Preja Vu

Alanna,
So not my normal read but I really like this, the plot, the hooks. The title was actually the thing that hooked me to start with. The characters are three dimensional (I wanted to slap Trevor for the way he treated Ryann to start with) Enjoyed the three chapters - backed.

Paula L (Rollover)

Hi Alanna
Your story flows well and is pacey which is what a thriller needs to be. My only nit is in cpt 1, where Ryann call police officer Sallie as asks her about any murders. I do understand what you are trying to do here, get in the reason for no police involvement, but it doesn't quite work for me in the current format. The reason for this is even if there was a match to her details, realisticly what would the police tell her? They would not give her details on an ongoing police investigation other than what has been relased to the press unless she was somehow 'consulting' on the case. - I like the google search though that is 'real world.' Anyway this is probably me getting to technical as it is only just a short para anyway - but just something to consider... and it's only my opinion and what to I know? :D
Good luck
Cat
Judas Kiss

Dear Alanna Coca,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. A woman falling bleeding through an elevator doors is a shocking visual. The one that follows is even more horrifying: of the elevator door trying to close on her legs. Fascinating that she can pause the vision and study its details, while awake. I like how you intersperse her recounting and thoughts with the quotes of the dying woman; it builds tempo and emotional momentum. I like the comparison of the hair bun with Victoria, chilling. You build sympathy that she has to go to work after this nightmare vision. Laughing while saying “It was you all along” is curious. I begin to be drawn into the mystery when she realizes she can ID the building from the elevator. I like this better because if she solves the mystery she can prevent the murder, which usually isn’t the case. Again, I like the repetition, showing the mounting obsession with the vision.

In my fallible opinion, you could make your story even more exciting by tinkering with the dialog. You have a lot of good things going here, but if you wished to fiddle with something, I’d suggest the dialog. In some cases, saying more with less would help. For instance the friend asks if it was a death dream, and the protagonist replies “Yes it was a death. A murder”. The dialog would have more vigor if you cut the first half of that, as it’s implied if she answers simply “A murder”.

This small matter aside, I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Alanna,
Cover: Yes! Very good. Did you do it yourself?
Pitches: Short=who is this Trevor? Should I know him? heh...I think it good but when I get to the bit about teaming up with Trevor I'm sort of wondering if I should know him or if there were a way to tell me why its a good or bad thing she teamed up with him..etc. Long=a sexy psychic crime tale... Good!!
Text: Gah...see...as much as I like that opener, opening a book with a dream is one of those items I've read in too many sources about Not doing. I know she's got the power and so it makes more sense in your story but...just something to consider....sorry!!
no real nits otherwise...fast paced, smooth writing...can see this one on a shelf! and mine too.
Best wishes,
-=Bradley

Thanks for checking out Preja Vu. I didn't do the cover, it was done by Amanda Kelsey, who has done four of my six books. I love her work, and request her whenever I have the chance. http://www.razzdazzdesign.com/

I've had a few other comments about opening a book with a dream. I guess I didn't read that "how-to". It just seemed like the place to start the book. I'll keep that in mind in the future.

Alanna,
Cover: Yes! Very good. Did you do it yourself?
Pitches: Short=who is this Trevor? Should I know him? heh...I think it good but when I get to the bit about teaming up with Trevor I'm sort of wondering if I should know him or if there were a way to tell me why its a good or bad thing she teamed up with him..etc. Long=a sexy psychic crime tale... Good!!
Text: Gah...see...as much as I like that opener, opening a book with a dream is one of those items I've read in too many sources about Not doing. I know she's got the power and so it makes more sense in your story but...just something to consider....sorry!!
no real nits otherwise...fast paced, smooth writing...can see this one on a shelf! and mine too.
Best wishes,
-=Bradley

Thanks JD. It was my publisher who requested the italics. I'm surprised at how many comments I've received about them!

Thanks for making a spot on your shelf for Preja Vu.

