Book Jacket

 

rank 603
word count 60493
date submitted 15.12.2009
date updated 04.03.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: universal
complete

Realmz Of Darkness

Steve Brown

Lucifer...the Notorious Antagonist now becomes the Protagonist, as he bends his diabolic mind to its ultimate in creating the final and greatest deception ever...

 

Lucifer needs a plan. All his successes in deceiving humanity are minuscule in comparison to his ultimate goal...universal governance.

This uniquely created Angel who has masterfully woven a web of deception which has ensnared humans, is now challenging his mind to produce the ultimate deception of all...duplicating Jesus' second return to earth.

Each twist and turn of this masterful plot highlights the arch fiend's perfection of the art of being diabolic.
Each turn of the page brings the reader to a dimension never before experienced...into the mind of Lucifer...as the events unfold from his point of view.

It is a journey that will change your mind...forever, as his vulnerability is exposed, his weaknesses
are highlighted, his hatred for humanity is unleashed and his failures and limitations are unmasked.

DARE TO EXPLORE!

 
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tags

adventists, angels, catholic, deception, god, islam, jesus, lucifer, pope, religion, trinity

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REALMZ OF DARKNESS

Chapter 1

 

The six sat in stony silence, the air was tense, yet electrified with expectations, each in their own thoughts. No one knew for certain why they were so hastily summoned, but each knew for a fact that this wasn’t an ordinary meeting. Fifteen minutes ago they had been so busy meeting deadlines and completing tasks. But the directive they had received to attend this meeting was not an optional request, it was a direct word of command.

 

Techatra, the highest-ranking person present of the group, settled down in the large comfortable padded chair and propped his chin in his palm. His elbow rested on the cushioned armrest as he looked at each of the five faces, wondering what their thoughts were. This was one of his favorite pastimes…figuring out what others were thinking. He didn’t have the art to perfection as yet, but he was pretty close to becoming a master of the game. It took just a change in the facial features, a twitch of a particular muscle, the amount of perspiration on a body part, the change in heart-beat rate. All these were pieces to the jigsaw puzzle of one’s thinking process. Yeah, he was getting good at his craft.

 

Nyphryl, one of his closest friends, was sitting in the chair opposite to him with his fingers nervously drumming the edge of the table. They shared a lot of memories together, as a matter of fact Nyphryl was the chief of the seraphim, but by the rhythmic staccato his fingers were tapping out on the mahogany surface, he could tell that he was nervous about this meeting in particular.

 

Kyario’s chair creaked as weight was shifted to enable comfort. Ooh how he loathed this proud, self-centered bastard. Kyario was the chief cherubim and was extremely intelligent, but his intelligence was his Achilles heel, and as far as Techatra could assume Kyario was probably doing the same thing he was doing – trying to read each person’s thought.

 

Techatra’s roving eye rested on Zarion, who was staring at a fixed mental point. This was one bitter diabolic soul. He was somewhat of a perfectionist when it came to being evil, sometimes he went a bit too overboard, too eccentric, as he did with the holocaust, but still, that was ok. It was all for the cause. He, Zarion, was preoccupied in his thoughts with the wonderful work that he was doing on the African continent.

 

There was a soft rustling sound of wings being expanded. Techatra’s head swiveled to the direction of the source. It was Sercurius – sick, psychopath. For six thousand three hundred years since they were on planet earth he had trod softly with this maniac – because he operated in tandem with an equally sadistic counterpart – Phencur.  Even by demonic standards these two were just sheer evil. It was impossible – almost – to read their thoughts. They perfected, in large degrees, the ability to subdue and conceal their emotions. That was their element of surprise when they did their demonic acts. That was what made them the Boss’s closest lieutenants.

 

Techatra sighed as he adjusted his wings for comfort and further eased back into the soft confines of his chair. Yep, they had come a long way. Even though they had their differences of opinions, they were all brothers – all fallen angels. The six of them were generals in the vast fallen angelic army. Seven billion angels. Six leaders. One master. 

 

Techatra, along with the others, were a bit perplexed by the instructions that Reficul had given them in regard to how they should present themselves at the meeting. They were to come in their original forms, no adjustment to their heights. Their skin colors and textures must be in its original state, their eyes, their wing spans…everything must be according to their ranks and initial creation. The last time they were given such specifics was a little over two thousand years ago.

