Horrorscape

Hi there,

The first impressions of this novel are very favorable. With a title, summary and introduction like that, together they effectively draw readers in like a hook, line and sinker. The perspectives of each characters give the game a whole new dimension without being over repetitive with the details and your dialogue and description paints a clear mental picture. As a reader, I can also feel the fear and suspense along with the main character like a true horror story.
Overall, well done, and I wish you all the best. I'll be definitely coming back for more in the future.

Backed of course, quite a while ago actually :)

I think it's pretty safe to say that i'm obsessed with this story.This book is definitely creepy, I read most of the chapters with my hand over my mouth. Although, I'm sure that's what you intended. I love the idea of the chess board (I may never be able to look at chess the same way again) and the black and whites and the pawns and white king. Very intriguing, and very well written. I love your style of writing as well as the characters in this book. GM is interesting, he seems to have a two-sided personality. He doesn't seem all bad (although he is intense and super creepy). And I really love the name Valerian. So overall, a great read and I hope that you get published one day. I would love the see this in print!
With that said, would you please update it? I would very much like to know what happens next. :)

Very intriguing. The blend of - good word - arachaic and modern is stiking. We get the impression of something very far from Valerian's world is at work here. You vary the tone of voice and the phrasing to make this work and fill the text with subtle menace. The messages and the texts sent to her are sinister and disturbing, but we can feel her being drawn slowly in. I've only read a few chapters, but you had no problem hooking me in. On my watchlist for now.
Cariad
STONES.

Wow, wow, wow. i haven't read something this intense in a long time. This story reminds me of the Agatha Christie novel And Then There Were None. I really love the sick and twisted character GM. He really suits the story. Though sometimes the story is a little hard to follow (it seems that you make leaps without fully explaining what is going on), I have really enjoyed every moment of this story.

Cheers

~~sharky

Exceptionally well written piece of suspense, I really managed to get into the shoes of the characters. I found your writing style to be encapsulating and I didn't want to stop reading. I am sure this is a book we will see in print one day and I will be at the front of the queue to purchase a copy.
Good Luck

This is one of those stories not suited to a computer screen - one that cries out to have pages one can turn as they lie reading in bed. It has the feel and meter of any of John Sanfords "Prey" series - something I consider a real compliment as they are among the best written "Serial Killer" novels in the genre. I'm very glad to have come across it and be able to add my name to the others supporting it.
Jim Coplin
Bite Mark

Nenia,

Horrorscape reads easy. You don't rush the story but you don't waste time either. You might check for a bit of redundancy. Good luck.
Jeremy McClure
The Eternity Prize
Bloodline
The Quiet Monk Inn

Hi -- the first three chapters read very well and I liked the style. It's got a hauntingly eerie mood, produced by your fine narration. The premise is most intriguing and your character's have depth and realism. Well done.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Iv take valerian root when I can't sleep :)

I loved the predator prey opening--sensed it was leading to a human relationship. The POV character is wonderful. A balance of delicate and creepy. The way he described Valerian was fantastic--as she was, nothing more, nothing less, and his odd feelings toward her. I thought the first chapter had a lot of tension overall. I'm amazed this is YA. I bet it will have a lot of crossover potential. I'd buy it.

Also, everything is order. Not only do I notice yo uemploy many advanced writing techniques, but your grammar and punctuation are clean too--this is polished.

Backed.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

You've got a great voice. Not the one I was expecting at all. There is an elegance about your writing which took me by surprise. I almost felt I was being narrated to by a much older voice, one from another time of the upper classes. It worked well, because I was expecting something a little more modern urban and curse filled. One of those attempts to be gritty that I have tired off. This was fresh and very enjoyable. It was a pleasure to read and as such I was happy to back it!
David
Bailey of the Saints

This is brilliant, really intense and mysterious. I'm loving and hating GM right now. I like the fact that he has a real serious flaw (arrogance doesn't count in my book). I have to say I love crazy people. In literature, anyway.
Can't wait for the next chapter(:

This is a good story. Val is an easy character to get to know and like. And want to follow to see how this all plays out. Although everything in the beginning is going pleasantly enough, you've built in an ominous tone from the beginning that pervades this. Makes it a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Nenia, where did you learn to write like that? That first chapter of Horrorscape is wickedly good. I certainly am not qualified to nitpick there. Well, what can I fault? Let's see... [His face fell] I don't mind that expression, but some readers take issue with the ambiguity of it.

