Book Jacket

 

rank 5459
word count 16283
date submitted 22.01.2010
date updated 12.09.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Young Adult, Cri...
classification: universal
incomplete

Aransoaks Fury; Book 2

J. S. Fairfield

When four adventurous youth and a pair of rats join forces to try to stop a murder will they be in time?

 

For most of their life Faulkil and Snowlight have been escaping danger. The pair believe they have found the perfect home in a burrow under a majestic boulder near a peaceful river. Aransoak is a gentle neighborly giant until spring rains and snow melt off combine to turn the river into a raging force of destruction. The rats must escape and time is of the essence, for Snowlight is nearly due to start a family.
The river is causing problems for their human neighbors also. Homes are being swept away,pets killed, businesses destroyed and bridges toppling. Plans are put in place to clean up and repair the destruction. Sarah, a local girl, is informed that her dad who is a prisoner at a county jail will be involved in the cleanup. Unfortunately Tom has angered a group of peers and they are out to kill him. Will Sarah, her friends,and the rats be able to stop her father's murder?

 
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adventures, friendship, rats, youth

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Joey and Paula had never seen any thing like this in their thirteen years of living. It was as though they had stepped into another world from a door in their neighborhood. In a few days the close cropped green fields had been transformed into a melee of pools interconnected by streams that formed an erratic pattern. The channels crisscrossed the hayfield following the lowest terrain and met at a ditch that bordered the main road.

 

 Paula pointed at a small white ball that lay partially buried in the thick brown mud. Months before a strong northeast wind had hurled the child’s toy over ice laden snow before it had come to rest in this spot. The swirling waters were loosening the rich dark earth and after a while the ball rose from its grave as though alive again. It danced on whirlpools, bounced off sodden walls and began bobbing and weaving following the current.

 

 Paula ran after the ball followed by Joey. “What are you doing?” He yelled into the wind and received no reply. The water carried it into a steep ravine where the white object disappeared under the torrent. Seconds later it reappeared and hurtled through a metal culvert bouncing off steel ribs and poured into a bubbling pool. The youths struggled down the hill fighting prickly bushes and rock mounds.  All around the stream the air was filled with the sounds of ice falling from pine, aspen, maple and two apple trees. The hills that followed its course were white with patches of yellowish green and brown. The ball continued down the watery path through twists and turns and over two waterfalls before emptying into the brown churning river. The pair were slowed by the steep embankment and stopped catching sight of the bobbing toy riding the swirling muddy mass.

   

High upon the river bank a lone figure in a yellow poncho caught sight of the ball and frowned. Bob McCready had lived all forty seven years of his life in this little town of Sidney. For more than two decades he had worked in Augusta at the Maine Emergency Management Agency evaluating various potential disasters. He had never seen flooding conditions this severe in his hometown and he was worried. Gusts of wind repeatedly sprayed his face with sheets of rain water. He appeared to take no notice and studied the river with intensity. Hundreds of chunks of ice varying in size from a basketball to a pickup truck moved slowly down the river hesitating occasionally when they collided.

The man turned, walked back to a black SUV and opened the door.  He slid on the seat and reached for a silver phone, dialing as he pulled it to him. He listened until a voice came on and fired a question at him. “Not good,”he sighed. “The water is rising rapidly and the ice is jamming. These are the worst conditions  I’ve seen in my twenty-three years at this job. I hate to be a pessimist but I think this could rival the flood of thirty-six. I would recommend evacuation of homes and businesses, on the river, from Winslow through Gardiner.” He talked for a few more minutes and then he set the compact phone on a clip on his belt.


 

 

As he turned the key and glanced in his rear-view mirror, he caught sight  of movement. A young couple trudged through puddles, decked in rain gear from head to toe. He smiled, remembering some distant memory and shifted the gear lever to go. Joey and Paula returned  Bob's wave as he passed.

 

They climbed the knoll and stood on the same spot Mr. McCready had been on. They studied the river silently, each intent on their own thoughts. A large boulder that had once rested upon the riverbank was now covered with water except for its gray cap. They caught each others eye reflecting the deep concern they both were feeling about the pair that had been living under the monstrous stone. “I was just thinking about the first time you and Charlie met Faulkil and Snowlight.” Paula laughed as she mentioned Joey's best friend.

 

Do you know it's been over a year since Charlie and I were attacked.” Joey shook his head in disbelief at how fast time had gone by.

 

    “You know, I always wanted to ask you something about that day,” Paula hesitated.  “Did you guys have any idea the rats would attack before it happened?”