Alanna

I *LOVE* your pitch: it may be the best I've read here. Fantastic stuff that makes me want to start reading right away. My only quibble is the use of the word 'senseless' in the last paragraph, I felt it would read better if you omitted this. Anyway into the work proper.

Good opening scene too. I'm not sure this needs to be in italics though. For me long passages of italics are always hard to read. In an MS I'd set it in roman and leave final decisions to the publisher.


Otherwise good opening chapter.

Chapter two I notice the word 'dream' when italicised is also in a blue font.

Well, I've read all that you have posted, and have little to offer by way of constructive criticism, this is well written, I enjoyed it and I'm going to give it a spin on my shelf.

@ Lawdog - Thank you for your observations, I didn't realize that was a problem. Something to watch for.

@ T.L. Tyson - I appreciate your checking out Preja Vu.

@ paxie - You've got some great points. A few places I could have tightened it up a little bit. Thanks!

@ Miss Sully - My father came up with the title, after months of pulling my hair out over the decision. Thank you for the back.

@ Jesse - I appreciate the back.

@Bob - Thank you for backing Preja Vu, and for your kind comments.

Preja Vu is written in good style and brings your main character Ryann to life vividly. After reading the first few chapters I am so glad that i don't 'suffer' from premonitions! Crisp dialogue, fast-moving story - what's not to like? I'll be happy to back this - well done.

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Hi Alanna. This was a very interesting read. The title grabbed me straight away (very original) and the plot built up a great story which as I read on, didn't disappoint. Opening with the premonition itself was mastermind because you hook the reader immediately. Great way to end chapter one, seeing 'her'. . . Backed!

Best of luck with it ;-)

Grace - Suitcase of Memories

Alanna
Mmm scary stuff.......IIt reminded me a bit of a Martina Cole book where she told us immediately who was going to be killed....At first I thought it a spoiler, but the journey she took the reader on leading to the murder was amazing....I can see a similar tension building here....You craft the setting well....I'm not sure you need to use italics, your writing voice is powerful enough for me to know when you are raising it.....If anything I found the change in font distracting........(I flicked through a couple of books at home before I said that)..

like a winter cap....(around her head).....I'd delete around her head.....she already popped her head round the door, that sounded repetitive to me...

I would say a pulse would race not pound...

legs seemed able to support her........delete 'seemed' it gave the statement a passive edge....

Brilliant premise, plot & story......

Shelved with pleasure....I enjoyed the read.

I really like the plot here. It is different, and yet at the same time familiar and accesible.
Ryann is a well thought out character, she is different and has human flaws that make her real.
The set up here is great. You develope the intrigue right off the bat, not stoping to overwhelm the reader with unnecessary information or description. I apprecaited that you leapt right into the story.
The narrative is strong like the dialogue, which is great. it creates an even balance and I enjoyed everything I read.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I read ch 1 and 2.

Great premise, a fresh twist on the I had a dream and you were in it plot line. I was pleasantly surprised by the turn of events in the coffee shop. Good hooks on both chapters to keep the pages turning. You have a pretty good ear for dialogue, too.

What I read could use some tightening, though. Repeated phrases and ideas. Some slips in verb tense, perpetrated by 'thats' and 'hads.' You have a sentence in ch 1, and I'm paraphrasing here, 'She'd had--' if you take the contraction out, the sentence would read 'She had had.' Easily fixable problems to keep this story moving along.

Hello Alanna - well, this is almost a first for me: I started reading and couldn't stop (usually I have to urge myself on to read a novel on screen). This is a very professional thriller in the making. The pace is relentless and the hooks well located to draw the reader on. i was sorry to have to stop so soon, especially as your premonition love dream is very erotic! This looks like a winner and I shall put it on my bookshelf when I make room tomorrow. John / Tacitus 'Where Truth Lies'

Hello John! Thanks for taking time out to read Preja Vu. I appreciate your kind comments.