Again, this is great work. Sincerely backed.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

What a superb pitch - sucked me right in! Wonderful prose and excellent dialogue! WOW and Backed!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Nenia,

Horrowscape - He loved the courtship between predator and prey. His pray was Valerian Kimble. What a letter she receives - strange words, weighing her down. She had a penchant for a tormented boy before, but this one plays a mysterious and gothic game, giving a party in his parent's grand house. It's open game. A haunting tale, expertely told.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Hey Nenia,
I followed you from FP. Yeah, plaigerism was a big thing on FP - there are a few other authors I really enjoy who, too, took down many stories due to plaigerism. Anyway, I completely flipped out when I found you reposted Horrorscape here, for it was removed before I was able to finish it on FP. I noticed you left out the original prologue with Val in the art room. It works.

There's nothing really negative I can say about this - your description, suspense, and the "twistedness" of the game leave me wanting more. I even found myself whispering, "Don't open the door, don't open the door," a few time while reading, and checking almost everyday to see if you posted more. I personally enjoy the short sentences - they create an atmosphere of tension, stress, and suspense, as if the characters thoughts are slightly scrambled due to the sadistic game they found themselves in. I'm also excited to see Cloak and Dagger up too!

I was wondering, thoug, if you're going to be updating Horrorscape anytime soon?

Keep up the good work. Definitely backing this and adding it to my shelf.

- Skarlette

Your pitches are unusually short but work really well - as does your book cover. The book itself has a good start that pulls in the reader. You write with excellent pace. Dialogue and scene setting are clever. The only possible criticism I can think of, for improvement, is to edit your longer sentences carefully, and make sure of your punctuation. Backed with pleasure. Colin

This really drew me in and makes me very eager for the next update....please update!

Love the short pitch and great opening with an enticing hook at the end of each chapter to keep the storyline progessing and keep the reader guessing. Some of this is a little too wordy and a little crop here and there will help the pace, but otherise good and therefore backed.

Creepy. I like the opening and the dialogue is very real. The ending of the Chapter definitely makes you want to turn the page and keep going. Please excuse me while I do that :) Shelved

Dan-
Eunice Stubbins

Great start with this...would-be lover? Serial killer? We know he doesn't mean her any good, being as he wants to be a predator.

The dialogue between Lisa and Val sparkles too. Of course, I hate James. Any normal guy would.

I must admit the school talk went on a bit, though. But the flowers and the note were chilling.

Terrific work.

I read your chapter 12 at random and can see why this was so popular on fiction press - well written dialogue and credible action. I love the questions in this chapter - hinting at much more to come. I'm going to leave a few more comments in your inbox, but I wanted to let you know that I liked the read. Good luck to you.

The pitch for Horrorscape seems a bit thin - I'd like to see a little more about the narrative arc of the book, the key characters and a few events along the way to whet my appetite. The opening words about predator and prey grabbed me, though, and the opening is certainly spooky enough to appeal to the YA audience. Your 'chatty' style and idiom also plays to the chick lit genre, and you have the knack of leaving a page turner at the end of a chapter [like GM vanishing at the end of C3]. Overall this is a good read well suited to its target audience that I'll be happy to back.
One niggle - this is not my genre, but IMHO the adjectives [slightly suggestive wink; half-hearted swat], dialogue qualifiers [she said somewhat breathlessly] and flowery similes [sounding like a horny schoolgirl with strep] could do with hard pruning back. Good luck.

Nenia

Saw my book on your shelf, so here I am to nosey at yours....

Opening.... I didn't feel 'grounded' there was no time or place....and the use of 'He' as opposed to a name, means I didnt meet the character....I wont know him when he next comes into the story....(you may want it that way, perhaps the reason for hiding his identity comes later).....

