Juggernaut

JUGGERNAUT by Bill Walters.

Bill - Few readers will fail to be moved by the poignant undertones in your book. Many readers will identify with the fashions and music prevalent in the 1960s-70s period. Most of your readers will sympathise with Gerry. All your readers will empathise with him, such is the power of your portrayal of a boy crushed by an educational system: unable and unwilling to accommodate his educational needs. Your vivid vocabulary and assured command of description are impressive. I did not read all the 34 Chapters posted but read a cross sample and was able to re-enter the story at any point due to your smooth and consistently even pace. The last paragraphs of Chapter 34 suggest that Gerry, despite all his "failures", is going to confound his dismissive teachers and there is a future for him nonetheless. There is definitely a place for your book in the market once some work is done on those chunky paragraphs. Backed.

Tony Brady - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

I love your descriptions and the bit about the apple ppicking gives it a nature's touch. This one grabs the reader's attention and the characters are quite real.

Backed

This reads like a story that insisted on being written and would give you no rest until you did so. You have a very sympathetic character in Gerry because he's treated so badly by a "step into line" education system. I think this is an important book because I'm not sure things would be totally different today. I've added it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Primo Levi? Hmmm. If you mention him, you gotta get a backing immediately. I read only CH 19 and I do like the subject matter. The only thing I felt lacking was that this is a YA and you have such masive paragraphs to kill the pacing. Both those pitches need some editing, too. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Bill, so many readers will identify with this immediately. Not only are your descriptions vivid, they're shot through with powerful feeling. Difficult to resist such impassioned writing. Backed. lynn

I think your story is endearing and shows promise but the opening chapter does not grab me quick enough. Your sentences are far too long in places and need breaking up rather than just punctuation as they slow the pace. I really hope this does well because your writing is personable and intelligent. I have suggested some changes, but because of my memory I will back it now as I know that an edit would enhance what is already a lovely story.
Diane

My apologies

OMG Miss Grinter AND a Nissan hut, the poor child. And the headmaster reminds me of one that I had the misfortune to know. I'm so glad they escaped. Gerry has enough problems as it is, e.g. sharing the cleanliness obsession that his mother acquired in that Victorian orphanage (there are still people who iron underwear and socks, probably due to the same sort of obsession). Then the vegetable patches in council house gardens, and their dad breeding budgies, while the boys made the most of their astonishing memories and Tupperware 'fart' collection. 'Come and meet your little sister', now THAT is going to upset the applecart! (One possible nit: 'He was neither voluble [n]or apparently...')

A real pleasure, Bill, as your narrator takes us back to a period of relative innocence, happiness and hardship. Along the way you treat us to a treasury of lovely words: cornucopia, vellum, halcyon, idiosyncrasy, puerile ... and memorabilia: reel-to-reel tape recorders, knitting needles, Elvis filmed only from the waist up, Vauxhall Velox, Brylcreem. This is an enchanting, though at times disturbing, account of a boy growing up in the sixties, just as the whole world is changing ... backed.

I can see this book having great appeal for numerous audiences. Backed with pleasure.

The chapter started off a bit slow, though it didn't bother me because I enjoyed the exposition. Then the scene in the classroom seemed fast in comparison. There were some formatting and punctuation problems with the dialogue as well. Dialogue punctuation can be a bit tricky too. Some of your adverbs I didn't mind, but I did feel some of them "stuck out" as unnecessary. You might want to check and see if there are some you could cut. I love the concept with this story, and I think it would have a great shot at publication after you polish it off a bit. What helped me the most with polishing my own work (which I still believe to need work) was joining a critique group. I think if you balanced out the pace and touched up the dialogue and dialogue tags this would work great. You obviously have a natural talent, so learning the little things should be a breeze for you!
Good luck!

I liked how this opened - the tone of the intro paragraph and the imagery is very good. Starting chapters well seems to be a strength for you. I flipped to several at random and found that I could immediately see what was happening. Take 32 for example - you have casually reminded the reader of the scenario, and introduced the next theme with the replacement....I found myself reading far more than I should -- nice work.