 

That day as we climbed the stairway we heard the sounds of dozens of rats scurrying about. I felt nervous, but I never dreamed they would attack us”

 

What amazes me is everything that happened this past year.” Paula frowned. “Two of the same rats that were part of the attack on you guys helped you stop Tom Shant from hurting his wife Maggie! Wild rats and humans as allies, I didn't think it was possible.” They both became quiet again taking in the sights and sounds of the storm that encircled them. Their little town was becoming transformed into a vast wetland where occasional dots of land mass with trees and buildings poked through. 

   

    Sidney was for the most part well protected from the rising waters by large sloping hills that bordered its banks. A couple miles from where they stood their was an opening in the hills bordering the Kennebec River. Over a century before a team of men, oxen, and horses had slowly carved a road through the steep river bank. On the opposite shore a train station had been   built. Later the ferry carried such items as pressed hay, apples and firewood to the station. The train had journeyed south to cities such as Portland and Boston bringing the much needed goods.

 

    Today the water was creeping up the Ferry Road threatening houses ahead. News was that the water would probably crest by early morning. Upriver in Winslow, businesses, homes and a small fort were within a stones throw of the rising flood water. Down river in Augusta and Hallowell the water was lapping against ancient brick buildings and covering shoreline parking lots.

 

You ready?” Joey nodded away from the river.

 


 

Doesn’t it seem like it’s alive?” Paula  replied, not answering his question.

 

What's alive?” He asked curiously.

 

The river.” She wrinkled her forehead, thinking. “It’s like a woman. Quiet and calm one day, then unsettled and turbulent the next.”

 

What exactly does turbulent mean?” Joey asked curiously.

 

Restless and maybe sort of disturbed,” she replied with a smile. Do you remember what the Abenaki people called her before the Europeans arrived?”

 

Yeah it was called Aransoak.”

 

A-ran-soak,” Paula said slowly and smiled. I like that name. It sounds strong and poetic. She turned and starting walking down the hill followed by Joey. For a while not a word was spoken as they walked. A strong gust shook them and Joey stumbled on a rock bumping into Paula. She started to fall and he reached for her grabbing her coat, but he was off balance. He jerked her up as he fell. His left foot caught her leg as he went down. Joey’s body thudded on the wet gravel and then something fell upon him driving his face in the mud. “Are you okay?” She cried as she rolled off him.

 

Muesh paj,” Joey growled as brown water spewed from his mouth. He spit repeatedly, coughed and retched up part of his lunch. His head was spinning and he thought he heard somebody snickering. The haze was clearing and he could see her sitting in a puddle and laughing. “What is so funny?”He glared.   She rocked with laughter now and seemed to be trying to speak.

 


 

    “I’m sorry...” more laughter. “You look hideous.”  She covered her mouth  but continued to snort out her nose. “I’m trying to stop,” she apologized. Joey got up and walked to a clear puddle and bent down scooping the water into his cupped hands. He rinsed his face repeating the motion a few times. Paula still sat in the puddle snickering.

 

Come on funny girl.” He reached a hand down and she clutched it and rose to her feet.

 

As they continued on their way Paula looked serious and asked, “How do you think Faulkil and Snowlight are doing?”

 

I don’t know.” Joey hesitated sounding worried. “But I hope they got out in time.” He thought back to how much he had hated the rats a short time ago. Often after the attack, by the pack of rats, he and his friend Charlie had talked of the nightmares. Rats crawled on his head, face, back, and entire body, biting and scratching as they squirmed about. In some of the horrible dreams the rats would sometimes climb into his mouth and dig their way down his throat. He remembered being awoken in a cold sweat many times. His sheet and blankets were twisted on the floor. When the dreams got really bad for one of them, he would call the other. They knew that they were the only two that would understand, having lived through the hellish experience.

 

They had searched for the leader, Faulkil and his mate, Snowlight for months to destroy them. Joey still remembered how close his machete had missed killing the leader.  He also recalled the pair of rats attacking Tom Shant when he was going to hurt or kill Maggie. It was that encounter that cemented his desire to protect the pair.

 

The rats had been living under the huge boulder near the river.  A couple days ago the waters had entered their tunnel dwelling and they had been forced to move. Snowlight had been fatigued as she was soon to be a mother but Faulkil had watched over and guided her . They made their way to a shed that stood high upon a hill overlooking the river. It had housed tools and supplies for the crews that worked in a nearby gravel pit. It was now vacant other than a pile of scrap wood and rags that were scattered around.

 

Faulkil searched and found a spot under the junk wood that offered protection if someone should enter the shed. He gathered  rags one by one and dragged six of them into the hiding place. He pulled them together creating a cushion and then called a sharp whistle. Snowlight approached and sniffed the rags. She let out a low pitched whine and then climbed upon the cloths continuing to sniff and circle the makeshift bed. After a bit her head drooped and she curled into the soft cloth. She soon was asleep.

