Touch Sensitive

Touch Sensitive:

Crafting the first sentence of a book is challenging. The reader is defensive (I don't know why that is the case -- it might have to do with a history of having read more crappy and substandard texts in their life time rather than outstanding, or at the very least 'memorable' works) and its up to the author to rip off that defense and make them receptive.

I often find when reading that once my defense is down the author can do no wrong. Yes, there'll be snippets here and there, chapters here and there that are not quite as enthralling as others, but they've already won my trust - and I will finish the book and trust the story they are feeding me. Well, this long blurb was really in effort to tell you how you managed to draw me in by that very first sentence -- "Everything changed the day I killed my father." Simply wonderful.

This story is told very well, with a sure authorial voice that sucks you into the story quickly and effortlessly.

The book starts with the protagonist joining a new school and the anxiety of making friends, choosing alliances and such. The boy who is overweight (okay, fat) does not want to associate with Ursula who he imagines is only seeking out "her kind" to make friends with. He wants to fly under the radar so he'd rather avoid her. Its the usual school mix with your fair share of bullies and school fights. This chapter introduces his synaesthesia, the fact that its herediteray and the sense that his killings are not mindless but out of a need. The reader is empathetic to the protagonist even though they know he’ll turn out to be a serial killer. Kind of reminds me of the series Dexter. We love the dude even though he is wacko. But of course I could be wrong about how the author intends to play this out having read the first two chapters.

Chapter two is a wonderful beginning, introducing the protagonists adulthood and his life as a serial killer. We are introduced to Ben who works for the CID and DC Walsh, who I assume will be playing a major role along with Ben in this book.
To sum up this is one heck of an entertaining read. The writer has taken pains to make it free and clear of grammatical errors and it reads very smooth. Great analogy/descriptive text sprinkled throughout. Imagery effortless.

I would buy this book once published!

Observations:
Chapter One:
1. You write: "I didn't notice the man stage front until he coughed." ... is that how you intended to phrase it?

2. Next (,) to my horror(,) was my name.

Chapter Two:
1. "I'll try(,") she says. ("W)hy?"

2. Ben says (rather than "says Ben" --- just a suggestion, think it sounds better - less noticeable when reading which is the point .... the reader should use the dialogue tags to cue them in to who is speaking unobtrusively .... so I always feel "he said, he asked, Ben replied ....etc .. .sounds better than the reverse --- of course its entirely up to you :)

Cheers! Kari

Hi Sarah,
This is not a story I would otherwise reach for, but your profile and request for comments reined me in for a look. Fabulous opening paragraph. I was immiediately submerged into the story. I could find nothing to crit, not even a nit. Great voice, pace, turn of phrase. Lovely writing. The fight and nose injuries described well. I loved that Miss Day came round with a cigarette and after her French line . . . Great character work.
Brava! Would love your thoughts on my first chapter, when you can. Thanks.
John B Campbell . . . Walk to Paradise Garden

Great stuff! Definitely putting this on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

I've reviewed the first couple of chapters of Touch Sensitive and found it an engaging read. Sarah, I especially liked the opening paragraphs, the background on synaesthesia I found really interesting, including the tie to Jimi Hendrix. I got a little lost with the french language dialogue (I don't speak French, so this went on a little longer than I would have liked) and this may be a problem with some readers as they may miss subtle points of your storyline. I would capitalise the F in form as this word usage could be misunderstood. I like the transition in time between the first two chapters, the new characters are interesting and I wanted to know more about them. I'm not sure on the analogy of 'killed my father' for the first time... after a school brawl ends in a broken nose... seems a little extreme to me. On the medical side, consider a bit more investigation... rigor mortis occurs usually 3+ hours after death. I don't think a person's heart can be removed with a single, elongated 'deep cut'. Bruises ''starting to occur' after death are very rare (not impossible) - meaning that the strangulation marks are already present. I only mention these examples because there are plenty of murder mystery readers that actually know this stuff and you may loose some credibility for the sake of a few tweaks. I would also say 'probably murdered' as in the previous passage it's stated as a 'suspicious' death (more than suspicious, I would think!). I got the Sigue Sigue Sputnik ref, but it is a little obsecure if you're trying to create an instant visual (eg; Jimi is still mainstream pop culture, so it works fine).

