Doubts

Simon
This is top-quality writing. You have an unusual story here with a very real and likeable main character. Doubts is the sort of book that wins competitions - I'm sure it will be picked up by somebody. Shelved.

DOUBTS
I was browsing through past gold star books (the forum says books on this site used to be better than now) so stopped to read Doubt. I know you say to read Dying to Learn instead but I couldn’t find it listed. And I enjoy doing the opposite of what I’m told to do so I read the first three chapters of Doubt. I can see why this appealed to Harper Collins. Your writing style is fresh and clear. David is a good character because he’s so confused by what is happening to him. The trip he starts on offers just enough mystery to make it appealing to young adults. A nice break away from vampires and demons. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

A worthy addition to the ed desk. You are a talented writer and I urge you to take the advice from HC, this deserves to be published.

Hello Simon,

After backing your excellent "Phasmatis: Back to Life," I turned to "Doubts" and find it another well-written, compelling novel. I admire the way you build suspense from the first chapter on, even while including essential background, atmosphere, and character drawing. The sinister ringing phones were very effective, resolved with the envelope. I want to read on, but will pause to back.

Please take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville" and tell me what you think.

Best of luck, Bill

wow, love the story, it is very interesting...its unique and the characters are very appealing--

I read a lot of young adult and childrens books. I think your story is intriguing and VERY interesting. I have a 14 year old and a 20 year old. I read the first chapter to them and they loved it. I am shelving this book. Young Adult is your target audience. Trust them! Marilyn- Jonny and the Magic Watch

Yep, the cover is quite good, just enough of the masculine.
Ch 1: 'Pushed wide to [avoid] a swathe of old ladies', they did not actually push him, small point. Nice pace. Destination Paris inserts added interest. 'Ivory-covered cottage' just wondered what with all those raging hormones, what was really on his mind? The telephone rang I liked that. 'The net curtains of number four still flapping in the breeze.' I liked that too. So far you have made the mundane special [the bike race is not mundane] and I feel like I am reading a published book. Look forward to readin gnext one. Yolanda Eye of an Artist

I have a lot, but it's all constructive.

First, let me say great story. The fact that it made it to the ed's desk is testament to that in itself, but I did notice some things that could pull the reading together a little better beginning with Chapter One.

In the beginning there seems to be a problem understanding what that the race is taking place in David's head for certain. Your writing is so vivid that the two worlds get too intertwined and confuse the reader. The best way to fix this is to tell the reader straight out that this is all taking place in David's mind. I jotted some notes that you could use:

"The doors of the tube slid open. Trains, pedestrians, and buried cement transformed into bicycles, competitors, and open road as David's imagination clicked into third gear of his imaginary bike. The flag went down to signal the start of one of the toughest, most grueling stages in his latest Tour de France creation of underground tube exiting."

This lets the reader know immediately that this is an imaginary bicycle race, not one for certain. Also, later you mention the intrusion of other thoughts taking the place of the bicycle race, but David keeping them at bay. I would suggest adding more to it such as:

"The mental intrusion of jockeys and wet dirt almost broke his concentration..."

And later, you need to let the audience know clearly when David returns to reality. This means altering that paragraph slightly about leaving Turnpike Lane such as:

"He set off contented, letting his mind return to reality and away from Turnpike Lane tube station."

When the phone rings for the first time cut "The phone here also started up."

When David's at the number six address only put "Next was number six. The phone rang, muffled." Cut the rest.

In the next paragraph cut the sentence "Maybe he should go up and see if the call is for him" and at "listening to it ring as he passed to the now last sentence of the paragraph.

Cut the entire paragraph beginning "Everything around him oozzed..."

Don't have David go look at the letter. Just write: "...There was a white envelope sticking out... Was it a notice of disconnection? Was that why the phone hadn't rang?"

Cut everything up to David continuing down the shore across his beach of calm and continue from there.

My reasoning for wanting all this cut and changed as a reader is because I want the tension to build. With all the extra wording it slows down the moment and leave the reader going back to ensure they didn't miss anything when their eyes should just glide across the page.

When inside the house don't write "the ringing came from within." Much has been happening in his imagination and this leads the reader to question whether or not the phone ringing is occurring inside his head. Just change the wording.

I would cut out the mental rewind. It's just confusing

Chapter 2
Make sure you move him to the couch when he opens the letter. The way it reads now I still picture him at the door.

When doing the names of people that have letter in alphabetical order just have them appear throughout the text as he thinks of them. It makes it more fun and shows the tangents of his thoughts. An example would be: David thought of the name Errol Flynn, but was stuck on F.G....Felipe Gonzalez (ex-president of Spain). How did..." And later break up the sentences like so.
"Rained.
Raining men
Geri Halliwell, for G.H."
This shows the different steps of David's train of thought.

Chapter 3
Combine the thoughts David has of the past and him falling from cliff face. It shows the battle of thoughts in David's brain.

I will stop now because this is way too long and I have no idea why I wrote all of that. But it's mostly because i see the potential in the piece and admire its creativeness, but also know it can be greater and much more. I can see why it has a star. Kudos and great work. It's on my wall.

Later days and sorry for the long message,
Later days,
Kenny

I liked how the story presented David's imaginative world to us, showing it to us rather than telling us about it. The opening sequence provides micro-conflict via the "race" and gives the reader insight into David by showing him in action. The ringing of the phones follows quickly, introducing the disturbance that will set David on his hero's quest. Thus, I felt that the story got started straightaway, which I like.

I feel that David makes for a wonderful protagonist. His mental state is pleasantly weird. However, starting around chapter 3, I felt the story began to lose focus. David takes the train, walks to the cliff, gets pushed off ... and it turns out to be just a dream. While that fits with his active imagination and the pseudo-Tour de France opening, it also pushed the book into experimental "nothing is real" territory. Nothing wrong with that, so long as it's okay for the average reader to stop caring at this point....

The story seemed to lose direction following the first dream sequence. Suddenly, David is without a goal, and thus he ceases to be a viable protagonist. The interlude with Cristina then becomes a stray event. A goalless David means that as a reader I can't figure out what's important in any given scene. I.e., I can't answer the question "so what?"

One other result of David's lack of a clear goal / dilemma is that the long flashback in chapter 5 feels like a sidetrack. David hurt his head sometime in the past. Okay. But when chapter 5 rolls around, as a reader, I was still short one clear plotline. Thus, I feel that the flashback occurs either too soon or possibly too late. This event might better serve as a prolog, or it might better be put off until later, when the reader is deeply immersed in the main plotline. As it stands, I feel chapter five could just as easily become two or three sentences of dialog between David and Cristina. "I fell out of a tree and hit my head and wound up in a coma for a long time." As a reader, I'm longing for a clear idea of what this story is really about.

Chapter six introduces some conflict, showing us how David's condition affects him, and how he goes about his life in spite of the condition. Still, I'm not sure if David has a clear goal or not. His goal might be to overcome his strange mental condition, but what exactly can he do to achieve that goal? Are there mental exercises he can do, sudoku, meditation? If he has a goal that is out of his control, then I don't think that qualifies as a protagonist's quest....

In chapter seven, we get a few mentions of the dream world and a mysterious stranger appears at the end of the chapter, but otherwise chapter seven feels like a different story than what the first chapter promised us.

By this point, I feel like the story's wandering. We've had one chapter introducing David and what appears to be a key conundrum, a chapter of "it was all just a dream," a chapter or two of backstory, and now a chapter of high school life.

Chapter eight ends with the ominous "Was it possible to ... fall asleep inside a dream?" Unfortunately, we now have a make-believe character in a book who is inhabiting a dream world. I have to believe that some readers will view the end of chapter eight as a threat, and they might opt-out at that point.

I feel that "Doubts" undertakes a very difficult type of story. "What's real and what isn't" is certainly a viable question to throw at the reader, but the danger is that the reader will respond with, "Who cares?" Thus, I think the story has to make sure the reader has something solid to care about. Probably true of any story, but there you go.