Campus of Derringer High School...OK , now I feel like I'm in the story, but have no idea how far forward / back I've gone from the 'Opening' so at this point I have more questions than answers .......

Horror and Thriller writers are under pressure to keep to pace, even when filling in background.....Short sharp sentences do much to 'speed the read'

Creatures (that had been) known throughout history.... .....Creatures known throughout history....(no need for 'that had been' )

He felt (that) he himself ..........He felt, he himself.
so quietly (that) his breath......so quietly his breath.....

The word symbols, 3 times in a couple of lines, not sure if that was intentional but it sounded repetitive to me.....

I thought......hair flared with color.....conjured great imagery.....

Loved the punchy ending to loaded chapter one.....Shelved with pleasure...

Hi, Nenia. I could have sworn I'd already read this. Pitch looks good- a bit on the short side, though. Looks like an interesting read. Writing is competent and the story sound great. Read the 3 chapters you have posted and I think it will do well here. Very competent writing and I really hope you finish it. On my shelf. and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Hi,

I really like this story a lot. The opening was skillfully written and hypnotic. There is no trouble in drawing the reader in. Great work. Good luck with it. Backed.

Sara (The Organ Grinder)

Ooo good plot, loads of tension, nice dialogue.
Backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

This is slick, well-written and with a mounting feeling of creepiness - when they get to the party and find everyone wearing white, and the enigmatic GM, is great, nicely understated but still menacing. Val's an interesting MC, and I can see she'd be easy for a YA audience to relate to. Backed - great stuff.

Hi Nenia, The outset had lyricism and pace. Good style. Val’s message after at the principle’s office was certainly weird. I was surprised the administrator’s hadn’t looked at it. The mysterious host and his party work as catalyst and that movement drew me into the story. Liked the dialogue and the adventurousness of the characters. This has the elements that captivate the teenage age group and then what? Shelved – Katherine

I think this is pretty good, but I have to take issue with the opening. Sorry, it's just that I am really really fussy about openings. It's not that there is one right way to do an opening, I certainly wouldn't claim that. There are lots of ways to write an opening that can be good. But the problem is that no matter how many ways there are of producing good writing, there are infinitely more ways of producing bad writing. Analogy with evolution: no matter how many ways there are to be alive, there are infinitely more ways to be dead. I had a long dialogue at one stage with Melanie Murphy (cellardoor) on this site about the opening to her book. She agreed with me eventually and worked her way up to the editor's desk anyway that's another story. My difficulty with your opening is that maybe it's just a little bit too philisophical for the very start of the book. The problem is that you haven't really put your world into the reader's head yet, simply because you haven't yet an opportunity to do so: that is what the opening means. In my personal and very humble opinion, the opening is the time to open your world, not to speculate about the philisophical nuances of a world that doesn't exist. Your world does not exist until you create it in the reader's head.
Anyway, despite my quibbling over the opening I did like this in general and am happy to offer my support and backing :-)

I've already backed this, but can't see my comments, or find my reading notes. A failure to load malfunction, I suppose. I loved the premise, strong YA material, very cleverly written, albeit with a fair few typos that I'd made notes of on my first reading. Loads of promise and delighted to see it doing so well.
Already backed.
Jared.

So little time today... but I wanted to back this for its promise, and will hopefully be back myself for more reading and comments!

Ruth/Base Spirits

First of all, there were a few mistakes that I picked up while reading

Chapter 4, when GM was introducing the game to everyone, I think you might have left out a few lines.

' "[GM] I was thinking along the lines of something more... familiar" ... Blake said, hesitantly, "Isn't that a children's game?" '
During the conversation, you forgot to mention the name of the original game that made Blake comment on it, I'm guessing you meant "Hide and Seek"?

Chapter 7, at the door when Lisa asked why he threw it at her, GM replied
"You were the closet"
Closest you mean.

Your writing style is good, but the errors interrupt the flow. However, they can be easily fixed, and I'm sure other people have pointed out more helpful suggestions than these.

