Stand

Fantastic fantasy.

This is a well written novel, full of adventure and realistic characters. I would definately buy this if I found it on Barnes & Noble's shelf, and I would anxiously await its sequel. Best of luck with this!

Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy

Your vivid imagination has created a most interesting new world and your descriptive writing style easily transports the reader there. Your character development is excellent, your use of imagery is superb and the dialogue is tight and believeable. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi Shakat,

I just popped over to look at your book on a friend's recommendation. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Prologue: Great dramatic start. I love it that you drop us right into the action. Peculiar fight. I wonder why on Earth the king is fighting a woman in such a way? Is she an assassin? Or are they training together?

I've a small suggestion here. . I think, on occasion, you overdescribe a little. eg in "With a disgusted snarl..." the reader can figure why she's snarling from what went before, so you don't need to tell them. I think just "With a snarl/Snarling..." would do the job fine. ;)

Reading on... Ooh it seems 1 or both of the combatants are dead. Interesting. Who is this woman? What's a celebrant? It soon becomes clear she has powers. Perhaps she's even a sort of deity. Hmmm it seems both her and the king have powers to alter their attire/weapons. V strange power. Potentially devastating in a fight. Wow it sounds like they've been at odds for 800 years. How could they still be continuing after all that time? Ah and they're trapped somehow. The plot thickens...

I've a small suggestion, though. I think you don't need to explain your dialogue quite so much. eg in " "There is no 'we', harlot," Thomas dismissed her easily..." I don't think you need any of the explanation as the dialogue does such a good job of letting the reader know what's going on. I think just " "There is no 'we', harlot," Tohmas said..." would read better and faster. Your dialogue's good. Let it shine on its own merits. ;)

Reading on... Looks like she betrayed him somehow. Then we get a literal battle of wills ;). These 2 are plainly v powerful. The battle seems futile and endless. By the end of the chapter, though, we get a hint there's something that can set them free. A strange sword.

Chapter 1: Hmmm who or what is Shadowmar? Great ominous name. Aha seems she's a dragon! And her eggs are about to hatch.

I’ve a tiny suggestion here. In general, I think it’s best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don’t really start. They just happen. eg instead of “the 1st of the eggs began to tremble…” I think “the 1st of the eggs trembled” would work better.

Reading on... Awww I loved seeing the baby dragons hatch. v cute. I could really picture the scene. I was shocked when she tried to kill the ones that weren't her colour, though. I think that 1 action makes it clear just how ruthless dragons can be. They're as different to humans in mind as in body. Scary. I guess, in a way, it could also be seen as a dragon form of racism. Phew I'm glad Moonstone turned up just in time to save the silver hatchlings.

Aha a human keeper. That was a surprise. These dragons seem so wild and powerful I can't imagine what it would take to tame them. Uh oh looks like Shadowmar's in trouble for breaking the law. She's expelled. Ah that's how the keeper and the dragons get along. the keeper seems to provide a safe haven for the dragons to live and breed in. If that's the case, this expulsion's tantamount to a death sentence for Shadowmar and her brood :(.

I've a tiny suggestion on dialogue here. I don't think you need beats and speech tags simultaneously. eg in " "Are you attacking my keeper now, Shadowmar?" he demanded with his head down and his teeth bared..." we know who's speaking from the action. I think just " "Are you attacking my keeper now, Shadowmar?" He lowered his head and bared his teeth..." would work better. ;)

Reading on... Hmm I wonder if Shadowmar will survive and have her vengeance. Or if her dragonlings will. I suspect they might.

Looks like the keeper's breeding dragons. But it's hard to negotiate with other humans to get the food. No susprise. Who would want such potential killers on their doorstep? I fear terrible conflict will someday arise between the humans and dragons. Hmmm by the end of the chapter I wonder where the keeper and Moonstone are off to. Their mission seems serious...

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And he dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little, implying mystery within mystery. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store. Will this king and the celebrant ever get free? Can the dragons and humans coexist? Will Shadowmar and her dragonlings survive? The reader has to keep reading to find out more. ;)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete x

I like this...The opening paragragh is just enough of a hook to to keep the reader glued to the page! Nicely done.

This first chapter moves rather quickly, which is good for the pace of the story...Your description of character and setting never seems over written, which is hard to do in this genre...good job. I agree with the others...you have an amazing imagination!

I will back it tomorrow..(already have 5 on my shelf, but I had to read this today :) )

Cheers,
Dwayne

A great, imaginative work.Starred and added to WL with pleasure.

Best of luck,

Claire-Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls

Finally made it here for Chapter 2!

OK, I have to admit I didn’t like the opening scene. Too many fantasy-type words I didn’t recognise (yoracis, diasists) and not enough time to settle into my surroundings and get to grips with what is going on. I don’t know as yet how important it is to your plot that you state overtly that the heir etc are being targeted, but in my view the scene is either too short or shouldn’t be there at all. I don’t know who Braxi Vogarus is, and right now I don’t really care, because I haven’t got to know him (for good or for ill). Flesh it out, or cut it out and let Vogarus introduce himself properly later. Does that make sense? If not, just blame it on my recovering flu brain :-)

Ooh, a tiny dragon who rides on your shoulder. Now you’re talking. Into the main scene of the chapter …

‘The real home, Cairon sighed …’ – ‘sighed’ seems an odd word to choose here. You haven’t put it in speech marks, so to me it’s more of a thought or a speculation. And I suspect many people on here would object to ‘Spark dryly laughed’ (adverb, people/dragons can’t ‘laugh’ their words, etc, etc) – but personally I’d just like to get more of an idea of what the dragon’s voice is like. Is it dry in the sense that it suggests fire to the hearer, or just dry in tone? Does it hiss, screech, rumble? There’s an opportunity here for a good audio image.

‘A drake had warned him [that] someone from his parent’s village’ – I bet someone told you to take that ‘that’ out, but here I think you need it. The sentence reads awkwardly to me otherwise. (Incidentally, given the earlier ‘home of your parent’, I’m guessing ‘parent’s’ isn’t a typo. So he has only one parent. Interesting.)

In fact, I found that whole paragraph a little tricky to comprehend. Someone from the village has come to the Pass requesting a meeting, and she’s been taken to his cave … but she doesn’t seem to be the same ‘she’ as Cosima, who is in Draegot Manor – unless the manor is the cave? And the first sentence could be read in two ways as well: ‘reasons to go back’ could be ‘reasons to return to the city’ or ‘reasons to turn back to the Pass’. Later it seems to be ‘turn back’, but I think this section generally needs a bit of clarification. Plus I only twigged that the parent’s village and not the city he is currently approaching is called Polain when I got further down the page (‘hometown of Polain’). Sorry if you think all these things are really obvious, but I’m a stranger to your world and thus easily confused :-)

‘Unlike Paki Talc, he had no agreement …’ – this suggests that Paki Talc has an agreement with the leading Lionians in Cordetalis but Cairon doesn’t. ‘Unlike X, Y is Z’ compares X with Y, not X with Z. I suspect you mean ‘Unlike with Paki Talc, he had no agreement …’

‘Heard a raised eyebrow in the voice’ – I like this. Some wouldn’t.

