The Dark Men of Biddulph Moor

So much mystery surrounds the Crusades, the Templars, and their history, that I enjoy reading new books and theories. Thank you! Backed!

Hi Mr Siviter

The Dark Men of Biddulph Moor

Your pitch is superb – I can’t imagine anyone not being intrigued and I love your style of writing – the narrative evokes the sense of the period very well. Excellent.
Kat x (Hens from Hell)

Your story moves quickly and easily and should be a very fun read for your target audience, I found myself trying to figure out where exactly he had left the cup, maybe a little more detail at that moment for such an object is in order. I like your style, good luck! On my list for sure. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Your writing cuts straight to the heart of the action whilst still retaining the atmosphere and flavour of the time and places. A great read for children and adults alike.
Backed with pleasure x

as promised, some feedback.
The opening is well done - intro of the main character in first sentence and straight into action. However I would suggest some trimming to increase impact - eg - '...shield but (it looked as if) the second and third assailants skewered the Crusader with their spears.(under the raised shield)
We don't need every detail, only the key ones - the rest we can sumise for ourselves. Its always goof to let the reader do some of the work.
A couple more suggestions - try to avoid TELLING us the backstory - para 4 is one example - SHOWING (as you did in the opening) is always more effective.
The other suggestion I have is to look again at your dialogue - try reading it aloud - it seems to me to be a little stilted and would benefit from tightening.
But this is an interesting idea - the linking of Alured and Hakim is novel. Good luck with it,
Margaret

Nicely written and should do well with its target audience. I suggest you revise your pitches though - these should be more of a summary of what the reader will encounter. Have a look at those used by the 5 writers who have just made it to the ED. This is your shop window on this site, so make the most of it. Best wishes and backed in the meantime. Colin

The Dark Men of Biddulph

There is another book about the about the legend and mines of Alderley Edge that has stuck in my mind since childhood.
I so much like this story; anything that has depth and meaning does it for me.
Everything oozes quality and what is odd is I saw a mention of the Weirdstone (or was it Moon of Gomrath) today
This is another story from the area that will stick with me.

It great to to able a read a book that will appeal to such a wide audience. You promote a excellent theme here and this should be the sort of book children read in school. Best of luck with this! Backed with anticipation of great things for you.

It's great to read YA HF that appeals to both genders. Yours whispers of adventures yet to be told. The opening poem, while easy-to-read and offering a lilt of yesteryear, sets the stage for what's to come. Further, the prose captures the reader's attention to dialogue. There are numerous strengths that make this a compelling read.

You might consider going back and working to create more action. Draw that initial scene out so that we, the reader, are part of the battle. Allow us to see the weapons glistening in the sun or marked by the conquests of war. Let us smell the dust as it billows around thundering hooves or death as it is baked in a warm sun. Bring our senses to life.

The theme is critical in today's world where bullying is a mainstay for too many youth. An adventure will help deliver that vital message.

With your writing skills, a little elbow grease will take this from another good story to one that is long remembered. Best of luck with your writing!

Backed with pleasure! Joss E. Morris (A Bore No More)

I love the poem to start the book. Well written and easy to read. Well done. You're a great storyteller. Happy to have backed the book.

Cheers,
Andrew

Mr Siviter, your first chapter is a smooth read. Nothing to nitpick in that chapter.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Well done indeed! The premise would attract my attention in a bookstore. Getting swept into the story as I was would compell me to keep hold of it and walk directly to the check-out counter and buy it, especially as it involves the Grail and Merlin! Wonderful stuff of fantasy. And there seems to be a lot of interest in Knights Templar, etc. here in the States, thanks to "The DaVinci Code" so this would work into that market.

Best wishes!

Debra

This is a delightful story. Your synopsis is drawing and written very well. I read through ch. 3 (all I have time for) but enough to know this deserves to be read by the editor and be published. Well done and well polished! Backed with pleasure.
BD Nelson
Abigail's Cries
Scorned

Wonderfil book for 10+ You have written this extremely well and has action and drama that kid will love

a pleasure to back

Few things are as appealing to schoolagers as a story about knights and the crusades. When the story has advice on how deal with bullying buried inside it, it produces a double punch. I like the way you do descriptions: enough detail a reader can tell what things look like and what is happening; not so much it slows down the story. Makes this a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).
P.S. The title strikes me as a little scary for schoolagers.

This is well written and authentic sounding - you've clearly done your research. I'd like to know more about the forging of Hakim's loyalty, though. Could you spare a paragraph or two to tell us how Hakim came to be Alured's prisoner, and give us the dialogue when Alured asks the king to spare him? It would make his gratitude more credible and show us (rather than telling us) his moral strength.

Backed.

Rachel

An excellent book that educates and entertains. I appreciate a lot of hard work has gone into the research and you have merged the education and entertainment well. Nice cover too. This is a book with potential.

Backed,

Lisa

What a marvelous tale for YA readers and a pleasure for any adult who may have the chance to read it to them.

Youngster thay in all probability have never heard of either the Knights Templar, the Holy Grail or the crusades...a stunning way to introduce them to the history and legend of those times...taking them on a journey and introducing them to the historical significance of the grail and its seekers.

moving forward through time and beautifully done, this anchors in the now, and with a clever descriptive pen the reader is anxious to stay and learn more, the stuff of knights and legends...the stuff of dreams and often nightmares, this is a well crafted and most enjoyable read.
well done indeed...already backed {I'm fairly certain I backed without comment initially} If not on your feeds please let me know I will be delighted to put it on my shelf.

Suzannah Burke
Dudes Down Under.
Suzannah Burke

This is really a book for everyone - well crafted and intelligent! BACKED with pleasure - I'd buy this - I can also see this as a required school read for middle schoolers!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I enjoyed this very much but I wondered about the length of it, and the market for something so short. One of your commenters points out the clipped presentation of parts of the story, and I can see why you wouldn't want to spend time on the journey home but perhaps you could fill in more of Hakim's life. We have no idea how old he is at the beginning of the story but I suspect making it plain he was quite young would be advantageous. it would also help if we had a little more information about his character and exploits so we know why the Templars entrusted the chalice to him. You could also add a considerable amount to Shariff's story, as he's the real centre of the tale. His life as an immigrant would be of considerable interest - again so we know exactly what makes him worthy of the secret of the grail. All that aside - don't we always want more of what we've enjoyed - you have a lovely story here and I have it on my shelf. You might consider putting contact information on your profile. How would one of your phantom agents or publishers let you know if they were interested?

Hi -- Perfect for the target audience. Shariff is great. Excellent prose and well researched.
Best wishes, Barry (Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

This reminded me a little of the weirdstone of brisingamen...which is a compliment as it was one of my favourite books as a kid. I like the way you've not talked down to your audience. It's very measured and will push the reader just the right amount. More than happy to have backed you.
David
Bailey of the Saints

Hi H
My mum lives just round the corner and I've been to the Merlin pub in Alderley Edge so this drew me to the story. You've done your research well as you've been able to make the story seem to real. Great for the target audience.
Good luck
DP Walker
Five Dares

THE DARK MEN OF BIDDULPH MOOR:

Billy,

I was fascinated by this story. There is so much history in it and you explain this so well in your later chapters. An absolute wealth of knowledge here for the kids as well as a great story. Beautifully told with flowing prose. I was also fascinated by it because I live in Wilmslow for part of the year, so know Alderley Edge pretty well.
A very clever and appealing story, and I wish you luck in getting it published.

Backed.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

Billy,

The Dark Men of Biddulph Moor - the ever fascinating historic setting of the Crusade prepares for the tale of the little hero, Shariff. ... 'I'm not from Pakistan,' he shouted, ' I'm from Syria and can speak Arabic.' You might try and weave together more the historic background and the story of Shariff, which begins at CH 6 in Macclesfield 2010. Re: the name Alured, unless it has a specific meaning, it would read better, roll better from the tongue, as Aured. A great story, well told, and with good potential, which I'm happy to back.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Backed February 9.

Jesse - Savant

Hi H, there is a nice story intertwined in this, I like Alured as a character and from reading your premise I am really intrigued to see where this is going and how it crosses the generations. I enjoyed this read but I have to say your short book description was a little off putting, it describes your book as more of an historical overview which made me back off a bit but when I read it it's much more than that. I suggest making the short description a little more enticing. It's on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

The Dark Men of Biddulph Moor is the kind of children's story I like - a touch of history, some moral messages, swords, battles and a good helping of magic mixed together in a easy to read fantasy. Your opening is full of action which will grab your young readers, and the style and idiom fits the genre well. For adults the grail story becomes ever more complicated after Dan Brown's efforts, but the children will find the age of chivalry and the Knights Templar eternally fascinating. I'll be happy to back this and buy it in a year r two for my grandchildren.

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

Sir,

I'm returning your read of Appetites. Thank you again for your support of my work.

Great opening verse.

Chapter one, is well done, the brief moment of battle is compelling.

The last few paragraph of chapter one though feel a little abbreviated. Have shown us Alured's bravery you go on to tell us about the events that follow and it all seems to happen very quickly. I feel Hakim's grattitude to Alured would seem more credible if we'd seen the events leading up to it.

Reading through chapter two this trend continues a little: good opening scene with Hakim and the Templar, but then summarisation of the events of the journey home.

Your scenes are strong, the language here and the story seem appropriate to your target audience, I do feel you could expand your transitions, but this has a lot of potential.

Happy to give it a spin on the shelf.

I put on my profile I am not good with poetry however I understood yours and I liked it I liked the introduction to him becoming a knight, this is done very well, I smiled when I read it. This is a fine story with the Holy Grail included and brought to England by Hakim. I think this written in a way that will enchant young minds. I like this period of history. I will back your book with pleasure.


Tony
Life Bringer

Your poem in the beginning is wonderful, and a great introduction to the novel. Your story rings with knowlege. You know your history. What an exciting way to teach the history of the Crusades.
KC Hart
Summer Rose

In my opinion, there can never be too many books set in the Crusades. It's a fascinating period, glorious and terrible, brave and cruel, and there's so much a good writer with it. You really make it come alive, and it's clear from the first four chapters that this is going to be an exciting tale, a different way of approaching the Grail legends. Nice work! As you revise, keep an eye open for missing commas (especially in dialogue, where I noticed it the most) and see if you can get the feel you want without repeating "Sire" quite so often. Minor quibbles, but both distracted me a bit from your excellent story.

History is my subject and this is great writing especially making history come alive. Children should love it. I have already come to like Hakim and have only read three chapters. Introducing England in 1195 takes us back in time but it is what I call "living time". Its about people and places and happenings. Not dusty old dates and battles to remember and the names of the dead. In this is woven the search for the cave and the Holy Grail in Hakims possession. This is exciting and intriguing. I shall read on. Definitely backed. My book The Shrawley Rabbit is about the life of my Great Grandfather which you kindly backed.

I agree with Terry's comments, some very long sentances. But the book itsself stands on its own merrits. A novel ride through history. Great detail drew me in and kept my interest. I would buy it for my 12 year old grandson. Smashing - well done
Sue Mackender - Knowing Liam Riley

Wonderful.

I daresay some of the sentences are a tad long for a children's book, though, especially as some of these long sentences occur at the beginning. Then I read some more and found the dialogue not only captivating but also easily entertaining for your target audience.

The pace also goes like that (imagine me snapping my fingers a few times). Great fun.

I've found it very hard to stop reading this, but I've got quite a backlog to get through so I'm afraid I must.

Fantastic idea - a novel for kids based on history and mythology with a sorely needed message of racial tolerence. Despite the necessarily simple language, you manage to write with a lot of feeling and convey scenes and personalities very effectively. And I liked the phonetc spellings of the bullies' speech - I think it was necessary to get across their defecit of intellect.

I'm hoping to see the knights burst out of Alderley Edge and set about Wayne and his gang, though I'm not sure if that's the kind of anti-bullying startegy you're really trying to promote!

Good to see Merlin put in an appearence as well - isn't his face supposed to be carved into the rock at Alderley Edge?

So yeah, this is great. Exactly the sort of stuff kids should be encouraged to read.

Backed.

Bob.

Hi H, I like the medieval tone and language. The confidence in Hakim is a story in itself and has me wondering if he'll one day tend back towards his own people. The conjunction of two legends is fascinating - a story of knights that I've not heard before. I wondered if Richard had taken the Grail to the wars? The ideas of chivalry and romance interwoven were especially delighting. Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

H S....
This is brilliant, is sooooo well written....The launguage is consistent throughout ,reflecting the period perfectly.

My 15 year old son is dyslexic, if a story does not keep the pace, even when filling in background, he's done for, the book ends up frizbee'ed on top of his wardrobe......He'd read this....

.. Not only is this a fabulous story but it translates a significant issue in terms of bullying ......

I happened to be in Lichfield in Staffordshire last week....I didn't notice any handsome big warriors, mmm, maybe I should go back.......

In your pitch....Richard de Leon.......should that be Richard de Lion...?

Best of luck with this...

Shelved with pleasure

When I read the title paired with the synopsis I thought, yikes ten and up children? I don't know. I thought for certain it would be over their heads, maybe too much for this age group. This was not the case, I found the writing incredibly accessible for the historical period it encompasses. The writing is really well done, i thought, and I think it would be a tale kids would easily submerse themselves in.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I love this era of history so I was already reeled in when I read the pitch. Then I found that your writing is strong and your idea is extremely interesting and solid. Shelved.

Janice (Blood of Eden)

Good book. Written well. I expect this to continue to rise the charts.

Great beginning: a battle to grab the bloodthirsty young readers. A good length of story for the age group you are writing for, useful and interesting notes at the end. Also a worthy theme which will be relevant to everyone i.e. bullying and racial tolerance.
The only problem I can see is the punctuation, which is seriously lacking e.g. 'Richard de Hastings [comma] the Master of the Knights Templar [comma] led the Saracen Hakim...' This is easily remedied though.
Backed.

great premise for a story....I took some notes and was going to comment on the dialogue, but I see reading some comments that that has been covered.

Otherwise, great job...this book will do well here.

Nigel Hotton - Fatal Disclosure if you are interested in a return read.

An original and exciting plot, as outlined in your pitch. The historic setting of your opening chapters is attractive, and as we get to know Hakim the story becomes more vivid. The legend of Alderley Edge is very interesting, and as you send Hakim off on a quest to find the cave, it acts as a hook to draw us on to read more. This is already gripping, and the move to the present day, and the bullying, adds a lot of reality. Shariff is a very likable character, easy to sympathise with, and your dialogue is realistic and appropriate for the modern youngster. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hi Billy,
This is good fun and kids will love it. - shelved

I have only one piece of advice, which is a repeat of what I was told and did when I first came here.
Try and reduce your dialogue tags to the absolute minimum and trust that your words are strong enough to carry the meaning. Dialogue tags slow the story down. For instance, just scanning up from chapter7, 'apologised Sherrif' is absolutely obvious from the context of the words 'I'm sorry'. 'His mother demanded' is similarly unnecessary. It's your choice, but if you ammend a chapter and read both versions out loud I'm sure you'll reach the same conclusion I did.

All the best with this

John

Nothing like repeating yourself is there? Go away and bother someone else!

Hi Billysiv, as you’ve amended your comment to me, below, I thought it’d be OK if I expanded on mine. I certainly am not anal about apostrophes and hence why I’ve never mentioned them before in other reviews (and I've done a lot)...so, hence perhaps there was a reason I did so now..?! I was also only commenting on something which I’m sure you comment on/correct in your pupils’ work; same thing with the commas. I've had things pointed out to me - such as incorrect punctuation and using too many dialogue adverbs - and was trying to point out things which might help to improve your story, as I am hoping to improve mine, with the help of readers’ comments.

I appreciate the point about KS2 English and the need to encourage children not only to use ‘said’. However, I still feel that if you pruned some of the dialogue qualifiers, used them more sparingly and for denoting the method/emotion etc. etc. of the speaker, as opposed to reiterating what the speaker said, it would both clear the text and give the dialogue and the remaining qualifiers, far greater impact. For e.g:

‘ “Sir, I thank you for your aid...,” the Knight thanked Alured.’

- to me, that merely repeats the dialogue and therefore lessens its impact, whilst cluttering the text: having every piece of dialogue so adorned, makes for a very ‘rich’ read which, IMO, soon becomes a ‘sickly-rich’ read. My opinion, which, of course, you are perfectly entitled to ignore and totally disagree with, but I thought other people’s opinions and comments was what we'd both come to this site for and so I certainly wasn't trying to pick a fight! Good luck with your book, Carolyn