My overall reaction of Horrorscape was positive. Your story was very riveting as the careful build up of suspense captured the reader's attention until the very last word.

What I particulary liked was your use of symbols and motifs. The first one, chess was obvious, but effective. The technical terms fitted well with the progression of the game, and also adding sinister undertones with words such as "capture" "pawn" and "checkmate". References to animals, names and flowers were well used and I can tell you did enough research.

What at first seemed like a harmless childish game turned into something a lot darker, even a little sadistic at times. People actually get hurt, or worse; it's definitely not your typical horror story.
Everything is real. There's no supernaturalism or magic that drives the plot.

The story suits the target audience, so I'm glad you didn't go overboard with the moderate rating. The graphic violence and gore might be absent, but it isn't any less creepy and spine-chilling.

I had enjoyed reading this book, and good luck for reaching the editor's desk!

Shelved :)

Nenia, it's smoothly written but makes the reader uneasy. And there's an air of cruelty, even sadism from the references to Valerian etc. I'm not sure I would have been able to read this as a YA, but maybe I was too impressionable. It seems to me most people would be fascinated by this ingenious story, written with talent. Shelved. Lynn

I'm impressed, seriously impressed.
You can build a plot well laced with tension and with subtle under tones of horrors to come. Well targeted at the teen audeince.
It does need a little editing, the infamous "that" word. Look at each one carefully and ask yourself do you really, really need it.
Good luck! Backed.

This is a wonderfully creepy, unsettling read.....reminded me a little of The Game (now renamed, think it's Play or Die) in which the MC is thrust into a game she cannot avoid - with potentially deadly consequences. I really like your writing a lot - it's spot-on for the teen audience and doesn't fall into the cliches that are so common in this genre.
Just one thing really snagged me. I studied herbalism for a while and valerian (as a medicine) smells and tastes disgusting. It's a really strong herb used with great caution for insomnia and as a herbal alternative to anti-anxiety medication. So that sort of bothered me.
But otherwise, nice job...backed
Jane
WALKER

Hi, I've followed you over here from Fictionpress. This story is weirdly frightening; I have no idea what's going on (in a good way). One thing - you still have the first chapter of the sequel up on your FP, meaning that the end of this has been spoiled for me by the summary of Horrorscape II. You might want to change the summary to prevent accidental spoilers.
Thanks, and shelved.

Hi there,

The first impressions of this novel are very favorable. With a title, summary and introduction like that, together they effectively draw readers in like a hook, line and sinker. The perspectives of each characters give the game a whole new dimension without being over repetitive with the details and your dialogue and description paints a clear mental picture. As a reader, I can also feel the fear and suspense along with the main character like a true horror story.
Overall, well done, and I wish you all the best. I'll be definitely coming back for more in the future.

Backed of course, quite a while ago actually :)

Read 1-4.
Very well written...excellent dialogue. I like the chess analogy. I can see this appealing to your target audience.
Shelved
Frank

Fantastic writing. Really exceptional.

I've read all seven chapters of your book, well plotted with particularly strong chapter endings and a promising character in the enigmatic and distinctly unsettling GM. This is well aimed at the YA readership, young girls will be drawn right into it.
I wondered at the brevity of your pitch, but having read the sections you've uploaded I think it works best as a teaser. Less can indeed be more in the right hands.
I took notes occasionally as I read, but I see now that you've had editorial advice recently, which covered everything I'd noted. You'll need a strong edit to tighten this up, but the basics are all in place and this is an excellent premise.
Shelved for potential.
Jared.

Dear Nenia,

After reading your first chapter, I backed "Horrorscape" and returned to reread in more detail. My first impressions were sustained--that you write well, developing your characters through action and dialogue, with good pacing, only essential description, and consistent POV. The following are notes I took--minor, but you want the opening to be flawless.