‘Cairon complacently replied’ – why is he complacent at this point? Isn’t he trying to fool the guards and convince them of his borrowed identity? I wouldn’t have thought there’s room for complacency here.

Earlier you said that Cairon being pulled over by the guards wasn’t unexpected. Yet when they ask him his business (a fairly standard question), he doesn’t have an answer ready? He seems a pretty careful sort of chap. I think you could get around this pretty easily by not presenting the list of possibilities (trader, buyer etc) as though he is thinking through and discarding them. Have him already know what he’s going to say, and this para is just the explanation for it.

‘He had meandered his way …’ – this para felt a little abrupt to me as a transition between the meeting with the guards and the ambush. Could you draw this out just a bit? Put in some colour – what the city streets are like, Cairon trying to remember his way, and so on?

‘Unlike Cairon’s hide clothing …’ – this is another comparison that doesn’t quite work. This time you’re comparing Cairon’s clothing to the men. (Now there have been two like this, I’m beginning to wonder whether your understanding of the rules here is different from mine … so I won’t mention it any more.)

“Is there a problem?” he asked – the first time I read this I thought it was the bearded man speaking and not Cairon. Perhaps tweak to clarify.

I assume the sword has some kind of power of concealment? To explain why Cairon neither had to avoid nor bribe the guards to get it past them? Or does his assumed position as a servant of the House of Mirk preclude him from being searched? If so, why would the Girran make other assumptions?

Overall, some interesting questions are raised by this chapter and I like Cairon, but I think you have to be careful to avoid piling too many details and names into a short space, and thus overloading your reader’s poor brain :-)

Shakat,

I read your first chapter and enjoyed it. Your plot and setting of humans versus dragons is refreshing, traditional fantasy fare, but dragons disadvantaged over human poachers is a wonderful twist that allows the reader to immediately simpathize with their plight. You may wish to edit the first chapter and separate the prologue from the rest. You have them combined. They should be separate chapters. I noticed some comma usage errors. Take another look at the paragraph containing '. . . to the plight the Magma . . .' There is something wrong with this sentence, and I found the paragraph awkward. Also, look at the third paragraph from the end. I believe you ment to say MoonStone *will* come with the Keeper.
I will add you to my watchlist so I can read more later. Check out Age of Resurgence and let me know what you think. Ryan Holmes.

I mean, that's just my opinion. Of course, I've seen fantasy novels with small chapters as well, but just take a long at Legend of Drizzt. Most of Salvatore's chapters are HUGE! :)

Lol, sorry for splitting my comment in three :D It just sorta came to me... Also becuz many that have commented on my book have told me that they prefer shorter chapters, but again, those people don't usually read fantasy, so I guess that's why... And I guess you too have or probably will get the same comment about shorter chapters..

Oh yeah and by the way, many people dislike the use of long chapters.. Well, I'm quite the opposite ;) I believe long chapters are needed in the fantasy genre. You see, in ordinary fiction books there aren't these things such as magic, dragons, mystical creatures etc etc, but in fantasy, we need to cover a much larger perspective of these things AND at the same time fill the reader in on this new world.

So yep, I believe long chapters ARE the answer for fantasy (and maybe sci-fi too, but I wouldn't know).. Great job, anyways! :)

Excellent read that flows! Great fantasy and a solid character build! Love it! Backed and rated ******-gold stars!
This deserves to climb the ranks!

All the best wishes! :)

Robert Eetheart
A Candle's End

Hi Shakat! Here to start my return comments. As always, I have focused on constructive criticism rather than blind praise … and as always, much of it is probably personal opinion. Use what’s useful and discard the rest.

First of all, your long pitch. I have to admit that I had to read this a couple of times to really make sense of it. The first paragraph in particular gave me that name-overload feeling I get when I look at a lot of fantasy blurbs. It’s a lot to take in from one short paragraph, plus it’s all back story, which doesn’t give it an instant hook. But by the time I reached the end of the pitch I was interested enough to keep reading, so I wonder whether you could change that first paragraph to give it more punch.

On to the prologue. Good opening para – instant action. Though with dragons in mind from the pitch, the phrase ‘catch her by the throat’ did give me a conflicting mental image (seizing by the throat is somehow an animal rather than a human action in my head) – this may be deliberate but I thought I’d mention it. All becomes clearer as we get deeper into the prologue anyway.

‘From a crouched position’ – think maybe you need to say this earlier? You’ve already said Loni’s rolled to her feet and wiped her cheek – again, in my head she was already standing up straight, so to avoid confusion in your reader’s imagination, better to say up front she rolls into a crouch?

‘Silver shoulder braid’ – interesting. This is a weapon? I guess how exactly it is a weapon will be revealed later.

Hmm. Loni sneers twice in quick succession. Suggest changing one to something else.

Typo – descendents should be descendants (x2).

Overall, a good start, raising some interesting questions. I would read on … and so to Chapter 1.

‘Her body immovable’ – this struck me as a slightly odd description. Immovable is usually what someone experiences about someone/something else. Presumably she is able to move her own body, even if she has chosen to make it immovable to anyone else who might encroach on her nest. Does that make sense?

‘But the great black dragon could not hear …’ – this took me out of ShadowMar’s POV and also felt slightly clunky (on first read I wasn’t sure it was her you were referring to). I realise you need to let us know she’s a black dragon so her pleasure over the colour of her first hatchling makes sense, but could it move to the first para when you are talking about her and her appearance/position anyway? Alternatively, I think the reader could work it out once they get to ‘the silver colour of their other parent’. I believe in letting the reader do a bit of work :-)

‘She relished the chance to defeat him in anything’ – don’t know that you need this line. ShadowMar’s attitude towards him comes through pretty clearly in her actions and reactions. To use some of authonomy’s favourite jargon, this seems to be telling the reader something you have already shown – and thus it feels unnecessary.

Mostly you stick to ShadowMar’s POV pretty well, but there’s a section in the middle where it comes adrift slightly. ‘Watching ShadowMar’s snarling face …’, ‘ShadowMar’s eyes glimmered …’, ‘Watching her withdraw with confidence’ – these are from other perspectives. I’m slightly obsessed with POV, so this may be irrelevant to you. But I did feel that on the whole, your intention seemed to be to write from one POV rather than head-hop, in which case these areas might need looking at.

Missing word – ‘the plight [of] the Magma dragons …’

Overall I like the setup, though I have to admit a sneaking liking for ShadowMar (who by the end of the chapter seemed to be presented as an enemy). I’ve often thought that dragons would be more feral and incomprehensible than they tend to be written in fantasy, and killing any dragonlings that weren’t of the parent’s own type seemed a nice way to show how different sentient races have different moral codes.

