Aransoaks Fury; Book 2

Did you forget to read Going Out Of Style?
a zoomer

Hi Zoomer. I backed your book. Let me know if it did not show up as backed. I will go back and do it again. J.S.

One of the best first chapters I've read on here! Hands down!

Amazing discriptions. True to life characers. Dialogue that's perfect for the characters. This is a book that would force me to break open my wallet.

6 stars...and backed!

Good luck with this!

Cheers,
Dwayne

'Aransoaks Fury; Book 2' is best in its descriptive passages. The author has great talent in describing the flooding of the landscape as the river (known to the Indians as the Aransoak) overflows. In this age of extreme natural events this tale could resonate with the reading public. The childrens rambling in boats and bikes around the locality are all well done and I really enjoyed the various animal passages. You have a keen eye for the behaviour of animals and their interaction with humans. The everyday life of the rat family is very sensitively portrayed and Joey's interaction with the calves and cows and cat on the farm are enthralling. These in my view are the strengths of this book.
There are references to the original book in the text of this sequel and although as a reader I have been given a pretty good idea of the events of that book I am still a little puzzled by the plot. A central thread in part 2 seems to be that Tom Shant, a violent wife beater, rightly imprisoned, is being harassed by three even more violent inmates. The rats who he almost killed when they intervened in the domestic violence he created plus his daughter and her friends are going to team together to prevent his murder. The author has indicated that Tom is resourceful and repentant of his past actions but as a reader he is not the sort of character who we would normally be asked to empathise with and root for. My reaction to this unfolding thread would be to suggest a better plotline would be for Tom to heroically save people endangered by the flooding (with the rats help) and earn his redemption properly.

Snowlight and Faulkil are excellent characters and the way the author has described their interaction and the birth of their offspring is captivating. The way you relate the circumstances of the loss of two of their babies is superbly and poignantly done.

I personally don't think the naming of the baby rats and giving them the ability to speak English works. This story could work just as well without taking this step and all of the strengths of the narrative would be unimpaired. Snowlight and Sarah's relationship could still be a crucial plot device for involving the rats in the human drama.

Many of literatures leading 'animal' stories give a template (James Herriot, Henry Williamson, Paul Gallico) of how truly emotional interaction between humans and animals can be achieved on the page without the need for the animals to speak.
Other comments I noted as I read along were
- why not give us Faulkil and Snowlights reaction in real time to the rising water. You could do this brilliantly I am sure, underlining the rats instinctive understanding of nature versus Mr. McCready's need for careful observations and warnings given to other humans perhaps too late.
- Paula's language a bit adult in her early conversations with Joey
-difficulty in understanding how Joey is going to team up with the rats if he is still having nightmares about being attacked by them
- some big white gaps in the text- need to look at your formatting
-ch6 when the teenagers are in a boat again doesn't move the narrative forward much
-why does Snowlight have to explain events of the previous book to Faulkil. Got confused. Wasn't he present at the time?
- not sure what you are going to do with that distant sound recorder but this thread sounds as if it may stretch my credulity a little.
The quality of the nature writing in this is exceptionally good and with a few tweaks to the narrative and some of the looser threads I am sure it will gain far more attention on this site.

Hi,

I've finally managed to find time to read your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read, since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. They'll just be my thoughts, after all. You can ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Chapter 1: Intriguing start. Just what's going on here? Has there been a flood?

1 small suggestion. If possible, I think it's best to lead off with dialogue instead of burying it lower in the paragraph. It makes for a quicker and easier read.

Reading on ... Ice. It's starting to look like this was all due to a thaw. wow, the river must really have run wild.

The rat attack grabs my interest. Sounds nasty. Odd, too. Hmm could this be foreshadowing of events to come?

I've another small suggestion here. Could you make the dialogue a bit less formal? eg "I didn't think it was possible" sounds a bit still for a character her age. I think something like "Crazy huh?" would sound more real.

I also think you don't need to describe your dialogue so much eg in " "What's alive?" he asked curiously" we know he's curious from the question, so you don't need "curiously" at all. Let your dialogue shine on its own merits. It's good. :)

Reading on... Joey's fall in the mud made me laugh, and the spitting out of brown water. Hmmm I'm wondering with the next bit just why are the rats acting so oddly? Something strange might be going on here.