I like this. There is no messing about. You set it up quickly, Ryann has prophetic dreams. She has had them for a while, so we get no huge backstory about her finding out about her gift. Her friend knows, so no secrecy. No, we are straight into a murder mystery with the twist that the victim is still alive.
Great hook at the end of chapter 2, did not see that coming.
And the end of chapter 3, made me smile quite a lot. Premonitions about your own sex life has to be a new in fiction.
yep I'm hooked.

Thank you for taking the time to read Preja Vu Lj. I'm glad it hooked you :)

I'll be getting a name for myself, all I seem to be reading these days is erotica! lol

That said, this is good stuff, a class apart from most books on here.

Backed with pleasure.

Bob (Auctoratus)

Thanks for reading, Bob. I won't take your mancard away :) I appreciate your comments and the backing.

Hello Alanna - well, this is almost a first for me: I started reading and couldn't stop (usually I have to urge myself on to read a novel on screen). This is a very professional thriller in the making. The pace is relentless and the hooks well located to draw the reader on. i was sorry to have to stop so soon, especially as your premonition love dream is very erotic! This looks like a winner and I shall put it on my bookshelf when I make room tomorrow. John / Tacitus 'Where Truth Lies'

This is set up perfectly from the beginning, enjoyed reading about the dreams. The book is a first-class work of art and needs a place on my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

I like this. There is no messing about. You set it up quickly, Ryann has prophetic dreams. She has had them for a while, so we get no huge backstory about her finding out about her gift. Her friend knows, so no secrecy. No, we are straight into a murder mystery with the twist that the victim is still alive.
Great hook at the end of chapter 2, did not see that coming.
And the end of chapter 3, made me smile quite a lot. Premonitions about your own sex life has to be a new in fiction.
yep I'm hooked.

I'll be getting a name for myself, all I seem to be reading these days is erotica! lol

That said, this is good stuff, a class apart from most books on here.

Backed with pleasure.

Bob (Auctoratus)

Wonderful opening line. Most people would tell you not to start with a dream. I think your story starts at the right place.

Good interaction between Ashley and Ryann.

Nice end hook – Chapter one.

Victoria believes she is going to be a victim but Kearney makes fun.
This is an intriguing mystery that twists and turns with Ryann and Trevor the principle characters.

I like this and the way it moves forward.

Backed

Ron S

You Can’t Hide Forever.

Thanks for reading Preja Vu Ron. I appreciate your comments and the back.

Excellent, professional writing, spooky, realistic, absorbing, impressive, and the chapter finishes on a real good page turner. If I had time I'd love to read on. Backed with real pleasure.
BADD.

Thanks for the back :)

Excellent, professional writing, spooky, realistic, absorbing, impressive, and the chapter finishes on a real good page turner. If I had time I'd love to read on. Backed with real pleasure.
BADD.

You had me hooked in straight away. Another one for the ED
Backed
Teresa
Eye of Erasmus

Thanks for the back Teresa. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Great pitch, great start, going far!

Pavin
Author of Final Validity

Thank you Pavin. I appreciate your time.

Great pitch, great start, going far!

Pavin
Author of Final Validity

Oh I can see this is going to be just my type of story.

I had to stop reading and comment before going on... but I see there is only three chapters which means I'm going to be left disappointed. Just the kind of story I would love to curl up with. :-)

Backed for the romance, erotica and great writing.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Thanks Jo. The book is contracted, so I'm not able to post the entire manuscript here. I appreciate your reading Preja Vu!

Oh I can see this is going to be just my type of story.

I had to stop reading and comment before going on... but I see there is only three chapters which means I'm going to be left disappointed. Just the kind of story I would love to curl up with. :-)

Backed for the romance, erotica and great writing.

Jo xx

Spoilt

Nice hook at the end of Ch. 1 -- which by the way was well done overall.
Only a couple minor crits...
In the beginning you mention that "Victoria's smile didn't reach her eyes." Whose eyes, Victoria's or Ryann's? That seemed confusing.
A little confused: Who is Sallie? You briefly introduce her but that's all we have.
Also, "The sweat that had coated her ten minutes ago..." makes it sound as if the sweat had stopped coating her. Maybe, "The sweat that coated her..."?
Otherwise, this is well done. Best of luck to you with it!