Hope some of this is helpful. Let me know if you are happy to go on with our read swap :-)

This looks like a solid, classic fantasy. I admit, the pitch left me confused—there’s just a little too much there to unravel in such a short space. I’m also not sure how I feel about the prologue. I see the purpose it serves, but the way the fight plays out feels just a little too melodramatic to me. It’s also a little confusing, trying to piece together the specifics—that these are all spirits who still bleed, and what exactly the fight is about.

I got more into it as I read the first chapter. You clearly have a complex system of dragons worked out. One thing I noticed was a tendency to use descriptors (the Black, the Silver, the Keeper) much more often than names. I’m not sure if that’s an intentional choice to maintain more narrative distance. In the first scene, I felt distinctly that I was in a close POV with ShadowMar, which made it feel a little unnatural to avoid giving MoonStone’s name for so long.

As another small thing, there are passages where it feels like the word “dragon” is repeated a lot. Hard to avoid given the situation, but you might look for ways to work around it. Just a thought.

As I started Ch2, I realized that the entire first paragraph of the long pitch is backstory. Maybe that’s why I felt a little bit of information overload. Also, these first two paragraphs in Ch2 are a little thick with information. Particularly the first two sentences, where we have a lot of names and terminology spilling out at once. A tricky thing about fantasy is handling all this world-building without overwhelming the reader. Do we need all those names at this particular moment? Would it be enough to say “the entire province,” for instance? Again, something to consider.

Like I said, you have a rich and complex world and story built up here. My only other advice would be to watch the dialogue very carefully. A few times, it sounded like a modern phrase trying to shift into the voice of the piece but not quite making it—for instance, “Kid, do not be stupid,” didn’t quite feel natural to me.

Hope some of this is helpful. Good luck.

STAND

STAND lies backed on my shelf.
Would you like consider backing "NEVER LOSE..."?
TMN

It's taken me a while but I eventually got around to reading your book.
Well written and backed.
Mike (the compulsive adventurer) A tale with a difference.

Oooh- I love these characters...mysterious and Mythological. Plenty of action, without a doubt! This type of writing is easy to understand. Dialgoue is uncomplicated. Love it and it is going off to my shelf.
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

You open with great dialogue and action. Then you up the reader's interest with talk of a sword. We are all ears for what is to follow. In chapter 2 you start with the most beautiful name of a dragon I have come across reminding us of a dark brooding sea. The motherly scene is interrupted by a silver dragon who confronts her and we keep reading.
This is a true fantasy of heros and legends and I can't wait to read on.
I wish you every success with this, Sana x

I like the high fantasy promise of the pitch, original but with the components needed to generate the requisite adventure, mystery and danger: the killer usurper, the cursed blade, the Dragon Keeper... Looking forward to this...

And what a beginning - a fight between a king and a woman, spilt blood, strange words, 'I will never tire of defeating you in death'. Several dynasties of dead kings imprisoned? On to the thoughts of a dragon hatching her clutch, and then her feeling murderous to a couple of them. Fortunately, their father intervenes, and the keeper (is he the only one, I wonder - yes, it seems) exiles the violent mother. 'Heard a raised eyebrow in the voice', nice. Love the confrontation between Cairon and the robbers, 'The thug had bowed'. Then the odd girl, 'Are you making things up very fast...'

This is the kind of book I enjoy on long winter nights sitting by a blazing fire and imagining the dragons (both large and small) and the landscapes, the fights and the plots and the strange weapons. Cairon is the ideal protagonist for this kind of adventure, especially his affinity with animals which is bound to endear him to the reader. I'm also eager to find out who is the heir to the throne, and is it a man? An ambitious and epic fantasy ... backed.

Possible nits: Consider the following rewording, 'How she was counting the time that none of them felt passing...'?? 'A black beak made an appearance through the leathery shells [shell] of [one of] the eggs'. 'the shell pulled ... she pulled the three ... She pulled the remaining'. 'That could have shattered fire', maybe something less easy to 'break' such as granite or steel? 'More than one yoraci', more specific, 'several, 'a dozen', 'twenty-odd'?

This is a fine piece of fantasy. From the action packed opening and exploratory first part to the treacherous activities of SHadowMar you are creating a wonderful and vivid world to populate with your creatures and gods.

The fight scene and argument at the beginning has tension in droves rolling out from the language.

When ShadowMar attempts infanticide but is halted by scarier and more respected dragons your premise for good v evil is well set.

Excellent fare. Well written and tailored perfectly to the market you seek.

BACKED

Fantastic fantasy.

Shakat -

Stand - ah, I remember this story, very engaging, beautifully written. So I must have backed it before, for sure.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Shakat,

You have developed quite an interesting world within this story.Very creative.
Very Good writing skills. Action packed. Those all all the elements of a fanastic fantasy!
Good Luck!
Backed!
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

I read chapter 32. The second half of the chapter was much better.
I would recommend finding a faster way to relay the information for the first section. I was getting bored. I might try and go straight to the guy's thoughts as he's sifting through the paperwork....Oh crap, they still haven't found him...Well, at least we don't need to worry about finding him now, but how did those rebels manage that bit of devilry...in your own words, of course.
Other nitpicks
“Through the report Vogarus had filled out and sent to Lione, It had become official as of that morning, even though they all expected to deal with the crisis before any response was made from Lione itself.”….Slightly confusing.
So he instead calmly walked…so he forced himself to walk.
And pulled his borrowed sword in the same motion …pulled out? Freed?
…it was still a flock (and that’s negative how?)
Before the night came too deeply..deeply-best word? Sounds nice, but doesn’t emphasize the cold.

Intriguing from the action-packed start, you have a talent for language and for composing sentences that flow independently and in the context of their neighbors. In short, you're a talented writer! Great descriptions, dialogue that moves the story along. Nothing to complain of here, a beginning that would have me hooked!

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

This is a well written novel, full of adventure and realistic characters. I would definately buy this if I found it on Barnes & Noble's shelf, and I would anxiously await its sequel. Best of luck with this!

Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy

Why doesn’t anybody wonder where the Dragon Keeper is? I would have thought it would come up in several peoples inner monologues.
Chapter 37:
His pale, sweaty face made bile rise in Basonos’ throat (add period)
Consider rewording this sentence. It is very long and hard to read: His biggest fear had been that the Protectors would end up fighting the pursuing pakans with two other pakans behind them . . .
Chapter 38:
Most of the crowd was (were) recovering patients of the temple with only limited mobility(. Although,) the vast majority were still holding their weapons as if fearing to lose them if they put them down.
The rest of the wounded had been moved behind even (remove even) Kind Danoron, leaving the front empty.
Denthas could spot a dozen Celebrants and cutters among the weapon-carrying patients and these, to a man, carried weapons of their own. – I don’t understand that sentence.
The debris shifted again on their shove, rocking a little move (more) each time he . . .
“You are at my mercy here,” he insisted, drifting closer (close) enough for her to see the still-burning shape of the wound Danoron had inflicted.
Chapter 39:
Every now and then one would look to him as if expecting him to see each detail of the combat that was reaching their ears but he simply (sat) stoically, praying mentally and holding his breath.
He watched from the top of the hill as the Girran leader and his Protectors crashed into (the) front, giving the Unbound a pause and upsetting the defences the Lionians had set up against their east-facing front.
Chapter 40:
In a pile of wet slush pile, the Dragon Keeper lay on his back with each arm held by a drake, although Danoron saw the dragons struggle with their load as the humans approached.
The King and his companions could finally make a quick path made (remove made) to where the Yeahin (Yeahsin) half-breed was slowly rising.
Danoron nodded, (remove comma add period)
He sighed next and tightened his hand on his side before (he) groaned (or before groaning).
From a corner of Tohmas II’s mind, the Last King felt Celebrant Loni smiled (smile) and her spirit begin to withdraw.
. . . but the memory of his agreement with her were (was) clear enough to explain why she had taken up a quiet residence in his mind.
Chapter 41:
After much searching, she had found others in the golden world and come (came) to recognize it as the world of the spirits, both those alive and those dead.

I would still like to know what happened to the False Keeper. The sword should have been given back to Cairon if they killed him.

Hi Shakat

Here’s a bit more, starting from Chapter 4. Glad to discuss anytime although please note I’ll be off line for a couple of weeks.

Ch. 4

1. So who had announced Cairon’s arrival? Was the Lionian greeting just for him, for an unseen observer, or the landlady’s usual way in an occupied town? “One of ours” makes her sound political as one would expect from a figure such as a landlady.

2. Does Damon Mavis not recognise Cairon? Not even a tiny bit? Surely a travelling lone mum with a bairn would have attracted the attention of a vivacious landlady. Has Cairon changed that much, taking into account he is still a young’un?

3. I presume the refusal to remove the cloak is to do with Spark remaining hidden. Perhaps some more dragon commentary on the dissolute nature of humans? “Interesting ritual” was funny but left me hungering for more backchat.

4. “It was not his habit to notice girls” Please, not a prude hero. Don’t mind a hero that’s too busy pursuing his destiny to dally with the lasses, but let’s have him flesh and blood. He’s still a teenager or late twenty something right? Let him be appreciative at least.

5. I found Roellan / Gensiana fascinating as well, not least that she seemed to be constantly eavesdropping and yet none but Cairon could tell, as if she had cast a spell to make her instantly forgotten from one moment to the next and no-one would remember she had been in the room for hours. I think that could do with being accentuated, especially as she is instantly forgotten after a humiliating display of bullying. Strangely as soon as she wants to hold Cairon’s attention, it is constantly drawn elsewhere, as if the effect was reversed. It seems strange that Cairon would be so reticent.

6. I get a little confused with the switches between languages (although I love the idea many are spoken this way). Perhaps some way of flagging them more. Am I wrong in thinking Yeahsin was spoken, and if it was why?

7. Cairon should not think of Roellan as “an evident beggar” or a thief if she speaks more than one language and has knowledge of the houses and geography. That should make him very suspicious especially after her eavesdropping. That he so easily stated his purpose surprised me, unless he had already decided she was an informant. The “buying or selling” question shows that this is where it’s going, but I would think that Cairon would be one step ahead of the conversation rather than reacting to it, unless he is very naive. This exchange can reveal so much about Cairon and Roellan, and I think you should give it a good polish and build on it. This could lead to a real spark between the two as they start to play games with each other, clearly recognising that the other is more that they seem, gaining a frisson from the clear danger each represents and ... hum ... the chemistry?

Ch. 5

1. Now I’m really intrigued. How does Gensiana know about Keepers?

2. And a little unsettled: is Cairon that easy to recognise (from the name!), even if it’s by someone in the know?

3. Now how did that diasist know about Cairon’s contretemps with the robbers? Was he the one that announced Cairon’s arrival (in which case why did he allow himself to get drunk)?

4. In my mind a drunken brute would want the fight the swordsman rather than just take his sword. The beginning of Katherine Kerr’s Deverry Saga has a scene like that, and she went for the reputation of a fighter rather than the value of the sword.

5. Even if the Lionians think of Cairon as a Yeahsin half-breed, I would prefer to see that in their dialogue rather than in the narration.

6. She knows about fairy dragons and he doesn’t react to that?

7. Ah I get it now. Gensiana is a rebel leader. And the yoraci Cairon recognised also recognised Cairon. Was Mason the one that announced Cairon’s arrival, was it meant to be a trap? Did the drunk / wounded soldier blow it?

I really liked these two chapters as they contained so much detail (e.g. house brands and criminal sleeves – super) and plot strands knotted together. I think a bit of elbow grease could make these passages really quite special. More please! More!

Again, I hope that helps.

Cheers, TRM

I was hoping to finish today, but work comes first. Here are some more corrections. Hopefully, I can read the last chapters tomorrow. Don't feel obligated to read my book. I have changed a lot of it from suggestions on this site and a writer's group I joined. I haven't uploaded the new chapters yet because they don't mesh well with the old ones yet.

Okay, normally I don’t critique the way people write. Every writer is different. However, I really think Andiron would tell Cairon about the false Keeper as soon as the meet up again. Maybe I’ll find out different later, but for now, I think you should change that.

Chapter 27:
. . . the Yeahsin said to the Keeper and the Keeper snorted with distain (disdain).
He still knew exactly where they were when they finally entered a building. (next paragraph) It still took him a few moments to recognize the temple through his surprise. – Remove the word still in one or both of those sentences.
Chapter 28:
Eight years were a long time. – Eight years was a long time.
His fist, clenched as it was as he ducked although (through) the doorway, was the size of a man’s skull (add comma) and he looked entirely capable of using it well.
Chapter 29:
Nothing
Chapter 30:
Nothing
Chapter 31:
Avoiding the collapsed corner of the tunnels, they may (made) their way through the blocked end of the tunnel (that or which) had been opened quietly.
“Hooo boy,” the Yeahsin rubbed his hands together as he apoke (spoke).
Chapter 32:
With the problem of an uprising formally declared, Seforca had sought out every report on missing slaves to be found and starting (started) counting.
“I had notice(d) a few,” he admitted as the other shrugged.
Keeping his back to the wall kept his sword from being visible as he walked (add comma) but he knew it would (be) evident the moment someone looked for it.
Chapter 33:
Any man who did not immediate(ly) retreat with his hands out to his side was dead on the floor within a breath.
When the hand was clenched, the glove pulled away just far enough for Cairon to make out the beginning (of) a blistering scar very much like his own.
Chapter 34:
Nothing
Chapter 35:
Read the first paragraph of this chapter. I’m not sure what you wanted to say, but I’m sure that’s not it.
There was no door except the one he had entered but, he determined with a glance, that did not meant (mean) there was no way out.
Although he knew bolts (were) fired up at him from handheld crossbows below, none struck their mark.
. . . the battering ram rang again(st) the gate.
. . . and the loraxans starting (started) making their way to the edges of the icy region of the hill.
Chapter 36:
He could pick out the slightest weakness when he looked (at) an opponent, and his mind easily knew how to best utilize those faults against them (. However,) when his mind told his feet to move, they dragged.
Against the almost eight hundred ex-slaves and angry peasant(s) on the Manor grounds . . .
. . . but that would be hardly be fifty men . . . – Remove one of the be’s in that sentence.
Standing at attention as they awaited Basonos’ word to move them out, the ranks of Protectors looked exactly like the dreaded Lionians (Linonian) diasists.
“I would take him,” he heard Hantran’s bass rumbled (rumble) . . .
“I will have one of the Unbound take him,” he heard the Windraso say (. He) managed to nod in acceptance.

