The Ten Scrolls - The Journey of Trust [First Edition]

Paragraph 1 is likely to be borrowed by the New Zealand tourist board.

The whole of the first chapter is a beautifully crafted, thoughtful piece of 'proper' literature. poetic, descriptive and boldly ambitious. The only negative is the narrator in my head. Its Cate Blanchet, and she did the opening narration for that movie trilogy JR Hartley wrote a book about. What was it called again? If the rest of your story lives up to the opening chapter this will give old JRR a run for his money. Best of luck with it.

Hi Gilbert,

I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took so long, but I've been swamped lately. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Prologue: Magical, mystical beginning. I can really picture this strange world of Auril. Hmmm it sonds like the place has faded, though. It's implied lack of belief destroyed it. Strange. Does this magical world rely upon ours somehow for its very existence? Are our worlds paired? There are lots of unanswered questions here. I'll have to read on and find out. ;)

Chapter 1: I like the way you use the jorney of the wind to introduce us to the world. I think the technique works v well, like a camera gradually zooming in.

1 tiny suggestion, though. I'd avoid forms of began/started where possible as actions don't really start. eg instead of "... as the wind began to blow." I'd suggest just "... as the wind blew."

Reading on... This world really seems beautiful. The colours are all so vivid. I can picture it v well.

Aranorin seems a wise and kind sort. Ah he's more than merely mortal, it seems. He's been around for a v long time indeed. Seems he's haunted by memories of an old war, though. Hmmm is this perhaps foreshadowing of a darkness yet to come? Fascinating.

I've a small suggestion here. While your descriptions are good and vivid, I think you sometimes overdescribe. eg in "... the door to the throne room banged open and slammed against the wall with a boisterous bang." we're told about the banging twice. I think once is enough. Such repetition may jar a little for readers.

Reading on... I almost laughed when the 3 kids burst in on Aranorin. I wonder how close they just came to getting killed, though. I bet it's a bad idea to startle somebody who's obviously so powerful ;). Sounds like something urgent's happened, though. What could it be?

I've another suggestion here. I think sometimes you could write things in a more direct fashion for greater impact and pace. eg I think "He reached to Griffin and grabbed him" is a little roundabout and would read better as "He grabbed Griffin."

Reading on. I almost laughed again at the image of Bloomin flying through the air. These kids are a menace ;). Hmmm what's the import of the flowers? They seem trivial, but Aranorin's reaction shows there's far more import to this than 1st meets the eye. Why is he so sad? The hope tree's covered in blossoms too. What's going on?

Ah hope flowers haven't bloomed here since before the 1st war. They must bring back bad memories for Aranorin. Perhaps the flowers also signal something. Yes, it seems as if the flowers show great change is coming, thought it's unknown whether the change wil be good or bad. No wonder Aranorin was so freaked out!

Wow I didn't expect the flowers to disappear like that after Marc plucked one. Eerie. They really are magical. Looks like the act leaves Aranorin's temper on a knife' edge.

Chapter 2: Poor Aranorin. He seems shattered by the news. :(

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, where possible, your story would really come out if you could find ways to show more and tell less. eg "He wanted to be alone." is you telling the reader he wants to be alone. Something like "He locked the door and slid to the floor. He hung his head etc..." would show the reader he's depressed via his actions. I think such a technique paints a more vivid picture + is more involving for the reader.

Reading on... Nice poem/song. It has a real sad/wistful quality to it. Aranorin's musings on the last war made me shiver. V dark and ominous. This Aeon sounds terrifying. the loss of Garon seems to have hit Aranorin harder than anything else. Seems he still mourns it after all this time. :(

Ah and it looks like our world may be responsible for the fading of this other world as we've stopped believing in magic. the 2 worlds must be linked. I wonder if our world will fall too when theirs does.

By the end of the chapter, it looks like the future is balanced on a knife's edge with only Aranorin protecting the veil. What will happen if this tired old man should fail even for an instant?...

OK I just noticed how much I've written. I better stop now. Sorry, I think I got carried away. :)

I think there's a lot to like in your story. There's a real beauty to the world you've created and it's filled with magic and mystery. Aranorin makes a great character; a man of great power and wisdom, tested almost to destruction by sorrow and dark memories. The hints of coming peril are woven in gradually, and all the more effective for that. I can see your audience reading on eagerly to learn what happens.

