Teenwars

good mixture of dialogue and narrative, brings your brilliant yarn to life...easy to read and a delight...
l will back...
read SEASONS...,

No one likes a story with a preachy sound. You're tag line though is exactly that; a promise to be preachy. I don't know if the story is or not, but I don't feel any desire to find out.

It was a strong reaction, and I thought it might be of interest to you. Not because I want to be mean, but it was real, and so since this is a writing forum, I thought it worthwhile to let you know.

Ron,
I liked the concept of your book. What the kids are doing these days isn't write and your book reflects it. Good luck and continue your fine writing. Check out my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. Your backing will be appreciated.

Dwain-Thomas

Ch 1
I like what I've read in some ways because of what is not in it -- it is not some right on, inner-city, message laden piece of gloom. I like the squealch of the wet ground at the start of the wood journey. It reminds me of my own youth. And there is no swearing in it. It is innocent in some ways, an idealised view. I don't mind this, but I am not some 'cool' Lunnon publisher who is looking for some edgy bit of grit. I wld be happy for my teens to read your story. But I suspect they may already have seen too much on TV. I hope, pray that there is room for your story and that the world has not become so supposedly sophisticated and cool that childhood innocence is drowned out. May I put it this way, your story feels like a red squirrel to me in a world where the vicious greys are bullying out our indigenous kin. Just as there is bullying among kids I suspect there is a form of cultural bullying afoot, too. I also feel that our kids have been spoiled in some ways by the way we are. I wonder, worry, if they have the same imagination of less 'lucky' times. And I wonder if they now know too much.
Ron Askew
WATCHING SWIFTS

Ch 1
You capture aspects of my miserable existance in your first paragraph. I imagine I am a poet and that words will do my bidding. I construct strained vilanelles and sonnets and image that they are viable vehicles of meaning. Does this mean I am still a child or just another deluded adult?

I like the enclosed imaginary world you conjour up. I hope kids are still capable of such self-created places and are not entirely reliant on the latest electronic device to take them out of themselves.

Ch 1
You capture aspects of my miserable existance in your first paragraph. I imagine I am a poet and that words will do my bidding. I construct strained vilanelles and sonnets and image that they are viable vehicles of meaning. Does this mean I am still a child or just another deluded adult?

I like the enclosed imaginary world you conjour up. I hope kids are still capable of such self-created places and are not entirely reliant on the latest electronic device to take them out of themselves.

Great story and inventive plot! This may just be a personal preference, but it's off-putting to have the kids be always called children, especially if they are high-school aged. Also, when is this set? Having Aaron ask about film in this digital age is unsettling, because there aren't any clues earlier on that this isn't set in the present. Other than that, I really like Kruger and his "Telescopic arms." I think this book has a lot of promise, it sounds like something my little brother would devour.

This looks like being an exciting tale for youngsters. I love the green man at the start, watching the youngsters.

A couple of nits:

How did the green man know the name of the woods when he couldn't use the interpreter?
He was getting hungry = tell. What about: His stomach growled.
'He needed to land the spaceship'. Is this neccessary?
'Freshly watered trees'. How about: rain on leaves.
The tunnel under the stream would be flooded. What keeps the sides falling in?
'ignoring the occasional scratches they sustained'... I'd shorten because children wouldn't use this language. ...'ignoring occasional scratches'

Hope something I've suggested is of some use to you.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Science fiction is one of my favorites, and this is excellent, putting Teenwars on my shelf.

Best wishes,
Dana P.
FINDING XANADU and THE JOURNEY HOME

Hi Ron:

Is it no wonder that I was drawn to TEENWARS? It's a great story, I think, for it's apparent realism. Good movement and dailogue. Strong imagination. Interesting and enjoyable. Freedom in expression with good diction. I sense an originality. BACKED WITH SIX STARS.

You might enjoy THE LITTLE BOY WHO WANTED TO BE KING and LIKE A SNOWBALL ROLLING DOWN HILL.

May your day be good.

Lorne

Paragraph 1 - no heat or scent? No displaced atmosphere?

Paragraph 3
- did his pale green fingers wonder?
- "got the contraption to work" implies he may have tried different things, yet the first paragraph implies that everything is automated to such a point that a kid can use it without training (Mac versus PC).

Have someone tech edit this piece. Logical inconsistencies.

This is something my son would have liked when he was younger. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

I enjoyed this and especially like the way you captured the 'feel' of the kids' conversation within the writing style of the narration.

Best of luck.

I love this! I love the idea that aliens 'eat the losers'. I've only read the first section but it's got the lot so far - aliens and fighting! Good luck with it. Ceeds

I can see this working for kids well, but I don't believe for a moment the 'gangs' described here are a thing of the past. But maybe I'm out of date... as far as I know, kids of that age are still forming 'gangs'. No knives needed.

Hi Adrian,

Thank you for your encouraging comments and for backing 'Teenwars. The story is set in the late 70's early 80's, when digital camaras were only just making their appearance.

At present I have a very long 'to be done' list but I will look at your book as soon as I get the chance.

Ron

This is a fun story that will keep the childs attention the whole time. I was a little surprised to see the comment about 'a film' for cameras since I didn't think any kids these days even knew about the 'old technology'. Apart from that minor comment, this is a splendid book and I am very happy to back it.

Adrian
Jack in Boots

I laughed at - nor did they eat the losers, nice touch. This is an excellent story for children and I’m sure my children would have loved it. The dialogue is fun and realistic. I will back it with great pleasure.

Tony

Life Bringer

This is an enthralling science fiction story with interesting and well fleshed out characters. Your storyline is magical as well as thought provoking. Apt descriptions. Fresh, age appropriate dialogue. Compelling narrative. A delight to read. Backed.

Very well written. Nice mix of dialogue and narrative with an intriguing plot. I expect you to do well this. Shelved!

Leigh
If you have time, please consider reading "Lies That Bind" and backing if appropriate. Thanks!

I wish you the best with this. Excellent, great theme, good dialog! Backed.

I like the anti-bullying theme - grade teachers will like it as well. Also think the plot/story is original. Bookshelved to read more.
If you have time or willing children, may be enjoy my book. [social message of family and also looking after parks]
Jerry [paperbats]

Ron,

Wow, your fine desciptive writing style and image making potential has placed this tale into a perfect craft of masterly written piece of work, which will definitely appeal to children everywhere in the world. Very fantastic work. I suggest you work a little bit on the pitch, it will do justice to this good thing. I wish you the best of luck.

I warm to Kruger immensely, with his bafflement at the victor not enslaving or eating the vanquished as any civilised species would. Outside in Nothingness Wood, there's a Devil's Ditch and a Satan's Bridge, and still Aaron and his gang play there! So do the bullying Cutlers. Nice hook to the nose, Aaron. Trouble is that Barry won't let it rest, and a barricade isn't going to be that much use. Forget the barricade ... there's a monster. What do you expect in a place called the Unholy Arena?

Bob is having trouble keeping Aaron out of scrapes, at least that's how it looks to him. He disapproves of gangs, which given Aaron is a gang leader ... Hm. Carol makes a good second-in-command, 'How are you going to hack it with a kid-eating monster?' She has her off-moments though, 'if Stinker's been eaten there's no point in looking for him'. Aaron decides to make a pact and finds himself between a rock and a hard place. Barry is a screwed up mess of a kid, but he has one thing going for him ... he cares about Beverley.

Bullying loses it's appeal when there's an even bigger bully around ... and they don't get much bigger than Kruger. United against a single enemy, Aaron and Barry might make a truce ... maybe even something stronger at some point in the future. Meanwhile, it's a matter of winning trust and co-operation, given that only kids will believe in the monster unless there's firm evidence. The writing is perfectly paced, Ron, and couched in terms that a young readership will follow with ease. It's also polished to a high shine (I only saw one possible nit: 'They're really going to batter us now, aren't they', needs a ?). As to the story, it's funny, thought-provoking and a real page-turner ... kids will love it ... backed.

Though not my genre, someone asked me to read it and I’m glad.
The opener’s clear and tells the reader what he’s holding in hand. When the story starts you do a great job at juggling narration and dialogue, showing and telling…I like it.
The pace is fast enough to hold the reader’s attention. You’ve done on hell of a job and I’m backing it.
Dan
Maybe you could look at TO KILL A DEAD MAN and back it as well.

Dear Ron
What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

Perfect for the YA audience. Many years of teaching English tells me that this would be a hit. BACKED

Smooth, impressive writing...

your is short and to the point, making us want to read on. the story itself is interesting and would make a great movie. l hope this does well; l shall help- watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

this complicated subject has said with ease and clearity, I like it very much. backed

shah

You are like totally fantastic, Ron Parker! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Hi Ron, Teenwars is great. I think children will love it. The opening with hungry Kruger in his invisible spaceship is wonderful. Then the kids playing sticks and planning to build a den. The Cutlers catch Jason. Aaran's fight with bully Barry is also well told and Barry's final threat is superb...a really good hook into the next chapter.
One nit: in paragraph 2, you write --' Kruger watched the strange animals he had been sent to investigate', and in paragraph 4 you write, '...he watched the strange behaviour of the creatures he had come to study'.
I hope this is helpful.
Backed with pleasure,
barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Dear Ron,
I started reading this a long time ago it seems and I returned to it. I feel sure I backed it and commented however I dont know whether it showed so I am BACKING IT FOR SURE. BEST of luck with this read.
I would love you to review my book, different genre but like me cross over and comment on the craft or skill . and please comment and if you feel back my work.
again thank you for a good read best of luck
Denise
The Letter

Dear Ron, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Great a good story about bullying. I have tried to bring this subject up in my story in a more simplistic way for young children. The short paras bring a good pace to your narrative and the addition of Kruger adds an extra dimension to the story. Backed, Regards, Anne

nicely written. happy to back!
Thanks
Christopher Heltai
Crossing The Line

Nicely written and great message. Your imagery is vivid and the opening really hooks. BACKED!

