Realmz Of Darkness

I didn’t think I would enjoy Lucifer: The Final Deception, as religious themed titles tend to turn me right off. But author Steve Brown has created a cross between a mystery and an adventure story, that just happens to have the devil as a main character. Casting Lucifer as the protagonist is certainly gutsy, but this is actually a believable tale and is very well-written. Kudos to Brown for giving us a fresh breath of air in an otherwise very stale genre.

Astonishing - incredible story here. Terrific names, befitting character descriptions. Makes one wary of the world, yet strangely enticed.

Backed,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Hi, Thanks for backing Dragon Bait.

This genre isn't my usual bag, so I read your pitch (which I thought was a bit long, for what it tells) and some of the reviews - OK, plenty of people like it - and came to read chapter 1. You've chosen a good point to start your story, the critical meeting of Lucifer and his chief angels, introducing their names and characters. I'd do some editing though if this were mine - nothing serious, but taking out reptitions (eg, meeting, 3 times in para 1 = leave #1, take out #2, replace 1 with "hitting deadlines", take out#3 entirely) and "fluff" phrases like "as a matter of fact", "somewhat of" a perfectionist, "a bit too" overboard. Check agreement of noun and verb - eg, "their skin colors and textures must be in THEIR original state"; "light that made them jumped" - drop the ED off jumped; there were several examples of this kind of error that a good proofreader should spot.

It's a great idea, though, well worth polishing, even though it's not my preferred kind of reading. Thanks again.

Beautifully written and well structured, with great narrative. Very intriguing. I have backed it with pleasure. Eunice.

Very cool idea. Develop these characters as richly as possible. Leave no stone unturned. You can have a lot of fun with this. Get right inside Lucifer's head. Show us what he's thinking, what he's done, what he wants to do. Show us his true spirit. Also show the horrors he wreaks upon those he terrorizes. Wish I'd thought of this. Honestly, though, I'd write it from Lucifer's POV, at least parts of it. Probably not all, because it would get too monotonous with all the evil lurking in that character. Unless you really do want to show a gentle or redeeming side to Lucifer. That would be fun too. Yep, wish I'd thought of this.

Don't worry. I won't steal it.

Keep up the good work.

Steve,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style.

Is a moment by moment description were every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

There are several devices within your narrative worth mentioning

......the methodical description of your characters...

....., using a single visual to plant an image on the mind of the reader

.....using language carved in stone

.....finally, you have a dialogue that is action oriented....

......not overly punchy or descriptive, thus accelerating rather than slowing down the plot

......and that mix is what makes your narrative worth reading

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would have liked a bit more of a sense of place. You are introducing the reader to a word he has never seen before. Thus, you must spend time and effort at the beginning painting that world in the reader's mind, as if saying

.....come this is the world you will be inhabiting for the rest of the novel

"nervously drumming" "nervous about" "immaculately sculptured"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he describes...the reader feels

for ex: "immaculately sculptured body"
then you go on to describe it
why not let the description evoke in the reader's mind the word "sculptured"
don't you trust the power of your description?

"large(1), comfortable(2) padded(3!) chair" "soft confines" "sudden drop"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Steve,

I think your pitch is excellent and you've got a very interesting idea here, so I just read the first chapter of Realmz of Darkness (incidentally, the "o" in "of" should not be capitalized in the title).

I think you do a very good job of creating tension and drama in the opening scene.

The writing itself, however, doesn't work for me. Many of your phrases are unnecessarily cumbersome. For example, you write "the highest-ranking person present of the group" when you could state more simply "the highest-ranking person in the group." Likewise, you write, "This was one of his favorite pastimes . . . figuring out what others were thinking" when you could just write "Figuring out what others were thinking was one of his favorite pastimes." Also, you use the phrase "thinking process" where the more common expression is "thought process." You also use passive voice, employ comma splices, and have antecedent pronoun problems. All of these issues occur in the first three paragraphs of the first chapter. Perhaps you consider these unconventional turns of phrase an important part of your voice as a writer, but you risk alienating readers when you employ unconventional construction. Stated differently, I think you need to do a lot of editing on this opening chapter.

Good luck with this project. It seems like it has a lot of potential.

Kind regards,

Rob

"the air tensed" You use "tense" as a verb when you mean to use it as an adjective. The way you've got it makes the air a live character. "The protag tensed in fear."

"But this meeting was priority, it was't optional." Run-on sentence. "But this meeting was priority. It wasn't optional." You can get away with run-on sentences in dialog. Seldom in anything else.