Hi,

I really loved this book. It drew me in and captured me from the first chapter to the final page. Yes, I put aside the other books I have been reading and spent the last 4 days reading your entire book whenever I was free! I wasn’t able to get it out my head! It was truly the work of a gifted writer and storyteller. I loved your characters and the way your descriptions were vivid but believable in a magical sense. You slowly unraveled the story and I loved this history (of your fantasy world) that you carefully placed throughout the story.

One tiny little nitpick – you used the word ‘gotten’ a couple of times but I don’t think that it really works. It’s one of those controversial words that, if possible, should be substituted for another. I think it generally sounds harsh and there are plenty of other words that could be used. For example, at the end of Chapter 14 you use the sentence “The Dragon Keeper had just joined their cause. Life had just gotten interesting.” I would suggest something like “The Dragon Keeper had just joined their cause. Life had suddenly become more interesting.” It’s just a minor suggestion to make your story flow more smoothly.

Hopefully you are writing a sequel because I, for one, can’t wait to read the next part of the saga. I have happily backed this book because it really deserves it!!

Happy Writing.
Joyanna (The Prince and The Sorcerer)

This is flowing, charming and very engaging. Normally I get annoyed at talking dragons, but these are not childish or over-righteous. Everything fits together nicely. The writing itself is superb.

I think I promise you an in-depth critique, but there isn't really a lot for me to say. Sometime a few too many adjectives / adverbs, particularly after speech, but I'm guilty of that too so I can't comment.

I'm gonna back this. Good job.

Esme C
'The Summoner'

Dear Shakat --

Your opening is a great way to bring us into the story; the fight between the "harlot" and the shade of the King both amused and intrigued us. Moving deeper into the story, we found the world of Girr full of whimsy and mystery, and we particularly liked Cairon's relationship with Spark. You have a terrific imagination and seem to have fully created a world in which you've broughth your characters to life in an engaging story. Pleased to back Stand. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

Hello, I stumbled across your pitch and thought this was worth a read. Here are my thoughts:

PROLOGUE
A very interesting scene, and a pretty unique way to start the story. You don't waste time and just drop us right in. It's written well, although it could use a bit of trimming, e.g. the sentence 'With a disgusted snarl...' could be simplified. I find the sentence is a little too long.

It's a nicely vivid opening, and shows us quite well Tohmas' character and how he behaves.

CHAPTER ONE

I don't often say this, but this was perfect. The tone, the setting, the action, all fitted seemlessly. Absolutely nothing to comment on here.

CHAPTER TWO

Again, very immersive. Just one word repeitition 'He spoke Girran. Although it was the least practiced of his languages, his father's tongue had been too well practiced to be forgotten.'

This is crafted exceptionally well. Even though I often dislike worlds where there is much new terminology, you expose is slowly and carefully, allowing the reader to identify with your world and not be lost. It's truly shaping up to be an amazing read.

If you can, and if the title interests you, I would appreciate if you could give me some feedback on my own work, Zodiac Hunters, if you can spare the time.

Good luck and best wishes

Sam241

Where better to find the poachers, but the busy market place, Cairons only lead, because here they would sell their ill-gotten gains. Excellent story but I was confused why sparkle wasnt spotted by the guards on the gate when the dragon keeper entered the city. His purpose to seek out poachers would have been revealed if Sparkle was visible, wrapped around the keepers neck and shoulders. But Sparkles invisible the market man was oblivious to the dragons presence. With Rival the trusty steed, sparkle the invisible dragon and Cairon the Dragon Keeper you've created three exceptional characters so for that reason I'm shelving ' Stand'.
Backed with pleasure.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

I don't read a lot of fantasy, but it seems to me that dragons are somewhat overlooked as protagonists. You've written a nicely lyrical tale here, and the names you've chosen hit just the right tone. I like this quite a bit. I didn't see any technical weaknesses in what I read, either. I hope this does well for you here; happy to back it.
If you’re so inclined, please take a look at “The Job: Based on a True Story (I mean, it’s bound to have happened somewhere)”, a rollicking parable of suffering and struggle told through humor.
Thanks,
Craig Davis
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=19440

I must agree with a previous comment, that some of your sentences border on the humorous. I think you wrote this with a knowing wink and your tongue in cheek at some points. Nice work, Backed. Hope you can return the favour and help me make the ed's desk this month.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Hello Shakat, love the cover and the pitch, and I very quickly became engrossed with your book. You have some very different ways of phrasing or putting words together and I like this. I like your original storyline which does make a change to the vamps and magical powers that are prolific at the present time. Your characters are still in my head which is one of the best compliments I can give, but they HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.....BACKED BY ME .......My book is of a different genre but that is the beauty of this site, and if you could 'review' and 'comment' and BACK it, I would be so happy. Again BEST OF LUCK with your book

Denise
The Letter

Hi Shakat

I have a few comments on the first three chapters of Stand, which I have greatly enjoyed reading so far. My main focus is story issues rather than grammar, unless I spot a howler. I hope all these thoughts can help you polish your work a bit more, and that is the spirit in which they are given. Don’t hesitate to answer in kind or let me know where I’ve gone wrong. ! I’ll put a note on Katrina’s thread to indicate I’m doing a review of Stand.

Chapter 1

1. I like the idea the protagonists can morph their appearance (or choose not to). I think you could make a lot more of that, to increase the otherworldliness of their incarceration and the awe these characters are due.

2. There is a lot of information in this very short prologue. As we do not return to these characters for several chapters, as far as I can tell, I think expanding that information would be useful, without losing the drama of the scene. In particular the paragraph beginning with “Attuned to the powers” is a little confusing. I get that the first King of Girr and all his descendants have been trapped by the Celebrant, including Loni (what’s the relationship with the King other than hate?), so why does the Celebrant grow from anger, and who is Loni throwing force against? Is her anger strengthening the prison around them? Or is she attacking the King again?

3. Is Loni the bringer of the curse, i.e. the cause of the incarceration? Hence the lack of trust shown by the King. If so, how does that connect with the Celebrant’s deception? I’d like a few more hints, as tangled double-crossing like this is simply delicious. More!

