Blood Moon (Ysabara's Kyss)

Wow. I've only read the prologue, but I can see that this would be very addictive. ;) I love the concept of the 'blood moon' - great name and conjured imagery both other-wordly and erotic (in a sort of sinister way - if that makes sense!). I found the opening couple of sentences a little wordy, but the rest of it reads beautifully. It's poetic, sensual, intense. I would definitely add the 'romace' genre to it as suggested by someone else. Backed without hesitation!

This is an imaginative story. You've created believable and likable characters. You've obviously spent a lot of time creating this fantasy world because you know fine details about it - and those show. Makes this feel like a real world. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Deborah Brown,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have a history of fixating on pitches, and in my fallible opinion, I feel yours could become even more gripping. The barrage of names slows the reading, and I suggest referring the whoremaster, daughter, and lover as such but not give them names. By the way, I like how you’ll be throwing this diverse and likely contentious group together. Your long pitch would benefit from a comma after “When she calls him” and something is wrong with the end sentence punctuation. Also, I like the sound and visual of the Blood Moon, and it has a creepy, visceral aspect to it. I would like to have a few hints thrown at me as to its danger and why the antagonist would want it to rise. In what way will it destroy humanity? I also enjoy how in this case it’s a prince enslaved to an evil queen, whereas it’s usually the other way around. You do a good job of building sympathy toward him, even in the pitch.

You kick off you story with both the sensual and the foreboding, a heady combination. Have you considered adding the romance or erotica genres to your listing? I question the “that her kiss engendered” phrase, but otherwise I think your writing matches your enchanting premise.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

There are fantasy novels--and then there are fantasy novels...and this, my dear, is a REAL fantasy novel. By that I mean, it's a thrilling new world, imaginative characters, a dark plot and all of these things are wrapped up in the one thing that really matters the most--excellent, flawless writing. Writing so smooth, it pulls you on. You can't help but keep reading, just as the boy couldn't help but give himself to Ysabara.

Backed!
Alexis A. Hunter
(The Five Staffs of Meledari)

Deborah,

Great premise, drew my interest right away.

This is really well done. I don’t have any nits. You have perfect amount of description – at least for my preference. I like just enough so I can picture what’s going on but can still use my imagination. The characters all came to life for me, Ysabara, Obis, Deven and Annamarria.
A very compelling read. Always happy to read good adult fantasy!

Shelved.

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

Deb,

I finally read your chapter 1. LOL. Sorry it took me so long. Er, that is, I think it's chapter one. It says so, but the thing after the prologue, in the second section isn't labelled, so I am not sure if maybe the one I just read (in the third section) is supposed to be chapter 3?

Holy wow, woman!! You are sooo impressive. Still a major creep-out factor here. I don't like that Devin. He gives me the willies. And he's a mean little bastard. LOL. But he's wounded by Ana's remarks. That's hilarious. I love it. There is a...I guess you would call it homo-erotic feel?...to this (is that a politically correct word? If not, forgive me, I am not homophobic, by any means). I didn't think I liked openly gay storylines, but apprently I do. Wow, I learn something new every day. Your writing style is fantastic, and I love the underlying insidiousness you inject. Vermin crawling unseen in the bed.

A few nits. Just a personal preference, perhaps, but you may want to change the font. Times would be easier to read and present a better image. Sometimes Authonomy won't change from Courier, though, so if it's the fault of the system, then just ignore this. It won't stop anyone from reading on it's own unless they are a complete idiot.

There are some times where you overuse the word was. I am sure you know it's a passive word, so try to minimise it's use. It not only tightens the writing in some cases, but it strengthens the prose. Also, I saw a few instances where you have "too" when it should be "to." These are small things though, and easily fixed.

Awe! I wish I could read more now! If only a hundred other books were not calling my name. Sigh. If only. I will be back as time allows, I promise you!

This sort of goes without saying, but, still shelved.

-Raven
The Shadowsword Saga

Hi Deborah what a brilliant opening, full of passion and intrigue. Who is the woman, is she the queen of the faeries, there is a really sense of mystery and magic in this which is only aided by your writing. It's really strong the opening paragraph is really evokes the place and there is intense imagery. The love scene is really intense as well and I felt for the young boy I don't think you gave us his name yet. At the beginning it seemed as though he was in a trance which only broke after the queen left him, he had no choice in his actions and he now seems to have made a promise that will haunt him forever. As I said this is brilliant, you have a real talent and this is on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

wow, i like it already. i'll be reading more of this. it interests me because i'm writing sort of something like this, fantasy. great job!

Call of Louise
Cres A. Jane

What beautiful descriptions and so entralling. backed

Hi Deborah, I can relate to this, (read Serpent's Blood and you'll see why!) Goes a bit further than I usually go - eye on the YA market- but you write very well and with passion. :) Jim D

Thank you :).

I decided to read your chapter 12 at random. The first term (werelight) caught me a bit by surprise out of context, but as I read on I liked that I could see the characters well. I understood the scenario even reading out of context. The dialogue kept the pace up.