Quite a premise. A role reversal for Satan. As a religious riter I have never considered such an approach. Creative, and daring. Reading.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Original storyline, I enjoyed how you developed Lucifer's thoughts. Hope you do well :)

thanks for the comments and the support..I know it needs some polishing...up to the task?

Hi Steve, Iike the concept of this book, and the initial chapter sets up what is to come. There are some syntax/grammar errors though. "Each eyes" should probably be "All eyes," and in the last paragraph "made them jumped," should probably be "made them jump." Probably needs some polishing, but I agree with one of your other commenters, that it is a work that is well worth polishing.
Xavier

Well! This was, to quote Monty Python, something completely different!

Take a little Tim LaHaye theoconspiracy, a little Dan Brown, a little William Blake imagery, Olaf Stapledon's kind of synopsislike narrative, and finally a generous pinch of "Pinky and the Brain" ("What are we going to do tonight, Brain?" "Same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world!"), and you have this novel.

As a professional writer and editor, I enjoyed very much the concept, and appreciated the clear sgns of some good research having been done. That said, this strikes me as a draft. As noted, the story reads far too often as a synopsis - the old adage to writers is advisable: show, don't tell - with relatively little dialogue and real action (as opposed to summaries of unfolding events). Most of the characters strike me as little more than caricatures.

As a retired pastor deeply involved for nearly half a century in teaching and conducting interfaith dialogue, I find hilarious the thought that the pope (any pope) might spend even a minute thinking about the Seventh-Day Adventist Church whatsoever, let alone blustering like it's the mortal enemy of Roman Catholicism. I'm sorry, but for me that is really stretching the facts too far. I'm a little perturbed, as well, by the negative portrayals of other Christian denominations and other world spiritual traditions; such is at best oversimplistic and at worst a kind of "religionism".

Despite the above, I do have to give the author a lot of points for sheer audacity, and, on that basis, plus the ardent hope that this outline/draft of a novel is considerably fleshed out and, to some degree thought out more carefully, I do feel a backing is in order.

--James

I will back your book for the time being as a courtesy; however, as a Christian I believe the Bible when it calls Satan, often called Lucifer, "the god of the world" or in some translations "the god of this system of things". And he is desirous of universal sovereignty, but also according to the Bible he will fail. Thank you for your backing, Geo

I read your pitch and wasn't sure what to think as I usually stray from reading anything that has a religious undertone. I found your book to be very interesting and unusual. I like the way you present information and the flow of your story. backed, Mariah

Wow Steve, what a rush. We never think about what evil really thinks, just how to try and fight it. Well done and best luck Beth Anne

As a youth pastor, I love the concept of a book that weaves theology into narrative. It is much easier to discuss weighty issues when there is a plot, and heroes and villians, etc. You have really tackled a big topic here, and have clearly put a lot of time, effort, and skill into it. i am not sure who your target audience is, but I think this could make a great contribution to the Peretti crowd (and I like Peretti a lot, by the way).
As an English teacher, I wonder if there is a way to weave a lot of the background information into the plot or into dialogue. Just a thought...
Backed.

Interesting premise retelling the history of the world from the perspective of the underworld. Also interesting to see that Lucifer has management problems on his hands with his generals. Compelling characterization.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

Thanks for backing Betrayal. I find your pitch interesting, but I think you could tighten it up a bit for a run at the top 5. In particular "Each twist and turn of this masterful plot highlights the arch fiend's perfection of the art of being diabolic. "

Maybe "The twists and turns highlight the arch fiend's perfection of the diabolic arts." You have two sentences that start with the word "each" in a row.

Do you recommend any particular chapters? If you have a chance, I really like Chapter 12 in my book

mike
betrayal

Hi Steve,
You've come up with a superb plot. This reminded me at first of C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape" but you have really thrown your imagination into what the empire of the Enemy might be like. The Enemy plays a major part in my book also ;-(
I'll back this and hope to see this in print someday!
Yours,
- Royal ("An Inscrutable Plan for the Mutant Twins")

I didn't think I would like this. Not at all. It didn't seem to be my kind of book. However, I was pleasantly surprised as I began to read. The writing is concise and often times quite moving. I only read a few paragraphs into the first chapter, as it is late, but you can be sure I will continue and read more when I can.

Backed.

Laura
"Jhevalia"

I didn’t think I would enjoy Lucifer: The Final Deception, as religious themed titles tend to turn me right off. But author Steve Brown has created a cross between a mystery and an adventure story, that just happens to have the devil as a main character. Casting Lucifer as the protagonist is certainly gutsy, but this is actually a believable tale and is very well-written. Kudos to Brown for giving us a fresh breath of air in an otherwise very stale genre.