 

 


 

Paula and Joey made their way down the old country road. The rain was heavier now creating a rapid tapping sound on their vinyl jackets. In one spot on the edge of the road a patch of new asphalt had fallen into a nasty looking crevice. A blue car passed sending arrows of liquid in every direction. In the distance a huge green beast appeared. The driver of the tractor could be seen atop the green metal monster enclosed in glass on four sides. He waved and laughed as he passed, evidently amused at their condition. Soon they approached a small blue ranch style home with a white pickup truck in the yard. The door swung open as they approached, as if by magic. “Get in here!” A woman’s voice beckoned.  “Drop your gear by the door. I’ve got some dry clothes for both of you in the bathroom.” 

 

Paula headed for the bathroom first, while Joey stood quietly by the door watching Mrs. Quinton scurry about. His clothing was drenched. 'So much for wearing rain gear,' he thought.  Falling in the puddle with Paula on top of him had not helped much. After a few minutes Paula appeared in jeans and a pink top. “Cute shirt,” he whispered as he shuffled to the bathroom. He heard mother and daughter giggle while closing the door. When he appeared back wearing sweat clothes that were three sizes too big, Mom and daughter both laughed.

 

Has your dad said much about the condition of the roads?” Mrs. Quinton asked Joey.

 

Well he mentioned that there is a section on the River Road at Iron Creek that they are worried may wash away. They are also concerned at a bunch of low lying areas, that the water may flood the roads so cars can't pass.”

 

What will Rob and Jean do if the baby comes?” Paula spoke of a young married couple that lived a mile away.

 

Let’s just pray the baby waits until this is over.”Mrs. Quinton frowned.

 

Have you guys heard how Sarah and Maggie Shant are doing on the Ferry Road?” Joey asked about the mother and daughter that lived together.

 

I called Sarah this morning.” Paula replied. “They are headed to stay with some friends on the Middle Road. Sarah didn’t seem too concerned about their house. She seems more worried about her dad in prison. He’s still at the Kennebec County Jail waiting for his trial.” Paula hesitated noting Joey’s alert face. “He's getting harassed by three guys at the prison who seem to hate him.” She stopped for a minute appearing to wait for Joey to reply but he remained silent. “I told Mom about your dream Joey.”

 

Joey shrugged. “It was just a dream.” He replied stiffly.

 

 


 

    “You could be right Joey. Mrs. Quinton replied. “Sometimes dreams  just come from eating the wrong food before bedtime or something is bugging us. They are also sometimes messages that are being sent to guide us. Many men and women in the past have received dreams that gave them direction. I tend to think your dream was of that variety.”

 

How do I figure out what it means?” Joey replied with his hand on his chin.

 

Well I know you believe there are supernatural persons ruling the Universe. Good and evil forces arrayed against each other that we join with. From your decisions so far in your life, it appears you have chosen the good side or maybe the good side chose you, would be more correct. Simply ask for help then relax and wait. The answer will come.”

 

A door closed somewhere in the house and Mr. Quinton appeared. He stood in the archway filling the gap with his massive frame. “Nobody told me about this meeting.” He growled with a grin. He approached his wife and kissed her on the forehead. “Nice clothes Joey,” he chuckled. “ Need some suspenders?” Joey covered his face and groaned.

 

We were just talking about the flood and Joey’s dream.” Paula walked to her dad placing her hand in his. “Joey had a dream about the prison and Tom Shant being in danger.”

 

Tom’s paying the price for his stupidity.” Mr. Quinton added. “He needs to face the consequences for his bad decisions, even if he has really changed for the better. If someone's trying to hurt him, than I think we’ll have to pass that job on to a higher power.”

 

And what if that higher power calls on us to help?” Paula had dropped her dad’s hand and was staring at him intensely.

 

Then we help, but we make damn sure that we are meant to be part of the solution.” His          scowl turned to a smile as his daughter squinted her hazel eyes at him.

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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J.S.Fairfield wrote 756 days ago

Did you forget to read Going Out Of Style?
a zoomer

Hi Zoomer. I backed your book. Let me know if it did not show up as backed. I will go back and do it again. J.S.

Dwayne Kavanagh wrote 405 days ago

One of the best first chapters I've read on here! Hands down!

Amazing discriptions. True to life characers. Dialogue that's perfect for the characters. This is a book that would force me to break open my wallet.

6 stars...and backed!

Good luck with this!

Cheers,
Dwayne

briantodd wrote 408 days ago

'Aransoaks Fury; Book 2' is best in its descriptive passages. The author has great talent in describing the flooding of the landscape as the river (known to the Indians as the Aransoak) overflows. In this age of extreme natural events this tale could resonate with the reading public. The childrens rambling in boats and bikes around the locality are all well done and I really enjoyed the various animal passages. You have a keen eye for the behaviour of animals and their interaction with humans. The everyday life of the rat family is very sensitively portrayed and Joey's interaction with the calves and cows and cat on the farm are enthralling. These in my view are the strengths of this book.
There are references to the original book in the text of this sequel and although as a reader I have been given a pretty good idea of the events of that book I am still a little puzzled by the plot. A central thread in part 2 seems to be that Tom Shant, a violent wife beater, rightly imprisoned, is being harassed by three even more violent inmates. The rats who he almost killed when they intervened in the domestic violence he created plus his daughter and her friends are going to team together to prevent his murder. The author has indicated that Tom is resourceful and repentant of his past actions but as a reader he is not the sort of character who we would normally be asked to empathise with and root for. My reaction to this unfolding thread would be to suggest a better plotline would be for Tom to heroically save people endangered by the flooding (with the rats help) and earn his redemption properly.

Snowlight and Faulkil are excellent characters and the way the author has described their interaction and the birth of their offspring is captivating. The way you relate the circumstances of the loss of two of their babies is superbly and poignantly done.

I personally don't think the naming of the baby rats and giving them the ability to speak English works. This story could work just as well without taking this step and all of the strengths of the narrative would be unimpaired. Snowlight and Sarah's relationship could still be a crucial plot device for involving the rats in the human drama.

Many of literatures leading 'animal' stories give a template (James Herriot, Henry Williamson, Paul Gallico) of how truly emotional interaction between humans and animals can be achieved on the page without the need for the animals to speak.
Other comments I noted as I read along were
- why not give us Faulkil and Snowlights reaction in real time to the rising water. You could do this brilliantly I am sure, underlining the rats instinctive understanding of nature versus Mr. McCready's need for careful observations and warnings given to other humans perhaps too late.
- Paula's language a bit adult in her early conversations with Joey
-difficulty in understanding how Joey is going to team up with the rats if he is still having nightmares about being attacked by them
- some big white gaps in the text- need to look at your formatting
-ch6 when the teenagers are in a boat again doesn't move the narrative forward much
-why does Snowlight have to explain events of the previous book to Faulkil. Got confused. Wasn't he present at the time?
- not sure what you are going to do with that distant sound recorder but this thread sounds as if it may stretch my credulity a little.
The quality of the nature writing in this is exceptionally good and with a few tweaks to the narrative and some of the looser threads I am sure it will gain far more attention on this site.

PCreturned wrote 413 days ago

Hi,

I've finally managed to find time to read your book. Sorry it took a few days. :(

I'll comment as I read, since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. They'll just be my thoughts, after all. You can ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Chapter 1: Intriguing start. Just what's going on here? Has there been a flood?

1 small suggestion. If possible, I think it's best to lead off with dialogue instead of burying it lower in the paragraph. It makes for a quicker and easier read.

Reading on ... Ice. It's starting to look like this was all due to a thaw. wow, the river must really have run wild.

The rat attack grabs my interest. Sounds nasty. Odd, too. Hmm could this be foreshadowing of events to come?

I've another small suggestion here. Could you make the dialogue a bit less formal? eg "I didn't think it was possible" sounds a bit still for a character her age. I think something like "Crazy huh?" would sound more real.

I also think you don't need to describe your dialogue so much eg in " "What's alive?" he asked curiously" we know he's curious from the question, so you don't need "curiously" at all. Let your dialogue shine on its own merits. It's good. :)

Reading on... Joey's fall in the mud made me laugh, and the spitting out of brown water. Hmmm I'm wondering with the next bit just why are the rats acting so oddly? Something strange might be going on here.

And Joey's dream... does it have some deeper meaning? Is it prophetic perhaps? Interesting. Mr Quinton comes as a complete contrast. a breath of fresh air. I think he's the pragmatist here.

Chapter 2: I think the scene with Joey waking and feeling something's up is well and subtly written. It's gradual and suggesting.

Is there any chance you could paragraph more often, though? I've noticed by this point there have a been a few pretty intimidating paragraphs. I think the audience you're aiming for might be put off by such blocks of text.

Reading on... I like Joey's interaction with the calf. You make it clear that he loves the animal.

lovely description at the end of the chapter, as well. Very few authors really employ the sense of smell. I'm very pleased that you did. :)

OK I think I've read enough now to have a feel for your story and writing.

