McCoubrey

I spent a lot of my primary years in a mobile too. :)
A gritty, humourous, insightful and involving read. Shades of an Irish 'Kes' here but plenty of original touches. Only thing I would say is that having one enormous chapter is hard to keep one's place if distracted. You may wish to divide it up into managable chunks so that when the phone goes your reader can find where they are much quicker. :D

Thanks very much Jim.sounds like you had a similar childhood experience. I'm in the process of dividing into chapters and you're absolutely spot on. It seems to read better and the reader can "dip in" as and when.Since I sense that your comments are genuine I'll back your book and then have a look. I hope you don't mind this "reverse" strategy. I definitely appreciate your comments and backing and wish you well with your own writing
All the best!
Mark

I spent a lot of my primary years in a mobile too. :)
A gritty, humourous, insightful and involving read. Shades of an Irish 'Kes' here but plenty of original touches. Only thing I would say is that having one enormous chapter is hard to keep one's place if distracted. You may wish to divide it up into managable chunks so that when the phone goes your reader can find where they are much quicker. :D

This is the most observational and so well crafted character build I’ve read in some time. You capture distorted values of boys at that age and create a very believable story. You ratchet what almost amounts to malice with humour making both more intense and through all this there is McCoubrey. This has a strangely moving feel to it. – Good luck

Mark, you shouldn't understate yourself on the pitch. I'm all for being honest but if you arn't fully confident, don't let the reader know. We all have our insecurities - who doesn't? - but let your work speak for itself. I don't want to know if you think 'hopefully' there's humour and there's some loose plotting. The fact is, I've read the chapter you have posted and found it wonderfully evocative and funny. I loved the mushed up food looking and smelling of shit. Just what a 12 year old would think. Your dialogue is crisp and sharp and this could be a wonderful coming of age story.
Backed
carl
The Time Hunters

Hi,
Superb characterisation and good descriptive prose.
I think you should break it up into chapters as it is easier to read then.
Strong MC voice and much to enjoy and commend here.
Backed.

This book brought back so many memories. You have a great gift both of observation, and of putting what you observe into words. The book flows on at a good fast pace, and is a compelling read. McCoubrey is a very realistically drawn boy, and so are his school friends. You give us both the cruelty and crudity of twelve year old boys, and, in McCoubrey's case, their hidden sensitivity. McCoubrey thinks the waxwings are beautiful, and is sad when they are scared away; but he also can't help laughing at Crozier scaring them. He is sorry for the boy in the dunce's cap, but happy to shout at the TV, hoping the contestants on 'Take your Pick' will win a booby prize. The expressions you use bring your characters and settings vividly to life. 'You're elected,' 'a wee bag of mixed biscuits,' 'just give me a wee minute.' McCoubrey wonders what the difference is between a wee minute and an ordinary minute; as most of us have done. Banana sandwiches for tea - something I haven't remembered for years. The sign saying 'No Catholics,' on the job advertisement brings back memories which have more serious connotations. Your style is brilliant; and you have given McCoubrey an individual and convincing voice. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Mark: both pitches need work. Essentially, you're TELLING in both and not SHOWING. You gotta think of the pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eye. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is a good story. McCoubrey is a great character. Your writing style is engaging and often laugh out loud funny (altho this is a long first chapter). I agree this isn't a children's story; the humor is too subtle for chidren to really appreciate; it's just right for us grown up children. You might look at your pitch: you're a natural writer; I don't think you need to apologize by adding the "hopefully" comments. It's a good read and you should feel confident about that. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hi Mark. I'm enjoying McCoubry's adventures, for one thing
it's all nostalgia for me. Well written I thought and well laid out
(badly needs chapters), funny and fun, I liked the songs.
One typo in pitch 'everyday'
All the best with it.......mikegilli The Free

My goodness it must be the longest chapter in history but I have to say I enjoyed it. I could almost smell the musty chalk piss smell of the junior school. You describe people extremely well and create the tension and fear that McCourdy goes through in th e classroom each day. I love the first person narative it works so well.
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley ( hope you enjoy it)

This reads just like biography which I love. As a bonus, it is very well written and quietly funny. It doesn't try to be funny it just is, and it's great. I shall recommend it to friends. Backed with real pleasure.
BADD

I appreciate the "quietly funny" comment hot lips. The reason that it doesn't try to be funny is that it's totally authentic ie based on real life experiences. Thank you very much for your input and intention to recommend.

Mark

This reads just like biography which I love. As a bonus, it is very well written and quietly funny. It doesn't try to be funny it just is, and it's great. I shall recommend it to friends. Backed with real pleasure.
BADD

You write like Frank Mc Court only less dreary! Well crafted and expert descriptive prose! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Mark
Hi there
You commented on my book (Voices of Angels) a while back. Sorry for not reading this earlier.
I agree with most of the comments, easy to read, get under the skin of Barry Joe well, the pissing scene is great! Also, agree it could do with structuring. I did wonder where this was going, what the chapter one hook would be? It's conversational, and I like that, but i do think it would benefit from a stronger narrative drive, and a separation into chapters.
Hope this helps and good luck.
Hannah

Hi Mark
This is a very enjoyable tale - I think you've captured the voice of a 12-year-old perfectly and brought to the fore ideas that young boys become pre-occupied with. I assume later on in the novel (I haven't got that far yet) that you have a main event occurring, and that the earlier extracts build up to it?
The style reminds me somewhat of Paddy Clarke Ha Ha Ha. Good luck with it and I'll come back to this one!
Gillian

Fair point about the chapters Marcella. By the way please don't feel obliged to read my stuff. The way it is written, you can probably delve in at any point as various"scenarious" exist that perhaps negate the need for chapters(now I'm contradicting myself). I'm not sure about this Authonomy site. Sometimes I'm into it and sometimes it bores me to death!

Mark

Not bad at all! Maybe that's why Donaghy gave him a sourly look. "Handy" for your mate that he's blind. I think that I'll have a fresh look at your and the other Irish girl's respective writing, just to stir it up a bit more!

All the best Marcella,

Mark

Of course Marcella, I like both Kerry and its people. Kerry is my second most favourite county, behind Donegal. Those guys seemed to be rugby types (wore rugby jerseys) but coming from a hardy background, myself and best mate were able to more than defend ourselves. I'll see if I can find the relevant chapters in your book ! I'm not sure if you're from Kerry but suppose so. Interestingly their gaelic team have a guy called Donaghy playing for them whose father is from Tyrone. Donaghy's uncle ( his father's brother,also from Tyrone)was "attached" to my sister until recently, when she booted him out. They used to go to some of the Kerry games and meet Kieran Donaghy afterwards. I asked him once who he'd be supporeting if Tyrone played Kerry and he said Kerry "because blood is thicker than water" (blunt response from a blunt person) I digress. Thanks for putting my book on your shelf..I didn't realise that you had (and you weren't obliged to!) I'm going to try to read more of Black Laces. Glad that you put it on your own book shelf and also that you like Vernon God Little.

All the best,

Mark

Well Mark - if you read the comments made by others re my book, THEY seem to think I have a sense of humour! Maybe you've only read the final chapter where I have a moan about Spain - the rest is humourous i assure you. Oh and i'm not middle class - I was brought up working class....All the best for your book none-the-less! ps why is everything being posted twice today?

Alison,

I haven't read Bill Bryson (but have heard of him) I like the fact that you have "Curious Incident" on your list of favourite books. Means that you just might have a lurking sense of humour in that factual head of yours!

Cheers,

Mark

Hi Mark - this looks interesting and I'll definitely be reading more.
Thanks for commenting on my work! Have you ever read any Bill Bryson?

Hi Mark - this looks interesting and I'll definitely be reading more.
Thanks for commenting on my work! Have you ever read any Bill Bryson?

Thank you to the person who has put me on their bookshelf today. Glad you could find the space!

Tom,
I let the cat out of the bag there. The name on my birth certificate is Mark Bernard yet I'm also known as Brian! Now you know why some people consider the Irish to be a bit peculiar.(which we are!)

