Book Jacket

 

rank 490
word count 49869
date submitted 24.12.2009
date updated 09.01.2010
genres: Fiction, Horror, Young Adult
classification: moderate
incomplete

Horrorscape

Nenia Campbell

All's fair in love and murder.

 

Val receives a calling card from a very handsome, very dangerous boy who wants to 'play' with her. It's a game without rules, logic, or consequence. And he'll stop at nothing to claim her as his... even if it means destroying them both.

 
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tags

chess, dark, horror, murder, suspense, young adult

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Chapters

1

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Chapter One // Opening

    There was something delightfully intimate about the relationship between predator and prey. The careful dance. Neither party quite willing to make the first strike or reveal their true intentions. In fact, it could almost be interpreted as a very strange courtship ritual; a ritual that continued until the whole game was brought to a climactic end and the predator reaped its reward.

    And it was rewarding. It was a game with a suitable prize.

    He was fascinated with predators of all kinds. Wolves, hawks, lions. Creatures that had been known throughout history for being strong, noble, and feared. Symbols of power. Symbols of conquest. Symbols of an evolutionary superiority enjoyed by those animals graced with keen intelligence and strength. He felt that he, himself, embodied many of these traits, as well. He even had his prey, oh yes, and her name was Valerian Kimble.

    It was not a common name. Valerian was the name of a delicate, sweet-smelling flowered herb used in both medicine and perfume. But it had also been the name of a noble Roman emperor who had been captured by the Persians and subjected to extremely harsh treatment until the day of his death, when they flayed him alive.

    A valerian by any other name would smell just as sweet, he thought, and laughed.

    So strong-willed … and yet, so hopelessly fragile. She was not beautiful in the classical sense but he enjoyed looking at her. At the subtle curves of her slender, almost awkward frame; the bright green of her eyes; and the way her hair flared with color in direct sunlight, like a bank of glowing embers.

    And that mouth.

    He'd often considered how it would feel to kiss that mouth. Knotting his hands through her wild, unwieldy hair. Closing his hands around her slender wrists and feeling the desperate pounding of her heart against his as he took possession over what he had rightfully won.

    Slowly, he lowered his eyes to the desk. Several sheaves of paper lay before him, most crumpled and others tossed aside in rejection. He toyed with the fountain pen in his hand before bringing it to his lips and closing his eyes. For a long time, he did not move from his position; his face was solemn, as if in prayer.

    Somewhere inside the house, a clock struck six.

    “You're a work of art, my flower,” he whispered at last, against the cool plastic. And while the words were tender, his voice was laced with derision.

    His Valerian—The herb, the haughty empress—was, indeed, a work of art. But still, a work in progress nonetheless. Not quite ready for the showcase. There were still a number of flaws that he intended to paint out. Weaknesses of character aside, there was still the rather nettlesome matter of her boyfriend.

    The boy was attractive enough in a dull, wholesome way. Hardly a worthy adversary. He was a mere bully who, like many others of his type, had found an outlet for his adolescent aggression in sports. He might have been able to kick a ball around the field, but he couldn't dodge a bullet. And if it ever came right down to it, he wouldn't be able to protect Val from one, either.

    “I will have you,” he said, so quietly that his breath barely stirred the air. “And when I do, my dear, I don't intend to let you go.” The hand holding the pen lowered to the table's varnished surface, as if in a gesture of defeat. Then his eyes opened lazily, at half-mast. “Ever.”

    Only then did he begin to write.

 

The campus of Derringer High School (home of the broncos), was buzzing with the incessant chatter of teenagers as they spilled from the doors of their respective classrooms. “I can't wait for this day to end,” Val Kimble muttered to her best friend, Lisa Jerffries, as they left Conceptual Physics. “Just think—after sixth period, we have a whole three-day weekend.”

    “Why? Do you have any plans, Val?” Lisa asked, with a slightly suggestive wink.

    Val gave her a halfhearted swat, eliciting a whine. “I only asked what you were doing.”

    “Yeah. And we both know what you really meant.” She tried to glare, but Lisa had her face screwed in a horrendous pleading expression that caused her to burst out laughing instead.

    “Seriously,” Lisa said, still laughing, “What are you going to be up to?”

    Val sighed. “We're getting the house remodeled. Everything's going to get ripped up, torn out—you name it. I'm probably going to end up being shut in my room for six-plus hours glued to the computer screen.”

    “Sounds fun.” Lisa rolled her eyes. “So no hot date with James, huh?”

    “James isn't like that.” Honestly, despite the fact that they were both seniors, sometimes her friend had the mentality of a freshman boy. “Get your mind out of the gutter,” she added, for good measure.

    “My mind out of the gutter?” Lisa's eyebrows shot up. “This is James Lewis we're talking about here, right? The same James Lewis who was drawing boobs in art class during our freshman year?”

    Val's cheeks took on a rosy tint. She looked away. “He's changed.”

