MINDFORGER

chilling exploration of the consequences of cyrbernetic modification

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

good piece for its genre. great opening, too. and i have to agree....the more time goes by the more wounds we suffer...
j

I need your input on my pitch

KZ,

Mindforger has been on my watchlist for I don't know how long! I finally had a chance to check it out. This is an imaginative piece that works as both straight-up speculative fiction and as theological allegory. I had forgotten that English is not your first language, and really couldn't tell from the text. In fact, the complexity of the language puts this at the literary end of the genre -- not a bad place to be!

The prologue is trippy, as the apparently immortal narrator dreams up the world (or a world) and attempts to interact with its people. For my tastes this section went on a little too long for a prologue, but that's just one opinion. You might consider just tightening up the language. For example, you use the phrase "none the less" at least three times, fairly close together. Do you need all of those, or could you say it another way?

I loved the cat at the end of chapter 2. Cats don't take orders, even from the Admin's proxy. (A cat matching this cat's description is watching me right now).

I noted the following edits for correction:

Prologue

Is this where too where I shall die? Cut one of the wheres and maybe also the too.

miniscule This may be a variant spelling, but my spellchecker doesn't like it, and it looks funny to me, too. I'd spell it "minuscule."

take not of them You want "note"

skin flays of their flesh You want "off their flesh." Also, I think "flay" is something that is done to skin, not something that skin can do. That said, I kind of like this usage, in a horrified way.

Ch 1

Max's wife and younger daughter are never named. I think they deserve names, at the very least, unless for plot reasons he can't remember their names.

His wife looked him Insert "at" before him.

Leena went limb. You want "limp"

He didn't feel them on his cheeks or realized they had come . . . In this construction, you want "realize" to match "feel"

Ch 2

even thought he knew . . . You want "though"

Max wasn't even sure what he'd do once he would find him. You want either "once he found him" or "once he did find him" or even "Max wasn't sure what he'd do if he found him."

the first Grey-Tech tower ever build. You want "built"

though-patterns. You want "thought-patterns". I'm not sure you need the hyphen.

corporal body. You want "corporeal"

and easygoingness You want "an easygoingness"

I fully support Jane Catherine's advice to read the manuscript aloud. It will give a sense of the flow, and it's also a great way to catch misspellings and missing words that spellcheckers can't detect.

Good luck with this ambitious project!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

Hi KZ,
Your imagination is certainly rooted in cyberspace! I like how you portray the antagonist at an invisible entity. My suggestion when you next edit would be to read it aloud or have someone read it to you as there are a few areas that don't flow as freely as you want them to be. For example, at the end of chapter two, your use of the words "Him and His" could be modified or dropped all together.

My book addresses spiritual entities, both dark and light (!) and its even a non-fiction genre. I think you'd click with it.

Jane
The Celestial Proposal: Dare we Join the God-kind?

Hi KZ,
Your imagination is certainly rooted in cyberspace! I like how you portray the antagonist at an invisible entity. My suggestion when you next edit would be to read it aloud or have someone read it to you as there are a few areas that don't flow as freely as you want them to be. For example, at the end of chapter two, your use of the words "Him and His" could be modified or dropped all together.

My book addresses spiritual entities, both dark and light (!) and its even a non-fiction genre. I think you'd click with it.

Jane
The Celestial Proposal: Dare we Join the God-kind?

I read your prologue.