Thanks for reading Vivalas. Yeah, I don't get too deep into Sally's character, she's not mentioned again in the rest of the book either. It's interesting to me to hear that you wanted more of her. I'll keep your comments in mind. Thanks again!

Nice hook at the end of Ch. 1 -- which by the way was well done overall.
Only a couple minor crits...
In the beginning you mention that "Victoria's smile didn't reach her eyes." Whose eyes, Victoria's or Ryann's? That seemed confusing.
A little confused: Who is Sallie? You briefly introduce her but that's all we have.
Also, "The sweat that had coated her ten minutes ago..." makes it sound as if the sweat had stopped coating her. Maybe, "The sweat that coated her..."?
Otherwise, this is well done. Best of luck to you with it!

I've backed your book Alanna for the promise it holds.

You state below that this has been professionally edited but (without wishing to sound offensive) this still needs a lot of work to bring it up to scratch.

Generally it is overwritten for instance near the beginning you have a paragraph two lines long that has 9 he's, his or hers in it and sounds very clumpy.

"Shit!" He hissed, releasing his hold on her to shake his hand in pain. He immediately reached for her again, but he stopped where he was, as though he'd hit an invisible field.

You appear to like using 'off of' a lot too, again lose the of.

I'm no editor but I've been around the site for long enough to know that this still needs a ton of editing.

Sorry, I wouldn't usually say this to a newcomer (because my book was dross when I uploaded it) but as this has been professionally edited and you asked for honest feedback I have obliged.

Good luck with it, if you stick around long enough, the people on here will soon have it looking polished.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

Mel, Thank you so much for the critique! Yes, I wanted honest feedback, so don't be sorry. Your point about the he/her/his was right on. Looking at that sentence now, I can see a few ways I could have changed it to say the same thing without the repetition. Again, thanks for taking the time to read what I've posted. I really appreciate it!

Alanna,
I hope you post more chapters soon. Welcome to Authonomy. You certainly can write. I like your plot , especially the premonition--- very believable. Also, your characters, great. One point, which you may bring up later. If Victoria's office is a corner one and so big, she is probably a partner in the law firm. Your voice, too, is good. Almost sounds as if you have an accent. Good. Best of luck with this. I will back. If you have time please take a look at Summer Rose.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Thanks KC, I will take a look at Summer Rose! I never did mention that she was a partner, that's a good point :) I'm not sure I can post more chapters, but I have an additional excerpt on my website if you're interested. Again, thanks for taking the time to read!

great job!...this really pulls the reader in. I have to head to work, but will be back to read more. This is definitely the kind of story I would enjoy.

happily backed.

If you get a chance, if you could take a look at my Fatal Disclosure...thanks!

Gruffy, I appreciate your reading my first three chapters. I will definitely check out your book!

I agree with Mel! it does still need a bit of work! Not really editing as such by a pro, more polishing by you, the writer! Then it will really shine, because you have a potentially really good book here! So much so, I am happy to back and hope you keep working on it! Well done!
Simon

Thank you Simon. The book is complete and published. I've posted it here to see why the sales aren't where I expected them to be. I'm getting great ideas as to what I could have done differently. Thank you for backing!

I think part of this is good, but heavy handed, overwritten, why the italics so often? "It was you all along", oh, I see, you want us to feel something with the italics, why not write around that, show us emotion. Saying a great deal, showing little, interesting concept. I see this is probably a genre I would like to read, but I spent time here, so, that's something.

Thank you for reading my excerpts Jason. I used the italics to show how the dream was replaying in Ryann's mind. Perhaps I overused them. Again. I appreciate your feedback!

