A Guiding Light

Hi Simon

Here is my review of the first three chapters of A Guiding Light. Please don’t hesitate to maul my own scribbles in return or to bite back if there’s anything that I say that’s out of order.

Chapter 1

1. I like the movie-inspired setting notes and the movie-style quick editing. You are quite brave to use this approach. You must be careful to seize the reader’s attention and avoid any interruption of suspension of belief that can result from disorientation or inability to immediately picture the scene. I think you do manage that very well in the main.

2. “farting fumes” – OK that’s no different than “belching fumes” but it jars. I’d say keep your narrative simple, functional, neutral and direct as it generally is – and reserve all the humour or cynicism for dialogue. All the comment too, which would enable the reader to measure the characters by what they say rather than the way they are sometimes depicted (“snivelly”). The direct narrative works best when almost a functional military report.

3. “cleansing” of Luther? If we’re on the Lutherian side for the moment, they wouldn’t refer to it as “cleansing” – how about “scourging?” That sounds violent enough, keeps the ethnic cleansing image I detect, but could be used by both scourger and scourged.

4. How about using more clergy-related hierarchical titles rather than military? The old Catholic orders and the Orthodox orders had some wonderful titles.

5. What’s insinuated by the accidents befalling the Church Guard?

6. “the stylisation” eeek, rephrase that! Don’t like.

7. Careful with the POV in the quick-fire dialogue. The reader can get lost as to who “he” is at times.

8. Oooh I like the three-masted galleon. Reminds me of the Manga series Captain Harlock (Albator in France where I grew up). Nice steampunkness, space opera Victoriana. More description please? Otherwise that Charsu section is very effective.

Chapter 2

1. Just loving this chapter. Flows wonderfully.

2. “An explosive detonation” No. Just no.

3. “piteous face”? I would have thought Barnes would have been “piteous”.

4. “his ever-loving” should perhaps be “our Lord’s ever-loving”.

5. Stonking chapter otherwise.

Chapter 3

1. Were the Eyotalian ships under the command of Admiral Barnes? I’m a bit lost here, and that’s the danger of the quick editing. I need grounding here. Great battle scenes and aftermath. Nice hard space-opera.

2. “Frak this!” love it. You’ve been fragged. What game was that again? Unreal Tournament?

3. The scenes chop and change a little too fast in this section to my taste, and swiftly changing POV’s are a little confusing. Each scene needs a little more bedding in. I don’t really have suggestions. The pace of your narrative is sustained by the tone of language, so a little more description or character building would not slow things down too much.

4. Ooh like the cliff hanger. Magic coming in here methinks.

Top job overall. Very little for me to say. Have a proofread and check the grammar and sentence structure here and there. This is polished stuff otherwise. Big thumbs up. Not too sure about “pinnace” as the description of a craft, to me it’s more to do with the actual rigging than the type of vessel. Cutter, Schooner perhaps? I might be showing my ignorance.

More later hopefully.

Cheers, TRM

First chapter review.

I'd like to see a date time stamp before your story gets going. It sound like and adventure to start in my mind I expect to see a mission time stamp or something like that.


Remove farting fumes in the second paragraph. Its to early to use line like that.


When you refer to Luther is it a planet... I assume this as the read. But in paragraph three we don't know for sure. So add planet before Luther

I don't think you need the ! Point in the first series of dialog in chapter one. Reserve them for a point when you the author needs to express. --- Imo

colonel inspector. Has an extra r early in dialog..


not a fan of colonel ivanaov apologetic with rage. It confuses the flow.


Your over all dialog is fine for the first chapter. The characters are boastful, arrogant and full of leadership qualities, protagonists and antagonist show up quick.

I'd like to see a little more added to the chapter, even if its Tekno banter or military chitter-chatter. Let the characters have some more lines. Nothing that alters your story arc.



