Happy Birthday, Zach

I'd swear this one crossed my radar before but i dont think i read or commented. It's zippy and clever with slick dialogue

This is a cleverly written book. And says a lot about the way we communicate today besides being an interesting story. The short crisp chapters make this move rapidly. It's a good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is fantastic - so glad i clicked on it and only because my husbands name is Zach and he has a birthday coming up! So glad i did! Well written and you have a real gift for characterizations! Backed with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Sorry this one's not for me. But Good Luck all the same, definitely some skilled writing / story-telling in here.

I often don’t like prologues but this one is a good introduction.

I think you have a good narrative voice for what you are trying to do. It’s a chatty, hip, modern sound that works well with this very modern tale.

I like the concept, I think your writing is engaging and I didn’t really find serious flaws in it. This should do well.

Backed!

Terry, I've looked at your prologue and first chapter. Chapter One is very creative. Smooth read. I liked the dialogue in there. I choose not to nitpick anything.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I enjoyed reading your story. A married woman with a cheating husband....is gay. Funny. You have a great story. Shelved

well, my "code" obligates me to be honest in the aspect that I would probably not pick this up for myself, but the book is odly enough quite engaging and fun to read. I think chicks would love this lol, reads like some reality show or something.... some clever situational humour in here ^^

SHELVING you because Tim did. I can use your comments on my book when you can get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Hi,

I backed your book some time ago.
I wonder if you might have a look at mine
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Hi Terry,
I liked your first page and if I'm to get hooked, this is the one, I found it a very enjoyable read. From chapter three I fliped through the middle of the book, all I found was minor nit- picks, when it's polished a good edit, you'll have a nice book, A pleasure to have it on my shelf.
Backed
John-- Foxley Manor

Hi Terry,
I liked your first page and if I'm to get hooked, this is the one, I found it a very enjoyable read. From chapter three I fliped through the middle of the book, all I found was minor nit- picks, when it's polished a good edit, you'll have a nice book, A pleasure to have it on my shelf.
Backed
John-- Foxley Manor

Hi Terry, what a sweet story and spirit you have. It's hard not to like the person who wrote this, and that really helps the reader keep reading. It just makes you smile. Great job.

Here's a couple of things I noticed.

Since you open with so much dialogue, I think it might be good to add some more description also. I'd say there's a bit too much of a "talking heads" situation going on (I also lean on dialogue a lot), so I think you could ground the reader more in the scene by sprinkling in description and other things that engage the reader's senses.

You mentioned that they are twenty-somethings. My feeling from the characters were that they were more like freshman in college or maybe in high school. I think you might have a little work to do to either make the characters seem a bit older, or to change some of the facts around so that the characters can be younger in the story.

There's my two cents, but of course take whatever makes sense to you and toss the rest. Thanks for letting me read your story, and thanks for your excellent comment on my own.

Moses Siregar III
DEUS EX KARMA, an epic fantasy in homage to Homer's Iliad

Happy Birthday, Zach:

Terry, as I didn’t read the pitch I had no idea what this was going to be like, so I was pleasantly surprised!

The beginning of your story? - Did I really put work before friendship?- If you had put, Did I really put AUTHONOMY before friendship? Boy, that would definitely be me, and most likely hundreds of others!

I don’t answer the phone anymore, and my family are fed up with me for I seldom even check my email. And it's like pulling teeth to get me to go out for dinner. I've turned into a recluse...All going to change soon, though.

Maybe...

This is a delightful read, different, but uplifting and witty. Writing, dialogue and each characters’ chapter flows well. I didn’t even stop to look for nits. ;o)

Already backed.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Happy Birthday, Zach
Terry Dip

Terry,

I read your pitches and your first two chapter uploads. This is an easy read and has a nice conversational tone to it. “Happy Birthday. To me. I wonder who will remember.” I guess many people feel like this – I on the other hand wish people wouldl forget, as I hate fuss. One year my daughter planned a surprise party for me and telephoned everyone in my address book – would have had about 150 people in my house had I not found out in time to cancel it. Poor Zach feeling sorry for himself, but then his phone is ringing so hopefully someone would have remembered. Now for Betty. “You’ve got drool on your chin,” she finally says. “Oh, I must have been laughing too hard.” Terry, this is highly entertaining and you indeed got a few laughs out of me. Hope to come back and read more when time permits.

Best wishes for success with this,
Zan

Hi Terry

this is so pleasant to read, the story is flowing easily. Totally my kind.
Good luck
Tamara

Nice light reading for a Saturday afternoon. I have had a good laugh and enjoyed your story. Entertaining with good descriptions and characters. On my Shelf. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Terry,

After reading your pitches, your chapters, and sonm of the comments that have been posted, you have my backing.

Rodney

Dear Terry Dip,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I skipped to chapter seven (“C”) to cover less-traveled ground and was rewarded by Zach wishing Betty’s stolen wi-fi goes out so he can have some peace and quiet from her vocal texting. They browbeat him to come over, and you make the conversations between him and his guy friend over the phone playful (and goading by turns) and believable. You portray passing time effectively through internal musings. Your greatest strength lies in your ability to get inside the head of your characters and make them real from the inside out with cognition. I can see why the women invited him, as he’s sensitive and wise enough to keep his mouth shut.

I enjoyed your story. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

Couldn't stop laughing. One hysterical mishap after another. I can picture the characters so easily. Perfect for the chick lit genre (of which I'm rarely a huge fan). Only, I don't think this truly fits into the YA genre.

Backed.

JLux
Finding Letta

Hi Terry, this is a strong premise, unusual and I wondered how you were going to handle it. I like the different viewpoints and the use of modern technology works well for this story. Your writing is smooth and the dialogue is really good, I got the sense they were all close friends without being too over the top. I really enjoyed this read and its on my shelf. helena (A Load of Rubbish)

This is a great premise for a story.
I haven't read chick lit for a while but the writing and the concept seem to fit a busy genre very well.

I'm sure it'll do very well - good luck!
Diana

This is wonderfully fresh with a totally different story for the chick lit genre. Not usually a fan myself I found this a little grittier or more women's lit, less fluff.

Anyway I would read on because it is so different to the usual type in the genre.

Jo xx

Spoilt

"I wonder who will remember," is a good way to start. It's pretty clear from here that a few people will or that Zach will spend a lot of time trying to find people who will. After replaying the online web conference call he had for another friend's birthday, his phone starts ringing. I guess someone remembered. This makes the reader want to go past the prologue. Who remembered?

So, who is it? Well, we jump to the girl who had the "web conference" birthday. She was watching that again when she remembered that it was Zach's birthday today, so off set into motion a way to wish him the best on his birthday, but is the ringing from her or not?

This is a witty take on the use of current communication devices and their conveniences or (?) to get in touch around the world. Your dialogue and descriptions are very sharp and entertaining. I can imagine the situation easily. I want to get back to this soon. Shelved with pleasure.

Not my usual genre, Terry! But I think you manage to instil this book with enough variety to keep lovers of the genre reading on. You have flair in reflecting the idiosyncrasies of life and people's relationships. You characters are unpredictable.

I think you would benefit from a little more finesse early doors in terms of action outside the interactions. Overall, a book that seems to offer something fresh for readers of this genre. Nice pitch and dreamy book cover too.

Nice effort

Alexander

Terry, this is so very well done--I read through the first three chapters. This works as a book and definitely, with such great dialog, it has wonderful film potential. And the plot is just great with engaging wacky characters. You have a clean style, easy to read, and I loved your pitch. Definitely shelved.

A fresh and easy read. Confused why he did not answer the phone? Cleverly written by a boy playing a girl. I backed it because it was a bit different.

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Terry
Read two chapters. On the whole very entertaining and engaging. Think you have your target reader's off to a tee. The various characters and storylines going on adds interest, but the real question remains - why the damn hell is Zach not answering his phone? Well done. Backed. Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

Liked it!
Backed.
A look at mine would be appreciated.
Frank, Sicilian Shadows.

This is very clever as a premise, and must have been quite an undertaking to pull together. A large-cast novel with multiple POVs can’t be easy. You have an easy style and clear voice which is fun to read. You also have some nicely intricate storylines going on. I only read through the “A” Zach chapter, but you seem to do pretty well differentiating the POV, giving a slightly different style when it switches.