General comments: An engaging start. An interesting main character. Lyrical narrative. Vivid imagery. Good tension in this chapter. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) 'He fears it' is telling. How does this fear manifest? Consider describing the onset of his fear so vividly the reader will experience it along with him. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into the scene.
2) ' ... a light a inside the fading haze.' Remove the second 'a.'
3) 'None has sensed the event of being like him-before it had actually happened.' In my opinion the em-dash should be an ellipsis ( ... ). Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. The break in this sentence seems like a hesitation to me, so an ellipsis is appropriate.
4) 'He doesn't feel anything for feels like an agonizingly long period.' A word seems to be missing from this sentence. Should 'what' be inserted after 'for?'
5) 'Valleys and mountains, rivers and threes begin to ... ' 'Threes' should be 'trees.'
6) ' ... he notices one side of the globe sits incased in darkness, ... ' 'Incased' should be 'encased.'
7) ' ... his chicks gaunt and sunken.' 'Chicks' should be 'cheeks.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

Excellent imagery and well written. An interesting subject although not my particular genre. A few misspellings found that would not show in spellcheck, but all-in-all great read. Highly starred and backed.
Gretchen
"Drágön Spawn"

I agree that "time drags on". You may want to open with a bit more action. I had to resist the urge to skim. The language and imagery is superb but also easy to get lost in.

I can wander off into other worlds, visualise the unthinkable and create the unimaginable but this is too abstract for my taste. Nevertheless, I recognise the skill employed and applaud the poetic influence, which helps the story flow. Nicely constructed and a good premise...should be popular.

As promised (quite some time ago...my apologies) I have read through a portion of Starforger. I must say first off that I really like the title - it has a ring of fascination with the simple combination of words. Which then leads me to the expectation of further fascinating word combination.....and I have not been disappointed!

Authonomy chapter 9, your chapter 7, for example: "His rage blazed over the robotic monster." I can easily visualize the rage that is 'blazing.' Terrific!

On my shelf, good luck to you!
Justis Call
Snow Bound

As promised (quite some time ago...my apologies) I have read through a portion of Starforger. I must say first off that I really like the title - it has a ring of fascination with the simple combination of words. Which then leads me to the expectation of further fascinating word combination.....and I have not been disappointed!

Authonomy chapter 9, your chapter 7, for example: "His rage blazed over the robotic monster." I can easily visualize the rage that is 'blazing.' Terrific!

On my shelf, good luck to you!
Justis Call
Snow Bound

Hi K.Z.

Your pitch (parts of it) look intriguing. But the first sentence/para could be better, I think.

///It looked at him with an expression a human being might recognize as disdain and said,///

Do you really, really need this line? First, I think "it" can be turned into whatever 'it" is. Because, as I read it, I want to envision something scary. I'm only assuming it's scary, based on what follows. Maybe the "it" is not at all scary. See what I mean?

"The greatest enemy of man is his own stupidity." This line is good. I'd keep it.

Then we move into the longer pitch.

For the first para, I'd flip it (and rework it a bit)...

Fascinated by other species' notion of a God, and weary of their purely physical existence, synthetic beings decide to create something they long craved--a soul.

Next para...

On future Earth, transhumanism transcends the concept and crafts a new reality. Individuals become infused with unthinkable power through implants and genetic engineering and thrive in the new world order.

///transcends which concept? The idea of creating a soul?
//what do you mean by a new reality?
//Are the individuals human? How do they relate to your first para where you talk about synthetic beings?
//What new world order?

But for one individual (//Is he human or synthetic?//), nighmares grow indistinguishable from reality. And while in search of the architects (//can you hint who these people might be so I can visualize?//) of his visions and the nature (//can you describe the nature? is it sinister? or quite the opposite?//) of the lucid dream sequences, he gets thrust into an (//recommend deleting: world -of an--) underground syndicate whose members - just like him - are not quite prepared for what truly awaits beyond the veils of mystery and intrigue.

I like the last paragraph. It makes me want to read the book. Nicely done! Feel free to ignore my two cents worth. Best of luck to you! Jean Kinkade

A good, if morbid start, but then it started to get metaphysical, and the action died into a philosophical discussion.

I also thought that there wasn't enough establishing of the fantasy world as background.

I had a bit of difficulty imagining the entire world, possibly as a side effect of too mahy sci fi movies.

When you described the ship, I didn't have any idea of whether you meant a Starship Enterprise, or a Halo shuttle, or a Mind from Iain Banks.