    Lisa snorted. “I hate to burst your bubble, Val, but they're all secretly like that. You know, sex-obsessed. Whether they show it or not is just a test of character and any guy who says otherwise is a liar or a cheater. You just wait until the honeymoon period is over. Then you'll see.”

    “James isn't like that,” Val snapped.

    “Shows how much you know,” Lisa said gleefully. “It's built into them biologically to spread their genes, or something like that. Even they can't help it.”

    “Can't help what?” asked a very male, very familiar voice.

    Val looked away from Lisa to a pair of sea foam green eyes, and the annoyed expression vanished instantly as she found herself returning his smile.

    Everyone was telling her it wasn't good to lose her head over a boy—everyone being primarily Lisa and her parents—but she was obsessed. He was perfect, and she considered herself extremely lucky that he had chosen her over the other girls that were practically queuing up for a date with him.

    It had something to do with the way he held himself; the way he moved, spoke, and looked at people. James simply had a kind of … latent sexuality that drew girls—and sometimes boys—to him like a moth to a light. He was sexy, even if he didn't dress the part. And Val knew he enjoyed the attention he received.

    She was jerked from this train of thought when Lisa said, “We were just talking about—”

    “Nothing. Just how great it is to have a break, right Lisa?”

    “Oh, that's right, all right,” Lisa said, with a devious smile Val didn't trust for one minute.

    “Your parents still doing the construction thing this weekend?” James asked curiously.

    “Unfortunately.” Val grimaced. “We're having the bathroom ripped out tomorrow. And since said bathroom happens to be right next door to my bedroom, I'm practically going to be under house arrest.”

    His face fell. “So we can't hang out this weekend.”

    “No, probably not. I'm sorry.”

    James shrugged. “That's too bad.”

    Val tried not to flinch. His voice was pleasant enough, but she still felt a tug of anxiety. She'd had to blow him off a lot recently. First because of football season (she was in band, and had to travel to various other towns for competitions, as well as play at all of the major home games), and then again because of midterms. James was a senior, like her and Lisa, so he should have understood her problems. Especially since his classes were much, much more difficult than hers.

    Val would much rather go out with him than do stupid homework for a stupid teacher that only assigned such work because it was easy to grade with the answer key. It was only the threat of failure and post-apocalyptic parents that kept her on track and out of her boyfriend's house on weekends.

    Still, she couldn't help but feel that all this pressure was finally taking its toll. Was he mad at her?

    She smiled timidly at him and he returned the smile, although with less enthusiasm than he had initially. Great, Val thought, as he and Lisa fell into a discussion about the football game  this weekend, He's annoyed.

    “Maybe we can all go to the game,” Lisa suggested, “It's close enough that you'll be able to help out if your parents need you, right? I mean, you have a cell phone.”

    “Val's parents are kind of overprotective,” James said, before she could open her mouth.

    Now she was annoyed. “They are not!” She paused and added, in a sour voice, “And considering what happened before, I wouldn't really blame them, even if they were.”

    “Sorry, Val,” James muttered, pulling her into an awkward hug. He smelled like Old Spice, and his sweatshirt was so soft and cuddly that she had to resist the impulse to nuzzle her face against his chest.

    “What?” Lisa sniffed, “No apology for me? I feel left out.”

    Val glanced at her over James's shoulder and raised an eyebrow. “Why should I apologize to you?”

    “For snipping at me earlier.”

    “I'm sorry, Lisa.”

    “Great. Next time don't sound so sarcastic and it'll be perfect.”

    James glanced at his watch. “Better get moving ladies,” he said, releasing Val. “Bell will ring any minute.”

    The three of them walked to the 600 hall, where their respective lockers were. From the way the halls were filling up, Val guessed that it was more like a matter of seconds. Only forty-five minutes of class and then I can go home, she thought, grabbing her math book. Hopefully, she'd be able to pay attention.

    At that moment, the bell rang, shattering her thoughts.

    “Oh, great. Time to go to Geometry.”

    “It's better than French,” Lisa pointed out. “Madame Gerhard hates me — and she never calls on me when I raise my hand. I swear, it's like she waits for me to zone out. And then the moment I do, it's Quand est-ce que les cours finissent? She gets me every time! I don't know how she does it.”

    “I think you're being paranoid.”

    “Whatever,” said Lisa. “Or as the French would say, quoi que.”

    James shook his head, a smile on his face. “Come on. I'll walk you.”

    They made their way to the math area; a series of portable box-like buildings in the boondocks of the school. “I still don't understand how you can take calculus,” Val said dolefully as their shoes scraped against the blacktop. “I've seen the text. It doesn't even look like math. It looks like a foreign language.”

    James laughed. “That's probably close enough to the truth.”

    “Why do you take it?” she asked. “Isn't it hard?”

    “That's why I like it. Because it's a challenge. I like being able to do things other people can't do.”