Sarah I think you have the basis of a good novel and I will keep it watchlisted for further reading. Best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

I thought that this was pretty good stuff. So far anyway. The pitch is good. Your writing style is excellent, as is your ear for dialogue. My advice to anyone who has been tinkering with a book over a long period is simply to let it all hang out. Get the bones of the story down on paper and leave all the detail and the polishing for later.

Hope this helps. Best wishes Philip John

Forgot to say police and forensics well detailed.

Here at last is a review. Sorry it took a while!

I really enjoyed the first six chapters and if I had more time or it was in book form I would definitely have read on.

The cover I find a bit dull. Bradley Wind does good covers for people (hope this isn't one of his!!!) so maybe you could have a think about that as it does make a difference in presentation. Your MC is immersed in a world of feeling and colours and your cover does not reflect that at all.(sorry, no pun intended).

Both the pitches worked for me.

I very much like the fact you have placed this book in real and recognisable areas. It made me homesick for Sussex just reading the parts about Brighton!

Your characterisation is good and the MC is a very sympathetic character. The early part where he is at school is well drawn. The death of his father is shocking and believable.

I like the way you have portrayed the synesthesia. It is an intriguing subject and not many people will necessarily know much about it and you manage to give the information in a natural way and not as a list of facts. This, I feel works very well.

I have a few further comments to offer, mainly from the first few chapters as after that I got immersed in just reading and didn't take notes. I hope you don't mind my pointing things out. I wouldn't bother if I didn't think your book was worth the trouble.

Chapter 1

Great first line!!

Good old Dorothy Stringer!

'anyone left who s(t)ill doubted his authority, he would soon put pay (paid?) to that.

'I was the next name on the list, to my horrro' would have more impact reversed to read.'To my horror, I was the next name on the list' (?)

If it was his first day at school, how did the Headmaster know his character?

Good first chapter giving a lot of information in a natural way with an excellent strap line.

Chapter 2

'Queen's we will rock you' would be better written 'Queen's 'We Will Rock You'

I found the scene and character change a bit confusing.

'white shirt, blue tie and matching blue shirt'?

Some missing quote marks in their conversation and not always necessary to write 'she says' if there are only two people talking the reader knows it is her speaking.

Again a sudden scene change at 'Ben takes a handkerchief'. You need some indication that this is a new scene. Row of stars or something.

I liked 'at Her Majesty's pleasure and Ben's'!

Chapter 3

Jackson Pollock not Pollack. A small point but important.

A good chapter dealing with his life after his father's death, his weight loss etc.

I stopped taking notes after that but the chapters works well except that in one chapter you jump back to his school days after he has already left school in another chapter. I feel this needs tightening up.

I like the other characters and enjoyed reading this. Good luck with it.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: I was hooked by your edgy first chapter. I really care about your main character. Your imagery is fresh and vivid. Good tension. Pacing of the first chapter is a bit slow, probably because so many characters are introduced.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Superb opening line. I'm hooked.
2) 'Purple, like my Dad.' 'Dad' should be lowercase. When a kinship term in modified (usually by a personal pronoun) it becomes a common noun and is lowercase. There are more cases where a modified kinship term is capitalized when it should be lowercase.
3) ' ... an essential of any physic Lab.' No need to capitalize 'Lab.'
4) 'THAT was the moment I'd been dreading.' No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with all caps. Use italics to emphasize a word.
5) "Got a problem Fatzackerley," he asked. Comma after 'problem.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. Also, put a question mark after 'Fatzackerley."
6) ' ... the few that remained, vanished when Miss Day appeared.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. use 'who' for people.
7) 'I should be thankful for small mercies' is cliche. Consider writing the same sentiment, but in a fresher way.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for shelving "Savannah Oak" in September.

