The Male Influence

THE MALE INFLUENCE:

Monique,

Magda's stream of consciousness monologue, talking to her father's ashes in chapter one, is the best piece of writing I have encountered on the authonomy site in the ten and a half months I have been reading. I was absolutely captivated by it, and found myself reading slower and slower in order to savour the lyricism.

You are a poet. Your prose is poetry. There is rhythm in every line. The syntax is perfect, impeccable.

I was almost afraid to go to chapter two, in case I wouldn't find the same fine writing. But there is was again.
Jewel - justify - journey. I noticed in chapter one as well, how you love the "delicious trio". I don't know the literary word for this, but there is something about it that pleases the ear and the eye and the senses, all at once.

I will buy this gem, this jewel, when it is in the bookshops.

Backed, with admiration.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

Your brilliant opening line hooked me. Magda is observant, wise and likable. You've given her complexity, vulnerability and considerable depth. It is fascinating to view life through her eyes and mind. Your prose is delightfully literary (ie, it's time for breathing in the view) You enrich your story with wonderful metaphors and superb similies. Your decriptions are word pictures. For example, The morning light warming the tea-tree reserve, its ash-browns of bark and the dark greens of leaves. Your word play is exquisite (ie, 'you are the dark to Dad's light' or 'the harshness to his softness). So lyrical. Your pacing held my attention throughout my read. This is a powerful, emotional tale, masterfully told. Backed.

Shrewd opening paragraph ... gets the attention, but subtly, thoughtfully. Then onto the wonderful flowing thoughts of Magda, a woman with poetry in her veins ... 'like your brow, bow of your lips, the waves in your hair'. Even ugliness is lyrical as she recalls her mother sleeping. 'This place of smiling from the inside', just lovely. You play with words, Monique, like a cat plays with a mouse ... 'declare gutless. No, it says guiltless', 'Alive, Alone, Alright', 'Mum's salvo salvation had slithered into my bloodstream'. We stumble, with Magda, through the lessons of her life, 'I finally got the gist of his film', 'What if he was my one great gift'. But always the poetry, 'the key of life kohled at my core'. This is exquisite ... literary fiction at its finest (Chick Lit? Bloody ridiculous). It's a book to savor slowly, examining the architecture that turns words into structures where light and shadow are equally illuminating ... backed.

(Possible nits: 'fairy[-]lighting', makes it more instantly understood. 'Everything that was [h?]is, and this is all there is left'. 'the gig in Egypt ... first big gig [break?]'.)

"I want my guts to be eaten by bugs, want t feed the earth that feeds me and be a part of the world turning. Dead or alive, I don't ever want to die." What a great couple of sentences. Frankly, your whole first chapter is sentence after sentence of great lines. Very lyrical and very emotional. I could feel the memories coming back as you wrote, "What can the mix of flora and fauna have to do with mustard? Not even fancy mustard, must a cack yellow paste with an overpowering stench of white vinegar. " It's interesting to know that this is the jar that now held the ashes of her father. ". . . and it wasn't even filled to the top . . . your whole life, in the palm of my hand."

I jumped ahead a few chapters and there is still the same lyrical description: "Allan looks happy too, leaning over his bowl forking greasy spirals of pasta into his mouth, his lips glisten." This is a very interesting read that I need to take a look at again when I can get a little more time. Backed with pleasure.

I wouldn't diminish you by calling you a wordsmith. It's like the difference between a blacksmith and a sculptor: You are a word artisan, a studio genius who takes each phrase, inspects it under controlled light, discards and looks for another.

Brilliant lines, starting immediately with 'sash window triptych'. Your 'feet up on the Noguchi' immediately tells us reams. I love the African proverb. I think you're missing a strong bet if you don't classify this as literary fiction.

Beautiful writing and I back it.

Hi Monique, are you the very same Monique that I remember from Tahoe in 1988? Would love to hear from you?

Hi Monique, are you the very same Monique that I remember from Tahoe in 1988? Would love to hear from you?

good picture, good idea, good story- on my watchlist...
read SEASONS....

Your narrative voice is strong! It drives the plot forward, though the forward (in this first chapter) is round and round the glass jar on the shelf or in her hand, along with all the memories they garnered up. Happily backed.

