Meridians Part I

JB, your first chapter reads well. Good job overall. I feel some sentences can be shortened. Here's how I would slightly redo parts of your opening paragraph: [Her tangled blond hair flew in the wind...], [...she turned back to look behind.]

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Dear Doomsday-profit,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You begin with a firm layout of the setting, making the isolation relevant because I am worrying why a man is chasing a girl. It turns out he means well, arriving to help a young child. I wonder how those in the household knew he would need to take the baby with him. Perhaps he could mention that himself, so the readers could understand. The scene is poignant. You end up describing why the baby must leave later, but not why she must never see her again. The use of the syringe firmly grounds me in the time-travel aspect, and I guess the advantage of going back in time is zero bacteria resistance. You are creating great emotionally-laden scenes here, with the man glad the baby has the strength to eat and reflecting he was once in a similar dire position. I also enjoyed the chase scene; in fact, you did a wise move not making the time-traveler fearless and too powerful. The ending of this section would benefit from a hook. You do mention the baby needs proper medical attention, so if you end the section with those words I would be more fearful and drawn naturally to the next section.

Few things inspired me to write more than science lectures, and this may have a similar experience. I urge to continue. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Meridians is a variation on a classic sci-fi theme of time travel, and the pitch suggests great potential for adventure. I particularly like the sound of the benefactor from an unseen world, so I definitely want to read on. Your narrative delivers a worldview quickly so I can buy into the story, and your characters and their environment are evoked well. Overall this has great potential for a mainstream sci-fi audience so I'm willing to back it.
However, IMHO the editor has some further work to do. Some of the syntax seems clumsy ['Unlike the dirty faced girl with raggedy clothes this man had a refined appearance], but my main issue is with point of view. Most of the early narrative is written from a distant omniscient pov that is dumping information [telling] without engaging me closely with your characters. I reckon this would flow better and be much tighter if you write from the perspective of one pov character in each chapter or major scene, and show us the worldview and background information through their observation, actions and dialogue. Good luck.

Hi, J. Well, this is kinda different. Very interesting plot. All very believable and entertaining. Good writing, Narrative is easy to follow as is the dialog. All in all, a rather good read. Pitch gives enough info to lure the reader in. I think it's worth backing. On my shelf. Best of luck with it, J.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Excellent read and fascinating story line. The chapters are long, but they are interesting and they keep you wanting more. I love Sci Fi and this is an excellent example of it at its finest.

Not too shabby at all, in fact quite good.. have you sold the film rights to James Cameron? Love the idea of the chronicler society living in the Himalayan "Islands" and I'll read anything about time travel. It could be tightened, but I'm sure you will do that in due course. Already backed.
Superb.
Frank

Thank you for your praise. Do you mind me asking how much of my manuscript you were able to read?

Not too shabby at all, in fact quite good.. have you sold the film rights to James Cameron? Love the idea of the chronicler society living in the Himalayan "Islands" and I'll read anything about time travel. It could be tightened, but I'm sure you will do that in due course. Already backed.
Superb.
Frank

I like the cover very much and the pitches are full of interest. You tell the reader in advance that the chapters are long, as they are, but he SF/fantasy genres allow more leeway in this regard and I wasn't overwhelmed by the chapter lengths.
On reading the opening chapter I'd expected an appearance by the MC, Nicco, but it isn't until the very end of the chapter that mention is made of an intriguing young boy whom I, correctly as it turned out, identified as Nicco. I know that you've had comments on the opening chapter so I moved on to chapter 2.
The meeting with Nicco is postponed while we learn of the specific nature of his condition, but our eventual introduction to the boy/man who will become the dominant character of the book is well done, but there are POV issues in this section which you may consider need attention. The meeting is seen through Gram's eyes initially, yet "the director flashed a fake smile". Only he would know that, better to make it "an unconvincing smile." Later, the Director, "who was eager to leave as soon as possible" - that's from the Director's POV, better to say, "evidently" or "transparently" eager to leave and keep it in the same POV.
I didn't like "a bit nasally" or the repetition of "like where?" as they appeared awkward, but a later phrase, "Nicco looked at Gram quizzically, like a dog that is not quite sure what trick you want him to do," is excellent.
The chapter continues with a lengthy explanation of gravity and time travel, all over my head as a non-SF reader, but I've read enough SF and fantasy on this site to know a certain amount of explanation is both desirable and necessary.
You've got a strong character in Nicco and the enigmatic Gram is well drawn. I've read more now and the story is developing well. This is a huge project and your imagination is remarkable. You write well, but will need to check your structure carefully. There are areas that could be cut back, and I know what a painful process that can be, but the book will be all the better for it. This is very promising and has the potential to be very good indeed. I like your writing style and you should persevere with it. It's your book and your project, so don't change it unless you have a good reason to do so and you are comfortable with it. There are a few technical issues, but they can be addressed as you edit.
On my shelf for great potential.
Jared.

Hey there Doomsday!

Okay, had a look at Meridians, Part 1 - definitely think there's some promise here for a fantasy thriller, and can't wait to read more. The evening is nearing and end for me, though, so I did want to get to you with some thoughts I had so far on the opening...

Your pitch - nicely written and sectioned. Does a good job of giving the overarching storyline for the first part of the series. Couple of nits: "twenty five year old" and "ten year old" both need hyphens (twenty-five-year-old, ten-year-old).

Inside the book - nice opening! You've got some areas (paragraphs 6, 7, 16 for example) where you need commas inside your end parenthesis as you transition to the ending of the sentence. ("This way," she said...)

Year does not need to be in caps in paragraph 3.