I would appreciate a little more description and more interaction between the philosophy and the action.

however, on the good side, it reminds me of bits of the Empire, Foundation and Empire, and Second Foundation triology by Asimov.

Wonderful writing and great imagery - esp with the destruction of the world in your prologue. Your story then continues in a tyraneous stream of mysterious events so well written it is difficult to stop reading. Bravo!!

On WL and highly starred with a promise to back ASAP.

Mae
'Ignited'

Oh thank goodness you showed me some action from the first paragraph!! But where were adras and logos (good names by the way). If their world is being destroyed, then are they still on it, just standing around, watching? If they were far enough away to be 'safe' then would they really be able to see the soldiers? Would they look if they could???
So you give them a callous kind of characterization right from the start....
With the italics bits, you usually do not need 'tags' such as Adras wondered.
However: who is thinking?? The way the reader will know 'who' it is that is wondering/thinking etc. is by keeping to the same characters POV all the way through, which you have done... however, there are places where the pov almost shifts.... Such as in paragraphs 2, 7 and 9. If you make the pov clear in the first section before the italics bit, then we will know it is adras thinking.
LOL: Selected to talk to aliens... wow, i can relate to that - i've been talking to a lot of aliens lately (haha). Good one..
OK, now the paragraph with the word 'streamlined' in it... Have you ever looked at anyone and thought, " wow, their head is so streamlined!! "
And in this paragraph with the word 'streamlined'... Um, ok... this paragraph will jar the reader in a few ways (in my opinion). The second time you have the word 'his' in this paragraph, we do not know who 'his' is unless we go back and look at the context, but you should be able to write the paragraph without making the reader do that work.
In Chapter 1: It seems you're trying to create mystery by not telling us who "it" and "he" is in this first section. Then you reveal just a few para's down, that one of the speakers is Krom.
When you go in to the dialog bit between Krom and Gaal, I'm not really sure if one of them is the "It" the monster thing?
At the start of chapter 1, you have used the POV of the monster. This is a bold move. wow. I'm not sure whethere I would attempt this pov, especially since there is a definate POV shift from the bit where the followers agreed with Krom. Starting chap 1 from the pov of the monster doesn't allow you to let the other characters describe the monster, and I think this is necessary here.... We don't know what it looks like... And if it had it's first conscious thought in the first para, then how does it understand language?

And talking about language, your use of the English is fantastic. I would assume that English is your first language.
All these problems I have talked about above (pov shifts etc) are things I see in many works on this site. And why are pov shifts a problem? Its not a silly rule, and sure, rules can be broken in fiction... but the rules are there because it has been found that when you don't follow them in fiction, they jar the reader, and confuse the reader. I think you do have the ability and skill to work out what I mean, and you will not have to change a lot to make this piece really good. You have the basis of a wonderful storyline and plot, and generally, your writing is easy to read and follow. You have a good strong voice!!! I have starred you as 'good', because I like the premise of the story and the plot, and I believe that if you do a little more tweaking, then this work has the potential to be successful.
Thanks for sharing.
Monicque. :)

Hi
Your pitch is excellent: Greatest enemy of man............. This is a powerful and inspiring quotable sentence. You plot is interesting. Soon, I will read and comment further. Ajay

very tired, but i wanted to get this book started before I completely dozed off. its been on my watchlist for a while and did an amazing job of keeping me awake! (that says a lot!!) Starred for now. i shall continue later!

Maiya :D

Hi K.Z.

I remember you from back in the day on authonomy. I just spotted you again when I was trawling the website in a late-night stupor, so I popped over for a peek at your work. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Prologue : Wow dramatic start. a dying world. This must have been a hell of a war. No wonder. The enemy sounds as good as immortal. How could anybody hope to defeat such a dread foe? Interesting interaction between Adras and Logos. Is there any point to resistance that ends in anihilation? In principle yes. In practice... maybe it's not the smartest idea ;).