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you find an agent/publisher soon. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Dear Gilbert, I love that magical things come to life in your story - fantasy at its tops. :) Your poem really was great to highlight your book. You prepared me to read your book with your excellent hook before your story & your prologue. :) It is a good read, because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version, "Tell Me True Love Stories" which at the end tells my illness now/6th abusive marriage I'm in now. Thanks, Susie :)

Hi Gilbert
Some strong writing here and I love your descriptive prose. This has a real professional feel to it and I'm sure it will do well. You obviously have a great imagination and a real feel for fantasy writing.
Best of luck
DP Walker
Five Dares

TEN SCROLLS
You’ve created a wonderful fantasy world for this story. Then peopled it with interesting characters. I’m looking for a place to go on vacation this summer and Auril seems like the ideal spot. You forecast very well, however, that Auril isn’t perfect and disaster will soon befall it. If I had a suggestion it would be to trim back the description in the first chapter so you get to Aranorin sooner; then add in those beautiful sentences about Auril on a need to know basis. Either way, you’ve obviously spent a lot of time devising this fantasy world. It shows in both the customs and magic you describe. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Gilbert,
I read your prologue and thought you described Auril is such an enchanting way. It's a place different from our world and somehow reminds me of Narnia in those Chronicles by C. S. Lewis. Your prose describes such lovely images and is almost poetic. This type of writing is most appealing to young readers with vivid imaginations who want to be swept away to another world imagined first by the author and then by them.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hello there, I'm here with a Worldbuilder crit for you.

I read the prologue and managed to get partway through the first chapter before my attention began to flag. The prologue was lyrical and poetic; it reminded me of an ancient Greek play in a way. However, I did notice that there were some punctuation issues - either there was punctuation where there shouldn't have been or no punctuation where it was called for, etc. Most of what you've written as your prologue could almost be used as an epilogue, in my opinion, to kind of sum up your book.

The first chapter, though, struck me as rather odd. There was a lot of narrative that, while quite descriptive of the world you've created, didn't really propel the story forward at all and I felt my interest flagging. I noticed an abundance of sentence fragments and more inconsistent punctuation and these are things that really pull me out of a story, as I've said in other crits. In addition to being a sentence fragment, your line "Always teaching and always having something to say." read strangely to me, as did the sentence that began, "Life began to come to life..." "...stout little fat man..." was rather redundant, as "stout" and "fat" are synonyms. Unless you've got a 400-lb. guy in mind for your character, I'd stick with one adjective or the other, but not both. Also, "rung" should be "rang." If you were saying that "the bells were rung only once a year," that would be okay, but as you have it now, "rang" is the correct choice.

As always, take with as much salt as you like. Good luck!

Sorry for the long delay, Gilbert … I blame my day job, which recently became a day-and-evening-and-sometimes-late-at-night job.

Anyway.

My critting tools may now be a bit rusty, but let’s see what they can do.

Some nice ‘high fantasy’ language going on the prologue. A little overdone for my taste (and I suspect it’s rather out of fashion in the current market), but it sets the tone for what’s to come. I know straight away I’m dealing with a classic archaic-style fantasy and not something modern/gritty. So fine. Whatever works for you.

I found it a tad odd that the prologue appeared to be Aranorin addressing the reader in first person and then Chapter 1 is about him but told in third person. A little disorienting. And yet apart from this, the start of Chapter 1 seems to be more of the same – description rather than action. If you’re going to have that highfalutin prologue then IMO you could do with a change at the beginning of Chapter 1. Something happening, something that grabs the reader by the throat. Doesn’t have to be action in the standard sense – could be emotion or inner conflict – but something.

Your paragraphs are very short, which I didn’t feel always worked as a stylistic choice. It all begins to feel a bit choppy if you’re not careful. In particular, I tend to feel that one-sentence paragraphs should be reserved for moments when you really want to make an impact. YMMV.

OK, I’m not really feeling Aranorin. He’s meant to be old and wise and serene and mysterious, but he acts pretty grumpy. I’d expect a man like that to be beyond the ‘Who was she to tell him to hurry?’ sort of pettiness he displays in places.