Tom,

I will indeed look at Black Laces. I'm sure that you won't be far off the mark with your recommendation.

Good luck,

Brian

Jo.

Thank you very much for your nice comments (maybe I shouldn't use the word "nice" in response..if you scan my book you'll see a reference to what used to be called "Nice" biscuits when I was growing up in Ireland, and they were anything but nice). I agree with you re selling/pitching the book. Part of the problem around tagging for example, is that I'm useless with IT and I don't seem able to lay things out like other people..all the commas in place when illustrating the tags etc. But you're right. I need to be more proactive especially as deep inside I'm pretty confident re my potential or at least my potential for being a bit different/original with the writing. I will reciprocate by looking at your input on this site and will be in touch.

All the best, Jo .You've perked me up just when I needed it!

Mark

Hello again Mark. Good to hear from you and if my comments were useful that's a bonus. Can I recommend another book to you? Black Laces by Marcella O'Connor has just about blown my socks off. I can't praise it too highly. I'm bringing it to your attention not because of it's Irish subject and setting but because it's so damned good! I'm confident you'll see its quality immediately. Tom

Good morning Tom. Thanks for the feedback. I think that you make a very interesting point about the apparent "sameness" of weight that I attach to everyday events. I suppose I hadn't really considered this except in the sense of wondering whether the book should have a major "pivotal" event. Yes, it does consist of a series of daily "scenes" and maybe you have hit on something there regarding whether some of these events should be given more prominence or be written in such a way as to heighten the sense of resonance with the reader. I'm impressed and definitely this is very helpful. You are of course correct about the "little" grammatical errors (there are still a few to be ironed out), but I'm certainly more interested in your primary observations. It's a nice feeling when someone takes an interest like you are doing and once again it's greatly appreciated. I will look further at your work. As you know it's on my bookshelf! (For what it's worth, I think "McCoubrey" gets better as it progresses, in terms of the writing if not the structure!)

All the best,

Mark

Hello Mark, I've just read further into your book and spent more time on it than I had intended. That's a good sign. Your story flows along so well and is so engrossing I was happily following McCoubrey's days without watching the clock. Obviously I'm putting this book on my book shelf. Good luck with it!
On the 'critical' side I think I agree with macdibble that story needs a slightly more obvious structure but I've no idea what to suggest. The way it runs at the moment, it takes its structure from the daily record of McCoubrey's days. Which is fine, except that all the events have the same apparent weight. Somehow I think certain incidents need to become more prominent. Just off the top of my head, I'm thinking of the Waxwings, the little girl who can't spell 'bicycle' and the hot chocolate/black coffee debacle.
You have a great eye for detail and an ear for language; eg the milkman, 'He knows fine rightly...' Two minor quibble; should bonanza have a capital B for Bonanza Bill? And Granda's street needs another O to make it CorOnation Street. Best wishes, Tom

Hello Mark, just a note to confirm that I've started reading and will be back for more as soon as time allows. I was at school in England in the 50s and 60s and the accuracy of your descriptive writing - especially with regard to the toilets - was unpleasantly evocative. I mean that as a compliment! It's the memories that I find unpleasant, not your writing! Best wishes, Tom

Your comments are greatly appreciated. I totally concur with you about the structure and this may well be my downfall. Sometimes I think that I simply don't "do" structure.(perhaps the operative word here is "simply" as I do like to keep things uncomplicated and try to let the writing do the talking. I said "try") It may well be that I ain't any good at plot/structure and prefer a conversational style of writing. I'm not necessarily apologising for that but certainly take on board your comments and imagine that most people would agree with your sentiments. I might upload a bit more and haven't forgotten that I intend to look at your writing when I get some peace and quiet.

Thanks again,

Mark

You've got a great handle on the thoughts and life of a 12 year old boy. How can you go wrong with a pissing contest on the first page? The teasing and newsreader connection is nice. The voice settles into a nice rhythm after the first few hundred words. I'd like to see more of what's to come forshadowed earlier, or some problem or some spur to action to drive the story forward and provide more structure, but otherwise it's a great story and very easy to read. We all love stories about the lives of Irish children and the 70s.