The Brass Bring Down

An interesting and pacy thriller, with plenty of action to keep the reader's attention. The author's writing is better than the extract from the published prologue he uses for scene-setting before his own chapter one !

Each chapters is introduced by an apt and relevant quotation from the Bible. Screwed-up trolls on this site might do well to take heed of the quotation that precedes chapter 6.

The first paragraph of ch. 1 is set in the African bush and the author effectively uses small but telling detail to introduce aspects of Rossi's character, e.g. determination/coolness/concentration, in spite of the heat/flies.
The author clears knows (and I suspect respects) the terrain he describes, and is not afraid to tell it as it is (in relation to animal hunting/poaching).

I was impressed too, by his ability to pick up and reflect South African speech cadence and patterns (very similar to broad Yorkshire in parts, i.e. '...right royal scoundrel').

The author's interest in, and attention to detail occasionally leads him to deviate from the action to describe, in a reportage way, things that might best be introduced through his excellent dialogue, or by other narrative devices.

There were four paragraphs in a row in ch. 2 that started with 'He'. As this can easily happen when a writer is absorbed and in full writing flight, we get a sense of the pace of the writing at this point.

Overall though: definitely worth reading.

HUGE BOOK! Lol, can't wait to dig in after some of what I've scanned!

The Brass Bring Down.
By Ken E. Mayring.

This is a taut thriller…excellent description and voice…twists and turns throughout.
Couldn’t get my head round the killing of beautiful animals though. Put me off a bit in parts.
But that doesn’t take away the fact that this is very well written and a lot more to it than that.
It’s fast paced and a compelling read once started and hard to put down.
I’ve had to stop at chapter six due to other commitments (weekly shop)…you know how it is.
But I intend to read more of your exciting book later.
You seem to have a problem with commas missing before a person’s name in speech.
There are lots of them…nothing much, but it will tighten your book up if you put them right.
e.g.
‘Both bags sir?’ he enquired. (Comma after bags)
‘Thanks Gouws…’ (Comma after Thanks)
‘Well thanks again Piet, maybe… (Comma after again).

Enjoyed what I’ve read so far. I’ve star rated it accordingly…Very high.
Well done, Ken!!

Thanks for backing my book, really appreciated.

Kind regards,

Neville Kent. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Thanks Neville, I appreciate the editing tips. We're too often too close to our own work to pick things up. Ken

The Brass Bring Down.
By Ken E. Mayring.

This is a taut thriller…excellent description and voice…twists and turns throughout.
Couldn’t get my head round the killing of beautiful animals though. Put me off a bit in parts.
But that doesn’t take away the fact that this is very well written and a lot more to it than that.
It’s fast paced and a compelling read once started and hard to put down.
I’ve had to stop at chapter six due to other commitments (weekly shop)…you know how it is.
But I intend to read more of your exciting book later.
You seem to have a problem with commas missing before a person’s name in speech.
There are lots of them…nothing much, but it will tighten your book up if you put them right.
e.g.
‘Both bags sir?’ he enquired. (Comma after bags)
‘Thanks Gouws…’ (Comma after Thanks)
‘Well thanks again Piet, maybe… (Comma after again).

Enjoyed what I’ve read so far. I’ve star rated it accordingly…Very high.
Well done, Ken!!

Thanks for backing my book, really appreciated.

Kind regards,

Neville Kent. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Ken,
I read your first 4 ch's. Ch1 certainly caught my interest, with the South African background and detail regarding the breeding/hunting of lions. This also served to illustrate Rossi's skewed morality as he takes pleasure in shooting the captured beast. Ch 2 The demise of his 3 colleagues, therefore comes as no surprise, but is ruthlessly planned and delivered...a cool customer indeed. I liked Jason and the brief interaction with the cop on his return home told us a great deal about him in relatively few words...good. There was a lot of detail throughout, which whilst being useful in showing Rossi's meticulous nature, caused me to skim a little to get to the action. Ch 4 was essentially backstory, was this from the first book? looks like that too would be a good read, but I wonder if it was necessary to disrupt the flow of this story with so much. Perhaps as I read on the relevance will become more obvious.
I enjoyed this Ken, an intelligent thriller with some great characters and a number of interlocking plot lines.