The biggest thing that stood out to me was the repetition of some words - woman, girl, stranger, mother... You use "long dark" twice in paragraph two; mud 3x in paragraph 7; drape 3x in paragraphs 8/9... Later on, take a look at paragraphs 18-20 - you use infant 8x and baby 4x... Think about changing that up some with "it" / "child" / "bundle" ... mix it up a little. Same goes for stranger - can you use "he" ins some instances? What about "the man" ? Just food for thought, trying to keep the material less monotonous.

Overall, I think this is a very gripping, mysterious opening. Am looking forward to reading more tomorrow when my eyes are fresh. In the meantime, this book is going on my shelf - backed with pleasure. Best of luck to you.

Kim
Invisible Justice

PS - Very interesting, eye-catching book cover! Nice...

I saw you on the forum and popped over for a quick look... I love your pitch - it immediately made me want to read. And really I think you have the potential to be a great storyteller. At the moment though a few things did make me stumble in my read. Your first chapter is incredibly long and with several switches, I'd be tempted to cut it into two at least.
I also felt as if I wanted you to have more confidence in your writing somehow, to show me what was happening, rather than tell me. There is padding which I don't think you need - phrases like, 'to make things worse', 'scenarios such as this'.... Make us really feel and smell and hear and see what is happening.... suck us right into the book.. Just my thoughts, and please bear in mind I am no editor....just reporting how I feel as a reader.
The old trick is to read your chapters out aloud and see where you trip up... It really works (at least it does for me).
I have only had time to read the first chapter at the moment but I would continue, were this in paper form (I hate reading on screen).
At the moment this is pretty good but it could be truly fabulous....
Backed for huge potential
Jane
WALKER

btw, there is a thread somewhere in the forum - Ten Mistakes (by Greta Bradshaw) - in About Writing (damnit, can't cut and paste the link for some reason) - and that contains seriously good advice. It was stuff people told me when I first started here and it's good.

You have the bones of a good story here. I wondered where you were going for a while, I must be of a linear persuasion but soon got to grips with it. Some of your historical background giving comes across as a litle clumsy - you need a voice for it, perhaps a computer narrator or something, like in Hitchiker's Guide. Nevertheless htis has a lot of potential, so happy to back, Jim D serpent's Blood nb. at end of chapter 1 the type scrunches up.

you have got a very interesting start here. I have to confess i was nearly put off by the over writing. For example in the opening paragraph you have.

Hurry Hurry. This implies urgency, without you having to explain it.

then here are details of appearance which are too lengthy, and often repeated, though using a second way of describing the same thing. Red eyes, and red around the eyes springs to mind.

There are long passages of information dumped on us, try to weave it in in smaller doses. An odd memory here and there with how the character feels about that event, or the consequences, is better than a full on explanation.

Good luck with it. Hope you manage to stick with it, and find time to finish it. The ending is just as important as the beginning, and if you haven't finished it , then beware of spending too much time on perfecting the start, as events at the end may mean you have to change things at the beginning.

You should get good advice here, But only act on what feels right for your book.
Caro
Suffocating.

The writing is solid. Is this first, one chapter or a few together? As good as I think it, I feeling like its a little sluggish in parts... That sick child scene was tough...felt like my house these past two days (2 kids with double ear infections! how lucky.) Best of luck with this.
-=Bradley

Meridians - Part I

Hi J.

What an interesting idea, very clever indeed and it is completely original, don't think I have ever come across anything like it before. You begin quickly and accessibly enough, but I do think you have a surfeit of adjectives, every subject, in every sentence has a describing word attached to them and this slowed down the flow of what is generally a good narrative for me. This is a problem that you would easily resolve through a read out loud edit. But as I said, a very clever idea, one of the most interesting I have come across in a long time.

Very happy to support your book, best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Thanks for the feedback, especially the adjective thing, that was completely transparent to me.

Meridians - Part I

Hi J.

What an interesting idea, very clever indeed and it is completely original, don't think I have ever come across anything like it before. You begin quickly and accessibly enough, but I do think you have a surfeit of adjectives, every subject, in every sentence has a describing word attached to them and this slowed down the flow of what is generally a good narrative for me. This is a problem that you would easily resolve through a read out loud edit. But as I said, a very clever idea, one of the most interesting I have come across in a long time.

Very happy to support your book, best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

The first chapter was lengthy and as such was the only one I got through before having to retire. There is an interesting idea here. I like the way you start this but I think the first chapter could be cut in half, perhaps when you break and start talking about the tectonic plates and how the world built the mountains and how the Beautiful Place and Time came to be, perhaps this would be a great place to start the next chapter?
Regardless this is different. A hell of a lot of narrative but you do write that well and it held my attention, though I really started enjoying it with the interaction with Gram. It was as though when the dialogue came out you really hit your groove, this is not said to direct away from the narrative for I really enjoyed that.
I am still waiting for Nicco. I thought I would be introduced already. Maybe I have and I missed it? Or do not know that I have been?
Regardless a solid plot, a little slow moving in part but still very unique.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Thank you for your praise and your suggestions. Funny you mention breaking the first chapter in two. Originally it was two chapters. I put them together though because I thought it felt more commercial.

Nicco first appears in Chapter 2

The first chapter was lengthy and as such was the only one I got through before having to retire. There is an interesting idea here. I like the way you start this but I think the first chapter could be cut in half, perhaps when you break and start talking about the tectonic plates and how the world built the mountains and how the Beautiful Place and Time came to be, perhaps this would be a great place to start the next chapter?
Regardless this is different. A hell of a lot of narrative but you do write that well and it held my attention, though I really started enjoying it with the interaction with Gram. It was as though when the dialogue came out you really hit your groove, this is not said to direct away from the narrative for I really enjoyed that.
I am still waiting for Nicco. I thought I would be introduced already. Maybe I have and I missed it? Or do not know that I have been?
Regardless a solid plot, a little slow moving in part but still very unique.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor