Book Jacket

 

rank 891
word count 44220
date submitted 07.09.2008
date updated 05.02.2012
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Children'...
classification: universal
complete

Teenwars

Ron Parker

A sci-fi story for kids, with an anti-bullying theme

 

Aaron Ballantyne and Barry Cutler are the leaders of two rival kids' gangs, not the modern knife wielding variety, but the kind that youngsters used to naturally form themselves into.

They put aside their differences when confronted by a common enemy - not of this world.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

, alien, children, kids, krugor, ron parker, teenwars

on 14 watchlists

135 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

1

report abuse

Chapter One

 

Kruger was alone in a spaceship that was so advanced it needed no crew. He simply had to tell the spacecraft what to do or where to take him and, somehow, it obeyed. The ship’s greatest trick was the ability to make itself and its contents invisible. Already completely silent, it was able to land on planets unseen and unheard, therefore, the animals which inhabited the planet were not afraid. A useful feature. 

The spacecraft raced towards its destination. Inside, on his monitor, Kruger watched the antics of the strange animals that lived on the planet he had been sent to investigate. A planet he now knew was called Earth.

His long, pale-green fingers toyed with a gadget, and he wondered why his masters insisted he brought it on the trip. The translator had been developed by his people and was supposed to interpret the language of any creature. Kruger had tried it on numerous animals on many different planets but had never got the contraption to work.

He was getting hungry. The food store, fully stocked when he had left his planet was now empty. He needed to land and eat soon. Looking at the monitor once again, he watched the strange behaviour of the creatures he had come to study. They were not unlike himself in shape, but they were much smaller and instead of the normal translucent green, they had a pink, almost white skin colour - apart from one who seemed to be a much darker tone.

It wasn’t so much their appearance that intrigued Kruger as their behaviour. He had seen some of them fighting, which told him the planet was considerably behind his own, and most others, in its development. Furthermore, there seemed no point to the fights. The victor did not appear to keep his conquest for slavery, nor did they eat the losers.

The thought of food reminded Kruger of his own hunger. He needed to land and eat - now. He put the useless translator away and prepared to land the spaceship.

* * *

Legends of witches and ogres in Nothingness Woods didn't stop children from playing there. While they tried to scare and tease each other, no one really seriously believed the large forest contained anything unnatural. Certainly, no witch had been seen within anyone's lifetime.

Thirteen-year-old Aaron Ballantyne had no fear of witchcraft as he led his small band of kids into the woods - their playground.

It was a warm summer’s day, though there had been a considerable amount of rain recently, making their feet squish and stick in the boggy ground. The refreshing smell of newly watered trees drifted on the light breeze towards the children. School had finished until the autumn and the youngsters were happy to be free and have fun.

Devil's Ditch, the stream that ran through the woods, was now like a fast-flowing river and instead of its usual bubbling, made more of a whooshing noise. Rather than risk jumping the stream as they normally did, Aaron led his troop over the rickety wooden bridge, which itself wasn't that safe, but better than being swept away by the current.

Carol, Aaron’s sister, wanted to use the tunnel that went under the stream instead, but Aaron insisted they used the bridge.

“It would take ages,” he argued. “You know we can only get in the tunnel one at a time. Besides, Darren wouldn’t get in.”

“I’ve been in before,” the plump boy protested.

“Yeah, but only at the other end. It’s wider there. I doubt any of us could get in or out at this end, let alone you. You might get stuck, then you’ll panic and set off one of your asthma attacks.

Darren conceded. It was true the tunnel they sometimes used as a den was much narrower as you went into it. It wasn’t actually a tunnel at all, but a kind of escape route dug out by some animal long ago. The children had gradually widened the entrance so they could crawl into it, but hadn’t managed to make it into a real tunnel.

They stopped on Satan’s Bridge for a while, to watch the rush of water below and threw sticks into it to see how fast they would travel. Once bored with this activity, they continued their walk through the thick woodland. The trees were in full leaf; this made their path seem dark even though it was early afternoon. At times, they had to push their way through dense bushes, ignoring the occasional scratches they sustained. This was particularly uncomfortable for Jason, the youngest member of the gang, as he was dressed in a pair of khaki shorts.

When they reached what they thought of as their own special clearing, Aaron turned to the others.

No one knew why this clearing was called Eagle’s Nest,  as there were no eagles around for miles, but generations of children had called it that and no one ever thought to change it.

“What do you want to do?” Aaron asked.

“Let’s build a new den.” This came from Paul, otherwise known to the gang as Stinker. Not because he actually smelled, but because the others rarely saw him when he was clean.

“No. We’ll get mucky,” Carol protested. Her auburn hair was tied back in a ponytail, which now swayed in the gentle wind.

“So?”

“Just ‘cause you like gettin’ dirty, doesn’t mean we all do, Stinker.” The support for Carol came from Darren.

“You’re outvoted, Stinker,” Aaron added.

“Let’s play hide and seek?” This suggestion came from Jason. The small ten-year-old, fair-haired boy had a pleading look in his pale blue eyes, hoping to get back up for his idea. Nods from his friends gave him satisfaction.

“Okay,” agreed Aaron, “but you’re it ‘cause it was your suggestion.”

“All right,” the younger boy agreed.

“Count to one hundred while we hide.”

Jason obeyed, and as he started to count the others went off to find their hiding places.

Even before they had all left the clearing Darren yelled, “Run! It’s the Cutlers.”

No one needed to be told twice. All of them had previously suffered beatings at the hands of the Cutler gang.

Fear gave the children extra speed as they fled.

They could hear the chanting of the rival gang’s battle cry behind them ‘fight or flight’. Flight was always the sensible option, though it didn’t usually save them from a thrashing.

Eventually, hoping their pursuers had given up the chase, Aaron, Carol and Paul stopped when they reached another open space. A few seconds later, wheezing and puffing, Darren joined them.

He collapsed to the ground and used his inhaler.

“They- they've caught Jason,” he managed to pant out between gasps.

Aaron’s face paled. “We’ll have to go back for him.”

“You’re joking! They’ll kill us,” Stinker protested.

“We can’t just leave him.”

“No, we can’t,” Carol said, agreeing with her brother. “If they beat us up, so what? We have to get Jason back. If you’re scared, Stinker, you stay here while the rest of us go.”

“I’m not scared,” he protested.

“I think you should stay here, though, Carol,” said Aaron.

“Why? Just because I’m a girl? I’m not scared either!”

“I’m not saying you are, but Dad’ll kill me if anything happens to you, and Barry Cutler’s gang have hit girls before.”

“I’m coming, and you’re not stopping me. I like Jason.”

Aaron knew it was no use arguing with his sister when her mind was made up. “Okay, let’s go before they hurt him.”

Apart from Darren, the others went back the way they had come. Soon afterwards, Darren realised he was now on his own and sprang to his feet, fully recovered, and went to catch up with his friends.

Finding the enemy wasn’t a problem. They just had to follow the noise the Cutlers were making.

This led them to the Cutler’s own clearing, which they called Devil's Lea. There they found Barry Cutler, Aaron’s archenemy, looking down at Jason who was pinned face down to the ground by two other boys. Aaron recognised these boys as Peter Green and Jordan Daley, two local bullies and ardent members of Barry’s gang. Jason was crying.

Alongside Barry stood two girls, one black and one white. The white girl, who was egging on the bullies, was a blonde of about thirteen. The black girl, who stood quietly peering through thick-lensed spectacles, was about a year younger.

“Leave him alone,” Aaron shouted. "Can’t you see he’s scared? “

Barry glared at Aaron, amazed the kid had the nerve to enter his realm, let alone challenge him.

“What you goin’ to do if we don’t, then?”

“Please, let him go. He’s only little.”

“Tell you what. We’ll leave him alone if you have a fight with me. Just you and me in a fair fight.”

Aaron stared at the other boy who was a year older; almost a head taller and much thicker set than him and wondered how any fight between them could be fair. However, he knew he had to protect Jason.

“All right,” he said, with some reluctance. “But let him go first.”

Barry nodded at the two boys who held Jason. They pushed his face into the mud before releasing him, causing the already crying child to bawl even louder.

Aaron was about to protest, but Barry’s fist struck him on the cheek and sent him reeling backwards. He fell to the ground and Barry sprang on him. The two boys rolled over and over on the muddy ground, pummelling each other.

The older boy’s superior strength soon gave him the advantage and he had Aaron pinned, face up, to the ground by his wrists. At the same time, he manoeuvred his legs into a tight scissors grip round his victim’s waist and squeezed tightly.

“Please, you’re squashing me. I can’t breathe,” Aaron pleaded.

Barry’s response was to squeeze even tighter. For a few moments, he enjoyed watching the expression of pain on his enemy’s face then, becoming bored, he decided to hurt Aaron even more by yanking a handful of his thick, black hair.

“Ouch! That’s not fair,” the younger boy protested.

“I make the rules here. Anythin’s allowed.”

“Anything?”

“‘Cept for bitin’.”

With the rest of both gangs looking on, Aaron was desperate to avoid crying, but he now felt the tears well up in his eyes as Barry continued to tug his hair while keeping the pressure tight round his waist.

Aaron’s wrists had been numbed from the weight of Barry pressing them to the ground, but in order to grab Aaron’s hair, the bigger boy had now been forced to release one of his wrists, and the feeling started to return. In desperation, Aaron used this free hand to lash out and strike Barry firmly on the nose.

Barry screamed, rolled off his victim and put his hand to his nose, now streaming with blood.

During the fight, Aaron’s friends had watched quietly, anticipating his defeat. The Cutler gang, on the other hand, had been giving their leader encouragement with shouts of advice ranging in degrees of violence from ‘smack him’ to ‘kill him’. Now, they fell silent in disbelief, as they watched the tears flood their captain’s face. 

Aaron leapt to his feet.

“Run!” he yelled to his friends. They did so, leaving the clearing before the members of the other gang could recover from the shock of seeing their leader defeated.

“I’m gonna beat you to a pulp for that - all of you!” Barry’s screamed threat rang in the children’s ears as they fled.

 

Chapters

1

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Su Dan wrote 59 days ago

good mixture of dialogue and narrative, brings your brilliant yarn to life...easy to read and a delight...
l will back...
read SEASONS...,

MichelleThuis wrote 166 days ago

No one likes a story with a preachy sound. You're tag line though is exactly that; a promise to be preachy. I don't know if the story is or not, but I don't feel any desire to find out.

It was a strong reaction, and I thought it might be of interest to you. Not because I want to be mean, but it was real, and so since this is a writing forum, I thought it worthwhile to let you know.

writingbear wrote 205 days ago

Ron,
I liked the concept of your book. What the kids are doing these days isn't write and your book reflects it. Good luck and continue your fine writing. Check out my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. Your backing will be appreciated.

Dwain-Thomas

Orlando Furioso wrote 313 days ago

Ch 1
I like what I've read in some ways because of what is not in it -- it is not some right on, inner-city, message laden piece of gloom. I like the squealch of the wet ground at the start of the wood journey. It reminds me of my own youth. And there is no swearing in it. It is innocent in some ways, an idealised view. I don't mind this, but I am not some 'cool' Lunnon publisher who is looking for some edgy bit of grit. I wld be happy for my teens to read your story. But I suspect they may already have seen too much on TV. I hope, pray that there is room for your story and that the world has not become so supposedly sophisticated and cool that childhood innocence is drowned out. May I put it this way, your story feels like a red squirrel to me in a world where the vicious greys are bullying out our indigenous kin. Just as there is bullying among kids I suspect there is a form of cultural bullying afoot, too. I also feel that our kids have been spoiled in some ways by the way we are. I wonder, worry, if they have the same imagination of less 'lucky' times. And I wonder if they now know too much.
Ron Askew
WATCHING SWIFTS

Orlando Furioso wrote 313 days ago

Ch 1
You capture aspects of my miserable existance in your first paragraph. I imagine I am a poet and that words will do my bidding. I construct strained vilanelles and sonnets and image that they are viable vehicles of meaning. Does this mean I am still a child or just another deluded adult?

I like the enclosed imaginary world you conjour up. I hope kids are still capable of such self-created places and are not entirely reliant on the latest electronic device to take them out of themselves.

Orlando Furioso wrote 313 days ago

Ch 1
You capture aspects of my miserable existance in your first paragraph. I imagine I am a poet and that words will do my bidding. I construct strained vilanelles and sonnets and image that they are viable vehicles of meaning. Does this mean I am still a child or just another deluded adult?

I like the enclosed imaginary world you conjour up. I hope kids are still capable of such self-created places and are not entirely reliant on the latest electronic device to take them out of themselves.

C.Angelina wrote 314 days ago

Great story and inventive plot! This may just be a personal preference, but it's off-putting to have the kids be always called children, especially if they are high-school aged. Also, when is this set? Having Aaron ask about film in this digital age is unsettling, because there aren't any clues earlier on that this isn't set in the present. Other than that, I really like Kruger and his "Telescopic arms." I think this book has a lot of promise, it sounds like something my little brother would devour.

Francene Stanley wrote 339 days ago

This looks like being an exciting tale for youngsters. I love the green man at the start, watching the youngsters.

A couple of nits:

How did the green man know the name of the woods when he couldn't use the interpreter?
He was getting hungry = tell. What about: His stomach growled.
'He needed to land the spaceship'. Is this neccessary?
'Freshly watered trees'. How about: rain on leaves.
The tunnel under the stream would be flooded. What keeps the sides falling in?
'ignoring the occasional scratches they sustained'... I'd shorten because children wouldn't use this language. ...'ignoring occasional scratches'

Hope something I've suggested is of some use to you.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

By-Dana wrote 341 days ago

Science fiction is one of my favorites, and this is excellent, putting Teenwars on my shelf.

Best wishes,
Dana P.
FINDING XANADU and THE JOURNEY HOME

Lorne F. Thompson wrote 365 days ago

Hi Ron:

Is it no wonder that I was drawn to TEENWARS? It's a great story, I think, for it's apparent realism. Good movement and dailogue. Strong imagination. Interesting and enjoyable. Freedom in expression with good diction. I sense an originality. BACKED WITH SIX STARS.

You might enjoy THE LITTLE BOY WHO WANTED TO BE KING and LIKE A SNOWBALL ROLLING DOWN HILL.

May your day be good.

Lorne

Shawn Hendricks wrote 384 days ago

Paragraph 1 - no heat or scent? No displaced atmosphere?

Paragraph 3
- did his pale green fingers wonder?
- "got the contraption to work" implies he may have tried different things, yet the first paragraph implies that everything is automated to such a point that a kid can use it without training (Mac versus PC).

Have someone tech edit this piece. Logical inconsistencies.

Cat091971 wrote 391 days ago

This is something my son would have liked when he was younger. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

hollychamp wrote 471 days ago

I enjoyed this and especially like the way you captured the 'feel' of the kids' conversation within the writing style of the narration.

Best of luck.

Ceeds wrote 482 days ago

I love this! I love the idea that aliens 'eat the losers'. I've only read the first section but it's got the lot so far - aliens and fighting! Good luck with it. Ceeds

Hellhound wrote 487 days ago

I can see this working for kids well, but I don't believe for a moment the 'gangs' described here are a thing of the past. But maybe I'm out of date... as far as I know, kids of that age are still forming 'gangs'. No knives needed.