Have a sensational day.

Al

Sarah,

this is the review as promised.

You have a very unique character with an engaging story for his past. These are both positive elements that will easily draw attention to your book.


You are offering me the necessary information on Oliver's uniqueness and you are doing fine. You choose (?) to interrupt the narrative of the day in the school with images of the relationship between his mother and father. That was something I found off -putting as I think that the day in school was masterfully told and it would have a stronger impact if described in one piece (I'm going to change my opinion on this later, but keep in mind that this is the first impression one will get). You interweaved two scenes that belong to the "flashback" structure -- as I understand when I reach chapter 3.

We are thrown twenty years after the day in the school and I have to move well into the description of the scene to understand that we moved in the future... (I never read the pitch before I write a review, but now I felt I had to). The investigation carries on and flows well. I see good characterizaton of the rookie against the experienced detective. I am happy with the realistic dialogue and the plausible setting. I read on.

Entering chapter 3 I see a clear flashback in 1st person, which could be debated if it serves the story well. And now I know what you are trying to do. More on your structure later.

A great scene with the father and the excuse given by the mother. I like the plot line that brings Oliver in the house , and I like the dialogue with Ash. A good chapter overall, one that makes me turn the page.

I see new names again -to many already- and I find my self not willing to care enough to read about them, as I have the urge to know more about the already set ones. I quit reading in the middle of chapter 4.

Problem and Suggestion:
Structure is the problem.
I think your opening chapter is what makes the rest of your story seem confusing. What do I mean by this. You stretch to much on the characters around Oliver's first day. You introduce in detail Matthew, Ursula, the teachers, and you care to tell me what was told in the class during French etc... While the important things are, as I can now see, the relationship of the parents and the unique ability of Oliver. Also, this chapter connects immediately with the third one, where the scenes are the ones following Oliver's coming back from school.

Suggestion

Keep your opening paragraph as it is. Give me the images of his mother out of the school's entrance and mention of the relationship with his Dad in one short paragraph. Enter the school and make it short and to the point. Reach the fighting scene without any interruptions or irrelevant details such as the French course. If there is any of those characters to be used keep them (I was thinking abotu Ursula, I don't know), if not they don't need to be there. The moment he is taken to the Headmaster you can switch to him worrying about the situation at home and give me another insight of what I should expect.
Chapter 2 as it is.
Chapter 3 as it is... When I enter chapter 4, I won't have to juggle all the Chapter 1 characters I don't need to know about. So that the new ones can take their place.

Thats' all from me. I hope I could be of help.

Yannis
The Book of the Forsaken

Sounds good from the pitch. Brace yourself, here comes my comment!

All good so far. I'm on paragraph 13, you've got sill, where you mean still.

Need to add a few commas to the head's speech unless he doesn't breathe when talking.

Well I'm done with the first chapter and that's it for corrections. Nice work.

Sarah, this is a well-written piece, the schoolyard, assembly hall, brought back sounds I thought I'd forgotten all about, and the chant of, fight, fight, fight must be the most memorable chant of anyone's school days. I have no crit to offer as I saw nothing wrong here in the literary sense, and I'm puzzled why it only has one shelf????? Well, two now.

A quicky: 4th paragraph: "it made (IS) easier to remember ..."

I enjoyed the read, even though it was a long one.

Lisa. x

Dang. I just read and read and read. That almost never happens on Authonomy; I spend most of my time re-reading and asking myself, "I wonder what this person really meant here?"

Normally, my English-teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, picks at all the nits, but she found nothing to pick at in this manuscript.