--Delete [//Opening] after [Chapter One]. Treat it as a section, like those that follow, or name the chapters.
--Change [day of his death, where] to [day of his death, when].
--Delete the comma after [home of the broncos].
--In the phrase [initial honeymoon period], delete [initial] and [period], unless you want Lisa to sound redundant.
--Hyphenate [sea foam].
--Delete [that] after [Everyone was telling her]. You don't need it, and you've used [that] three times in the para.
--Change [Val was jerked] to [She was jerked]. The pronoun will suffice.
--Change [by Lisa saying] to [Lise said]. Awk.
--[blow him off] could be taken the wrong way.
--Delete [were] after [more difficult than hers].
--Cap [she paused and added in a sour voice], making it a separate sentence.
--Change [the sweatshirt he was wearing] to [his sweatshirt].
--Would James kiss Val on the mouth, in school? Maybe on the cheek would be more likely.
--Does all that chatter about calculus and geometry further the story?
--Delete [A reprieve was a reprieve]. Redundant. Weakens the para.
--Change [worked in there] to [worked in Administration]. Confusion with nurse's office.
--Antecedent problem: [unimpressed look when she walked in]. When who walked in?
--Unclear reference: [an invite to open attack to jokes]. How can "Miss Fields" be funny?
--Shouldn't Miss Fields have a higher position than "secretary"?
--How does Val know it's a [boy sending her things]. Could be a teacher.
--Delete [old] from [old parchment].
--Insert [old] before [calligraphy]. "Calligraphy" alone means handwriting.
--Delete [in the box]. Redundant.
--Last sentence, delete parens and add a period.

Surely you can use some, if not all, of these suggestions. And you might take a look at my books, "The Doctor of Summitville," "Call Home the Child," and "Annabella and Other Stories." May your journey to The Desk be a short one. --Bill

I started out, just wanting to read a couple paragraphs to get the feel for your writing. Then I got hooked into the story - very much wanting to know what happens next. I don't have any nit picking or negatives to give you and I enjoyed the story very much. I can't wait to see where it's headed!

Lori -- Beauty's Beholder

Perfect for your intended audience. I know girls at my school would love this. Well done! Backing.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

Nenia,
I really liked the sinister build up of the character from the start.
Maybe a re-edit would be in order to remove some capitals and I question a tense issue in the first sentence, but other than those tiny niggles, its well written and travels at a good pace.

Good luck with it

JanB
Table for One

Horrorscape

Hi Nenia,

Great title, creepy beginning, worrying chap. I love the short chapters and the episodic style, very post-modern and goes with the ADHD attention span we all now have from digital media... It flies by and I was drawn in quickly and efficiently and you have another one for me to review yet as well. Welcome to the site, you will do well I predict and I will mention your book to friends, an excellent example of a book to scarce the willies out of teenagers.

Well done, best wishes and good luck and welcome to the site, I hope it is as helpful to you as it has been for me.
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Christmas Shelf :-)

Love the dialogue, love the straight into the action elements of chapter 1

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Like a lot of the Y/A books here I think is this is for adults as well. The delightfully intimate relationship between predator and prey is a chilling opening. This is a young man who has serial killer written large in his future. Definitely pure evil. You write beautifully with fluent descriptions and easy dialogue.

Give a moment to clear some space on my shelf and I'll back this.

Nicholas ("The Warlock") - Horror/Thriller

Er, hey.
Just came to show my support :)
This is where all the cool kids seem to be hangin these dayz

Terrific writing for YA - for adult, too, actually. The characters are easily identifiable, the dialogue is smooth. And your evil guy? Pure evil. The mechanics of a psychotic mind ...
backed
- Genevieve
Under the Same Sky
p.s. I hope you'll come read my book sometime.

Hi Nenia

You had me hooked with your first paragraph, your narrative voice is both engaging and elequant - enticing the reader to read on. The first chapter sets up the story well -the seeming maturity and strategic planning of the Grandmaster and the game he's about to begin playing, and the contrast of Val; a regular college girl and the world she inhabits. I like the way you allow the reader to see both characters seperately in their own context before events cause the two worlds to collide. It makes for an enticing setup and a promise of thriller-type action to come.

Shelved :-)

Best wishes
Lorelli