For me to care, I need something to hold onto that I know is a real conundrum. In "The Matrix," we connect to Neo. He has a goal of finding out what the matrix is. He pursues that goal, and ultimately finds the answer. And though the answer invalidates his earlier existence, viewers don't feel cheated or disappointed because we still have Neo to hang onto, and he still has a goal: figure out how to adjust to this new world.

The movie "Twelve Monkeys" fits in here too, with its "is this real or is this my insanity?"

So this kind of thing can certainly work. But for me, I feel that the current story's organization is off just a bit, and I also don't sense that David has a concrete goal that drives him. Even his decision to push Victor off the cliff comes across as a spur-of-the-moment decision, rather than as a desperate act that follows three or four foiled attempts to break out of the dream world.

It seems that David is mostly coasting along, responding to events rather than driving them.

Exposition / Telling

I felt that the story relied an awful lot on telling rather than showing. There also seemed to be quite a bit of exposition. Not necessarily long blocks of it, but intrusive paragraphs or sentences at regular intervals that I felt interrupted the flow the story and distracted me. More on this in the Details section.

Details

> David was up and ready.

I felt the opening would be better without this sentence. It feels vague to me and doesn't give me a solid mental image. I feel it detracts from the second sentence of the opening, which looks like a winner to me. Replacing "his" with "David's" would make the first sentence entirely unnecessary.

> Life was good....

I classify this paragraph as telling and exposition.

> As he walked by the first house.... The shrill tones
> reached him across the carefully tended flowerbed....

It seemed the story wandered a bit here, describing a house with a bay window and flowerbed that ultimately don't figure in the story. The ringing of the phone and the gnomes seem to be the point, and I feel the prose should focus on those, so as not to distract the reader with ancillary detail.

> But adrenaline still pumped through his veins....

This paragraph felt like telling followed by exposition. I'd rather see his hands quivering, hear his heart pounding, have his stomach growl for a sugar fix, or something like that.

> On home ground his reaction was different....

This paragraph felt like telling, and it definitely stopped the forward movement of the story as far as I was concerned.

> A world tour ... appealed.
> Back to the envelope....

If not for the telling first sentence, the second sentence could be omitted, thus granting the reader freedom to interpret for themselves David's brief mental sidetrack. This would also keep the story flowing without interruption.

> He'd just finished a difficult first year....

Exposition / telling. If this backstory is truly significant, then I think the story should provide the information by showing vs. telling. For instance, some specific remembered incident that will illustrate what was difficult about David's first year.

> It was the best kiss David had experienced....

Several paragraphs of telling. Though ostensibly a flashback, this memory comes across as exposition. By telling us about the kiss, rather than letting us experience it as David did, the story presents us with an objective essay rather than an immediate fictional scene.

What a wonderful writer you are, Simon. Shelved, of course.
Lynn

David, glad to return the read, and what a great one it was. Love your style of writing and the pace and structure of this is spot on. A great review from HC which really sums this up. Best of luck and have put on to my shelf.

Simon,
What do you want me to say that hasn't already been said?
I simply loved the first couple of chapters. Feel so inadequate in comparison. Great intro to plot, stylishly written, great protagonist. My classes aged 14 plus would love this. I'm up for buying some class sets once its published so good luck with the editing. It'll be worth it in the end...
Rona

Word for word, your prose is quite clean and flowing. I like the use of short paragraphs to keep things going.

There's also a lot of good material in here, but I kept getting thrown off the track by seeming irrelevancies--descriptions of plants, musings about the letters in celebrities' names--and by confusing setting changes. He's in a bike race, he's in his recliner, he's on the train . . . what? I realize the point is to tell a story about mind control and perception, and perhaps to show that David is a character who's already consumed by seeming irrelevancies--perhaps due to mental illness. But in a story where these things will be happening, I think it's important first to establish a baseline of normalcy. That way you'll have someplace to go.

I am very comfortable with your style. Suggestions: You dont need a comma after "The silence reigned ... but one is appropriate after "With a huge sigh of relief..." and ...Is the spelling of dialing (chapter one) correct?

You might do another pass at grammatical edits.....

I'll definitely read more.......

Hi Simon, you have the gold star but I owed you a read so thought I'd give you some thoughts.

It's a great opening chapter and you touch on one of my key fantasies from when I was a boy - dodging the lasers which would fire if I stepped on the wrong square of linoleum on my parents' kitchen floor. I was never zapped, of course, but your excellent start reminded me of that. It's a smashing way to introduce a sense of danger and mystery "on the sly", right before your plot kicks in at the end. Very well done, and I wish you all the best with this

P

Good Walter Mitty-esque hook, without beating the reader over the head with it. Cute and clever. Got to a complication with little fuss, making us want to keep reading.

I like the constant derailing of his thought process. Very realistic (at least for me, but then, I'm autistic, so there you are...).

Chapter 3 reads like an excerpt fom Douglas Adams.

Easy to see why this made the Fab Five.

If I were going to nitpick I'd suggest using your Find feature and locate all those pesky adverbs ending in -ly. You might have a few too many. Different, more active verbs could supplant them. Oncve in a great while there's a variety problem--too many similar sentences. In Chapter 2 a paragraph has 4 sentences out of 5 begin with 'He'.

Hi simon good luck. I hope you've done well
from Matthew and Jonathan

Ok, now I know why it's on the ED! But I still don't know how I've missed this before! Brilliant! Snappy, fast-paced start, and what an exciting story!
This pa got me: "cycling was often on his mind..."
Love this: "...concrete mixer proportions"
Excellent stuff!

Simon. This is one of the funniest books I have read on Authonomy. Brilliant timing. I have no idea where the story is going, but I can only assume it will be laid withmany more one-line-wonders.:)

The line with the girls at the party had me really smiling to myself, and the way you moved into Gerry Hallywell was perfection.

You have a natural talent for making people smile, so this must get my vote for outstanding quality.


Best of Luck Simon. You deserve to be published.(imo)

Frank.

I find the story a bit confusing, with the constant flashbacks. Occasionally there's a bit of a weak phrase. He hits the water 'with incredible force'. What's that force going to do to him, how will he feel it? Why doesn't the impact kill him or at least knock him unconscious so he drowns?

Overall, it's well written, but I think it needs to be clearer, with less jumping about.

I am glad I got to read this today. The buzzing phones, the name written in capitals etc. This is so different and very attaching. Will come back for more and will wait for it at my bookstore!

WOW! WOW! You got me. You really got me. You are good.

I haven't read anything this crazy in awhile. I will have to come back later and read more. For now, on the shelf.

What a wonderfuly crafted story! You are on my shelf for sure! Loved it! Good luck!

I still maintain it's master class.

Thanks, Trev'

I was thinking about this, Trevor: I basically wrote my story in a month one summer, and apart from cutting some superfluous stuff from the start, and reordering the first five chapters, (from 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 to 3, 4, 5, 1, 2) it hasn't actually changed that much. Any time I have changed a part, someone has found a typo!

Lisa-Marya
Interesting comment you made: 'well-written and error free.' This rather proves a point I attempted to make a while back regarding 'egg head' writers with more qualifications than rocket scientists constantly 'updating' their presentations. Haven't had any of this from Simon Betterton. But then again, he refuses to stoop to conquer.

Intelligent analysis, Trev.

Lisa-Marya
Interesting comment you made: 'well-written and error free.' This rather proves a point I attempted to make a while back regarding 'egg head' writers with more qualifications than rocket scientists constantly 'updating' their presentations. Haven't had any of this from Simon Betterton. But then again, he refuses to stoop to conquer.

Intelligent analysis, Trev.

Simon - I'm puzzled by my own response. This must be a good book because I've just finished it but, I'm sorry, I haven't enjoyed it, the ambiguity annoys me and I'm not interested in David's mind and experience. Maybe, I'm thinking, it frightens me slightly? And maybe, as often, all this says more about me than your book, which is well-written and error free.. Congrats and good luck.

Hi Simon,

You have a truly unique style here that shouts brilliance. I was at first a little thrown by the quick skip from the race at the beginning of chapter one to David walking down the street, but soon realized this is just part of the books, or shall I say the character's, style. The ringing phones, the letter, everything is so intriguing. I only had time to read chapter one tonight, as it's late, but I know this deserves a shelf spot, so onto my shelf it goes! I'll be back for more of this. I need to learn what happens in the story and experience your original deliverance of it.

Very crisp, punchy writing with the appeal which must surely lead to publication before long. Look forward to the HC editor's take on it. Best of luck. MHM

Hi Simon - I've started working my way through this and am really enjoying it. Good luck with month end and consider this humbly bookshelfed!
Rowan

From 'David was up and ready.' to 'David started to run.' I've just sprinted the whole 9 yards,or in this case, chapters...Phew!
A remarkable piece of electrifying literary composition. But I see it has all been said before, so what can I add? Nothing. Except you are a person endowed with extraordinary intellectual power!

Shelved!

Hi Simon,

I enjoyed the compelling pace you set from the beginning and it's obvious that we're in for a bumpy ride! The dream sequences are so well written as is David's confusion as his dreams and real-life blur.

You deserve your place on the editor's desk and I wish you lots of luck.
Good luck!
Berni

There is nothing more to add to what has already been said. This is a fine piece of writing and it's position in the charts is no more than it deserves. Like everyone else, I have no Doubts. Shelved belatedly but immediately.

Hello Simon
Not sure I can add much more than has already been said. But I liked the short paragraphs - they kept me going which was helpful because I have poor concentration. I also liked the visual descriptions, would have liked even more. The endings keep me hooked (I have only read four chapters so far). Am looking forward to reading the rest.
Thanks
Fiona

Hi Simon,
I've read through the first five chapters, and I'm hooked. I think the dialogue is great, and David is likeable. The flow is great. The whole kind of creepy tone is interesting to me. And, I love the Radiohead reference! And the telephone ringing was intriguing. I'll be back to read more, but for now, you're shelved!

Hi Simon. Intriguing stuff. Love it.

Way out of my normal reading, but it grabbed me and held me. Huge curiosity factor. Bookshelving immediately. Particularly loved the way the reader isn't ever sure of anything.

Nitpicks: Nothing in the first few chapters, but after you introduce Cristina you began head hopping. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but it wasn't always during a clean break, so maybe it snuck in. Maybe not.

Cheers and good luck.
Chris.

Hi Simon,

I really like this. It flows quite nicely and the pace is great. Your ending hooks pull me right along into subsequent chapters. Of course, I'm anxious to know what's happening with your MC. Great characterization. I especially liked the bit about the plant. Made me smile. Looks like your well on your way to the ed's desk and it's certainly deserved. I'm going to clear a spot for you on the shelf.

What a bunch of fucking babies. Reach out, if you can, to find your potential.
S… A…. No S.

Quality stuff! I loved the multitude of telephones ringing, it's a fantastically freaky concept and the imagery of it is incredibly vivid. Your slightly strange, offhand style of writing really draws you in and keeps you reading, and I really liked the paragraph link between the name game and 'what the dickens'. In fact, I've not come across the name game before and will be using it to while away the next tedious work meeting I'm stuck in!

Top stuff, shelved - good luck in maintaining that top spot and getting an editors read, your work deserves it!

Cheers

Stanny

This grabbed me. Quite well done. I like the little humorous phrasings sprinkled in a rather dramatic story. It works well.

Well 3 chapters in and the story's going very well. Will have to call back later to see what happens at the end of the big fall. On tyhe shelf and trust you make the big cut.

Well 3 chapters in and the story's going very well. Will have to call back later to see what happens at the end of the big fall. On tyhe shelf and trust you make the big cut.

Dear Simon,

I have had your book on my watchlist for a while, and every time I'd try to sit down something inevitably came up. Today, I have read half of what you have posted. The mention of the phones ringing and the stamps in the beginning I feel were the real hooks in your story which grabbed my attention and kept pulling me in like a rip tide.

I hate to say that I didn't take notes, and to be honest, I didn't really want to. I wanted to enjoy your book as a book. Not as something I'm critiquing like I know something. So I just read. I read every word. No skimming. No floating. Just read. This is incredibly tight writing. The story unfolds delicately and your characters are three dimensional. Your sentence structures are varied and they seem to add to the lyrical quality of your prose.

I am truly impressed.

Shelved.

Rachel May

Hi Simon,

I just finished the first four chapters, and after peeking at all the comments below, I don't feel I can offer anything useful as far as a critique. Your prose is very easy to follow, and even though I was a bit miffed by the revelation at the top of chapter four, I didn't feel the same sense of "betrayal" that I got from some other books I've read when major plot points turned out to be imaginary, dreams, etc.. Best of luck, and I hope my shelving does it's small part in keeping you on the Ed Desk this month.

~Traci

Simon,

Started to read this, then couldn't stop. I have now finished your posted chapters and I am still wondering if I truly 'got it' or not.

I like your main character but I am not sure what the story is, maybe that is your intention.
Your descriptions, pace and occasional dialogue are good and I understand that the story is clearly taking place mainly in his head. That head is pretty jumbled and you depict that very well. The style is sometimes a little wooden and could benefit from a trim out of asides and distractions, but then maybe that is 'his head' working.

Overall I just don't think this is for me. I read your chapters wanting something to happen and not a lot does. I think I would happily give up at this stage. I was curious but not intrigued. I like a story. For example, I prefer "Apocalypse Now" to "Jacob's Ladder."

That said I am just a lone voice with a talent rating so low that my backing will not be missed in your battle on the desk. It is well written and kind of gripping in an odd way but not for me.

I will keep it on my watchlist and if my rating picks up later in the week and you look like dropping out of favour then I may back it just to see what HC think. That curiosity again.

All the best
Stephen

Simon,
this really is unlike any other book i have read since being on authonomy. your style is completely unique, its intelligent and mystic and at times difficult to keep up with...maybe thats just my lack of education or intelligence, i'm not sure.
i loved the beginning and the imaginitive comparison with the tube. your inticate little details about the character keep us guessing and keeps us intrigued about him, again this is very well done.
this book is doing so well that i dont really feel i can offer advice or critique it but i'll be completely honest, as a guy who likes to write and read various books but mainly horror and thrillers.
your writing style is ver unique - still not sure if its my complete cup of tea but its certainly diferent and that deserves recognition. i love your short sharp sentences and how descriptions of his thoughts or feeling sa re not long, winding sentences, just short stabs of emotion and fee;ing - this wroks very well!
i haven't read enough of your story to say if i truly love the story but its building into one i want to keep reading.
i must admit i find it hard to follow at times though, the inserts of mental thoughts and the change of direction and the lack of in depth character descriptions (this is what i'm on the fence about...just not sure if i prefer this style or not).
anyhoot, i'll stop boring you now...i think this deserves shelving for your unique way of doing the job...i hope this does well and i hope the editors desk will look at this favourably - all the best!
Shaun

Simon
I was late coming to this but it's a very cleverly put together story. I love the word games in the first couple of chapters and the zipping around between the setups as you roll on towards ch6 is very clever. I agree absolutely that it transcends the age range - the tone of voice is really accessible for a 'younger' reader but it flows engagingly for anyone.
Good luck.
Kathrin

exciting start! Fantastic you are on the desk. looking at your comments what can I say? on my shelf!

Simon,

You drew me in with the opening analogy of a bicycle race for movements in a crowd. As the mystery behind David's actions and remembrances advances I find myself looking for clues to solve the riddle and they are there. Well done and I do hope a completed work if not entirely uploaded here.

Some rather obvious 'Britishisms' (if not a word it should be) in the text that I might have stumbled over from an American usage perspective several months ago, after my time on Authonomy caused not a ripple. I think that this book will have a wider audience than the British Isles.

For the record I am a little past the center of your stated age spread and I completely enjoyed 'Doubts'. RT

Dear Simon, Doubts is great. From the opening slalom through the rat-race crowds - something I can only too well identify with - to the deliberate obfuscation of the following chapters, it is a ride that I want to be on. I was wondering if there was going to be a Patrick Duffy moment, which would make a clear separation between what is real and what is not, and when I think I have discovered one, I am still not sure if there is going to be a further rug-pull. A thoroughly entertaining read. On my shelf and good luck staying in the top trio. All best wishes, Andrew.