~Audrey

Sarah,
Touch Sensitive has a plot I could never have imagined on my own. It's very modern-day and has great appeal to readers of the thriller genre. While I'm generally not one of them, I found this narrative compelling due to the strangeness of it. A serial killer is not someone who tends to have compassion for his victims and would probably be doing something else if he did. They are described by those in the psychiatric profession as sociopaths, but Oliver seems to fit into his own category which makes him a compelling character in a work of fiction, though not someone I would want to know in real life. For a thriller to interest me at all, it must have unique characteristics which set it apart from other thrillers and Touch Sensitive has them in abundance.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Touch Sensitive:

Crafting the first sentence of a book is challenging. The reader is defensive (I don't know why that is the case -- it might have to do with a history of having read more crappy and substandard texts in their life time rather than outstanding, or at the very least 'memorable' works) and its up to the author to rip off that defense and make them receptive.

I often find when reading that once my defense is down the author can do no wrong. Yes, there'll be snippets here and there, chapters here and there that are not quite as enthralling as others, but they've already won my trust - and I will finish the book and trust the story they are feeding me. Well, this long blurb was really in effort to tell you how you managed to draw me in by that very first sentence -- "Everything changed the day I killed my father." Simply wonderful.

This story is told very well, with a sure authorial voice that sucks you into the story quickly and effortlessly.

The book starts with the protagonist joining a new school and the anxiety of making friends, choosing alliances and such. The boy who is overweight (okay, fat) does not want to associate with Ursula who he imagines is only seeking out "her kind" to make friends with. He wants to fly under the radar so he'd rather avoid her. Its the usual school mix with your fair share of bullies and school fights. This chapter introduces his synaesthesia, the fact that its herediteray and the sense that his killings are not mindless but out of a need. The reader is empathetic to the protagonist even though they know he’ll turn out to be a serial killer. Kind of reminds me of the series Dexter. We love the dude even though he is wacko. But of course I could be wrong about how the author intends to play this out having read the first two chapters.

Chapter two is a wonderful beginning, introducing the protagonists adulthood and his life as a serial killer. We are introduced to Ben who works for the CID and DC Walsh, who I assume will be playing a major role along with Ben in this book.
To sum up this is one heck of an entertaining read. The writer has taken pains to make it free and clear of grammatical errors and it reads very smooth. Great analogy/descriptive text sprinkled throughout. Imagery effortless.

I would buy this book once published!

Observations:
Chapter One:
1. You write: "I didn't notice the man stage front until he coughed." ... is that how you intended to phrase it?

2. Next (,) to my horror(,) was my name.

Chapter Two:
1. "I'll try(,") she says. ("W)hy?"

2. Ben says (rather than "says Ben" --- just a suggestion, think it sounds better - less noticeable when reading which is the point .... the reader should use the dialogue tags to cue them in to who is speaking unobtrusively .... so I always feel "he said, he asked, Ben replied ....etc .. .sounds better than the reverse --- of course its entirely up to you :)

Cheers! Kari

Suprised this isn't higher up the charts as the narrative voice is great. Your book cover is clever, also. And works well with the story. Only read a bit but feels ready for the ed's desk. Good look.

A very good start on the story and you write with a very nice flow. This is quite a powerful read. It was a bit scary to read about the dad’s death with all the blood that was flowing and the wait for the police. It made me a bit scared and also to think back on my own story where I could have done the same with my dad as this girl in your story. It was quite upsetting to read about Lizette and her self harming because this is so much happening in our society today. It looks to me that you have great incite in real life and the suffering that people have to endure. I will say that you are an excellent writer and you are doing a great job, keep trucking.

Hello Sarah
I like your pitch - the idea behind the book is intriguing - so read a few chapters at random. You write fluently with good pace and I think your changes of tense work well. Your characters are interesting and well drawn. I am happy to high-rate and back this.
Vall (Midwyf)

Sarah i have ready four chapters so far and have really enjoyed it. I dont know if this condition if fact or fiction. Whilst we feel empathy for Oliver we dont feel pitty. You have made him so three dimentional that we feel we know him. The incidents that you describe as well written we feel we are party to. You have a lot of talent as a storyteller. A couple of places you could make it stronger. When the detective goes to the house to tell the parents, neither of them asks how their daughter died, where she was found etc. I think that would have been something as a parent you would need to know but we come out of that scene and go to searching the bedroom. When they come down with the laptop there is another opportunity to ask. Having had a few moments on their own they would have had loads of questions. I think with a bit of tightening up here and there you could do very well with this unusual story.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley

An enjoyable read and most of all great drive and pace which drags us along at break neck speed

best wishes

Richard

Hi Sarah, I was drawn to this by your pitch and the unique plot. Great tale well told. Little confused at the begining - the last time he saw his mothers eyes was the day he started school, but as she was there when he killed his father, did everything happen on the same day?... I liked the shifting between POV and the fleshing out of the characters as the story moves along. Read to the end of what's posted. Best of luck with this.
Babs

Dear Sara,

I started reading your opus and thought I would give you my cent and half
Since you posted only a few chapters, I assume you want a critique of the style rather than the plot
Also I will leave aside the accolades and concentrate on the constructive criticism since that is what you asked for

So let's start:

Now that is a brutal start. Effective not doubt, but brutal

The first thing that jumps at me is that you are setting from the start the story around the emotional map of your main character, which makes sense if the plot revolves around a fellow that feels too much. The "how" of his emotional map also works; short, concrete, almost didactic reactions to events, rather than the kind of sophmoric descriptions one sometimes get.

"there was no place for me...."

"I knew my place at the bottom...

By showing his reactions, you evoke his emotional map, rather than describe it

And when the writer evokes..... the reader feels.

I also like the precision of the body language descriptions:

"dark hair, dark bushy beard......"


Some of my favorites:

"Everything changed...."

"A snigger from....

"A brilliant green star buck...."

"my lips in front of my eyes...."


Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

This is the brain researcher talking: synaesthesia is when one sensory system is wired crossed with another, so that if somebody touches your hand, you feel a smell. Mirrow-ing is behavioral modeling; children look up and imitate what they see. I like the idea of an avenger with faulty wiring but you need to explain the neurology better (if asked, happy to help).

The sense of place needs a bit of fine tuning:

"The problem started ...."

"Across the empty playing field"

specifically the mind image that sets the picture in the reader's mind
Just because you named it, doesn't mean you described it.

If you are going to get poetic and repetitious - and If you read my Opus you would know that I am all for it - you should consider from time to time using poetic spacing:

Bright purple....
No
Not fireflies
More like purple....

Why?
Because when you start using poetic repetitions, the breathing of the reader changes:
that is what the beat does, it changes the breathing
so you can use a spatial arrangement that profits from that

I would also suggest that whenever Oliver goes into his empathic rages, you do the following:

be factual in the description of what he is doing
while
letting go the poetic language as to what he is feeling

fo ex:

"He smashed the man's head against the wall, blood dripping, his pommels expanding like delicious grapes ready for harvesting; he was feeling it all"

What that juxtaposition does is establish the extraordinary emotional map of the character - a map that is central to the plot - through original language.

If you create an original stylistic language to represent a unique state of mind, it will act as a warning/signature to the reader:

this is not your ordinary empathic response...this is more than you ever experienced

Think of the dystopic mix of precise language and brutal description of Hannibal Lector in the Silence of the Lambs

Hope it helps

david

Hi Sarah,
This is not a story I would otherwise reach for, but your profile and request for comments reined me in for a look. Fabulous opening paragraph. I was immiediately submerged into the story. I could find nothing to crit, not even a nit. Great voice, pace, turn of phrase. Lovely writing. The fight and nose injuries described well. I loved that Miss Day came round with a cigarette and after her French line . . . Great character work.
Brava! Would love your thoughts on my first chapter, when you can. Thanks.
John B Campbell . . . Walk to Paradise Garden

Hi Sarah, You have very descriptive characters. A little sick in their mulitations but its an interesting story. I Back it. Harold Alvin (ICON)Wesley

this is original, written with rich narrative and dialogue....great opening starts us off well...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Backed Touch Sensitive. We found a few minor editing mistakes. We’re still backing you though; this is something different (touch/feel) and we feel that it will rise in ranking because of that. Good luck!
CC Brown
Dark Side

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and your work is character rich and I also like your character development of Ben and Dee. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your crime thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

An exciting read, delivering exactly what your pitch promises. Well written and crafted to perfection. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

You are totally fantastic, Sarah! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoir book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Pitched well. Very charged and exciting book

backed

great pitch. I was hooked! Excited to read more. Good luck
Backed!