Jay Squires
"Eddie and the Boxcar Painter"
"Keeping Score"

THE MALE INFLUENCE by Monique Grbec.

Although there is no limit on the Comments that can be made, I don't usually Comment once an author has attracted over 100. Your book Monique is an exception because it demonstrates all the hallmarks of quality writing. What is more it is commercial. I, for one would buy it - thousands will also - I suspect: "Selling like hot cakes..." comes to mind. Your characters are perfectly defined and have depth of emotion and inner reflection that engage your reader totally. Your command of, descriptive and sense of place writing, is vivid, controlled and highly readable. You have a poetic flair which runs like a golden thread in a weave of subtleties and nuances and whose refrains, prompted by popular songs and pertinent ditties enhance the 6 Chapters posted. Backed and re-Watchlisted.

Tony Brady. - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

I was surprised by the beauty of this book. As Magda’s thoughts run as questions on the past as she prepares to part with her fathers ashes. Some of the narrative you use is common place some incredibly authentic. Ordinary, it is not. You have a rare talent in your writing, you open our minds and educate and enlighten, bravo to a superb piece of work.

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can spare a moment to take a look

Dear Monique, I live in Melbourne Australia too, so it only seemed fair to back a fellow Aussie, however that was not the main purpose of this backing. I love the story you have created, Magda's story reflects my own childhood and adolescence in so many ways. by all means an absent father, the envy I sensed when my friends had such close nit relationships with theirs. It all touches a chord within me that made this novel impossible to walk away from.
A brilliant piece of work, which I'm certain will touch the chore of every emotion within me. This novel deserves my utmost respect and backing. When time permits I will definitely return to read the remaining chapters.
Best of luck to you, and much success.
Sincerely
Helen
The Last Dream

THIS BOOK IS BEAUTIFUL, BELIEVE ME.

BACKED

Hope you get the chance to peek inisde The Russian Hat!

warm wishes
Brendan

hiya Monique, wonderful POV, poetic prose, very evocative of time and place.
on my shelf.
i said i was going to pass on some picky comments. sorry, didn't find any. ;)
on the micro side, no quibbles at all.
on the macro, here's a highly subjective thought about your narrative arc that may strike a chord. if not, pls ignore.
i loved m's brilliant stream-of-consciousness, her memories of her dad, etc, in ch 1, but wanted that ch to be a tad shorter, so we'd get to the "forward-momentum" storyline - Yoho et al - sooner.
just a thought.
very best wishes, andy

Extremely original, stream of consciousness text. Your cover art is interesting too. I enjoy this whole concept. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

What a great opening chapter. The writing is rich and descriptive, and the way you lay out your MC's family relationships and questions and angst is just wonderful. I didn't see any technical weaknesses in the writing; I really don't have a critique to offer. Truly good work, and easy to back.
Craig
The Job

Hi Monique
This is really original and I think you have developed a good story. Magda speaking to her father's ashes is a classic idea. Your writing is sharply visual and I enjoyed what I read very much. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

I believe your book really has something to say and you portray it well. Strong characters, and your work reads like prose, beautiful in its flow well crafted. I have not read it all but will definitley say BACKED and then will put on my WL to continue. BEST of luck Monique best of luck. I would really appreciate it if you would read some of my work, and also give your comments. thank you

Denise
'The Letter'

THE MAN INFLUENCE

Dear Monique,

I have never enjoyed meeting a character in a book so much as Magda when she speaks to her father's ashes and looks at an old photo. It's time for them to part.

I aspire to the control and use of language that you demonstrate in the first two chapters of this book.
I want to read this book in hard copy to hold your writing words in my hands.

On my shelf.
A Zoomer
Going Out in Style

The pitch drew me in(Mother being schizophrenic) but the writing made me stay. It made me feel gritty in ways only a good writer could.
Im new to this site and just found the harper true life section. Im sure we will see each other around.
Good luck and Take care.
Sincerely,
Eric Shira
(Mistaken for Angels... On the trip from Hell?!)