RonParker wrote 490 days ago

Hi Adrian,

Thank you for your encouraging comments and for backing 'Teenwars. The story is set in the late 70's early 80's, when digital camaras were only just making their appearance.

At present I have a very long 'to be done' list but I will look at your book as soon as I get the chance.

Ron

Adrian.A.Moore wrote 490 days ago

This is a fun story that will keep the childs attention the whole time. I was a little surprised to see the comment about 'a film' for cameras since I didn't think any kids these days even knew about the 'old technology'. Apart from that minor comment, this is a splendid book and I am very happy to back it.

Adrian
Jack in Boots

Freeman wrote 490 days ago

I laughed at - nor did they eat the losers, nice touch. This is an excellent story for children and I’m sure my children would have loved it. The dialogue is fun and realistic. I will back it with great pleasure.

Tony

Life Bringer

CarolinaAl wrote 524 days ago

This is an enthralling science fiction story with interesting and well fleshed out characters. Your storyline is magical as well as thought provoking. Apt descriptions. Fresh, age appropriate dialogue. Compelling narrative. A delight to read. Backed.

Leigh Michaels wrote 527 days ago

Very well written. Nice mix of dialogue and narrative with an intriguing plot. I expect you to do well this. Shelved!

Leigh
If you have time, please consider reading "Lies That Bind" and backing if appropriate. Thanks!

SingingOwl wrote 534 days ago

I wish you the best with this. Excellent, great theme, good dialog! Backed.

paperbat wrote 539 days ago

I like the anti-bullying theme - grade teachers will like it as well. Also think the plot/story is original. Bookshelved to read more.
If you have time or willing children, may be enjoy my book. [social message of family and also looking after parks]
Jerry [paperbats]

Elijah Enyereibe Iwuji wrote 545 days ago

Ron,

Wow, your fine desciptive writing style and image making potential has placed this tale into a perfect craft of masterly written piece of work, which will definitely appeal to children everywhere in the world. Very fantastic work. I suggest you work a little bit on the pitch, it will do justice to this good thing. I wish you the best of luck.

Sly80 wrote 550 days ago

I warm to Kruger immensely, with his bafflement at the victor not enslaving or eating the vanquished as any civilised species would. Outside in Nothingness Wood, there's a Devil's Ditch and a Satan's Bridge, and still Aaron and his gang play there! So do the bullying Cutlers. Nice hook to the nose, Aaron. Trouble is that Barry won't let it rest, and a barricade isn't going to be that much use. Forget the barricade ... there's a monster. What do you expect in a place called the Unholy Arena?

Bob is having trouble keeping Aaron out of scrapes, at least that's how it looks to him. He disapproves of gangs, which given Aaron is a gang leader ... Hm. Carol makes a good second-in-command, 'How are you going to hack it with a kid-eating monster?' She has her off-moments though, 'if Stinker's been eaten there's no point in looking for him'. Aaron decides to make a pact and finds himself between a rock and a hard place. Barry is a screwed up mess of a kid, but he has one thing going for him ... he cares about Beverley.

Bullying loses it's appeal when there's an even bigger bully around ... and they don't get much bigger than Kruger. United against a single enemy, Aaron and Barry might make a truce ... maybe even something stronger at some point in the future. Meanwhile, it's a matter of winning trust and co-operation, given that only kids will believe in the monster unless there's firm evidence. The writing is perfectly paced, Ron, and couched in terms that a young readership will follow with ease. It's also polished to a high shine (I only saw one possible nit: 'They're really going to batter us now, aren't they', needs a ?). As to the story, it's funny, thought-provoking and a real page-turner ... kids will love it ... backed.

eurodan49 wrote 556 days ago

Though not my genre, someone asked me to read it and I’m glad.
The opener’s clear and tells the reader what he’s holding in hand. When the story starts you do a great job at juggling narration and dialogue, showing and telling…I like it.
The pace is fast enough to hold the reader’s attention. You’ve done on hell of a job and I’m backing it.
Dan
Maybe you could look at TO KILL A DEAD MAN and back it as well.

name falied moderation wrote 564 days ago

Dear Ron
What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

andrew skaife wrote 569 days ago

Perfect for the YA audience. Many years of teaching English tells me that this would be a hit. BACKED

Lulubanks wrote 573 days ago

Smooth, impressive writing...

Su Dan wrote 573 days ago

your is short and to the point, making us want to read on. the story itself is interesting and would make a great movie. l hope this does well; l shall help- watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

udasmaan wrote 581 days ago

this complicated subject has said with ease and clearity, I like it very much. backed

shah

SusieGulick wrote 582 days ago

You are like totally fantastic, Ron Parker! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Barry Wenlock wrote 583 days ago

Hi Ron, Teenwars is great. I think children will love it. The opening with hungry Kruger in his invisible spaceship is wonderful. Then the kids playing sticks and planning to build a den. The Cutlers catch Jason. Aaran's fight with bully Barry is also well told and Barry's final threat is superb...a really good hook into the next chapter.
One nit: in paragraph 2, you write --' Kruger watched the strange animals he had been sent to investigate', and in paragraph 4 you write, '...he watched the strange behaviour of the creatures he had come to study'.
I hope this is helpful.
Backed with pleasure,
barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

name falied moderation wrote 584 days ago

Dear Ron,
I started reading this a long time ago it seems and I returned to it. I feel sure I backed it and commented however I dont know whether it showed so I am BACKING IT FOR SURE. BEST of luck with this read.
I would love you to review my book, different genre but like me cross over and comment on the craft or skill . and please comment and if you feel back my work.
again thank you for a good read best of luck
Denise
The Letter

SusieGulick wrote 584 days ago

Dear Ron, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already backed your book, I will put your book on my watchlist. Could you please take a moment to back my completed unedited memoir version, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
Here is the response I received from authonomy concerning backing:
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved."

Jedda wrote 599 days ago

Great a good story about bullying. I have tried to bring this subject up in my story in a more simplistic way for young children. The short paras bring a good pace to your narrative and the addition of Kruger adds an extra dimension to the story. Backed, Regards, Anne

Zangler wrote 609 days ago

nicely written. happy to back!
Thanks
Christopher Heltai
Crossing The Line

donnaburgess wrote 620 days ago

Nicely written and great message. Your imagery is vivid and the opening really hooks. BACKED!

Please check out DARKLANDS, if you have a moment.

Cheers!

Donna

Andrew Burans wrote 624 days ago

Your highly descriptive writing style coupled with your vivid imagination ensures that your finely crafted story will appeal to children everywhere. Your use of short paragraphs keeps your story flowing well. Your work is well written and your use of imagery is excellent. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Spellbound wrote 626 days ago

Came to read because your book was recommended by a friend and I shall now go and thank that friend!!! Phenomenal!!!

solo1 wrote 627 days ago

Hey,
Back for chapter two. I wouldn't have said, "Aaron's team..." at the start. I would just say Aaron led his friends...or something like that...and I'd take out the use of "children" - since you are writing to them, just say they all looked...I wanted Jason to say when they told him not to come, I have to come, I can't let you guys at this alone. No matter how much younger or scared, I want him to be a part of it. I like him already. Don't let them get the idea that Barry can help them now. He is still the archenemy, he wouldn't have felt the desparation at this point to try to join forces after the first encounter. Let that come later, when he sees he has no choice...like he is backed against a wall and all he can do is reach out to the bully. I could see Carol saying at this point, wonder if Beverly is out there, or the girls or even the Cutler boys? Or saying somethng like, I wonder if we should warn them? with the rest of them saying, let the monster eat them for all we care...they'd probably spit Barry out... I'm sure that today no kid will even understand the film reference. I wanted him to try to take a picture with his cellphone, that is what every kid does these days. I do think you use the word bully too much, maybe call him other jerky names in there to mix it up...I did like how you ended the chapter with the dad's POV, and Carol's last line was perfect. I'm coming back for more! Sincerely, Solo

solo1 wrote 627 days ago

Hey,
Back for chapter two. I wouldn't have said, "Aaron's team..." at the start. I would just say Aaron led his friends...or something like that...and I'd take out the use of "children" - since you are writing to them, just say they all looked...I wanted Jason to say when they told him not to come, I have to come, I can't let you guys at this alone. No matter how much younger or scared, I want him to be a part of it. I like him already. Don't let them get the idea that Barry can help them now. He is still the archenemy, he wouldn't have felt the desparation at this point to try to join forces after the first encounter. Let that come later, when he sees he has no choice...like he is backed against a wall and all he can do is reach out to the bully. I could see Carol saying at this point, wonder if Beverly is out there, or the girls or even the Cutler boys? Or saying somethng like, I wonder if we should warn them? with the rest of them saying, let the monster eat them for all we care...they'd probably spit Barry out... I'm sure that today no kid will even understand the film reference. I wanted him to try to take a picture with his cellphone, that is what every kid does these days. I do think you use the word bully too much, maybe call him other jerky names in there to mix it up...I did like how you ended the chapter with the dad's POV, and Carol's last line was perfect. I'm coming back for more! Sincerely, Solo

solo1 wrote 627 days ago

I LOVED chapter one. I can't stand bullies (what my book starts with, too...) and I see the gangs so clearly in my head. Not really a gang, but just a group of friends trying to have fun, take care of each other. I thought of the Sand Lot and Goonies right away...and even though Aaron was not in the fair fight, a good punch in the nose was all it would take. Usually when bullies get it, they cry! Wonderful! I love your descriptions of Jason, and Stinker, and how you each gave them a distinct voice. I'm going on to chapter two now, just had to stop and comment before I forgot to say what I needed to say once I get involved. Sincerely, Solo

tyleradams wrote 628 days ago

This is really entertaining. Very imaginative. One thing that caught my attention is that it seems to be told from an adults perspective. Phrases like "the children" might be a bit off-putting to early teens that seems to be your target audience. Other than that minor offfense, I think you have a really good story here.

tyler (Almost Straight)

crazy mama wrote 632 days ago

I think it's original and timely, not to mention brilliant to combine sci-fi with such an important message.

A Knight wrote 637 days ago

Fantastic work. This is children's literature at its best, gripping and engaging. You don't lose the target reader with long words, but nor do you exclude other older readers with its simplicity. I particularly like the underlying and valuable message.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

smcint04 wrote 647 days ago

Well written and brings back a lot of (painful) memories. Gladly backed.

eloraine wrote 658 days ago

Great job, a good idea written very well, Good Luck. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles

mariecapri wrote 658 days ago

Hello Ron. This is such a great read. The fight between the leaders was well told and reminded me of when I was younger, when my brothers would say 'Don't tell!' Lovely character building. It made me laugh picturing Kruger trying to get through the trees. The fact he is hostile and immediately wants to eat them is good. You leave the reader almost shouting at the others to believe he exists and can't wait for their reaction when they do.
That makes for a very well told story. Very best of luck with it! mariecapri

Jim Darcy wrote 661 days ago

This reads very well and immediately conjures up images of childhood and the feelings kids have. The central premise is an interesting one and I am sure your target audience will relate very well to it. I usually advise people of this genre to check out the Harper Collins review of John Booth's Shaddowdon book, where they set out exactly what they look for. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

Famlavan wrote 665 days ago

Teenwars

This is a very imaginative story with a fantastic underlying theme. I think your characterisation is perfect for the audience. I think the structure of the story with the changing perspective and fractionation with the spaceship is very good, builds the storyline. Great concept and a story very well told. – Good luck

123