Grumblebug and Me

A good book, with nice cover. the weird man, cudly beatrown, the house. overal good story.

Could not read chapter 12 because of the colour.

Diane

This is a very nice story. I can see a lot of parents reading it to their children just before bedtime and those children dreaming of a wonderland they can travel to while asleep. It's a pity Authonomy can't provide the illustrations - are they available on another website? If so could you put up a link so that the readers can view the entire book?
Well done on the fabulous story.

Diane

This is a very nice story. I can see a lot of parents reading it to their children just before bedtime and those children dreaming of a wonderland they can travel to while asleep. It's a pity Authonomy can't provide the illustrations - are they available on another website? If so could you put up a link so that the readers can view the entire book?
Well done on the fabulous story.

Diane,
This is fabulous children's fiction- comical and exciting, sweet an interesting, mysterious and clear.
I will give you a longer review when I have more time. For now, I must say that I would gladly give this to my children to read, which is the highest compliment I can pay it.
High stars.
Best,
Maeve

Hi Diane,

So far, I've read the opening chapters of this and I completely loved it. You keep it simple and friendly, perfect for kids. Your details are sufficient and your dialogue is realistic and easy to read. I loved the narrator's voice! There's never really a dull moment which is always good in a kid's book. One little boring scene and I would've given up reading. That odd little man is a very interesting character...I wasn't really sure who or what he was exactly but I still found him likable.

I loved it, highly starred! :)

I am happy to have come across Grumblebug and Me. I love the idea its so quirky and fun I still need to read more Highly starred your on my watchlist.

Grumblebug and Me, opens with a very simple premise; A mother and child in a garden of sorts, and the mother begins to remember her childhood, and a unique experience she had rises from her memories. What follows will get the attention of every child!

I'm not used to critiquing childrens stories, but I am a picky reader, especially my own work, so it's hard not to edit as I go. I assume the writers here are looking for serious and honest reviews. Of course, everything I point out is my opinion and can be rejected entirely. I hope Diane will take my thoughts as honest things which held me up. Not to say that they may be my own personal opinions and not necessarily shared by anyone else. I enjoyed the first chapter and look forward to reading more.

Grumblebug & Me; By Diane Bader

- With my eyes I traced the.... (not sure the age of the readers here, but I wondered if "...realized a host of thoughts and emotions..." might be said in simpler terms, that is, if it's being read to young children...)
- I became hypnotized, as if..... (In this paragraph, the word "house" is used four times. Personally, I would try some different words to describe the "house". IE: home, cottage, place, structure. etc.)
(A couple things at this point. The transition wasn't totally clear as the "mother" suddenly is the child hearing her own mother calling. Might be confusing to a child. Also, not sure why there are so many spaces between paragraphs...?)
- I made myself as small and flat as.... (Notice there are a lot of "I's" in this paragraph. A personal nit-pick for me when reading in the first person. It's hard not to use "I" but I'd recommend re-writing so that it's not overused. Quick example: I had to be careful so as not to be seen.)
- What was it? It looked like it was.... (I've been taught not to use the word "it" as well as others. "It", imo, is better replaced with what "it" is... There are many times when I do use the word but I try to do so sparingly. Quick example: What was that scratching? I thought I saw someone, but they were too small to be a grown-up.
- I must have looked like such a fool, gaping the way I did, but I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. (A "one sentence paragraph" with four "I's". I won't continue to mentions the I's, but I recommend going through the manuscript and finding wherever they can be removed. Quick example: I must have looked like such a fool, gaping at the small creature, but I just couldn't believe my eyes.)
- One of the stones at the base.... (Imo, this reads awkwardly. Recommend editing this to make it smoother. IE: One of the stones at the base of the wall appeared to have been moved, creating a small doorway!)
- Apart from his backpack and overalls.... (Couple things here. Don't remember the mention of her size, so "...his size was pretty close to mine..." leaves me wondering what that is? Also, I always look for things that don't move the story forward, or, don't need to be there. In this case, a few things. To tighten it up, here's an example:
He wore overalls and carried a backpack, and might easily be mistaken for a child, except that he was covered with fur. When he smiled, his ears lay back and his large eyes glowed. He looked like a cross between a cuddly bear and an owl!
(Just a thought. When reading, I'm continually distracted by the different gaps between paragraphs. Personally, I would suggest the accepted spacing after each paragraphs by just hitting enter ... or at least keep them all the same, as the spaces vary. Also, using a margin or tab at the beginning of each paragraph might be a consideration... with all the varying spaces, it feels as though the writer isn't concerned with making it read professionally. This might seem picky, but I wonder how many readers will also be distracted because of this.
- He was still attending to what he was doing.... (I'm confused here. She said to him, "Who are you?!" Then he responded by repeating, "I am glad that you were not hurt in the fall." Then she says, "Not liking to be ignored...". It seems he didn't ignore her but rather just didn't tell her what she wanted to hear...who was he? Just saying, this might seem confusing to some...
- Was he repairing the stone.... (Recommend deleting "suddenly" in this paragraph. )
- Abruptly, he asked,... (recommend deleting "Abruptly". Maybe: "So," he asked, "would you like to see?" Just trying to get rid of some adverbs you don't need...
- "Oh well. Maybe you are not the one then." He sighed, picked himself up, (AND?) gathered his backpack.
- Not wanting him to go, I blurted out... (Recommend changing "blurted" as she very recently "blurted" already.)
Finally, I believe the author is trying to keep a simple flow with all the short lines but I wonder if it will actually read smoother if some of them were "bundled" up into fuller paragraphs...?
Thanks, Diane, for sharing!!!

What a nice read. Enchanting and funny.
Just like the good books, I remember as a child.
I love your two main characters, they are jolly and well thought out.
I like your main idea and also I love the title.
Well done.

Hi Diane,

I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

First, I love, love, LOVE the title. Perfect.

In your short pitch, “a” should be capitalized, and that emdash (which is too many dashes, by the way. An emdash is two dashes, a hyphen is one) isn’t needed and doesn’t do much for you. I’d replace it with a comma.

I’d replace the exclamation with a period. They’re overused.

“A mother gazing out a window in her backyard.” For a pitch, the first line is very important. This isn’t much of a hook.

“In meeting Grumblebug…” This whole sentence doesn’t work, because you’ve connected two subordinate clauses without an independent clause. Needs a rewrite.

Not sure why you’re breaking up thoughts into separate paragraphs. Makes for a choppy read.

I absolutely love the premise, but this pitch needs a good, hard scrub to be honest. Nothing to fret. Most of the pitches on Authonomy aren’t the best. Frankly, I don’t think mine’s all that spectacular, though I’d like to think it’s improved from what it was following some great advice and feedback from reviewers on the site.

Chapter one

Great imagery right off the bat. One small thing, in the second paragraph, you say “sky” twice in the same sentence. Change it up a bit to avoid redundancy. Maybe “…by the second with wisps of cloud drifting lazily by.”
Again, you break up thoughts too much. I think paragraphs two, three and four need to be the same paragraph.
I’m having a hard time with the image of eyes tracing the stones. Studied? Surveyed? Followed? I dunno. Might just be me, but that one doesn’t sit well with me.

The semicolon in the fourth paragraph isn’t the best punctuation there. Semicolons are generally used in lists or to separate independent clauses. A comma would work best here.

Be careful not to overuse “ly” adverbs.

What a fun start, and what an intriguing world you create. Some of the images are wonderful, and really fit with your narrator’s voice. My biggest advice is to tighten the writing. There’s some wordiness in there, and also you have a tendency to break EVERYTHING up into multiple paragraphs when they best fit as one paragraph. I’m all for parsing things out, but every sentence or two doesn’t warrant a whole new paragraph. Keep single thoughts together, unless there’s dialogue in between.

I’m really not an expert on children’s books, but I think it still needs some scrubbing. That said, the storytelling and plot are excellent. And I really love your voice. Kids will love this.

Best of luck!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

The first chapter is interesting and fun. I think we have all had imaginary friends growing up and this brought out the child in me as I read, but as I went on, I began to wonder if the odd little man was in fact the MC's imagination or real. I know I will have to come back and read on when I have more time to find out.

