Steel Prison

Your pitch and tags offer much to your target readers. As for me, provided I could get through the first chapter, I was hooked. Such a moving opening told with great feeling. You cover a spectrum of years and what's so sad is still today, fostering and foster homes are in great demand.
Your writing does this story justice, it's no mean feat to be able to capture a child's eye in such a way to make it believable.
I need to read on but meanwhile backed. Margaret.

Whoa you have some emotion tugging images in this. I would like to point out you have very little auditory description in the narrative, wonder if this would make this even more atmospheric?
This is a wonderfully told story, with very poignant images and situations, this is very good – good luck.

Hi Noizchild
It's always difficult to tell a story through the eyes of a child as you have to be careful to use the appropriate language and reactions. However I reckon you've pulled it off well. Good luck with this.
DP Walker
Five Dares

This is a good idea and the story begins very well and has promise. We often read about domestic violence and crime and become hardened to it. It is good to remember that there are alwoays innocent victims. Good Luck with this.I'll come back to it later when I have more time to read it in full.

Well Noizchild; I just keep reading and reading, so there ya go. You're a natural, plain and simple. I think you also pegged me quickly as a child of the seventies after reading "Severance Pay", and your writing reflects someone incredibly perceptive, who can translate it to the page very effectively. Great writing here. I love how you get into Lisbeth's head.

I read your first chapter more than a year ago. I read your second chapter today.

General comments: A moving, mesmerising chapter. Lisbeth is a sympathetic character. Heartfelt narrative. Evocative descriptions. Effective sense of place. I'm there. Well-crafted tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'The janitors are the only ones that have keys to our rooms.' 'That' should be 'who.'
2) 'I miss my home and daddy.' Capitalize 'daddy.' When a kinship term is used as a name, it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized. There is another case of this type of problem.
3) ' ... that only opens to let in more girls that have problems in their lives like me.' 'That' should be 'who.'
4) ' ... because the Sunday school teachers that walk around the tables ... ' 'That should be 'who.'
5) '7:00 am: Wake up' '7:00 am' should be '7:00 a.m.' There are more cases of this type of problem.
6) "Don't worry Lisbeth," she would say to me softly. Comma after 'worry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.

I hope these comments help you future polish this chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your support of "Savannah Oak."

Bless you.

Al

I enjoyed the short pitch and long pitch. I read through your first chapter and my only comment would be to take a look line by line(when the time comes) and try to tighten up your sentences. At times I thought they were a bit long and could have been worded more efficiently. However, I am guilty of this myself. Overall a great story with the potential to really resonate with your target audience. I especially liked Lisabeth and the idea of the "new life" just beginning. Very good hook at the end and made me want to continue. I will be back for more as time permits. 5 stars for now!

Best,

Ashley

Title: Good title. The word “Prison” immediately evokes intrigue.

Short Pitch: Hmmm, not sure about the effectiveness of the quote as a hook, and it’s not enough is clear to me as to how Lisbeth’s being in the academy is a direct result of her father’s abuse toward her mother. I think this could be reworked.

Long Pitch: Typo…”aburpt” should be “abrupt”
First, “her life as she knew it…”—delete her.
Also, I would rework that first paragraph/sentence. It’s long and gives too much information. This is a hook, after all. I think this might strengthen it: “For seven-year-old Lisbeth Parker, life as she knew it came to an abrupt end when she saw her mother clutching a heated, bloodied piece of firewood; her father’s bleeding corpse lying at her feet.” Or something like that. You don’t have to say they had an argument, as it’s irrelevant.
The quote you use in the second paragraph of the LP is perfectly placed, but all the more reason not to use it in the short pitch.
“As the years tread by, Lisbeth as she navigates her way through her altared life course through her memories as she reflects her losses, loves, triumphs, and everything she witnesses year after year to survive rise above the harsh hand that life has dealt to her.”
A few things about this paragraph. First, “altared” should be “altered.” Second, it’s a run-on. Here are some suggestions to fix it up a bit.
“As the years tread by” needs to be followed by an independent clause, not another subordinate clause. “As she navigates her way through her altered life…” is another subordinate clause. Maybe something like, “As the years tread by, Lisbeth navigates through her altered life course through memories; reflecting her losses, loves and triumphs.” (the stuff after this part is redundant).
The information is there, but I think the effect and power of your pitches could be polished up a bit. Hope these suggestions help. Just humble opinions.

Chapter One
“A dove-grey and white…” This reads weird. Is it a dove grey and white? Or, a dove-grey…and white? In addition, dove-grey is odd, as the doves I know are white. Maybe drop the dove part. Others might disagree, but I think it would read better.

Should be a comma after “In the back seat…”
“She grew up knowing that being in the back of a cop cruiser was a bad thing.” Oooh, I like this a lot! It speaks from a child’s mind and paints the scene so vividly in terms of how she’s feeling without having to say so much. Well done.

“…ended up here.” Where’s here? Do you mean the cop car? Maybe describe it. i.e., sitting on the cool, smooth upholstery of the police car…locked in from the outside like a criminal…(you get the picture)

“Her eyes looked soulless and empty like a broken doll.”
There should be a comma after “empty.” I love this imagery, btw!

Good dialogue, especially toward the end of the first chapter. I think some of the parts with the formality of check-in and that sort of stuff—with the cop and the likes—may have been a little tedious, but some good writing there, so I didn’t mind so much.

One thing you must consider is to sparse out the chapters a bit. The first chapter seems like it could be broken up, and even if you intend to keep it as one chapter, on Authonomy you might attract more readers with shorter chapters (sad how that works, isn’t it?)

This has a lot going for it. I’m definitely glad I found it. I think it needs some polish here and there, especially on the flow and grammar in a few parts, but overall, it has the makings to be something really good.
Good luck and thanks so much for sharing.

All the best,
Phil

Your main character shows great promise: she has so much emotional potential stored in her backstory.

Two problems: passive voice and repetitiveness. You use a lot of passive voice, which should rarely be used in prose writing. Active voice is much stronger and gets your point across more effectively. You also repeat a lot of facts, such as the fact that Lisbeth (cute name, btw :-D) is going to be at Maycomb for the next few years at least five times. You may not even have to mention that particular fact...your readers (on authonomy anyway) should be able to pick it up from your long pitch. As for other repetitive facts that you state in the prose, your readers should be able to get it after the first time.

I hope this helps. Keep up the good work!

Bek Mars, author of DarkStar

There's a great amount of imagery in your writing and I feel like I can really get in to Lisbeth's mind which is not as easy for me when I read books not in first person. I'm really surprised this isn't higher up in the ranks yet. The only thing I can really find to pick on (I know it's awful, but I always try to do this) was the lyrics in the very beginning... it's a great choice but if you're published you might have some problems without the right permissions (I know, it's a sucky thing to nitpick but I'm trying here). Beginning with a graphic murder is always awesome. For this alone I'd back a book. I guess it's a good deal since the book is really great too. :]

Brittany E.
Melaney and The Mirror/My Last Notes

Steel Prison
Fiction? Memoir 3rd person

FIRST, copywrite laws... Please, before you get any further into this, seek permssion to use John Lennon's work. If you can't get it, don't use it!

The pitch is compelling. I think the premise to this story is one that will grab a large audience. A little girl ends up as a foster child when her mother murders her father.

Chapter 1 - The reason everyone focuses on this chapter is because it is so important to make it the most compelling part of the book. This is what wins readers. IMO, this chapter has the potential to wring hearts. With a little polish, it could bring tears to eyes.

Mechanics, very clean and professional. I did not see any errors.

I do think this is a really compelling subject. I think that you have the skill to write the story in a gripping manner.

Raechel
Echo

Fiction. Purely fiction. I decided I'll worry with copyright issues when I get higher up the chart.

Steel Prison
Fiction? Memoir 3rd person

FIRST, copywrite laws... Please, before you get any further into this, seek permssion to use John Lennon's work. If you can't get it, don't use it!

The pitch is compelling. I think the premise to this story is one that will grab a large audience. A little girl ends up as a foster child when her mother murders her father.

Chapter 1 - The reason everyone focuses on this chapter is because it is so important to make it the most compelling part of the book. This is what wins readers. IMO, this chapter has the potential to wring hearts. With a little polish, it could bring tears to eyes.

Mechanics, very clean and professional. I did not see any errors.

I do think this is a really compelling subject. I think that you have the skill to write the story in a gripping manner.

Raechel
Echo

As a mother of a seven-year-old, i found your manuscript very difficult to read...but i've tried my best to look at it objectively. The story was well written, Lisbeth certainly had my sympathy and I liked some of the images - the fluffy pink bunny being dragged along the ground. But I wasn't convinced that Maycomb Academy existed in 1970. It felt like it was from another time. Also, some of Lisbeth's thoughts felt a little too adult. You need to see the world through a seven-year-old's eyes. Just a small suggestion: would she scream, 'I don't want to be here,' or 'I want my mum.'
You clearly have talent, so keep going with it.
With my very best wishes
Kim
St Viper's

Noizchild,
The stark realism of your prose just drew me along as I ventured deeper and deeper into "Steel Prison." Certainly the switch to the first person narrative for Lisbeth under a case file heading gave me the feel of gazing unobserved through a one-way mirror window at events unfolding before me in realtime. Your descriptive phrases were convincing, your dialogue pithy. Thank you so much for such an intriguing book.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

You have set this in 1974, when a seven-year-old child, 'Lisbeth,' enters an institution. The institution has 'guards' who talk loudly about the nuisance of the State dumping unwanted kids on them, a locked dormitory, bars on the window to prevent 'escape.' It seems like your story comes straight from the Dickensian tradition of Orphanages and Institutions that are automatically awful. But it's 1974, not the 19th century, and set in America not a 3rd world country. Have you exaggerated the reality? And why couldn't she leave when she was 18?
As a story, it's well written, and I have no doubt that the majority of readers will accept it uncritically.
It is a polished story - I only caught one tiny typo in all that I read - Ch1, 'many prejudice people' should be 'prejudiced.'
At the beginning, you quote a John Lennon song. I''m afraid that unless you have the permission of the copyright holder, that will have to go.
In spite of my own reservations about this story, I think it will be successful for you. To be backed for the quality of the writing and the care that has resulted in a polished story. Marj.

You do have a bleak view of Children's Homes. Well written.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating opening to what promises to be a engaging story. Sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Pacing could be faster.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'It resembled the face of Hydra with a gaping mouth wide open.' Good similie. Vivid. Effective.
2) ' ... and had glasses that were thick and black-framed.' Consider inserting 'she' after 'and.'
3) 'Like a deer caught in the headlights' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
4) 'What did they do when they ran into girls that fell off the path and ...' 'That' should be 'who.'
5) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.
6) ' ... and kept wishing in vein that this was just a terrible nightmare.' 'Vein' should be 'vain.'
7) "It's okay sweetie," he whispred. Comma after 'okay.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.
8) "School begins a 9 am and gets out at one." '9 am' should be '9 a.m.'

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for backing "Savannah Passion."

Happy holidays.

Al

This is reading like a young adult story.

I can see my students identifying with Lisbeth.

A great connection--Dad, the cop

I can't believe she's been there four years. What kind of system is this?

You have a great voice. Innocent and yearning.

Without knowing the plot up to ch 10, or after, I'd like to leave my concerns in your messages

STEEL PRISON
Í like the title -eye catching. The pitch reads well and is just about right for your audience. You first chapter was was moving, and quite a tear -jerker, very emotive.
I would think it difficult to write as seen through the eyes of a chil, but you managed to handle this deftly and with good narration. This is strong, tight and good writing. Well done.
I have starred this highly as I feel it is appropriate.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

I have read more of this heart-wrenching book. And I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, Noizchild, to hit the Ed's desk soon. Best wishes, M

- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Tight, graphically descriptive prose without embellishment or adornment making for a mature read.
The premise is edgy with a strong element of conflict and rough times ahead for the juvenile protagonist but the underlying theme is one of optimism. Steel Prison is gripping and is perceptively written. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Noizchild,
You certainly have a sympathetic protagonist in Steel Prison. Lisbeth Parker has a complex psychology and her story is harrowing and poignant. Backed with enthusiasm.

Steel Prison - Touching and heart-wrenching. You write very well, easy to follow but with great descriptions. I was there, following the poor little girl into the home. One thing I did notice - near the beginning there are two consecutive sentences ending with the word 'head' and later, when the guards were taking Lisbeth to the dorm the thought that such people shouldn't be allowed to have children is stated twice. I didn't like these guards, I felt like telling them that if the state didn't look after these children they wouldn't have a job to go home from! Good luck with this. Backed.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man
Shattered Dreams

Very well done. Oliver Twist, meet Steel Prison.

Suz

Noizchild -

Steel Prison - You are obviously deeply touched by the the drama children experience when their world falls apart, which must have moved you to write. There's some good dramatic writing here, although a little overdone in places, which, ironically, put me at a distance. Then again, I worked a while for UK Social Services and am not familiar with the system in the US. Chapter 1 could do with more work. I sense why you did not use first person to begin with, but the pov switches need attention. You might try having someone reading out this chapter. I found this helpful myself occasionally. It gave me the opportunity to make notes while listening. Best success.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Heart wrenching, moving and at times very painful. Your imagery and good choice of words makes this a good read. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

You provide us a poignant story with an intelligent plot and fascinating characters, Visceral imagery. Polished writing. A remarkable and gripping read, Backed.

Fantastic stuff. A helluva a premise. You've got our attention - I don't see any way for the reader to turn away. And, very, very well written. Only thing (and this is difficult to say as a die hard John Lennon fan), putting the song in the beginning is a disservice to all the other good stuff going on.