One thing is that early on I have the impression of the large cast being “present” (on the video, anyway) – a little overwhelming all at once. There’s a moment of pronoun confusion in ch1 (Betty): Jana brings out the birthday cake, then there’s talk of “him” smiling and singing. On first read, this seemed like Jana was a guy. After reading more, I think I get what you mean. A separate paragraph for that might help, some extra emphasis on *him* somehow to make it clearer.

Fun and well-written, so I’m happy to back this. Good luck!

R.C. Lewis (Fingerprints)

Happy Birthday Zac is a very absorbing contemporary read. Wonderful involving plot, snappy dialogue and natural characterisation.
Just silly things like - windscreen wipers flows better than windshield read thru' aloud Terry to eradicate the awkward stuff.

I have some mixed feelings about the prolouge -- I'm not sure you need it - the video conference in your uploaded chapter 2 is an engaging/party sort of feel. I sort of liked it better. You use dialogue well to move the scene forward, and I liked the pacing. Twightlight/The Time Traveler's wife - very funny.

I went on - jumped to chapter 33. Really liked the ending. The only thing that caught my eye in this chapter was the "do" and "am" verbs and the number of sentences that start with "I". Most of the time you used action verbs (I dig, I rack, I consider) and that kept me in the moment -- but where you have the more passive voice, or a number of I sentences in series - consider a quick "And" to hitch them together. Minor stuff -- I'm actually pleased that I can offer so little in critique. A fun story that was a pleasure to read. Good luck.

Happy Birthday Zach has an ambitious scope with lots of changes in time and the story being told from different perspectives,.but you pull it off well - I suspect because you let me know clearly who's talking and when, and your different characters each have their own recogniseable 'voice'. I liked Betty's chatty and warm style, and the contrast with Zach's, for example. The overall style and language seems spot on for your YA target audience, and Im happy to back thi with no nitpicks.

Hi Terry,

I read through the first four chapters and based on what I've read so far, I know I'll be coming back again to read some more because it was so enjoyable. I thought I'd give you some initial feedback.

First, the experiences that these twenty-somethings go through make me long for a life I wish I had. I started traveling abroad in my thirties and having done so, wished I had done it much, much sooner. So I really enjoyed that you took your own experiences to really create an immersive world of life in Tokyo, Taipei, etc. I think this is a great vehicle to showcase the world for readers who are more provincial.

Second, there's a great sampling of characters provided. So far, Betty and Jana's voice doesn't sound very differentiated in the opening chapters. Maybe that'll happen over the course of the novel, but I think there's an opportunity to create distinctive voices or character traits.

Although Zach is established as the protag and he's introduced in more detail in Chapter 3, I am empathizing with Kern's character a lot more. You seem to set up more depth with him (internal struggle), whereas with Zach, the hero's goal seems to elude me in these opening chapters.

From a structure/plot perspective, you may want to bring the premise of your story more to the surface somewhere in these opening chapters. I suspect it may be buried in Chapter 4.

In any case, a delightful read that I am happy to back. Thanks for sharing. GS

Page notes:

“But why is that married couple the only ones drinking?” = sounds like you’re missing a couple words. Suggest: But why is it that married couples are the only ones drinking?

The way he smiles = Who is “he”? Betty’s love interest to be revealed later?

“But the characters in the drama must be yelling hard too.” = Betty, Jana and the others are watching TV together online as well as celebrating her birthday? I can’t tell if it is online or not.

Damn that smells good. You do a great job of describing other tactile sensations. Smell is often missed to help immerse the reader. Usually, writers only consider sight and sound.

“Who says third time’s the charm?” The idiom uses the indefinite article “a” and not “the.”

In chapter 3, Zach indicates that Betty’s the one who’s always organizing birthday parties, yet Betty in chapter 2 thinks it’s Zach. Not sure who’s telling the truth. Maybe this is a one- up’s-manship thing, unreliable narration or selective memory.

The chapter with Kern so far is the best written. Not because of his “session” but because he’s hiding a secret from his long time friends. I appreciated that dramatic tension in terms of empathizing with his character, more so than the more superficial goals of celebrating Betty’s birthday or the surprise call to Zach to wish him a happy birthday. Don’t get me wrong, in your writing, you’ve demonstrated how it is vitally important for Betty and Jana to wish Zach a happy birthday and similarly how much it meant for Zach to plan a surprise birthday for Bet Bet, but that adventure skims the surface whereas the chapter with Kern has a potential for more emotional impact. The admission by Kern to Brad was tension-filled and honest. Defining love vs. sexual arousal.