 

Techatra remembered that meeting vividly; it was when Jesus walked this land.

 

Even remembering His name caused real pain to Techatra. But he remembered that meeting, because it came at a time when Jesus was doing all that could possibly be done for humanity. Lucifer was elated to have (what was to be) a final duel with Him. Jesus was on this ridiculous mission to save mankind, save the world. But He had exposed Himself…too much…and that was enough for the council to strike.  Lucifer had wanted everyone to be optimal in their thinking. This plan when executed would have brought them closer to their goal of universal dominance. This little planet was just another battlefield, a base, their headquarters, but it was going to be pivotal for their attack, and Jesus had played right into their hands.

 

It was something that they did not fully understand. How could He become a human being? But He was… and that meant that He could be killed. And if He could be killed…then they were the ones to do it. The Trinity would be broken and Jesus would be their prisoner forever. The other Trinity members would have to give up their positions to have back His body. Yea, it was a master plan. If Jesus would just once have a shadow of controversy with the “cursed” law that they the Trinity had contrived, then the rebels would be rulers… as it was meant to be. Lords and masters of this universe that they were fighting so hard to rule…

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden drop in the temperature of the room. The room was already cool but it was now taking on a deathly chill. Each of them looked alert; they too had felt the creeping chill. Someone gasped, probably Kyario, as they all felt in unison, a severe tension on their bodies, then there was an intense pressure as they felt their insides being compressed. With eyes bulging they knew what was happening, they were no strangers to this, as a matter of fact, these scenarios were always an accurate indication of what mood Lucifer was in, and by the feeling of the pressure applied, they knew it wasn’t a pleasant one.

Suddenly, the room went dark, except for the seventh chair.

 

That was Lucifer’s chair.

 

An eerie halo of light glowed around it. Hovering over the blue and red cushioned seat of the chair was an illuminated shard. Each person was now looking in half fear, and half expectancy, sweat forming on the brows and upper lips, each eyes now affixed to the shard. The light grew brighter and brighter, and started spinning in a clockwise direction at an alarming speed, getting brighter with each revolution, searing the eyes of the onlookers.

 

Then it stopped. A black hole then was formed in the center of the shard, sucking all the light into it. Then there was complete, thick hanging darkness… Silence…

 

 

 

No one spoke. The sound of trickling water followed, accompanied by a soft chuckling laugh. Then in a sudden explosion of colors and light that made them jumped, startled in their seats, they saw him, wrapped in a soft, almost gentle mist. The mist slowly cleared away and they audibly sucked in the air as the room became lighted again and they saw Reficul stepping from the mist.

 

Lucifer had arrived.

 

Chapters

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Annockonda wrote 59 days ago

Hi Steve,

Please forgive the short comment. Running a bit late! Really enjoying the couple of chapters I've read so far.

You have a very tactile method of introducing the personalities of the fallen angel characters in the first chapter, without slipping into an omniscient POV. I thought it was well executed and pretty unique.

Hi Adam..I am flattered by the feedback...I am so thankful and appreciative that you have taken to time to read and respond. Many thanks
And overall a truly interesting concept. This is definitely a book I which I plan to read the whole manuscript for (given time!)

The narrative and description are fantastic, and so is the dialogue.

Highly starred.

Cheers,
Adam

Red2u wrote 61 days ago

I must say this is truly a fascinating story, Lucifer, his generals, Jesus and Gabrielle. The descriptions and dialogue were so real. I honestly felt like I was sittng amongst them. So many books on God this is a refreshing change up. I will be back for more. Thanks for posting this on authonomy!
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

Stark Silvercoin wrote 604 days ago

I didn’t think I would enjoy Lucifer: The Final Deception, as religious themed titles tend to turn me right off. But author Steve Brown has created a cross between a mystery and an adventure story, that just happens to have the devil as a main character. Casting Lucifer as the protagonist is certainly gutsy, but this is actually a believable tale and is very well-written. Kudos to Brown for giving us a fresh breath of air in an otherwise very stale genre.

Justis Call wrote 607 days ago

Astonishing - incredible story here. Terrific names, befitting character descriptions. Makes one wary of the world, yet strangely enticed.

