The Lady Mary - The Kings Daughter

Who said history is boring? Ridiculous, when it's told in herstory as in The Lady Mary - the King's Daughter by Nikki Long in great juicy and spicy detail that has the reader yearning for the Marys and Katharines and kings and queens of glorious Engelond.

Best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

An eloquent historical with well rounded, complex characters. Wonderful imagery. Effective dialogue that evokes the era. Fabulous narrative. Brilliant writing. A pleasure to read. Backed.

Nikki,

Great job with this! You've got a lot of reverence for your subject, and your attention to detail gives Mary's POV an air of authenticity that's never in danger of being stale or dull. On the contrary, this flew!

Nice work! Backed you on Saturday. Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

I have read a fair few of books written about this time--but I don't think I have read one written in first person. When I started reading and saw it was in first person I was not sure--I didn't think you could pull that off---but my dear---you have! This is really beautiful and you bring me into Mary's emotional state. I really really wish you well with this!
Barbara

Hi Nikki, I absolutely loved this. Reminded me a bit of the 'Bolyn Inheritance' by Phillipa Gregory. That said, it is totally different. It makes a first rate read and I enjoyed what I read immensely, especially as a historical fiction writer myself. My book - The Harpist of Madrid - is of the same genre and I hope you enjoy that! Good luck, Gordon

This is such a popular and well-known period in history that at first, it's difficult to picture how it could be portrayed with any freshness. However, the voice you use for the young Mary feels just right . It helps of course that readers will be familiar with the events of her life but you manage to do what so many writers overlook and that is to really get inside the head of your character, giving the reader a very intimate view of the world into which you invite us.
As someone else has already mentioned though, you need to work on commas and apostrophes and there are also some errors with words (so easily done) such as 'plums' instead of plumbs! Once the punctuation is nailed, I can see this being a very good read.
Good luck with it,
Tiara.

Dear Nikki

I have enjoyed the four chapters of "The Lady Mary The King's Daughter" that I have read. I have nowhere else seen such a characterful and engaging account of Princess Mary and it is a pleasure to listen to "her" strong voice.

A great deal has been written about the Tudors, but here is an account of genuine interest. I have always felt that Mary's story, being a catholic one, has been misunderstood and misrepresented by historians. Now, you give us a fresh insight into her position and state of mind.

You write very well and a thorough going through for punctuation and nits would help the flow of your narrative.

Best wishes

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

Hi Nikki,
I had a quick look at the first chapter, and it is very well written : polished and flowing well.
As I said, I am not your best audience - this is not my genre of choice - but I it did seem as though the first chapter was there to give me the back story. You might want to consider filling that in more slowly a bit later, and begin by 'showing' the reader who Mary is and where the story might be going, rather than (such a cliché, sorry) 'telling' me.
Just a thought.
Thanks for the invitation, though,

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

There are so many Tudor stories out there, but I don't think I've seen one from Mary's point of view. You portray her passion and frustration really well and the mix of story and historical information is nicely done.
There are places were you might want to edit - King's daughter should have an apostrophe, I think, and it would be a shame if little stuff like that got in the way of your work. Mary's voice is strong and believable.
Best
Kate

Didn't think I could feel sympathy for Mary Tudor but I am converted!

I have only started to read these kind of books and am loving the Henry VIII era. Your opening chapters connect straight away. Lovely description and imagery and the style of writing unique. Well done. Have backed and rated.

Ruth2904
To Dream Again

i really like historical fiction. i find epic novels hard to write. my take on this main character may be a different view, but the way you have portrayed mary is credible. and i agree with others´comments below...great description and dialogue flows nicely...
j
what every woman should know

Hello Nikki,

The first two chapters of your book are highly intriguing. You have done remarkably well in building up the characters especially that of Mary. The injustice being done to Mary and her mother by her father, the King and his mistress has been brilliantly explained and sets up perfectly for the rest of the events to unfold. However, I have noticed some spelling mistakes in the two chapters.

Venkatarama

The Lady Mary. This promises to be an enthralling tale of an era which even I learned of in school in Kenya. Your pitches jog my memory, and your cover is most appropriate.