Bill, I've looked at your first chapter. This is a smooth read. The first paragraph of first chapters are heavily scrutinized, so I'd make one small edit: Change "..it was begging to be plucked.." to "..it begged to be plucked.."

Regards,

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

hi,
good luck to your book.wish you make it to the top soon

I think Miss Grinter may have become a nun, I believe I had her in the first grade, I still have the scars to prove it. You descriptions put us right in the classroom. Your dialogue is natural. I might have liked to get more of an inkling of Gerry's difficulties from his thought processes up front. This is an involving look at the difficulties of fitting in to the prescribed norm, and the consequences if you do not. Shelved with pleasure.

Sessha

Bill,

Juggernaut - the crushing wheel of convention, and, one might add, of conviction hardened to self-righteousness. Not only is this a beautifully written book, it expresses what many students and educators fail to find words for. Having worked with children that didn't fit the norm, I often agonised over how to convey the destructive policies and attitudes that undermine what educations should stand for. It's a must be published work. Backed with passion,

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Hi Bill,

Sorry for the delayed comment--I backed Juggernaut last week. So far, I've read four chapters and, naturally can only comment on what I've read. Let me commend you on a complete work. That is a major accomplishment in and of itself.

I can tell you possess the natural ability for description. It's evident when you describe Miss Grinter smugly returning "to her desk where she scanned the classroom with an icy glare until the sniggering ended on her cue to be replaced with the eerie scratching sound of the wooden-handled pen nibs." We all know that feeling of being in a classroom with a witch-like teacher who scares the living daylights out of us. This helps the reader identify with Gerry's emotions. You do it again with Mr. Richards reprimanding the boys for stealing the apples. (BTW, doesn't he know it's a universal rule that if the branch extends over the property line, it's not stealing?)

A few observations, I feel that although your description is lovely, I think you can tighten it up just a bit with some word efficiency and not lose the effect. In fact, I think it would make it stronger and would paint a quicker image in the reader's mind. Sometimes, less is more and I would certainly not want you to sacrifice your natural ability with description, but I think you can enhance it by eliminating extraneous words.

My other feeling is that based on your premise of Gerry's challenges in life, I'd like to be "in his head" a bit more and know what he's going through earlier on in Chapter 1. You might be able to do this through adding more dialogue between Glenn and Gerry as they take their shortcut to school through the alleyway, picking apples, etc. Or, if you want to highlight Gerry 's lack of verbal dialogue, since you write in third person, it would allow you, as a writer, and enable your reader to hear Gerry's inner-voice and what he's going through emotionally. My point is that I want to empathize with Gerry earlier on in the story. His challenges with Asperger's syndrome is the main premise of the story.

Other than that, I believe you have an incredibly worthy story which needs to be told. I mentioned to you that I have a close friend whose son has Asperger's, and I am intrigued by his savant-like capabilities, but I also have witnessed his inabilities as well. It's a heart-wrenching thing to watch. He's still in diapers at six years old. He will not feed himself. Yet, he can speak Spanish fluently, and show you which country is which on a map. His has a photographic memory and will remind me when he saw me last, what I was wearing, etc. So, I know that he is taking everything in, even if, from the outside, he appears to be in his own world. And this is what I would love to see more of in your first few chapters.

Your title and pitch are perfect, just add a space separating the three paragraphs of the pitch to make it easier to read.

Wishing you all the best with your book. It's an important piece on Asperger's syndrome.

Backed,
Janine
MY KIND OF CRAZY

Strong dialogue, beautiful descriptions. You have a way........

I might split some sentences up, for impact, in places. Each description deserves it's due, especially when they are so image provoking. But backed, well done.

It is really terrible what is done in the name of education. And this book describes it vividly. Reminds one of Jonathon Kozol.

I was most impressed with your dialogue and descriptions

Your opening strikes a mighty blow—intense

I found the plot interesting and characters compelling

There is a rhythm in the writing that adds good pace to the storyline

Best wishes

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

JUGGERNAUT:

Bill,

Such a poignant first chapter. Your vivid descriptions of both the scrumping and the long division brought back memories that gave me instant empathy with Gerry. It was a long time ago, but your Miss Spinster Grinter (lovely name) is a clone of one of my teachers who took delight in belittling my non-ability to do long division.

The characterisation is strong, and the dialogue is crisp and realistic. I think this is a book that will attract a very wide audience, and I wish you every success in achieving publication.

Backed, with pleasure, and my very best wishes.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

I'd already backed you a couple of days ago I think.

Came back to leave comments.

Still happy I backed you, even if you didnt' like my book, this is still good and I dont' get iffy if people dont' like mine.

Good luck

Lorrii

There is a deal of charm in this book, Bill. You have created a world of proper 3D characters who don't feel like they've been written - they just are. I like your dialogue construction but more than anything I really appreciate your descriptive prose. You have a nice style that draws the reader into your world - fine and evocative. This story tackles a difficult subject with humour without sacrificing the raw. There is surely a place for this out there.

I liked the pitch - very effective and you have a truy delicious book cover. Overall a rather impressive contribution that I back with no hesitation. Good luck with continued progress.

Best Wishes

Alexander

Beautiful writing... concise... uncluttered and eloquent. I appreciate the sparing and thoughtful use of adverbs.
And then there's the story... pulls you in and carries you along... you get a sense that it's going somewhere worthwhile.
I'm backing this.
Rodney

Wow, powerful! I would hope there have been improvements in understanding and compassion, even since I was a kid (went through some of this, not quite as severe, as a kid myself)

You have a very skillful writing style. I like it very much,
Backed!
Voni
The Bell Ridge Cave

Dear Bill Walters,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. A protagonist with Asperger’s attracted me to your story, as it’s an interesting syndrome, and I’ve pondered having a character with it. I can see that someone with difficulty interpreting social cues would have travails in a rigid school setting, and you’ve set up a great sympathetic protagonist. In your first chapter, I loved the verb “scrumping” apples. I chuckled at the line “It wasn’t uncommon for junior school teachers to be spinsters.” You make said spinster sound like an Amazon with her helmet of hair. I fear her and sympathize with Gerry, in part because you describe his terror well. Ah yes, a teacher punishing a student for something she has not yet taught him.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your story even more exciting by starting with your narrative’s strengths: the protagonist’s syndrome, or him being beaten. To me, the narrative took flight at the paragraph “The day consisted for Gerry of a morning of mathematics”. You can put the delicious apple bit in later if you want, but to build sympathy and launch me into the story, I’d like to see the protagonist unfairly punished. The harsher the better.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

As I scour this site trying to drum up support for my book I am coming across lots of interesting pieces of work. Juggernaut is yet another one.

We begin with a Biblical apple. And then we have the bitter spinster Miss Grinter.

Then the apple comes back to haunt them.

Mrs Ironmonger...what a bitch.

It's very easy to identify with these two heroic kids. I'm backing this. I hope you'll look at my book but it ain't compulsory.

Hi Bill what a good premise, a tough subject to handle I imagine. The opening is strong and you have already outlined the close relationship between Gerry and his brother. I like the bit about being country boys and the unwritten rule about apples outside the orchard walls! Miss Grinter is a nasty character, "powerfully built" really like that. Teachers seem to have a knack of making us fearful even as adults and your strong characterisation of her works to that effect, Gerry frank answers to his teacher questions are subtle hint of his condition I imagine and I like the way you have tackled this. Its a good read and on my shelf. helena (A Load of Rubbish)

As a fellow writer of historical fiction, I wonder if you would like to take a look at my new book, Will of God. It's the story of a father in the Plymouth Colony in the late 1600's who must risk not only his life, but also his soul, to save his son.

In my comments to other authors, I try to offer very specific suggestions for improvement. If possible, I will try to do the same for your book.

Your pitch sounds interesting, and potentially heart-breaking. I work in education, so I am somewhat familiar with Asperger's Syndrome.

Regards,
Kevin Clark
Will of God

Bill
I read chapter one and two....I think you craft the camaradie between the brothers well, and the social background details given help enourmously to make the reader feel 'grounded' ....

If I'm honest I found the narrative a bit 'wordy'.....I read your opening paragraph out loud.....This help me pick up on the words I dont think are needed.....Will put them in brackets....

(that was) literally groaning.
morning (and) Gerry
they (now) walked
them (the way) other students
expediancy it (also) allowed.....

Dialogue on the other hand was simple yet sharp, and does as much to move the plot forward as does the narration...

I'm happy to shelf this, I enjoyed the read......

Juggernaut has one of the best pitches I've seen on this site - I know where you're going and I'm happy to go along for the ride. I liked the way you lighten the tone in C3 with the fart smelling after the cruelties and uncertainties in the first couple of chapters. My only niggle is the lack of dialogue to add balance and variety, but your narrative is so well paced and vivid I can forgive you for that, at least in the beginning. Alarming to think that the 1960's and 70's are now the subject of 'historical fiction' - but despite that :-) No nitpicks on your writng; I'll be happy to back you.

That teacher is MEAN, shades of the Truchbowl in Matilda. I have got a friend with Aspergers, so am interested.

Hello Bill, Having read several chapters of your story, I have to say that this is a real gem and a trip down memory lane. What child hasn't at some time in their lives, 'scrumped' the odd apple and in Gerry's case, the authoritarian headmaster booming his threats of retribution, would have filled any child with horror. This is beautifully written, but would have liked a little more dialogue - this fleshes out your writing and brings your characters to life. Having said that, I have no hesitation in backing this story, and for children like Gerry, it is one that should be told. Good luck with this- SHELVED.

Phyllis
A Passing Storm (Perhaps you would have a look at this for me,please)

Hi Bill, This is a such a beautiful, inspiring story. I am still reading however, amazingly Gerry had several influences in his life from something as simple as a tape recorder to Elivis. I love your descriptions, they make me feel as if I am there watching Gerry do all these things. Your pitch also, drew me in.. Brilliantly written book.

Dear Bill,
You have a heart rending story to tell. I read the first four chapters then skipped about a bit. You have a remarkable gift with the English language, too. I envy how you put a sentence together and get to the essence of a thought so concisely. You pointed out so well that those playgrounds where we imagine happy sweet children playing and laughing are rather training grounds for bullies and sociopaths. I love the history of this era. I lived it in America and the schools here were equally terrifying. I’m backing this because you have the important story, the characters, and you write beautifully.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

hi Bill, this is a very personal story and as far as I can see a perfect tale of historical fiction. The struggle of the individual against the machine is suggested by your title and you carefully pile up the walls right from the start. The hypocrisy of those people, the teachers and elders, is chilling.
These days we might call somebody 'savant' and it all has a flair of exotic otherness, but then it all came under the umbrella 'stupid', and no other tag was needed to ruin somebody's life.
I liked the bits of happiness and laughed out at some of the tricks they got up to. (The fartcollection was hilarious) I found this written with great insight and sensitivity as well as showing a firm grasp on the tantallisingly complicated subject. On shelf.

"She was unsmiling and her moods varied between simmering anger and outright spiteful hatred." I've definitely experienced this teacher. "How dare you answer me back?" Man, the name Grinter is perfect. "He look down at the old wooden desk's inkwell and wished he could disappear into it but there was nowhere he could hide from the jeering and sniggering of his classmates to whom he was, and would remain, an unknown outsider."

"We will not have thieves in this school!" This plus Grinter is a good indication that Glenn and Gerry are not going to have the best of times in their new school. You capture the time very well, there is Brylcreem, Tupperware, and emerging rock'n'roll. Even though I lived in the States at the time, there were many similarities. Definitely, the playground scene was very familiar. Apart from the inability to master long division until his forties, I don't see too much in this that separates Gerry from the average kid. I will read more once I get some time. Good luck with this.

An interesting story with a quite charming MC in Gerry. I withdrew my son from the education system last year - he has Asperger's traits but was diagnosed with 'oppositional defiant disorder' which I think means he's just awkward! He is now autonomously learning HTML and other coding, things which I can't even begin to understand and they don't teach in school. Things have changed since the setting of your story, but the 'one size' school system still doesn't suit all children - a lot of the home educated children we know of have Asperger's or fall somewhere on the autistic spectrum.
Backed.

Gerry and Glenn are well drawn boys, and their innocent plucking of the apples from branches which overhung the road is described in a way which gives us sympathy and understanding of their point of view. The trouble they have with the school system of their day is easy to relate to, although I think most children then didn't have quite so many bad experiences. But Gerry is, of course, a boy with extra problems, and ones which weren't, generally, fully understood. An interesting book, with an unusual theme, which you handle well. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hi Bill. I looked at your Juggernaut book. Catchy title! To make it most effective though, I would recommend deleting the subtitle "The Student", and just call your book "Juggernaut". Your short pitch is excellent, as is your long one. You can get many people's attention with them! :-)

I saw in the first paragraph simple things you can do to make it flow more readily, and the same things can be done here and there when you notice the same kinds of sentences in your manuscript. Ripe and almost ready - can become "Ripe and ready". Shorter sentences are sometimes better, especially when they end up sounding nicer within the flow of the sentence and the deletions to it don't affect your story. The part about it was begging, you can just say "it begged". Last, the first sentence might be to the point if you just said, "The apple tantalized him, as it hung from the branch above the wire-fence surrounding the orchard" or something to that effect. These are small changes I know, but over the course of your excellent story, shorter to-the-point sentences will make your book that much tighter and more appealing to the agents and publishers who will eventually want to work with you. And they will want to work with you, because your book is good.

I will happily back your Juggernaut book. I am certain you will have success with it! :-)

Sincerely,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

Hi, It takes someone very special to take the time to write about these problems that some face in our lives. Most of us don't even get close to such a situation so I think you have done well to put Juggernaut before us. It is what we need - a wake up, look around you, this is what is or is not happening. It's a good story that deserves to be read.
Mark
Another day in Paradise

A useful story that is entertaining, written well bringing the characters alive, and carrying an important message and awareness of the struggles that children with Aspergers have relating to others, and carrying the battle on through the education system. Every person is unique with individual needs and books like this give valuable insight and this is a good read.

Backed with pleasure.

ww Lisa

A Fine Line

I love your use of detail straight away in the first paragraph. Your "poetry" so to speak runs away with my senses :) Backed!

Brittany
My Last Notes

The 3/4s are gone.
YaY!
This is good. It is a unique story line and one that I found myself becoming attached to from the opening onwards. I was excited to read this after reading the pitch the other night and am pleased that Karin asked me to stop by.
You really have captured the perfect characters and story here. I am always envious when I find great works of art on here. Doesn't happen too often that I find one that is well written, with a cracking plot, great characters and a message---but this one does
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Bound o strike a chord with all of us who recognise these characters from our own experiences of education. Eas to read, not too fussy. Good luck with this, Jim D Serpent's Blood

Hi Bill. This reminds me of many teachers I have known as a child and has particular imact as I have two sons of my own with AS. My own book has a character with Asperger's as well. I think the innocent honesty of Gerry as he attempts to navigate an alien world and the ignorance of the teachers is an accurate reflection of how things used to be and still, in many cases, are. I enjoy your almost scholarly style and the way the story is told straight. Tania, This Last Summer

I have a special interest in this story cause I taught chess for 8 years in schools, universities and on a voluntary basis, and many of my students had various mental disabilities or learning impediments, including Asperger's. On a purely literary level, I thought this text was fairly average. That, by the way, is a very good thing. When I say I think this is average that is a compliment. I think one of the greatest faults of so many writers on this site is that they try too hard to write something ultimately incredible and profound and nobel-prize-winning that they forget about the whole thing about actually writing something that reads well. You have written something that reads well because there are no major problems is no over-the-top overly-ambitious writing. This is simple writing: and simple writing means good writing.
Well done! More than happy to back this one and enthusiastically offering my support :-)

