Valene Halloway: The Uprising

I enjoyed reading the story. However, I wasn't sure about the prologue. Anyway, Backed with pleasure, Sana x

I enjoyed reading this, vampire stories are new to me and this one seems more modern and accessible. I like Valene and feel for her and want her to sort out her unhappiness. I liked the bit in the shower where she was alone with her thoughts and the bit where she felt she was being watched, that was especially chilling. I'm not much good at giving grammer advice but it looks like you're getting plenty which is always a good thing.
Backed
All the Best
Christina
From Under the Bed

Dear Beth.
As vampire fans, we welcome new stories, this sounds original enough to make it to the bookshops.
Your dialogue fits well, but your action descriptions are awkward and you have fell into the trap of "passiveness", not only that, you "tell" the reader things instead of "showing".
Once a person's name is mentioned in a chapter, there is no need to repeat it.
If at all possible, avoid starting sentences with "he", "she" or a name, for example:
'Valerne assumed (that) this miracle was her. She... ' Assuming she was the miracle, Valerne...' etc.
Publishers love brevity.

Don't worry, this is not a put-down, but a lift up. In months to come, you will be advising some "beginner author" on the pitfalls and easily-made grammatical errors. Just pay attention to the helpful advice below, it's free, and free is cheap.

Backing it, fellow author.

Best of luck.

Eleanor and Sharkey.

Hi Beth. I like your pitch and your story. It's got potential for sure. Your writing is very good, and I think you could attract quite an audience. I would title your book Valene Halloway: The Rising (no up), rather than The Uprising. It seems shorter and catchier with just The Rising. Other than that, just believe in yourself and your story always, and do your very best to get a book agent / book deal! :-)

Wishing great luck to my fellow Canuck,

Kevin Wong
Author of Heroes of Destiny

Hi Beth brilliant prologue I was immediately taken in, the new v's old blood is a nice idea and Baltazars death (I think) at the end is a good touch, held my attention.
On the shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

I like stories about vampires so I was happy to read your book. The prologue reads like a fairy tale and children will quickly warm to it. As I was reading it reminded me in style of ‘The Three Little Pigs’ and when someone knocked on the door I wondered if it was a big bad wolf.

Using ‘that’ can slow down a sentence. Review each one and see if you really need it, saying the sentence out loud can help you to decide.
‘Left the room with his usual speed’ - what speed? Fast, slow?

I can see a change of style in the first chapter and I think this is good and gives a modern feel to the book. You introduce more characters and of course Brody. I like the narrative at breakfast. Chapters have good hooks at the ends to encourage the reader to turn the page. This is a charming story with a new twist to sweet-sixteen. I enjoyed reading it and I am happy to back it.

Tony
Life Bringer

The first paragraph of your prolouge didn't work for me because of the verb "were/was" and the fact that illuded to much, but said little. I'd rewrite the first sentence. B and M couldn't imagine loving anyone else. (or something like that) -- but rather then telling me there is an issue, have it come right out in the dialogue. I think your hook would be more effective that way.

I went on to read your chapter 22 at random. I particularly liked the ending paragraphs - they were tidy (meaning it felt like a real chapter break where I could pause if I wished) and yet, I wanted to turn the page to see what would happen with Valene and Tristan - would they make it? Nice work.

Another vampire book that I have no doubt will do well with the intended market, seems to be a lot of competition out there though.

Great read.

Good luck with it.

Melxx
UNICORN (crime/thriller)

Pacey, exciting...and you know what Ya's think of Vampires at the moment...even the great Harry Potter has had to shift his film's next opening so it doesn't clash with the next Twilight instalment.
Backed.

Beth
I'm not overly passionate about Vampire books,,,,I can never remember who sucks who......But dare I say it, this was kind of believeable...!!!

I read your loaded chapters one & two.......I made a couple of notes.

D'you think you need the words in brackets?

choice (that) I want for you .........choice I want for you
It's a life (that) I wouldn't wish ..........It's a life I wouldnt wish....
cause (the) both of them.............cause both of them

She pleads for him to turn her.......and he does......But I was left 'wanting' .....this is pivotel to the whole premise and plot and it was all over in one line.....I wanted a passionate embrace and to know what it felt like for her.....'being turned' I mean..........But, this is not my genre, maybe its not such a big deal and I am being a bit of a drama queen.........

I enjoyed the read.....I hope my comments help..

Shelved with pleasure

Valene Holloway: The Uprising is a well crafted Vampire fantasy that will do well in the genre. You write well with a good eye for detail and vivid characters. An easy and fast moving read that I'm happy to back.

A fascinating plot as outlined in your pitch. You begin well, taking us straight into the centre of your story. Your action scenes are exciting, and your short straightforward sentences take us forward at a good, fast pace. You write well, with only a few mistakes, easily picked up on your next edit. Valene has been given a detailed background, and we can see that dramatic developments are coming when she reaches sixteen. You show great imagination and consistency in the ideas you work with. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Beth
This was good - a vampire community! I found the council quite amusing to discuss the interests of the New Blood and Old Blood. Only read first chapter but will return to see how Valene grows. Backed
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

and it was standing between them / you have that

nice story emotionaland gripping backed

Beth
Nicely done, simple prose and good visual painting, ideally suited to your YA audience. Shelved.
Frank

PS Would "Constable Dave" not refer to himself by his surname e.g., "Constable Murphy"?

Okay wow..Valene supports the vampires that
DONT prey on humans. Nicely done and fun to read..On my shelf.
Victory to the Old Bloods!
best of luck with it,............Mikell The Free

Beth, I like your pitches, full of intrigue and the premise seems well geared to a YA readership with a teenage heroine and the seemingly ever-popular vampire angle. The opening prologue will divide opinion - it's quite long for a prologue and likely to irritate those many readers who don't care for prologues - I have a prologue in my own novel. There's a good hook at the end, very well contrived. By the third chapter the story has started to flow and even though I'm far from your target audience I can appreciate the manner in which the story unfolds and you have definite ability as a writer. Backed for promise and encouragement.
Jared.