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Wouldnt it be more correct to say 'I wish I were not holding the letter.'?
Some words are better left out, such as almost, just.
You introduce the back-story in an interesting and seamless manner.
A minor point - there are several unnecessary commas in your story, which would be easy to address.
I think you mean 'it plumbs my spirits to new depths.'

Ch.2. The present tense fits your story well, and the commas are not so frequent in this chapter.
But perhaps you labour the reason for Mary's agony, repeating it a little too often?
There are two 'had's in the first line of her letter.
You have an easy flowing style, which makes Mary's story through her eyes most interesting.

Ch.3. 'says to me' is repeated in the first line!
Hope you dont mind those nits - sometimes I cant help myself.

Ch.4-5. Even though I know the story, I am enthralled by the way you describe it.
'It is with the utmost will that I force down my tears.' Evocative words.
You stray into pasttense and back on the journey to Hatfield.
Mary's strong character is emerging well under her misfortunes.

This is a dignified story, well written, but in need of some simple editing. We all have to do it!
I can see that historical fiction readers will love your book.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Have just started reading these kind of books. I must say from taking a quick peek, yours looks just as good as the big writers books. Have put you on my watchlist and will read it as soon as.

Ruth
To Dream Again

Dear Nikki,
I’m a first time writer and English is not my first language. So, please pardon me if you find some or all of my views irrelevant or out of context. They are shaped mostly by comments that I’ve received for my own work and which in turn have helped me to refine my writing.
I’ve read the first chapter, and these are a few things that I noticed.
‘My fingers tremble with anticipation and foreboding, as they run over the paper, breaking the dark red seal of my father’s emblem, (which binds it shut.)’ – You’ve already mentioned ‘seal’. Removing the bracketed portion would shorten the long sentence and ease the flow.
‘(Suddenly,) I am so reluctant to read what it might say’ – You’ve already mentioned ‘anticipation’ in the first line. ‘Suddenly’ would make a smooth transition to the contradictory feelings.
Please forgive the nitpicking. But this is such a beautiful story that I thought it needs to be perfected, just like the rest of us. :-)
You may want to check the punctuation. Maybe, a few commas are misplaced. There is an instance of over-writing, e.g. ‘living in the deepest of sin’ and ‘my father lives in sin’ occur consecutively. Again, when she receives the second letter, ‘I dare not read it.’ Please also look out for some minor slips, e.g. household (one word), (most) mightiest, etc.
I’m not well acquainted with the history of this period. But the minute details show that this book is likely to be well researched. That is further confirmed by the voice itself. I believe that people spoke in a certain manner in those times, which you’ve captured quite effectively. The king’s letter looks very authentic. But, it becomes a bit tedious when that same speech / thought style is followed by the narrator as well. Writing from a first person POV, you obviously had no choice. However, if you can change that to a 3rd person POV, then you’ll be at liberty to use simpler construction. As a result, your story will appeal to a wider section of readers.
Lastly, I’d like to comment on the pitch. The short one is fine, although I had to look up Hatfield and learn of its significance, sorry. The long pitch however, is very well written and can instantly grab the reader’s attention and lure them to read an equally interesting story. Well done, there.
So, that’s it. Hope you find my critique relevant and useful.
My rating: 5 stars.
Best regards,
AGC

This was ever so enjoyable. I have always loved books based upon the kings and queens of old. However, I did notice in the tags for the book there is "Bloody Mary". Mary Tudor is not her, Bloody Mary was Mary Queen of Scots. =] Either way, fabulous read. Big thumbs up, and I hope to see a conclusion drawn.

Thank you for your comment, I am glad you enjoyed your read there is always bits being added so do come back.
Not to go all lecturer based on you but you might wanna have a re read of your history books! Mary Tudor aka Mary I of England was the infamous "Bloody Mary." She got the nickname during the reign of her sister Elizabeth I, and it was invented by anti papist who wanted to stir up hatred against the catholic faction!

This was ever so enjoyable. I have always loved books based upon the kings and queens of old. However, I did notice in the tags for the book there is "Bloody Mary". Mary Tudor is not her, Bloody Mary was Mary Queen of Scots. =] Either way, fabulous read. Big thumbs up, and I hope to see a conclusion drawn.

The Lady Mary - The Kings Daughter

Short Pitch: most of us don’t know enough history, but even those of us who do, will lack the detail. I’ve been to Hatfield but I would have thought that most readers would probably not know the meaning of the reference. I suspect putting the purpose of her being sent there would be more useful than merely naming it. As it stands it’s not entirely clear.