And Joey's dream... does it have some deeper meaning? Is it prophetic perhaps? Interesting. Mr Quinton comes as a complete contrast. a breath of fresh air. I think he's the pragmatist here.

Chapter 2: I think the scene with Joey waking and feeling something's up is well and subtly written. It's gradual and suggesting.

Is there any chance you could paragraph more often, though? I've noticed by this point there have a been a few pretty intimidating paragraphs. I think the audience you're aiming for might be put off by such blocks of text.

Reading on... I like Joey's interaction with the calf. You make it clear that he loves the animal.

lovely description at the end of the chapter, as well. Very few authors really employ the sense of smell. I'm very pleased that you did. :)

OK I think I've read enough now to have a feel for your story and writing.

I did like your writing, especially for its descriptive nature. I think you really do have a gift for painting pictures with words. And you do a good job of gradually drawing a story out. There are hints that there's far more going on beneath the surface than we've witnessed so far. I think it's a clever and subtle work.

I won't nitpick any more on small things, as I think I've done more than enough of that. I don't want to annoy you. ;)

I've rated this highly, and will try to find a space for it on my shelf as soon as possible.

I do hope you keep working on this. Let me know if you get an agent/publisher. I'd love to hear that news. :)

best of luck,

Pete

JSF - Aransoaks Fury; book 2 - love it - original, well written and pacey. backed with stars by Balepy of Freckles the Fawn fame!

I like this a lot. You write very well indeed and i can see why your first book is selling well. It would be interesting to know who is reading book 1. My feeling is that a story with rat characters would do better targeted/ written for the 9 - 12 year old market rather than YA. Whilst i love your prose, I do think the story needs more tension and hooks at the start, especially as this is a thriller and a book for young people.
I hope this helps. I'm intrigued about book 1 now - i'll have a little look on Amazon!
Good luck with it.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

JS,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

I must confess the writing threw me off at the beginning for your lyricism is that of literary fiction. The care you take in describing or better said, painting the landscape, how much you as writer enjoy it.....

..... that is the marker of historical fiction.

Then the rats start crawling out and you realize this is a thriller.

And that is what is causing me to think twice before giving advice. For literary description is all about the care one takes in describing, there is never enough lyricism for, in literary fiction....

....language is the plot

A thriller on the other hand is all about the things you leave out.

Tension builds through the minimalism of description, the absence of modifiers that like Stephen King would say:

"allow the reader to complete the scene"

Is the ruthless efficiency in the dialogue/description what creates tension on a thriller.

That is why I am so conflicted. The literary fiction guy in me says, I love the way this writer describes..

The reader of thriller in me says: "But he is missing the opportunity to build further tension"

so my advice is the following; keep the lyricism in the opening scene shots for, it would be a crime to edit out such good writing

however as you move into the "thrilling moments" start compressing the dialogue and description, so that it builds the necessary tension required to make the rats feel really gross and disgusting...lol

Let me know if that helps

David

interesting animal story. I would like to know what has happened to Book 1.

Lynne Ellison


The Green Bronze Mirror

Hi Linda. Book number one is called "Cunning Foe" and is selling fairly well on Amazon , bookstores, and direct sales. If you want to check it out you can go to my website- cunningfoe.com Thanks and best of luck!

Dear J S, supporting a book on your shelf still counts, I hope you'll have a look at my message. Thanks, Pia

interesting animal story. I would like to know what has happened to Book 1.

Lynne Ellison


The Green Bronze Mirror

Hi JS

This is a real traditional children's adventure book and very enjoyable. I like the Canadian(?) setting - it feels fresh and new and there is a real sense of the community that the children live in. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

You have a cool, original idea here. I like the writing, which is free of hangups like adverbs, and think it is properly geared at your target demographic. Keep up the good work. Backed.

Laura Freeman
Writers on the Storm

I found the start a little disjointed at times, but overall this is a well told story. I would suggest you check for use of the word "had" - there is a tendency for this to appear too often. Otherwise I am happy to back this. Colin

This is very different, JS. A YA thriller, written in the most visual and vivacious manner, clearly depicts the coming floods with a tennis ball and ice chunks the size of pickup trucks. At the centre of the story, a man in jail, a bunch of teenagers, and ... a couple of wild rats.

Aransoaks Fury II is a complex and captivating mixture of high drama, folk-lore and spirituality, human behaviour - addressing real fears and imagined - and that least-loved of animals, the rat. I'm sure the target audience will not only be fascinated and entertained, they will also absorb some important lessons ... backed.

Possible nits: I find it odd that Paula compares the river to a woman as this sounds more like a masculine statement - perhaps better if she were quoting someone else. Dialogue punctuation is a bit inconsistent. It should be: "Yes," she said (the 'she said' is part of the same sentence as what she said), "Really?" he asked. Anything that isn't to do with the 'talking' is a separate sentence, e.g. "You can never tell." He shook his head.

Lovely, descriptive prose. It's refreshing to find a book that isn't endless dialogue with no description. This is well written, and well worth backing!

You have written a very interesting and compelling storyline and crafted a most memorable character in Sarah. The dialogue is well written and the pace of your story flows well. This and your descriptive writing ensures that your work will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hi. Just some thoughts as I read. Love the premise. I think the intended readership will enjoy.

In the short pitch, I think you may need a plural: "When four adventurous youth(s) and a pair of rats join forces to try to stop a murder will they be in time?"

Paula pointed at a small white ball.../ this could/should be the beginning of second paragraph.

While large paragraphs are fine, It's my belief that if you can not do it, all the better. Yes, there are certain times you can't get away with it, but as an opener to any story, I think it should be avoided at all cost. Please keep in mind this says nothing of how nice the story is and is only my opinion.

some dialogue tweaks needed. Here's one I found:
"You could be right(,) Joey(," Mrs Quinton replied.

After reading the first chapter, I see promise with this story. I think someone touched on a very good point below: well thought out (and well placed) action tags can remove the need for some explanatory sentences. i.e., 'Have you guys heard how Sarah and Maggie Shant are doing on the Ferry road?' Joey asked about the mother and daughter who lived together.

You don't want your characters to seem like talking heads or marionettes, or for the reader to take any more notice of the narrative than they need to. With the right tags or even a small rewording, much of this can be taken care of. With the example sentence I used, if you were to just leave it with a dialogue tag, the next paragraph explains all you need, stating how she'd called Sarah, and Sarah's mention of her husband not being there. See what I mean?

The story itself is a fine one, but I think, with some care given to breaking some of the longer portions of exposition and carefully chosen action tags, you could make this a very nice read for anyone who enjoys a good YA story.

Best of luck with this story,
Gerry
Dropcloth Angels

YA is not my genre but I enjoy reading anything that's well written
You display a good balance of narration and dialogue.
Warch your formating (came across as long paragraphs with dialogue burried within).
If you could turn some of the "telling" into "showing" the book will gain in strength.
Some internal dialogue might help in places where the pace is slower.
You'ce got my vote...job well done.
Dan
PS. Would you pls look at TO KILL A DEAD MAN? Comments and backinh will be appreciated

I love the rustic descriptions in Aransoak's Fury. This is an original tale sure to enchant young readers who can immerse themselves in such an unusual adventure. Backed with pleasure.

This is some very nice writing. A very imaginative premise is followed with some engaging prose. I would correct your short pitch, however. Surely if there are four adventurous figures then the 'youth' should be plural? My only query would be about the target audience. I mean, if we are dealing with 'rats' as protagonists are we not dealing with children's fiction as opposed to YA. You certainly write perfectly for a YA audience, but I think that is something to consider.
Backed with pleasure though.
carl
The Time Hunters

Dear J.S., I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will also put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy.

Dear J. S., I love the intrigue of their feat to try to help - always, will justice prevail? :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

I'll read chap 5, as I imagine you have plenty of comments on the beginning.
This is a lovely insight into a family of rats. The parents are gentle, affectionate, and thoroughly likeable, and it was really sad to find that Tago didn't make it.
A few things I noticed while I was reading, that could be changed to...
Where was Faulkil? she wondered.
the babies' arrival
ripped from its branch (some other it's -> its)
Rudge, a large male, found...
nine-member family
But this is a really enjoyable read. Backed.

This is an unsual and intriguing book. It evoke a rather mystic anything could happen next atmosphere. Congratulations. Back with pleasure. Jon. (See, I did go first on the read swap!)

The writing's not bad but there are quite a few small errors that could do with sorting out, for example: we could heard the sound of... it's just a small oversight but there's quite a few of them and they spoil an otherwise flowing read.