Juggernaut - Part One: Student

Hi Bill

This book resonated for me on several levels: (i) I am a teacher, (ii) I have a son who has Asperger's (iii) I am responsible for SEN in a modern 21st century secondary school. This story is brilliant, it made my blood boil (in a good way) you capture the rampant innocent and the vicious nastiness of a school system (many countries around the world still have such anti-diluvian approaches to SEN) as it once was. You write gorgeous, your characters are sympathetic anyway, but you enhance that process. Brilliant stuff, you will hopefully hit a national zeitgeist, a wave of interest and this will go very far. An important story that needs to be told and you tell it so damn well.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Thank you Andrew. I really appreciate your kind and enthusiastic assessment. Sad to say I was also a teacher myself until very recently when in a repeat experience with SLT this situation came back to haunt me. One good thing to come out of it at least was enough money from an out-of-court settlement to come away to Goa, India, from whence I am writing this book.
I intend that the next section will reflect on that particular experience where the character of Gerry as a teacher makes some very difficult observations about the extent to which this difference - I don't regard it as a disability requiring a cure - remains misunderstood.
I really appreciate your interest and comments and I would be very happy to maintain your valued observations as it develops if that is practical for you. It's quite a difficult thing to illustrate without alienating 'neurotypicals', but hey, isn't that the problem here anyway?
Good to hear from you and please keep the comments coming.
Very best regards


Bill

Juggernaut - Part One: Student

Hi Bill

This book resonated for me on several levels: (i) I am a teacher, (ii) I have a son who has Asperger's (iii) I am responsible for SEN in a modern 21st century secondary school. This story is brilliant, it made my blood boil (in a good way) you capture the rampant innocent and the vicious nastiness of a school system (many countries around the world still have such anti-diluvian approaches to SEN) as it once was. You write gorgeous, your characters are sympathetic anyway, but you enhance that process. Brilliant stuff, you will hopefully hit a national zeitgeist, a wave of interest and this will go very far. An important story that needs to be told and you tell it so damn well.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Hi there,Bill,
I have a friend with aspergers, so I thought I'd come and take a look. I haven't really reached the syndrome part of the story yet (I don't think) Just read up to chapter 4 and found one paragraph which contained Playtimes were largely spent twice but with two different aspects. You may be better off changing one of them.
My only suggestion so far, would be to add some more dialogue. But that's just my personal preference. I think it adds substance to the characters.
I've enoyed reading about little Gerry so far and have given it a spin on the shelf in the hope that it will get the book 'out there' to a wider audience.
Best wishes with this, I'll come back and find out how Gerry is getting on sometime soon.
Sue
A Boy Called George

Thanks for that Sue. Noted and edited.

Yes, dialogue. I only really intend to write dialogue extensively when - using the literary device of switching to Gerry writing himself in the first person - actually inside the boys head, which should serve to create the perspective of someone with the indications of Asberger's which was rarely if ever diagnosed at the time the story is set and not even acknowledged within education until relatively recently. There is a minimal amount of dialogue for the specific reason that most of his experiences, with authority at least, are one-sided conversations which negate his reasoning and rights.
Anyway, thanks very much for the interest which I will try to reciprocate.

Gary

Hi there,Bill,
I have a friend with aspergers, so I thought I'd come and take a look. I haven't really reached the syndrome part of the story yet (I don't think) Just read up to chapter 4 and found one paragraph which contained Playtimes were largely spent twice but with two different aspects. You may be better off changing one of them.
My only suggestion so far, would be to add some more dialogue. But that's just my personal preference. I think it adds substance to the characters.
I've enoyed reading about little Gerry so far and have given it a spin on the shelf in the hope that it will get the book 'out there' to a wider audience.
Best wishes with this, I'll come back and find out how Gerry is getting on sometime soon.
Sue
A Boy Called George