Long pitch: I am no good at pitches but this one confused me. It should sell the book to the reader but I felt this one meandered around. Take that second sentence. Why is it so convoluted? ‘The once indulged...’ why isn’t that just ‘Heir to the throne...’ I think you need to tighten this all up. Maybe it would work better if you ran the first three paras together and simplified them.

C1: You will hear from people on this site that they dislike the first person narration. But you have made a decision to go with this approach and I have no fundamental problem with it myself. However, because it’s a POV that requires the reader to get into that character in a very intense way any indications of artificiality in the POV tend to stand out. Mostly as I read through this chapter I had no problem but I did with that very first sentence. I can take all the personal ranting that she does a bit later as she goes on about the ‘King has courted this harlot…’ I think we all do that sort of thing when we are on our own. I know I do (he said, failing to remember that this is a public web site). But what I found off putting was the notion of her describing herself with an adjective like ‘slender’. Even when reporting things to people we never do such things. I might say ‘I’d been waiting for that letter for ages. When it came I ripped it open.’ But I would never say ‘with my muscular fingers’, or whatever. Do you see what I mean?

I noted some spelling typos, a lot of missing apostrophes and a couple of odd tense changes that seemed erroneous.

C2: On occasion I got a little lost. For e.g. when you say: ‘What is it Sir John’, it was not immediately apparent to me that he was one of the messengers who arrive daily. Also this text is overdue a proof read I guess. I found odd things like this: ‘And also that if that if there were any obstacles to…’ and ‘that ruled that ruled in England…’

C3: You have a tendency to overwrite just a bit. For example: ‘My Lady-in-Waiting Susan says to me from the big bay window. “Do you see who it is Susan?” Do you need the repetition of the name? OK I got the feeling that things were hotting up nicely at the end of this chapter. I look back and honestly think your opening sentence is the only POV error that threw me.

The historical detail felt right to me – I am no expert on this period but it seems you have done your research.

- The Lady Mary -

(Chapters 1-3)

This is a gripping and intelligent historical drama. The inner politics of the court are explored and explained extremely well and we have some wonderful characterisation, not only of Mary but also of her mother, the king and his new wife. That the characterisation of the latter works so well is a true testament to the skill of the writing, given that they do not even appear in person in the opening three chapters.

The tension was also well pitched, particularly in chapter three.

The narrative voice is excellent, carrying the character of the speech of the time whilst still being rendered in a reader-friendly manner.

I also liked the short chapter structure as I felt it helped move the read along at a swift pace.

Although the read is excellent as a whole, I do have some editorial notes. I freely admit to being a novice writer and make no claim to being right about these things so feel free to take or leave these as you like.

-The first point of note is that there are missing possessive apostrophes throughout. "Kings" instead of "king's", "fathers" instead of "father's" etc. This also occurs in the pitch.

-Next is that, where a sentence continues after speech, a comma needs to precede the closing speech mark and the following word should not be capitalised unless it is a name. So,

"By the grace of God, sons will follow" He is said to have declared. (chapter one)

....should be

"By the grace of God, sons will follow," he is said to have declared.

-Missing question mark in "Why is Lady Salisbury's husband to leave England," I asked her. (chapter two)

-Terms of address in speech should be capitalised and preceded by a comma.
So,

"There are riders approaching your highness."

....Should be


"There are riders approaching, Your Highness."


These nitpicks are small and certainly do not detract from the fact that this is a classy piece of historical fiction.

All the best with it,

Ross

Comprehensively imagined , convincingly detailed , the language and the emotions conveyed also seem very believable. This period exerts a tremendous pull on historical novelists , is widely screened on television and is still very widely studied in schools , so I think the market for this is substantial and any published book would have a very good chance of success.Would you have the time to have a look at my novel 'A Buccaneer' , set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes , Strachan Gordon

this is a fascinating read; perfect writing style in the first person narrative works very well too.
l will back...
read SEASONS...

Hi Nikki. An interesting story of a tragic woman. Henry made some of our modern despots look like amatures. I enjoy reading history that is brought to life by the thoughts and fears of real people. There are a few mistakes in the wording in places but I'm sure others will have pointed them out. I enjoyed reading as far as I've gone and will return for more. Backed and starred. All the best. Sandy.