I am not good with critiques and I spend more time on the story and plot itself than I do looking for mistakes. The only thing that jumped out at me was about the middle of the first chapter where the MC meets the little man. It seemed repetitive as she waited for him to answer. You could fill that in there perhaps with her watching him as he worked. Describe his work as she waited. Other than that all I can suggest is to remove some of the white space between your lines. It's very distracting. I would only leave a few lines between the present and the future and tighten the rest.

I found your first chapter interesting enough to place this on my watchlist. I want to read more before adding anything else to my comments. I hope this was helpful and I wish you lots of luck with your book.

Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies
Beautiful Disaster
The Other Road

Okay, I read through the Chapter 12 and then to Chapter 13...that I see is "missing." I like this a lot. Never seen anything quite like it. You make the reader a part of your journey making this public safety commissioner "real." They're even taking pages from the book! A really nice touch. How did it come to you? Good luck! Also, I like the purple font.

Best,

Ashley

Grumblebug and Me
Firstly let me say that I don’t really know much about books for children, other than my memories of reading them out loud. I read quite a bit of this but please remember that this is essentially uninformed opinion.

Title: My feeling was that you need change in the structure of this book and that that would need to appear right away in the title. I can see the emotional appeal of the ‘remembered childhood’ aspect but, frankly, I can’t see it as helping with selling the idea. So I would drop the ‘and Me’ bit.

Short pitch: following this theme I would drop the childhood memory aspect and leave just a short grabby sentence about the Grumblebug.

Long Pitch: You see those first two sentences – there is nothing there for a child. You need a heroine, a name. ‘Our heroine’ is no good at all. You want something that a child could be – it doesn’t have to be a current name, kids accept all sorts of nonsense, take Cinderella, for example. And this pitch is way too long. You just need a simple brief one paragraph description that says what kind of story it is. Details not needed.

C1 et seq: I would cut it all to the sentence: “Don’t wander too far,” and put a memorable name in. So, “Don’t wander too far Petronella,” said my mum. That sort of thing. I simply don’t know if at 1085 words this is the right sort of length for a chapter. I felt some of your word choices were a bit too old for what I suppose to be your target age group.

Overall I think you have written a good little story but I would say you need to remove the extra layer of complexity and just go for the basic story. Also you are disadvantaged on Authonomy by the lack of visual appeal. I remember how important this was to the kids when you read to them – they love the pictures. Now you have an illustrator whom I presume did the colourful cover you have posted. You can show the illustrations if you have them – you could even number them appropriately for chapters – just post them on one of those several picture sites and put the links in the book on Autho.

i loved, just loved, your colourful book cover. i think kids will be drawn to that one hundred percent. your title is cute and i really do think it fits well with this story. your dialogue seems so natural and not forced which compliments really nicely with the way you describe things. its not difficult to read and flows easily. your pitches were good too. i think youve captured your voice well for your audience. the only thing i would suggets is capatilizing your short pitch at the beginning.
i wish you the very of luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

This read like a published book to me. I loved it and the title is fun and entertaing. I think it is something that kids would gravitate towards. I can tell you have a vivid imagination already and am looking forward to learning more about your characters as the plot develops. So far your writing holds a lot of promise for me and it is already entertaining and I believe kids will love your descriptions of the characters actions. Just little things like, "cocked his head sideways, and said...." are what makes the story believable. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to see where this will go!

Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

‘I let my mind wander . . .” That’s me and from that point on I was hooked to your character. Also, I instantly fell in love with your description. I could visually see the metaphor of their home and hill. I could see that bald man.

Your writing has such a nice flow. It really makes you transition from one paragraph to another very well. I didn’t have any problems with the chapter and the last line of the chapter said it all. We just have to find out. Perfect. What’s nice is how your voice and dialogue work together. None of them go away from each other. In a weird way it was like reading poetry. 6 stars. Can’t back you because I need to give the books I have on my shelf now some time.

Hi Diane,
Hope my comments are helpful, but bear in mind that I don't write children's books and it's been a few years since I read any!
I wondered about the choice of starting off with the mother. I think this appeals to adults, but right at the beginning of a book, I think it's important that a child identifies with a character, and they will have trouble identifying with a grown up... Maybe the reason for the choice becomes clearer later on, or maybe that's how it came to you... but I wonder, ir you really need it, if you could add it elsewhere ... "years later she would remember all this as she looked out of the window..." or whatever... (If you started with the past you could also get rid of the cumbersome past perfect tense)
Great title, though - I agree with a previous poster - and plenty of potential for a fab story children can get lost in.

I just love old Grumble and I could see this character catching on with the public. My suggestion is to keep building on old Grumble. This is a very popular genre and if the kids like it, they will pester their parents to death. Yes, i also think third person narrative would be more effective here. Great buildup in the first chapter and this book gets stronger. Yes, some grammar mistakes but frankly, I don't delve into that since that is something a sharp editor can fix.

Great story for children...love the title...love the idea of passage ways...all the best Julia x

Grumblebug and Me by Diane Bader, illustrations by Don Percassi


Hi Diane,

I'm maybe not best placed to review this given the age group and my unfamiliarity with writing for this age group, but I'll share my thoughts from my perspective and maybe there will be something worth reflecting on. 
 Quite possibly though that will not be the case and feel free to disregard the below.

I really like the new cover.

From what I've read you have the basis of a very nice story. I haven't read far enough to see how the plot develops, but the early signs see good and interesting. For me the piece would be lifted if you did a couple of things, and again this really is just one man's opinion.


If the short early section is put into the present tense it will be much more evocative.


If you considered shifting the rest of the narrative to third person. Imagine if this was being read out to a young child. Imagine how much better it would work in third person. And also, very importantly, being in third person will let you write with more expression, description and metaphor, which is a little lacking at the moment. Maybe then you might as well be able to find and give more of what is inside you as a writer. It makes no difference what age group your audience is, there is a way to bring good writing and interesting ideas to them.



Maybe try my suggestion just with the first chapter and see how it feels..


I can see you have had a lot of positive reviews and I wish you the very best with this. Thank you for sharing it and allowing my rambling thoughts here :).



Best,



John

Diane,
I like the narrative style of Grumblebug and Me. It's childish in its simplicity as it should be to attract young readers who would relish such a fantastic account filled with unexpected adventure.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

- Grumblebug and Me -

(Chapters 1-6)

I'm not in a good position to judge books written for children as I wouldn't have the skills to write one myself but I did find this to be an enjoyable and imaginative read and I can imagine kids getting into it. The story kicks into gear when we meet the odd little fellow and the trip underground is full of nice visuals and interesting hooks to keep the reader involved in an unusual story.

I made some editorial notes which I hope will be of some use, these coming in chapters 1-4.

Chapter 1

- I was unsure about the formatting with 'I had been' and then 'distracted' appearing further down the page. I assume, however, this has something to do with the authonomy upload or their being pictures in the original rather than a fault in the manuscript. I mention it just in case.

Chapter 2

- There seems to be an errant space in 'glowing with the reflections of the torches'.

Chapter 3

- There should be a comma after 'ow' in 'Ow stupid wall'.

Chapter 4

-'without anything much to loose....' Should be 'lose'.

-'picturing me crawling'. Should it be 'myself'?


Overall, this is cleanly put together and very well written. As I say, I'm not best placed to judge but I can imagine kids loving it, especially the more Grumblebuggy elements.....

All the best with it,

Ross

I've read Chapters 1 to 5 and think you have an interesting story and one that would make children wide-eyed. Your grammar is good and the characters so far- the heroine, old Grumble, the slidges and Nathan seem to have specific roles. I would have liked to know more about Old Grumble and the heroine earlier on in the story as I felt the pace was rather slow from Chapters 2 to 4.

Reading, or better say, re-reading your story gives me so much pleasure I can't help smiling :)
Ingenious and evocative. Well done, Diane!

Sincerely Yours,
Ivan

Once she met the odd little fellow, I became interested. I wanted to know who or what he was. I also wanted to know what he meant by "the one." These are perfect hooks for the target audience. I also like the way you ease into the fantasy elements. You do a good job of capturing the voice of a kid, and you stay in character throughout the opening. I love the premise of this. While this type of story has been done before, from your pitch it sounds like you put a unique, exciting twist on it. The world you've built is strong enough to stand on its own. Well done.

Suggestions: I would reword the sentence that begins, "In a blue summer..." to avoid repeating sky. The semicolon is misused. You have to follow a semicolon with an independent clause (complete sentence). It's a little unclear where her friend comes from at the beginning. One second she's watching her daughter, the next she's saying it had been years since his last visit. The em-dashes in the sentence that begins, "The sound..." aren't necessary. I'd work on the formatting. The spacing made this difficult to follow at times.

As a whole, this was a strong opening. A careful edit and polish will make this even better. Good start!

Hello Diane,
Enjoyed reading this morning while I had my coffe and oatmeal. Grumblebug is a great name very catchy. Loved the description of the house as an ol man/ friar Tuck-like.

You have a great premise. The following is only my opinion as an "unpublished" hack of a writer, so disregard if you believe the suggestions would mess up the voice of your story. The storyline is good but I think it could be cleaned up a little by getting rid of some uneccessary phrases/words that would help it flow better, for example deleting the words I've put in CAPS

WITH MY EYES, I TRACED... Seeing the stones that made...
TO ME, he looked like a...
The land had been in our family forever IT SEEMED


You might consider starting a new paragraph after "Who are you?!" , so we kno there is a change of speaker.


Good stars for you,
Best of luck
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: Good world-building. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Could my friend from all these years ago still be ..... as i began to remember ..... the years began to melt away ... ' When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more dots is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with five dots. You don't want that.
2) then he waved a hand at me, and moved toward the wall. Capitalize 'then.'
3) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) Not much happened in this chapter.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'He took off his backpack and started to rummage through it first one pocket, than another.' 'Than' should be 'then.'
2) 'It was getting worse, much worse.' What was getting worse? The situation? The torch? The wind?
3) "We must keep going forward," Replace the comma with a period.
4) Another excellent end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you reshuffle your bookshelf at the end of the month.

Have a splendid day.

Al

i feel ike I'm at the start of an adventure. You tease us immediately that somehting extraordinary will happen soon...and then it does. You've created a richly imagined world, that I'm sure is only enhanced by the illustrations. Well done! Gave you lots of stars :)
Best,
Andi Brown
ANIMAL CRACKER

I have read though your pitch and chapter 1.

Lots of information in pitch

I have peeked at Chapter 1 - it looks it is an easily followed story. Chapter 1 ends leaving the reader curious, leaving him/her with no option but to proceed to chapter 2 know what happened - Kidnap?

Julius B

There's a lot to like about this story - you have a great imagination, and tell the story in a chatty, easy-to-read style.

I feel, though, that it loses a lot by not having the illustrations. For instance, we don't get any description of Old Grumble until several paragraphs after he first appears. I presume there's meant to be a picture of him at that point. Could you perhaps insert a description of each illustration where it belongs?

I'm not sure you need the frame device of having the narrator remember her childhood adventure. It puts the reader at one remove from the story.

There's a lot of unattributed dialogue, which makes it hard to keep track of who's saying what. Possibly because of that, the narrator doesn't seem to do much - she just seems to be tagging along for the ride, and I wonder why Old Grumble went to so much trouble to fetch her. We're nearly halfway into the book before we find out what problem the Grumblebugs are facing.

I was surprised to see that the solution to the Slidge problem is basically to kill the lot of them - not a very humane approach, even if they do eat Grumblebugs. They provide building material for the Grumblebugs' houses, so I expected the solution would involve both races realising they depend on each other. Perhaps the narrator, being an outsider, could see the problem in a way that neither side could.

Just a few thoughts. Use, adapt or discard as you see fit.

Adventure is the key to this one! And wow, what a whirl you take these characters on. I really loved the names you invented for this one! I like the feel they have to them when I read outloud. I di read this to my daughter. she is almost 8, and she loved it! Keep writing, kids are the biggest and best friends and you've got the vote of one at this end of the world!