    “My god, you're full of yourself.”

    “You know it,” James said, leaning in and kissing her. On the mouth. In school.

    Val was thrilled.

    For the longest time, she hadn't been sure whether the attraction was mutual. James had flirted with her—and about half a dozen other girls on a regular basis, driving her crazy with his cryptic flirtations.

    In fact, he hadn't actually asked her out until the summer before their senior year. The four of them—her, Lisa, James, and Blake—had all been at a party when he finally confessed his feelings for her. She'd gone home glowing inside. Even now, three months later, she still couldn't believe that he was hers. It seemed too good to be true. Sometimes, she wondered if it was.

    “Later,” he said, pulling away.

    “Bye,” she said. “Have fun in your smart-kid class.”

    He only grinned in response before opening the door and disappearing inside his classroom. Val watched the door for a moment and then climbed up the ramp to hers. Seeing him smile just for her brought an indescribable feeling of happiness which swelled. Lisa didn't know what she was talking about, as usual. She didn't need passion to know she loved James.

    But does he love you?

    That was unpleasant to think about, though, and so Val pushed the thought away.

 

    Geometry was in a dim, stifling classroom. The blinds were old and temperamental, and nearly impossible to get open. Mr. Giles had made a show of going to the thermostat and fiddling with the various knobs and switches, but everyone knew that was just for show.

    Hot and sniffy, Val glared down at her math problems for a long time, as if expecting them to solve themselves, and then thrust her arm into the air. “I need some help.”

    “What do you need help with?” Mr. Giles said, gliding over like some bird of prey. A vulture, maybe. The toupee on his head certainly looked like something one could find in the middle of the road.

    “The proofs,” Val said, pointing at the textbook. “I don't get them.”

    “What don't you get?” Mr. Giles asked.

    “The proofs!” Val stabbed an accusatory finger at a picture of a triangle. “I know I'm supposed to explain them using theorems and postulates — ”

    “—And the definitions,” Mr. Giles cut in.

    “Yes, and those,” Val agreed, somewhat impatiently. “But I don't know when to use them. I mean, I can barely solve the problems themselves, and now I have to label what I'm doing, too?”

    “You're supposed to have them memorized,” Mr. Giles said. “Which you obviously haven't done, judging from some of your quizzes, Valerian.”

    “It's hard,” she said, feeling hopeless. The teacher obviously didn't care about her predicament. She was just another slacker to him, trying to get out of work. “I can't think logistically.”

    “Logically,” the teacher corrected, with a sigh. “You can't think logically.”

    Val scowled. “What good is logic?”

    “Well, in chess, for example, logic is very important.”

    Oh, for God's sake. “I don't play chess.”

    “It might improve your scores.”

    “Valerian Kimble to the administration office, please. Valerian Kimble to the administration office.”

    Val stared at the black speaker in the wall. She'd been in high school for three years now, and they'd never called her on the intercom. She turned towards her teacher, a question in her gaze.

    “You'd better go,” the teacher said, waving her off. “We'll discuss this when you return.”

    He didn't need to tell her twice.

    Despite being a welcome distraction from proofs, the office was a dark and gloomy place with wallpaper that hadn't been changed since '62 and a vague smell of disinfectant that hung loosely in the air. It probably came from the nurse's office, but seemed prominent everywhere else, too.

    Most of the people who worked in administration seemed to blend right into the ugly wallpaper. The office was supposed to provide help, but vast majority of its staff weren't interested in helping—unless said help happened to be out the door.

    Mrs. Fields was on duty that afternoon, and she gave Val an unimpressed look as the girl walked in. She was in her mid-thirties and wore heavy make-up that made her look years older—and tough. Val supposed she had to be pretty tough, since her name was an invite to open attack to jokes, usually of the sort pertaining to cookies and her unfortunate girth.

    “Can I help you?”

    “You called for me on the, uh, intercom,” she said lamely.

    “You're Valerian?”

    “Val.”

    Ignoring her, the secretary reached behind her desk and pulled out an olive green planter box. “This came for you.” A leafy green plant was growing out of it, speckled with little, bright pink flowers. “And this,” Mrs. Fields added, dropping an envelope on top of the plant. “Is it your birthday or something?”

    “No.” Val stared at the little flowers. She had never seen that particular plant before.
 
    “Better get back to class,” Mrs. Fields said. “Do you need me to write you a pass?”

    Val shook her head. “Wait, who's it from?”

    “I don't know. He didn't say. Now, get back to class.”

    He?

    Why would a boy be sending her things? Val left the office, puzzled and a little too warm, and stopped outside to set the flowers on a bench so she could read the card. She wished she'd thought to ask the secretary what he looked like, but it was too late now.

    Oh, well.

    She turned her attention to the card. The paper was grainy, and left her hands feeling slightly dry. She licked her finger before sliding it under the flap and slicing it open. The paper inside was a neat piece of stationary, plain and off-white, like a bit of parchment folded into a rectangle.