Melissa Nielsen
The Guardian and the Book of Souls

Hi Sarah,
this doesn't get going for me until the dialogue kicks in. The intro isn't as smooth as it could be - in my opinion, of course. Interjecting as the storyteller tends to stop the reader. Just a little confusing what's going on and who is who. I know it sounds boring and I'm actually learning this myself at the mo, but to be published I think oyu need to follow the mechanics of the already published - set the scene - id the characters - yawn, yawn... I know. Have a look at the intro though - and the author interjection - you first para is the most important. Music doesn't seem to work as 'emanates' from the phone? Dulcet tones of Freddie Mercury? Anyway, ranodm thoughts. I'm looking through Dwight Swaynes 'Techniques of the Selling Writer' from Amazon - have a look - a real eye opener. Best of luck. Please feel free to have a dig at mine - what we're both here for. Cheers Rob (When...?)

I hope you'll be posting more of this story... it's such a good and enjoyable read. The whole idea of someone feeling the pain of others is so different, and I like different when it comes to my reading material. Backed because you very much entertained me.

Reads authentic. Horrible and believable, unfortunately. Hope there are some uplifting things in later chapters but this certainly sounds like the start of a gripping crime read.
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Touch Sensitve. Hi Sarah, How realistic! The body, the young police officer's reaction. You have a nice, relaxed style of writing and do not make the read too heavy for the reader. Just some minor editing required, for example, 'dulcet tones' = cliche. 'years ago' is correct. 'London Bridge' main line or underground? The shirt ends one sentence and starts another. Small things and I am very, very fussy. Good plot though and your story will progress well on this site. Best of luck, Gordon. The Harpist of Madrid

Hi Sarah,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

Hi Sarah, you have made a very good start with this and crafted a really tight plot for an excellent thriller. I love the premise of synaethesia as his motive for murder. Strong character development and realistic dialogue. Your well-devised pitch drew me in.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

A good pich followed by a story to match it.
The opening was a highly subtle and insightful read. I hadn't been entirely sure what you meant inthe pitch, it was intriguing but different, so when Oliver thumpe the idiot and felt the pain, it all became clear. You also dropped some excellent hints regards his mother's mental state and the state of her relationship with Oliver's father.
I will read on, but in the meantime, backed.

A good pich followed by a story to match it.
The opening was a highly subtle and insightful read. I hadn't been entirely sure what you meant inthe pitch, it was intriguing but different, so when Oliver thumpe the idiot and felt the pain, it all became clear. You also dropped some excellent hints regards his mother's mental state and the state of her relationship with Oliver's father.
I will read on, but in the meantime, backed.

This is fascinating and such an intriguing premise. You set the scene wonderfully with down-to-earth characters and engaging prose. You balance intelligent prose and taut, tense atmosphere perfectly.

Backed with pleasure!
Abi xxx

Hi Sarah, Very clever stuff. I was a bit unsure of the opening chapter, even though very well written. it confused me at first having read your excellent pitch. I wonder if you might either introduce it after ch 2, so the reader has already been captivated or change the title to 'Purple Haze-how it all started'. You have a briliant idea and write very well indeed. PhilMc Deep State

Sarah, hello and where does one get such an amazing story? this is a thriller and not my usual read but you grabbed me by the throat and reeled me in. Loved your pitched, and your characters are in my head and I wish they would go home now.ha! good work well crafted...BACKED.......My book is of a different genre but that is the beauty of this site, I am not asking you to agree with my book, but if you could 'REVIEW' and 'COMMENT, and if you feel BACK it. I would be so happy. Again BEST OF LUCK with your book

Denise
The Letter

Hi Sarah, Good characterization as the school day commences. Also, the description from Oliver’s POV was good in that it didn’t come off as his poetic thought but as a picture. He seems to be withholding until he punches Matthew. His explanation of his feelings raises this phenomenon in a realistic sense. With the synopsis, I can see how he will be a character with dimensions when he takes his computer job. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

It's nice to see something pitched well. Also the fact that the reader 'knows' what the relationships are from the pitch is also refreshingly different these days.