Hi, I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered:()

Chapter 1: v descriptive and vivid start. I'm impressed.

I've 1 tiny suggestion, though. I don't think you need to explain quite so much. eg in "my slender fingers tremble with anticipation..." the reader can infer why her fingers are trembling, so they don't need to be told the reason. I actually think spoonfeeding the reader too much is a mistake. I think it's better and more involving to let the reader draw their own conclusions. ;)

reading on... Uh oh the letter's v bad news for Mary. I can almost feel her fear :(.

1 tiny nitpick. I think Mary's thoughts would come through even stronger if you could find ways to avoid filtering constructions such as thought/wondered etc. eg in "...and yet I wonder would he have done the same should our fortunes have been reversed." you're telling the reader Mary is wondering. If, instead, you wrote something like "And yet... would he have done the same should our fortunes have been reversed?" the reader would be sharing
her thoughts direct.

Reading on... Poor Mary. She's v sad too, reminiscing over happier times and what could have been. I think you do a good job of covering a lot of history in a short space. I'm sure that can't have been at all easy. Well done. :)

1 more little suggestion here. I think, where possible, your story would become even more vivid if you could find ways to show more and tells less. eg in "The pity he feels for me is etched acrss his face..." you're telling the reader the messenger pities her. It's a bit like lecturing, and can be a bit uninvolving. Something like "The messenger's face is haggard and he can't meet my eyes..." would show the reader the messenger's pity, and should be more involving for the reader.

Reading on... Another letter. Uh oh. Can things get any worse for Mary? Hmm a veiled warning. It looks like Henry's really under Anne's spell. This is v bad for Mary. I can almost feel Mary's spirit sink as the letter burns.

Chapter 2: Clever use of chess at the start, filled with omens. It snapped me into the scene ;).

1 tiny sugggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue instead of burying it lower in paragraphs. I think it reads faster and easier that way. eg the paragraph starting "Lady Hussey smiles." could easily be rejigged to " "Your grace plays like a true courtier." Lady Hussey smiles..."

Reading on. Good dialogue between Mary and Hussey, filled with intrigue and gossip. It's interesting to see a sideline view of Henry turning into a tyrant. It must have been a v dispiriting time, He had such promise when he was young, but we all know what road he went down. :(

And now Lord Pole's gone. It looks like Mary is being stripped of protection. Things keep getting worse and worse for her. Hmmm and Mary's being moved. i think she's foolish to be relieved she's not being called to court to praise Anne and Henry's good fortune. By being moved, she's being cut out of government and succession. Oho she realises the true import when she learns that her title's taken, though. I can sense her anger.

Good grovelling letter. I can only imagine how much she must have hated writing that. But she knows the temper of her father better than most. That said, I doubt her words ill make any difference. I don't think Henry was a man who had much pity in his heart.

Indeed, it looks like Mary's letter did no good. She's v reduced in surroundings and circumstance.

chapter 3: Riders. Could this be even more bad news? Hmmm it's mixed news. Mary has a rival now, but not the boy she feared. A sister. This isn't the deathblow to her that it could have been.

Good to see Mary still has soe spiririt by reminding the king he has 2 daughters ;). Ah but then we get the declaration for Mary to sign, renouncing her claims. Poor Mary. What can she do? It sounds as if Mary's already been stripped of everything.

I admire for taking a stand and refusing to sign, but I think she's v stupid for doing so. Any denial of this king's will will no doubt be viewed as treason. She's digging her own grave. Yes, it looks like bad things will come from Mary's defiance. Norfolk's final words are ominous...

OK I just looked back at what I've wrote and realised I have to stop commenting in depth now before this comment becomes far too long. :)

I think this is a good book. You do a wonderful job of bringing history to life and making it interesting. Your writing almost crackles with intrigue. I also think showing Henry's depradations from the sidelines and keeping him offscene is an effective technique. It builds tension, little by little.

I've rated this v highly, and will be putting it on my shelf.

I hope you find a publisher/agent soon. Best of luck,

Pete x

Hi Nikki

This is very good, giving Phillipa Gregory a run for her money here! I've read up to chapter 2, noted a couple of typos that could be sorted out with a good proof read, but otherwise very good.