I did like your writing, especially for its descriptive nature. I think you really do have a gift for painting pictures with words. And you do a good job of gradually drawing a story out. There are hints that there's far more going on beneath the surface than we've witnessed so far. I think it's a clever and subtle work.

I won't nitpick any more on small things, as I think I've done more than enough of that. I don't want to annoy you. ;)

I've rated this highly, and will try to find a space for it on my shelf as soon as possible.

I do hope you keep working on this. Let me know if you get an agent/publisher. I'd love to hear that news. :)

best of luck,

Pete

Balepy wrote 415 days ago

JSF - Aransoaks Fury; book 2 - love it - original, well written and pacey. backed with stars by Balepy of Freckles the Fawn fame!

Kim D wrote 424 days ago

I like this a lot. You write very well indeed and i can see why your first book is selling well. It would be interesting to know who is reading book 1. My feeling is that a story with rat characters would do better targeted/ written for the 9 - 12 year old market rather than YA. Whilst i love your prose, I do think the story needs more tension and hooks at the start, especially as this is a thriller and a book for young people.
I hope this helps. I'm intrigued about book 1 now - i'll have a little look on Amazon!
Good luck with it.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

curiousturtle wrote 426 days ago

JS,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

I must confess the writing threw me off at the beginning for your lyricism is that of literary fiction. The care you take in describing or better said, painting the landscape, how much you as writer enjoy it.....

..... that is the marker of historical fiction.

Then the rats start crawling out and you realize this is a thriller.

And that is what is causing me to think twice before giving advice. For literary description is all about the care one takes in describing, there is never enough lyricism for, in literary fiction....

....language is the plot

A thriller on the other hand is all about the things you leave out.

Tension builds through the minimalism of description, the absence of modifiers that like Stephen King would say:

"allow the reader to complete the scene"

Is the ruthless efficiency in the dialogue/description what creates tension on a thriller.

That is why I am so conflicted. The literary fiction guy in me says, I love the way this writer describes..

The reader of thriller in me says: "But he is missing the opportunity to build further tension"

so my advice is the following; keep the lyricism in the opening scene shots for, it would be a crime to edit out such good writing

however as you move into the "thrilling moments" start compressing the dialogue and description, so that it builds the necessary tension required to make the rats feel really gross and disgusting...lol

Let me know if that helps

David

J.S.Fairfield wrote 506 days ago

interesting animal story. I would like to know what has happened to Book 1.

Lynne Ellison


The Green Bronze Mirror



Hi Linda. Book number one is called "Cunning Foe" and is selling fairly well on Amazon , bookstores, and direct sales. If you want to check it out you can go to my website- cunningfoe.com Thanks and best of luck!

Pia wrote 506 days ago

Dear J S, supporting a book on your shelf still counts, I hope you'll have a look at my message. Thanks, Pia

Lynne Ellison wrote 596 days ago

interesting animal story. I would like to know what has happened to Book 1.

Lynne Ellison


The Green Bronze Mirror

nsllee wrote 597 days ago

Hi JS

This is a real traditional children's adventure book and very enjoyable. I like the Canadian(?) setting - it feels fresh and new and there is a real sense of the community that the children live in. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Laura Freeman wrote 599 days ago

You have a cool, original idea here. I like the writing, which is free of hangups like adverbs, and think it is properly geared at your target demographic. Keep up the good work. Backed.

Laura Freeman
Writers on the Storm

Colin Normanshaw wrote 604 days ago

I found the start a little disjointed at times, but overall this is a well told story. I would suggest you check for use of the word "had" - there is a tendency for this to appear too often. Otherwise I am happy to back this. Colin

Sly80 wrote 613 days ago

This is very different, JS. A YA thriller, written in the most visual and vivacious manner, clearly depicts the coming floods with a tennis ball and ice chunks the size of pickup trucks. At the centre of the story, a man in jail, a bunch of teenagers, and ... a couple of wild rats.

Aransoaks Fury II is a complex and captivating mixture of high drama, folk-lore and spirituality, human behaviour - addressing real fears and imagined - and that least-loved of animals, the rat. I'm sure the target audience will not only be fascinated and entertained, they will also absorb some important lessons ... backed.

Possible nits: I find it odd that Paula compares the river to a woman as this sounds more like a masculine statement - perhaps better if she were quoting someone else. Dialogue punctuation is a bit inconsistent. It should be: "Yes," she said (the 'she said' is part of the same sentence as what she said), "Really?" he asked. Anything that isn't to do with the 'talking' is a separate sentence, e.g. "You can never tell." He shook his head.