The writing is neat, economic and sharp, with very few runaway sentences/descriptions - and I got to feel about the characters as well.

Read and enjoyed, backed with pleasure

a very enjoyable read, well done
backed

aliosn

A great premise and a very interesting main character. Well written, and with almost no errors of spelling or grammar. The only thing that I noticed that I consider an error is that you referred to mum with no capital. When it's used as a proper noun, that is, like a name, it should have a capital. I commend you on this story, and have put it on my shelf. Marj.

Swap-Read? PhilMc, Deep State

Dear Sarah, I love your intrigue of trying to catch a killer before he strikes again - we've had a couple in LA which they finally caught. Praise God. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Excellent pitch and worth a read for that alone. I can't help it, I think that the inclusion of the condition of mirror-touch synaesthesia (real?) is cool. I like the color theme too, and think that eventually it may work well with the killer's condition, sort of comparing how people feel and see things differently. Your first chapter begins right in the middle of the action, with vivid descriptions and riveting dialogue. Your pace between action, dialogue and description is a swift one, yet we begin to know the setting and characters well nonetheless. A great start for an original thriller.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

My oldest son is an IT consultant. I hope this book isn't about him. Using "touch synaesthesia" in your story is a nice touch (pun slightly intended). "Wanna play the hero?" Hey, as Peter Tosh say, "If you want to live, treat me good because I'm stepping razor, you better watch my size, I'm dangerous, I'm dangerous . . ." "A brilliant green starburst flashes in front of my eyes . . . I think I've broken his nose." It's very intriguing how Zach feels the pain of the others. "When I see someone else being touched, I well. I feel it actually feel it."

I'm enjoying this very much so far. I'm interested in how he begins to read the emails and feels the distress in the writers. This is great start to a thriller with a difference. I'll be back to read more. Backed with pleasure.

Touch Sensitive
Sarah Kidner

Sarah,
Thanks much for your in-depth and supportive comment on The Somnambulist. I appreciate the large amount of time you would have spent both in reading and commenting, which is obvious and I attempt to return your kindness here with as in-depth a comment as my non-expert abilities will allow!

I love serial killer stories - of course the real life ones are stranger than fiction and I've followed most of their histories from Jeffrey Dahmer to Ted Bundy to John Wayne Gacey to Son of Sam to Wayne Williams to Ed Gein to the Boston Strangler to Jack the ripper to Neilson to Andrei Chikatilo et al. Fascinating stuff and the profiles, motivations of these people are equally as fascinating as their procedures in committing the murders which they did. I think you must have done a lot of research on these people to have been able to write a book as interesting and as promising as the one you have here. I admire your imaginative, unique plot - the idea of Zach being able to feel people's pain literally, and killing the persons causing the pain whose identities he comes upon through reading those private e-mail messages. Full points for an imaginative, stimulating and exciting plot. Very apt for the times too by includung this technological angle as the basis of his information whereby he finds his victims.

Small nit - in your long pitch, insert a space between "Zachhas".

Sorry for being an ignoramus, but can I ask whether "mirror-touch synaesthesia" which causes Zach to feel the pain sensations of others in his own body, is an actual condition or is it fictional? Just curious, although somewhere at the back of my mind, I think I've heard of it before, although not sure about its scientific basis. But either way, you set up a good foundation here as to the reason why Zach the maniac kills. Your story is therefore credible and simply thrilling.

Your plot facets are well thought out and well developed as Zach secures a job as an IT consultant for The Samaritans which enables him to tap into the email server and read some of the messages. Viewing himself as an avenging angel, he begins to track down those responsible for causing distress to others and gives them a bloody and painful end. Such a well crafted plot Sarah. Great respect here for your talents.