Joey's speech about 'That day as we climbed the stairs...' felt too written and not like natural speaking. Paula's response was very expositiony, she tells him stuff he already knows. Her comment about the river being like a woman didn't ring true, sounded more like a male perspective

It's an intriguing premise withthe rats and there's a strong sense of direction to the story, it knows where it's going. Could do with a good proofread though. Backed.

Tension is very well built as Paula and Joey pursue the ball caught up in the flow of the river, the excitement heightened as the large chunks of ice break. You judiciously select your detail to create a real sense of immediacy and vividly describe the awesome power of the river.

Through their recollections, as much as the very natural dialogue, you bring the children alive to the reader, give us a good idea of their earlier adventures and, for me, the two became the more plausible at every step of the narrative.

The premise of the rampant rats and yet relating to the children is a refreshing departure within your genre and this, combined with the promise of an intriguing storyline already given in your synopsis, made me want to read on and strongly suggests to me that this would readily appeal to a wide YA readership.

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Great scene setting. I like your writing.
Backed the book.
(still can't find where you have backed Going Out In Style- oh well!)
a zoomer

Hi JS
This is a really original idea for a YA book and as someone else points out, it is nice to read something that is not about vampires! You create a lot of tension and mystery from the outset and leave the reader with plenty of unanswered questions. Best of luck with it.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Did you forget to read Going Out Of Style?
a zoomer

Hi Zoomer. I backed your book. Let me know if it did not show up as backed. I will go back and do it again. J.S.

great poetical writing style, backed John Warren Lasting Images, take a look jw

I'm sure from your choice of content that you must be full of humour but you write your self-profile very formally. I liked the rat idea you described of your first novel. This one perhaps assumes that the first has been read? I think, for children, the title is handicapped by a difficult name. It doesn't summon up any picture in itself and it dpesn't roll off the tongue. However, on beginning Ch 1 the writing is lovely. I think the first paragraphs need breaking up a lot. You continue in the same para when the subject changes, and so on. It will have more impact and present better, especially to a child reader, if the paras are mainly short at the beginning. When you get into dialogue, cut out the 'telling' such as 'he said stiffly'. Every time you have a line of speech you add some explanation. Dialogue should speak for itself.

I'm sure it's a great plot and I love the scene setting so I will back it.

Rosalind
Good For Him (pl look at 8 as well)

Did you forget to read Going Out Of Style?
a zoomer

I love the rustic setting of your unique story. It's nice to see rats get to be the goods guys. They always get a bad rap.
I found some of you sentences awkwardly formulated and confusing, but that can be easily juggled around. Your talent is in your pacing, description and detail. With a thorough edit, I think you have a winner! Backed.

Good Luck!
Christa

You have an artist's eye for important details. Your imagery is awesome. You use your fluent narrative masterfully to reveal your characters and settings. Your dialogue is interesting and progresses your plot. Your pacing is spot on for my tastes. This is an engaging, tense YA adventure. Backed.

Aransoaks Fury; Book 2
J. S. Fairfield

What an imaginative and engaging story about rats helping out humans! The rising river as a threat and source of destruction is so contemporary, and the fact is that in some cultures, the rat is worshipped! This is a first rate plot and a good thriller for your target YA audience. Happy to give this a spin on my shelf.
Best,
Zan

Aransoaks Fury

First, sorry it took so long to comment after backing, time just recently took on a totally new dimension.

What a great story!!!
I think you opening is very neat, for me a little descriptive sound would really ground it, make a fuller picture (just me).
I very much like the hook and the intrigue you build in the first chapter, sets the scene very, very well. Good book, perfect for the genre. – Good luck.

Really interesting, good luck with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Aransoaks Fury:

I think this has lots of potential, as you have interesting characters and situations, and when edited for tightening, etc, it be a really good book for your YA readers.

I think a colon instead of a semi-colon would be better in your title?

Will give this a spin on my revolving shelf.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

A couple of typos:
“their was an opening in the hills” spelling error
“within a stones throw” missing apostrophe
Also, you are missing commas in many of your sentences (i.e. "Paula walked to her dad, placing her hand in his.")