Backed,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Fellpony wrote 617 days ago

Hi, Thanks for backing Dragon Bait.

This genre isn't my usual bag, so I read your pitch (which I thought was a bit long, for what it tells) and some of the reviews - OK, plenty of people like it - and came to read chapter 1. You've chosen a good point to start your story, the critical meeting of Lucifer and his chief angels, introducing their names and characters. I'd do some editing though if this were mine - nothing serious, but taking out reptitions (eg, meeting, 3 times in para 1 = leave #1, take out #2, replace 1 with "hitting deadlines", take out#3 entirely) and "fluff" phrases like "as a matter of fact", "somewhat of" a perfectionist, "a bit too" overboard. Check agreement of noun and verb - eg, "their skin colors and textures must be in THEIR original state"; "light that made them jumped" - drop the ED off jumped; there were several examples of this kind of error that a good proofreader should spot.

It's a great idea, though, well worth polishing, even though it's not my preferred kind of reading. Thanks again.

ShirleyGrace wrote 26 days ago

Wow! This one will make the hair stand on the back of your neck. I am enjoying the read. Very clever and witty and I will continue to read.
Shirley Grace

Annockonda wrote 58 days ago

Hi Steve,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth (and feel free to ignore whatever you disagree with).
Just out of curiosity, is “realmz” spelled with a z on purpose? Seems a little corny, but maybe I don’t get the context yet.
A fairly strong short pitch, though the ellipses are a bit distracting to be honest.
Seriously, too many ellipses. From what I hear, publishers aren’t fond of them and they rarely serve the purpose many authors use them for, which is creating drama. I’d do away with them whenever possible, but it might just be me. You’ve got seven in your pitches alone.
Love your cover, btw.
Chapter 1
“the air was tense” it should be a new sentence to avoid a run-on.
Drop “yet,” so it reads “the air was tense, electrified with expectations”
“each in their own thought” as this is written, you’re splitting this from what it modifies. Consider revising to, “The six sat in stony silence, each in their own thoughts. The air was tense, electrified with expectations.”
I love how you describe the act of mind reading, but the things you describe, I wonder if they’re not more clues of what the person is thinking rather than piece of the jigsaw puzzle of one’s thinking process. After all, they’re symptoms of what one things perhaps, but not necessarily the pieces that move thought.
Great hook at the end. I like this. Strong start. You have a good sense of dramatic build up and there are some great descriptions. I think it could use another scrub or two, and the ellipses, frankly, don’t really help in how they’re used. They kind of cheapen the drama to what feels like gimmicks. Again, could just be me.
Good stuff, though. Best of luck. Highly starred.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)



Hey there. I really do appreciate the feedback and I am actually making the changes on my manuscript. I have digested what you have said, and it makes perfect sense. These are the kind of inputs which Iove. The "Z" on the the word realmz was placed there due to copyright reason. Another novel is in circulation with the same title. The only way I could authenticate my book title and to protect it from infringing on existing copyrights, was to change the spelling of the word "Realms" to Realmz. Thanks once again for the feedback

Philthy wrote 59 days ago

Hi Steve,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth (and feel free to ignore whatever you disagree with).
Just out of curiosity, is “realmz” spelled with a z on purpose? Seems a little corny, but maybe I don’t get the context yet.
A fairly strong short pitch, though the ellipses are a bit distracting to be honest.
Seriously, too many ellipses. From what I hear, publishers aren’t fond of them and they rarely serve the purpose many authors use them for, which is creating drama. I’d do away with them whenever possible, but it might just be me. You’ve got seven in your pitches alone.
Love your cover, btw.
Chapter 1
“the air was tense” it should be a new sentence to avoid a run-on.
Drop “yet,” so it reads “the air was tense, electrified with expectations”
“each in their own thought” as this is written, you’re splitting this from what it modifies. Consider revising to, “The six sat in stony silence, each in their own thoughts. The air was tense, electrified with expectations.”
I love how you describe the act of mind reading, but the things you describe, I wonder if they’re not more clues of what the person is thinking rather than piece of the jigsaw puzzle of one’s thinking process. After all, they’re symptoms of what one things perhaps, but not necessarily the pieces that move thought.
Great hook at the end. I like this. Strong start. You have a good sense of dramatic build up and there are some great descriptions. I think it could use another scrub or two, and the ellipses, frankly, don’t really help in how they’re used. They kind of cheapen the drama to what feels like gimmicks. Again, could just be me.
Good stuff, though. Best of luck. Highly starred.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Annockonda wrote 59 days ago

Hi Steve,

Please forgive the short comment. Running a bit late! Really enjoying the couple of chapters I've read so far.