1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "Sadness overwhelmed him. He wished he were somewhere else..." is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing them. If, instead, you wrote something like "Wetness trickled down his cheeks. Why couldn't he be somewhere else?" you'd be showing the reader evidence of his sadness. The reader can then infer the meaning for themself. I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Reading on... Ominous name for the aliens. The construct. It speaks of something vast and immovable and inhuman. Brrr. What were these unknowable aliens after? They seemed set on subjugation or annihilation, but there must be a reason. Hmmm I think there's a mystery here.

Uh oh what is this thing Gaal has made? He insists its not a weapon of war, but I get the feeling it will be hideously powerful. And they've just released it.

I’ve a tiny suggestion here. In general, I think it’s best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don’t really start. They just happen. eg instead of “the air began to thrum” I think “the air thrummed” would work better.

Reading on. Is this white flame Gaal's weapon? It does seem unstoppable. I suspect Adras and Logos are doomed. :(

Chapter 1: Hmmm what was this thing that was just born? It seems malicious, and it can read minds. Why would somebody create such an entity? Ah it seems to be a machine. I wonder if the creators understand just what they've made. They may have real problems controlling or understanding it. Looks like the construct have made this thing. Hmmm and it looks like the construct themselves may be synthetic. That raises the question... what made the construct?

The construct seem to be arguing with themselves about the danger of this new entity. And then, out of nowhere, somebody takes a hand. looks like Krom and his men are destroyed. Did the entity do this? Or did a faction of the construct? Either way, it seems as if the entity learns the ways of the construst fast, demanding surrender by the end of the chapter. Maybe this new entity is the reason for the construct's demands of Earth. Or maybe the construct is demanding surrender from the construct itself in a supreme irony. ;)

Chapter 2: Hmmm why's the administrator trying to deal with the press? what's the story here? I'm sure we'll find out soon.

I've a really small nitpick here. When you say something like "His eyes scanned" it sounds like they're disconnected from the body and wandering about on their own ;). I think something like "he looked at..." would work better, ;)

Reading on... We get a mysterious woman coming with an offer too good to refuse. But who is she and why is she making such an offer? Suspicious.

Then we're with Chase, staring at Jupiter. Why's the red spot swollen so hugely? Another mystery. Could this be something to do with the construct? Cool portal tech, by the way. ;) Ah then we seem to learn the reason for the disturbance hinted at earlier in the chapter. Tension withing the population about this transhumanist movement. It seems as if nature can be hugely improved upon by tech in this strange future world. No wonder there are such disturbances.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, generally, it's best to avoid adverbs as a strong verb almost always does a better job than a verb-adverb pair. eg I think in “effortlessly working his way through..." the verb doesn't best describe the motion, so the adverb's been added to prop it up. I think a stronger verb could do the job on its own, without need for an adverb at all. eg I think something like “weaving his way through..." would work. I only ever use an adverb when there isn’t a verb that completely describes the meaning I want to convey. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing comes down ro just picking verbs. ;)

Reading on. the murder was a shock. Looks like things have reached boiling point. And it looks like Chase is out to thwart this administrator's plans. Who or what is this subject? What's the administrator trying to do? So many questions. So much intrigue. :)

OK I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. Each question seems to create a new, deeper question. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store.

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete

KZ,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

Here we have a situation were the jewel of your narrative also happened to it's weakness.

By that what I mean is the landscape shot. There is a reason why every Scy Fy movie spends 30% of its budget on the first 3 minutes of filming, and that reason is the landscape shot.

Think of the start of AI. The Fifth Element. Start Trek. 2001

They all start with the painting of a world the reader has never seen; deeply visual, deeply poetic, a world whose poetic vision is 'thick' enough to seduce the reader to engage in the kind of suspension of disbelief that is required to sustain all the fantastic premises Scy Fy promises..

a visual world that says to the reader....

......come...for...this you have never seen

Your start fulfils the intent but not the promise.

For, the idea of Armageddon as a start, while the hero goes through an existential crisis is a very original one in it's conception, a reason why is the jewel....

what is missing is the poetic, concrete, deeply visual language that would fulfill the potential of your initial scene.....