This is great stuff. backed

The very first paragraph got me and it set the tone for the rest of your book perfectly. You expose raw human emotions and build Magda's character superbly. The first person narrative is perfect and the book developes very well from there taking the reader on a thought provoking journey. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Monique, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help it advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to hopefully help it move up (everytime someone comments/backs my book, it moves up). Could you please take a moment to "comment/back" my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." I'd be ever so grateful. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. I forgot to tell you how much I love your book cover - it makes me smile ear to ear - so comical/real. :)

Dear Monique, I love all of your adapted songs (She's got the whole world & also Here he comes walking down the street - you inuendos are fantastic. Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

Back again, and wondering why I ever wandered off in search of decent reading elsewhere. Every time I come back to this, it grabs me hard, and reminds my why I came here in the first place.
Up front, real, erudite, funky and riveting. Just wish I could back it again.
With my own work built on rhythms, cadences, paradiddles and off beats (without ever being a percussionist), I really love these dancing words (and spaces) of yours.
Rob

Yes, I can see why this is moving up the charts at a clip. This is original. But I must say, I am not a big fan of dialogue for your short pitch. The long pitch needs some editing as well. Don't tell us what kind of book this is, show us. Being Authonomy's #1 commentator and amateur pitch doctor, trust me, spend some time on your pitches; I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

Hello Monique, You really do have a way with words: they flow throughout your writing like a river. Your unique style makes even the mundane seem special. e.g. 'The kohl, the coal of the diamond is the innocence of the jewel.' Magda's life seems full of regret and I think that her character can be summed up with these words: '...don't look where you fall, but where you slipped. Great writing and SHELVED with the greatest of pleasure. Hope this continues to do well.

Phyllis
A Passing Storm (Would be grateful if you would look at this for me please)

The Male Influence
Monique Grbec

Eye-catching title and cover Monique. Relevant themes - the one which really stands out to me naturally, absence of father figure and consequences of that - you give an interesting slant, from the viewpoint of a female. Magda is a fascinating character. I thought this well written with some significant, powerful messages presented in a compelling, interesting manner. You have a captivating unique style of writing Monique which connects easily with the reader. All the best in finding a publisher.
Zan

Brilliant and poetic. Your words flow along and a pleasure to read - backed with pleasure
andy and vesna
When Spirits Break Free

I love stream of consciousness writing. Sometimes the style can tangle too much and feel forced, but I found this book, your overall writing style, to be very natural, easy writing.
backed
Genevieve

The sort of book I read when not on Authonomy. Wish there was more of it. Brilliant. Backed. Lynn

Poetic, insightful, moving opening. Backed with pleasure,
M (Weekend Chimney Sweep)

When people say an artistic has fantastic brush strokes, it's a compliment, you certainly have a way with words. This is a different level of writing to most. The way your descriptions come together is written with style. This is a unique piece of work that has presence.

Backed,

Lisa

The first chapter is very poetic and hasgood rhythm. I dort of flowed along with it. However, I also found it a little messy at times and fuzzy. for exaple:
"Hello Dad," ashes in the jar on the mantel...
is unclear as to how you mean that. dialogue followed by description like that is grammatically incorrect and more to the point confusing (btw I think it'smantel - mantle is something else entirely) and hard to read. You also confuse things further by have Hello Uncle Frank at the end of that bit not in quotes. You don't have to have dialogue in quotes in a story as long as it's clear what you mean, but having it sometimes and not others just felt messy to me.

The rest of the first chapter flows very well and her thoughts are clear and lyrical at the same time. The ending does feel quite final and I found it easy to stop reading at that point. You might want to consider adding some suggestion or foreshadowing of what's to come.

Overall a very beautifully written piece.

Best of luck with it.

regards
mood

THE MALE INFLUENCE:

Monique,

Magda's stream of consciousness monologue, talking to her father's ashes in chapter one, is the best piece of writing I have encountered on the authonomy site in the ten and a half months I have been reading. I was absolutely captivated by it, and found myself reading slower and slower in order to savour the lyricism.

You are a poet. Your prose is poetry. There is rhythm in every line. The syntax is perfect, impeccable.

I was almost afraid to go to chapter two, in case I wouldn't find the same fine writing. But there is was again.
Jewel - justify - journey. I noticed in chapter one as well, how you love the "delicious trio". I don't know the literary word for this, but there is something about it that pleases the ear and the eye and the senses, all at once.

I will buy this gem, this jewel, when it is in the bookshops.