Astonishing - incredible story here. Terrific names, befitting character descriptions. Makes one wary of the world, yet strangely enticed.

Backed,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Astonishing - incredible story here. Terrific names, befitting character descriptions. Makes one wary of the world, yet strangely enticed.

Backed,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Hi, Steve,
Lucifer: the Final Deception is quite an entertaining read. Looks as if you had fun writing it. And I found myself seeing it more as a humorous piece. You do give us a lot of characters with difficult names to remember in the first chapter. While your writing needs a polish, you have a nice style and a lot of potential. Good luck with this.
Backed.
Gloria
Finnegan's Quest

Dear Steve
This book has a huge scope and I am not surprised it has generated so much interest and so many comments. Your description of Lucifer (physical and pychological) is entertaining and the storyline mainly concerning his diabolical plans is hugely imaginative and thought provoking. You attempt to bring in all human affairs including all religions, politics and international affairs. The danger with such a wide subject matter is a lack of detail and engagement with a personal story. However I think you have somehow managed to avoid that pitfall. You do need a re-read as there are patches of poor grammar here and therebut overall a facinating and unique read.

regards

Brian

Hi, Thanks for backing Dragon Bait.

This genre isn't my usual bag, so I read your pitch (which I thought was a bit long, for what it tells) and some of the reviews - OK, plenty of people like it - and came to read chapter 1. You've chosen a good point to start your story, the critical meeting of Lucifer and his chief angels, introducing their names and characters. I'd do some editing though if this were mine - nothing serious, but taking out reptitions (eg, meeting, 3 times in para 1 = leave #1, take out #2, replace 1 with "hitting deadlines", take out#3 entirely) and "fluff" phrases like "as a matter of fact", "somewhat of" a perfectionist, "a bit too" overboard. Check agreement of noun and verb - eg, "their skin colors and textures must be in THEIR original state"; "light that made them jumped" - drop the ED off jumped; there were several examples of this kind of error that a good proofreader should spot.

It's a great idea, though, well worth polishing, even though it's not my preferred kind of reading. Thanks again.

Hi there,

I read the first chapter and will come back for more. Truly fascinating. I do suggest combing for the word "was" and replacing with more active verbs or rephrasing. I saw quite a few of those pesky suckers; "was" is not a writer's friend :)

Thanks for sharing,
Rhiannon
Worthy of Grace

Great pitch. Caught in your web and reading.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Great faith is the product of great fights. Great testimonies are the outcome of great tests. Great triumphs only comes after great trials. The desire of been under Satans' deceptive power will soon come to a climax ; when sin REIGNS, it will make us desire the bad and Satan will be glorified. The desires will be strong even irresistible, if we fight against them on our own. Satan is the 'Cruel Tyrant' one who is never satisfied one who is always coming back for more. Only through faith, only through claiming the Promises of victory, can we overthrow this unrelenting master.

All the best in your endeavour

Great faith is the product of great fights. Great testimonies are the outcome of great tests. Great triumphs only comes after great trials. The desire of been under Satans' deceptive power will soon come to a climax ; when sin REIGNS, it will make us desire the bad and Satan will be glorified. The desires will be strong even irresistible, if we fight against them on our own. Satan is the 'Cruel Tyrant' one who is never satisfied one who is always coming back for more. Only through faith, only through claiming the Promises of victory, can we overthrow this unrelenting master.

All the best in your endeavour

Good idea for a story. Great imaginatiion.

Kyario's chair creaked as weight was shifted to enable comfort. This sentence is passive. Active would be: Kyario shifted in his seat and the chair creaked in protest. I counted five 'was' words in this paragraph. Mostly the offensive words mark passive writing. Try to swap the order of the sentence so someone does something, rather than something was done to them.

These writing issues are separate from the strength of your plot. Keep revising.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Great pitch, super idea for a story. Backed.

I agree with one of the comments here that this could possibly be 'adopted' ... Excellent writing, not my thing but can appreciate your talent as a writer. FOUR BETTER FOUR WORSE

Beautifully written and well structured, with great narrative. Very intriguing. I have backed it with pleasure. Eunice.

Steve:

Have just self-published THE LION DOMINION with CreateSpace, If you want more information about availability, the process, etc., email me at jackdeeney@yahoo.com

Thanks again for your help.