Starred and will shelve soon

Silvachilla

Great to see another history story, Nikki, and a Tudor history story as well. One of my favourite periods in history (along with Victorian) and I have read it with great pleasure. Beautifully written, though quite a few typos, but otherwise, a great read. Backed with pleasure, stars and on my watch list.

KATE GRIMES-LIZZIE( a victorian waif) Cuppa Tales - TALES OF WLLOW GREEN.

Hi Nikki. I just read the first chapter. I'm not a history buff, but I think you did a very credible job here. Choosing the first person was an excellent decision to convey your story. I write in the first person myself and also find it to be more powerful.

I have one suggestion you may or not want to consider. I would try to write more in the active instead of passive voice and, in any event, do away with the use of the word "had" as much as possible. In most cases it adds nothing to the sentence but to complicate it and slow it down.

In any event, well done for a start. Good luck with your book.

If you'd like to take a look at a chapter or two of my book, A PLACE IN LIFE, I'd certainly appreciate it.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Interesting point of view - from Mary's eyes. I liked the sound of her voice in my mind. But I'm afraid there were quite a lot of names and mentions of events that, even though I know about this period of history, confused me. You need to check for repetitions as well. Apart from that though it was an engaging first chapter.

Having long ago been exhausted by the number of books about the Tudors (feeling "Tudored" to death) and many of them not that engaging I didn't have great expectations. I'm happy to say that I was wrong and I found your first two chapters very well written. You created the setting well and set up great expectations and tension. The dialogue is crisp and true and not a word out of place. Well done.

Hi Nikki
I really enjoyed reading this, it is authentic and well written. I'll comment more later when I have more time, but in the meantime backed and starred.
Vall (Midwyf)

This is really well done. Mary's POV works and isn't slanted too much in either fdirection. You got the royal aroogance just right. The complexity of Henry VIII and the wives and the power struggles were made clear to me with the way you told the story. I did enjoy The Lady MAry and I thnk you for writing it.

Nikki,
Amazing job with first person. I felt well and truly settled into the scenes. I am putting this on my WL with the intent of placing it on my shelf when I can. Six stars.
Regards,
John Campbell . . . Walk to Paradise Garden

Certainly I don't pretend to be an expert in English of the 1500s, but for me, the language of this started off a bit bumpy, in that there was wording that I wasn't sure would be used then. Examples: "run over the paper," "almost wish," "so reluctant." These are all from the first paragraph; as I said, I thought it started off with some anachronistic language but then got into the 1500 groove a bit more as it went on. I also think you have to be careful of over-stating something, or repeating it. "They bring me this news. This news that has..." "I will never blame my father for his actions." then later..."I know my father would never intentionally..." In the first example, maybe you're going for a certain, stuttering rhythm, to show her agitation, but I still think that this could be tightened up. In the second example, this whole paragraph states a single thought (that she doesn't blame her father and thinks him under some enchantment), yet you sort of state and restate it in different ways, not really adding anything. I hope this makes sense. In general, this needs a good edit, taking out over-wording and some of the interior narration, like "I want to cry out at this..." Instead of stating a character's emotion, try to find some active way to show it. Sure, this is first person but still, we as readers like to figure out some things and not be told all the time how a character is feeling. We can tell by her other thoughts, anyway.

May sound harsh but really, I think you have the beginning of a good story here. I could not begin to advise you on the 1500 language issue I raised, as I've never done historical fiction. But for the rest, read and re-read, cut, cut, cut! A great start.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

As a period piece your novel captures well the essence of the historical timeframe. Your story is beautifully written and well paced. I especially like your choice to use the first person narrative voice as this allows you to fully explore and convey Mary's thoughts and emmotions. Your book is a pleasure to read.

Andrew

I read and backed this quite some time ago. I love historical fiction and enjoyed sampling your version of Mary. Best wishes with this.

Quite a few typos, but an interesting read. Backed.

Cat
"Twisted"
"Lies & Love"

Who said history is boring? Ridiculous, when it's told in herstory as in The Lady Mary - the King's Daughter by Nikki Long in great juicy and spicy detail that has the reader yearning for the Marys and Katharines and kings and queens of glorious Engelond.