A. L. Reynolds wrote 630 days ago

Lovely, descriptive prose. It's refreshing to find a book that isn't endless dialogue with no description. This is well written, and well worth backing!

Andrew Burans wrote 640 days ago

You have written a very interesting and compelling storyline and crafted a most memorable character in Sarah. The dialogue is well written and the pace of your story flows well. This and your descriptive writing ensures that your work will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Shakespeare's Talking Head wrote 644 days ago

Hi. Just some thoughts as I read. Love the premise. I think the intended readership will enjoy.

In the short pitch, I think you may need a plural: "When four adventurous youth(s) and a pair of rats join forces to try to stop a murder will they be in time?"

Paula pointed at a small white ball.../ this could/should be the beginning of second paragraph.

While large paragraphs are fine, It's my belief that if you can not do it, all the better. Yes, there are certain times you can't get away with it, but as an opener to any story, I think it should be avoided at all cost. Please keep in mind this says nothing of how nice the story is and is only my opinion.

some dialogue tweaks needed. Here's one I found:
"You could be right(,) Joey(," Mrs Quinton replied.

After reading the first chapter, I see promise with this story. I think someone touched on a very good point below: well thought out (and well placed) action tags can remove the need for some explanatory sentences. i.e., 'Have you guys heard how Sarah and Maggie Shant are doing on the Ferry road?' Joey asked about the mother and daughter who lived together.

You don't want your characters to seem like talking heads or marionettes, or for the reader to take any more notice of the narrative than they need to. With the right tags or even a small rewording, much of this can be taken care of. With the example sentence I used, if you were to just leave it with a dialogue tag, the next paragraph explains all you need, stating how she'd called Sarah, and Sarah's mention of her husband not being there. See what I mean?

The story itself is a fine one, but I think, with some care given to breaking some of the longer portions of exposition and carefully chosen action tags, you could make this a very nice read for anyone who enjoys a good YA story.

Best of luck with this story,
Gerry
Dropcloth Angels

eurodan49 wrote 646 days ago

YA is not my genre but I enjoy reading anything that's well written
You display a good balance of narration and dialogue.
Warch your formating (came across as long paragraphs with dialogue burried within).
If you could turn some of the "telling" into "showing" the book will gain in strength.
Some internal dialogue might help in places where the pace is slower.
You'ce got my vote...job well done.
Dan
PS. Would you pls look at TO KILL A DEAD MAN? Comments and backinh will be appreciated

Walden Carrington wrote 656 days ago

I love the rustic descriptions in Aransoak's Fury. This is an original tale sure to enchant young readers who can immerse themselves in such an unusual adventure. Backed with pleasure.

carlashmore wrote 717 days ago

This is some very nice writing. A very imaginative premise is followed with some engaging prose. I would correct your short pitch, however. Surely if there are four adventurous figures then the 'youth' should be plural? My only query would be about the target audience. I mean, if we are dealing with 'rats' as protagonists are we not dealing with children's fiction as opposed to YA. You certainly write perfectly for a YA audience, but I think that is something to consider.
Backed with pleasure though.
carl
The Time Hunters

SusieGulick wrote 731 days ago

Dear J.S., I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will also put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy.

SusieGulick wrote 733 days ago

Dear J. S., I love the intrigue of their feat to try to help - always, will justice prevail? :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

S Richard Betterton wrote 733 days ago

I'll read chap 5, as I imagine you have plenty of comments on the beginning.
This is a lovely insight into a family of rats. The parents are gentle, affectionate, and thoroughly likeable, and it was really sad to find that Tago didn't make it.
A few things I noticed while I was reading, that could be changed to...
Where was Faulkil? she wondered.
the babies' arrival
ripped from its branch (some other it's -> its)
Rudge, a large male, found...
nine-member family
But this is a really enjoyable read. Backed.

Jonathon Bellall wrote 734 days ago

This is an unsual and intriguing book. It evoke a rather mystic anything could happen next atmosphere. Congratulations. Back with pleasure. Jon. (See, I did go first on the read swap!)

Mooderino wrote 744 days ago

The writing's not bad but there are quite a few small errors that could do with sorting out, for example: we could heard the sound of... it's just a small oversight but there's quite a few of them and they spoil an otherwise flowing read.

Joey's speech about 'That day as we climbed the stairs...' felt too written and not like natural speaking. Paula's response was very expositiony, she tells him stuff he already knows. Her comment about the river being like a woman didn't ring true, sounded more like a male perspective

It's an intriguing premise withthe rats and there's a strong sense of direction to the story, it knows where it's going. Could do with a good proofread though. Backed.