The broad physical comedy in this chapter suggests the book would sit firmly in the children’s market, and I see you’ve marked it as children’s/YA. Yet I really didn’t get that feeling from the prologue. Plus children’s and YA are two completely different things. I’d suggest focusing in on your target market and tweaking your writing accordingly.

The final scene just didn’t ring true for me. I couldn’t believe that Marc would be able to push all the way through the crowd and right past Aranorin and pick one of the flowers without anyone stopping him. And the lack of respect he shows to his elders, and his general meanness, seem over the top – surely he’d have been taught a lesson ages ago if he acts like that all the time. I think I’d actually connect to the story more if the flower was picked not out of nastiness but out of ignorance: a child who thinks it’s beautiful and doesn’t realise what he/she is doing. Just a thought, though.

From what I’ve read so far, there’s potential here, but I think it needs tidying up. In particular, the emotions and motivations of the characters to be made more real in order to grip your reader and draw them into the world you are building.

I love all comments, thank you so much...

The prologue needs to go or a drastic trim.

Then you have major problems with control of point of view and creating either a fresh world or a convincing sense of impending "shadow". What sets your story apart, and makes it a new story?

Hi Gilbert. Just read the prologue of The Ten Scrolls and wow – what an opening. It’s full of grandeur and panache, with beautiful description. The narrative is, on the whole, tight and focused. I’ve outlined some thoughts, which I hope prove useful. Backed.

Pitch.
The pitch does its job very well, giving an insight into the story, drawing the reader in.

Prologue.
There exists a place...
Its plains meet plateaus...
The first two opening paragraphs are panoramic in their descriptions. It’s almost like watching the opening of a film. They’re filled with evocative imagery that draws the reader on into the story.
Repetition: I only appear when needed, by the call of a true (heart), when faith is waning within people’s (hearts). I don’t think you need the 2nd bracketed word. It mars the flow of an otherwise good sentence. I only appear when needed, by the call of a true heart, when faith is waning within people.

Repetition: Your (world) begins to protect you from the onslaught...terrible things are about to happen in your (world). Again, I don’t think you need the 2nd bracketed word: Your world begins to protect you from the onslaught... terrible things are about to happen.

Hi Gilbert,

I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took so long, but I've been swamped lately. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Prologue: Magical, mystical beginning. I can really picture this strange world of Auril. Hmmm it sonds like the place has faded, though. It's implied lack of belief destroyed it. Strange. Does this magical world rely upon ours somehow for its very existence? Are our worlds paired? There are lots of unanswered questions here. I'll have to read on and find out. ;)

Chapter 1: I like the way you use the jorney of the wind to introduce us to the world. I think the technique works v well, like a camera gradually zooming in.

1 tiny suggestion, though. I'd avoid forms of began/started where possible as actions don't really start. eg instead of "... as the wind began to blow." I'd suggest just "... as the wind blew."

Reading on... This world really seems beautiful. The colours are all so vivid. I can picture it v well.

Aranorin seems a wise and kind sort. Ah he's more than merely mortal, it seems. He's been around for a v long time indeed. Seems he's haunted by memories of an old war, though. Hmmm is this perhaps foreshadowing of a darkness yet to come? Fascinating.

I've a small suggestion here. While your descriptions are good and vivid, I think you sometimes overdescribe. eg in "... the door to the throne room banged open and slammed against the wall with a boisterous bang." we're told about the banging twice. I think once is enough. Such repetition may jar a little for readers.

Reading on... I almost laughed when the 3 kids burst in on Aranorin. I wonder how close they just came to getting killed, though. I bet it's a bad idea to startle somebody who's obviously so powerful ;). Sounds like something urgent's happened, though. What could it be?

I've another suggestion here. I think sometimes you could write things in a more direct fashion for greater impact and pace. eg I think "He reached to Griffin and grabbed him" is a little roundabout and would read better as "He grabbed Griffin."

Reading on. I almost laughed again at the image of Bloomin flying through the air. These kids are a menace ;). Hmmm what's the import of the flowers? They seem trivial, but Aranorin's reaction shows there's far more import to this than 1st meets the eye. Why is he so sad? The hope tree's covered in blossoms too. What's going on?