You develop your plot further as enter the scene, forensic computer scientist Divya Patel and her Detective Inspector boyfriend Ben Sanderson. More tension and thrills as the reader wants to see whether they can connect the murders and find Zach before he kills again. (Small nit - in your long pitch, regarding this part of your plot, you use the name "Ben" instead of "Zach" - correct this error.)

I really like your start "Purple Haze". 'So much for good omens" felt slightly creepy after reading your pitches. The info regarding colours and what mum sees is so stimulating. I like a start like this because it is a sign that one is in for a good read. I had to chuckle at that line - the only thing worse than being the school's freak is being one of a group of freaks. THis is entertaining. I love the phrase "small fry in this uncharted ocean" - me on Authonomy! "The name's Bond, Johnathon Bond... Mr. Bond has a licence to Kill." This scene at the school is very well done. There is a sense of the unknown as one sees it from the point of view of the narrator, and there's also a creepy feel, eerie feel to it which makes the reader want to read on. Lively energetic writing - now we know who the narrator is - Oliver. Lively part with the French class - ca va! Then Ursula pissing herself - you have so many active, interesting details in just this one chapter, your writing is alive and energetic and reminds me now of high school.
Leave her alone! Wanna play the hero? Okay Sarah - this is brilliant - at this exact point I feel happy about my analytical abilities as modest as they are - I think Oliver will become our serial killer as he feels Ursula's pain sitting in her pee??? It could easily be him sitting there, he thinks. Yes, it's him! Another clue - Fazackerley!! This is simply a fantastic chapter and I like how you write it from his point of view - there will be a lot of conflict in the reader henceforth because you portray him here as a normal high school student - normal enough, although self-effacing to some extent to think himself a freak, for the reader to think him likeable, especially as he defends Ursula against the cigarette-smoking bullies. Fight occurs. Matthew's nose is broken. Get the nurse! Mon dieu! Some skill you've got in writing and developing your story. I am in complete awe here and envy, to say the least. I like the conversation betwen Ursula and Oliver later where he says - where I see someone being touched, I feel it too.
So, mum is called to the school. WE won't tell dad, she says. Silence is born of fear as well as disappointment. Oliver acknowledges to himself that when he punched Matthew he felt a surge passing through his body. He hates bullies and cowards. Oh boy, Sarah, this is a good one - here empathy and sympathy for a serial-killer to be, on the part of the reader!! Phew! This was a good start indeed. I can say with confidence that I don't need to read more to know that this is a book I want to own when in print. If this is a sample chapter and it is so engaging I can't imagine what the rest of your chapters will read like - and I know they will be good ones, for as I said befrore, there is nothing more fascinating than a serial killer story!! I look forward very much to returning to read more Sarah when I make some free time. You are a talented writer for sure and I hope this will be picked up. I am listing it on my profile page as one of my favourite reads on the site.
(Just one thing that occurred to me after reading this first chapter - structuring the novel to keep tension and interest. It felt good discovering that Oliver is the would-be serial killer. BUt this discovery is made in the very FIRST chapter. I am wondering about the value of keeping the suspense about the killer's identity for a while, and whether it woud be valuable to make this suspense last throughout the novel, until it is revealed at the end??? I am no expert of course, but just a thought I had and leave it to you to decide how relevant a thought it is. Of course, I can't judge the level of tension, suspense and thrills yet to come in the ensuing chapters not having read them so you as writer know best. Love your writing either way - you now have a big fan!)
Best,
Zan

This is quite the little compulsive read. Its well written, well designed, nice original feel to the story. V V Good - Backed - Clair

Very well written and full of interesting subjects! I like how this is just a little different from other books in this genre. It stands out. I also like your writing style. This has a great pace and lots of detail, which surprisingly doesn't slow it down. You've done a wonderful job with this! I'd continue to read this to the end if I could, so many interesting developments coming from what I can tell.

Missy