....not enough of it, not sufficiently visual....it doesn't resonate enough.

So, stay with the idea....just polish it further.

As you requested.......zero bullshit

David

Goood Pitch

It's intriguing to think war on earth might end only to give way to war between fhe worlds. Perhaps, once both combatants recognize that extinction is the price of failure, the end of a species, war will take on new meaning.

Will add to my bookshelf as soon as space opens up. Intersting story.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

Hi K.Z,

This is good, original, and for the most part very well-written.

You do have the occassional tense slip, suc as in the prologue you have 'know' which should be 'knew. Also, in chapter one, a couple of time you use the word bare when you mean bear.

But overall, a great story.
Ron

I liked this enough to read to Ch 7. The concept of creating a soul is wonderful, and there are touches in each chapter which spark the imagination - when Shell sees the symbols, for instance, and recognises them from his dream. Quite a metaphor, altogether, for over-mechanisation. JRM
A FEAST OF TALES and
GOOD FOR HIM

Ingenious, detailed, a truly different world where teleporting is common and mind powered machines help the hero at every stage. But is Chase really helping Shell? I must confess to being totally confused by the plot but enjoying the ride! Will star and watchlist

K Z -

Starforger - the premise intrigues. Prologue: Rihart and Orm have a banter that suggests bonded friendship. I'll have to find out what happened to 'the woman'. They escape from Gey-Tech research center to earth through a portal. Lucic dreaming, travelling into the infinite, birth and death tied together, these are fascinating themes and would make me read on, not least because the style of writing is quite elegant, with unusual phrases. Refreshing my early comment, sending Starforgers a handful of stars and wishing you the best success. I just discovered your new book, so will take a look.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

A unique story, with the thrills of knowing what's going on, not only in a human mind, but in an alien's as well. An opening line that chills you to the core, with a thrilling tale coming immediately after, and you hardly expect it. Well written, with wonderful detail, life-like imagery, and imagination beyond any i've seen so far.

-Rachelle

Secrets: Book one-- To Save Ella

From what I read (up to chapter 2), it has a nice storyline! I think I'm going to back it for a while! And read the rest!

Cheers,

Jeremie

Hi K. Z.,

I had read quite a few chapters of your book in the past. This time I read some of the later chapters and I still feel this is an exquisite piece of Science Fiction. Happy to reback and give 6 Stars.

Good Luck,

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

This novel contains a theme of psychological analysis. Think of man is leading him. Evolution of thinking in his mind is making each incident. A type of evolution of thinking is making in novelist’s mind and when it emerged out, it became a good novel. You are deserving appreciations from every where.

Joy J Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

I’ve read the first several chapters of Starforger. It is an evocative read, with plenty of colorful detail to capture the attention and make the story concrete. The descriptions of the Red Eye looking over Europa really struck me as sublime. The vocabulary is admirable, too; perhaps English being your second language means that you’re more careful with choosing your words than some native speakers.

I did have a number of usage quibbles, generally instances in which you’ve written in the way that people speak English rather than the way they write it, which is okay in dialogue, I think, but not so much in narration. Rather than enumerate them, maybe I’ll just point you to my favorite book on usage, punctuation, commonly-made mistakes, etc: “The Elements of Style” by Strunk & White. It also has a very good section on style. I live by it. It’s a short book and very cheap. The only other thing I would suggest would be more narrative detail so that the text doesn’t read so much like manga. But maybe that’s just my old-fashioned prejudices speaking.