Ah hope flowers haven't bloomed here since before the 1st war. They must bring back bad memories for Aranorin. Perhaps the flowers also signal something. Yes, it seems as if the flowers show great change is coming, thought it's unknown whether the change wil be good or bad. No wonder Aranorin was so freaked out!

Wow I didn't expect the flowers to disappear like that after Marc plucked one. Eerie. They really are magical. Looks like the act leaves Aranorin's temper on a knife' edge.

Chapter 2: Poor Aranorin. He seems shattered by the news. :(

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, where possible, your story would really come out if you could find ways to show more and tell less. eg "He wanted to be alone." is you telling the reader he wants to be alone. Something like "He locked the door and slid to the floor. He hung his head etc..." would show the reader he's depressed via his actions. I think such a technique paints a more vivid picture + is more involving for the reader.

Reading on... Nice poem/song. It has a real sad/wistful quality to it. Aranorin's musings on the last war made me shiver. V dark and ominous. This Aeon sounds terrifying. the loss of Garon seems to have hit Aranorin harder than anything else. Seems he still mourns it after all this time. :(

Ah and it looks like our world may be responsible for the fading of this other world as we've stopped believing in magic. the 2 worlds must be linked. I wonder if our world will fall too when theirs does.

By the end of the chapter, it looks like the future is balanced on a knife's edge with only Aranorin protecting the veil. What will happen if this tired old man should fail even for an instant?...

OK I just noticed how much I've written. I better stop now. Sorry, I think I got carried away. :)

I think there's a lot to like in your story. There's a real beauty to the world you've created and it's filled with magic and mystery. Aranorin makes a great character; a man of great power and wisdom, tested almost to destruction by sorrow and dark memories. The hints of coming peril are woven in gradually, and all the more effective for that. I can see your audience reading on eagerly to learn what happens.

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you find an agent/publisher soon. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Hello Gilbert, at long last come for my Alliance crit. All that follows is just one person's opinion and should be taken with pinches, cupfuls, sackloads or ocean-loads of salt.

The pitch- very gripping. However one paragraph lost the edge- 'Across the veil...' The 'it defends you' sounded awkward compared to the rest. Perhaps: : Across the veil, Earth is erupting. Great winds of changes are moving across your planet, defending you from the evil setting its will against your existence.'

PROLOGUE

Wow, lovely opening! It's got a real 'ancient tale' feel to it. It reads well, but some things I am tripping over, e.g. 'The memory of their story has faded from...minds...who should never have forgotten it'- this reads better to me.

The word 'magical' is coming up a lot, which is dulling its impact for me. I'd leave it out and save it for the REALLY magical moments, rather than a blanket 'it was magical'. 'Enchanting' is a reasonable substitute but for the most part you could drop the word altogether, and let your fantastic descriptions tell us it was magical.

Your narrator has a clear, unique voice, and it's really holding my attention well. Excellent!

Well, that was a stellar opening! Lots of intrigue and mystery. The writing however could be tightened a little. There's some excess words here and there. But otherwise, good job!

ONE

Second para, you could lose the 'onwards the wind blew' (as you just told us), and go straight for 'Up the trees', as we can infer it's the wind.

The third 'wind' could be replaced by 'it'. Having the word used to many times to close together makes it sound clunky.

'pierced the darkness away'- not sure how you 'pierce away'? Perhaps 'pierce through'?

'the great white city'- you could cut the white here as you go on to say 'white walls' straight after.

'...was awake earlier that morning'- I think I get what you mean but not sure. Do you mean he was up earlier than usual? Or that he had awoken early to see the sunset? Would like a bit more clarification.

'serene and tranquil'- same thing, right? I'd drop one.

'He was leaning against his staff(,), peering over the landscape'- think it needs a comma.

'the ancient...clawed in his hands'- doesn't make sense as you've made the staff the subject. Unless the staff has hands, it can't claw! Perhaps keep Aranorin as the subject: 'He was leaning against his staff, peering over the landscape, resting his chin on the gnarled piece of wood.'

'Aranorin was a mysterious wizard'- I think here you've a great opportunity to describe this fellow. What's he look like? Beard? Unique eye colour? Hair? Clothes?