Outer system charu second church protectorate review

your first paragraph here need to have more description. This is a good spot to use sfi-fi lingo expanded beyond fold space,

try:
Off the port side of the ship a the fabric of space began to ripple signaling the inbound ship arriving through folded space. The alien ship burst through into normal space. The three masted alien ship proves to be a powerful sight to behold.

It could use at least 30 or 40 more words of description

open paragraph chapter 2

when war came slowly yet resolutely to the system. Doesn't make sense. It need more words, not fluff words.

I


treatment meted out to the inspector I don't like meted and it confuses the whole paragraph

I noticed u use a * to signal the transition. Would be a good idea to add a transitional sentence to start the dialog.

Krantu walked near Walters nodding his head,“Hi there,” said Krantu to Walters, “is he the one?

Try not to use adverbs like softly. It takes away form your dialog. The dialog is strong enough with out it


Closing his eyes he reached out and felt a wrongness and with a snarl he turned to Krantu.

Not a fan of that sentence. Reword it. You don't want sentences like that to take away when they are meant to add to the character.


All in all your work is inviting me to read more. The characters and the beginning spinets of story are intriguing enough for me to read on. I'd like to see you add some dialog thats not all serous story intro. IE give us a few more words with the starting characters. Also when you want to make the reader notice, don't lat your characters over act. The inspector is allowed to overact. A few of the others are going for academy awards early on. – Pace out the personalities or just tone a few of em down one notch. Alos you may want to think about using the old dash instead of commas. Dont use – them a lot. Only when you want a dramatic line too be – dramatic. All in all the spelling is high quality, the grammar is just as good, though some use of words might call for a good look at a thesaurus before you set the line in stone.

good luck with your book. Andrew

A Guiding Light - Having read the first three chapters it must be said there is a lot of energy/passion in the writing. However, the pace is so fast, switching the action from one location to another, I found it difficult to get a sense of who was doing what to whom and the reason for it.
What is clear is, charismatic Colonel Walters and his loyal followers are something other than human and 'The Church' rules the galaxy autocratically. Toward the end of the third chapter 'Immortals' appear, which added to the confusion of the read as I had no reference for them. In my opinion flesh, (by way of a build up before launching into the action), should be added to the bones of an exciting premise and possibly the roots of conflict, (different religious beliefs and practices), hinted at if not made known. This done, I believe the book has enormous potential.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Hi, Simon. I'm here to offer you a Worldbuilders Alliance crit. I hope you can find something useful in it.

... though I'm not sure I can be of much help here. You're writing an full-blown all-out mega-battle space-tech opera here. My reading preferences are for something less in-your-face, more thoughtful. I'd strongly suggest that you listen to feedback from people who love this type of story ahead of any advice I might offer.

Worldbuilding. On the whole I think you're introducing the elements that make up this part of the galaxy in a well-ordered fashion. You hint at the animalistic attributes of Colonel Walters and his followers, enough to tell me that they're different but at the same time making sure I know that they are human too. The use of theocratic terminology also helps settle the reader into a non-democratic spaceworld without overwhelming.

I've read to the end of #Ch3. The division of each chapter into sections, each with it's own close 3rd POV character, is working well for me - though I'm not sure how much the shortest sections are adding: they contribute to the confusing feel to the read, reminiscent of battle; but I'm left wondering whether they're /essential/ to the read. For instance, is the Ivanov character essential to the plot? At the moment his only purpose seems to be to highlight that Walters' religion is not the same as the common religion.

The major issue I had with the read is the writing style itself. It didn't work for me. I think you've supplied the skeleton of the text, but I want more. More imagistic detail about the scenes, the spaceships, the planets, the characters. Yet in order to satisfy me, you'll need to slow down the pace of the action, particularly in those sections not involving battle.

I also think the text could benefit from a line-by-line revision: removing repeated phrases, building in more dialogue, testing every word to see if it is essential to the story you want to tell, or if you need to add words, phrases, images to make the sentence perform the work you expect from it. You need to make this text sparkle to make it do your story the justice it deserves.

Best of luck with this one, however you choose to take it forward.

I remember reading this story a while back, it's a superb story. A contemporary SF classic, hugely recommended.

Backed again without hesitation, best of luck Simon.

Jack

Hello Simon. Took a look at your opening chapter. The descriptions are powerful, as is the narrative. Like myself you have a slight problem with punctuation, which needs addressing, you also tend to use quite a lot of adverbs and I suggest you try to find viable alternatives wherever possible. Good luck with this, it has the potential to become a great read.

Descriptions:
Rank upon serried rank… Good opening paragraph provides an instant word “picture.”
Many of them appeared big enough to be Church Elite… intriguing.


Nitpicks:
Repetition: The cleansing of Luther (had) been brutal and it (had) been nothing….(had )found Colonel Walters… He (had)… when they (had)… Apparently he (had) been stuck… The repetition of the word “had” mars the flow of the narrative. It isn’t always necessary to use this word to indicate past events. For example: The cleansing of Luther had been brutal and it was nothing short of a miracle that the Inspectorate found Colonel Walters to lead this Regiment. He appeared one day, when they called for blooded officers. Apparently stuck in some outpost, his small contingent were more than happy to follow him.
Possible typo: Leftenant… is usually spelt: Lieutenant, unless this is your own interpretation of the word.
Adverbs: …screamed down towards their (carefully) selected… (Shortly) afterwards, small (extremely) bright suns… Three adverbs in one paragraph. Suggest thinning out along the lines of: …screamed down towards their selected targets. (The word “selected” indicates the care taken, so you don’t need the “carefully.”) A short while after, small bright suns… (Try to find viable alternatives to adverbs, as I’ve done here with “Shortly.” Suns are blindingly bright by their nature, so no need to emphasise this with the word “extremely”).

As a BIG fan of the apocalyptic, the dark, and the maniacal, I was instantly impressed by the almost 'Dark Millennium' world you sketch in your first few chapters. Brutal dystopias are plentiful in fiction, but your post-human vision of a future war is all the more interesting because, like me, you see the scope for black magic in a technological struggle. I hope it causes as much mayhem in your book as it does in mine - because we're both onto a good 'un.

Quite an interesting opening, Simon, but there are a few typos, specifically 'leftenant', which should be 'lieutenant'. I admit that word is a bit of an odd one, though.
Also, some of your sentences could do with either being separate sentences or including a semi-colon, if you get what I mean.
Apart from that, it's a great storyline, but some punctuation-fiddling will make it all the better to read.

Good luck :)

Dagura
'Rising Seas'

Thanks for the comments and on the typos, as mentioned before, Leftenant is one of a few deliberate spellings and as such not a real typo. This novel is set in a broken future, hence the mix of technology and Dark Magic. I will add your other comments into the mix for my next re-write.

Cheers

Simon

Quite an interesting opening, Simon, but there are a few typos, specifically 'leftenant', which should be 'lieutenant'. I admit that word is a bit of an odd one, though.
Also, some of your sentences could do with either being separate sentences or including a semi-colon, if you get what I mean.
Apart from that, it's a great storyline, but some punctuation-fiddling will make it all the better to read.

Good luck :)
Dagura
'Rising Seas'

Great names! Always a fan of the strange and new! Thank you for accepting my swap invite! I thoroughly enjoyed the piece I read. Well-written and captivating!
Hope you will enjoy my own novel.
~Richard
Twin Fates
PS, Most definitely Shelved!

I'm not a great critic Simon, but i know a great book when I read one. Your world allows the reader to imagine their own which, is what all great books should do. Good luck my friend. You deserve it. Cicuta.

Lots of tension & action made for an enjoyable read. It was well presented & your paragraphs and dialogue worked well. Wishing you every success. Best wishes - Paula Barrett (How Mean is my Valley?)

ch 8 The Tower

I like the way you build up the tension with the waiting creature and the landing spaceship and then it unfurls its wings… I imagined a dragon but then the corrosive liquid. I must say I felt relief when it was killed, it sounded enormous. I like sci-fi and this is a great story, well told. I will back it with pleasure.

Tony
Life Bringer

Really intriguing Synopsis, I'd be happy to exchange reads/backing if you are game?

I cannot add any fresh advice.

BACKED

Not my type of read, but then, that's where my hubby comes in extra handy. he has enjoyed reading so far.
Backed.
Lizzie Scott :-)

In your pitch I would name Walters as Colonel Walters, so we know that when he is introduced in the first chapter, that he is to be the MC.

I agree about the 'farting', it jarred for me, maybe change to spluttereing or idling or something of that nature.

Leftenent, I went along with that assuming the spelling was deliberate, as after all, this is sci fi, but thought it worth mentioning.

The story line is starting to take shape with an MC that I am prepared to follow in this potentially epic adventure.

Good luck with this.

OK, following seems harsh, but I'm trying to help - if it's not helpful, please ignore it.

Short pitch – too much crammed in.

A battle spanning the galaxy’d be my preference.

The Fortress – what’s that?
It’s difficult – I’m intrigued, but I want character, not the world's woes, in the pitch. But then I read sci-fi and fantasy, too, and the world is as important (maybe more, in some cases) as the characters...I don’t know the right approach to this, but I’d suggest a little less detail, a little more punch? I think a clear main character/s would lead in better...but see below.

Chapter One – Farting fumes – don’t know if that’s necessary – I’m not a prude, but an agent might be – in the right kind of book, might work.
Before that, first para: Could be tightened – use board and boarded in the same para – no need. Cut. This is probably the third thing an agent will see. You don’t want to lose them here.

Apparently he’d been stuck...apparent to whom? Need a clear point of view.

Leftenant – is that right? Is that a US spelling?

I saw what Beval wrote below – I’m not a fan of info dumping, either, but I think to some extent it’s acceptable in epic fantasy and space opera – you’ve got a lot going on with little explanation as to who’s who – I’d have liked some clarification.
That’s my overall impression – I like Walters, he’s got potential, hard ass character – good. Good set up, the political/religious system sounds interesting. Too many point of view shifts for one chapter, I’d suggest breaking it up, or lengthening the individual sections so that they give a fuller picture – you’d probably want to expand rather than cut for space opera.

That’s a few thoughts, now I’ve pissed you off with all that, just bear in mind: I’m a knob. I don’t know anything. Please take what’s useful, ignore the rest.

I think this has potential, though, and while I’ve just said all that, it’s good. The bones are there, the idea’s there – just like to see a bit more polish.

Good luck.

While not in favour of info dumping, I found myself wanting to know more about the poltical back ground here.
Overall I thought this had all the makings of a classic space opera.

Classic Sci-Fi. A very good story and well written. This has the potential to do very well indeed, as it hits all the right spots.
No nit-picks from me, Backed!

Simon,
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

To Simon Verde (A Guiding Light)
I must admit to being a bit at sea in this Science Fiction world, but since coming to this site I have picked up at least some of the lingo and the terminology. Bit by bit I am coming to like some of the stories and this is certainly one of them. I can recognise quality writing irrespective of the genre and I'm BACKING your book and I have a spot on my bookshelf for it. Good luck with your writing.
Frank James (The Contractor)

I think there is a lot of potential here, but I personally would like to see a little more depth to the opening paragraphs which I believe would contribute more forcefully to the story. I wish you well with this. Backed.
Bill Long
Timecrack