Ultimately all travelers are running away from something. Or in search of something. = is this the theme of the novel?

Not often a guy writes chick lit! This is very good: really light-hearted with smart-assed dialogue that that gets the laughs. I like your characters too. The premise is a great one, especially the vignettes which will keep readers on their toes. This is actually very good writing, which is more than I can say for a lot of stuff that gets the publishers attention these days.

Yes, I agree, there ought to be more than five spots of the shelf, but I guess those are the rules. So, this is going on my watch list for a short while until I can make room.

Nicholas ("The Warlock")

I enjoyed this very much and really got caught up with the excitement of the twentysomething years olds, their highly charged energy driven chatter and sharp focus on the Zachs birthday. I thought it well structured and the dialogue excellent. Only one thing I wondered if you could find alternative words for some phrases which tend to be a bit cliched, 'Sheets of rain' for example. I wish you all the best with it. Backed
Christina
From Under the Bed
ps my last name is scottish thanks for liking it!

Hi Terry. Great beginning. Nice writing style and the pitch promises a good story. I like this one. On my shelf and the best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

I think you've definitely captured this generation's voice. Quick, shallow, silly, random. Well done! I'd recommend this to those twentysomething airplane, train travellers. It would be a fun read!
Backed,
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

I think you've definitely captured this generation's voice. Quick, shallow, silly, random. Well done! I'd recommend this to those twentysomething airplane, train travellers. It would be a fun read!
Backed,
Ellen
(Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Terry, I like your story. It's fun and easy going. I read the first three chapters and will return for more.

Backed.

Natasha (Water Under the Bridge...rises)

• Like the structural concept, enjoyed the vicarious travel
• It's bold to take it so easy with the drama. It's more like a documentary than a drama style in some ways
• Good dialog

You have a good premise here and a great pitch. I've dipped into a couple of chapters and enjoyed what I read. Good luck with this. Backed. John / Tacitus "Where Truth Lies"

I read Ch.4 This is a highly intelligent read. After reading the pitch, I had no problem at all getting into the vignette. The author is a highly sensitive observer of human nature with a wicked sense of humour and a deft turn of phrase. His ear for dialogue, and certainly that of young friends, is impeccable. Backed.

Terry, an unusal premise that should do well with the Chick Lit crowd. This is, to us outsiders, an enlightening peek into the cyber world of young folks. Your short paragraphs and snappy dialogue should make this very appealing to its intended audience. Best of luck! Backed.
Thomas J Winton
"Beyond Nostalgia"

I adore this! I only meant to read a couple of chapters but I got so caught up in all of it. The odd thing about it is that the drama is so mellow--you don't beat a moment to death. Fantastic.

Shelved.

I like stories like this that pull me into the characters through a lot of good, well-written dialogue. And your choppy sentences provide a fun, almost edgy voice. Your writing style hooked me despite the fact that I'm not a big fan of present tense. Present tense tends to call too much attention to itself, but your writing interested me so much that I soon stopped noticing the tense. Good job.

Hi Terry, Finding Zach’s number from so far away is really a plot event and the first chapter ending the way it did hooked me right in. The dialogue is tense with the relationship issues, answered in another chapter such as Jana’s past. The writing is selective and pressing, rendering well the conflicts of the characters with their pasts. Fun to figure out who they are with each new perspective! Shelved – Katherine

Love the different viewpoints. Well written and flows beautifully.

Terry
I read 1-3.
To be frank, I found it hard to connect with this, possibly because I felt the stakes were quite low ("Who cares? So what?" type of thing, but that's probably my ADD). As others have remarked, it is an intricate piece of work, and is very filmable, with good dialogue and credible character.
To make it more appealing, and more commercial, I would increase the stakes, and make it clear in the pitch what Terry stand to lose, publicly and privately, if he does not "succeed"...
I wish you every success with it.
Frank

This is a really well-constructed piece of work with a fresh and engaging voice. The tone is upbeat and the style very easy to follow. Happy to back. Clare (Second Lives)