Babs

whatever your story is about doesn't matter, your writing so good- brilliant opening chapter with excellent descriptive narrative, and dialogue as a bonus. l can't help but think of Hemmingway; l'm a little jealous, and l'm so glad that l can only give you 6 stars******
watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

HI Ken, I'm a big fan of Wilbur Smith, and I can't remember the others, but I love books set in South Africa, filled with lions and people speaking afrikaans. Good work. Looks like a great story, and you have started it well! Thank you for sharing, and I have starred you! :)

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. A credible main character. Good descriptions. Not a lot of tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... he felt the harsh African sun beating down on the back of his neck.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the heat on Michael's neck so vividly that the reader will experience it along with Michael. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'he felt' will be implied.
2) Hyphenate 'wide brimmed.'
3) 'Ja, he's a beaut alright' Louw replied. Comma after 'alright.' 'He replied' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follow dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation). There are more cases of dialogue missing punctuation when a comma is appropriate,
4) 'Elias! Joseph! Kom hier.' Louw called. Comma after 'hier.' 'Louw called' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation.) There are more cases of dialogue followed by a dialogue tag being punctuated with a period when a comma is appropriate.
5) 'Better that way,' nodded Rossi. You can't 'nod' dialogue, so 'nodded Rossi' should be 'Rossi nodded.'
6) ' ... which was had also been stashed behind the seat.' Remove 'was.'
7) 'Ja, whatever,' Louw chuckled. Period after 'whatever.' The only time the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a comma is when it is followed by a dialogue tag. Since you can't 'chuckle' dialogue, 'Louw chuckle' can't be considered a dialogue tag. As a result, the final dialogue sentence should be punctuated with a period.
8) Hyphenate 'tree lined.'
9) 'This's good man'. he said. Comma after 'good.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Also, the first period should be a comma and it should go inside the closing quote mark.

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you reshuffle you bookshelf at the end of the month?

Have a splendid day.

Al

Ken,
Look what I found...
written 376 days ago
Ken,
just finished chapter one. A lot going on for an opening chapter. The scenes are set and the action although matter of factly told are somewhat disturbing yet also enticing.
I know the hunting goes on like you wrote and I hate it. However the way of writing it without much emotion gives it strength. (end of soapbox crit)
Your main character Rossi is well constructed and written. The glimpses of South Africa and her people are written by someone who knows them well. (have friends from there)
Although not in my usual reading it has grabbed me.

This time round have added some stars!
:)
Diane

Only read the first chapter as this isn't the kind of novel I'd normally read, but I couldn't fail to be impressed with your use of language and pacing of the story. It kept me interested throughout and conveyed the scenes with a fine balance of detail and efficiency of words.

My only criticism, if this even is a criticism, is that your writing should come first as it is far superior to Gareth Patterson's. I understand why you put his work as an introduction, and I appreciate they are reflections of the same event, but I struggled through his opening before sailing through yours.

This won't need good luck, but you have my offerings anyway.

The Brass Bring Down.

Ch.1. A heart-wrenching opening to your story. I wonder if it is wise to start with a scene which evokes such unpopular memories and feelings of guilt? It might put off some readers. But your style of writing is easy to read, and you take the reader right to the core of your story.

Ch.2. Would it be better to make this chapter 1, and then compound Rossi's bestiality later with the hunting scene? Take care not to repeat words too often within a paragraph - the porter.
A clinical execution. I dont like Rossi, and I'm looking forward to meeting more pleasant characters.

Ch.3. The first person ... perhaps this is our hero at last. I enjoy riding the roads of Cape Town, and being taken back to a life of win ing and dining beneath Table Mountain, but the pace has slowed considerably while I reminisce. Oh no it hasnt. You've left a definite hook at the end of this chapter.

Ch. 4. Yet another character is introduced, and we are taken back through the story of Theresa's kidnap. The use of the pluperfect tense makes the writing rather cumbersome, spoiling the flow. More violence and killings, but you paint a vivid picture of life and death in Cape Town.

For me, your story needs to flow better. The chapter jumps from character to character dont allow room for getting to know, or empathise with any of them, so interest wanes. I dont know what to suggest, other than perhaps altering the order of the chapters, allowing more space for each character, and ensuring the reader can identify with somebody more likeable from the beginning.

Hope this helps.
Jane. (Breath of Africa).

Hi Ken,
when I read your pitch I thought, Wilbur Smith. How wrong can one be? I apologise profusely. You have produced a tight, well paced drama which picks the reader up and sweeps them along.
Your writing style is very good and, for the most part, very well edited. I like the way you use language, Afrikaans, English, (LION?). It all makes for a very good book.
The Brass Bringdown is on my WL and I will back it as soon as i have room on my shelf.

Phil

writer of Danny Murphy.

