PHUZAMANZI – THE MIND SHAPER

Phuzamanzi the Mindshaper fascinated me - not least because I'm a fan of Asimov's Robot stories and I wasn't sure whether to take you seriously when you claimed the three laws for your own. This is a highly original and imaginative work. You write powerfully and evoke your characters and their environment vividly, and above all you have the technique to create your worldview quickly and convincingly, so I'm not left wondering about telepathy and visions - I just accept that they exist and enjoy the story. No nitpicks here; I'll back this with pleasure and thanks for the enjoyable read.

This is so completely different...I've certainly never read anything like it on Authonomy. The Zulu theme, the names, the nomenclature, are all new, to me at least, and represent a completely new genre. The writing style is dry and laid back and to my mind compares well to Alexander McCall Smith. Backed.

Hi Robin, I really enjoyed the prologue had a magical feel to it, the stalker being stalked and the little asides were really intriguing. The next chapter is great and you really captured the Zulu culture, I didn't actually think this was sci fi when I read it. The Aborigines are a magical people and are know for their powers of the mind so I thought perhaps so were the Zulu's, this doesnt feel like sci fi to me and I think that is good, this is a magical piece of storytelling and it's on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Hi Robin, The insights into the protagonist and the description of everyday life made this informative and visual for me. The training of the sangoma was especially fascinating and Phuzamanzi’s reluctant journey to the outside was written with warmth. It had the feeling of folklore and that converging with the city culture sets up a revealing plot. The prose and portrayal of Phuzamanzi’s dilemmas is mesmerizing! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

original, imaginative, solid world and characters and mind powers are always entertaining. Backed with pleasure.

It's rare to find such a wonderfully rich addition to the genre. It's unique and distinct in a field riddled with similar themes. The writing style is relaxed and easy to read without losing the readers interest, and the detail is superb.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Hi Robin,

The way you bring your story to life in the reader's mind is nothing short of amazing. I know very little about the Zulu culture or their people and history. After reading your book though I don't feel like such a stranger to the culture anymore. Your characters are vivid and memorable, and your ability to take the reader to another place through descriptive writing is flawless. Thanks for a great and enjoyable read.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

This seems to have all the right elements... an original and very inventive premise, engaging characters, an easy natural rhythm... it has a very readable style. But what appeals to me most is the feeling of realism in both the narrative and the dialogue. I would buy this book and make it a part of my collection.
Backed
Rodney

Robin, your prologue and first chapter are a smooth read. Nothing to nitpick in these two sections.

Good job overall. Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Privelidged to read and support this marvellous book.
Congratulations on a sparkling and attractive story.
( in the 'about me'...'length' not 'ength')
Best of luck with it...........mikegilli The Free.

Backed with Pleasure! Jocelyn E. Morris ( Bore No More)

Must confess have only read as far as ch 2 (incl.) but time being what it is will comment anyway. My first impression was of how funny it is and how adorable the urgency that the village might run out of tobacco. It's like a garden of Eden where nothing bad has happened and no one is tempted to break any laws - though of course they will. Your writing is without strain, I don't know about on you, but certainly on the reader. It's an ambience, nothing to do with technicalities of character and setting (you must know you've mastered those), a sort of love and compassion that makes us want to read about your world. Now I sound silly but I'm sure you know what I mean. Brilliant. Backed. Lynn

Phuzamanzi:

Robin,

This is wonderful. A real find - recommended to me by Dawn DeRemer.

You could only have written this from knowing the particular part of the country in which it is set, and having personal contact with the people and their customs. Mere research could not have given you such an amazing insight into the nuances of the characteristics of the Zulu race.

I hardly feel equipped to say much about the actual concept of this novel, as I have not read it all. (It's going to stay on my watch list until I have read it all). But can this really be categorized as Science Fiction? Isn't it more about the genuine power of the mind that occurs in very rare cases in people who are uncommonly sensitive? Who have a special need in themselves to help others and because of this are more aware than others of those needs and can anticipate them? And because of their unique personality, actually direct them towards what is right? I will no doubt find out later.

As for the writing, I found it a real pleasure to read. The prose flows like a mountain stream and there's a perfect blend of action, dialogue and exposition - and perfect syntax. Dialogue is crisp and realistic. The various voices are well delineated, and the characterisation excellent.

I am backing this with a great deal of pleasure.

Sheila (Pinpoint)

OMG your work is BRILLIANT!!! It crosses lines of social, racial and cultural barriers to reach into the spiritual heart of the reader. More than that, it teaches subtle arts of philosophical thinking that can make even the most obtuse individual start to consider looking inward. And the overlaying philosophy of harm none and allow no harm through your actions. I often have trouble reading Christian work because they can't get away from archaic Bible thumping, but this...oh what a treasure you have written.
Your work is stunningly beautiful with a total economy of words, yet vivid details emerge by the well chosen words you use. Your writing craft is clean and professional and doesn't waste effort on trying to be "fancy"
It sticks to getting the point and picture across and does it with excellence.
I would recommend your work to anyone and intend to do so!
Dawn De Remer (Golden Moon)

What an imaginative story. Good characters. Good settings. A good read. I"m adding this to my book shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I'm not any sort of expert, but do you need a prologue? This same material could easily go into the early chapters, wherein you show his training. Just plunge right in with him doing his face-plant into the river and getting his name, and carry along as you have done. Many books on this site do have prologues, but a lesser proportion of those on library or bookshop shelves have them.
Interesting differences between Zulu and Swazi culture (with which I am familiar) and between the training you describe and the actual present day training of Swazi sangomas - often women. Also, I know Nonqwase as a Xhosa female name, didn't know it was also a man's name. I think you have a winning mix of adventure, culture, and speculative fiction here.
phil 'Eland Dances'

PHUZAMANZI

Glad you explained how to pronounce this or I would have still been on the first page.
I remember meeting a Sangoma (always thought is was Songoma, I’m glad to be put right on this) they had a mobile phone, threw me for weeks.
I very much liked your story I was totally absorbed, more then most. The way you introduce and develop the insight in to the culture is a magical mythical revelation.
This is so good!!

This is very well presented well writtenstuff. It fascinates the reader to read on. I like fiction that employs the metaphysical, especially when it is tied to culture and tradition. Great read. Doug (Wages of Sin: Ninety Days)

Robin, having lived in Botswana for some years I can see and hear ehoes of that place in your writing. You have a deft touch and, although the names and places have a certain familiarity, I was entranced by your story. Well written, different and engaging. In all, a good coffee break read. Jim Darcy The Firelord's crown

Hi Robin, captivating theme, clean writing.
on my shelf.
your story is fully engaging once you get past the first para. i wonder if you could insert that info elsewhere? i have no problem with the 3 laws.
a very picky editing thought re the 2nd sent of your prologue. maybe shorten it.
"... carried no weapon, offensive or defensive." - maybe just "... and carried no weapon."
best wishes, andy

Such an interesting story! It's something different and that is exactly what I look for! A very visual writer, you really know how to engage the reader and bring them into the story. I really enjoyed this!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

i didn't really buy the Asimov 3 laws thing. There are obvious reasons why robots have those laws, and it isn't for the benefit of the robots. I couldn't figure why a society would have those rules so from the start of the story I was a little miffed. That's juist a personal thing, I'm just letting you know where my head was at as I read.

I found the writing in the prologue was a little too mannered, making it read stilted. It's consistent and your word choices and sentence structure makes sense, but I found it very hard to read with any flow. you also tended, imo, to focus on what seem like irrelevant details that don't seem to make sense. The smoke, which you describe as a slight haze, doesn't affect his eyes - why would it? They're outside and he's quite a distance away.

Because not much is hapening in that bit, other than him stalkig the old guy, I think maybe you're overcompensating, trying to add interesting words or descriptions. Or maybe not. I only say that becasue once you have more going on, in the following chapter, it all reads a lot smoother and flows very nicely.

I have no problem with what happens in that first part, the things you reveal, how you reveal them, and the dialogue in general, all works very well. The prologue just didn't read as well as the rest, which read very well.

Very good overall though. Happy to back.

cheers,
mood

Nice pitch and a good start start to a novel that promises to be a little different. I like the writing style as well. Shelved.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

I smiled at 'the number of dried memento's'.

Other than that, this looks really interesting, certainly different....

well written too, I think it will do well on here.

backed

Lorri

This looks fascinating - only read the prologue up to now, but enjoyed immensely. Backed and good luck
Hatts

Hi Robin, The insights into the protagonist and the description of everyday life made this informative and visual for me. The training of the sangoma was especially fascinating and Phuzamanzi’s reluctant journey to the outside was written with warmth. It had the feeling of folklore and that converging with the city culture sets up a revealing plot. The prose and portrayal of Phuzamanzi’s dilemmas is mesmerizing! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Each character has a unique voice and that is a rare treat.
The writing is very good; it allowed me to be absorbed into the story
I liked the premise of this story
You set the beginning up very well and I think the story may have a universal appeal
I was pulled in deeper into your carefully constructed story as the dilologue pushed forward
The quick pace of the dialogue makes reading the entire story effortless
I hope to see you in the top five soon (I'm positive it will)
Best wishes
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

What a great title, pulled me over. Loved the intro too, backed

You have achieved making a genre I am not a fan of capture my interest. The characters that people your novel are engaging, well rounded, believable individuals. You have set up your story well. Information to help the reader understand rules and background are well drawn.

With my editor's head on I see two disciplines of the craft of writing which you need to address. One is head-hopping, the other is, you sometimes slip into a passive voice. For this latter seek out the times you have used, 'was' and turn the sentence around to become active.

It is a tribute to your talent as an entertaining writer that these do not detract from the enjoyment of your work, but if they were attended to, your work will gain tension and pace and shine from the page.

Head hopping: If you keep the point of view with one character during a scene you will stop taking your reader into the head of each character after each thing they say, to tell us: they smiled or thought this or that or reacted in this or that way, before we can read on.

These observations are for your reader's imgination. It is better to stimulate the senses of your reader, rather than tell them every feeling etc..

In this edit of a very small part of your work, I hope you can see for yourself how your words paint a picture for your reader. They will imagine the expressions and hear the words in their head so will know how they are spoken, they will be involved. The point of view should stay with the boy.

'But..but, Ndabezita, I am too young to become such an improtant Sa...'

'Do not question my decision. You have been chosen. You have shown you have a quick mind and will be able to keep our Awunagama traditions alive... Phuzamanzi, the time has come to stop playing practical jokes... No more mice in the stew...'

Equal parts of terror, resentment and excitement shudering through Phuzamanzi.

'Go now and prepare yourself,'

Phuzamanzi backed away.

I am not asking you to agree this is the way your work should be written, you have your own style. I am just showing you how the same scene can be written more econimically.

Nothing is lost, but what is gained is your reader has been allowed to use their own imagination, the pace is quicker as they have had to read far less to get from a to b and they are not bogged down with a lot of stuff they already know.

I hope I have helped in some small way as this is my intention. If I can be of further help, contact me. I have a blog with creative writing tips, the address is on my profile. My very best wishes, Mary.

I've read the first three chapters and I'm enjoying this. You have a very light touch with characterization and a dry humor that I like a lot. Inkosi Nonqwase made me laugh a few times, and so did Phuzamanzi, especially his wanting to spend his twilight years after 25 drinking beer and lounging. And I like what you're doing with the language, scattering Zulu words in here and there. The only place I wondered was when you use abelungu, umlungu, and ulungu all together, like they're all the same word. I think I know what's going on here because I know a little about Bantu languages, but I'm not sure that it wouldn't puzzle someone who didn't. And every now and then, especially at the beginning, it feels like I'm reading a book about Zulu traditions rather than a novel, but it's all interesting information, so that may be fine.

PHUZAMANZI – THE MIND SHAPER
Robin G Piper

Robin,

I read your pitches, prologue and chapter 1. I thought your short pitch was especially good, “Over time, the Zulu gardener, Phuzamanzi, has learned to harness the power of his mind” as it made me curious to discover how Phuzamanzi came to this talent and how he used it in the circumstances outlined in your long pitch. I thought the note before the prologue was very helpful and gave your story, perhaps a basis in reality, which I found thought-provoking. The prologue itself was good creating interest in your story and chapter 1 also intrigued me. I like your setting, which to me is unusual and therefore very fresh and interesting. The idea of the sangoma, the names you used, the traditions and so on were very interesting and quite stimulating really - intelligent writing which is always enduring. I think you have a good original plot here, matched by equally good use of language and I look forward to reading more when I have some free time to see how you explore further your absorbing themes.

Best wishes for success Robin.

Zan

Hi Robin, I really enjoyed the prologue had a magical feel to it, the stalker being stalked and the little asides were really intriguing. The next chapter is great and you really captured the Zulu culture, I didn't actually think this was sci fi when I read it. The Aborigines are a magical people and are know for their powers of the mind so I thought perhaps so were the Zulu's, this doesnt feel like sci fi to me and I think that is good, this is a magical piece of storytelling and it's on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Robin
Read chapters 1, 2 and 8. Very different and ultimately interesting piece of work and choice for fantasy/fiction. Found the part where Sandile teaching Phuzamanzi to eye read amusing, how he would concentrate so hard he would not blink. And when asked what he 'read' in people he said 'irritation'. Intelligent, well written. Can see you're rightly doing well too. On my shelf. Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

Loved the prologue. I find your writing style to be very compact, and you use just the right words to convey exactly what you mean. I found the idea intriguing, but the cultural references, and other odd things I didn't know held me as the story unfolded. I saw the humour--and it definitely struck me as paranormal--but maybe I didn't read far enough in to catch the scifi feel of the story. Very nice conflict, super premise, and a very unique way to tell a story.
Gerry
DCA

I've read a great deal about the Zulus, from "The Washing of the Spears" to the works of Ian Knight, but always it focused on the warrior. This was such a change and such a wonderful insight into an aspect of their culture I had no knowledge of. Something I am ashamed to admit.
Backed with pleasure

A very instructive and well-written work. Glad to have backed it. Good Luck with it.

Comments on Chapter 1...

What I like about this is the original setting and character. The shaman prologue is interesting. We've seen the master-servant routine before in fiction and film, of course, but there's always room for one more, especially of this esoteric kind.

The only complaint I have is a slight (and I mean slight) tendency to over-stuff your sentences. By this, I mean sometimes you might use too many words.

Eg. "Scuttled rapidly." - can you scuttle anything but rapidly?

Eg. "A loud clamour of agreement rang out". I would argue the "loud" means the same thing as "rang out".

E.g. "The short spear in Nonqwase's hand moved a fraction..." could be "Nonqwase moved his spear slightly..."

It wouldn't take a large adjustment, but perhaps look at each sentence and see if you can lose a word or two (or even a clause) and still convey your meaning - more a case of a light use of 'delete' rather than rewriting, I think. In doing this, I think you would add efficiency, pace and clarity.

Overall, an original concept and setting, and good enough for a run on my shelf. Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

Yeah, Asimov must have visited those parts and stole his laws for robots from the east coast of Africa. The prologue is interesting, reminiscent of Casteneda. "Good try, Phuzamanzi, but it's back to your studies, I'm afraid." I like the atmosphere. I'm glad you are sharing this world with your readers. It reminds me a little of the novel "Return to Laughter" written by the anthropologist Elenore Bowen, but more mystical. I want to read a lot more of this when I get a little more time. "Excuse me, boss. You need expert grass cutter? Also weeding and planting?" The plot thickens. Shelved with pleasure.

Your story is interesting. You do a great job describing the setting and culture. I can see the challenges in his life taking shape, but, through chapter 3, I don't see what his main goal is at this point.

I'm not sure if I would categorize this as science fiction. Perhaps if he had mental powers because of a device, experimental surgery or aliens, then I could see it. I think this fits into paranormal or maybe fantasy.

Either way, this is pretty good so I'll support it.

Brian
The Centauri Generation

This is so completely different...I've certainly never read anything like it on Authonomy. The Zulu theme, the names, the nomenclature, are all new, to me at least, and represent a completely new genre. The writing style is dry and laid back and to my mind compares well to Alexander McCall Smith. Backed.

Robin
I found this to be very well written and evocative - clean and professional, way above the authonomy norm!
My concern is with the plot, and my fear that it may have elements of "Bambi v Godzilla", in other words, if Phuzamanzi is too all powerful, there can be no conflict, and as a result the story becomes boring. So my only caution is to ensure that his powers are circumscribed in some way (kryptonite removes Superman's powers) so that the conflict is more equal and we as reader can not be sure our hero will succeed.
I like it a lot, and enjoyed it.
Frank

Phuzamanzi the Mindshaper fascinated me - not least because I'm a fan of Asimov's Robot stories and I wasn't sure whether to take you seriously when you claimed the three laws for your own. This is a highly original and imaginative work. You write powerfully and evoke your characters and their environment vividly, and above all you have the technique to create your worldview quickly and convincingly, so I'm not left wondering about telepathy and visions - I just accept that they exist and enjoy the story. No nitpicks here; I'll back this with pleasure and thanks for the enjoyable read.

One teeny question, did you mean a 'whim of iron' or 'will of iron'? That apart and I only comment as a reader, this is a excellent read and one I'm happy to back. Margaret.

Definitely whim! And thanks for your kind comments

It was the word Zulu that really interested me since all things African draw me like a magnet. I wasn't disappointed. You clearly have a great deal of knowlege about the way of life etc or you have done careful research, whichever it shines through.
Your writing style is impressive, nothing wasted on 'flowery' prose,words carefully chosen for their individual power and particularly effective for description. This is a powerful story and one that is not only well written but interesting factually too.
One teeny question, did you mean a 'whim of iron' or 'will of iron'? That apart and I only comment as a reader, this is a excellent read and one I'm happy to back. Margaret.

Thank you for your read of Matty :)
This has an interesting title, are you planning to have a book cover? I think it would make it stand out - Bradley Wind does some great ones free. I really enjoyed your style of writing - every word is important and you don't waste any, this means the whole moves along well. I like the insights into life in the village and Phuzamanzi is a well drawn character. On my shelf and I will try to read on if I can - I'm interested to see how the story pans out.
Bests,
AP
(Matty McDuff)

Robin,
An odd, yet trulu unique voice in this work.
Well done.
MickR - The NIghtcrawler

A truly fascinating book, very nicely written. Gladly shelved. Jedward (Knut)

Hi! Your book is great - most enjoyable. Your long pitch lets it down. You are trying to get folk to read your work so jazz it up a bit - no need to give too much away - just whet appitites. Just an idea, I liked your book so I have backed it and given it time on my shelf.
Best wishes, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

Thanks Jane (and Jared by proxy). I'm now enjoying authonomy and have definitely started to benefit from insightful comments. Again thanks.

Robin Piper
Phuzamanzi

Unique, and a sheer delight to read! Backed with pleasure.

This is really lovely writing. I'm not reading that much since Walker got its gold star (my eyes got a little worn out) but sometimes I just can't resist. Jared tipped me the wink that this might be my game and he's absolutely right. I'm assuming a sangoma is a kind of shaman?
I've read the first few chapters and have nothing by way of crit, I fear. It's just very beautifully done and I'm happy to give it my backing and you my congratulations.
Jane

btw, I'm not looking for return reads.

Robin, I confess the pitches didn't really entice me but I'm so glad I didn't turn away as this is some of the most beguiling writing I've come across on this site. You use words economically but so precisely - a true wordsmith who clearly knows the power of sound and syllable. Love the stalking game in the prologue - the training of a sangoma.
'Zulu boys were in this comfortable state' - "were" seems a little bare/ordinary for you somehow.....sure there is something better. Just a thought.
Chapter One: "but the women" is repeated in very close proximity.
I imagine that purists would question whether Phuzamanzi would think in terms of "the environs of the village" or whether as a young boy he would talk about "adult cynicism" - but then you don't follow a strict third person POV, it's intermingled with some omniscient narrator and I actually think it works really well for this story, giving it a timeless quality.
This is a book I would read in paperback form. No question at all. I'd suggest you consider those pitches a little as I just don't think they do this lovely tale any favours. You need a cover too, same reason. Very clever and imaginative writing, beautifully composed.
Backed, emphatically.
Jared.

Very original and well thought out. Most enjoyable. Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

An excellent book, with a plot as outlined in the pitch which is interesting and unusual. Phuzamanzi is a very likable character. The opening scene, where he is practising his new skills by trying to creep up on the elder unseen, and touch him, is both exciting and amusing. Then you give us a beautifully detailed picture of life in the village, culminating in Phuzamanzi being chosen for very special training. We already have some idea that this includes becoming invisible, creating deceptive beings as a distraction, and so on. You write in a fluent polished style, and your humour, as well as your descriptive skill, shines through consistently. This is a very enjoyable book. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.