    She unfolded it, revealing inky black calligraphy that looked vaguely archaic.

    A few pink flower petals, like the ones growing on the plant, fluttered to her feet.

 

I've been watching you for some time, Valerian. I know you're passionate about the things and people you love — and disinclined to do things that don't suit your interests. In that aspect, you remind me of a powerful predator, a hunter. But sadly, in many other ways you are a lower-scale being. The hunted.

    The prey.

    I have singled you out because you have potential. I want to play with you, Valerian. I want to play suicide chess with you. You with your pawns, and me with mine. Together we'll level the playing field. And you know what else? I know you'll do it. Because the same passion that fuels your affection drives your curiosity. You're a gamer, and you like a good challenge. I think you'll find me quite a challenge.

    Even now, I know you're looking for me, wondering who I am. Where I am. How I know what I do. These questions will be answered during the course of the game, Valerian, although by then you might not want the answers. Are you frightened? Do I frighten you? I should. Because first, you must play the game for more than you can afford to lose. Sacrifice everything. Learn true fear. Only then will you win the game.

    I am the Grandmaster. I look forward to playing against you, my dear.

    x

P.S. The flowers are valerians. Your namesake — quite appropriate, although not as beautiful as you.

   

    Her heart was throbbing when she finished the letter. Slowly, Val sank down on the bench, beside the flowers. The letter was full of masked emotion and yet bore a harsh, almost clinical quality. One of indifference. Games, flowers, prey, and predators? It was more than her mind could comprehend.

    Distantly, she remembered hearing somewhere that a 'grandmaster' was a high-ranking chess title, but the thought faded quickly. All she could grasp at the moment was that somewhere, someone at the school was watching her.

    Stalking her.

    Hunting her.

    Like a cat batting at a mouse before consuming it. And this creepy individual wanted to play a game with her. She shivered slightly, despite her sweatshirt, which she pulled more tightly around her.

    Are you frightened? He'd asked. Do I frighten you?

    Yes, he did. Yes, she was.

    (You should be)

Chapters

1

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Twinklegal19 wrote 875 days ago

Hi there,

The first impressions of this novel are very favorable. With a title, summary and introduction like that, together they effectively draw readers in like a hook, line and sinker. The perspectives of each characters give the game a whole new dimension without being over repetitive with the details and your dialogue and description paints a clear mental picture. As a reader, I can also feel the fear and suspense along with the main character like a true horror story.
Overall, well done, and I wish you all the best. I'll be definitely coming back for more in the future.

Backed of course, quite a while ago actually :)

steal-happiness wrote 372 days ago

I think it's pretty safe to say that i'm obsessed with this story.This book is definitely creepy, I read most of the chapters with my hand over my mouth. Although, I'm sure that's what you intended. I love the idea of the chess board (I may never be able to look at chess the same way again) and the black and whites and the pawns and white king. Very intriguing, and very well written. I love your style of writing as well as the characters in this book. GM is interesting, he seems to have a two-sided personality. He doesn't seem all bad (although he is intense and super creepy). And I really love the name Valerian. So overall, a great read and I hope that you get published one day. I would love the see this in print!
With that said, would you please update it? I would very much like to know what happens next. :)

Cariad wrote 469 days ago

Very intriguing. The blend of - good word - arachaic and modern is stiking. We get the impression of something very far from Valerian's world is at work here. You vary the tone of voice and the phrasing to make this work and fill the text with subtle menace. The messages and the texts sent to her are sinister and disturbing, but we can feel her being drawn slowly in. I've only read a few chapters, but you had no problem hooking me in. On my watchlist for now.
Cariad
STONES.

sharky237 wrote 477 days ago

Wow, wow, wow. i haven't read something this intense in a long time. This story reminds me of the Agatha Christie novel And Then There Were None. I really love the sick and twisted character GM. He really suits the story. Though sometimes the story is a little hard to follow (it seems that you make leaps without fully explaining what is going on), I have really enjoyed every moment of this story.

Cheers

~~sharky

newwriter2010 wrote 498 days ago

Exceptionally well written piece of suspense, I really managed to get into the shoes of the characters. I found your writing style to be encapsulating and I didn't want to stop reading. I am sure this is a book we will see in print one day and I will be at the front of the queue to purchase a copy.
Good Luck

azwrites wrote 513 days ago

This is one of those stories not suited to a computer screen - one that cries out to have pages one can turn as they lie reading in bed. It has the feel and meter of any of John Sanfords "Prey" series - something I consider a real compliment as they are among the best written "Serial Killer" novels in the genre. I'm very glad to have come across it and be able to add my name to the others supporting it.
Jim Coplin
Bite Mark