''Life began to come to life'- this sounded weak to me. 'Life stirred in the city...'?

'since the Great War'- so you mean the city awoke like this since such a war began? I'd clarify if you meant 'the end of the Great War'.

Okay now you have about four paragraphs saying the same thing- that the city awoke. Cut the lines about 'waking the city' except the first, and then let the description flow together. Otherwise it just seems you're really banging on about the city waking up!

Same with Aranorin watching over- you've said so! No need to repeat it so much.

'Aranorin looked up...' the second part of this doesn't make sense. It needs to be a new sentence or have an 'and'.

More word repetition coming: 'crystal'. If you find yourself relying on the same word too much, try re-writing the sentence so it doesn't need it.

'...peering rather angry'- this line isn't making sense to me. '"You cannot just burst in here and scare the life out of me," he said, frowning. "This better be important."'

'Aranorin shrugged his shoulder'- I'd like to know what other body part you can shrug! You can cut the shoulder.

You seem to contradict yourself here- you say Aranorin is fit and healthy, yet then he's tired out by the time he gets to the bottom of the stairs. I'd go for consistency- he's either fit or not!

'at his big well-developed'- ok I had to chuckle here as the 'well developed' made me think he had breasts! Stick with 'big' or 'muscular'.

'a sudden shriek deafened everybody nearby'- I found this weak. Just 'As the door flung open, Aranorin was deafened by a sudden shriek'. Relate it more to Aranorin.

'grabbed his mouth'- whose? Griffin's or his own? If you mean to hide his laughter, I'd go for not so strong a word, like 'He put a hand to his mouth, chuckling.'

The backstory of the characters is distracting me. It's not really pushing the plot forward and it serves more as filler to let the reader know who's who. I'd prefer to find out who they are through seeing how they act towards the other characters.

Your dialogue is very run-on. Everything is split by commas. People do pause naturally in real life, don't be afraid of full stops (periods if you're over the pond). It's weakening the words because I can't work out how they are meant to be said.

All this stuff with the lake...huh? Where did this come from? You've drastically changed the pace but for no real reason. It threw me.

The children's dialogue is also inconsistent. You shorten some words 'We've' but not others 'we have'. If they speak formally, stick with that. If they're more laid back, go for the shortened words. Mixing and matching isn't working for me.

Your POV is jumping a bit now. I thought this was omniscent, given the telling-tale type style you have, but sometimes you lock it to a character. For this kind of writing, I'd keep the narrator more distant. Hard for me to say how to improve it, as I'm not very good at omniscent, but just a thought to keep in mind.

As new characters come, again you're relying on brief lines to sum up their history. Making me yawn! Make the characters interact more. For example, just having Marc shouting and generally being nasty is enough for me to know that he's a rival/ bully. You don't have to tell me!

I think I know now why I'm losing interest. All that wonderful atmosphere you made in the prologue has pretty much gone now. The pacing, too, of the discovery, and the rather lacklustre reaction, disappoint me. You've got a great build up of normalcy at the start- but the 'reveal' of the flowers blooming was much weaker in comparison. you need to pause, give us a taste of what the characters feel in reaction (confusion, sadness, whatever), and convey through their shock/ awe that this event is out of the ordinary.

'looked extremely angry'- weak again. you need to show us anger- clenched teeth? Frowning? Clenched fists? Take us there!

Okay, the end! I have to be honest here- your ideas are fantastic and I can see you can write well. However, it fluctuates far too much for me. Some bits are very weak- too much telling, not enough atmosphere for me to soak up, and there's too much distance from me and your characters. I'm finding it hard to connect with them (bar Aranorian). this disappointed me as I loved the voice and style of the prologue, which is entirely missing here!

So, what I like: original, clever, inventive ideas, potentially amusing characters, awesome setting and plot. The prologue was captivating and well written.

What I feel needs work: The atmosphere, closer identification with the characters, less telling (and more really getting thoughts/ emotions/ motives across without dumping backstory), and more natural dialogue. Chapter one let me down a lot after that knockout prologue- which is a shame as the story is very gripping and I would love to learn more about the conflict.

Hope this helps. As I said, you don't have to pay attention if you disagree with any of this. But these are my thoughts, all the same.