Raymond Nickford wrote 749 days ago



Tension is very well built as Paula and Joey pursue the ball caught up in the flow of the river, the excitement heightened as the large chunks of ice break. You judiciously select your detail to create a real sense of immediacy and vividly describe the awesome power of the river.

Through their recollections, as much as the very natural dialogue, you bring the children alive to the reader, give us a good idea of their earlier adventures and, for me, the two became the more plausible at every step of the narrative.

The premise of the rampant rats and yet relating to the children is a refreshing departure within your genre and this, combined with the promise of an intriguing storyline already given in your synopsis, made me want to read on and strongly suggests to me that this would readily appeal to a wide YA readership.

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)


A. Zoomer wrote 755 days ago

Great scene setting. I like your writing.
Backed the book.
(still can't find where you have backed Going Out In Style- oh well!)
a zoomer

DP Walker wrote 755 days ago

Hi JS
This is a really original idea for a YA book and as someone else points out, it is nice to read something that is not about vampires! You create a lot of tension and mystery from the outset and leave the reader with plenty of unanswered questions. Best of luck with it.
DP Walker
Five Dares

J.S.Fairfield wrote 756 days ago

Did you forget to read Going Out Of Style?
a zoomer

Hi Zoomer. I backed your book. Let me know if it did not show up as backed. I will go back and do it again. J.S.

jdub wrote 757 days ago

great poetical writing style, backed John Warren Lasting Images, take a look jw

Lara wrote 757 days ago

I'm sure from your choice of content that you must be full of humour but you write your self-profile very formally. I liked the rat idea you described of your first novel. This one perhaps assumes that the first has been read? I think, for children, the title is handicapped by a difficult name. It doesn't summon up any picture in itself and it dpesn't roll off the tongue. However, on beginning Ch 1 the writing is lovely. I think the first paragraphs need breaking up a lot. You continue in the same para when the subject changes, and so on. It will have more impact and present better, especially to a child reader, if the paras are mainly short at the beginning. When you get into dialogue, cut out the 'telling' such as 'he said stiffly'. Every time you have a line of speech you add some explanation. Dialogue should speak for itself.

I'm sure it's a great plot and I love the scene setting so I will back it.

Rosalind
Good For Him (pl look at 8 as well)

A. Zoomer wrote 758 days ago

Did you forget to read Going Out Of Style?
a zoomer

Christa Wojo wrote 760 days ago

I love the rustic setting of your unique story. It's nice to see rats get to be the goods guys. They always get a bad rap.
I found some of you sentences awkwardly formulated and confusing, but that can be easily juggled around. Your talent is in your pacing, description and detail. With a thorough edit, I think you have a winner! Backed.

Good Luck!
Christa

CarolinaAl wrote 761 days ago

You have an artist's eye for important details. Your imagery is awesome. You use your fluent narrative masterfully to reveal your characters and settings. Your dialogue is interesting and progresses your plot. Your pacing is spot on for my tastes. This is an engaging, tense YA adventure. Backed.

zan wrote 761 days ago

Aransoaks Fury; Book 2
J. S. Fairfield

What an imaginative and engaging story about rats helping out humans! The rising river as a threat and source of destruction is so contemporary, and the fact is that in some cultures, the rat is worshipped! This is a first rate plot and a good thriller for your target YA audience. Happy to give this a spin on my shelf.
Best,
Zan

Famlavan wrote 761 days ago

Aransoaks Fury

First, sorry it took so long to comment after backing, time just recently took on a totally new dimension.

What a great story!!!
I think you opening is very neat, for me a little descriptive sound would really ground it, make a fuller picture (just me).
I very much like the hook and the intrigue you build in the first chapter, sets the scene very, very well. Good book, perfect for the genre. – Good luck.

eloraine wrote 762 days ago

Really interesting, good luck with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Cait wrote 762 days ago

Aransoaks Fury:

I think this has lots of potential, as you have interesting characters and situations, and when edited for tightening, etc, it be a really good book for your YA readers.

I think a colon instead of a semi-colon would be better in your title?

Will give this a spin on my revolving shelf.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

Cyndi Tefft wrote 763 days ago

A couple of typos:
“their was an opening in the hills” spelling error
“within a stones throw” missing apostrophe
Also, you are missing commas in many of your sentences (i.e. "Paula walked to her dad, placing her hand in his.")

J.S.,

You have a lot going on in this first chapter, most of it back story rather than happening real-time. Switching from the two kids to Mr. McCready, then to the rats, to the kids... it seemed a little disjointed, especially as it ended talking about Sarah and her dad. I thought that some of the dialogue between the kids seemed unnaturally adult (i.e. "unsettled and turbulent the next"). I thought the section about the higher power was a bit strange as well, since I don't hear people normally talk that way (could be where I'm from- don't know).