Simon
I thought I would take a look at your first chapter after you commented on and backed my book. As you noted in your comment on mine, I am not really into scifi, so while I may not necessarily like the story you are setting up, your construction looks solid. Certainly your first few paragraphs make me want to keep reading - something I didnt expect when I started reading.
A couple of minor issues, the use of "farting" in the second paragraph stood out to me as not really belonging there. I understand the idea that your are trying to convey, but is there a more appropriate word to use?
Secondly, I wasnt so sure on the use of a variety of words in place of "said". In order, you have: carolled, admonished, replied, asked, said, commented, insisted, growled, snared, said, ordered, screamed, asked, snapped and roared. While these words can convey emotion and action, I think that the dialogue itself shows enough of the action/intent that the use of these additional words can at times distract the reader.
A very good first chapter, and probably most importantly for a non-scifi reader, I have watchlisted so I can come back and read more.
Backed with pleasure and I think you can take this a long way with a bit of a polish
DC Swann (Crossing Lines)

A riproarer that snarls in the face of SF and fantasy cliches and swallows them whole. This mash-up, with fantasy and SF tropes fighting it out in an interstellar rumble, rollicks along at a fine old pace, the blend of magic with religion and hi and lo tech, all battling it out forms a great backdrop for what looks to be a promising plot in the offing, with some interesting, if hairy, characters to make sure the action doesn't lag. Fun. Thank you. KA.

Backed A Guiding Light. Great Science Fiction. work on cleaning it up with a good editing. Good Luck.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Farting fumes..... I snickered- could't help it. You hear the word and you just gotta laugh. I think the general public is hard-wired that way. I'm your readership and herein lies my point; I've just been on about my reaction to one word and I've forgotten what else I've read. It takes one out of the storyline. I would avoid it. But you're on my shelf because I've went back and read some more and I really liked it! ;0) JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Many thanks for backing Lords of Cloud and Storm recently. I have popped a Guiding Light on my read list to have a look at.

Best of luck,
Stephen Lucek

You have an adverb in nearly every paragraph...it weakens the prose IMO, great story and plot though.

Alison Butler

This is imaginative and vividly described, with an unusual mix of church and science fiction.
I feel you might improve the writing by working on your dialogue. For eg, in Chapter 1, you have 6 pieces of dialogue following on from each other, all with exactly the same pattern: a short speech, then a tag and then a description of the speaker (eg "smiling" or "snapping to attention" etc). The first is "We are ready my Lord!" carolled Krantu, his pride in the soldiers obvious.
This is just one example of how you sometimes repeat a pattern in the dialogue. If you varied this, I feel it would be much more effective and enjoyable to read.
But it's an intriguing story line which promises a good deal of adventure and excitement. BACKED
Cherry G.
The Girl from Ithaca

You have a great imagination, and although this needs a bit of editing for a couple of typos and misspellings, this could do quite well.

J A Humm

(The Retreat)

I am a Star Wars fan and this has that flavor. Well written. I would buy this book and devour it. Among the best I've encountered on this site. Backed.

Take a look at my fantasy, 'Earth Reaver'. I welcome any comments.

Hi Simon

A strange combination of religious fervour and sci-fi context - with delightfully short paragraphs! It's different. I like it. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

I have to applaud you for the sheer originality of your premise etc...I'm sure this would go down well with Vatican sci-fi lovers...you could be onto something here!
Good luck
Stewart

Once more I'm amazed at the imagination those of you who write Sci-Fi and Fantasy novels have. TO create a totally fictious world and populate it with characters who are believable is a feat in itself. I liked some of your descriptive prose and the pace flows well. Your use of alliteration drew me to this book, as it's not a genre I would usually read - sneered-spittle- blister and boil at the end of Ch 2 are an example of this.K.J.

A vividly colourful space opera with demons. Fast paced and complex, it's a thrilling read, but for me the pace sometimes worked against the complexity, because with so many different characters and locations it was not always easy to keep track.

I wasn't sure if Leftenant was an intentional misspell to indicate the evolution of spelling over time, or it really should be lieutenant?

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Thanks. Yes, it's a deliberate mis-spell as the book is set in a broken future. Hence the mix of genre.

Thanks once again

SImon

A vividly colourful space opera with demons. Fast paced and complex, it's a thrilling read, but for me the pace sometimes worked against the complexity, because with so many different characters and locations it was not always easy to keep track.