Best of luck and good wishes

Sam241

The story is good and very descriptive. And you have an amazing story. Some of it gets lost in repetition in the prologue. The name of the setting is less important than the setting itself. Bring me gently into this world and then amaze me. I had the feeling that you went for amazement first. Don't get me wrong at all. I love this story. Keep up the amazing work. (I don't have your descriptive talent.)

The story is good and very descriptive. And you have an amazing story. Some of it gets lost in repetition in the prologue. The name of the setting is less important than the setting itself. Bring me gently into this world and then amaze me. I had the feeling that you went for amazement first. Don't get me wrong at all. I love this story. Keep up the amazing work. (I don't have your descriptive talent.)

Gilbert,
Your writing is very lyrical, deserving of many stars. I liked the line: because you grew old and forgot to believe. Admirable theme. Highest compliments on the prose.
Best,
John B Campbell

backed you!!!!!!!

The Ten Scrolls - The Journey of Trust.
Prologue - The author evokes a wistful atmosphere, which is further enhanced by some visual descriptions of the world he had created. The problem I had with it was, ti was too long. I just wanted to get on with the story once the author had provided the setting and feel, much written here could be included, to better, effect as the story progressed.
Chapter 1 - Comparison could be made with The Lord of the Rings eg: the White City, the tree with its flowers blooming after thousands of years and the wizard, Aranorin. This may well be what you intended but I think you have more than enough imagination to create something that is uniquely yours. Having said that I think you showed the boisterousness of the children well when they came to Aranorin to tell him about the flowers.
Nitpicks: 'illuminated into view' - this part of the sentence read awkwardly - maybe, reaching farther into the land, it illuminated the White City as it came into view?
You have jost told the reader the city is white in the previous passage, possibly cut 'white' to avoid repetition.
'Life began to come to life' - reads awkwardly - maybe, life began to stir?
to close - should be - too close.
Descriptions, in the main, come across well but, in my opinion, Ten Scrolls needs a little more work. It might be an idea to look at the ms again, see what you can cut to make your story tighter, edit, then polish.

Nanty - Chrys!

Have 6 starred this and added to our WL which means you WILL make our shelf in the next (+4) round of backings (its 8am for us). Check our comments trail if u want to confirm this and do feel free to chase at ANY TIME to know exactly how long till ur going up...

From within the ancient deep a song is ringing, one of might and power, of ancient winds that no one ever knew. The Ten Scrolls begin to open and people read their ancient words, of magic, adventure and a journey far beyond the invisible imagination. A call is being made to the Earth, one from the world of magic. From Auril, the song of ancient mystery arises, will you hear? Will you return to the childhood memories you once forgot. Your fate depends upon the times you now have left to answer...

Hi Gilbert,

The precis of this story certainly has potential and currently, thanks to Ms Rowlingthere is a fascination in books about magic.

However, I'm afraid the writing itself needs some work. First, in chapter one the second paragraph sets the scene as being windy, but then in the next paragraph you say you say the world came to life gently - what happened to the wind?

Later, the bleating and grunting 'woke the entire city up' but two paragraph's later Miles' bellowing woke the entire city', that means the entire city has been woken twice within minutes. Also the words 'the entire city' are used three times within four paragraphs. Try to think of different ways to say it.

You have at least one typo in this chapter where you write close instead of closed.

Sorry to appear so negative, but if your story is to have any chance of publication you need to check the whole thing for this kind of error before submission.

Ron

Aranorian is a great MC you give him power make him wise and give him a wry sense of humour. He commands respect instantly and we are automatically endeared to him. This is a great book for its genre. I see my 13 year old grandson liking this but it will also appeal to many adults as well best of luck with it
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley – Please spend a moment to take a look

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Other than that, you've given us an appealing fantasy with believable characters and vivid settings. Lovely, lyrical prose. Smooth dialogue that evokes the era. Evocative narrative. Well conceived, well written. Backed.

You first chapter impressed me enough to read on. Well done! Backing!

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly

I am backing this book on the strength of the read which I found impressive enough to back. The problem is that while my Talent spotter ranking sank below one hundred I have been inundated with requests to read. If you require detailed comments please message me otherwise I was proud to back you and will watch with interest. Cheers for now. BACKED.