You have a very tactile method of introducing the personalities of the fallen angel characters in the first chapter, without slipping into an omniscient POV. I thought it was well executed and pretty unique.

Hi Adam..I am flattered by the feedback...I am so thankful and appreciative that you have taken to time to read and respond. Many thanks
And overall a truly interesting concept. This is definitely a book I which I plan to read the whole manuscript for (given time!)

The narrative and description are fantastic, and so is the dialogue.

Highly starred.

Cheers,
Adam

Annockonda wrote 59 days ago

I must say this is truly a fascinating story, Lucifer, his generals, Jesus and Gabrielle. The descriptions and dialogue were so real. I honestly felt like I was sittng amongst them. So many books on God this is a refreshing change up. I will be back for more. Thanks for posting this on authonomy!
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort



hey red2u...thanks so much for the feedback..it has been truly appreciated...my intention was to get a different POV on familiar stories..keeping it real..thanks once again

Numbers wrote 60 days ago

Hi Steve,

Please forgive the short comment. Running a bit late! Really enjoying the couple of chapters I've read so far.

You have a very tactile method of introducing the personalities of the fallen angel characters in the first chapter, without slipping into an omniscient POV. I thought it was well executed and pretty unique.

And overall a truly interesting concept. This is definitely a book I which I plan to read the whole manuscript for (given time!)

The narrative and description are fantastic, and so is the dialogue.

Highly starred.

Cheers,
Adam

Red2u wrote 61 days ago

I must say this is truly a fascinating story, Lucifer, his generals, Jesus and Gabrielle. The descriptions and dialogue were so real. I honestly felt like I was sittng amongst them. So many books on God this is a refreshing change up. I will be back for more. Thanks for posting this on authonomy!
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

Annockonda wrote 64 days ago

Demons...Fallen Angels...yep..that's who they are...

Interesting premise!

Are they persons or demons in this opening - wings etc might suggest demons?

WiSpY wrote 64 days ago

Interesting premise!

Are they persons or demons in this opening - wings etc might suggest demons?

Annockonda wrote 69 days ago

thanks for the feedback...the book is still undergoing tweaking and editing

Shelby Z. wrote 77 days ago

This is an interesting idea for a book for sure!
I imagined the first chapter to be a little darker than you had it.
However you did a very good job at portraying your evil minions here. They are set very well and characterized in a fashion the reader can understand.
Your pitch, title, and cover are very drawing to a reader.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

curiousturtle wrote 443 days ago

Steve,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style.

Is a moment by moment description were every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

There are several devices within your narrative worth mentioning

......the methodical description of your characters...

....., using a single visual to plant an image on the mind of the reader

.....using language carved in stone

.....finally, you have a dialogue that is action oriented....

......not overly punchy or descriptive, thus accelerating rather than slowing down the plot

......and that mix is what makes your narrative worth reading

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would have liked a bit more of a sense of place. You are introducing the reader to a word he has never seen before. Thus, you must spend time and effort at the beginning painting that world in the reader's mind, as if saying

.....come this is the world you will be inhabiting for the rest of the novel

"nervously drumming" "nervous about" "immaculately sculptured"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he describes...the reader feels

for ex: "immaculately sculptured body"
then you go on to describe it
why not let the description evoke in the reader's mind the word "sculptured"
don't you trust the power of your description?

"large(1), comfortable(2) padded(3!) chair" "soft confines" "sudden drop"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Charles Thompson wrote 552 days ago

Steve,

I think your pitch is excellent and you've got a very interesting idea here, so I just read the first chapter of Realmz of Darkness (incidentally, the "o" in "of" should not be capitalized in the title).

I think you do a very good job of creating tension and drama in the opening scene.

The writing itself, however, doesn't work for me. Many of your phrases are unnecessarily cumbersome. For example, you write "the highest-ranking person present of the group" when you could state more simply "the highest-ranking person in the group." Likewise, you write, "This was one of his favorite pastimes . . . figuring out what others were thinking" when you could just write "Figuring out what others were thinking was one of his favorite pastimes." Also, you use the phrase "thinking process" where the more common expression is "thought process." You also use passive voice, employ comma splices, and have antecedent pronoun problems. All of these issues occur in the first three paragraphs of the first chapter. Perhaps you consider these unconventional turns of phrase an important part of your voice as a writer, but you risk alienating readers when you employ unconventional construction. Stated differently, I think you need to do a lot of editing on this opening chapter.

Good luck with this project. It seems like it has a lot of potential.

Kind regards,

Rob

JeffCorkern wrote 561 days ago

"the air tensed" You use "tense" as a verb when you mean to use it as an adjective. The way you've got it makes the air a live character. "The protag tensed in fear."

"But this meeting was priority, it was't optional." Run-on sentence. "But this meeting was priority. It wasn't optional." You can get away with run-on sentences in dialog. Seldom in anything else.

Tom Balderston wrote 561 days ago

Quite a premise. A role reversal for Satan. As a religious riter I have never considered such an approach. Creative, and daring. Reading.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

mikechurch wrote 571 days ago

Original storyline, I enjoyed how you developed Lucifer's thoughts. Hope you do well :)

Annockonda wrote 575 days ago

thanks for the comments and the support..I know it needs some polishing...up to the task?

Xaxier wrote 576 days ago

Hi Steve, Iike the concept of this book, and the initial chapter sets up what is to come. There are some syntax/grammar errors though. "Each eyes" should probably be "All eyes," and in the last paragraph "made them jumped," should probably be "made them jump." Probably needs some polishing, but I agree with one of your other commenters, that it is a work that is well worth polishing.
Xavier

James David Audlin wrote 580 days ago

Well! This was, to quote Monty Python, something completely different!

Take a little Tim LaHaye theoconspiracy, a little Dan Brown, a little William Blake imagery, Olaf Stapledon's kind of synopsislike narrative, and finally a generous pinch of "Pinky and the Brain" ("What are we going to do tonight, Brain?" "Same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world!"), and you have this novel.

As a professional writer and editor, I enjoyed very much the concept, and appreciated the clear sgns of some good research having been done. That said, this strikes me as a draft. As noted, the story reads far too often as a synopsis - the old adage to writers is advisable: show, don't tell - with relatively little dialogue and real action (as opposed to summaries of unfolding events). Most of the characters strike me as little more than caricatures.

As a retired pastor deeply involved for nearly half a century in teaching and conducting interfaith dialogue, I find hilarious the thought that the pope (any pope) might spend even a minute thinking about the Seventh-Day Adventist Church whatsoever, let alone blustering like it's the mortal enemy of Roman Catholicism. I'm sorry, but for me that is really stretching the facts too far. I'm a little perturbed, as well, by the negative portrayals of other Christian denominations and other world spiritual traditions; such is at best oversimplistic and at worst a kind of "religionism".

Despite the above, I do have to give the author a lot of points for sheer audacity, and, on that basis, plus the ardent hope that this outline/draft of a novel is considerably fleshed out and, to some degree thought out more carefully, I do feel a backing is in order.

--James

georgigirl wrote 586 days ago

I will back your book for the time being as a courtesy; however, as a Christian I believe the Bible when it calls Satan, often called Lucifer, "the god of the world" or in some translations "the god of this system of things". And he is desirous of universal sovereignty, but also according to the Bible he will fail. Thank you for your backing, Geo

mariahj24 wrote 590 days ago

I read your pitch and wasn't sure what to think as I usually stray from reading anything that has a religious undertone. I found your book to be very interesting and unusual. I like the way you present information and the flow of your story. backed, Mariah

Beth Anne Wilkins wrote 591 days ago

Wow Steve, what a rush. We never think about what evil really thinks, just how to try and fight it. Well done and best luck Beth Anne

aweber wrote 591 days ago

As a youth pastor, I love the concept of a book that weaves theology into narrative. It is much easier to discuss weighty issues when there is a plot, and heroes and villians, etc. You have really tackled a big topic here, and have clearly put a lot of time, effort, and skill into it. i am not sure who your target audience is, but I think this could make a great contribution to the Peretti crowd (and I like Peretti a lot, by the way).
As an English teacher, I wonder if there is a way to weave a lot of the background information into the plot or into dialogue. Just a thought...
Backed.