Overall, above-average writing for this site. I’m giving it a good rating. Good luck. --Raphael

Your first three sentences confused me...Nothing could prepare him for the spectacle, yet in the next two sentences you say he knew from the start what the result would be. The third sentence lacks a subject who knew, though I did understand what you were trying to say. My favorite line in the prologue was 'it's mass spilled the oceans,' that really did the trick for fixing the proportion of the ship's size in my mind. You use great imagery, and I only found one or two picky little grammar thingies in each paragraph. Your English is fine, you just need to buckle down and do a massive, line-by-line edit. The premise is scary enough, and your story flows and keeps me interested. I'm going to put you on my watchlist and check back later to see if you are editing. The story and your skill are both much too good to commit less than 100%. If it takes a year to get it right, will it have been worth it? You are getting close to the editor's desk, and I hope you don't squander your chance...

Forrest -- Council of the Ark

I planned to read one chapter and comment tonight. Then I had to read another. Then another, then etc etc. I have finished eight chapters and I am hooked. You keep the reader's interest and the tension throughout. Well done. Backef - with stars.

BTW - thanks for backing The Witness Tree

Patricia West Hays

The beginning has too much similarity to the hitchhikers galaxy for me

STARFORGER
By K.Z. Freeman.

I would buy your book; it’s a thrilling read and keeps the reader involved.
For a Sci Fi book, it’s one of the best. Great description here, and very colorful writing. Your book starts off well and continues to do so throughout.
Very cleverly written and deserves backing.
SHELVED and RATED.


Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Thought provoking and gripping story. Backed.

Ohhh, this is good. Peter F Hamilton good. I am genuinely impressed, which is not easy to do with sci fi... it's my own trade, and I hate to see adept competition! You've nailed the sense of momentum and crushing doom that good apocalypse-opera needs, and for that I applaud you. Now I'd love to hear your take on 'Elysium Burning'...

I backed your book in the 'old days'. I have room on my shelf for one book and for now I will place yours there. When you have room I would appreciate your consideration.

Herschel Shirley
Earth Reaver & The Jaded Throne

I backed your book in the 'old days'. I have room on my shelf for one book and for now I will place yours there. When you have room I would appreciate your consideration.

Herschel Shirley
Earth Reaver & The Jaded Throne

A gripping start; descriptive and immediate, although some of the descriptions feel, to me, a tad overly dramatic and over-written. Elesewhere, though, the style is strong and the vision is striking.

One little nit, I think it should be "melded" rather than "meld" as Adras and Logos join the fight.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Well, I couldn't resist a read. I have, at the start, a couple of minor points - one, the names. If they are the last of humankind, could they not have regular names? That way we identify with them as 'us' and feel we know them, and you also avoid the common sci-fi problem of people thinking up unlikely names for a future scenario. Somehow ordinary names makes it more real. Second - rather on the same tack: mentioning that their weapons are 'plasma' weapons could come over as 'info-dump.' If we are really in this world, we know what they are. You only need to say weapons - but that may be me.

Now for the rest: really enjoyed it. It's kind of a mix between sci-fi and philosophy. Parts of it are standard sci-fi fare, and parts very reflective and deep. The scenario is all too possible with the advent of cyber life and cloning, so seems not far fetched at all, and there's something quite sad about witnessing the possible end of our own kind. Did you choose the name Logos deliberately? You are probably aware that logos (the Word) is a continuing element in many world religions, ancient and more modern as being the creative force behind all things.

You spammed me, you got me. I shall go on reading, shall watchlist and may even give it a spin on my shelf at the next fair change over time (if it continues to entertain me. ;) )
Cariad.
STONES.

This is excellent.
Well-written although there were one or two clumsy sentences, which I'm sure you'll revise when you edit.
The characerisations are good and the narrative prose tight.
Like it!
Backed.

I backed this wonderful book before, I left it on my watchlist because I was sure it would go all the way to the editors desk. So I'm backing it again.

Pamela Frost
Houses of Cards

Love your story. Good science fiction. Backed.

Hi KZ

I read the first chapter of this some while ago and thought I'd swing by again and read some more. This really has the feel of classic science fiction - complex, challenging, keeps the reader on its toes, and the opening, for some reason, reminds me of that opening battle in the Lord of the Rings movie - that same feeling of doom and the end of civilisations.