Best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Having read the first two chapters I really want to read on and will as soon as time allows. I love historical books and particularly Tudor times. I like the fact that for once someone is giving Mary's point of view. She has had a bad, though not unjustified, press over the years and you present the facts as she must have seen them. I am impressed and am happy to back the book.

I have now finished all that you have posted and have really enjoyed the read. I am sure you must be aware that there are numerous small typo errors - odd missing words or incorrect words, were instead of where, etc. There is nothing that a good edit will not put right. Thiis book deserves publication and once a full edit is accomplished I am sure it will be well on its way to achieving it.

Hello Nikki,

As an author of historical fiction myself I can fully appreciate the difficulties involved in trying to maneuver real people around a historical background, all the while making a fast and entertaining story for your readers which is based in as much truth as we are able to ascertain. That said, I think the pace and flow of your story is well thought out - I never lost interest even though I know well the story of Bloody Mary.

I did spot a few typos and repeated words, but they are quite easily fixed on editing. The only thing in your story which gave me actual pause was the game of Mad Queen's Chess being played in the opening of chapter two. The first thing which struck me was king taking queen. It is a very unlikely move since the queen is most powerful. Only inexperienced chess players would move a queen that close to a king unprotected and if Mary played as well as a courtier, I cannot see her leaving a queen in that spot. The other was the bishop. They move forward instead of diagonal.

The reason I mention this is because I can see you have obviously taking great pains to be accurate in every other aspect of your story. But often the accuracy of the setting is just as important as are the names/dates/places etc. It is within that accurate setting people find themselves lost in your world, believing everything about your story.

I hope this is some help to you. You book is most definitely on my shelf!
David
"Imperial Mothers"

David thank you very much for your comment please allow me to explain the chess scene.
Whilst Mary was undoubtedly clever she was by no means as intelligent as Elizabeth who did excell at chess! Elizabeth thought with her head Mary was inclined to think with her heart!
The scenes with Lady Hussey were attempt at Marys servants trying to keep her life as normal but cannot distract Marys mind who is preoccupied with the current events to such an extent that she is playing badly!
Please tell me if you think this works!
Nikki

Hello Nikki,

As an author of historical fiction myself I can fully appreciate the difficulties involved in trying to maneuver real people around a historical background, all the while making a fast and entertaining story for your readers which is based in as much truth as we are able to ascertain. That said, I think the pace and flow of your story is well thought out - I never lost interest even though I know well the story of Bloody Mary.

I did spot a few typos and repeated words, but they are quite easily fixed on editing. The only thing in your story which gave me actual pause was the game of Mad Queen's Chess being played in the opening of chapter two. The first thing which struck me was king taking queen. It is a very unlikely move since the queen is most powerful. Only inexperienced chess players would move a queen that close to a king unprotected and if Mary played as well as a courtier, I cannot see her leaving a queen in that spot. The other was the bishop. They move diagonal instead of forward.

The reason I mention this is because I can see you have obviously taking great pains to be accurate in every other aspect of your story. But often the accuracy of the setting is just as important as are the names/dates/places etc. It is within that accurate setting people find themselves lost in your world, believing everything about your story.

I hope this is some help to you. You book is most definitely on my shelf!
David
"Imperial Mothers"

When this piece popped up on my home page it piqued my interest, mainly because one of my cousins who has been working on our tree has linked us to Mary Tudor.

I write first person as well, so I know how tricky that POV can be and can honestly say you do it better than many I have seen make the attempt.

You do want to be careful of repetitions. Though you word them differently, often you are giving us the same information more than once and this can put off a reader.

Also, you might want to take a look at the structure of the first chapter. You start us in the present with her receiving a letter and then go into details of the past that abrupt the flow of your story. Pull us in and keep us close. Perhaps you could give us some of the detail in the start, in a fashion to tell us who she is and where she's come from before heading into the letter. I'd get into more...but work break is over....

Good luck with this piece.

I have read the first two chapters and like this very much. I will read on and comment further when I have read all that you have posted. Best of luck and good wishes. If it continues as it has begun, I will back it as and when I finish reading.
Rosemary

An eloquent historical with well rounded, complex characters. Wonderful imagery. Effective dialogue that evokes the era. Fabulous narrative. Brilliant writing. A pleasure to read. Backed.