I found portions of this quite disturbing but we watch animals killed on Tv without a thuht some how reading it makes it all the more poinient. I think chapter five tore at the heartstring as the poor Elephant heavy with calf is followed by his tormentors only to die in Agony. I like the charachter of Rossi and will read more about him when time permits. You havea skill at making thinks feel very real and the premise of this covers a multitude of mans sins.
sue
Knowing Liam Riley

' The Brass Bring Down '
This well written and compelling novel deserves publication. The dialogue, main characters and supporting characters are all strong. I was engrossed in this gripping read and your vivid imagination and clear talent for putting it into words.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark'

Hi Ken, thank you for backing LONDON. You've painted an enjoyable read.

many blessings,
jim

The Brass Bring Down

Ken E. Mayring

Finally had the time to look at this Ken. Good plot with a credible MC, lots of intrigue and suspense for a thriller and I found the writing very engaging and easy to read. Also loved the settings. Hope it will do well and all the best in finding a publisher.

Hi Ken, I backed and starred your book. How could I not since your opening, involving a canned hunt is the subject of my opening in COLD MOON RISING, although we have very different books.

I like your style of writing, and of course, your subject matter and thought your book deserved to be backed.
I shall continue to read it. How refreshing to find a book I actually enjoy reading.

Dear Ken, You obviously know your stuff, descriptive text of different places, [I've been to Cape town, loads], and I think your crossover of your characters with different connections, is a very professional piece of writing. My Father loves your book too. Got to chapter four, and I'm backing it because I want to read on. Thanks Ken, for everything. Good luck for the future, and take care friend. Cicuta, [Carl, Arcane].

Hi Ken- I enjoyed the opening Chapter of The Brass bring Down and have backed it. I like your attention to detail and your intriguing characters.Best of luck with it.HP

This is good story writing. I particularly admire the opening and the lion image that carries through to Chapter One. I back with pleasure

Hello Ken,
I enjoyed this. The genre suits me and this certainly bodes a great thriller. I think it is very well written, you have a smooth style which quickly involves and maintains the reader’s interest. But it might also be worth looking at some word editing/deletion to help speed up the story. Others have made suggestions, but even in Chapter 3, paragraphs 3 and 4, both start with ‘felt’ in the first sentence.
I too was slightly confused by the beginning. I liked it, but I wasn’t too sure what it added to the plot. However, I really enjoyed the geographic accuracy. I always think that adds considerably to a story which, by definition, is fiction.
Finally, in your pitch, you say Jessica was working in the US. So it is no surprise to find Stone has to go there. A minor point, but it made me stumble slightly.
Definitely worth backing for the considerable potential it demonstrates holds. Good luck.
Rheagan Green – Unwelcome Consequences

Ken,

this is not my genre but I really liked your opening chapter. I could feel just how well researched your work is and enjoy the bits of dialogue in Afrikaans and felt that generally your dialogue was realistic. You have a good opening... I personally would feel better reading this from 'Man's' point of view rather than the poor beast's point of view.-.. I just felt uncomfortable being in the lioness' head.
But thank you for sharing this with me ... definitely a skilled hand.

Ken,

Some time back, you backed my book Crane's Way. I'm finally in the position to return the favor!

I read two chapters of The Brass Bring Down, and glanced at chapter 3. This is not a genre I usually read, so my comments may be irrelevant for your target audience. That said, your writing is clear and nicely detailed, and relatively clear of typos. I like the use of scripture passages at the beginning of each chapter -- they imply that something Biblical is coming, but don't give away whether it's judgment, redemption, or both.

I wonder if you really need the long Gareth Patterson excerpt at the opening. It's a good piece, but do you really want to open with that much of someone else's writing? The situation it describes is communicated well in the narrative of your story. Without it, it might be more of a jolt for the reader to learn that the lion Rossi shoots is trapped and starved. With it, the reader already has that possibility in mind. It kind of depends on the effect you're going for, but I think you can trust your reader to figure out that Rossi is a bad guy, especially if you give him a punch in the gut. (I'm assuming a male readership, based on the kind of fact-based, statistical or technical details you include).

I have one stylistic nitpick for you to think about. You tend to string together a series of complete thoughts separated by commas, instead of letting them stand as sentences in their own right. This can work if a character is talking or thinking in a rush, but this is not usually the case in your book. An example from chapter 2: He stopped outside the door to room 333 and opened the door with the key-card, he entered the room and immediately drew the curtains . . . This leads to long, rambling sentences that don't need to be that way. This example could be two sentences, or one with a semi-colon, and it would be much easier to take in. If you read some of these passages aloud, I think you'll see what I mean.