Hi. After six days on this site I am (unbelievably) still running to catch up with the people who have been kind enough to back me. Every time I log on I have thirty people to thank and review in return before I even get a chance to read some that I have picked myself from the book list. So, and I do not mean to be unhelpful, I am BACKING this on the read because I think it is every bit good enough to be in print (I think that is the criteria I should be using) but, although I have made written comments, I have no time to type up my thoughts. If you want them just message me and I promise to get to them ASAP. Otherwise, BACKED.

Dear Gilbert
I have come back to your book and also
want to say again love the book
cover. The long pitch is still one of the
best crafted on site...however ...I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

Hi Gilbert

I like the world you have created although in places it gets an attack of the JRR Tolkien's! The prose is simple and effective, but I think it could probably do with some editing to get to the narrative engine quicker. We can't all get away with Tolkien's leisurely pace! Backed.

Nicole (Chosen)

Backed!
Splinker
"I've Been Deader"

B.D.S.T. II

Aranorin's power will be released in full might in the second book... Thanks for that last comment, he is very powerful, but cannot by the laws of magic intervene in the worldly affairs, this will be lifted when Gaia repeals the laws... Get the book to learn more of this extraordinary character...

Dear Gilbert --

Your writing has the rhythm of oral tradition stories; we could picture the clan gathered by the fire to hear the story of Auril told. You caught us up in this rhythm and stirred our imagination as you began to unfold Aranorin's part of the tale. Our only suggestion at this point: consider showing us a bit more of who Aranorin is instead of telling us that he is both a mysterious wizard and person. We wondered if it would be possible to have him performing some bit of magic as he is introduced, something that will show us his power -- although we're not enitrely sure how to deal with the "mystery" part. Regardless, this is an intrighuing story that we're happy to back. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Gilbert this is an amazing and well written childrens fantasy novel. I would love to buy this one for my niece, she would devour it in no time. Such good writing and story line.
I wish you much success
All the very best
Helen
The Last Dream

Hi Gilbert,
I agree with Gordon -The Harpist of Madrid, below. Very nice writing, very solid.I think your cover art is compelling too, particularly the font. Good job!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe
Would you consider backing MEMORIES OF GLORY? I thank you for taking a look.

very good book with a cracking premise, love the idea of two worlds separated by a veil that is crashing down, could our global warming be the end of Auril? Very visual, a treat to read, backed

Hi Gilbert, this is brilliant from the very first sentence. What a book. I wish you every success with it. I am sure to return for more! Backed. Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

Hi Gilbert, this is brilliant from the very first sentence. What a book. I wish you every success with it. I am sure to return for more! Backed. Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

The book is now on hundreds of online retailers around the world, I am updating them as I find them myself and as they provide it to me, please visit www.tenscrolls.co.za to find out more... Your help in the selling of this book means that 35% of the actual profit goes to 8 charities based in South Africa (5), United States(1), Mali(1) and Kenya(1). 10% of remainde rof the profit is helping establish a global trust fund for the Raise Your Hand organization so we can reach more... Come guys, help me here and let us change the world together. Add me on Facebook to see the work being done. Thank you for those who have supported. It means much to me, not only are you helping me, YOU ARE CHANGING THE WORLD and WE, TOGETHER, are making a HUGE DIFFERENCE and can do more and this is my promise to use this book to make changes whereever it reaches.

A wonderful well written story.
Backed with pleasure.
Dawn,My Friends and Me

What a richness! This book is abundant with metaphors for what may be happening in the world. Beautifully written, heartfelt, compassionate and genuine. Your own kindness pours from the pages of this book. Here is and author who cares, deeply, and is devoting his art and his heart to his work. Very Fine Work.

My complements.

Backed with great pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

The book can be purcahsed online at Amazon or on www.tenscrolls.co.za - 35% of the sales profit goed to 8 charities ad 10% of the book goed to the Raise Your Hand foundation... I would appreciate any help from this place in helping me to make a difference in many childrens lives!

Hi Gilbert,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. I like the structure and think the paragraphs are fine as they are. Your story is Magical.