Jedah Mayberry wrote 596 days ago

Interesting premise retelling the history of the world from the perspective of the underworld. Also interesting to see that Lucifer has management problems on his hands with his generals. Compelling characterization.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

mike-wolfham wrote 598 days ago

Thanks for backing Betrayal. I find your pitch interesting, but I think you could tighten it up a bit for a run at the top 5. In particular "Each twist and turn of this masterful plot highlights the arch fiend's perfection of the art of being diabolic. "

Maybe "The twists and turns highlight the arch fiend's perfection of the diabolic arts." You have two sentences that start with the word "each" in a row.

Do you recommend any particular chapters? If you have a chance, I really like Chapter 12 in my book

mike
betrayal

RoyalT wrote 600 days ago

Hi Steve,
You've come up with a superb plot. This reminded me at first of C.S. Lewis's "Screwtape" but you have really thrown your imagination into what the empire of the Enemy might be like. The Enemy plays a major part in my book also ;-(
I'll back this and hope to see this in print someday!
Yours,
- Royal ("An Inscrutable Plan for the Mutant Twins")

Silver_Eyes wrote 601 days ago

I didn't think I would like this. Not at all. It didn't seem to be my kind of book. However, I was pleasantly surprised as I began to read. The writing is concise and often times quite moving. I only read a few paragraphs into the first chapter, as it is late, but you can be sure I will continue and read more when I can.

Backed.

Laura
"Jhevalia"

Stark Silvercoin wrote 604 days ago

I didn’t think I would enjoy Lucifer: The Final Deception, as religious themed titles tend to turn me right off. But author Steve Brown has created a cross between a mystery and an adventure story, that just happens to have the devil as a main character. Casting Lucifer as the protagonist is certainly gutsy, but this is actually a believable tale and is very well-written. Kudos to Brown for giving us a fresh breath of air in an otherwise very stale genre.

Justis Call wrote 607 days ago

Astonishing - incredible story here. Terrific names, befitting character descriptions. Makes one wary of the world, yet strangely enticed.

Backed,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

Justis Call wrote 607 days ago

Astonishing - incredible story here. Terrific names, befitting character descriptions. Makes one wary of the world, yet strangely enticed.

Backed,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

gloria piper wrote 608 days ago

Hi, Steve,
Lucifer: the Final Deception is quite an entertaining read. Looks as if you had fun writing it. And I found myself seeing it more as a humorous piece. You do give us a lot of characters with difficult names to remember in the first chapter. While your writing needs a polish, you have a nice style and a lot of potential. Good luck with this.
Backed.
Gloria
Finnegan's Quest

briantodd wrote 614 days ago

Dear Steve
This book has a huge scope and I am not surprised it has generated so much interest and so many comments. Your description of Lucifer (physical and pychological) is entertaining and the storyline mainly concerning his diabolical plans is hugely imaginative and thought provoking. You attempt to bring in all human affairs including all religions, politics and international affairs. The danger with such a wide subject matter is a lack of detail and engagement with a personal story. However I think you have somehow managed to avoid that pitfall. You do need a re-read as there are patches of poor grammar here and therebut overall a facinating and unique read.

regards

Brian

Fellpony wrote 617 days ago

Hi, Thanks for backing Dragon Bait.

This genre isn't my usual bag, so I read your pitch (which I thought was a bit long, for what it tells) and some of the reviews - OK, plenty of people like it - and came to read chapter 1. You've chosen a good point to start your story, the critical meeting of Lucifer and his chief angels, introducing their names and characters. I'd do some editing though if this were mine - nothing serious, but taking out reptitions (eg, meeting, 3 times in para 1 = leave #1, take out #2, replace 1 with "hitting deadlines", take out#3 entirely) and "fluff" phrases like "as a matter of fact", "somewhat of" a perfectionist, "a bit too" overboard. Check agreement of noun and verb - eg, "their skin colors and textures must be in THEIR original state"; "light that made them jumped" - drop the ED off jumped; there were several examples of this kind of error that a good proofreader should spot.