Tere were a few spots that need a little more clarity, but I'm sure you will catch that when you are polishing this up. It was still easy to follow the story, which is written in a most endearing voice. I love the juxtaposition at the beginning. She is reading the letter in horror, but the letter opens with another character's joy. Then we find out the reason for her reaction jarring so much with her father's. Your first chapter is well paced without sacrificing emotion or character. A beautiful example of historical fiction and some lovely descriptions throughout (simple, but effective!), from the seal on the envelope to the way the letter crackles and burns in the fire.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Nikki,

Great job with this! You've got a lot of reverence for your subject, and your attention to detail gives Mary's POV an air of authenticity that's never in danger of being stale or dull. On the contrary, this flew!

Nice work! Backed you on Saturday. Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Nikki. I have read a couple of chapters and the prose / description and the characterisation are fine. However, one word of warning, that was given to myself a year ago by a publisher .... when writing about specific dates in history or events in a particular place, make sure you educate the reader early on as to the significance of these points. Not all readers are local / English / or historians! Otherwise I enjoyed it; and backed it!
Would you cast an eye over my childrens' book ; Paperbat Adventures please and comment or back? Thanks.
Jerry -paperbat

Just one observation:-

'My slender fingers tremble . . .' It's probably not a good idea to insert physiological attributes when writing in the first person, as this is generally not how people talk of themselves, unless they wish to show off.

Laith

I have such respect for the brave authors who write such wonderful historical tales. Such a lot of research is required. I think you have done a wonderful job with your book, and back you with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

I have such respect for the brave authors who write such wonderful historical tales. Such a lot of research is required. I think you have done a wonderful job with your book, and back you with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Engaging beginning. I love historical fiction, and this promises to be a good read! There are a couple of run on sentences in this chapter, and some minor punctuation errors. I find the firs-person narrative compelling--such a tragic situation--! Was there ever a queen more to be pitied then Katherine or Aragon? And Mary--how could she have become anything other than what she did. I'd love to read this sitting on my couch with a cup of tea. Best of luck with it. Backed!

D. George
Finding Little Big Foot

Ah, yes, so much potential in this. What I'd suggest is lose that letter, keep us in the moment and move forward in the story without reflection. Although I have a great interest in a certain period of history, I know little of this time, but I feel you are wasting your talent, telling what we might already know, and not really showing us anything of the characher. I feel you need to show us her moving through the building she lives, show us who she comes by, and let out all this narrative (Which by the way is well written) via dialogue and actions.

One example of what I mean is in the line 'my slender fingers' - this isn't probably a thing a woman of her time would have thought - yes, great description, but not the best from a first point pov charachter. We need to see what she sees and hears and her react to that.

You also ended with her resolve dieing...Me thinks, it should end with her resolve FLARING.

Good luck with it.

Ah, yes, so much potential in this. What I'd suggest is lose that letter, keep us in the moment and move forward in the story without reflection. Although I have a great interest in a certain period of history, I know little of this time, but I feel you are wasting your talent, telling what we might already know, and not really showing us anything of the characher. I feel you need to show us her moving through the building she lives, show us who she comes by, and let out all this narrative (Which by the way is well written) via dialogue and actions.

One example of what I mean is in the line 'my slender fingers' - this isn't probably a thing a woman of her time would have thought - yes, great description, but not the best from a first point pov charachter. We need to see what she sees and hears and her react to that.

You also ended with her resolve dieing...Me thinks, it should end with her resolve FLARING.

Good luck with it.

I can see you have done your homework. This makes it an enjoyable read and engrossing. Dare I give one thought ..... as books are for international audiences now, double check that the english history is explained in context at the start maybe. On my watch list / backed. All the best.

Jerry [paperbats] If you have any thoughts on my childrens' book, I am always interested.

I like this. The Tudor period is my favourite historical time and I have read a good few books on the subject. Not many are done from Mary's perspective, that I have seen, anyway, and she is often painted in a very one-track way. You convey what must have been dreadful feelings, and bring her alive as a real person. I am watchlisting it to read on, and will back you gladly when shelf space comes up. (I like to let books ripen for a bit on my shelf)
Polly.
STONES.

Very interesting speculation on historical events, and compelling depiction of the experiences of the young Mary

Lynne Ellison

The Greeen Bronze Mirror