I loved the last line of the chapter - I would have read on if you'd posted 13. I hope you do so soon.

Okay.... usualy, fantasy doesn't do much for me.

This however, is no regular fantasty tale.

This, is fantastic, you made me read and pulled me in to read more.

Great stuff.

Backed

Lorrii

I just can't get over this. There is a chilling grit to the writing and a marvelous open erotisim that is somehow both arousing and horror-making at the same time. You take risks in your writing and the plots of your story that few writers would take. I love it. Still on my shelf.

Raven
The Shadowsword Saga

Hey db,

I had quite forgotten what a marvelous writer you are... Lol! Not really, it's just so refreshing to pick something up that makes you feel like you're actually there. Love Blood Moon and am looking forward to reading more. Chris did a great job on the cover too. :)

Darkwinglord ~
Dark Son

Yikes. LOL. I was not expecting that. That's one hot and steamy first chapter. I do not normally read erotica as a rule, but I will dabble in it on occasion, and when I find books of this genre I realy like, I dive right in. This is well-written and beautifully executed, from what I have read so far. Your descriptions are exceptionally captivating, your ability with sensual prose and building sexual tension is beyond belief. I love the way she changed and became so sinister at the end. Poor lovelorn boy. Suddenly wishing my hubby was home. I will be back to read more as time allows.

-Raven
The Shadowsword Saga

An interesting first chapter. I don't read books like this but the dark hot scene in chapter one will appeal to the people who do love this genre.
Your writing is vivid and clean. The lines crisp. There are some instances of over writing. For example;
She bared her high, firm breasts to him...
to him is not needed. Unless I am mistaken and other people are there. Culling these overwritten parts will bring this together and clean it up.
Backed

Thank you for backing and for the very useful comments :))
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

An interesting first chapter. I don't read books like this but the dark hot scene in chapter one will appeal to the people who do love this genre.
Your writing is vivid and clean. The lines crisp. There are some instances of over writing. For example;
She bared her high, firm breasts to him...
to him is not needed. Unless I am mistaken and other people are there. Culling these overwritten parts will bring this together and clean it up.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I'm sorry for the delay in comment. I'm having problems with my system. I don't know if its Authonomy or me. I couldn't post comments first, now its not letting me view books.
You book is great. I love a great books with some good ould fashioned 'filth' in it. LOL.
As you know I have this backed. The very best of luck with it.
Leigh

Excellent writing, in places highly erotic, also very imaginative. This is not my genre of choice, but this example is I believe good, and worthy of backing.
BADD

Hi Deb,

Prologue and chapter 1 finished so far. The first sentence in the prologue should have a comma between periphery and illuminated. Other than that - I'm tapped. This is very sweet. Dialogue flows and is so smooth and the voices are distinct and individual. Love the setting. I really enjoyed this story so far. I'm just trying to figure out how to add it to my bookshelf; it's already on my watch-list.
Cheers, Jim P

Thanks JIm :))

Hi Deb,

Prologue and chapter 1 finished so far. The first sentence in the prologue should have a comma between periphery and illuminated. Other than that - I'm tapped. This is very sweet. Dialogue flows and is so smooth and the voices are distinct and individual. Love the setting. I really enjoyed this story so far. I'm just trying to figure out how to add it to my bookshelf; it's already on my watch-list.
Cheers, Jim P

Hi Deborah!

I'm way out of my realm in critiquing fantasy books like this, but I do know good writing when I see it. (I'm seeing it here - just to clarify!!!) Couple of things - in your pitch, I'd suggest sectioning your long pitch into multiple paragraphs. Also, consider taking out "has striven" (which felt awkward to me) to read "Brasis strived to find a ..." Consider taking out "try to" (to clean this up) to read: "companions must find a way to make prophecy reality." And consider taking out "find a wayto" (again, cleaning unnecessary words) to read: "if they can act together..." Just tightening up a bit - it's a style thing - totally your call.

Inside, your writing is really very polished. I did find one place (paragraph 10) where fifteen year old needs hyphens (fifteen-year-old). Love the torture you build in the prologue - pain, lust, longing, love - all torture of some form or fashion! Definitely a great start to a very promising fantasy thriller! I'm happy to back!

Kim
Invisible Justice / Brute Justice

Thank you Kim. I wrote that on the fly LOL. After 2 years working on Blood Moon I still didn't have a synopsis.

Hi Deborah!

I'm way out of my realm in critiquing fantasy books like this, but I do know good writing when I see it. (I'm seeing it here - just to clarify!!!) Couple of things - in your pitch, I'd suggest sectioning your long pitch into multiple paragraphs. Also, consider taking out "has striven" (which felt awkward to me) to read "Brasis strived to find a ..." Consider taking out "try to" (to clean this up) to read: "companions must find a way to make prophecy reality." And consider taking out "find a wayto" (again, cleaning unnecessary words) to read: "if they can act together..." Just tightening up a bit - it's a style thing - totally your call.

