlooked.

Having read the first 4 chapters, and thoroughly enjoyed them, I think you have the makings of a great story. I wonder only whether more could be made of some of the more significant transitions in the plot. I suppose that with half a century to span, there needs to be a certain amount of fast-forwarding but some of the key milestones seem to be lost in the rear-view mirror almost before they have registered with the reader. Then again, this may just be me since this is not a genre with which I am particularly familiar.
In any case, I wish you the very best with this fine novel.

Simon, CONNECTED.

Hypo99 wrote 733 days ago

Hi Jan and how are you? Good pitch, good writing and from what I have read so far, I loved. I'm not the greatest at comments, but just to say, I have read and will read more, honest.

Congratulations on this Jan.

Hope you get the chance to take a little peek at The Russian Hat.

Sincerly
Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

A. Zoomer wrote 751 days ago

I liked the first line. I loved the pitch and I had an attitude as a result when I came to Charles. These people seem real to me and they live i a well described situation. Excellent writing.
Backed with enthusiasm.
Keep writing.
A zoomer
GOING OUT IN STYLE

Bubbity wrote 783 days ago

Jan
Well-plotted historical novel with a real grabber of a first line in Chapter One. There was good conflict and I particularly liked your descriptions in the bakery. There was sometimes a tendency for unneccessary use of adverbs and other words eg 'It stuck clammily to his back'. One of those words would be sufficient. Another example is 'did not dispel the red mist of anger'. Here we don't need 'of anger' since 'red mist' says it all. I hope this is helpful and wish you all the very best with this.
Backed
Kate (Little Guide to Unhip)
PS - great cover too!

klouholmes wrote 877 days ago

Hi Jan, Much atmosphere here and I could get a feel for the setting during the story. It moves keenly and gives so much sense of character, Charles and Lucas anyway. You’ve kept Hilde and Addy’s perspective at length but that keeps one reading. The rivalry is interesting; the title really captures this conflict. I enjoyed the details and could become involved in this lush scenario – Shelved Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Betty K wrote 881 days ago

I love a good family saga. Once again you show what a masterful writer you are. There's nothing I could say about this book except it is superb writing. And I am completely happy to see the odd adverb. In my humble opinion they add to the verb quite nicely. I'll be darned. Maybe that's how they got their name!!! ;-0

Happy to put this on my shelf.

Betty K "The Huguenot's Destiny"

Francis Albert McGrath wrote 884 days ago

You need to break your pitch into smaller paragraphs, the second, I suggest, beginning with "Charles.." the third with "The story..." This is a gripping story, reminiscent of Jeffrey Archer and Catherine Cookson, but better written. Characters, dialogue, scene-painting are all excellent. I wish you every success with it. Shelved.
Frank

Suzanne Adams wrote 885 days ago

Luv the cover. Unique title. And the pitch works very well. But then I see that you are a seasoned writer!
This has wonderful appeal to those who can't get enough of the family saga genre - it's a massive readership!
This work should stand a good chance and I think maybe you should look at doing a screenplay as it's the required stuff of TV serial drama with a plus - perceived exotic location!

writingwildly wrote 886 days ago

I like your style. I like its gritty reality, the weakness of the wronged man, the gratitude of Hilde, then your quick step into their lives. You have an excellent gift for description.
Since you have such a gift, I would like to suggest that you believe in it more. You don't need a great deal of those adjectives and/or adverbs that are scattered so freely around the story. In particular, the story is just brimming with -ly words, which are, for the most case, unnecessary. I always mention my favourite writing book, "The First Five Pages", in which the teacher suggests that we delete every single descriptive word from our first page (and chapter), then only insert those which are absolutely necessary.
In which case, this review would lose: gritty, wronged, quick, great, freely, favourite, every single, first, absolutely. And I don't think any of them would be missed. Less is more. Your reader will be more easily captured by your prose if you don't overdo it.
Usually I don't back stories unless they're ready for the ED. I'm going to make an exception here, because it was very, very close!
backed
- Genevieve
Under The Same Sky
p.s. I'd love to hear what you think of my book sometime.

Cait wrote 886 days ago

The Breadwinners:

Jan, this is a book I’d like to have on my lap, to read it without everyday interruptions, and after Christmas I shall return to read more.

…golden blonde hair… - golden blond hair. Okay with the ‘e’ for female blonde.
Should brilliantine have a capital B? Not sure.
No woman deserved to be treated so roughly the first time. – Does he think women should be treated roughly every other time they have sex?

Great writing. Great story.

Making a spot on my shelf for this, now.

All the best,

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Mairi Graham wrote 888 days ago

A grim beginning, beautifully told. It has the sharp, declarative, 'masculine' style I associate with Hemmingway and Richard Ford. Good luck with it.

Marko wrote 889 days ago

'The Breadwinners' has all the trappings of a classic, family saga, in the style of the American author - Thomas Wolfe (Look Homeward Angel, etc).

Backed. Good luck with it.

Marko (Brief Encounters)

Andrew W. wrote 890 days ago

The Breadwinners

Hi Jan

At last an epic family saga, a tome of a book, we haven’t seen one of these for a while. You handle this subject matter very well and I have no nitpicks, I simply slid into the story and kept right on going. I loved the short, dialogue rich prologue, it sets the scene, piques our interest and then we plunge straight into the complex family machinery of this novel. Very well done, I kept reading and I kept enjoying, a proper story for adults.

Best wishes and good luck, happy to back this book.
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

daydreaming wrote 890 days ago

This is very polished writing. I like the leisurely way the characters are described and introduced to the reader. I know nothing about S.A. in those days but your description comes over very well. What is intriguing is the industry that has been selected for the basis of the story. A good read.

LittleDevil wrote 890 days ago

Nice writing Jan. Sorry nothing critical to say about this. Just a damn good read.
Best wishes
Sue
A Boy Called George.

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