Lummy wrote 519 days ago

Nenia,

Horrorscape reads easy. You don't rush the story but you don't waste time either. You might check for a bit of redundancy. Good luck.
Jeremy McClure
The Eternity Prize
Bloodline
The Quiet Monk Inn

Barry Wenlock wrote 716 days ago

Hi -- the first three chapters read very well and I liked the style. It's got a hauntingly eerie mood, produced by your fine narration. The premise is most intriguing and your character's have depth and realism. Well done.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Becca wrote 737 days ago

Iv take valerian root when I can't sleep :)

I loved the predator prey opening--sensed it was leading to a human relationship. The POV character is wonderful. A balance of delicate and creepy. The way he described Valerian was fantastic--as she was, nothing more, nothing less, and his odd feelings toward her. I thought the first chapter had a lot of tension overall. I'm amazed this is YA. I bet it will have a lot of crossover potential. I'd buy it.

Also, everything is order. Not only do I notice yo uemploy many advanced writing techniques, but your grammar and punctuation are clean too--this is polished.

Backed.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

David Fearnhead wrote 741 days ago

You've got a great voice. Not the one I was expecting at all. There is an elegance about your writing which took me by surprise. I almost felt I was being narrated to by a much older voice, one from another time of the upper classes. It worked well, because I was expecting something a little more modern urban and curse filled. One of those attempts to be gritty that I have tired off. This was fresh and very enjoyable. It was a pleasure to read and as such I was happy to back it!
David
Bailey of the Saints

iThinkSoWhat wrote 757 days ago

This is brilliant, really intense and mysterious. I'm loving and hating GM right now. I like the fact that he has a real serious flaw (arrogance doesn't count in my book). I have to say I love crazy people. In literature, anyway.
Can't wait for the next chapter(:

Burgio wrote 773 days ago

This is a good story. Val is an easy character to get to know and like. And want to follow to see how this all plays out. Although everything in the beginning is going pleasantly enough, you've built in an ominous tone from the beginning that pervades this. Makes it a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

lionel25 wrote 774 days ago

Nenia, where did you learn to write like that? That first chapter of Horrorscape is wickedly good. I certainly am not qualified to nitpick there. Well, what can I fault? Let's see... [His face fell] I don't mind that expression, but some readers take issue with the ambiguity of it.

Again, this is great work. Sincerely backed.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

lizjrnm wrote 807 days ago

What a superb pitch - sucked me right in! Wonderful prose and excellent dialogue! WOW and Backed!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Pia wrote 810 days ago

Nenia,

Horrowscape - He loved the courtship between predator and prey. His pray was Valerian Kimble. What a letter she receives - strange words, weighing her down. She had a penchant for a tormented boy before, but this one plays a mysterious and gothic game, giving a party in his parent's grand house. It's open game. A haunting tale, expertely told.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Skarlette Knox wrote 812 days ago

Hey Nenia,
I followed you from FP. Yeah, plaigerism was a big thing on FP - there are a few other authors I really enjoy who, too, took down many stories due to plaigerism. Anyway, I completely flipped out when I found you reposted Horrorscape here, for it was removed before I was able to finish it on FP. I noticed you left out the original prologue with Val in the art room. It works.

There's nothing really negative I can say about this - your description, suspense, and the "twistedness" of the game leave me wanting more. I even found myself whispering, "Don't open the door, don't open the door," a few time while reading, and checking almost everyday to see if you posted more. I personally enjoy the short sentences - they create an atmosphere of tension, stress, and suspense, as if the characters thoughts are slightly scrambled due to the sadistic game they found themselves in. I'm also excited to see Cloak and Dagger up too!

I was wondering, thoug, if you're going to be updating Horrorscape anytime soon?

Keep up the good work. Definitely backing this and adding it to my shelf.

- Skarlette

Colin Normanshaw wrote 813 days ago

Your pitches are unusually short but work really well - as does your book cover. The book itself has a good start that pulls in the reader. You write with excellent pace. Dialogue and scene setting are clever. The only possible criticism I can think of, for improvement, is to edit your longer sentences carefully, and make sure of your punctuation. Backed with pleasure. Colin

rockpunk92 wrote 814 days ago

This really drew me in and makes me very eager for the next update....please update!

chris burton wrote 830 days ago

Love the short pitch and great opening with an enticing hook at the end of each chapter to keep the storyline progessing and keep the reader guessing. Some of this is a little too wordy and a little crop here and there will help the pace, but otherise good and therefore backed.

DKTD1 wrote 830 days ago

Creepy. I like the opening and the dialogue is very real. The ending of the Chapter definitely makes you want to turn the page and keep going. Please excuse me while I do that :) Shelved

Dan-
Eunice Stubbins

Nick Poole2 wrote 833 days ago

Great start with this...would-be lover? Serial killer? We know he doesn't mean her any good, being as he wants to be a predator.

The dialogue between Lisa and Val sparkles too. Of course, I hate James. Any normal guy would.

I must admit the school talk went on a bit, though. But the flowers and the note were chilling.

Terrific work.

B. J. Winters wrote 855 days ago

I read your chapter 12 at random and can see why this was so popular on fiction press - well written dialogue and credible action. I love the questions in this chapter - hinting at much more to come. I'm going to leave a few more comments in your inbox, but I wanted to let you know that I liked the read. Good luck to you.

Bob Steele wrote 856 days ago

The pitch for Horrorscape seems a bit thin - I'd like to see a little more about the narrative arc of the book, the key characters and a few events along the way to whet my appetite. The opening words about predator and prey grabbed me, though, and the opening is certainly spooky enough to appeal to the YA audience. Your 'chatty' style and idiom also plays to the chick lit genre, and you have the knack of leaving a page turner at the end of a chapter [like GM vanishing at the end of C3]. Overall this is a good read well suited to its target audience that I'll be happy to back.
One niggle - this is not my genre, but IMHO the adjectives [slightly suggestive wink; half-hearted swat], dialogue qualifiers [she said somewhat breathlessly] and flowery similes [sounding like a horny schoolgirl with strep] could do with hard pruning back. Good luck.

paxie wrote 863 days ago

Nenia

Saw my book on your shelf, so here I am to nosey at yours....

Opening.... I didn't feel 'grounded' there was no time or place....and the use of 'He' as opposed to a name, means I didnt meet the character....I wont know him when he next comes into the story....(you may want it that way, perhaps the reason for hiding his identity comes later).....

Campus of Derringer High School...OK , now I feel like I'm in the story, but have no idea how far forward / back I've gone from the 'Opening' so at this point I have more questions than answers .......

Horror and Thriller writers are under pressure to keep to pace, even when filling in background.....Short sharp sentences do much to 'speed the read'

Creatures (that had been) known throughout history.... .....Creatures known throughout history....(no need for 'that had been' )

He felt (that) he himself ..........He felt, he himself.
so quietly (that) his breath......so quietly his breath.....

The word symbols, 3 times in a couple of lines, not sure if that was intentional but it sounded repetitive to me.....

I thought......hair flared with color.....conjured great imagery.....

Loved the punchy ending to loaded chapter one.....Shelved with pleasure...

John Harold McCoy wrote 864 days ago

Hi, Nenia. I could have sworn I'd already read this. Pitch looks good- a bit on the short side, though. Looks like an interesting read. Writing is competent and the story sound great. Read the 3 chapters you have posted and I think it will do well here. Very competent writing and I really hope you finish it. On my shelf. and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Clipso123 wrote 868 days ago

Hi,

I really like this story a lot. The opening was skillfully written and hypnotic. There is no trouble in drawing the reader in. Great work. Good luck with it. Backed.

Sara (The Organ Grinder)

Leigh Fallon wrote 869 days ago

Ooo good plot, loads of tension, nice dialogue.
Backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

Clare Hill wrote 870 days ago

This is slick, well-written and with a mounting feeling of creepiness - when they get to the party and find everyone wearing white, and the enigmatic GM, is great, nicely understated but still menacing. Val's an interesting MC, and I can see she'd be easy for a YA audience to relate to. Backed - great stuff.

klouholmes wrote 870 days ago

Hi Nenia, The outset had lyricism and pace. Good style. Val’s message after at the principle’s office was certainly weird. I was surprised the administrator’s hadn’t looked at it. The mysterious host and his party work as catalyst and that movement drew me into the story. Liked the dialogue and the adventurousness of the characters. This has the elements that captivate the teenage age group and then what? Shelved – Katherine

eamonn walls wrote 870 days ago

I think this is pretty good, but I have to take issue with the opening. Sorry, it's just that I am really really fussy about openings. It's not that there is one right way to do an opening, I certainly wouldn't claim that. There are lots of ways to write an opening that can be good. But the problem is that no matter how many ways there are of producing good writing, there are infinitely more ways of producing bad writing. Analogy with evolution: no matter how many ways there are to be alive, there are infinitely more ways to be dead. I had a long dialogue at one stage with Melanie Murphy (cellardoor) on this site about the opening to her book. She agreed with me eventually and worked her way up to the editor's desk anyway that's another story. My difficulty with your opening is that maybe it's just a little bit too philisophical for the very start of the book. The problem is that you haven't really put your world into the reader's head yet, simply because you haven't yet an opportunity to do so: that is what the opening means. In my personal and very humble opinion, the opening is the time to open your world, not to speculate about the philisophical nuances of a world that doesn't exist. Your world does not exist until you create it in the reader's head.
Anyway, despite my quibbling over the opening I did like this in general and am happy to offer my support and backing :-)

Jared wrote 873 days ago

I've already backed this, but can't see my comments, or find my reading notes. A failure to load malfunction, I suppose. I loved the premise, strong YA material, very cleverly written, albeit with a fair few typos that I'd made notes of on my first reading. Loads of promise and delighted to see it doing so well.
Already backed.
Jared.

Lady Calverley wrote 873 days ago

So little time today... but I wanted to back this for its promise, and will hopefully be back myself for more reading and comments!

Ruth/Base Spirits

scribe19 wrote 874 days ago


First of all, there were a few mistakes that I picked up while reading

Chapter 4, when GM was introducing the game to everyone, I think you might have left out a few lines.

' "[GM] I was thinking along the lines of something more... familiar" ... Blake said, hesitantly, "Isn't that a children's game?" '
During the conversation, you forgot to mention the name of the original game that made Blake comment on it, I'm guessing you meant "Hide and Seek"?

Chapter 7, at the door when Lisa asked why he threw it at her, GM replied
"You were the closet"
Closest you mean.

Your writing style is good, but the errors interrupt the flow. However, they can be easily fixed, and I'm sure other people have pointed out more helpful suggestions than these.

My overall reaction of Horrorscape was positive. Your story was very riveting as the careful build up of suspense captured the reader's attention until the very last word.

What I particulary liked was your use of symbols and motifs. The first one, chess was obvious, but effective. The technical terms fitted well with the progression of the game, and also adding sinister undertones with words such as "capture" "pawn" and "checkmate". References to animals, names and flowers were well used and I can tell you did enough research.

What at first seemed like a harmless childish game turned into something a lot darker, even a little sadistic at times. People actually get hurt, or worse; it's definitely not your typical horror story.
Everything is real. There's no supernaturalism or magic that drives the plot.

The story suits the target audience, so I'm glad you didn't go overboard with the moderate rating. The graphic violence and gore might be absent, but it isn't any less creepy and spine-chilling.

I had enjoyed reading this book, and good luck for reaching the editor's desk!

Shelved :)

lynn clayton wrote 874 days ago

Nenia, it's smoothly written but makes the reader uneasy. And there's an air of cruelty, even sadism from the references to Valerian etc. I'm not sure I would have been able to read this as a YA, but maybe I was too impressionable. It seems to me most people would be fascinated by this ingenious story, written with talent. Shelved. Lynn

Beval wrote 874 days ago

I'm impressed, seriously impressed.
You can build a plot well laced with tension and with subtle under tones of horrors to come. Well targeted at the teen audeince.
It does need a little editing, the infamous "that" word. Look at each one carefully and ask yourself do you really, really need it.
Good luck! Backed.

Jane Alexander wrote 874 days ago

This is a wonderfully creepy, unsettling read.....reminded me a little of The Game (now renamed, think it's Play or Die) in which the MC is thrust into a game she cannot avoid - with potentially deadly consequences. I really like your writing a lot - it's spot-on for the teen audience and doesn't fall into the cliches that are so common in this genre.
Just one thing really snagged me. I studied herbalism for a while and valerian (as a medicine) smells and tastes disgusting. It's a really strong herb used with great caution for insomnia and as a herbal alternative to anti-anxiety medication. So that sort of bothered me.
But otherwise, nice job...backed
Jane
WALKER

LadySpoon wrote 874 days ago

Hi, I've followed you over here from Fictionpress. This story is weirdly frightening; I have no idea what's going on (in a good way). One thing - you still have the first chapter of the sequel up on your FP, meaning that the end of this has been spoiled for me by the summary of Horrorscape II. You might want to change the summary to prevent accidental spoilers.
Thanks, and shelved.

Twinklegal19 wrote 875 days ago

Hi there,

The first impressions of this novel are very favorable. With a title, summary and introduction like that, together they effectively draw readers in like a hook, line and sinker. The perspectives of each characters give the game a whole new dimension without being over repetitive with the details and your dialogue and description paints a clear mental picture. As a reader, I can also feel the fear and suspense along with the main character like a true horror story.
Overall, well done, and I wish you all the best. I'll be definitely coming back for more in the future.

Backed of course, quite a while ago actually :)

Francis Albert McGrath wrote 875 days ago

Read 1-4.
Very well written...excellent dialogue. I like the chess analogy. I can see this appealing to your target audience.
Shelved
Frank

Steve Jensen wrote 876 days ago

Fantastic writing. Really exceptional.

Jared wrote 877 days ago

I've read all seven chapters of your book, well plotted with particularly strong chapter endings and a promising character in the enigmatic and distinctly unsettling GM. This is well aimed at the YA readership, young girls will be drawn right into it.
I wondered at the brevity of your pitch, but having read the sections you've uploaded I think it works best as a teaser. Less can indeed be more in the right hands.
I took notes occasionally as I read, but I see now that you've had editorial advice recently, which covered everything I'd noted. You'll need a strong edit to tighten this up, but the basics are all in place and this is an excellent premise.
Shelved for potential.
Jared.