The author’s imagination definitely hits the spot. If you can see, taste and feel the story, then it’s a high star rating for sure. The tone is very informal—chatty even. Children are always drawn by this technique especially the well explained visuals. I can only imagine the illustrations in this book and wonder how they would compare the ones in my head! Although your main character is not named, it is easy to picture myself in her place (a rather bigger kid, older but still mesmerized by Alice in Wonderland type adventures). Highly enjoyable and highly rated. Very well done. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hi Diane,

You dared to write children's fiction and I must say you have won, for it's a tough genre. Because adults take a look at it first and decide whether or not their children need it.
One felt the same about Harry Potter books and look where they belong. Great stuff with ever so many twists and turns.
Worthy of the stars I have showered over it and placing it on my shelf. I hope it will help you climb up the charts.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

I really like what you did with the dialogue to push on the story. I thought that was extremely effective. You brought up great questions and you added page turners to cap off your chapters! Well done there as well. I think this deserves a backing :)

Hi there.
As I mentioned I decided to read this out loud to my kids. 5, 6 and 8 years. And I’m pleased to report that it went down a treat.
The name caught their attention straight away. They all wanted to know what a Grumblebug was and they were happy to read to find out.
Your language is very good and quite engaging for this age group. My eight year old got very excited at the thoughts of a cross between an owl and a teddy bear…my cheeky 6 year old even insisted he had seen the grumblebug in our garden last week.
Some adorable little gems hidden in this… the idea of dressing him in overhauls complete with a back pack works perfectly. I could literally see the children’s minds ticking as the conjured up a little image in their heads.
Great suspense, again well suited to your audience.
The only one little thing I could possibly pick at is the occasional use of slightly advance description for the target age group. It tended to upset the otherwise excellent flow and I felt it lost the kids a little.
Over all this is a pure delighted. I would love to see this go all the way. I’m my honest opinion there is nothing more difficult than writing for children and I think you have really hit the nail on the head here.
Janny (Suddenly Strangers)

Hi Diane,

I finally got the time to read your book. :)

I'll comment as I read, since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions, as they will just be my thoughts. Feel free to ignore me if you think I'm a moron. :)

Chapter 1: This is very visual and vivid. I like it. I like the way you gradually draw us in. What's that sound? Hmmm then we meet him. He's a very peculiar looking chap, isn't he? :)

I have a couple of minor suggestions. 1stly, I'd try and avoid placing the character between the reader and the story, wherever possible. eg in "He was an odd little fellow, with overalls and a backpack - I guessed that was where the tools had come from." you're telling us about her guessing. It would be better if we shared her thoughts direct, since we already know the observation comes from her. eg "He was an odd little fellow, with overalls and a backpack. She frowned. He must have got the tools from one of the pockets." lets us better share her thoughts.

2nd, I'd avoid "beginning"/ "starting" unless I had no other choice. After all, how many verbs "begin." eg as in "I began to raise my head". She should have just raised her head. There's no beginning to such an action.

Nice chapter end. A magic door and a tunnel. I want to read on and find out where this leads.

Chapter 2: In the tunnel. What will we find? More passageways. The mystery deepens...

1 small suggestion here. I think your story would be more vivid if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "He didn't seem happy" is you telling the reader a fact. "He frowned" shows the reader what the character does and lets them infer the meaning. Such an approach is more involving and helps the reader share in the experiences of your book

Chapter 3: I like his face getting all messy when he eats. And now we see some strange magical power of his. And a nice dramatic ending. :)

With respect to dialogue, I'd suggest explaining it less. Let the dialogue shine on its own merits. eg in "half scared, half bewildered..." we don't need any of this description. you can show she's scared and bewildered with dialogue such as "W-w-where'd the entrance go? I can't see it. Where we going?" I'd also suggest making the dialogue less formal, especially for a v young character. eg "Why can't we go back until it stops..." sounds a bit stiff and formal. I think something like "Let's go back. Please." would sound more real

Chapter 4: New creepy crawly type creatures. slidges. Good name for them. And a strange sound at the end to draw us on...

chapter 5: getting a bit creepier. Tension going up. We finally learn his name. Old Grumble. A perfect fit. :)

only 1 tiny suggestion here: At the end of the chapter, i think there's a bit too much dialogue. I'd break it up at 1 point with some action, if possible.

OK I'll stop here as I don't want to leave a comment of epic proportions. :)

I think this is a vivid and readable tale that children will enjoy. There's a nice sense of wonder and mystery that increases as we read on. I can see children wanting just 1 more page, too late at night. ;)

I'm happy to give this a good rating and back it.

Best of luck with it,

Pete x

I just love children's book's like this, fun, exciting and easy to read. Just as they should be!
Backed with 6 Stars
Well done
Ruth x

A Children's book and very nice indeed, probably nicer with illustrations.
I picked no typos, but did notice once when a piece of dialogue was on the wrong line - scarcely worth correcting at this stage.
Very well done and to be backed.
Marj.

Diane,


I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. It was a wonderful conversational tone for, rather than narrating, you appear to be talking to your audience and that kind of interactivity does wonders with children...

...not to mention those of us that are ....well...bigger children....lol

There is also plenty of original imagery,always a winner as a spark to the imagination. From time time, they start to pile, one of top the the other, then you get a balletic effect...

.....as images dance on the reader's mind.

The dialogue is also a jewel:

is expressive (i.e. "Ahhh, good...."

...action oriented (i.e. "you have woken up") ....

...and descriptive (i.e. "You took quite a tumble")

Finally, the use of italics to highlight the mind's eye also works, specially because is sparsely used for.....

..... children do have trouble separating the inner from the outer.

Some of my favorites:

"looking like a bald man"
marvelous metaphor....like the beat poets

"a cross between an owl and a cuddly bear"

"like he was having a conversation with himself, complete...."
very clever

"each passer way....."
this bit of post modern poetry does it's magic for when the writer repeats, it resonates in the reader's mind

just like this one does, ch 4 : " Stillness. More stillness...."

"horrible slimy slidges"
frame that one...lol


Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would compress a bit some of the passages, as a mean to intensify the poetic moment
for ex: "a smile began to work it's way into my face"
instead: "a smile made it into my face"

I like the idea of the spacing for, it makes every word feel illuminated
but I think you are going too far with the # of spaces in between

"feel any danger" "in a kindly voice" "feelings of unease"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describe...the reader feels
this is specially true with children for, they do not have a handle on abstract language... yet
instead, they imitate body language as a form of learning

"drifting lazily" "quite happily" "blatantly staring"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

I found this very easy to read, and I think it should be attractive to children around the age of ten, or perhaps a little younger. Mysterious tunnels are always attractive - or at least, I always loved stories with tunnels in them! Your language is accessible and engaging, and the pace of the story and hooks at the end of the chapters make me want to keep reading. I'd love to see the illustrations that go with this - I think it would work very well with pictures.
I will get it onto my shelf as soon as I have a space,

Anna
Angelwings

A highly imaginative story for 7 - 9 year old readers. Lots of it made me smile. Just one thing: i'd start the story from the child's point of view.
Well done.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

There was a lot that I liked about this. I liked that your voice was patient...I felt that I could relax and ease into the story. You give good little bits of description and insight into your character with her thoughts. However, in the opening section, I was a bit confused about what exactly was happening (disregarding the explanation in the pitch), and I felt that it took quite a long time to get into the action, per se. I understand that she is having a reverie of sorts and that this brings her into the memory, but I still think this part could be tightened up. Get to the interaction with him more quickly. I'm curious, too, what age you think this will fit into. It seems to have longer chapters, like a 9-12 type book but the story seems more suited to the 5-8 crowd. All in all, very creative and a good start. Enjoyed it!

---Mary

Hi Diane!

I greatly enjoyed ‘Grumblebug & Me’. It’s very original and funny. Slidges ARE annoying!!! They make the story even more enjoyable. In some parts ‘Grumblebug & Me’ reminded me of some Russian fairy-tales I read when a child. It was great to recollect that feeling.

A fascinating read. It is really praiseworthy.

Ivan.

Hi Diane:

I just had to re-back your book with six stars. It's such a delightful story and flows with such ease that makes for interesting and enjoyable reading. Good structure, diction, clarity of expression and imagination.

Hope you see merit in one of my twelve books to back -- anyone to your choice.

May your day shine like the sun.

Lorne

' Grumblebug and Me '

There are some great characters and ideas in your story. Your touches of imagery are wonderful throughout and I could visualise everything you show your reader.
An entertaining and engaging childrens read that I hope gains the author recognition in this genre.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark'

Even before we start the name 'Grumblebug' is so inviting - it's such a fun word to say.

I love your style of writing - no 'filler' sections between speech, and this makes for a fast-paced text which makes the reader feel that they are moving along with the story's timeframe.

The slidges are brilliant - and the S.A.L.T. I wish you all the best, this deserves to do very well.

Clare Morris
The Cloud Drivers: The Giant's Storm

Grumblebug and Me - I am not sure what age group the author has written for, but imagine it to be for children aged 7-10.
An engaging tone and voice, is the first thought that came to mind on completing the first four chapters, that younger children could have read to them and older children read themselves.
On a perfect day, in a house on top of a hill a mother, watching her child play, becomes lost in thoughts of her own childhood. 'I became hypnotised.' This doesn't read well as I think it makes the mother seem like a mindless automaton rather than someone relishing memories of an adventure. The description of Grumblebug? is lovely, he sounds a bit like a miniature Wooky. He's gruff but kindly.
I liked the hairy, slimy slidges in chapter four, who are quite scary in a comic sort of a way and who cover the little girl in spit and slime, which will draw a response of amused 'yuk'.
'They are gone now.' Who says this? Grumblebug, presumably. It might be an idea to let the reader know so that confusion doesn't jar them from the story.
Biggest nitpick: The little girl and Grumblebug, are not mentioned by name in the four chapters read. Names give a sense of familiarity so please consider doing this at the earliest moment, possibly when they first meet by the wall.

Nanty - Chrys!

Thanks for the comments.The reason why there isn't any name or specifics is so that anyone reading it can become the main character as children often do. Your age range is exactly right and what I am aiming for and specifically for those reasons.
If you read a bit farther you find out his name.
Glad you liked it so far....
:)
Diane

Grumblebug and Me - I am not sure what age group the author has written for, but imagine it to be for children aged 7-10.
An engaging tone and voice, is the first thought that came to mind on completing the first four chapters, that younger children could have read to them and older children read themselves.
On a perfect day, in a house on top of a hill a mother, watching her child play, becomes lost in thoughts of her own childhood. 'I became hypnotised.' This doesn't read well as I think it makes the mother seem like a mindless automaton rather than someone relishing memories of an adventure. The description of Grumblebug? is lovely, he sounds a bit like a miniature Wooky. He's gruff but kindly.
I liked the hairy, slimy slidges in chapter four, who are quite scary in a comic sort of a way and who cover the little girl in spit and slime, which will draw a response of amused 'yuk'.
'They are gone now.' Who says this? Grumblebug, presumably. It might be an idea to let the reader know so that confusion doesn't jar them from the story.
Biggest nitpick: The little girl and Grumblebug, are not mentioned by name in the four chapters read. Names give a sense of familiarity so please consider doing this at the earliest moment, possibly when they first meet by the wall.

Nanty - Chrys!

Grumblebug and Me

I love this charming well crafted story.
Only one nitpic_ I would deleted 'I became hypnotized' and describe the experience rather than label it with a billboard.
Backed with five stars. I'd love to see this published with the pictures.
a zoomer

Being a huge fan of other worlds and adventures, I found this story delightful!

Oooh everything from 'Don't wander too far' really held my attention, so captivating and I couldn't wait to find out more. The bit preceding it, just before you start to reminisce, did not have quite the same beauty about it. Perhaps you could work on those first few sentences, as they are crucial really for holding the reader's attention. I guess it isn't entirely clear why today of all days the narrator is gazing out of the window and reminiscing. A reason to remember would be good. (You hint at it with the daughter playing by the wall, but maybe something a little more enticing?)
On a technical note, There is a gap in the middle of 'I had been distracted...'

Second chapter, 'I stammered out' could just be 'I stammered'. Also check this chapter for more instances of gaps in the middle of sentences. (Must be something that happened in the Authonomy formatting).
I wondered if we could have an indication of the age of the narrator when she met the Grumblebug? She seems very keen to trust this bizarre fellow, I would love to get inside her head more, perhaps understand a little of the home she is so happy to leave behind. The Grumblebug is painted wonderfully, what a curious character!

Skimming on, I see there are quite a few chapters that are very heavy with dialogue but not much description. I expect it is hard to get a full feel for it without the illustrations so by all means ignore me, but I felt as though this could do with some polishing and a lot more detail as the story unfolds. It reads as an excellent first draft for a beautiful adventure and I love the innocence and joy that comes seeping out :-)