How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

This is pure brilliance which hooks the reader in immediately. The way you present the story with emotive language and great written skill make it extremely difficult to put down or ignore. I would definately read this to find out what happened to Arian as your skill at portraying characters and a plot line would be difficult to match. Backed with confidence. Could you have a look at my manuscript The Sacred Pool.

Laurence

This promises to be a classic fantasy/quest story. Written with a light touch; happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Your vivid imagination, use of short paragraphs and highly descriptive writing style all ensure that your finely crafted fantasy will appeal to and capture the imagionations of children everywhere. Your work is well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent and the dialogue is well done. Backed with pleasure.


Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi Gilbert, I loved your book. The prologue was beautiful and images of the world you were describing appeared in my head so wonderfully. You have a natural ability to be a storyteller and I can't wait to read more. Backed 100%.

this is definitely an attention grabber. good stuff.

Story of "greed and lust . . . a terrible thing happened" sounds like the economic crisis of 2008, but no, just the story of "two worlds that exist side by side." Sounds like the world of too big to fail and the rest of us. "There is still hope" like the election of Obama before he sided with Larry Summers and Goldman Sachs?

You have a nice world of fantasy told with a strong voice. I like the minstrels singing in the courtyards, the "dreams that have gone rotten . . . the slave and toil . . . grinding and burning." Still hints of the crash of 2008. Maybe it's just me, but it think you have a lot under the surface here meant to teach us all. I wish you the best with this and I'll come back when I have a little more time. Shelved for now.

I love this idea! Backed.

Hi gilbert
your book is a good read and I backed it with pleasure. lovely descriptions and very well written. I'm not sure there's anymore that i can say that others haven't already said.
very well done
regards megan

Very nice opening. Made me think a bit of Peter Pan and how adults lose their imagination and grasp of other worldly things.

Backed and good luck
Natalie

Hi Gilbert
Some strong writing here and I love your descriptive prose. This has a real professional feel to it and I'm sure it will do well. You obviously have a great imagination and a real feel for fantasy writing.
Best of luck
DP Walker
Five Dares

Usually I don’t see the need for most of the prologues in novels on this site. In this case I think it does work, but I would make it shorter.

Advice often given is to make the text more active. Now I don’t write children’s novels, so does it apply? Probably. In order to make it more active, lose the ‘was’ and the ‘ing’ words wherever you can.
Rather than, ‘he was leaning against hi s staff peering out over the landscape’ you could try, ‘He leaned on his staff and peered out over the landscape’.

You set a good atmosphere with Aranorin, and then he says ‘What the hell’. This jarred with me because we’re in a fantastical place, and my first thought was, would there be a hell in this place? If there would be, then it’s fine. If not, then hell would be a place known on earth only.

‘Now be it told that Aranorin was old...’ Did you intentionally rhyme this? It jumped out at me as being odd, but as I said, I don’t write childrens or YA, so maybe this is ok for this genre?

‘Who was she to tell him to hurry up he thought?’ You don’t need ‘he thought’. We know he’d be thinking it.

‘Nice one’ sounds too ‘English’.

I read to the end of chapter one. Sorry if the above nits sound negative, but I think you have a really good voice, and a great premise. The story flows well, and really, it's just a few tweaks here and there I think.

Wish I was better at children's fiction, but I'm not, but I can tell you I found the characters engaging, the story intereseting and I can definitely see the appeal in this type of story.

backed.

Lorri

Dear Gilbert, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed by 2 books & commented on, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help your book to advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to hopefully help it move up (everytime someone "comments"/"backs" my book, it moves up). I am ever so grateful for you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. I love rocks, too, & collect small ones wherever I go. :) I actually found one with seashells above Chico at a swimming hole. I got a pink one at Aruba boat docking area with looks like crystals on the top - it's oblong - pieces fall off if bumped. When my daughter was an exchange student at Cambridge, during summer break, she took a train trip to Switzerland down to Greece & around & got me a small stone at each country. :)

Dear Gilbert, I love that magical things come to life in your story - fantasy at its tops. :) Your poem really was great to highlight your book. You prepared me to read your book with your excellent hook before your story & your prologue. :) It is a good read, because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version, "Tell Me True Love Stories" which at the end tells my illness now/6th abusive marriage I'm in now. Thanks, Susie :)