J.S.,

You have a lot going on in this first chapter, most of it back story rather than happening real-time. Switching from the two kids to Mr. McCready, then to the rats, to the kids... it seemed a little disjointed, especially as it ended talking about Sarah and her dad. I thought that some of the dialogue between the kids seemed unnaturally adult (i.e. "unsettled and turbulent the next"). I thought the section about the higher power was a bit strange as well, since I don't hear people normally talk that way (could be where I'm from- don't know).

I did really like the pitch and I was intrigued by the idea of the story being told from the rats' point of view. I think you have an interesting premise and it needs some tightening to give it a more enticing intro so the reader can jump right into the story.

I hope that is helpful!

Cyndi
Between

J.S.

This is great work, really interesting, compelling and perfect for the young adult target audience. I haven't read YA crime for a while, the last lot might have been *mumbles* Hardy Boys, but you've brought that interesting premise into the present.

Great Work!
Abi xxx

Thanks guys for reminding me about the long paragraphs. I will divide them soon. Large paragraphs have never bothered me when reading a book. I guess I assumed they were fine with others. Whoops and hee haw. Thanks again guys for all the feedback. The check is in the mail. Was I supposed to put a stamp on it? crap!

I agree with the previous comment, I had a very hard time getting past the first paragraph because it was so long. You could probably break it in at least three paragraphs, same with a couple of the other ones. I think that would definitely let your story flow a little more. Backed!

JS -

I think the first few paragraphs are a bit lengthy. In all honesty, I'm not sure that it is more correct one way or another (everyone has their opinion), but short paragraphs help keep the reader moving (in my experience).

Also, don't rely so much on the dialogue to provide background and story elements. Unless one of the characters is telling a story, keep the dialogue a little bit shorter, more direct and more back-and-forth between the characters.

Obviously, flooding (and anything related to weather) immediately draws the reader's attention in our age of relentless global warming coverage. So, I found it to be timely in that sense. A little more description around the rats would help early on in the story.

This won't be everyone's cup of tea, but that's probably a good thing. With thousands of folks trying to write about vampires or child abuse or infidelity or aliens - this serves as a breath of fresh air and breathes new life into the Sci-Fi genre.

Clearly, you have the talent to write very well and have clearly defined the story you wish to tell. Backed.

JS, your first chapter is rather enjoyable. I think this story really has potential. I must point out that some of your paragraphs seem a bit long. I have no problem with this, but others might.

Good job overall. Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Lovely prose and descriptions. You could do with breaking up the paragraphs a bit to make all those wonderful descriptions stand out a little more!

Hi J. S., This is a strange telling about humans being helped by rats. The impending crisis of the water rising was well-described and impelled the action. From the synopsis, I was a little confused about the humans and the rat characters – maybe more delineation after the names in the story. It’s pressing and vivid! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I like how you open the novel with a tense situation. The characters really shine, as can be expected in a second novel. I haven't read your first, but it was easy to get up to speed in this one. I suspect that younger readers should enjoy it as well.

I must caution you about presenting your work to agents and publishers as a series. I tried that with my first novel. I was told that they want a stand-alone book for a first-time author. If it sells, they'll ask for another.

Good luck getting this published. I'll back it.

Brian
Mute

I am a huge fan of YA and this one is GREAT! I love your characters, I love the story...it took off from the very sratr and held my attention throughout. You've got a good read here!

Lockjaw

I like this thus far (just finished the first chapter, about to filp to the second... which is a very good thing). The only problems I could find is, in the first sentence, I think ‘any thing’ SHOULD be one word, but this may be intentional, And no one says “What is so funny,” we say “what’s so funny?” Or at least, that's the common way to talk where I'm from. This intruiging and imaginative. BACKED

This is certainly not my genre but I had to admit that short pitch did pique my interest. Can't say I've seen something like this before on this website. Now the long pitch can use some work. End it at the question mark.

Being Authonomy's #1 commentator and amateur pitch doctor, trust me, spend some time on your pitches; I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

This is a great start and very imaginative so well done. Your opening is great and really intrugues. What is they're looking at? is what everyone will want to know and push them to read on. Your writing style is easy to read and flows nicely.

I would suggest tidying up the layout. There seems to be double and even more lines inbetween some paragraphs. Also perhaps shorten and break up the opening few paragraphs? They are quite long and the speech needs to be more viewable by putting it on a new line.

I wish you the best of luck!
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice