The Door

The Door.
By Ella Mac.

Really love the story and I’m approaching an interesting part of it.
I intend to get back to it again to find out more.
What you need to do is read carefully through it and edit as you go along.
There are many punctuation errors especially in written speech – missing comma’s, full stops, Capital letters etc.
Then there are some simple mistakes such as below:-
Please accept them as trying to be helpful, not critical in any way...I like your book!

...After opening and closing her eyes Crisy gave up on (here) nap and was... Her.
...Thanks to Naoki and the internet they learned the (does) and don’t of bathing...Do’s.
...Kathrin never (fallowed) this rule... Followed.
...”Bye mom” she paused before she went out the door... “Bye, Mom.” She paused before she went out the door.
...There was a sharp pain that hit her out of (know where)in her head...Nowhere.
...He was at first surprised to see a foreigner and even more so when she spoke to him in Japanese...
I don’t think he would have known she was foreign by her looks alone but would do after she spoke in broken Japanese.
...A couple (minuets) went by and to Crisy’s surprise.. . A couple of minutes went by and to Crisy’s surprise.
I’ve rated your book high because it’s a very good storyline and could do very well if polished up.
Will get back later, to read more.

Best regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

what an intriguing story!! very imaginative, though i agree with the previous comments that you should expand more on the family dynamics. for example she seems to get along well with her dad so why does her dad not want to take care of her. maybe seeing as you are writhing in third person unlimited you could go into her mothers mind a bit more. have her think about her past, or why she doesn’t like the main character. another thing you could expand on some is the main characters response to what goes on around her. there are few spelling errors for example you used quit instead of quiet, but i am sure if you reread it you could find then quite easily. overall this story is very polished and well written, i hope to soon be able to read more!!

Wow, this is a really interesting read so far, the whole book could be about moving to japan and stand well as a book so I'm really interested to see where this is going (I'm only up to the part about announcing the divorce). I do think the relationship between the parents and their relationship with crisy could be explored a little more before the news is broken as sending your child to live with a grandparent is a massive and unusual decision that seems to have relatively little back story... But I'm still reading and may find myself withdrawing that comment as I go! Lovely writing style, good pacing and I'm looking forward to reading more :-) G

Interesting story. Not sure but i din't notice her age. Sad she is left in coach by herself. anyhow have rated and will try and get back to it.
Red

Hi Ella,

I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Good start. No wonder Ella's nervous. Going to Japan will be a huge life change. Crisy seems like a real bookworm. I'm on her side already ;). She's got an unusual common sense about her too for a girl her age. Why wear good clothes to fall asleep in, indeed? I agree with her completely. ;)

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, some of your dialogue would read even better if it were loosened off a little. eg I think " "What is taking so long?" " sounds a little stiff and formal. I think something like " "What's taking so long?" " would sounds more real.

Reading on... Her mum's really embarrassing, isn't she? I feel sorry for Crisy. I did almost laugh at "fat person in a candy store", though. So I guess I can't complain about her too much. She is a fun character to read. I just wouldn't want to live with her. ;)

I've another tiny suggestion on dialogue here. I don't think you need beats and speech tags simultaneously. eg in "You can make new friends," he said as he ruffed up her head..." we know who's speaking from the action. I think just " "You can make new friends." He ruffed up her head...” would work fine and use fewer words. ;)

Reading on... Poor Crisy. Did she really have no friends at her old home? I hope she's just exaggerating. On the plane, Kathrin starts complaining again. I wonder, why did Dallin ever marry her? I gasped when she tells Crisy she should smarten up and get a boyfriend. Has this woman never even heard of tact? I'm not surprised Crisy and her dad get fed up. I almost cheered when dad stood up for Crisy. At least there's 1 parent who seems rational. I like him.

I was amazed and impressed when Crisy offered her seat in the plane to the old woman. Unusually kind for somebody her age. The old woman was obviously just as astonished as me. Even the horrible new seat she ends up in doesn't dim her spirits. When they're coming in to land, things are looking happier. Crisy seems to like what she sees of Tokyo.

Chapter 2: I laughed when her mum got in the driver's seat. The mistake serves her right for her pushiness ;). Cunning plan of the dad's to not live too central. The mum could spend a hell of a lot of money if she got going in Tokyo. The house they eventually get to seems to be good to Crisy, but the mum's plainly v unimpressed. The house does seem small, to be fair. Then again, Tokyo's v expensive, so that's only to be expected.

Wow I can't believe it took them 3 days to unpack. They must have had a lot of stuff! Crisy's new uniform sounds erm ... embarrassing. I can see why she didn't like it.

Uh oh, looks like she's soon lost, and her map's gone. What will she do? Phew a nice old couple told her where to go. When she gets to the school, the stern woman's really mean. But Seiko seems v nice. Maybe things won't be so bad here after all. Keiko's tour was so abrupt I blinked. Was she being nasty on purpose? I'm not sure. Hmmm interesting change that the teachers come to the kids. It's all the odd little details like that which probably make Crisy feel out of place.

I've a little suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more vivid if you wrote in a more direct way. eg "She gave Crisy a soft pat on the back..." feels a little roundabout+ disconnected. I think something like "She patted Crisy on the back..." would be more direct and immediate. :)

Reading on... The other kids discussed her in v frank terms. I'm not sure if they meant to be nasty, or if they were just being brutally honest. Either way, it can't have been fun hearing herself talked about in that way. Kids can b v cruel, even if they don't realise they are being so :(. After all that, I'm not surprised she's worried about fitting in. Back in class, the kids start tormenting her. I really feel sorry for Crisy. She doesn't deserve all this :(. I'm almost as relieved as she is when it's all over.

The bit with the umbrella and the weather's really weird. How could they all know in advance exactly what the weather will be on a given day? Hmmm I wonder if there's some magical force at work here. Her trip home's no fun at all. She really is having a bad day, isn't she? The old woman was v kind to her, thankfully. And her name's Kate. How odd. I wonder where she comes from. + she seems to know some secret about there weather. Intriguing. And Kate seems willing for Crisy to come back. I hope she does. I want to learn more about this mysterious old woman.

During the next 7 months, I can't believe Crisy has to tidy up after her parents the whole time. I feel sorry for her. I sort of expected that from her mum. but I thought her dad would be better :(. Hmmm looks like crisy's not the only 1 being treated badly. Keiko's being bullied into doing the work of others. I liked the description of Midi: "ugly as a pig in a hot summer's sun." V fitting, given her nastiness. ;)

I'm not surprised Crisy didn't say anything when she got the chance. What difference would it have made? They'd probably just have ended up bullying her too :(.

At the end of school, things do look a bit happier. Her mum even makes dinner! Uh oh... bad news, though. Both her parents are leaving, and they want her to stay with her grandmother. Are they splitting up, I wonder? Is this their way of breaking the news gently? Ah ... by the end of the chapter it looks like that's exactly what's happening. Her parents are getting a divorce. :(

Chapter 3: Poor Crisy. She shouldn't blame herself. the divorce isn't her fault. No wonder she goes to see Kate. She was the only adult who was really kind to her. Hmmm but where is Kate? Something seems odd at her place. What's this strange black-painted door? ...

When she goes through the door, everything changes. Different surroundings, and even her dress has changed! What happened? Has she gone back in time? This doesn't seem like the world she left. I'd think it was a dream, but it all seems too real. The big shock comes when she bumps into a giant talking cat, though. I didn't expect that! Ah and there's a name for this strange place too. Track town.

She soon gets dragged off to be the cleaning lady at the corner hotel. Poor Crisy. Can't she ever rest? The hotel sounds amazing, though. I'd love to see all those talking animals, in suits and dresses. It must be the strangest sight ever.

Who's the handsome young man she meets, though? V strange. I thought everybody here was an animal. Crisy seems v impressed by this man. I think she has a huge crush on him.

Uh oh somebody starts following her after she buys the lace. Ominous. A snake man. And 2 alligators. They jump her. What can she do? They're dragging her off. They might even kill her! But then somebody seems to save her. There’s a nice voice. Phew. I think she'll be OK now...

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with magic and mystery. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you evoke such a sense of place. I think you really must have been in Japan. There are so many details that make the scenes there feel v real. At the end of what I read, I wanted to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. What will happen to Crisy? What is this strange, magical world she’s in? Will she ever escape?

I've rated your book with as many stars as possible, and hope you manage to get it published. I think children would enjoy reading such a fantastical story. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Hi There,
I've only read the first chapter as that's all I had time for, but I liked it so far and have added it to my watchlist to read some more. I really liked how within the first few paragraphs you instantly get a feel of exactly the kind of people her parents are.
I will read some more when I get a chance.

Lucy

Burning Angel

Great story, real polished writing I'll rate with three stars.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

This is excellent, I love the opening, can't help feeling sorry for Chrisy, being uprooted and going to a completely foreign country where she doesn't speak the language it would have made me want to shrivel up and die. I love the pace and also how insensitive the character of the mother is, quite, what's the word, tactless, saying her daughter's an embarrasment to be with, ouch! Excellent writing and dialogue, backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

I like the quote you've used as your short pitch, but you may wish to change it to a brief summary of what the book is about as that will pull in more readers. The long pitch works very well, and in spite of a few typos, the book is very engaging. Crisy certainly doesn't have an easy life but as the story unfolds and the fantasy elements take hold it's clear there's a great deal to come from this book. You need a strong edit to sort out the typos and some grammar issues, but there's so much potential here. Backed for that potential.
Jared.

Crisy is sure having a bad time of it, poor darling...you make me care about the character, sure sign of writing talent.

the blend of sci-fi and fantasy is good. The work needs an edit as does mine and we all have to walk that road...sigh!
I think you most certainly have the talent to do very well indeed. I wish you all the very best on your journey.
Suzannah Burke
Dudes Down Under

updated 23/03/10. I don't understand why this has a red arrow...i have backed it again.

Hi Ella
I enjoyed this. - Shelved

It needs a lot of work though, lots of silly typo's 'know' instead of 'no' 'ever where' instead of 'everywhere', that sort of thing. I don't have the time right now to type them out but I'm sure some of the commentors will.

I think you need more of a lead in to the magic door in #3. You need to put in hooks to lead the reader on. I must admit I'm not sure why you took us to Japan in the first place as you could have set the story anywhere. That said, I like your writing and the characters you create.

All the best with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Ella Mac,
Your “The Door” begins with a family at the Portland, OR airport departing for Tokyo via California. Daughter Chrisy reads like a young teen being forced to move overseas with her parents, Kathrin and Dallin. My, my – Kathrin reads like the Wicked Stepmother from Cinderella – she’s so ditzy and narcissistic. While I suspect this treatment could appeal to teenage girls who are at odds with their mothers, other readers will find her too stereotypical, seeming very much like a younger second wife who resents her older husband’s child. Is she truly Chrisy’s biological mother? If so, I suggest you give her a softer edge.

Chrisy is sympathetic as she volunteers to give her first class seat to a Japanese grandmother. And she must be very smart to have learned even basic Japanese prior to leaving for Japan. As she reads Emily Dickinson and cries over not making friends, she’s clearly a special girl and readers will be rooting for her by the end of Chapter One.

Other reviewers have noted the typos in spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Do take their advice to carefully edit, as those problems are very distracting from your interesting, character driven opening. I’ll move this to my bookshelf.
Mary

Hi Ella

I like your characters and the opening to the story. You quite clearly introduce the plot and characters very well. There are some typo's (which I know I have in my book too!) but these can be easily rectified, what you do have is great story-telling ability and I think this could do well. Good luck with it.

Best Wishes

Anna

A different story. Wondering if some of the 'was' sentences can be parred down? was looking--looked was sitting---sat ?
Just bringing that to your attention the past tense passiveness did effect your fluidity of the plot.
There is a need for an edit for Punctuation. Notably when it came to dialogue.
I do like the plot here and the central character of Crisy. This screams of potential. Really enjoy the setting of Tokyo, I have a cousin who lives there. This does move from the US to Japan and back to the US again. not too sure what that is about, or if it was needed. This story is a character driven piece and I think you have Crisy down.
Backed for potential.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Exciting, original adventure story.
on my shelf. No obvious quibbles.
best wishes with it............Mikey

This makes ME want to go to the door! What a way to put a book together. The YA crowd will eat up something like this book. On my shelf, so others may discover it too!