Aside from that, the edits I noted are nearly all missing or extra punctuation or capitalizations:

Ch 1

'You're welcome any time you want to come for an encore.' he smiled. You want He

Ch 2

. . . and during the approach to the city Rossi marveled at the vast expanse of the Johannesburg/ Pretoria complex, only three areas in the US; New York, Los Angeles and Chicago had greater population densities. This sentence seems got have gone out of control and would benefit from some tightening. I suggest beginning a new sentence at "During" and placing a period or semi-colon after "complex." Cut the semi after US and replace with a colon, dash, or comma. I would go with a pair of dashes before and after the list of cities. There's also an extra space that crept in before "Pretoria."

Night had fallen very quickly, as it normally does at Johannesburg's high altitude. This statement kind of threw me because I've never heard of altitude having an affect on how quickly night falls. I can't figure out how it might work, scientifically. In the tropics, this happens because of latitude, but Jo'burg isn't in the tropics. At high altitude, twilight seems to linger, at least compared to surrounding valleys that are already in shadow. Of course, I don't know what Rossi is comparing to or what season it is; in summer, it gets dark more quickly (and earlier) in San Diego than in Seattle.

Throughout, you need to watch for missing commas in dialogue, both to set off names and titles when one character addresses another, and at the end of the quote. I list a few examples here, but I don't think I caught them all.

'Do you need anything else Sir Ice maybe?' should be 'Do you need anything else, Sir? Ice, maybe?'

'I'm OK for now' Rossi said . . . needs a comma after 'now'

'No thank you, I'm just going to walk to the mall' Rossi replied needs a comma after 'mall'

'Then I guess It's time . . .' you want 'it's'

You don't need to capitalize Sausage when describing Rossi's breakfast.

He would order a Miller beer, not Millers (or just a Miller, with the beer implied. He's American, right?)

Ch 3

I didn't read the whole chapter, but it's an interesting choice to go into first person when the protagonist finally appears. Do you return to third person at any point, or does it go on in Jason's voice from this point forward? If the latter, you might think about condensing the first two chapters into a tighter prologue and then bringing Jason into the story sooner.

You've done a lot of good work here, and I wish you all the best with it!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Hi Ken, have backed your book after looking at the 1st chapter.
At the moment I have to come back to it, from what I have seen its a very good start to your book.
I will get back to it though in the next couple of days.
Thanks for backing my book, much appreciated.

kind regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

An enjoyable read I was slightly confused by the opening execution written by someone else followed by your own version or am I being dumb? The problem was that the opener was spot on whilst your own version was a repeat and not quite so sharply written and curtly focused. I would put the two together and really hit us hard with that hideous spectre of the kill and the ruthless efficiency of Louw's work. After the initial comparison I found your later paragraphs both engaging and an easy read and very evocative. Backed with pleasure and best wishes.

Richard

The second of your works that IU am backing tonight and for similar reasons to the first. Well written (which is obviously the main thing on this site) and well structured. Good characterisations.

BACKED

To Ken E Mayring (The Brass Ring Down)

This is a very well written book and yet another one I like. I'm BACKING your book and will have it on my bookshelf right away. Good luck with your writing in the future.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Effective thriller, style-wise a bit stiff here & there. You need to clarify at the start of Ch 2 that your quote is 2 Kings 4: 40. I started to check it & realised there was no such animal as 'Kings'. Intriguing title. Backed.

The brass bring down
A very interesting pitch, the dialogue is good, it's a good read too
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Alan Paton, meet Ian Fleming. What an absolutely delicious read! A thriller with real characters, great locations, heart-pounding plot - and a heart. The author clearly cares about this world and its nonhuman inhabitants and wants us to care too.

This book needs no editing. Send it to a publisher. If they're dumb enough to reject it, send it again. This deserves a broad exposure.

Good luck! Backed with best wishes.

This is a nice read that takes us out of the ordinary and lets us enter some exotic destinations. Jason is a well crafted MC and you describe him to us in a way that we feel we know him. This book has plenty of intrigue and suspense and is a very good read. I hope it does well for you.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley – I do hope you enjoy it..

Fascinating, absolutely fascinating read The Brass Bring Down.

Good work, Ken E. Mayring, and all best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

HI Ken, firstly, thank you for backing LONDON. You paint with words an interesting journey. Complex, a tight structure. I started reading yours awhile back. Backing again, just in case the first time didn't register.

blessings,
jim

The Brass Bring Down is a page a minute thriller set in some exotic places around the world. From South Africa to Dubai to Vegas, the settings are all vividly portrayed. Author Ken E. Mayring has done an excellent job with dialog, which is snappy and realistic sounding for the types of people who are speaking. And he has created a main character that is not your standard “white knight” type, leading to an even better story. The one criticism I would have is that I think a lot of the very long paragraphs could be broken up. In paperback form, one of those monsters would go for an entire page or two. Especially for a thriller, you want the reader to move quickly along, like when reading the dialog here. But those long paragraphs will really slow them down. The writing is good, it just needs broken up a bit.

Exciting, fast paced, strong central character; these are all the elements of a best seller. You have created an interesting, if brutal character in Rossi, who kills the lion and Phillips with equal lack of humanity. His escape to Dubai, is the beginning of a story that I hope to get back to when I have the time. Good Luck. K.J>

Interesting, well written, suspenseful.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

well written and fast paced which stops the reader from putting it down.
Backed.
Mike
'the compulsive adventurer'

Great pitch, Fantastic book.
A very well written read with excellent dialogue and vivid imagery. The pace of the book is also worth commenting upon, the reader is pulled in straight away.
Best of luck and hope this will be published.
Backed.

Simon,
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

An effective pitch which gives me a sense of a good thriller in the making.
Excellent writing and your eye for detail enhances the story and I enjoyed the pace which dispenses with niceties and drives the story forward well.
I'm a fan of prologues. However, I found this one IMHO one which does more harm than good, as far as I'm concerned. Too emotive and one which dampens my spirit before I've begun. Shooting the lion as a trophy is in context, a lioness with cubs at the beginning seems to serve no good purpose apart from saddening me. But, hey, what do I know. It's your story and only my thoughts. Sent with respect as is my backing. Margaret.

Beautifully written. You capture the reader's attention from the very start - though I am not sure that the Prologue helps in this respect. Starting with the shooting of the animal might be better? The only other suggestion I have is to re-assess your pitch. Try writing these as you would like to appear on the back cover of the book. How would you draw a potential reader in to take a look at your book? Backed. Colin

Hi Ken, Thanks again for backing "The Doctor of Summitville." I've now read the first chapter of "The Brass Bring Down," which is very clear and skillfully written. Your revealing imagery of the cruel slaughter in the name of sportsmanship is compelling, and the characterization of Rossi is admirable. After backing this and reading further, I'll take a look at "The Golden Goodbye." Best of luck with your thoughtful writing, Bill

A beautifully structured work, well written and descriptive. Great dialogue and imagery. Thrilling, intriguing - it's all been said. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer. (Second attempt at commenting after appalling mistakes - sorry).

A beautifully structured work, well written and desctiptive. Great dialogue and imagery. Thrilling, intriiguing - it's all been said. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

This is so well written that it had me almost in tears at the shooting of the lioness, and it had my heart racing with the vivid description of the murders. Backed.

This is well-written, with good dialogue and narrations. Two suggestions: indent your paragraphs, and use double quotes for dialogue rather than single quotes. Otherwise, looking good technically as well as creatively. Shelved.

The first chapter is well written, in spite of some animal lovers' reactions. In the case o fthis story, take the hunt descriptions the same manner that I would read and accept the introductory chapters to any murder story or story of terrorism. For example, that great Grisham story, "The Client," about the boys who witnessed a suicide; the opening is graphic but it sets up the tension for the rest of the story.

I didn't see Ch 1 as a justification for animal cruelty, though it described a certain type of "sportsman" hunting which, by my personal standards, is not acceptable, not worthy of the name "sport."

The writing, to me, is not merely descriptive (though the description is done well), it probably is essential to moving the story forward.

The first chapter is well written, in spite of some animal lovers' reactions. In the case o fthis story, take the hunt descriptions the same manner that I would read and accept the introductory chapters to any murder story or story of terrorism. For example, that great Grisham story, "The Client," about the boys who witnessed a suicide; the opening is graphic but it sets up the tension for the rest of the story.

I didn't see Ch 1 as a justification for animal cruelty, though it described a certain type of "sportsman" hunting which, by my personal standards, is not acceptable, not worthy of the name "sport."

The writing, to me, is not merely descriptive (though the description is done well), it probably is essential to moving the story forward.

THE BRASS BRING DOWN
Hi Ken, Thanks for backing A Distant Family. Your book is superb, although not my normal choice. Very sad opening and I'm not sure I could stomach the whole story, being an animal lover - though I expect this is an accurate portrayal of what goes on in Africa and the US. Your writing is well-crafted and the plot moves apace, the characters are highly believable and it has all the qualities of a best seller. Best of luck with it - I'm sure it has a good chance of being published.
Best wishes, Adelina
A Distant Family

What a fantastic read! I'll be back to finish, but on my shelf now.
Joanna
Fossil Farm