Bill Carrigan wrote 877 days ago

Dear Nenia,

After reading your first chapter, I backed "Horrorscape" and returned to reread in more detail. My first impressions were sustained--that you write well, developing your characters through action and dialogue, with good pacing, only essential description, and consistent POV. The following are notes I took--minor, but you want the opening to be flawless.

--Delete [//Opening] after [Chapter One]. Treat it as a section, like those that follow, or name the chapters.
--Change [day of his death, where] to [day of his death, when].
--Delete the comma after [home of the broncos].
--In the phrase [initial honeymoon period], delete [initial] and [period], unless you want Lisa to sound redundant.
--Hyphenate [sea foam].
--Delete [that] after [Everyone was telling her]. You don't need it, and you've used [that] three times in the para.
--Change [Val was jerked] to [She was jerked]. The pronoun will suffice.
--Change [by Lisa saying] to [Lise said]. Awk.
--[blow him off] could be taken the wrong way.
--Delete [were] after [more difficult than hers].
--Cap [she paused and added in a sour voice], making it a separate sentence.
--Change [the sweatshirt he was wearing] to [his sweatshirt].
--Would James kiss Val on the mouth, in school? Maybe on the cheek would be more likely.
--Does all that chatter about calculus and geometry further the story?
--Delete [A reprieve was a reprieve]. Redundant. Weakens the para.
--Change [worked in there] to [worked in Administration]. Confusion with nurse's office.
--Antecedent problem: [unimpressed look when she walked in]. When who walked in?
--Unclear reference: [an invite to open attack to jokes]. How can "Miss Fields" be funny?
--Shouldn't Miss Fields have a higher position than "secretary"?
--How does Val know it's a [boy sending her things]. Could be a teacher.
--Delete [old] from [old parchment].
--Insert [old] before [calligraphy]. "Calligraphy" alone means handwriting.
--Delete [in the box]. Redundant.
--Last sentence, delete parens and add a period.

Surely you can use some, if not all, of these suggestions. And you might take a look at my books, "The Doctor of Summitville," "Call Home the Child," and "Annabella and Other Stories." May your journey to The Desk be a short one. --Bill



Lorielle wrote 877 days ago

I started out, just wanting to read a couple paragraphs to get the feel for your writing. Then I got hooked into the story - very much wanting to know what happens next. I don't have any nit picking or negatives to give you and I enjoyed the story very much. I can't wait to see where it's headed!

Lori -- Beauty's Beholder

CamilleS wrote 878 days ago

Perfect for your intended audience. I know girls at my school would love this. Well done! Backing.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

JanB wrote 879 days ago

Nenia,
I really liked the sinister build up of the character from the start.
Maybe a re-edit would be in order to remove some capitals and I question a tense issue in the first sentence, but other than those tiny niggles, its well written and travels at a good pace.

Good luck with it

JanB
Table for One

Andrew W. wrote 879 days ago

Horrorscape

Hi Nenia,

Great title, creepy beginning, worrying chap. I love the short chapters and the episodic style, very post-modern and goes with the ADHD attention span we all now have from digital media... It flies by and I was drawn in quickly and efficiently and you have another one for me to review yet as well. Welcome to the site, you will do well I predict and I will mention your book to friends, an excellent example of a book to scarce the willies out of teenagers.

Well done, best wishes and good luck and welcome to the site, I hope it is as helpful to you as it has been for me.
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

John Booth wrote 879 days ago

Christmas Shelf :-)

Love the dialogue, love the straight into the action elements of chapter 1

Good luck with this

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

nboving wrote 879 days ago

Like a lot of the Y/A books here I think is this is for adults as well. The delightfully intimate relationship between predator and prey is a chilling opening. This is a young man who has serial killer written large in his future. Definitely pure evil. You write beautifully with fluent descriptions and easy dialogue.

Give a moment to clear some space on my shelf and I'll back this.

Nicholas ("The Warlock") - Horror/Thriller

OnLoOKer wrote 879 days ago

Er, hey.
Just came to show my support :)
This is where all the cool kids seem to be hangin these dayz

writingwildly wrote 879 days ago

Terrific writing for YA - for adult, too, actually. The characters are easily identifiable, the dialogue is smooth. And your evil guy? Pure evil. The mechanics of a psychotic mind ...
backed
- Genevieve
Under the Same Sky
p.s. I hope you'll come read my book sometime.

Lorelli wrote 880 days ago

Hi Nenia

You had me hooked with your first paragraph, your narrative voice is both engaging and elequant - enticing the reader to read on. The first chapter sets up the story well -the seeming maturity and strategic planning of the Grandmaster and the game he's about to begin playing, and the contrast of Val; a regular college girl and the world she inhabits. I like the way you allow the reader to see both characters seperately in their own context before events cause the two worlds to collide. It makes for an enticing setup and a promise of thriller-type action to come.

Shelved :-)

Best wishes
Lorelli

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