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Good pitch, nice writing. Backed.

The Door

Hi Ella,

Interesting idea, not sure however that you have started it at the right place, do we have to start all the way back in the US travelling to Japan. You have some interesting and personality driven characters in your story, they demand our attention but I think they still need work. Crisy’s response to her Mum’s insults would surely be more profound. Her Mum is a dreadful woman, that is clear but she seems at the moment more of a caricature of a person than a real, three dimensional human. I think you need to work on softening her a little, giving her at least some redeeming features… Divorce is clearly going to be the outcome from just that little scene in the airport.

I wanted to get to the door sooner, and so, I suspect will your YA readership. Interesting idea but it needs kicking around and working on, particularly characterization. Crisy has been shaped by being around these people, she seems at present impervious to them. I am supporting your book because the perennial notion of stepping through a doorway into another world is a strong one in YA fiction and once you have developed both character and writing you are most certainly onto something.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

You have lots of typos and spelling/grammar mistakes, even in the pitch and on your bio page, let alone in the main text, and this will frustrate many readers, so it's important that you ask someone to do a thorough proof-read for you - other people spot errors easier than we spot our own. The Japanese manga culture is well-explored here, and I think the subject matter will go down very well with a YA audience. Maybe it might even encourage some kids to pick up a book for the first time, just as you did, with your mother's encouragment, and discover a whole new world in literature. I'm happy to back this to encourage your writing. Well done. Best wishes, Tony.

Dear Ella,

Liked you crisp pitch. The dialogue moves this endearing story along well. It gets better from chapter to chapter. Polishing it needs, yes, but to get the story out is vital and you're well on your way. And it's telling that I wasn't distracted, so the heart of the story speaks.
Backed

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

I haven't had a chance to read it all but I like what I'e read so far. For me what I'm reading here is like I'm watching a Manga movie lol, something like The Cat Returns or something along those lines. I like how you've used your own personal experiences in you book, they make the characters feel real and that's important. Next time we get together we'll need to go through and spell check, it's easier to do when I'm there in person :). You're on my book shelf, don't forget to back other peoples books to get them to look at yours and try adding some friends to your list.

Much love

L. Gregory

hi ella, I like the story very much. Your sense of mixing one reality with another is delicious and I feel you have achieved a beautiful fusion of a culturally specific (Japanese) world with the generic horizon of (Western) symbols. The transition is abrupt yet believable, with the plunge into darkness as the perfect catalyst to initiate transformation. Your story is reminiscent of some concepts in 'How's Castle' (a brilliant film), although your imagery is very different. I just LOVE the cleaning thread.
I should like to make a suggestion : In the beginning of ch3 you could lose the two paragraphs of explanation why Chrisy's mother is leaving or where she's going. We understand the score, - she's no mother and this has obviously been going on for a long time. You could start with Chrisy crying and then skip to where she is watching her mother take the cases downstairs.
I find your writing style very accomplished with a sense of tension rising slowly to the point of certain, sudden discharge. Disconcerting, but incredibly real. The pictures you paint are atmospheric and give a glimpse into the unexplored parts of the mind as well as tell a lonely story which then, in defiance, turns into a true firework-display. If this is your first novel then you're a natural, as this flows beautifully. I should want to see how this develops. Backed and shelved.

Hi Ella,

I just read your pitches and looked at your chapters.

Good luck with this novel. I'm happy to back it.

Rodney

Hi Ella, you've the beginnings of a good idea here, but you need to keep an eye on how you craft the story.
Everything you put in should have a bearing on the whole.
In Chapter 1 Crisy goes from US to Japan, by the end of Chapter 2 she's back in the US. There doesn't seem to be any reason for the Japanese interlude, she doesn't take any influences away. I was left bemused, you'd taken me on a long journey, talked a lot about the new culture the characters were being thrust into and then I was whisked back West.