It's a great idea, though, well worth polishing, even though it's not my preferred kind of reading. Thanks again.

Rellis wrote 617 days ago

Hi there,

I read the first chapter and will come back for more. Truly fascinating. I do suggest combing for the word "was" and replacing with more active verbs or rephrasing. I saw quite a few of those pesky suckers; "was" is not a writer's friend :)

Thanks for sharing,
Rhiannon
Worthy of Grace

Tom Balderston wrote 617 days ago

Great pitch. Caught in your web and reading.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Toshiba wrote 623 days ago

Great faith is the product of great fights. Great testimonies are the outcome of great tests. Great triumphs only comes after great trials. The desire of been under Satans' deceptive power will soon come to a climax ; when sin REIGNS, it will make us desire the bad and Satan will be glorified. The desires will be strong even irresistible, if we fight against them on our own. Satan is the 'Cruel Tyrant' one who is never satisfied one who is always coming back for more. Only through faith, only through claiming the Promises of victory, can we overthrow this unrelenting master.

All the best in your endeavour

Toshiba wrote 623 days ago

Great faith is the product of great fights. Great testimonies are the outcome of great tests. Great triumphs only comes after great trials. The desire of been under Satans' deceptive power will soon come to a climax ; when sin REIGNS, it will make us desire the bad and Satan will be glorified. The desires will be strong even irresistible, if we fight against them on our own. Satan is the 'Cruel Tyrant' one who is never satisfied one who is always coming back for more. Only through faith, only through claiming the Promises of victory, can we overthrow this unrelenting master.

All the best in your endeavour

Francene Stanley wrote 627 days ago

Good idea for a story. Great imaginatiion.

Kyario's chair creaked as weight was shifted to enable comfort. This sentence is passive. Active would be: Kyario shifted in his seat and the chair creaked in protest. I counted five 'was' words in this paragraph. Mostly the offensive words mark passive writing. Try to swap the order of the sentence so someone does something, rather than something was done to them.

These writing issues are separate from the strength of your plot. Keep revising.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Dolores A wrote 627 days ago

Great pitch, super idea for a story. Backed.

nenno wrote 628 days ago

I agree with one of the comments here that this could possibly be 'adopted' ... Excellent writing, not my thing but can appreciate your talent as a writer. FOUR BETTER FOUR WORSE

Eunice Attwood wrote 630 days ago

Beautifully written and well structured, with great narrative. Very intriguing. I have backed it with pleasure. Eunice.

JACK DEENEY wrote 638 days ago

Steve:

Have just self-published THE LION DOMINION with CreateSpace, If you want more information about availability, the process, etc., email me at jackdeeney@yahoo.com

Thanks again for your help.

Regards,

Jack Deeney

JACK DEENEY wrote 638 days ago
minx2minx wrote 639 days ago

Hi,
Didin't think I'd like this but it an intrigueing read which has left me, after the first couple of chapters, wanting to read more.
Backed with pleasure.
Lizzie Scott :-)

minx2minx wrote 650 days ago

Well written. Will read some more for sure soon. Backed with pleasure. Lizzie Scott :-)

name falied moderation wrote 651 days ago

Dear Steve
wow just finished this read, and like the book cover compelling. you have such talent and I wish I had half of it. I have been on the edge reading this, your characters are vividly depicted and so animated they have taken up permanent residence in my head and is this a good thing? ....anyways i have not read it all but I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

nsllee wrote 652 days ago

Hi Steve

This is a very original and entertaining concept - the world seen from the side of the fallen angels, especially the resurrection. You kept me reading beyond the 1st chapter. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Larry789 wrote 658 days ago

Still reading and enthralled, good work will comment later.

StaKC wrote 665 days ago

Finally got around to commenting after backing. Like the premise, and I love the detail in your writing. I also love that it's told from the "other" viewpoint. Good luck with it.

Owen Quinn wrote 673 days ago

Very original and would definitely like to see this as movie, if the cover is anything to go by. Using the second coming as a ruse to trick the world is a brilliant one. Very visual, creepy, exciting, a wonderful exploration in the weakness of the human mund and how the messes will accept anything that is fed to them is brilliantly done.