Inside, your writing is really very polished. I did find one place (paragraph 10) where fifteen year old needs hyphens (fifteen-year-old). Love the torture you build in the prologue - pain, lust, longing, love - all torture of some form or fashion! Definitely a great start to a very promising fantasy thriller! I'm happy to back!

Kim
Invisible Justice / Brute Justice

Hi Deborah,
This is really my kind of read. I love the premise, it's totally unique and your writting really pulled me in and kept egging me on to read more. Brilliant and shelved.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Hey you wrote it not me! lol x

Any novel that has a cock plunging into ice cold water is a book I've got to back! lol

Seriously. I enjoyed the read.

Backed with pleasure.

Bob (Auctoratus)

LOL. That soumds seriously kinky Bob. Thanks for backing. I will return the favour as soon as I get a chance to read your book :))

Any novel that has a cock plunging into ice cold water is a book I've got to back! lol

Seriously. I enjoyed the read.

Backed with pleasure.

Bob (Auctoratus)

Imaginative stuff! I liked this a lot.
Backed.

Thank you Francesco :))

Imaginative stuff! I liked this a lot.
Backed.

Deborah, terrifiic stuff. I'm not into fantasy, but all I read is highly imaginative and so well delivered. Love in the prologue; "...her smile tore his heart from his chest and cast it at her bloody feet." So backed!
Thomas J Winton
(Beyond Nostalgia)

Thank you Thomas. I have added Beyond Nostalgia to my WL and will read it tomorrow :))

Deborah, terrifiic stuff. I'm not into fantasy, but all I read is highly imaginative and so well delivered. Love in the prologue; "...her smile tore his heart from his chest and cast it at her bloody feet." So backed!
Thomas J Winton
(Beyond Nostalgia)

This is great. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Your description is excellent and imaginative. You set the scene vividly and erotically. Excellent work. Good luck with it. Definitely backed.

Sara (The Organ Grinder)

An engaging opening para in a high fantasy style, I suggest ending the final sentence at ‘trees’ as this would read stronger. And the same with the sentence about the stone, end at ‘finger’, often, cutting in places like this will strengthen the prose. Unless there is a reason to keep his name from the reader, name him, readers prefer it and an opening needs a strong identifiable character.

- She smiled at him, knowing the effect she had on him. – suggest losing ‘at him’

- As she untied him, - this sounds like he’s been tied up, suggesting moving breeches up to the opening.

- when his vision cleared – you have ‘vision’ earlier in the para if pos use something different here.

- not sure about the use of ‘cock’ in this genre

The writing is strong, but I would suggest looking for what is superfluous – as described above – and cutting to make it even stronger. Also watch out for repeated words.

Overall, I enjoyed your prologue. The first chapter brings the story into the present and moves on well. You introduce a complex set up and engaging characters. Already there is lots of potential for conflict, and romance. Thanks for the read.

Thank you for the feedback and suggestions. I'm nearly at the stage when I can go back and start tidying things up so your comment is really appreciated. :))

Very good! This captured my interested straight from the beginning. I found the start to have a stark, almost dreaming quality that was a pleasure to read. I esp. liked the little touche like Ysabara calling the boy 'my lord' clearly mocking him. the twist at the end telling that he was indeed a lord was very good.
Backed.
Cheers Cam.

Deborah

A great read....loved all the fumbling and grasping......If I have one complaint it's that he's only 15, that shot the vision to bits in my eyes.....I wanted him to be about 48 and look like George Clooney.....(not joking either unfortunately)....

Well written and perfect for your catchment audience.....Am going to leave you a seperate message.....

Shelved with good wishes for 2010....

Dear Deborah,

Blood Moon - She, Ysabara, the Glyhm queen makes Brasis yearn for release, toys with him, bewitches, marks him. The Blood Moon was a thing of legend, or was it? He was heir of Ilion and no promise made to a faery would bind him, would it not? The motivation of those who want the world to fall is not clear, but who cares - the sizzling characters and the power of fine descriptions make such questions dissolve with the pleasure of being enticed.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Gotta agree with Simon on your book. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

"She freed his hot, throbbing flesh from the prison of his breeches." tee hee

I'll back this. There's a real story here. Like a fairy story with sex.

LOL. Thanks Nick... sexy fairy tales are a favorite of mine :))

"She freed his hot, throbbing flesh from the prison of his breeches." tee hee

I'll back this. There's a real story here. Like a fairy story with sex.

The first chapter really pulls you in and although I don't always like the fantasy on here I have to say I am quite taken by yours! Good work and well worth a backing!
Simon

A good solid start and I enjoy your story telling

backed

kev

I think the read is engaging from the first chapter, after the
section in italics. That first section is lyrical and atmospheric
but quite hard to follow, and slow. Both scenes in the second
chapter have tension as well as atmosphere.

Best wishes,

AlleJo