I must admit to being shallow here. Your title and cover are what initially pulled me in. Then you grabbed me with the premise. Every now and then, I find a novel on this site that I think, "I would have picked this up in the store." this is one such novel.
Is there a word missing from the quote beneath the John Lennon entry? (which I love, by the way!) I bet you could work out a closer POV on this, but storywise you had me gripped. I love how you jumped in to her situation, going to a state facility. How overwhelming--a new place, a bad situation, a social worker who seems insensitve (though well intentioned) and Lisbeth is being thrown into this new life, being told how things are "gonna be". I guess she has to be told sometime, but it really makes me sympathize with her.

I simply adore this.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

This is fantastically written. The prose is deeply meditative and has strong connotations that spring from every carefully chosen word. Maycombe is an excellent metaphore for the prison that such situations seem to resolve themselves in; a place where society can dump the detritus and leave it there to forget the horrors of the real world.

Your opening descriptions and the procession through the academy are heart wrenching and anger invoking- it is so easy to hate those self obsessed, self centred guards. They are the splintered embodiment of the broken society.

In short, your writing is crafted, skilful and measured to perfection. Good luck to you.

BACKED

How we ache for Lisbeth! We know how unfair life can be, but this little Innocent makes us live it with her. A remarkable achievement. Backed, backed, backed.

I love your premise and writing style. You have delicious description from line one and your work flows in easily read paragraphs. Your characters are also full and rich. This was a highly enjoyable first chapter and your book should go far.

- Scott

HELLO NOIZCHILD ' STEEL PRISON,

having read some of your book and found it to be a very gripping read, i felt for poor Liz beth and her life in Moycomb. its really heart wrenchin stuff and well written,
backed
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

Very good, powerful writing and a very compelling narrative. I have read your firstcchapter, backed you and will read on.
If you have time could you have a look at my Freddie, Bill and Irving.
Godd luck on your upward drive.

Paul

a good, effectively written, well set out book. l shall put this on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Quite a tough subject to write about. Well written however and you were able to get the sense of hopelessness, but then also glimmers of hope as lovely themes [chap 7].
My childrens book is very different, but would welcome your comments/backing. Jerry [paperbat]

Quite a tough subject to write about. Well written however and you were able to get the sense of hopelessness, but then also glimmers of hope as lovely themes [chap 7].
My childrens book is very different, but would welcome your comments/backing. Jerry [paperbat]

Quiet a tough subject to write about. Well written however and you were able to get the sense of hopelessness, but then also glimmers of hope as lovely themes [chap 7].
My childrens book is very different, but would welcome your comments/backing. Jerry [paperbat]

Steel prison
Backed with pleasure
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

There are many things I like about this. The small details like colors and shapes seem to be carefully chosen to fit the mood of the scene. This implies that you don't take a single word for granted. Another thing I like is how you're able to use the tone and style to depict the character you're talking about; in the beginning it's a young child, so the style sounds similar to a child's way of thinking and speaking (without, of course, making the prose appear childish, which is the real challenge of doing that). Yet another thing I appreciate is that you don't try to impress the reader with vocabulary and complex sentence structure. Instead, you maintain control of the narration with compact, succinct sentences that flow smoothly into the next. That's how it's done. You have a true command of what you're doing and a natural ability to write.
My only nitpick: I noticed a few sentences ending with "however." That word should be used only in the middle of a sentence.
Otherwise, I love it. Keep up the good work.

Hi-

You have got a good flow of language in your story.
I do not really mind much about errors in grammar use nor the correct use of punctuations in the story. I usually get my impression from the pure meat of the book and the ways how the writer shows all the emotions and the details of the story. I believe after reading chapters 1-4, I am convinced that you really have the ability to write this powerful topic in the real life. The plot is a bit commong but very sensible in many ways. The writer is very keen to details that he transforms the story into a more believable event. Dialogues among the characters are well polished. I know this book will get its way to get published very soon. I am sorry if I comment a little late but I have backed this already. I hope this is not the last time that we can share our views and opinions about our works.
Take care my friend and good luck to your writing endeavours.


FLETCH
STORIES FROM A LEAKING MIND

Love the lyric you start with (big John Lennon fan) but hope you know you'll have to get permission to use it, which can be very expensive.

The story unfolds slowly, with the introduction to the institution, whilst you mix narrative and dilaogue it feels a little distant, I think mainly because Lisbeth isn't really involved: she's there, but she's not the focus.

I want to feel her horror and confusion and fear, in order to be fully engaged with sad story, which means less focus on other players at this stage.