This is very unusual and you handle it well. I only ever read one chapter as i can make my mind up in that space of time if the writer has talent and I should back her/him. You have talent and a good grasp of the craft of writing and it shows. I only have a couple of edits I would point out. The first is repetition: She was riveted on the scene, means the same as, she could only stand frozen and watch the scene. I think the second should go. And, there was some confusion for me in the paragraph that starts - Whoever Victoria was...May resonate better in the past tense as Ryan is remembering her image from the dream. The statement in particular- Victoria glared at her unseen assailent, reads as if she is in the here and now instead of Ryann having seen the glare and it having made an impact on her. This makes the next sentence (after the gun bit) sound as though Victoria was saying, - If only she could distinguish etc... The correct tense would sort this problem out. All in all though, this sounds as though it is a going to be a good read.

Thank you Mary! I appreciate the feedback. Yes, the first few pages is a bit confusing. I had a hard time figuring out how not to spoil the rest of the book! I think I had a few issues with which tense to use, because although Ryann has already dreamed the scene, it is something that will happen in the future. Again, thank you, I will keep your comments in mind.

This is very unusual and you handle it well. I only ever read one chapter as i can make my mind up in that space of time if the writer has talent and I should back her/him. You have talent and a good grasp of the craft of writing and it shows. I only have a couple of edits I would point out. The first is repetition: She was riveted on the scene, means the same as, she could only stand frozen and watch the scene. I think the second should go. And, there was some confusion for me in the paragraph that starts - Whoever Victoria was...May resonate better in the past tense as Ryan is remembering her image from the dream. The statement in particular- Victoria glared at her unseen assailent, reads as if she is in the here and now instead of Ryann having seen the glare and it having made an impact on her. This makes the next sentence (after the gun bit) sound as though Victoria was saying, - If only she could distinguish etc... The correct tense would sort this problem out. All in all though, this sounds as though it is a going to be a good read.

I think part of this is good, but heavy handed, overwritten, why the italics so often? "It was you all along", oh, I see, you want us to feel something with the italics, why not write around that, show us emotion. Saying a great deal, showing little, interesting concept. I see this is probably a genre I would like to read, but I spent time here, so, that's something.

I agree with Mel! it does still need a bit of work! Not really editing as such by a pro, more polishing by you, the writer! Then it will really shine, because you have a potentially really good book here! So much so, I am happy to back and hope you keep working on it! Well done!
Simon

great job!...this really pulls the reader in. I have to head to work, but will be back to read more. This is definitely the kind of story I would enjoy.

happily backed.

If you get a chance, if you could take a look at my Fatal Disclosure...thanks!

Alanna,
I hope you post more chapters soon. Welcome to Authonomy. You certainly can write. I like your plot , especially the premonition--- very believable. Also, your characters, great. One point, which you may bring up later. If Victoria's office is a corner one and so big, she is probably a partner in the law firm. Your voice, too, is good. Almost sounds as if you have an accent. Good. Best of luck with this. I will back. If you have time please take a look at Summer Rose.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

I've backed your book Alanna for the promise it holds.

You state below that this has been professionally edited but (without wishing to sound offensive) this still needs a lot of work to bring it up to scratch.

Generally it is overwritten for instance near the beginning you have a paragraph two lines long that has 9 he's, his or hers in it and sounds very clumpy.

"Shit!" He hissed, releasing his hold on her to shake his hand in pain. He immediately reached for her again, but he stopped where he was, as though he'd hit an invisible field.

You appear to like using 'off of' a lot too, again lose the of.

I'm no editor but I've been around the site for long enough to know that this still needs a ton of editing.

Sorry, I wouldn't usually say this to a newcomer (because my book was dross when I uploaded it) but as this has been professionally edited and you asked for honest feedback I have obliged.

Good luck with it, if you stick around long enough, the people on here will soon have it looking polished.

Melxx
Impeding Justice

This book is complete, professionally edited, and published by e-publisher Liquid Silver Books. I would like to hear what my peers think about the chapters I've presented.

Honest feedback and constructive criticism is welcome.

Thanks :)