Chapter 2

1. Dragons with marital disputes? I’m intrigued by ShadowMar and MoonStone’s dispute. Will we learn more?

2. I kinda would have thought, after the listening demonstrated by ShadowMar that hearing would be more important to dragonlings than scent in recognising mum. Hearing is also important to ShadowMar’s enemies if they can hear dragonlings through rock with a rumbling volcano not far away.

3. Lots of references to “they”. Are “they” the other dragons, the Dragon Keeper or the Poachers? It would appear to refer to MoonStone and the DragonKeeper, if they want to prevent the raising of Black dragons. Is that right?

4. “Perhaps recognizing the scale” – should that be “scales”? Or even “silver hue”?

5. What translates the human’s words into dragon? Magic, a device, a power of the dragons?

6. Careful with MoonStone’s age: he is referred to as being younger than ShadowMar by over a century at one point, and then we learn that he bested her whilst still a dragonling at another, and then that he is over a hundred year old. That’s a tad confusing.

7. Why does MoonStone appear to be confused as to who was exiled? He was there, after all?

8. I presume Black dragons are Magma dragons. Or are those Reds? That could do with a little more detail.

9. How can a human Dragon Keeper protect the dragons? He must be something awesome about him. And would that not make ShadowMar fear the Keeper more than MoonStone? If the Poachers are feared and the Keeper can protect the dragons, that thing should be double awesome. Give us a clue!

10. “the Keeper’s parent had called home” – should that be “parents”?

11. Dragon Weed to eat? Not nubile maidens? Vegetarian dragons?? We not going to have cuddly, politically correct, slightly misunderstood dragons are we?

Chapter 3

1. That bit with the soldiers in Cordetalis was too short! I would want a little more detail, especially as it does not dovetail with the actions in the rest of the chapter.

2. Cairon is the Keeper? Perhaps he should have been named in the previous chapter?

3. “fairy dragon”? is that a further species of dragon, small enough to curl around a man’s neck and stay hidden under a cloak? Or is Spark hidden at all? Don’t the guards at the gate think it strange or the men in the ambush worry on seeing Spark? Can they hear Spark’s encouragement to Rival for example?

4. Is Polain the village of Cairon’s parent (again, the singular is used – so should you not say “father” or “mother” and if not, is there a reason)? Is Draegot Manor the home of Cairon in Dragon Pass? Who is Cosima and what is her significance there? There’s a lot of different places referred to whilst Cairon is staring at (I think) Cordetalis. Perhaps some of that detail should be kept for another time, as it is a little confusing.

5. “humanised” should that be “humiliated”? And if so, what’s the animosity towards Cosima?

6. why is Cairon travelling if he fears another Poacher attack? It could be good to know at this stage. What is his unstated business? Is it just hunting Poachers down? Or is there more?

7. I would have expected the guards to keep Cairon outside whilst they checked his papers rather than ushering him in to do so. And papers? Surely there must be another way of identification? Amulets, sigils, etc? Especially if the guards have sufficient magic to detect lies.

8. Are the Poachers connected to the army? Or are they ex-soldiers who acquired Lionian citizenship via military service?

9. The ambush is a little close to the gates, I feel. “Three steps” is only a metaphor but still, it seems too close. There were crowds going through the gate. Is the ambush in full sight of everyone? Even though dusk is darkening, that would be strange. Are the guards still in sight? The fact that they let Cairon in without a proper search indicates that they fear the anger of the House of Mirk, and hence would not want to allow Cairon to come to harm.

10. Did Cairon ride into the city? Did he dismount at any point? Did he lead Rival in? I’m a little confused as to what level he addressed the guards and the ambush at?

11. I really don’t get the point of the bow, I’m afraid. Wouldn’t an instinctive bow show that the person who made the bow was Lionian rather than Girran?

Again, I hope all that helps rather than hinders. Please do let me know. More to follow.

Cheers,
TRM (Darkened Voices / The Ratters Tale)

extremely well written and plotted. the story unfolds at a good pace and you do a good job of establishing this worls you have created.

I found your pitch a little muddled, not really clear what the Lionian Sovereignty is or what you're saying there. Might be worth simplifying things.

The sword feels reminiscent of th elric stories (stormbringer) but that's just on the basis of the pitch, don't know if it wil turn out to be so. Just something that stood out.

Good prologue, nice way of setting things up. Thought the fight could have had a little more action to it and when she switched to the seductress she didn't seem to do anything, maybe she could try her wiles out on him before he rejected her?

The dragon stuff was very well handled.

Overall an enjoyable read and a very engaging story. Happy to back it.

Ch 18 (authonomy link: 19. Starts "I do not care!")
Again with the 'do not's - abbreviate/reword.

'in the early dawn' - this is either a) time of day or b) a place that you have entitled the early dawn. b) works, a) doesn't - weave the time of day in some other way; this sounds like you've added it in as an afterthought.

ruins - like it. ruins are fun places.

'waste yourself' - odd phrasing. sounded weird to me....but could work? Am uncertain about this.

"No," she murmured uneasily - add comma after 'uneasily' AND after 'brother'. 'do not' again - >:( comma or colon needed after 'words'.

Aww, sibling love. WIN.

Paragraph 'turning to the Manor' - so, Basonos and Denthas move with her? Last time we saw them they were sprawled/standing amongst the ruins. What's happened with them now? Are they running ahead of her, with her, stopping when she reaches the door and in doing so letting her move on ahead? A bit more imagery here: not sure what's happening.

'blue lit halls' - needs a hyphen between 'blue lit'.

Hmm, curious. Why's he running? (note: this is just me reading, not criticism. I assume I'm going to find out ;D)

'X shaped building' - hyphen needed between 'X shaped'.

'the only one of the entire crowd' - replace 'of' with 'in' - just grammatically better.

'kneeling position' is a descriptive phrase, it's not really something one can approach; but a 'kneeling body/figure' is a concrete noun which one may definitely approach.

'tear begin in her eyes' - missing 's'.

'hazarded out' - wrong usage of the verb hazard. One doesn't 'hazard out' of anything. One 'hazards' something (I hazard a guess, Indiana Jones hazards the Temple of Doom) - here he emerged from the crowd. The crowd isn't doing anything dangerous, so he's not hazarding anything by moving through it.

"What is wrong with him" - this paragraph is wordy. That's something I mentioned in the earlier comment, so I won't go on about it here. Not much anyway ;)

Oooooh, something happening between B+G?

Paragraph "King Tohmas Galanth" - a really nice descriptive passage except for ONE sentence: "The sword he held in his hand seemed to be held..." - again, too wordy. Repetition of the word 'held'.

Over the next few paragraphs, these words and their conjugations are used rather a bit: light, flame, fire.

'SoulBurner' - what an awesome name for a sword.

'He beat all of his decedents to his feet' - a) 'decedents' spelt wrongly b) sounds like they're all racing to his feet. Better worded that he was the first to rise. Anyway, you already mentioned this at the start of the paragraph, so why repeat it?