Backed, with admiration.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

I like the opening of this story; took me a minute to realize Magda was talking to her father's ashes, but I finally got it. The next thing I like about it is the stream of consciousness rant that explains who Magda is and how lonely she is. That's an effective (and different) way to introduce and get inside a main character. Good writing. Backed. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Love the cover and have so far been riveted by the first three chapters - you really have a way with words and your prose are polished but best of all the dialogue is so down to earth! I have a sprinkling of ashes and road trip in The Cheech Room as well - take a whirl - I think you will like the style as much as I like yours!
This could fit in the Young Adult category as well - just a thought. BACKED

You certainly have a talent for words! The monologue style to start with is very good.

Interesting storyline very well told – looking forward to reading more

Famlavan – Museum of Old Beliefs

Hi Monique…I have just read the entire first chapter plus a bit of the second chapter of your book. Although it is clear that you have the talent to combine beautiful words into beautiful sentences, I feel you have a bit of work to do. It seems that you have a disease that I suffer from, as well…overwriting. I have made a few comments on this first chapter, and then some more on my feelings regarding the general nature of storytelling. Know that I realize that I may be the only person in the world that thinks your book needs some more work…I have read some of the glowing comments you’ve received by others. So disregard all if you’d like. Keep in mind that I am no expert and have based my comments solely on the beginning of your story. However, many authors have told me that I’m pretty good at this. Let’s see what you think….
CHAPTER ONE: I have no idea what a ‘Noguchi’ or a ‘triptych’ is. Perhaps a few words of explanation are warranted? The paragraph that begins ‘Tunnel vision, under the…’ and those paragraphs that follow, describing the path and the beach, etc., have some pretty words but since she is last seen on the couch, I have no idea what it means. Is she daydreaming? Maybe explain for clarity’s sake? Same with ‘the pleasure of being Koori’. ‘you guys wanted gear’ huh? You have taken eight paragraphs, at least, to describe your Dad and your Uncle Frank. Although beautifully written, it is too much and should be trimmed down to two or three, at most, to keep the pace of your story from dragging. How do the thoughts of how you want to be wrapped up in paperbard and tied with a leaf help to propel your story forward? Although nicely worded, your story would hold more tension if you condensed what oftentimes seem like rambling thoughts (three paragraphs to describe the mustard jar?) into something that your readers can more readily understand and identify with. Peel away the layers and layers of physical description regarding tiny details and tell your reader of your MC’s torn heart, of the tears she has shed, the physical pain of a life lived without real love. Tell us of the years of her torment and how that torment was smothering the good life she deserved to live. Perhaps she pretended that everything was okay, as she lived what seemed like a normal life to others, while the rejection and hurt was gnawing at her very bones or tearing up her stomach, the depression becoming the catalyst to her eventual journey to emotional freedom?
GENERALLY SPEAKING: You do have a way with very stunning words. But go through every beautiful word, every sentence and every paragraph and toss anything that does not propel your story forward. Add more dialogue at every turn to cement an emotional tie between your MC and your reader. Her relationships with other people, some good, some bad, will solidify your reader’s need to root for her. Your reader must be lured along by interest in your story, by the actual scenic puzzle of the actual happenings of her life and the characters therein, rather than her thoughts. They need to read of interesting characters caught up in a sometimes complicated scenery. They will quickly become bored with all the ethereal thinking and analyzing of everything, albeit eloquent writing. So use your wonderful talent to weave a clever story, leaving solid clues to lots of unanswered questions along the way, compelling your reader to read even more. Then bring all the clues together in an unexpected ending. But, most of all, make sure every word in every sentence in every paragraph counts. Oftentimes, in fiction, less is really more. Just my humble opinion. (It does look like there are many who find this just fine the way you have written it.) Good Luck and keep writing!

Taking a short break, so leaving an interim comment on The Male Influence.