Nicole
Chosen

KZ, I won't nit pick! Yours is a good story, fantastic imagination and a wonderful read. I see similarities and parallel to the real life that is happening around me - I don't whether you intended that. Complete it! Backed. Hanyxxx

Hi KZ
Finally got round to having another look at Star Forger. My comments are a mixture of nit-picks concerning particular words and grammar, and more general terms about description and clarity. Remember these are only my thoughts, just my opinion. So here goes..

Unravelling... this refers to something like ball of string or a carefully laid plot that is not going the way it was planned. Unfolding might be a better word.

Overlooked the crater... This is almost ok, but not quite. Overlooked means to miss something. ‘He was such a nice guy that they overlooked his shortcomings.’ Gazed down into, would be more suitable.

I would suggest that the far edge of the crater marked the horizon as opposed to disappearing over it. This way you would still have the sense of looking into a crater. Otherwise it would be more like looking down a wide curving slope.

I wouldn’t say ‘A’ rumble of war, I would say, ‘The’ rumble of war raged below them, filling the air with ‘the’ vapours of its chaos.

…their forms disappearing in waves under the enemy’s suppressive onslaught. I know you are thinking of suppressive fire, but it doesn’t quite read as such. Maybe you could consider something like… ‘disappearing in waves beneath the ferocity of the enemy’s fire, the fallen constantly replaced by the ranks of those behind. Such courage, such blind, unquestioning courage.’ This last just adds a touch of emotion, a human element to what is taking place.
The next paragraph illustrates some of the problems that don’t register on first reading. There is some nice imagery here, but it is slightly contradictory and so loses effect. You build up the homeworld army by telling us that they cleave everything in their path and that their hands are weapons of vengeance etc. But then you say that these are meagre tools! Then the description of the enemy’s weapons reads a little clumsily. Again I can see what you are trying to achieve, but the subtleties undermine the effect. Here’s how a small change might work better…
***
Enemy numbers were boundless, their ship an ominous mass above the crater. In its shadow the homeworld army cleaved everything in its path, but it was not enough. Their hands were instruments of vengeance, their plasma weapons a means to deliver molten death, but it was not enough. Troops of the fallen foe would reanimate, torn limbs would regrow, shattered skulls rebuild, it was hopeless. Even the smallest of their handheld weapons were more powerful than the howeworld’s mounted canons, spewing beams of electric fire in wild arcs, each impact nullifying an area around it.
***
The next line has a couple of issues. You say, ‘Even from afar,’ which suggests the battle is taking place some miles away. This is fine in itself, but later you have them jumping down into the crater, a crater which is more than thirty miles across and therefore must be several thousand feet deep. This suggests that you don’t have a fully formed image in your mind. You then use a description for his deep tone of voice which seems a little false. Maybe you could say… ‘Even from this distance the explosions shook the air, the force of them reverberating in Adras’s chest. Everything is dying,’ he said in a voice to match the deep resonance of war.
I love the description of the mother ship as ‘shrouding the planet,’ its mass great enough to, ‘spill the oceans.’ It is this kind of description that makes me believe you have something worthwhile here. I also love the idea of the ‘call’ to surrender resonating through every mind on the planet.
The next paragraph suffers a little from overkill I think. Obliterating entire continents! Obliterate just one continent and the entire world would be instantly uninhabitable. That much energy would wipe out all life on Earth. Maybe toning it down a little would make it more believable and therefore give it more impact.
Knowing their scale to the top of the crater… The word isn’t correct here. Yes you scale a mountain, but you would never say, ‘That was a good scale.’ Climb or scramble would work better.
A collective of technicians and tactical personnel stood all around him, scattered over the kilometer high, stacked platforms… Woah! Way too much vague description for one sentence. ‘Like glass filled with… Like dark stains of silk…’ This is a key paragraph in which you are trying to convey the scale and strangeness of this alien species… Take your time. These are weird concepts that the reader is struggling to envisage. You don’t have to be too specific, but the picture you convey needs to be comprehensible and effective. Again lock the image in your head until you can see it clearly, then pick out the details that the reader needs to know. All this description detracts from the two new characters that you have introduced. We gloss over their names and don’t pay attention to what they are saying because their words are lost in a great slab of description.
A little later we come to this paragraph… ‘From our ashes…’ This contains the first example of a simple mistake that I think you make throughout the first few chapters, namely writing ‘though’ instead of ‘thought’. I might be wrong, but do a spell check and see if this keeps cropping up. The rest of this paragraph is very muddled. I had to read it several times to see what you were trying to say…
‘From our ashes a new race will rise.’ Adras voiced the thought as if it had only just occurred to him and yet it was the one thought that enabled him to hold on to his courage; a thought so deeply buried that it was only now, as he stood face-to-face with death, that it rose to the surface of his mind. From the ashes a new race will rise.’