I did really like the pitch and I was intrigued by the idea of the story being told from the rats' point of view. I think you have an interesting premise and it needs some tightening to give it a more enticing intro so the reader can jump right into the story.

I hope that is helpful!

Cyndi
Between

A Knight wrote 763 days ago

J.S.

This is great work, really interesting, compelling and perfect for the young adult target audience. I haven't read YA crime for a while, the last lot might have been *mumbles* Hardy Boys, but you've brought that interesting premise into the present.

Great Work!
Abi xxx

J.S.Fairfield wrote 772 days ago

Thanks guys for reminding me about the long paragraphs. I will divide them soon. Large paragraphs have never bothered me when reading a book. I guess I assumed they were fine with others. Whoops and hee haw. Thanks again guys for all the feedback. The check is in the mail. Was I supposed to put a stamp on it? crap!

Nikki B wrote 773 days ago

I agree with the previous comment, I had a very hard time getting past the first paragraph because it was so long. You could probably break it in at least three paragraphs, same with a couple of the other ones. I think that would definitely let your story flow a little more. Backed!

AdamDaehnke wrote 774 days ago

JS -

I think the first few paragraphs are a bit lengthy. In all honesty, I'm not sure that it is more correct one way or another (everyone has their opinion), but short paragraphs help keep the reader moving (in my experience).

Also, don't rely so much on the dialogue to provide background and story elements. Unless one of the characters is telling a story, keep the dialogue a little bit shorter, more direct and more back-and-forth between the characters.

Obviously, flooding (and anything related to weather) immediately draws the reader's attention in our age of relentless global warming coverage. So, I found it to be timely in that sense. A little more description around the rats would help early on in the story.

This won't be everyone's cup of tea, but that's probably a good thing. With thousands of folks trying to write about vampires or child abuse or infidelity or aliens - this serves as a breath of fresh air and breathes new life into the Sci-Fi genre.

Clearly, you have the talent to write very well and have clearly defined the story you wish to tell. Backed.

lionel25 wrote 775 days ago

JS, your first chapter is rather enjoyable. I think this story really has potential. I must point out that some of your paragraphs seem a bit long. I have no problem with this, but others might.

Good job overall. Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

A. L. Reynolds wrote 775 days ago

Lovely prose and descriptions. You could do with breaking up the paragraphs a bit to make all those wonderful descriptions stand out a little more!

klouholmes wrote 775 days ago

Hi J. S., This is a strange telling about humans being helped by rats. The impending crisis of the water rising was well-described and impelled the action. From the synopsis, I was a little confused about the humans and the rat characters – maybe more delineation after the names in the story. It’s pressing and vivid! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Brian Bandell wrote 776 days ago

I like how you open the novel with a tense situation. The characters really shine, as can be expected in a second novel. I haven't read your first, but it was easy to get up to speed in this one. I suspect that younger readers should enjoy it as well.

I must caution you about presenting your work to agents and publishers as a series. I tried that with my first novel. I was told that they want a stand-alone book for a first-time author. If it sells, they'll ask for another.

Good luck getting this published. I'll back it.

Brian
Mute

Lockjaw Lipssealed wrote 776 days ago

I am a huge fan of YA and this one is GREAT! I love your characters, I love the story...it took off from the very sratr and held my attention throughout. You've got a good read here!

Lockjaw

Sarah_Faith wrote 777 days ago

I like this thus far (just finished the first chapter, about to filp to the second... which is a very good thing). The only problems I could find is, in the first sentence, I think ‘any thing’ SHOULD be one word, but this may be intentional, And no one says “What is so funny,” we say “what’s so funny?” Or at least, that's the common way to talk where I'm from. This intruiging and imaginative. BACKED

soutexmex wrote 779 days ago

This is certainly not my genre but I had to admit that short pitch did pique my interest. Can't say I've seen something like this before on this website. Now the long pitch can use some work. End it at the question mark.

Being Authonomy's #1 commentator and amateur pitch doctor, trust me, spend some time on your pitches; I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

Aimee Fry wrote 779 days ago

This is a great start and very imaginative so well done. Your opening is great and really intrugues. What is they're looking at? is what everyone will want to know and push them to read on. Your writing style is easy to read and flows nicely.

I would suggest tidying up the layout. There seems to be double and even more lines inbetween some paragraphs. Also perhaps shorten and break up the opening few paragraphs? They are quite long and the speech needs to be more viewable by putting it on a new line.

I wish you the best of luck!
Aimee
His Pride, Her Prejudice

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