Regards,

Jack Deeney

Hi,
Didin't think I'd like this but it an intrigueing read which has left me, after the first couple of chapters, wanting to read more.
Backed with pleasure.
Lizzie Scott :-)

Well written. Will read some more for sure soon. Backed with pleasure. Lizzie Scott :-)

Dear Steve
wow just finished this read, and like the book cover compelling. you have such talent and I wish I had half of it. I have been on the edge reading this, your characters are vividly depicted and so animated they have taken up permanent residence in my head and is this a good thing? ....anyways i have not read it all but I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

Hi Steve

This is a very original and entertaining concept - the world seen from the side of the fallen angels, especially the resurrection. You kept me reading beyond the 1st chapter. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Still reading and enthralled, good work will comment later.

Finally got around to commenting after backing. Like the premise, and I love the detail in your writing. I also love that it's told from the "other" viewpoint. Good luck with it.

Very original and would definitely like to see this as movie, if the cover is anything to go by. Using the second coming as a ruse to trick the world is a brilliant one. Very visual, creepy, exciting, a wonderful exploration in the weakness of the human mund and how the messes will accept anything that is fed to them is brilliantly done.

Thanks for backing King Solomon's '13'!

Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Very cool idea. Develop these characters as richly as possible. Leave no stone unturned. You can have a lot of fun with this. Get right inside Lucifer's head. Show us what he's thinking, what he's done, what he wants to do. Show us his true spirit. Also show the horrors he wreaks upon those he terrorizes. Wish I'd thought of this. Honestly, though, I'd write it from Lucifer's POV, at least parts of it. Probably not all, because it would get too monotonous with all the evil lurking in that character. Unless you really do want to show a gentle or redeeming side to Lucifer. That would be fun too. Yep, wish I'd thought of this.

Don't worry. I won't steal it.

Keep up the good work.

Steve, I appreciate your support of Fidelity. You got quite the opener here. I wish you and the book the best.

I don't normally read this genre - one of the pluses of Authonomy, I suppose, is to take me out of my comfort zone. I like what I've read so far. Your wry sense of humour and good characterisation all add to the enjoyment.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

interesting piece of religious fantasy

hi Steve,
In line with the starkness of the subject your writing starts off quite gothic until the historical/personal experience kicks in. I enjoyed the mirroring of ideas agains the backdrop of the biblical story. It seems that you support that story and assume a rebel position in order to prove it right, like a spy in the works.
I should like to comment that the American viewpoint comes across as rather strong, something which might hamper global or empirical understanding to a certain degree. But then . . empirical is out, I understand. Within the confines of this specific paradigm there are interesting aspects for discussion. On shelf.

This is a FANTASTIC premise!

Congratulations on your great work.

Backed with pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Well I had to stop reading at chapter eight. I had to because I am supposed to be working and if I had not stopped then (and trust me, with disappointment heavily upon me) I would have read on. When this is in print it will be on my shelf as soon as I can buy it.

I have one nit: but is a conjunction and there needs be no "," before it. eg. "No one knew for certain why they were so hastily summoned , but each knew for a fact that this wasn't an ordinary meeting."

I love the way that the Six are portrayed as mafia type gang. And then the halo of light in Lucifer's chair? Fantastic. You write in shades that have colours of their very own!

"Standing at twenty two feet tall in comparison to their twenty, he was an immense being" such attention to detail is something most writer's miss but you corden them perfectly. It is artistry. The description of Lucifer is delicious as some beautiful thing. The reader can almost hear the spitting at Lucifer's "he HATED humans".

The diabolical dialogue is filled with dark humour.

I adore the acronyms and the wonderful PONTIFF who "...felt almost supernatural" at the idea of meeting Heavenly beings.

Look, as someone who writes in the same field and uses a simialr pond to drink from, I wanted to find lots to citrique negatively. I found nothing. BACKED! BACKED! BACKED! WOW!

Hi Steve,

This is a great story and I wish I had time to read more than the first two chapters but, unfortunately, I don't.

There are a number of typos/tense slips in these first two chapters, so it needs a good proof reading session, preferably by a fresh set of eyes - we tend not to spot our own mistakes - but once these minor errors are put right I think this story should do well.

Ron

Ch 3 needs some tight editing. There are typo errors and grammatical errors. Sounds more like a gang of thugs than a gang of angels. As one reviewer put it, 'highly original approach'.

Ch 2 Slightly confusing. This needs to honed to a sharp point. BTW, Lucifer fears not only Gabrielle- but God. And why would God wish to make Lucifer hate human's even more than he did before? Interesting questions stirred up by this chapter.