Well KZ, that’s all I have time to write just now. To summarize I would suggest that you visualize each scene thoroughly before you try to describe it. Once it is real in your mind every reference you make to it will be consistent. For reference it’s fine to use other sci-fi and fantasy books as a template, but the gravity of ‘fantasy speak’ comes from much deeper in the English language. Read through Shakespeare and even the bible and you will see where the origins of this weighty speech comes from. Become more familiar with these and your own writing will follow suit.
You have some superb images and original ideas in Star Forger and some of your descriptions are really effective. I think if you can deliver the information with a little more clarity then the whole book will work better.
This is a long comment I know, but I hope you can find something useful within it. I wish you all the very best…
Peter

Hi KZ
Just been reading some of Star Forger and I think, for the first time ever, I don't quite know what to say. Yes there are occasions when it's clear that English is your second language, but that is not what's confounding me. At times it reads like fairly standard sci-fi material but then I get the sense that it has more to offer than that.

As I write this I'm thinking that maybe your style has not yet made itself known to you. A strange thing to say, but I'll try to explain. You use the format and vocabulary of an action-based science fiction book, but some of the concepts that you touch on would be more in keeping with someone like Dan Simmons. At times it feels as if I am hearing your voice and I find that more interesting than the more familiar stuff.

I will dip into the middle of the book and see if things become clearer for me.

I'll get back to you with some more useful comments, but I just thought I'd give you my first impressions.

Cheers, for now
Peter

Ach, I've been thinking about the struggle to get published and how depressing it can be. You phrase 'a futile path to extinction' catches my eye in this regard. I may end up reading your story as a metaphor for this struggle we are all engaged in. We might not be facing bolts of electric death, but the end result, certainly for our precious works is a kind of slushpile death, at least for most of us. The constructs are all the philistines that stand between us and gloire, sneery advertising copywriters on big salaries, political speech writers, and other word abusers who work for THE TYRANTS. The kind of dudes who own half the media and ... ahem. Sorry Mr.Burdock sir! Gawd bless you sir, you 'as a lucky face, a very, very lucky face sir!

Arf, arf... I instantly thought of certain corporate constructs and their operatives as micro human constucts with their mantras about building a better company, thinking the right way -- about social issues for goodness sake, being 'nice' being correct, being ... a pliant slave to their will. I was more fascinated by the question 'Was it worth it? To resist.' than the actual battle scene, the internal battle. Will read on tmr. No it's not worth it, is my view. Right now, early in the morning, I feel that manoeuvering round and beyond evil is better than grappling with it. But I might feel more like a fight in the morning. But even then I wld not invade Iraq. We will clearly face the tyranny question again and again, esp as the desire to micro manage our lives and produce tidy, nice societies, like Singapore, evolves. Anarchy!

Convincingly told. Easily suspended my disbelief to follow the action, gasping. I also liked the dialogue. For instance, 'dispatching your cyborg ass' in Ch 9. You've achieved a difficult thing, getting believable colloquial interchanges in beings we have yet to imagine. Great stuff. Backed
Lara
Good for Him