I wasn't sure if Leftenant was an intentional misspell to indicate the evolution of spelling over time, or it really should be lieutenant?

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

This is not normally a genre that I tend to read. However, you have talent. Your characters are colorfully developed, your dialogue natural and entertaining. You have created a world that is entertaining to delve into, with flowing paragraphs and good word choices. I am sure that readers who frequent this genre will be eating this book up with a spoon. :)

Backed by me!

Cori
"Princess"

This is not normally a genre that I tend to read. However, you have talent. Your characters are colorfully developed, your dialogue natural and entertaining. You have created a world that is entertaining to delve into, with flowing paragraphs and good word choices. I am sure that readers who frequent this genre will be eating this book up with a spoon. :)

Backed by me!

Cori
"Princess"

Berbatov reinforces Colonel Walters stand on Argent as the forces of the Lord are unleashed on the invading Taurans. Viker a nondescript soldier is imbued with the power of the Lord, just like a veteran, and undergos his ascension, just like Colonel Waters himself.
Great story examining the transformation from greenhorn to full blooded soldier in a campaign against demon forces, power and energy is the guiding light, right in the midst of battle.
With terrific battle scenes and plenty of inspiration from the characters this is truly a marvellous read.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

My comment might be the opposite to some of the previous. It's a good indication that you should never take too much notice of any one reviewer. I read the first couple of chapters, a part of another two, then slowed down at chapter 13. I thought that one very well written, descriptive in the way that earlier chapters were not. 'The call was getting stronger, a pulsing beat in his febrile mind,' and so on. I thought that very good. The first couple of chapters raced through the action, myriad characters until I was lost. I noticed in Ch 13, there seemed to be only one character that I'd met before.
I think this story would have held my attention better if you settled on a main character earlier, and stuck to him a little more closely. In the pitch it mentioned Walters and his men, but in the time I've been looking at your book, I don't remember a Walters, though I assume he was there. To follow this story as it is, a reader needs to be willing to concentrate. Many readers will not want to do that work.
You have imagined a world, you have proven you can write brilliantly, (Ch 13) but in my opinion, this story is not yet where it needs to be. Marj.

I like this, good opening that speaks volumes about the soldiers and what they are expected to do, the physical appearance of the soldiers is slipped in well to throw the reader who has images of normal army in their heads and the line about god was a sideswiper too, this has a lot of potential with a feel of Starship troopers meets Star Wars, very good

Dear Simon

just had to back it a second time, just in case

best
Denise
The Letter

A Guiding Light is a good alternative to the universes spawned from David Weber's pen.

You are totally fantastic, Simon! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoir book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Other than that, this is a captivating science fiction saga. Pleasingly visual. Crisp dialogue. Vivid characterization. Tension mounts relentlessly. Well thought out, intriguing storyline. A highly enjoyable read. Backed.

This is an impressive work, there's no doubting that. Some might comment on the excessive amount of language but this is an epic work. A lot of very successful science-fiction sagas can be accused of the same. Thrillers are about pace and keeping the reader enthralled, so most are usually quite sparing on the poetry or the finely detailed descriptions. Epics and sagas can be more elaborate but may take longer to get noticed because of their scale (as I know from experience).

If you do decide to edit, all I would say is be ruthless. You could have the most beautifully descriptive passage, a flash of poetic genius of which Tennyson would be proud but, if it doesn't advance the story or is slowing the pace down too much, then it will have to go. Professional editors will do that and cut a story to pieces but they are looking at it from the perspective of a reader or a publisher who will be even less accomodating.

Don't be put off. You have all the makings of a great sci-fi epic here, plenty of imagination and brilliant ambience with an inventive and original plot and I have every confidence that it will do well. Best of luck.

Jack Hughes

Enjoyed reading this. Nicely done.