'that meant some life to their otherwise empty existence' - you're talking about people, plural, so use 'existences'.

'which made him wonder * his mind had latched' - missing a 'how' where the asterisk is.

'the spirit in the most control' - grammar issue - should either be 'spirit with the most control', or 'spirit most in control'.

'and so omitted' - needs a 'them' after 'omitted'.

'Tohmas I understood and looked back, to see' - that comma isn't necessary. What do you mean by 'the body faded slightly'. Is she disappearing? -----or is this something I would have known if I'd read the preceding chapters? ;)

Ch 19 (authonomy 20)
Oh hai Vogarus! Yeeeahhh, gotta love an awesome name. You're good with names, y'know that?

'as they would have been in Lione' - wordy - 'as they were in Lione' works just as well.

'distain' - I think you mean 'disdain'. btw - what's happening here? Perhaps this is continuing from a previous scene; nonetheless I have no idea where he is (in a building? construction site?) or what he's actually doing when he spots 'a flare of black' - is he looking at a view of a city? looking a building? is he inside somewhere? is he walking around? setting please.

'the man' - don't overuse. Use his name so that we (I, the reader) know(s) exactly who 'the man' is.

'Administrator Seforca' - this paragraph is wordy.

'What, by the gods, is going on?' - read this out aloud with pauses where the commas are. Now, if you're angry and you say something like this, would you say it with those pauses? Commas: unnecessary.

'insipidly' - I haven't seen much of Vogarus, but he doesn't strike me as the kind of man who does anything insipidly. He probably spits on insipid people. He probably eats insipid people for a snack (and gets indigestion). He pities th' foo' who.....yeah, okay. Doesn't really fit into character.

'the skeleton' - ? you mean Seforca?

"...for you to correct the spelling." - oh snap.

'More diasists ran off in answer.' - a meh sentence. Works, but isn't right. 'raced to follow his command'?

So, Andiron fades into the background. You state this several times, and with several reasons: blue-black tunic and because he's a slave. Wordiness - meld the two reasons together with the end goal stated the once.

'After they were out' - this sentence used 'out' twice.

'finally pulled his knife and tossed it, left-handed, down the hall.' Any reason we need to know the way he throws it? Does it land awkwardly because of the left-handedness? If so, say he threw it so that it landed in a way that suggested an escaped attacker.

'Confusion was good. Confused people did not ask too many questions.' I'll let the 'did not' pass this once because these are great lines.

So there you go. I must say, these chapters were quite action-filled, which was great to read. You keep up the pace brilliantly through the different scenes. A good array of characters as well - much as I detest the tear-soaked girl (why is there always one of those in every high fantasy novel?) she's a nice change to the strategising male characters I've read so far. What I said at the end of my last comment still stands: wordiness and 'did not'. Happy to see that the story-telling ability just gets better; seriously, these chapters were fun to read. Good work!
--R.N.

Hey Shakat
Here are my notes on the prologue and chs 1+2 - will do more tomorrow, am soooo tired right now :)

Prologue
'marred' - seemed an odd word choice. It does work, but I personally associate it with indelible marks, something permanent or semi-permanent. Maybe it's just me.

Like the twist there. Spirits. Cool. So they're all dead. Nice.

You use 'feeling' twice - sorry to be picky, but I did notice. I think replacing 'felt' would improve that sentence actually....perhaps 'sensed' instead?

Good opening. Sets up a nice rivalry and an interesting premise. Dead vengeful spirits are awesome. Though, do spirits bleed and have weight? They might do in your world's afterlife, so I'll just ask and move on.

Ch 1
Dragon! :D At least, I think she is.....Anyway, don't need 'Her posture' - 'immovable' speaks for itself; though to fit in with the rhythm of the sentence perhaps 'her body' would work too. 'Posture' sounds a bit strange to me. 'themselves' is also unnecessary.
'could only make out other sounds' - this is a bit redundant. Of course she's listening to other things besides the walls. Why are these 'other sounds' bad? Are they bad? Maybe they're good? Another adjective is needed here.

Sentence 'He had likely washed his face...' - comma needed between 'morning' and 'for'. Am tempted to remove the commas around 'at some point' in same sentence; they're okay, but not really necessary.

Dialogue beginning 'Moonstone' - either a) a comma needed after 'called' or b) 'in' capitalised.

Pg 'The black dragon took' - 'to' in that first sentence isn't the word you want. 'From' might be more appropriate.

Repetition 'did not' - this sounds overly formal to me, especially when used repeatedly. 'Didn't' is okay, as is rewording one of the sentences slightly eg 'She had no doubt he would win...'

"I take it from her reaction" - the last part of that sentence is overly wordy. I know what you're saying, but I think there's probably a nicer, more refined way of describing their slow progress. ShadowMar was also quiet when they left, so why is she 'continuing' to shout now?

'When MoonStone had first come..' - comma needed between 'canyon' and 'but' - the sentence should be broken down into clauses. Another one needed in the next sentence between 'dragons' and 'but'.

'The Keeper had paused' - 'found the stare on' sounds awkward. 'followed his stare towards the gathering' would be nicer: rewording needed.

"You have gotten the promise in place," - que? Really, really not sure what this means. Read on to try and glean more from context, but it still didn't make sense. Perhaps reword slightly? 'Gotten' is a horrible word anyway ;)

'There had been death' - I would delete 'started' as it's not necessary.

'in a whisper promising' - this doesn't really work. He's showing his pride by nudging them, the second clause just sounds out of place with the first clause. It's like a bad edit in a film where you see one part of an action take place, then a jump to the second half of a completely different action. We're missing some film/sequences inbetween. Arrgh, does that even make sense?!? Sorry, weariness from the day catching up with me.

Oh, that last dialogue line in that paragraph wasn't MoonStone's?? NEW LINE PLEASE.

Was the Keeper originally in a contemplative silence? I thought he was conversing with MoonStone. No 'back' unless you state a moment of contemplative silence before this.

Nice dragon names btw. V evocative. So there's a fight on between the dragons and the Poachers. Have I got that right? And they're the core fighters, these two. I like the relationship between the Keeper and MoonStone.

Ch 2
Oh, great name. Romanesque. What fun! Indicative of the culture he's in, yes?

If it's Spark's mouth that's directly beside Cairon's ear, just say it's his. 'the dragon' makes me think there's three characters here: a dragon, Spark and Cairon. We'll find out that Spark is a dragon very shortly, so using 'his' is fine.

'cringed' - again, not quite the right word for this context. 'Cringed' is a very physical reaction, and I believe Cairon is just thinking something that makes him uncomfortable. Perhaps replace.

So Cairon is the Keeper? This might have been a good thing to introduce in the first chapter: that the Keeper is called Cairon.

'fruitless' threats don't work - 'empty' threats do!

'rich' - delete. Bribes are generally monetary; so 'rich' here is unnecessary. The fact that the collective worth of the bribes was enough to fund an army is hint enough that said bribes were very valuable.

'Draegot Manor' or 'Manor of Draegot' - which is it? Place names shouldn't be messed around - choose one format and stick to it.

If Cairon already knows who Cosima is, this should be more apparent. I originally thought she was unknown to him. Also: 'humanized' really isn't the right word. I don't think it fits at all. Do you mean 'humiliated'?

A fight? *perks up* ooooooh..............
'handily' sounds like it's been tacked onto the end of that paragraph like an afterthought.

'dismissed him' - you used this expression in the prologue as well. To 'dismiss' someone as a speech qualifier isn't really used that much. It's better to say 'said dismissively' - by the way, have you used 'said' yet? 'Said' is okay. Endless growling, snarling, grunting, gasping, laughing gets very wearying. I don't know why people think it's a bad thing to use 'said' - it's not!

'It felt wrong' - entire paragraph just seems wordy and awkward. Sorry, perhaps that's just me....

Yay fight!! I like me some action!!

Wait - 'dim light of the evening' becomes 'dark clouds'. Not a lot of light, dim or otherwise, underneath dark clouds in the evening. Could the weather have been established before the fight sequence? Focus on just the fighting - keep the reader in the moment. The odd glint of metal in the dim light is fine - just don't expand on the weather again until after the fight.
.............Unless those dark clouds are a design on the blade?? Could you please, please make this explicit if that's the case?

Next paragraph - 'if Cairon had wished' - 'had' is unnecessary.

'One stubborn man's arm' - okay, you say 'one stubborn man' = main subject, then you say 'the man' and 'companion'. 'The man'= reads as second subject - just use 'he', as they're the same person. Much clearer.

'Rival's fidgeting' - again using 'dismissed' - 'ignored' is better here.

I must admit, the distinctions between Girran, Lionian and Yeahsin aren't that clear to me. I'm sure the different lines and histories are woven throughout this story, but some clear differences should be established early on. Just imagine stupid readers, like me, reading this going 'guh?' and explain it simply and easily. Dumdums like myself do appreciate the effort :)

Overall recurring nitpicks: wordiness (abbreviate! 'didn't' is okay!) and the odd misused word. Also, your wordiness tends to blur what you mean, which could cause confusion for your readers. Especially when they're tired and their brain has turned to goo, like mine has.

Fun parts: great imagination. Cairon's a good hero - brave but sympathetic (except to Cosima for reasons yet unstated). Brilliant action and imagery. Some more description of setting would be nice. You've got a wonderful storytelling voice going on, and you keep the tension going. I was waiting and waiting for that fight to deliver - and it did! :D massive thumbs up. I know I got confused about the Lionians and Girrans, but what's obvious to me is that you clearly have set up the world, its history and its peoples - which is the mark of every excellent fantasy writer. Really, all my horrible little nitpicks are tiny things - housekeeping. Tidying it up a bit. So a huge well done from me! Looking forward to reading the rest.
--R.N.

Wow - what an imagination! The prologue was beautifully written, with descriptions that evoked an immediate picture and a tense atmosphere, giving the reader the promise of a roller coaster ride.

Nitpicks. Nothing major, just a slight tendency towards wordiness: Feeling their (mixed, confused expressions...) is a little clunky, perhaps something along the lines of: Seeing their expression of confusion, he offered comfort...

Moving onto chapter one. Again, wonderful descriptions: A growl and a squawk told her the younger dragons were playing. A rumble, directly above, told her of an elder's landing... ...and fixed her with a glare that could have shattered fire.

Nitpicks: Again, a slight tendency towards wordiness and repetition: As if the others (had) only needed the cue to begin - you don't need the bracketed word, the sentence flows better without it.

...Into the (slight) light of the cavern. 'Slight' is not quite right, perhaps 'dim.'
...and (he) chirped at her... you don't need the 'he'.

...already crumbled under the minutes claws of four other (dragonlings). To her dismay two of her precious (dragonlings)... perhaps replace the second 'dragonlings' with children?

...lowered her head ...in submission... Shadow Mar (meekly) answered. You don't need the 'meekly'. This has already been indicated by her lowering her head in submission.

The above are minor and easily rectified and remember, just my opinion. I hope they're of use and I think your novel has great potential. Let me know when it's in the shops and I'll be first in the queue. Good luck. Backed.

Stand
Shakat

A truly gifted imagination. I never write science fiction or fantasy and I am always in awe of writers here who are able to do this so well. This has wonderful potential. You start forcefully - catching a girl by the throat and tossing her off her feet is an exciting way to begin. Who will not want to read on? And despise the First King of Girr? I like this very much. You have a way with words which is very colourful and powerful. "Twenty-one pairs of disbelieving eyes followed him..." - I love this and wish I had the time to read more right now. Will be back soon and happy to back it for now.

Love the premise, the pace well suits this story. I loved the dragons. Your imagery and vivid characters transport the reader into the wonderful world you created.

backed!

Laurie - Into The Master's Lair

I like this, it is at a pace that holds the interest as you get into the story. Even the names are easy to remember, so many writers go over the top and you have to keep looking back. I'm giving this a little bookshelf space time
Keith
Unit T
Special Forces

Hi Shakat
Wow, you obviously have a great imaginiation and hav drawn this into your story. It flows beautifully and the characters are superb. I don't usually read a lot of fantasy, but I managed to lose myself in this immediately. An enjoyable read, thank you.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Good pitch and opening - BACKED
I would drop - ´to be issued´from the short pitch - stronger without?
please have a look at Charlie M
thnx

simon

The opening is excellent and establish the fantasy well but even better is the dialogue and a certain irony of tone - Tohmas being bored with the woman's tricks. Most fantasy on here seems to me to be for children because the characterisation is so sparse and unauthentic. Yours is the opposite. It's full of great imagination, true, but you know the reader requires a basic reality and truth. The best imagination of all comes from your descriptive passages. Backed. Lynn

Your vivid imagination has created a most interesting new world and your descriptive writing style easily transports the reader there. Your character development is excellent, your use of imagery is superb and the dialogue is tight and believeable. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Love the way you have painted your characters with vivid colours and created a movie in my mind. Obviously you are very comfortable with dialogue and though this is not my genre I am getting hooked on fantasy because of writers like yourself. Great creation, flow easy. BACKED and the BEST of luck Shakat, yes BEST of luck. If you can read some of my non-fiction and comment on it, I would be so happy and thank you

Denise
'The Letter'

Dear Shakat, I love the twists & turns of your book - & will there be a sequel, since they have to find a way out? :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

you have a great style, here. it flows and keeps the story going...great use of dialogue, too. a really good fantasy story...on watchlist...
su dan...read SEASONS...

Good concept, love dragons and the world is credibly detailed. You can see the events as they unfold as the writing is sharp and clear and the characters each have their own distinctive voice and mannerisms. Very good indeed.

An interesting and enjoyable read. Your descriptions are good and your story flows well - I did get lost at times - but it was probably just me! Best wishes - Paula (Cuthbert: How mean is my Valley?)