But it's such an interesting premise and there's sensitivity in the writing, so I'm going to give it a spin on my shelf.

Dear Noizchild,
Though this kind of life obviously exists, I'm glad for you that it's fiction. It's terrible that innocent children have to endure such abuse and neglect.

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

There were a couple of typos I spotted (Lois Armstrong?) but generally it felt quite polished. The writing is pretty good and easy to read.

I wasn't sure why they kept complaining about the state dumping kids on them, isn't that the purpose of the academy? who else apart from the state sends kids there? Wasn't clear to me.

I wasn't sure what pov you are using in the first chapter. You show things from different [erspectives and the thoughts of various characters often within the same scene so i guess Omniscient, but it felt like headhopping at times. After you switch to the journal entries it's much clearer.

Overall a well written piece with a tense vibe to it. I don't think things are going to go well for Lispeth. Backed.

Dear Noizchild, your story Steel Prison, is a profound book and beautifully written. I feel moved b Lisbeth's circumstances and that she has to endure the difficult circumstances that have befallen her. I believe Steel Prison has great potential, and back it with utmost pleasure
Sincerely
Helen
The Last Dream

Your pitch is excellent and would have made me pick this off the bookshelf, so it did its job. Sadly I stuggled with your first chapter. It was all a bit mechanical. I think you could have nailed it on emotion.
What had she heard before her mother killed her father? We know more about the cops who bring her in except for the fact that she is wearing pink this and that and carries a pink fluffy bunny. Sorry I dont mean to appear harsh, I think you have the makings of something really good here it just needs a little sharpening.

Chapter two and three are much better, but to hook your reader your first chapter must be stong. When she gets to her room she broke down crying, they mean the same to break down, or to cry. You could say once on her own, her tears fell in thick heavy sobs.
What had happened in the last 24 hours flashed though her mind?
Would she ever see her mummy again?
She felt scared and alone, no one had showed her where the bathrom was and she was to friegtened to ask.. We need to know more of her thoughts and emotions to empathise. What emotion did her little face show? Eyes wide and startled? did she sob quietly? Did she clutch the nice policemans big hands with her little one.

You have so much opportunity to make us love her and want to protect her staight away. I really like this story and so want to help you make it something outstanding. That is what authonomy is about getting the right advice. I see others have sujested some changes. I hope you accept this advice in the spirit it has been given, this could be an astounding story for just a little work. Best of luck

Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley

After reading the first few pages I was not grabbed by this. Then I reread the pitch which reminded me that this is in the voice of an eight year old girl and it all began to make more sense for me. Well done.
MickR - The Nightcrawler

As a former inmate of a boarding school, I think you've captured the atmosphere pretty well.It is a bit rich for functionaries to moan abot the State keeping these poor children. If they didn't they wouldn't have a job.
Well written.Backed.

Hello Noizchild, what a haunting book cover this is and your short pitch is so well crafted. I found the book somewhat disturbing but this is the nature of this read, so well done well crafted. It is somehow real the way you have depicted your characters and especially your MC. I cannot quite get it all out of my head....CONGRATS ..
This is not my genre but it is so important to cross over some times to appreciate other authors and comment and back for skill etc if nothing else......BACKED by me for sure.......I would be so happy if you would review my book and COMMENT and if you will BACK it. Either way BEST of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

Dear Noizchild --

You've created an incredibly vivid portrait through Lisbeth's eyes; she is a believable character with a distinct voice. As readers, we felt both protective of her yet also awed by her clear-eyed strength. Backed with pleasure. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

I was glad to read that Lisbeth made it through. She is a strong MC and sympathetic. Young Adult readers will read this and gain understanding of kids who don't grow up in "normal" households. Well written.

Your work is well written and well paced. Your use of imagery is excellent and this coupled with your descriptive writting style ensures that your novel will have broad appeal with the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

An incredible piece of work. Is this all fiction or based on fact? There is a strong sense of realism here that makes it all the more believable and engrossing. Backed with pleasure.

Karen
The Kid: A True Story of Cocaine, Corruption, Deceit and Betrayal

It's fiction.

An incredible piece of work. Is this all fiction or based on fact? There is a strong sense of realism here that makes it all the more believable and engrossing. Backed with pleasure.

Karen
The Kid: A True Story of Cocaine, Corruption, Deceit and Betrayal

Hi Noizchild
I returned for another read as I didn't get as far as I wanted last time. I love your description of Lisbeth's school and the way you enabled us to feel her insecurities. You may have to be careful about using lyrics and royalties - I'm not sure myself but I've used them and people keep telling me that... best of luck
DP Walker
Five Dares