Suz

Evening Simon, You have an imaginative read going on here. The strange names make it awkward at times to remember who is who. The over abundance of the word had weighed the story down. In paragraphs three, four, and five alone you used the word had fifteen times. Most of these sentences were turned into passive, tell me sentences. Reworded to eliminate the majority of (had) and you could make the sentences active making the reader see what is going on in his, or her mind, instead of it feeling like someone is narrating the tale.

Another burden I feel is the horrendous amount of adverbs you use trying to make a point. Using words like, quickly, silently, patiently, and so on only tell me what is happening. These words are frowned upon by the majority of publishers. There are many ways to show what is happening. Silently he prowled forward. Prowled give the image of a big cat searching for prey. Hunkered low on soundless paws, nose to the air seeking out his next victim. adding Silently is unnecessary and does not aid the vision. In the context of your sentence I believe prowled is the wrong word. Could be wrong, but to me here he wouldn't be moving as though searching. He could be arrogant, it would be acceptable. he could move at a leisurely pace, (He strolled into the ship, Krantu, flanked by two soldiers trailing in his wake.) Just food for thought.

I have a little difficulty seeing this also. ("Very well," commented Walters....) Very well is not a comment. It is a statement. A comment is usually construed as explaining something. Or an observation explained in detail. Here a simple said is the best choice. "Very well," Walters said, turning for one last look around.

You need to do a through edit looking for incomplete sentence and such. Here is one. (Without another word, the three ships once more jumped into anonymity of fold space.) First, ships can't speak, then the last part of the sentence is missing something. It doesn' t read as a complete thought.

Last unless I missed something I couldn't go back and find, Who or what are the Tauran. Next, who or what are the Galleon. The name of ships, alien races, or what. That is the first reference I remember and they tell us nothing. It is as if a new story started at the end of another. At least that is the feeling I got.

I think you need to do a lot of work on this.

Nick
Invasion from Within

Thanks for the in-depth comment Nick. This book is in the process of being re-edited and you are correct, it is the second in a series which already has its followers outside Authonomy.

Thanks once again

Simon

Evening Simon, You have an imaginative read going on here. The strange names make it awkward at times to remember who is who. The over abundance of the word had weighed the story down. In paragraphs three, four, and five alone you used the word had fifteen times. Most of these sentences were turned into passive, tell me sentences. Reworded to eliminate the majority of (had) and you could make the sentences active making the reader see what is going on in his, or her mind, instead of it feeling like someone is narrating the tale.

Another burden I feel is the horrendous amount of adverbs you use trying to make a point. Using words like, quickly, silently, patiently, and so on only tell me what is happening. These words are frowned upon by the majority of publishers. There are many ways to show what is happening. Silently he prowled forward. Prowled give the image of a big cat searching for prey. Hunkered low on soundless paws, nose to the air seeking out his next victim. adding Silently is unnecessary and does not aid the vision. In the context of your sentence I believe prowled is the wrong word. Could be wrong, but to me here he wouldn't be moving as though searching. He could be arrogant, it would be acceptable. he could move at a leisurely pace, (He strolled into the ship, Krantu, flanked by two soldiers trailing in his wake.) Just food for thought.

I have a little difficulty seeing this also. ("Very well," commented Walters....) Very well is not a comment. It is a statement. A comment is usually construed as explaining something. Or an observation explained in detail. Here a simple said is the best choice. "Very well," Walters said, turning for one last look around.

You need to do a through edit looking for incomplete sentence and such. Here is one. (Without another word, the three ships once more jumped into anonymity of fold space.) First, ships can't speak, then the last part of the sentence is missing something. It doesn' t read as a complete thought.

Last unless I missed something I couldn't go back and find, Who or what are the Tauran. Next, who or what are the Galleon. The name of ships, alien races, or what. That is the first reference I remember and they tell us nothing. It is as if a new story started at the end of another. At least that is the feeling I got.

I think you need to do a lot of work on this.

Nick
Invasion from Within

Very accomplished and imaginative.
Backed with pleasure.