Please check out DARKLANDS, if you have a moment.

Cheers!

Donna

Your highly descriptive writing style coupled with your vivid imagination ensures that your finely crafted story will appeal to children everywhere. Your use of short paragraphs keeps your story flowing well. Your work is well written and your use of imagery is excellent. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Came to read because your book was recommended by a friend and I shall now go and thank that friend!!! Phenomenal!!!

Hey,
Back for chapter two. I wouldn't have said, "Aaron's team..." at the start. I would just say Aaron led his friends...or something like that...and I'd take out the use of "children" - since you are writing to them, just say they all looked...I wanted Jason to say when they told him not to come, I have to come, I can't let you guys at this alone. No matter how much younger or scared, I want him to be a part of it. I like him already. Don't let them get the idea that Barry can help them now. He is still the archenemy, he wouldn't have felt the desparation at this point to try to join forces after the first encounter. Let that come later, when he sees he has no choice...like he is backed against a wall and all he can do is reach out to the bully. I could see Carol saying at this point, wonder if Beverly is out there, or the girls or even the Cutler boys? Or saying somethng like, I wonder if we should warn them? with the rest of them saying, let the monster eat them for all we care...they'd probably spit Barry out... I'm sure that today no kid will even understand the film reference. I wanted him to try to take a picture with his cellphone, that is what every kid does these days. I do think you use the word bully too much, maybe call him other jerky names in there to mix it up...I did like how you ended the chapter with the dad's POV, and Carol's last line was perfect. I'm coming back for more! Sincerely, Solo

Hey,
Back for chapter two. I wouldn't have said, "Aaron's team..." at the start. I would just say Aaron led his friends...or something like that...and I'd take out the use of "children" - since you are writing to them, just say they all looked...I wanted Jason to say when they told him not to come, I have to come, I can't let you guys at this alone. No matter how much younger or scared, I want him to be a part of it. I like him already. Don't let them get the idea that Barry can help them now. He is still the archenemy, he wouldn't have felt the desparation at this point to try to join forces after the first encounter. Let that come later, when he sees he has no choice...like he is backed against a wall and all he can do is reach out to the bully. I could see Carol saying at this point, wonder if Beverly is out there, or the girls or even the Cutler boys? Or saying somethng like, I wonder if we should warn them? with the rest of them saying, let the monster eat them for all we care...they'd probably spit Barry out... I'm sure that today no kid will even understand the film reference. I wanted him to try to take a picture with his cellphone, that is what every kid does these days. I do think you use the word bully too much, maybe call him other jerky names in there to mix it up...I did like how you ended the chapter with the dad's POV, and Carol's last line was perfect. I'm coming back for more! Sincerely, Solo

I LOVED chapter one. I can't stand bullies (what my book starts with, too...) and I see the gangs so clearly in my head. Not really a gang, but just a group of friends trying to have fun, take care of each other. I thought of the Sand Lot and Goonies right away...and even though Aaron was not in the fair fight, a good punch in the nose was all it would take. Usually when bullies get it, they cry! Wonderful! I love your descriptions of Jason, and Stinker, and how you each gave them a distinct voice. I'm going on to chapter two now, just had to stop and comment before I forgot to say what I needed to say once I get involved. Sincerely, Solo

This is really entertaining. Very imaginative. One thing that caught my attention is that it seems to be told from an adults perspective. Phrases like "the children" might be a bit off-putting to early teens that seems to be your target audience. Other than that minor offfense, I think you have a really good story here.

tyler (Almost Straight)

I think it's original and timely, not to mention brilliant to combine sci-fi with such an important message.

Fantastic work. This is children's literature at its best, gripping and engaging. You don't lose the target reader with long words, but nor do you exclude other older readers with its simplicity. I particularly like the underlying and valuable message.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Well written and brings back a lot of (painful) memories. Gladly backed.

Great job, a good idea written very well, Good Luck. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles

Hello Ron. This is such a great read. The fight between the leaders was well told and reminded me of when I was younger, when my brothers would say 'Don't tell!' Lovely character building. It made me laugh picturing Kruger trying to get through the trees. The fact he is hostile and immediately wants to eat them is good. You leave the reader almost shouting at the others to believe he exists and can't wait for their reaction when they do.
That makes for a very well told story. Very best of luck with it! mariecapri

This reads very well and immediately conjures up images of childhood and the feelings kids have. The central premise is an interesting one and I am sure your target audience will relate very well to it. I usually advise people of this genre to check out the Harper Collins review of John Booth's Shaddowdon book, where they set out exactly what they look for. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Teenwars

This is a very imaginative story with a fantastic underlying theme. I think your characterisation is perfect for the audience. I think the structure of the story with the changing perspective and fractionation with the spaceship is very good, builds the storyline. Great concept and a story very well told. – Good luck