Three parts (half way?) in and still stunned by the language, and still guessing at the possible roads outta here. Deceptively throwaway, at times, but the hard work and striving for telling prose is unmistakable and, in its successful completion, very uplifting to a writer like me.
I sometimes become lost for words, especially in immediate, off the cuff situations like this (offering worthy comment, without the timeless but tortuous framework required to produce fiction writing). But this, in my opinion, is one of the best five works of fiction to be found on this site, for sure (the others remain, more or less constantly, on my shelf).
The Male Influence feels honest, absolutely, and is often remarkable, as well. Obviously, I still have a way to go with it, but quality makes its own way, and this, in time will find its place on real shelves.
So far, I’m completely with her, confessional, yes, but no shrinking violet, she pulls me along with her, which is quite an achievement.
Will come back soon with/for more
Rob

Speaking to dad, as in the novel, is something many have done, me included. A wonderful storyline interspersced with Hollywood greats with some lyrics makes the work come alive. Natural locale descriptions are like being there.

Fantastic opening - goes well with your pitch which is very short but had better impact that way. I like the story line being developed, and you have good pace. There are a few mixtures of style here that probably need sorting out though. For instance you say "I sometimes wondered if you were my real dad" then state "Sure, I look like him....." Drive for some consistencies in such areas. Also be aware of one of my own major failings - too many commas, often, unnecessary. eg "Uncle Frank doesn't, hello Uncle Frank" would be better as 2 sentences: "Uncle Frank doesn't. Hello Uncle Frank". A good dose of editing and you could have a winner here. Backed. Colin

This is a great plot line. I think that you have something important that you are saying here but forunately you don't come across at all preachy! Your style of writing is compelling and fits well with the story itself. I found no nitpicks at all.
Barbara

Monique
This is beautifully told, it has a lovely rhythm and often felt like poetry. I especially loved your vivid descriptions of Dad and Uncle Frank, as well as all different treasures hanging off the window.The pace was lively and jaunty, I felt immediately involved with the short questions your character is asking. We are right inside her head and what a place to be!
Enthusiastically backed
Kati Jane (Little Guide to Unhip)

The short hooked me. Good story. Shelved.

I liked this from the outset – the sash window triptych and the crack and crackle path. Your writing is sharply, sparklingly visual. You communicate a love of language in the way that you play with words; I like the sound of your sentences. This is full of light and energy and emotion. As a daddy’s girl and a runaway at thirty, this plucked strings for me. I’ll keep it on my shelf until I’ve read it all.

Beautiful writing; evocative and vivid, compelling from the get go. This isn't chick lit, this is damn good story telling. I'm happy to give it a bit of time on my shelf.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

Good hook, nice descriptions. I like the way you linked walking the beach to earlier, more savage time. I like to think about that kind of thing in real life.

Your prose is incredible, beautiful and clever.

I like your powerful opening line and then the closure of the chapter... about being rid of him at the start and then the feeling of this when he is dead at the end...

I don't read lit fic usually so there isn't much I could offer for comment and even if I did I wouldn't have found anything to fault here, excellent polished writing.

Jo xx

Spoilt

This is just an incredible story. Magda has such depth, and the plot is attention-grabbing, making one think about what's really important. Backed without hesitation and watching this rise in the ranks!

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Jared recommended I read this as he's been gushing about it. Have to say, he's right. It's fabulous writing - very lyrical. I also agree that this is certainly not chicklit - masquerading under false pretenses!! ;)
I love the cover too....just perfect.
Not reading much at the moment as my book is done with the race - but really enjoyed this and happy to back you.
Jane
btw, I don't need a return read...

Awesome writing plolished with a touch of poetic beauty. The reader feels the charcters as if you were direcly connected to them. Well done. C W Shelved.

Awesome writing plolished with a touch of poetic beauty. The reader feels the charcters as if you were direcly connected to them. Well done. C W Shelved.

Fabulous cover, great pitches and absolutely nothing by way of crit here, I'm afraid. There's no need and I wouldn't feel capable. This is truly lovely writing - you use words with huge thought and care and paint word-pictures that are evocative and often visceral. Gutsy, very gutsy... My only negative is that you have this tagged as chick-lit. This is in no way chick -lit. Without meaning to demean an entire genre, you are giving a false impression. It is, to my mind, pure literary fiction of the best kind. I love it and love your unique voice and hope an agent or editor feels the same. Backed with great pleasure. Oh, and by the way, in case you think this is standard authonomy gushing, read my other comments. I'm a through reader and I usually find a fair few nits.
Backed with admiration.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

Opening line and last para...

Hooked!