Scent

Hi Holly, The POV’s of Aiden and Emily are agile and led me into this “in lust” and scent problem so that it was involving. It has a twisty turning direction and you’ve done the boy aspect well here. I read through chapter 6 easily and the waft of this story draws one on. It’s nicely crafted – Shelved Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I usually read sci-fi so I was happy to read your book.
‘Well For now” - for.
I like the switch between the two MCs. Handling them both in first person is hard and you have done it well. This is perfect for YA, I can just feel it in every word. It flows at a good pace and I am sure YA readers will be enthralled. I am happy to back your book and wish you luck.

Tony
Life Bringer

Hi Holly,
Your pitch is engaging. I've read the first three chapters and believe SCENT has a lot of potential on Authonomy. Good job! I am shelving your book.
Jane Cooper
The Transformer

You're off to a roaring start and I believe with a bit of polishing here and there you will have a fabulous read. You've creatively sucked me in making me want to see what happens next!

Excellent cover, title and pitch, I love the candle, your writing is exquisite I can just imagine sitting in that freezing car and I hate being cold. This is just wonderful writing that I suspect will do rather well on authonomy, good luck with it. Backed already.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Holly,
The premise to Scent sounds enticing! I like reading books with a love triangle. You have a good pitch. I've starred Scent accordingly. Now, why did you have to use the word "ditzy"??? The words were running so smoothly, too. I would use a different word choice for that one. Just my opinion. =)

All the best,
LL Su ~}¡{~WONDERFLIES~}¡{~

Hello Holly, liked what i read - have backed it these last few days - any chance you could look at mine?
Paula - Ruined Echoes

Holly: The short pitch should be just one question. With the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with that one succinct question. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is a unique story. First, because Aidan has the unusual ability to see inside people because of their smell (not sure that would always work out well, but okay). Second, because it’s a good teen romance. I think you have just the right combination of magic and reality and a love triangle to attract a wide audience of young adults. I’ll add this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Holly

A great premise....

D'you think you need the words in brackets..

so cold, (that) even with my heat on...........so cold, even with my heat on.
dark and wide, (that) it seemed like this town............dark and wide, it seemed like this town.
At least I was a senior, (and ) that meant 100 days.........At least I was a senior, that meant 100 days.....

II didn't think you did.....

I stopped looking because it takes my focus from the story....

screaming a million words a minute......that sounded a bit childish to me.....sort of, didn't fit the context...
I screamed ...............would have been fine...

Brilliant writing....Shelved with pleasure

Scent is imaginative and distinctive in its underlying premise, so it will stand out in this crowded genre. I liked the alternating chapters of the opening giving insights into Emily and Aidan in turn, and you write fluently in an idiom that is pitched just right for the YA audience. It's not my genre, so I can't offer advice, but I think this will do well with the target audience so I'll be happy to back it.

Short quick chapters, kept me hooked into this. The rotating of POV's was nice too. I enjoy a story when I get to know both sides of the lust story. You do a good job at starting this. It would resonate with YA.
I think you should par the paragraphs down. They are a little hard on the eyes. Standard paragraphs are 5-10 sentences. The shorter, the more likely to hold your readers, increase your fluidity.
I think you should put headers in that let the reader know who is telling hte chapter. I have seen this before, most recently the YA novel Shiver. It worked well. Maybe it would here.
This is coming together well. And I can see after five chapters where this is going. I like it. Reminds me a bit of my book from the short pitch.
Backed
T.L Tyson-seeking Eleanor

Hi Holly,

Very interesting premise, nice characterizations and great story idea. My only qualm is that I'm not sure that I believe in your characters motivations. For example Aiden want to take things slow with Bri even though he's drawn to her out of lust? This is quite contradictory and I don't think that you provide us as an audience enough knowledge about him as a person to believe in his decision not to go further with her. why wouldn't he?
You write in such a way that we can hear his thoughts yet at not one point does he think about the reasons why he is holding back sexually with bri.
Not being funny but a bloke who turns a girl down in a jacuzzi is either gay or has a very believable reason as to why not.
My point is i didn't find his character believable at this point. I don't think a bloke would turn down a hot girl in a jucuzzi! (this either means your character is not written realistically, or I have a warped view of men! Which is quite possible.
Anyway I reckon a man wouldn't turn a girl down. Not unless he had a girlfriend? His father died yesterday? He's feeling so under pressure he knows his equipment aint going to work? he is gay? He really, really, really doesn't like the girl.
Or he's a thousand year old vampire and is afraid he will crush his human love of his life accidentally in a moment of ecstasy. Or is a gay thousand year old vampire.
Aside from a few points where i found it difficult to suspend my disbelief I really liked the story. You keep it interesting the whole way though. Quite frankly I read all of it and enjoyed it.

Deloris Collins
Dark Souls

Hey there Holly,
I don't usually read this type of genre but it really caught my interest and I'm impressed with the writing skill/style. Keep it up, looking forward to the rest of the book.

So I came into this expecting to read the first chapter or two and now have found I've read the entire thing! This pulled me in right away and didn't let go. It could use some editing and I think you could add in a little more detail and description in places. Also you change tenses quite a bit. Other than those things I really enjoyed this.
Shelved!
Keary (Branded)

I thought this was going to be a 'Perfume' type story but it is nothing of the sort - good characterisation, plenty of sympathy built up for your MCs and an internal logic - all good stuff. Happy to back, Jim D Serpent's Blood

Dear Holly,

One snowflace - ah, lovely. Emily's voice sizzles, and the first chapter has a great cliff-hanger.
The premise, centering on scent is rather unique and I look forward to read more.
For now I'll back Scent and wish you success.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Holly,

I'm returning your read of Appetites. Thanks again for your wonderful comment and your support of my work.

Short pitch presents an interesting premise. Then in the long version you expand on it, a couple of things you might want to consider:

--two (not 2) unlikely teenagers is normal convention.

--when you write of Emily's depression you start with 'which', I think 'who' would be better here.

--first sentence of second paragraph seems a little clumsy, you might want to look at it.

--and how about telling us the other girl's name?

That probably sound picky, just looking at the pitch, but these 200 words are your chance to sell the work here.

First paragraph is quite long and dense, mainly back story. You also move between tenses a bit: mainly past-tense, but odd fragements like:

--High school has stuck me here for at least another half a year

In fact, looking more closely, you open in past-tense, switch to present, then come back to the past.

Moving on, in the paragraph where the near accident happens, lose the sentence: I was furious. That's telling, it tells something you go on to show us.

Between the opening and the accident, which is where the story really starts, you give us more back story about your main character. For me, this is too much too early. I'd advise getting to that near miss as early as possible.

Second chapter switches PoV seamlessly. And starts well (I'd lose suddenly in the opening paragraph though).

Love the observations (chalk and chees!) and characterisation, 'Her voice scratched my ear drums as if she'd been smoking her whole life.'

I like this chapter, it seems more assured than the first. One question, where is this set? I ask because of Aidan's observation on the girls and the way he contrasts them with where he's come from (you see I'm guessing already that this is somewhere in the North of the states, lets say Wisconsin, and that's he come from LA, and you don't want me getting to far ahead).

Next chapter carries on with the same confidence. I wondered about the delicacy of Emily's line:

'Mom, that looks beautiful. I haven't seen you paint since when dad was alive'

A nice touch might be to say something like:

'Mom, that looks beautiful. I haven't seen you paint . . . in ages'

and that would be an appropriate intro to the back story of Em's father having died.

So, three chapters in it seems to me you have the basis of a good story. The premise is there, you have good observational skills and you capture teens well (my twins are of an age with your MCs) but, I feel anyway, a weak first chapter is letting you down.

I'm giving this a spin on my shelf for it's potential.

Hi there, interesting opening chapter. There's not much of a hint of the "scent" power in the blurb, but we do feel sorry for the girl described and her troubles at home and elsewhere were well documented. There's a bit of a shake both for the reader and the main character when the car zooms into view; we're immediately intrigued and invested in what's happening.

Pat Black
Snarl

I read another four chapters, and the story is holding up well. The "scent" connection makes for an intriguing plot device--strong enough to affect the character but ambiguous enough to keep him off balance--which is exactly what needs to happen. Nice work!

After four chapters, I'm liking this a lot, despite the need for editing out some syntactic and mechanical problems, some of which are acceptable in a first person narrative b/c they help establish voice and tone. Overall very enjoyable read. Shelved.

Hi Holly, The POV’s of Aiden and Emily are agile and led me into this “in lust” and scent problem so that it was involving. It has a twisty turning direction and you’ve done the boy aspect well here. I read through chapter 6 easily and the waft of this story draws one on. It’s nicely crafted – Shelved Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

"....I shut my bedroom door and followed him to sit on my bed."

Nice cliffhanger!

Solid structuring and good pacing, nice touches throughout. Good luck with this (so far) solid story...

- Steve

I usually read sci-fi so I was happy to read your book.
‘Well For now” - for.
I like the switch between the two MCs. Handling them both in first person is hard and you have done it well. This is perfect for YA, I can just feel it in every word. It flows at a good pace and I am sure YA readers will be enthralled. I am happy to back your book and wish you luck.

Tony
Life Bringer

Good dialogue, nice start. backed.

Excellent cover, title and pitch, I love the candle, your writing is exquisite I can just imagine sitting in that freezing car and I hate being cold. This is just wonderful writing that I suspect will do rather well on authonomy, good luck with it. Backed already.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Holly,

I've read the first four chapters of your book. I really like the way that you go back and forth between Emily and Aidan's thought processes. The lead into your book is just catching enough to want to open the book and read to see where it takes you. I think Emily's character is one that a lot of teen girls can relate too. I did think that there could be more explaining of her emotion, something to really pull you audience in to the mind of the character. But that is purely my opinion, they're are your characters so of course you know the best way to tell their story. All around a good story idea, one I was draw too.

Good Luck

L. Gregory

Holly,

I like the premise of your novel. Can you split your full pitch into 2 or 3 paragraphs with a line of white space between each paragraph? Synopses for a novel hould always be written in the present tense.

I'd reword your first two sentences to read:

Aidan Anderson is a seventeen-year-old new to Hallen High. Practically running her over, he meets Emily.

I'm happy to shelve you.

Rodney

You're off to a roaring start and I believe with a bit of polishing here and there you will have a fabulous read. You've creatively sucked me in making me want to see what happens next!

Hi Holly,
Your pitch is engaging. I've read the first three chapters and believe SCENT has a lot of potential on Authonomy. Good job! I am shelving your book.
Jane Cooper
The Transformer

Scent

Hi Holly,

This is a lovely idea, lots of mystery wrapped in a beginning in animosity that develops later into friendship. I think you have created intense scenes but you could paragraph more often in that opening chapters, I would put in quite a bit of white space, makes it a much more accessible read without even having to change the writing one jot. I like where this is going, I have a mind-reader in my story and the compulsion to act to change things is a good narrative hook. Interesting beginning, don't have a lot of time now but will be back to have a further read, but have read enough to know that I will back this book.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)